Monday, December 31, 2012

YOF (Year of Faith) Updates

In this ripe, old age of mine, it may be quite pathetic that I have come to this realization just now, a consequence of my YOF review: Being gay is truly central to who I am as a person. It is not just another role, like brother or friend or even boss. Much of what I have accomplished and become is because of the way my homosexuality has interplayed with the other aspects of my life.

I can no longer relegate it to minor status. I cannot ignore nor deny what being gay has made me. I have developed humility, compassion, empathy, love, patience, kindness because of my experiences as a gay man. I have enriched my life with art, culture, laughter and friendship because I am a gay man.

With this realization, I now have to look at how my 'religion' and 'faith' would integrate into my life now, moving forward.

I believe God, the Father, created me this way. This is no accident. "God doesn't play dice" Einstein was once quoted as saying. So I believe that being gay, and all that comes with it (including consensual homosexual sex) cannot be an abomination.

In a little chamber in my soul where I communicate with Him, this is what He tells me. This is between Him and me, particular with the Son aspect of God, whom I know as Jesus Christ. He looks at my life, looks at all my steps and missteps and tells me that being gay is not a misstep. He points out all the other mistakes (sins) that I have committed - the lies, the callous attitude, the conceit, and tells me 'now that's baaad'. And yet He smiles. And yet He embraces me. So as I exit that chamber, He tells me to go 'merrily along and sin no more'. He knows I'll be back. And He'll say, 'oops you did it again.' Jesus has a funny bone.

You can't imagine the peace that comes with that realization. But this is just the first of many other realizations. And truth be told, this didn't just happen through some deep rumination. He engineered it. Let me tell you how...

In college, I knew this guy, batchmates of blockmates of mine. So sometimes, I hang out with them and their sosi barkada. Our parents know each other so I knew him a bit more. I thought he was quite... un-straight.. but who was I to judge? hihihi

Anyway, fast forward to more recent times, as my parents became even closer to his parents in their volunteer work. And through them I heard that he had become a Catholic Jesuit priest based abroad! That I didn't ever expect. I thought he would become a doctor.

And it just so happened that he was in town for the holidays. He was celebrating mass at the chapel nearby. So I made it a point to hear mass there a few days back. Wow, he looked great! He looked young, ever smiling. He looked so peaceful. And he was so glad when I approached him to say hi.

We exchanged numbers and managed to squeeze in brunch recently. And though we were never really close previously, suddenly we were conversing like good old friends. And part of that conversation was me just outrightly saying "I'm gay". And in that context, we got to talk about RH bill and finally, my own issues about being gay in the Catholic Church. (He mentioned that he noticed I didn't receive communion.)

And he was the one who told me to get into that little chamber in my soul, which the Church would call "conscience", and confront God there, stripped of all the doctrinal, papal pronouncements and dictations. And he told me that THAT is the heart of the church anyway. And the church is MY Church, it's nobody else's church.

Yes, it was what I wanted to hear. But it was also what he has been telling so many other people who have the same questions as mine. And hearing him say that just affirmed how loved and blessed I have always felt, by Him above.

Serendipitous. Wonderfully serendipitous. Or.. all according to plan. His plan.

2012 is ending on such a high note in so many ways.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Friday, December 28, 2012


I'm in between relationships. Just like the way they say about jobs. I'm in transition. Despite my poor track record, I know I will be back in a relationship again. Because I like being in one. I just can't seem to stay in one for long.

I like the romantic rush. Heck, I'm probably addicted to it. But beyond that, I do like being in a relationship, even as the dust settles and the oohs and ahhhs start to become ... regular. I'd like to think that while I am in one, I give it my all. I don't hold back. I like the responsibility of maintaining one, including the little, everyday things Babe, I'll drop you off at your work. Babe, you work too hard. Take your meds so the fever will go away. etc. etc.

So I know soon enough I'll be in one again. I will be going through it again. And I will be so into it, again.

But with this comes that nagging fear that the pattern will re-emerge. When the responsibilities become obligations. When the oohs and ahhhs with someone else becomes so much more attractive, and tempting. And I will cause pain again. (Though sometimes I give myself too much credit in the ability to cause pain. I'm not THAT irreplaceable or indispensible.)

So I guess that's the difference in my in-between state right now. A fear that soon enough, I will be back to my own devices.

But someone witty enough just answered with...

Let's burn the bridge when we get there.

His eyes wide shut.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

cc quickie: Luc who?

I have had some raiders ask me, ikaw ba si Lucas? Well, Luc or Lucas is me and not me. I've molded some of my experiences into his life. Some were endings as it happened. Some were endings I wish had happened. And finally, some were endings I feared would happen. All mashed up into a character, an outlet.

Lucas has a life of his own now. But somewhere in there, you will still read some aspect of cc's life, fantasies and fears.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Carlito 30, John 8

"Good morning, sis. Nakatulog ka ba?" palapit si Roel sa sofa kung saan natutulog si Lucas. Nagising na rin siya.

"Hello." Nag-unat muna si Lucas bago naupo mula sa pagkakahiga.

"Di rin masyado akong nakatulog. Pero, sis, salamat for letting me in. Ang dami ko pang gamit dun sa bahay. Di ko mahakot. Shit, baka sunugin nga ni Carl."

"Hindi naman siguro. Alam mo naman yang asawa mo, puro kahol."

"Ex, sis, Ex ko. I hope hindi nga. May topak yun eh."

"Anyway, wag mo munang isipin. May breakfast na ako, kaso cereals lang. Alam mo naman ang sister mo, naka-diet!" nagpatawa ng bahagya si Roel. At gumaang rin ang hangin.

"Salamat, teh. I'll look for a place agad. Promise."

"Wala yun. Pero sorry talagang hanggang tonight ka lang pwede dito, ha? Bukas darating kapatid ko mula sa province..."

"Ok lng, teh. Nakakahiya nga sa iyo. Kapatid ba yan o booking?" nagtawanan ang dalawa.

Tinext niya si John. "Ei, can i kol?"

Matagal bago sumagot si John. "Hi. later n. Work p aq. Txt kta."

Ngayon pa lang siya nakapagtext kay John mula nung gulo. Hindi man niya nakamusta. Ano kayang nangyari sa kanya pagka-alis ng taxi? Siguro galit sa kanya yun. Ang laking kahihiyan ang dinulot nila.

Tumawag siya kay Tere. "Hello, Tere. Si Luc 'to."

"Hello! Oh, nasaan ka? Hanap ka na ni Boss."

"Pakisabi mag emergency leave ako. Hanggang bukas."

"Ha? Naku ngayon pa! Ang init ng ulo ngayon. Anong sasabihin ko?"

"Bahala ka na, Tere. Magulo buhay ko ngayon. Ayusin ko lang."

"Sus! Ano na naman yan, Luc? Hindi ka na nawalan ng gulo. Hindi naman sa family?"

"Hindi, tungkol kay Carl."

"Ha? Naku? Anong nangyari sa inyo?"

"Malaking gulo. Wala na kami..."

"Ay wait... tinatawag na ako ni Von.."

"Ok, sige, bahala ka na. Please."

"Sige, sige... bye."

Ang malaking problema ngayon ay ang paghanap ng lilipatan. At ang paghakot ng ibang gamit. Wag naman sana tuparin ni Carlito ang pagsunog sa gamit niya. Naghanap agad siya online, nagtanung-tanong. Buti na lang, may isang kaibigan siyang naghahanap ng roommate.

Ayaw man niyang makisama sa isang kwarto lang ngunit mapipilitan siya. Nakipagayos siya na tatlong buwan lang. At maghahanap pa rin siya ng iba na solo niya ang kwarto. Buti pumayag rin si Joey sa arrangement. Dadalhin lang niya ang mattress. Ang ibang gamit niya, dadalhin niya sa mga pinsan muna sa Cavite.

Nagdadalawang isip siya kung itetext niya si Carlito. Ngunit kailangan niyang makuha ang mga gamit niya. Tinext na lang niya si Rene. "Helo rene. c luc eto. can i kol?"

Dumating agad ang sagot. "Kapal mo rin 2 txt me. wat do u want?"

Nilakasan niya ang loob at tinawagan na.

"Hello, Rene?"

"What? Di ka pa kuntento sa gulong ginawa mo?"

"Look, I just want to ask a favor. Please ask Carl when I can get the rest of my stuff."

"Di ba sunog na?"

"Rene, please, tell him naman walang ganunan. I'm moving out naman. Please find out if nandun pa gamit ko."

"Luc, tang-ina talaga yung ginawa mo. You've hurt Carl so much."

"I know. At lalayas na ako. Nandun pa kaya ang gamit ko? Makukuha ko pa kaya?"

"Maski ginago mo si Carl, disenteng tao siya. Di katulad mo."

"Please, favor lang Rene. Pakitanong if I can get it tomorrow. Para mawala na ako sa buhay niya."

"Ok. This is the last I will hear from you."

"Yes, pramis. Salamat, Rene."

Hapon na nung nagtext si Rene. "Get ur stuf tom 2-6pm."

Gabi na ng nagtext naman si John sa kanya. "Ei. tawag n u"

"Hey John. Kamusta na?"

"Ikaw kaya ang kamusta. Buhay ka pa?"

"Eto naman. Sorry, John. Nasangkot ka pa sa gulo."

"Yeah. Ok lang yun. Pucha, nakakahiya yun nangyari."

"Oo nga. Sorry talaga."

"Anong nangyari sa inyo?"

"Wala na kami. Nung gabi ring yon. Nakipaghiwalay na si Carlito."

"Oh. I'm sorry."

"Kailangan na ring matapos, di ba? Ayoko na rin. Napagod na ako."

"Well, wala na bang pag-asang magka-ayos kayo?"

"Wala na. I don't want na rin."

"Ok. If you say so. Hey, paalis na ako ng office. Text-text, okay?"

"Yeah, sure. Ingat pauwi. Bye."

Parang nanibago si Lucas sa kanilang pag-uusap ni John. Parang iba ang pakiramdam ni John. Nagalit kaya talaga si John sa kanya? Hmmm.

Hindi niya muna inisip ng husto. Pinlano niya muna ang pagkuha ng mga gamit bukas.

Nagpatulong na lang siya kay Roel upang maghakot. Hindi pa nga sinunog ni Carlito. Pero lahat ng mga damit, sapatos at iba pang gamit niya tinambak na lang sa labas ng bahay.

Marami siyang iniwan na. Yung TV, yung gas stove. Maski nga yung kama, pundar niya yun. May mga dekorasyon rin siyang iniwan. Hinayaan na niya kay Carlito etong mga gamit. Gusto na rin niyang kalimutan ang masalimuot nilang samahan.

Halos alas sais y media na rin sila natapos. At isang huling pagcheck. Nilapag niya ang susi sa may sala. At lumabas at sinara ang pinto.

At dun niya na naramdaman ang lubhang kalungkutan. At umiyak na rin siya sa kotse, sa tabi ni Roel. Humagulgol. Dun pa lang niya nalubos maisip ang nasira niyang relasyon. Ang tinipon na mahigit dalawang taon rin.

"Dapat masaya ako, Rene. Dapat hindi ako umiiyak. Eto naman ang ginusto ko. Bakit ang sakit rin? Bakit ang bigat?"

"Kapatid, minahal mo si Carlito. Mahal mo pa naman, di ba? Dun nanggagaling ang sakit. Hindi madaling isara ang pinto ng pagmamahal."

"Oo, Roel. Hindi pala madali. Masaya naman kami nung umpisa. Ako lang talaga ang nagkaproblema."

"Huwag ganyan. It takes two to tango. Hindi rin perfect si Carlito. Oo at may fault ka. Pero hindi lang ikaw ang sumira sa relasyon niyo."

Tuloy ang pagtulo ng luha ni Lucas.

"Ano, Luc, okay ka na? Gusto mong may puntahan muna?"

"Hindi kapatid, okay na ako. Diretso na lang tayo dun sa apartment ni Joey. Ibaba ko na ang ibang gamit. Tapos dun na sa house mo."

"Sige, kapatid."

Naka-adjust naman si Lucas na maki-roommate muna kay Joey. Mabait at tahimik lang siya. May pagka-nerd. Mahilig pa rin sa games. At pagbabasa. Kaya nagkakasundo rin naman sila. Paminsan-minsan, pag-gabi nagkukuwentuhan sila tungkol sa mga nangyari. Hindi kasi sila gaanong close nuon. Kasi, hindi rin naman niya type si Joey. Pero ngayon, ang laking utang na loob niya sa kanya at kinukupkop siya agad. Kaya minabuti niya na maging kaibigan kay Joey.

May ilang araw na lumipas na hindi nagte-text si John sa kanya. Nagtaka na siya at tinawagan na si John. Pagkatapos ng ilang beses na pagsubok ay sinagot rin ni John ang telepono.

"Hey Luc."

"Huy. Kamusta ka na? Galit ka ba sa akin?" tanong ni Lucas kay John.

"Huh? Bakit naman ako magagalit sa iyo?"

"Siguro, dahil sa gulo na nangyari nuon. Sorry at nadamay ka."

"Ay wala yun. Hindi naman ako galit sa iyo."

"Eh bakit hindi ka na nag-contact sa akin? Matagal-tagal na rin na hindi tayo nagkita."

"Ahhh. Naging busy lang. Dami trabaho."

"Ah ok. Sigurado kang yun lang?" kinulit ni Lucas siya.

"Oo naman. Wala akong galit, Luc. Sige, Luc, may tatapusin pa ako na trabaho."

"Ahh. Ok. Sige. Nice to hear from you. Sana labas tayo uli."

"Yeah, yeah.. Bye."

Nagbago na talaga ang ihip ng hangin pagdating kay John. Ano kaya ang nangyari at tila malamig na siya. Parang walang gana.

At parang sagot sa tanong niya, dumating ang mga text ni John.

"Bro, sori pro beter n d tau mit. I tink hanap k ng kpalit ni Carl. d aq yun. Simple lng gus2 ko. Fun. No complications."

"Bro, yoko ng gulo. At yoko relationship. D aq ganun."

Nabigla si Lucas sa texts ni John. Kung kailan pa naman libre na siya. At libre na silang magkikita. Nahuhulog pa naman na siya kay John. At naiisip niya na magiging sila. Ang laking pagkakamali pala ng akala niya.

Gusto niya sanang awayin. Ngunit nagdalawang-isip siya. Tama nga naman si John. Dapat fun lang. NSA lang.

"k, jon. kala ko pa nmn tau na" yun lang ang sinagot niya.

At hindi na nag-reply si John.

Nawala na si Carlito. Nawala pa si John. Nagkaleche-leche na nga ang buhay niya.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Monday, December 17, 2012

cc quickie: back to the daily grind?

Installed Grindr again. Did my prowling around. Nothing much has changed. Torso everywhere. But so is FB and twitter nowadays. Lol.

Prowling. Prowling. A few hit me up to chat, despite the scarcity of information on the profile. I said "hello" back. Then came the request for face pics.

And I realized I don't have the energy nor the patience to go through this again.

Closed the app.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

cc quickie: twinkie

i like my men hunky and muscled.  but methinks i need twinks, too.  they seem so bottom-able.  #derangedthoughts

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Is this the Single Life?

Or is this just fantasy? Caught in a landslide. No escape from reality.

(Twisted the lyrics to Queen's anthem.)

Weekends are different again. No schedules set. Just doing what feels right at the time. Last weekend was different. I was in Japan, leaving Kyoto for Tokyo.

Met up with an old friend. Well, an old blogpost. hehe. He still looked great and young. Of course the dynamics now are totally different from the last time I was with him in Osaka two years back. Back then, we were in that in-between stage. And only because he was in a relationship. We never had an affair. We didn't even have sex. Yet we spent enough intimate moments to know that if things were different, we could have been.

Now we are just friends, ribbing each other. Hardly even talking about that period in our lives. But I know he will always have the special soft spot somewhere in me.

After dinner, I got to ride the shinkansen, the bullet train, from Kyoto to Tokyo. It had airplane-like amenities. And the 2.5hr trip seemed really fast. While on the train, I went through emo again, playing my super-emo break-up playlist. But I snapped out of it as I arrived in Tokyo.

I was welcomed by two friends I have met through my online persona. And they accompanied me to the hotel for check-in, before proceeding to the gay area - Shinkuku Nichome.

We went from Advocates to Dragon Men and just enjoyed the music, the booze and the eye candy. Both those bars are frequented by foreigners. Locals don't seem to be attracted to Pinoys. Being single, I started to feel the rush, and the pressure, to hook up again. And it seemed that there was almost a chance with this local who was looking my way. But it was only on our way out did we get a chance to talk. He turned out to be Thai. And it ended with a handshake.

The rest of the short stay in Tokyo was walking and snapping pics of the usual tourist haunts including Ginza, Shibuya and the Hachiko statue, Akahibara, Harajuku and the Meiji temple, Etc. Too much walking for me. My flat feet started to hurt. As in super painful. And the cold weather didn't help. Negative during certain times of the night.

I met up with a raider, then my kumpare. And that completed the journey. Moments when acquaintances transformed into friendships. I will always be grateful for having met them.

Back to reality now in dear, hot Manila. And free time during weekends to reacquaint with my self. Then in between, the dating game will commence. And perhaps, I will have the chance to practice my line "Hey, I'm not Mr. Right. I'm just Mr. Right Now."

Single life, it is.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Carlito 29, John 7

Nahabol ni Rene si Carlito upang awatin. Pinagtitinginan na sila ng mga tao sa Metrowalk.

Ngunit hindi na niya mapigilan ng lapitan ni Carlito si John, na nakaupo pa rin sa harap ng taxi. Binuksan niya ang pinto at pinilit na hilahin palabas.

"Sino ka? Who the fuck are you? Saan kayo pupunta ka, puta ka!?" sigaw ni Carlito.

Hindi makasagot si John, nabigla. Ngunit hindi siya lumabas ng taxi. Nahila naman ni Lucas at Rene si Carlito palayo.

"John, umalis na kayo! Go!" sumigaw na rin si Lucas. "at ikaw.." habang humaharap kay Carlito "Shut up! Nakakahiya!"

Naisara ni John ang pinto. At naka-andar na ang taxi palayo.

Humarap na si Carlito kay Lucas, kumawala sa kapit ni Rene.

"I dont fucking care about them! So totoo nga! May kabit ka nga!" sigaw ni Carlito.

"Uy, Carl, calm down!" pahintulot ni Rene. "Please lumayo na tayo!"

"Just Shut up, Carl!" at hinila na nila Rene at Lucas palayo si Carl, papuntang parking area. Hiyang-hiya na siya sa iskandalo na kanilang ginagawa sa tapat ng Starbucks.

Nag-umpisa ng umiyak si Carlito. "Sabi ko na nga ba... sabi ko na nga ba.... Umamin ka na. Tama na ang pagloloko."

Tangan-tangan na ni Rene si Carlito. Nanghihina na siya habang naglalakad papuntang kotse ni Lucas. Nag-umpisa na naman ang asthma niya. Buti na lang ay dala niya ang inhaler.

"Umupo ka muna sa loob" ang sabi ni Lucas, habang binubukas niya ang pinto.

Hindi pumasok sa loob si Carlito at sumandal na lang sa kotse. Humithit sa inhaler para makahinga nga mabuti.

"Ano? Sumagot ka, Luc."

Hindi handa si Lucas sa mga tanong na eto. Umiikot pa rin ang utak niya sa bilis ng mga pangyayari. At nakainom na rin siya kaya hindi na niya napigilan ang kanyang bibig.

"Oo na. Oo na." tumutungo na lang siya.

"Gano na katagal, ha? Gaano na katagal mo akong niloloko?" unti-unting humihinay na ang boses ni Carlito.

"Carl... it's not like that. Magkaibigan lang kami."

"Bullshit, Luc. Umamin ka na, babawiin mo pa? Please Luc, no more lies."

"It's not like we have anything. Puro fun lang."

"Puro sex lang? Ganun ba yun? Fuck buddy lang?"

"Something like that..." tumungo na lang siya. Alam ni Lucas na nagsisinungaling lang siya. Dahil yun ang kailangan marinig ni Carlito ngayon.

"Shit. Alam mo bang may nagsumbong sa akin ng pinag-gagawa mo? Stupid mysterious text. Ayaw kong maniwala. Akala ko okay na tayo. I'm so stupid."

"Nagtext?" Biglang kinabahan si Lucas. Sino kaya yun? May naninira sa kanya?

"Hindi ko siya kilala. But that's not the point. Pucha, eto na naman tayo. Eto na naman ako. Tatanga-tanga." tumutulo ng lang ang luha niya.

"I'm sorry, Babe..."

"Ako rin. Sorry for believing you. Trusting you again." Niyakap siya ni Rene. "Carl, aalis na ako. Kailangan niyong mag-usap, kayong dalawa lang."

"Rene, hintayin mo ako." at biglang tumayo si Carl.

"Hopeless ka na, Lucas. Hopeless na tayo. Ayoko na. Pagod na akong nagmumukhang tanga." Pinunasan ang mga luha.

"Carl, what do you mean?"

"You have your freedom back, Luc. Wala na akong magagawa para sa relasyon na 'to. It's over. Shit. It's over." diretsong tinignan ni Carlito si Lucas, na siyang umiiyak na rin.

"Pagbalik ko mamaya, I want all your stuff out. What I find there, susunugin ko."

"Carl! Ano ba? Let's talk about this!"

"Nothing to talk about. And I mean it. Ni anino mo ayokong makita. Putang-ina mo."

At lumayo na sila Carlito at Rene, iniwan ng nag-iisa si Lucas. At habang palayo sila, inakbayan ni Rene ang kaibigan.

"Kaya mo ba, kapatid?"

"Kakayanin, teh. Sawang-sawa na ko. Tama kayo lahat. Makati pa sa higad ang asawa ko."

"Eh totohanin mo ba yung pagpapalayas sa kanya?"

"Of course. I swear, susunugin ko yung gamit niya. Kung anong madatnan ko pa dun."

"At hindi dun magtatapos ang higante ko, teh. He's going to pay for all this pain."

Tumungo na lang sa pagsang-ayon ang kaibigan.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Commitment Cemetery

"Here lies all the unfulfilled commitments and broken promises."

This is not an original thought. A friend mentioned 'commitment cemetery' instead of 'commitment ceremony'. We both found it hilarious, a Freudian slip, perhaps?

And I just realized: how appropriate.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Sunday, December 2, 2012

a fairytale. ending.

Once upon a time, there was a prince who lived in a kingdom far, far away.  He was a gallant, handsome young man, trained in the finer ways of the world.  His parents, the King and Queen, were so proud of him.  He was growing up in grace, and in time, he would be ready to rule the kingdom.

And as handsome princes go, many ladies from different kingdoms longed to be the princess by his side.  So, many balls were arranged for him to meet them all.  In one of those beautiful balls, he met this mysterious princess, and he was charmed.

Soon, he invited her over to his palace.  They talked and talked and found many things in common.  

They fell in love.  He called her my princess, and she called him her prince charming.  The engagement was finally announced.

The days that followed were pure bliss.  Days of togetherness, strolling in the gardens, riding horses, or simply enjoying sunsets at the balcony.  They were truly in love.

But such days were not meant to last.  Unknown to the prince, the princess had two souls - a bright, beautiful one and another: dark, evil, lustful.  

This was her deepest secret.  While one soul would be all good and loving, her other soul would be restless and mischievous and unfaithful.   And the battles of her two souls were tormenting her.

Her parents, aware of her struggle, put her away in a convent for years.  She learned to deal with her evil soul through prayers and sacrifices.  And for a while, it seemed like she succeeded.   

However, even as she enjoyed the beauty of true love in the arms of her prince charming, her evil soul re-awakened.  And on full moon evenings, as her prince lay peacefully in slumber, she would don a black hooded coat, and escape on a moonbeam.  She would do her dastardly deeds in the neighboring villages.  

The day of the wedding drew near.  She struggled and struggled to keep her evil soul from manifesting.  She sought more prayers, more rituals and incantations.  Yet just like clockwork when the moon was full, her evil soul would emerge.  And her good soul could not put up a fight.  

During one fateful night, as she was transforming, her prince charming awoke.  And he jumped out of the bed in fear at the sight of a witch in black on his bed.  The princess-witch, however, caught by surprise, froze by the moonlight.  

He approached her and pulled her hood.  And he understood.

Silver tears started streaming on her face as she slowly lifted her eyes to meet his.  With shame, she showed him her true color: her dark and evil soul.  Yet he still showed so much love, a love she would not understand nor deserve.

She looked at him and told him that all the love he had for her could not keep her from manifesting who she really was: both good and evil.  And for his benefit, and her peace, she bid him goodbye.  

She had grown tired of the daily battles of her twin souls.  And she could only accept this as her fate.  And though she pined for true love that would last eternity, that was something she would never have.

With one last kiss, she donned her cape and stepped on the moonbeam.  

And they didn't live happily ever after.

The End.