Friday, April 30, 2010

the 40 yo body

at a recent dinner of 30 somethings AND me, one of them asked me pointblank: cc, how does it feel to be in your 40's? i mean, im dreading the day i become 40, no offense!

i felt like some kind of guru surrounded by disciples.

Aaaah. the fear of 40. seriously, i didnt go through that emo crap. i have never lied about my age, never felt the need to. im comfortable with my age so i never 'dreaded' that day. of course, i celebrated that. i was still with my ex. and it was a milestone for me.

But i could understand where you are coming from. you are all fit and fabulous. you've always felt that way and have done as much to keep feeling that way. and you are all wondering now how things will change when you step into the 40's.

yes, i am feeling changes. but nothing abrupt. i began noticing it at 41 - 42.

1st it's the eyesight. you slowly lose the ability to read and see up close. i was in denial till i borrowed my sister's glasses and saw such clarity!

then metabolism. the little craving you indulge in somehow ends up in your gut. nowhere else but there. what you could probably burn in an hour's cardio then will now take you two or more.

my strength lifting weights has diminished. im having a hard time topping my previous records for bench press, squats, etc. and there seems to be much more effort now.

i wont get into the wrinkles etc. im not conscious of it, never was. so i cant compare. ill need friends to tell me that.

again, this is my body. this is my observation. but for those who'd want to know...

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Use Fat Tax to fight obesity

heavily taxing unhealthy foods may reduce weight gain and insulin levels over time, suggests a new, US-based study.

the study's investigators suggested that an 18% tax on selected foods and beverages would help reduce daily total energy intake among young to middle-aged adults by 56 kcal. this can be roughly translated into a weight reduction of 2.25kg per person per year, leading to significant improvements in obesity, diabetes and other nutrition-related disease (article from medical tribune, april 2010).


interesting perspective. if you have 'sin' taxes (alchohol, cigarettes), you have 'fat' taxes! higher priced fattening foods will reduce consumption (particularly for price sensitive consumers with limited spending capacity). this, however, will be heavily lobbied against by the giant food manufacturers. government wins both ways, improving health outcomes and earning revenues to support other expenses to promote healthy lifestyles.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

me-phobia

i scare me. i find myself in this pattern of dating, intense attraction, more dating, only to find that interest wanes, not as quickly as it started. more of a slow fade out. i've come to expect it. that's why dating me comes with a disclaimer "im not into relationships, ha?" though people around me think that's b.s. that i actually start out dating thinking, hoping, praying that SABEL.. THIS MUST BE LOVE. i go through the motions and emotions. i start thinking about him. i fantasize. i justify. then the scary part starts. the attraction starts to fade. my attention turns to another guy. im no longer looking forward to the next date, the next meeting. the text messages become less and less frequent. the intimacy dims. until... the next guy.

sometimes, i think, i wouldnt date me.

SAHC: the intro

seeing my gelfriends again brought back memories of high school. very special memories. so this series will just be my recollections of that period of my life. and the cast of characters. call this the pagdadalaga ni cc series.

the seventies was transitioning to the eighties when we entered high school. marcos was still president. ninoy was in exile.

middle class exclusive school for boys. after grade school, i was excited to just carry on to high school. it was a big jump, from khaki shorts to blue trousers and short sleeve shirt. i was already branded as one of the effeminate. i didnt care. i graduated from grade school with honors. actually all four of us in the top of the class were pansies. haha.

high school was just a continuation of grade school, i thought. but it wasnt. there were more transferees from other schools, and other year levels. and many of them were badaf (that was the term then. bading is a derivative)

curiously though, we knew we were different, effeminate but during the first two years, we were never talking about attraction towards guys. we followed binibing pilipinas and ms universe. we were never into basketball. but volleyball seemed so natural for us! and even among us there would be hierarchies. the more flamboyant ones were avoided. we felt more mid-stream in our ways.

my first best friend was nathan. he was actually a year ahead but had to stop. so he became a batch mate. he had this low masculine voice but make no mistake, he was as charing as all of us. he was and still is the most likeable, stable among us. everyone wanted to call him friend. nathan, with his big toothy smile, had the right mix of bitchiness and warmth. i shared the most stories with him. because he was always willing to listen and give his thoughts on the issue.

nathan will be a regular in this series...

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Sex And High School (SAHC): Babae na Siya

we are at O bar, all high school friends. a mini reunion of about 8 gays and 1 transgendered classmates. (side note: i was told by an american friend that 'batch' is not normally used in the states to refer to school ties. if we graduated at the same time, though we belonged to different sections, we'd all be classmates... Class of Whatever Chuchuchuchu. So this reunion is about classmates, though we belong to different sections)

finally we have a transgendered classmate in paula. amazing. based in the u.s., she underwent surgery 10yrs ago in Sydney. i must say that she looks hell of a lot better. i love the way one of us puts it - bumagaya na rin sa mukha niya ang gender niya at age niya. in short, mukha siyang magandang matrona. :-) and i mean that as a compliment. When we were still in school, she always looked older. mukha na siyang matrona. but she was the first to have her own car. so we made sure we were friends with her so we could go out with wheels. (evil laughter, yeah yeah, we were user friendly then)

paula has always been one of the more flamboyant among us in high school. and that meant being teased so much, and bullied. but he was always a fighter. but poor us, still unsure of ourselves, we'd stay away from him. wouldnt want the association. besides, he was in a different section. but he didnt care. his flamboyant ways got him the boys. last count, he was able to taste about six classmates. he tops the record.

i remember during graduation, as he was receiving his diploma, some naughty classmates were shouting torotot (trumpet), in reference to the much gossiped blowjob he gave to a guy, witnessed by another bading. we pitied him but he didnt seem to care.

in college, he was in ust. and our barkada decided to reach out to him. we were more comfortable about our sexuality by then. and we were raring to go to the most famous gay bar then, 690. and we didnt want to take a cab. lol. we soon became friends. and that was the start of the 690 and kulbam (call boy, male prostitute) phase of my life.

we lost touch after college, as he pursued different career paths. he ended up in the u.s. as an r.n. and it was only because of facebook that there was a direct link to him again.

his short visit in manila, we organized that reunion in O bar, to just marvel at science and technology. our former classmate is now a lady. and to her credit, she was looking mahvelous! she even got married (to a straight man), who knows her history.

she is much more relaxed now. less feisty, a lot more smiles. i guess it is partly age, partly the gender correction. whatever it is, i am happy for paula.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Pink-trepreneur

i met the lobster tony when we both guested at the troikaster's podcast. that turned out to be the first fabcaster's fabcast.

former ofw, former fitness trainer (i was surprised to see him as a model for the 'exercise-of-the-week' section of a previous pink mag), former empleyado, formerly attached (ouch! hehehe) but now a bonggang-bonggang super bonggang pink-trepreneur, ladies and ladies, i present the new blog of lobster tony: businessman-2-man!

expect much from this blog, my idol sa paghada ng straight na bagets (LOL). seriously, not to pressure tony, but expect nice posts that will range from serious (business topics, dealing with local government, i suppose), to light and funny (if he shares his experiences in running the clubs and spas!) but all insightful!

among the fabcasters, i share my penchant for hot steamy casual (sometimes anonymous, sometimes paid) sex with him most! we would sometimes huddle and giggle in the gym when we bump into one another!

he has chosen this entrepreneurial path which i applaud, even as i remain very much inside this corporate world. and from that i have much to learn!

click through and enjoy!

when help is gone

too dramatic a title. caught your attention? hehe

yesterday, a trusted household help of 10 years bid adieu. i thought she was leaving by saturday. i thought i would still have the chance to treat her and the rest of the help to simple dinner somewhere as despedida. so i felt bad when she said her goodbye.

i wanted to 'honor' her stay with us, with me. but the chance is gone. and that put me in a gloomy mood yesterday.

i have always held household help, particularly the domestic helpers, in high regard. i could never refer to them as 'katulong'. something stirs in me that make me hesitate to call them as katulong. i refer to them as 'katiwala', which really shows the kind of trust i bestow on them as part of the household.

in a brood of six, i didnt have the luxury of a personal nanny. but we always had help who assisted mother take care of us. and i was always the one closest to them. i'd bring them komiks i bought along the way from school. i'd share stories with them. and hear them out about their lives, their loves. i treated them as friends.

as i started working and the idea of managing other people became more concrete, my relations with the help evolved. i still hold them very dear though definitely, they recognize the employer-employee relationship and respect that.

they are the first to see my moods, especially if they keep on repeating certain mistakes or didnt get the instructions right. but when that mood passes, it is back to being friendly and open. i even share pics of guys i date with them, and they'd swoon over one or the other.

i love them as family. and because of that, it still pains me when one has to leave and resign. yes, an attachment forms because they are truly nice, sweet, caring people who take care of me, my parents, my family.

i wasnt able to throw that despedida dinner for her, for carina. however, with this humble post, i honor you for your loyalty, your care, your passion in your work.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

a crisis of sorts

this is faith-related. i declare that early on as a warning.

this started with a conversation with a new friend at the top (54th F) of the banyan tree hotel in bangkok, in the resto/bar vertigo. the view was simply amazing, all 360 degrees of it! and it deserves the name. nakakalula at nakakahilo kung mahina ang sikmura mo.

as we indulge in a few over-priced drinks in the open-air atmosphere, the talk turned serious, about power of visualization, of positive mental images ('the secret' kind of talk). he was talking about this series of workshops he attended which turned his life around. most of that discussion was very familiar (positive thinking, visualization, owning your dreams and desires, etc).

what made this discussion different was when he confronted me with a question: what issues do you still carry with you? and when i talk about the guilt that comes from indulging in casual sex, my very catholic dilemma, he replied with a stinging remark: naku cc, sa ganyang edad mo ay may issue ka pa ba on that?

ouch.

then he went on to discuss how guilt is such a useless emotion. and how all this guilt is not making us more loving, more productive. this guilt stems from other people's norms which we impose upon ourselves.

i did not dare argue. it was a long day, the scene was just too beautiful. i just let him talk. he apologized for being preachy. but he just felt that i had much to offer if i wasn't saddled by this baggage.

guilt baggage. just throw it away. something 'up in the air' character would say during his lecture.

indulging in casual sex. enjoying sex for sex' sake. usually with multiple partners. working on a purely physical attraction level. no relationship. sometimes, no names. no conversation. an occasional grunt. 'oh fuck'. 'im coming.' (see cc & his faith, oscillations)

what's wrong with this? I quote my previous post:
that though the Bible is explicit about homosexual behavior as sinful, I believe that the sin lies in sex and sexual behavior devoid of 'love', purely for passion, or recreation. It is not so much the gender of those involved but the attitude behind the act. I should be treating people as people, as human beings. I fail to treat them right if I have sex with people I do not even love.

i have reasoned out that casual sex is wrong and sinful because i objectify a human being. i reduce him to a need-satisfaction tool. and that should be wrong. even if consensual. even if he is an adult who wants what transpires as much as i do.

or is it?

is it really so wrong to enjoy sex for its sake? if both (or more) parties are adults who agree to enjoy the activity, is it so objectionable? do i feel less of a person because i'm desired as a partner in the sexual? do i feel objectified and treated less than human?

questions that now rock my belief system. if i start to believe that it is not a serious offense, or not a sin at all, i will begin to feel less guilty about it and just enjoy. and ill have less baggage.

but its a row of dominoes. should i then stop confessing this to a priest? could i start to receive communion again? would i now be a better person, more integrated, more loving towards myself and hence, more accepting of other people? or will it not make a difference at all?

sigh. more than four decades of life. no clear answers. no clear questions.

Monday, April 19, 2010

needing generous hearts

very near my current place of residence is this new Home for the Abandoned Elderly. This is run by the Little Sisters of the Abandoned Elderly, based in Spain. They recently set up the Home after closure of one of their houses in Spain.

It is a huge place that can house about 100+ elderly. at first glance, you wouldnt think they'd need funds. but their plans for taking care of mostly indigent elderly (read totally no fees) would tell you that they need donations on a sustainable basis. Im posting this here, just in case there might be some raider out there who feels that his disposable income needs to go to something more charitable. LOL

out of the closet, out of his clothes

i got this as an email entitled 'ricky martin nude video'

i hesitated for a nanosecond (or less) before clicking. biglang uminit sa opis.

Friday, April 16, 2010

proudly pinoy


Charice (Feat. Iyaz) - Pyramid
- Watch more Videos at Vodpod.

im no big r&b fan. though i remain very patriotic. hehe
but seriously, i actually like the song.

the return to ... doce

doce closed its doors for quite a time, i was told. it underwent renovation and had a/c installed. just my luck that it re-opened when i was in cebu. that being my last night in the queen city of the south, i excitedly agreed to go with my friend.

while i was waiting at the hotel lobby for my friend to pick me up, a plu couple walked across. one of them caught my eye because he was cute and had the cocky look. and when we arrived at doce, i saw them again, this time with a third party. i zeroed in on him though instinct told me that they were a couple. he was the youngest among the three and was gamely dancing. my friend was pushing me to say hi. but for whatever reason, tinamaan si cc ng katorpehan. i was suddenly shy. so i just kept on looking and staring while enjoying the music.

my friend was planning to knock some sense into me, or some courage actually. but i just froze even as the guy passed me by on a few occasions. LOSER. i had given up when i thought i saw them settling their bill and getting ready to leave.

but hope springs eternal, especially when i noticed that they didnt leave. and that cute guy started dancing alone, closer and closer to where we were! my friend exclaimed MAY PAG-ASA PA! since the mountain came to mohammed, i felt emboldened to finally say hi. by way of offering him a drink.

we started dancing though he seemed timid. from time to time, he would return to his friends. soon enough, he loosened up and we were just enjoying dancing very close. he would casually touch my chest, while i would pull him a bit closer to me.

he's not from there either, like me. but from further down south. and he is with his partner, about my age. i said it didnt bother me as long as they were both okay with this. he then asked me to go back to the hotel with them, which wasnt a problem since we were all staying in the same hotel.

in their hotel room, i started to feel really uncomfortable. i was getting the sense that they wanted a four-way or even three-way (him and his partner). i begged off and left them. i didnt particularly find his partner attractive. and would prefer nothing to happen than force myself into a situation.

cute guy was visibly disappointed and continued to text me to come back to the hotel room. i wanted him to come up to my room but he wouldnt. so zerowena si cc. no action on the last night.

but we keep in touch. who knows, I might have the chance to visit him there or he can visit manila. may be, we could finish what we started, sans partner.

one thing funny though is a message i received recently from him: i want u n my lyf. oh di ba? megaknown factor?

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

i wanna kiss you in paris. wanna hold your hands in rome.

standing in line for fast food somewhere. there was this super cute young guy ahead of me. tisoy, nice chiseled features in his barong making him look like a totoy playing grown up.

i tried to avoid staring at him. opportunity for small talk came when it was taking TOO long to serve our orders. a little joke from cc, a little smile from cutie. then some talk about work and why on earth we were both in that place at that time.

as he finished his turn, he politely excused himself. i was just beside myself in kilig. i got my order and went to my table. and then i gave my business card to him. he gave me his, too. a handshake to seal the deal.

"nice meeting you, sir"

may 'sir' talaga? i told him to drop the sir thing.

i went back to my table to continue my lunch. he left ahead of me and said goodbye to 'sir cc' on his way out.

then i started daydreaming...

cutie texts me a week after. a careful tentative tone, wondering if i remember him. of course i do. ive been waiting for that text too long. but i didnt want to make the first move. so i waited and waited and thankfully, not in vain.

he comes up with a lame excuse to see me and have coffee. to pick up where we left off.

and while having that coffee in a romantically placed starbucks outlet, we begin with cliche communication. weather, politics, work. we slowly flirt our way to talking about personal stuff, family, school, friends and hangs out. we start dropping hints of our interest in one another.

but what happens below the table was a lot more interesting and revealing than what happens on top. our knees touch and stay touching. we both felt it. we both wanted to send that signal. and finally that knee touch was enough to get the message across.

there were no pretenses thereafter. it was a quick decision: your car or mine. which pasig place.

and once inside the room, enduring the stares of what i thought were jaded waiters and servers, we stepped inside that room above the garage and just let go.

it was just boiling in there. his lips tasted like chocolate truffles. he smelled of cologne and a bit of sweat. i licked him on his neck, his chin, his ears, his nape. my hands were quick to explore his torso, his chest, that tuft of hair, his ass, the small of his back. and he moaned under his breath. careful yet becoming careless.

and when his turn came, he took my shirt off and went straight to my nipples, my chest, my abs, my cock. he looked at me with those big beautiful eyes as he swallowed me, licked me, teased me. and i just looked at him, touching his face, his hair as he bobbed up and down on my very hard dick.

i pulled him up and kissed him some more, my tongue exploring each and every crevice, my breath sucking his breath in. and i could feel him harden more. i pushed him to the bed and enjoyed him, his body, his unshaven pubic hair, and his cock, all engorged and about to explode. but i wasnt about to let that happen.

i motioned for him to turn around and lie on his belly. this caught him by surprise. he hesitated but as soon as i got on top of his back and started nibbling on his ear, resistance disappeared. he started groaning, eyes closed as feeling me as i slowly pressed my cock on his butt. i licked, sucked and bit him on his nape. that made his hair stand on its end.

i worked my way down his spine towards his ass. at the small of his back, he was squirming now. i pulled him over the edge of the bed and lubed him. he turned a around, looked at me, almost helpless but no words came out. he closed his eyes, grabbed a pillow to suppress whatever sound he may make.

with my cock, i played with his crack first, all oiled up. i was rocking to and fro as i led my cock to slide between the cheeks. then the head guided itself to his hole, alternately tensing up and relaxing. i put a finger up first. and that was like electricity to him. a muffled cry. my finger went in and out as i loosened that tight sphincter. and when i felt his readiness, i put my cock in, slowly. he quickly protested but all in vain. i knew he actually wanted it. even at the start. talking in the fast food joint.

and soon he was groaning again. and riding me as well. i flipped him over to allow him to jerk off. and though limp at first, he quickly whipped himself up to full erection as i was pumping in and out of him. his head was tossed back, his eyes closed. one hand was holding his leg, the other was pinching his nipples, pinching hard.

i leaned over to kiss him and to find that best angle of penetration. i just kept on going and going. but i made sure i was not gonna cum ahead of him. a few minutes more of furious jerking and he came. it hit him on his chin, on his chest. he was going through spasms as he squeezed his cock really hard. then i accelerated the pumping and soon, i was just coming and coming, wave after wave. eyes closed. fuck was all i could say. and i slumped over him, totally spent, and slowly my cock eased out of his asshole.


sir, alis na ba tayo? my driver asks me, rousing me from that day dream. yup. wait lang. i couldnt get up too fast till my hard on subsided.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

dear fabcasters... II

and the much delayed sequel to the letter. sa tagal nito baka natuluyan na ang ating letter sender. JOKE!

enjoy!








Download this episode (right click and save)

Music credits (in alphabetical order, according to act):

· Alanis Morrisette, “You Ought To Know”

· Alicia Keys, “Doesn’t Mean Anything”

· BeeGees, “How Can You Mend A Broken Heart?”

· Boy George and the Pet Shop Boys, “The Crying Game”

· Craig Armstrong, “Your Song (instrumental)”

· Dead Or Alive, “Brand New Lover”

· Journey, “Be Good To Yourself”

· Kelly Clarkson, “Since U Been Gone”

· R.E.M., “Everybody Hurts”

· Whitney Houston, “The Greatest Love Of All”

Saturday, April 3, 2010

HERO worship II

oblivious guy seemed surprise when the mamasan motioned to him. then he left the aquarium, presumably to prepare the room for me. that was a long wait. there were so many clients in hero, all rooms were occupied.

eventually, i was escorted inside and was met by my chosen therapist. he is cute, with well developed shoulders, chest and slim waist. i felt i chose well. he was typically thai, gracious and respectful, as he led me to my cubicle. he motioned for me to take the shower. and as i was undressing, he quickly undressed, too.

he joined me in the shower, worked a lather with the liquid soap and scrubbed me. i was still hesitant to touch him so i just let him clean me up. he showered when i finished. i watched him take the shower and scrub himself really well, particularly his loins. lol. i wasnt planning to eat that! but it was so erotic just watching him and his sexy body as he showered.

soon, i was on my belly as the massage began. and he was totally naked. the idea was exciting but not arousing. and he gave me a good massage, different from how it is done here in manila. it felt more shiatsu than swedish. he found it funny that i was getting goose bumps. well, the cream he was using felt cold, and the a/c vent was overhead. but that lightened the mood.

i was on my back next. and he started the extra service. it was really just a hand job. i could have asked for more, according to friends, but i didnt feel like it. as he worked on my , i felt a finger going up my hole. i pushed it away. then again, he attempted to put his finger in. he looked like he was already enjoying himself as he was rubbing my chest, biting my nipples. then he started to kiss. he whispered that he wanted to put it in. i said no. he wondered whether i was gay because i didnt want to be penetrated. i told him i was but i wasnt into it.

more caressing, more passion and then i came. cum hit me on my chin and he was so surprised at the trajectory. after cleaning me up, we became just intimate, hugging and kissing. and i got to know him more. kittipong from northern thailand. 32yo, admittedly gay. currently single because his last relationship wanted a family.

more hugging and kissing till he realized that we were overstaying. we showered together. and he was getting hard and he wanted to fuck me. i told him that he'd get his chance next time and if i get to fuck him too. and even before we left the room, there was that final embrace.

he escorted me out. motioned that he would keep in touch.

i totally enjoyed that. he made me feel good because i felt attractive and desired. i just might get him again on my next visit. but then again, there are 30 other guys to enjoy. i hope they make me feel as good as kittipong did.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

grinding at grindr

walang kadala-dala.

here i am again, another chat room. im now discovering the joys of grindr, the iphone app for hook-ups. as if i havent learned my lesson with mr ripley! or may be i have and i am now being just playful.

first, it was prince' photo on the profile. i got enough inquiries about the car. most of the pics, of course, were faces and bodies. brave souls.

i got more courageous and put cc bod shot. awareness levels shoot up for cc! hihihi most are curious about the face.

well, i could be mr ripley to someone else. they really dont know if that's really my body or my pic anyway.

best part about this chat app is the locational information. guy profiles are sorted by proximity. you know who is in your area (but you could opt out of that functionality).

how is it so far? a lot of whites are there. probably because they are the early adopters to both the iphone and the app. everybody seems so nice and juicy. but i already know from experience (and by probabilities) it CANNOT be true.

i've just had one meet up from grinder. we'd rather keep it at the friendly level. im still hoping to meet more of them and find out how near or far reality is from the... avatar!

HERO worship

im looking inside a room through huge picture windows at 30+ guys. all of them are attractive, in varying degrees. about half show off their torsos, with varying degrees of musculature. im told to choose the one i 'd want to give me a massage.  i hate having too many choices, seriously!  i begin to build some filters. do i go for the one who is just the most attractive? most handsome or the best physique? do i pick the chinito or the malay or the tisoyin?  i edit out those who are too obviously out to make a sale, a hard sale. and those who are too self-conscious (though it is a given in this industry)vi take my time. i zero in on three, one who looks like a bagito looking so eager to please, nice face though body looks wanting. another tries not to be self-conscious. had that er look on him. doing some abs work. nice bod. finally one in the far corner. so oblivious to everyone else. but he had his shirt off. and had nice shoulders and pecs. he was bent down, playing with his.. cellphone the entire time. a few times he'd look up. and i noticed how cute he was.

who do you think did cc choose? how would YOU choose? what would you go for?

Hero (from Utopia)

65 Sukhumvit Soi 11, Utopia Map, 02-251-1033, 02-651-2358. Enter Soi 11 from Sukhumvit, make a left at the end of the Soi and follow the road until it hits the canal (Hero is on the left). Well-run facility with restaurant is one of Bangkok's best. Massage areas are clean and private. VIP rooms available. Very popular for its privacy and good service.