Corporate Closet

Can Friendships be made with 1's and 0's?

2012-02-03T10:23:00.001+08:00

Can one truly establish a "friendship" online? What constitutes "friendship"? How important is physical presence to sustain a friendship?

I recall the long-term friendship of Julia Child and Avis de Voto as mentioned in the movie "Julie & Julia." That friendship started as a two-year correspondence, long-hand snail mail! And the way Julia talked about her, you'd think they were bff from childhood!

In this age, we can have 1,000 facebook "friends", hundreds of twitter "followers", etc., etc. A lot of them, I imagine, we have never met personally. Yet for some of them, we can actually interact on a daily basis! Much much more frequently than our real friends and family! We react to each other's highs and lows, with an assumed genuine concern and interest. We greet each other birthdays and share memes.

Can true friendships come out of these? If such interactions never get past the electronic level, can we call them true friendships?

What do you think?

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ang O party 1

2012-02-02T13:20:00.005+08:00

Malungkot na masarap ang pakiramdam. Kaka-break pa lang nila Lucas at Conrad. May 5 taon rin silang magkasama. Kahit siya ang nikapag-break kay Conrad, umiiyak rin siya pag-naalala niya ang pinagsamahan. At yung gabing nakipag-break siya. Ang hagulgol ni Conrad ng buong gabi. Tinibayan lang niya ang kanyang pusong nadudurog sa bawat hikbi ni Conrad.

May tatlong buwan na rin ang nagdaan. Tatlong buwan ng kalayaan. Ngayon pa lang niya ulit mae-enjoy ang pagiging single. Pero hindi rin laging kasiyahan. Di naman siya laging may date. Di naman siya laging may booking. Kaya minsan, malungkot rin ang gabi.

Tinawagan siya ng isang kaibigan.

"Luc, may O party ako sa Sabado. Punta ka."

"O party? Ano yun?"

"Sus, taga saan lupalop ka ba ng Pilipinas?? Orgy party! Hahaha"

"Ay, exciting! Orgy talaga?"

Biglang napag-isip si Lucas. Kaya niya ba ang isang orgy? Pumasok sa isip niya ang mga porn na pinapanuod niya. Labu-labo ang mga katawan, ang mga titi. ang chupaan at uringan. Pero lahat, magaganda at magaganda ang katawan. Bigla siyang na-insecure.

"Oh ano, punta ka? Piling-pili ang in-invite ko dito." Napangiti siya nung binanggit eto ng kanyang kaibigan.

"Mga 8pm dito sa condo sa Malate. Magdala ka rin ng isang kabarkadang game. Bawal ang pangit at maarte! Dapat maganda ha?!"

Na-excite si Lucas. Ibang klase! Ibang level na eto!

Naririnig na niya ang ganitong mga party. Alam niyang exclusive. Sinasala ang mga pupunta. May ilan siyang kakilalang nakakapunta sa ganung mga parties. Minsan lang nga, may E (ecstacy) at iba pang drugs. Mayroon pa nga gina-gangbang. Pinipilahan para i-fuck. Hanggang umaga ang sex.

Iniisip pa lang niya, tinitigasan na siya. Minsan nga raw, may mga saksakan ng gwapo. Mga artista pa! Paano kaya kung matapat siya sa isang artista? Wow, sarap siguro nun. At nangarap na siya ng tuluyan.

Ang tagal naman ng Sabado.

at least a post a day

2012-02-01T20:48:00.001+08:00

It's my birthmonth. I should honor that by writing a post a day. On anything. I want to see 29 or more posts for February 2012. Because I need a goal to work on. Some won't be as nice or as relevant. Kebs!. A post a day at least.

So I start today. Tonight, with a slight buzz from the wine I am drinking.
It's really good Aussie white.

I am in Cebu now. I just finished my dinner of cocktail food at the lounge. This should be my dinner. I can't waste all that hardwork earlier at Fitness in Ayala. Stop eating, CC.

Fitness at 3pm had very few people working out, expectedly. But not without eye candy. You just have to love Cebu. Someone is always hot somewhere. I was able to do my weights routine. Which is unusual since I have become quite dependent on my personal trainor in ff in qc. When I am away, I usually just do a cardio routine. I'm glad I was able to squeeze a weights workout today.

I enjoyed the cocktails and pica-pica at the Executive Lounge. i like that they do vary the menu. Never the same thing. Why can't Philippine Airlines do the same with that Mabuhay Lounge? A little variability, please? Not the usual sandwiches and lugao and bananas. Please naman!

i have some time off tonight from my 'ceremonial duties' at work. Free time. But I really have nowhere to go. I don't feel like exploring Cebu on my own. Though Ayala Center is just a hop, skip away, what else is new there?

So I am done with dinner. And the 2nd glass of wine is emply. So this post ends. Post 1, Feb. 1.

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cc review: Next Fall

2012-01-26T09:52:00.001+08:00

I only learned about this play from an FB status update by Miggs. It led me to his blog and got me curious with that photo of two male leads in a romantic pose.

Then, photogenic photographer-friend told me about it. He was wondering where I was. He was expecting me to be there. He thought i would love such plays, intellectual churva. haha

Some bells started ringing when I was told it was a Rep play. I had this idea that Rep was a tad elitist. English language plays or musicals. Played by mestizos and over-staying Caucasians. And true-blue Filipinos whom I felt looked awkward mouthing American or British scripts. I couldn't do 'suspension of disbelief'.

So Saturday afternoon, pc and I caught the matinee over at Greenbelt 1. I like watching matinees. It makes me feel I could enjoy the play and still have the whole night available. :-)

When the light piano background started playing, and the light focused on the sparse stage, i was carried into a different world, the small, tight world of Luke and Adam.

Certain issues resonated with me. But its not the religion thingie. The religion gap is something I always knew was real. Which was why I wanted to have a lover who believed in the same things I did. I found myself smiling at Luke's 'still in the closet' family. The father's homophobic stance was real and authentic.

No, I will not tell you the story. I can only tell you the following things about "Next Fall":

1. I loved it. The script was so well-written. Typical gay wit, funny and cutting. Yet with enough drama and reality.
2. I adored Adam, played by Bart Guingona. I realized that I didn't have to 'suspend my disbelief'. Adam could just as well be of Filipino descent. And the lines he delivered were the best. But also so consistent with his charact er.
3. I enjoyed the entire cast. The characters provided balance and contrast, and tension. (though some could have played better. hihihi)

4. I liked the stage, especially that pull-out apartment foyer. And the window scene with the Chrysler building.
5. I urge you all to watch it. It is not everyday that a serious play revolving around a gay couple is shown here in Manila. If only for that, this should be a must-see. But beyond that, it is a well-written, well-directed, well-acted play. And that's the real reason why this is a must-see.

And yes, I've dropped all my misconceptions about Rep. :-)

pictures courtesy of Jory Rivera Photography.

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quickie: first thing ill ask God

2012-01-26T09:51:00.001+08:00

"Lord, ano ba talaga? Tama ba na di ako nagbibigay sa mga nanlilimos sa kalye?"

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quickie: a Chinese New Year Holiday

2012-01-24T08:50:00.001+08:00

For the 1st time ever, Chinese New Lunar Year was declared a holiday. Why?

Im just thinking, if this is meant to butter up to the Fil-Chinese who control the economy, think again. If there is any ethnic group that believes in excellent work ethic, must be the ethnic Chinese. Methinks they would not necessarily welcome the work break, this being unproductive. They believe in making each and every second, and peso, productive. And that is something I greatly admire.

But heck, I enjoyed the break.

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fitting room 2

2012-01-23T18:02:00.001+08:00

Naalala pa rin ni Lucas ang dampi ng kamay ni Bench clerk sa kanyang dibdib, kahit may 2 linggo ng nakalipas. Nagpasya siya na puntahan muli ang mall. Kailangan rin naman niyang bumili ng puti at itim na sando. para maraming pagpipilian.

Naglaro sa kanyang isipan si clerk. Maalala pa kaya niya ako? Baka naman talagang ganun lang yung bata, mapaglaro. Hindi maalis ang kabang nararamdaman niya habang palapit na ang jeep sa Mall. Ni hindi niya napansin ang init ng panahon, ang mga katabi, ang alingasaw ng ilog sa tabi. Isa lamang ang laman ng utak niya - paano niya lalaruin ang pagkakataon?

Wala ng paligoy-ligoy pa. Dumiretso na siya sa Bench, at sa underwear section. Nagpanic siya. Wala si clerk. Sus, sabi ko na nga ba, wika niya sa sarili, baka day-off pa. Kung malasin nga naman.

"Hello, Sir! Underwear po?" tanong sa kanya ng saleslady.

"Hindi. Nagtitingin lang." ang sagot niyang pabalang. At nagkunwaring tumingin ng mga brief, at shirt. Lumayo si saleslady.

Nakaraan ng ilang minuto, nagpasiya na siyang umalis. Sa pagtalikod niya, halos mabunggo na niya si clerk.

"Hello po. Yung sando po ulit? Anong kulay, Sir?" tanong naman ni clerk, na may pagka-aya-ayang ngiti. Naramdaman na naman niya ang pintig ng kanyang ari.

"Sige, patingin ng black naman." sagot niya kay clerk.

Habang naghahanap si clerk ng sando, pinagmasdan na niya ang hubog ng katawan. At ang ganda ng puwet, lalo na nung tumawad upang abutin ang mga stocks sa baba. Natuyo ang kanyang bibig. Tuloy ang kabog ng dibdib.

"Sukatin niyo uli, Sir?" tanong ni clerk habang binubuksan ang plastic na paglalagyan. May ibang tono ang tanong. May ibang dating. Marahil, alam na ni mokong na siya lamang ang binalikan ko dito, isip ni Lucas.

"Sige, subukan ko na rin." at lumakad na siya patungo sa fitting room.

Nung nasa loob na ng silid, di na niya sinara ang pinto. Nasa labas si Clerk, pinapanuod siyang magbihis. Mas lalo siyang na-turn-on. Ang tigas-tigas na ng kanyang nota. At alam niyang bakat na bakat na eto sa jeans niya. Nakita niya sa salamin ang bukol niya. At lalo pa siyang nalibugan.

Tinanggal niya ang kanyang shirt. Ngunit di niya pinatagal at sinuot na ang sando. Pinagmasdan ang sarili. At nakitang nakatingin si clerk. Lumapit si clerk sa likod niya. Pumasok na rin sa fitting room.

"Bagay talaga sa inyo ang shirt, Sir" wika ni clerk na halos pabulong. Nasa likod na niya si clerk. At nararamdaman na niya ang kanyang hininga sa tenga niya. Tumindig ang kanyang mga balahibo.

Sinara ni clerk ang pinto. At mula sa likod, inabot ni Clerk ang dibidib niya muli. Naramdaman na naman niya ang dampi ng mga kamay. Mainit. At ang paghinga ni clerk sa likod niya. Pinisil ni clerk ang kanyang dibdib. At nilaro ang kanyang mga utong.

Pakiramdam niya ay sasabog na ang etits niya sa tigas. Ang sarili niyang kamay naman ang nabuhay. Lumikod at hinanap ang bukol ni clerk. Madali niyang natagpuan. Dahil katulad niya, tigas na tigas na rin ang titi niya. Kinapa niya ang bukol. Pinisil. Hinayaan niyang maramdaman ang buong haba ng ari ni clerk. at nagulat siya sa haba.

Inabot na rin ni clerk ang kanyang titi. Tinignan niya ang salamin. Ang kanilang dalawang mukha ay magkatabi. Ngunit sa baba ang tingin ni clerk. Sa bukol niya na tuloy ang himas. Napaungol si Lucas.

Binukas ni clerk ang kanyang zipper. Pinasok ang kamay. Napapikit si Lucas.

At biglang tumunog ang kanyang cellphone. Nagulat sila, natauhan. Biglang bumitaw si clerk. Siya rin. Parang nagising. Naalimpungatan.

"Bigay ko sa iyo cellphone ko. Text mo ako. Off ko mamayang 9." mabilis na sinabi ni clerk. Binuksan ang pinto at sinilip muna kung walang ibang tao. Madaling lumabas si clerk.

Sumunod na rin si Lucas pagkatapos ng ilang sandali. Hinanap si clerk. Natagpuan niya sa ibang section at nilapitan.

"Kukunin ko na rin eto." diretso niyang nasabi. Walang makakahalata na naglalambot pa ang kanyang mga tuhod. Parang nawalan ng buto. Kahit ang puso niya ay kumakabog pa rin.

Kinuha ni clerk ang sando. Binalik sa plastic at nagpatungo sa cashier. Parang walang nangyari.

"Thank you po" at iniwan na siya sa counter muli.

Nagtaka siya. Nasaan ang cellphone number? Di na niya pinansin. Nagbayad siya at umalis.

Pag-uwi, binuksan niya ang sando. Dun niya nakita na nakasulat sa cardboard ng sando ang number ni Benjie. Binasa at pinasok sa cellphone.

Tinapon niya ang plastic at cardboard. At tinapos niya sa shower ang naumpisahan.

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fitting room 1

2012-01-22T14:59:00.001+08:00

Napadpad siya sa isang sosyal na mall. Hindi niya madalas puntahan dahil mahirap makarating dito. Ilang sakay rin ang kailangan. At sosyal eto. Puro de kotse ang mga nagpupunta. Puro Ingles ang salita nila.

Dinayo niya kasi may panahon siya. At papunta rin naman siya ng Makati. Lumiligid siya sa mga shops. Talagang high-end. Yung iba, di na niya mabigkas ang pangalan. Ni pumasok, di niya binalak. Baka mapahiya lang siya pag pumasok siya. Pagdilatan ng sales girl na tadtad sa make-up.

Sa second floor, natuwa siya at nakita niya ang Bench. Salamat, may pamilyar na pangalan. Kaya ko eto, wika niya sa sarili. At naalala niyang gusto niyang bumili ng sando. yung kakaiba yung porma. Yung square ang collar.

Nakita niya sa gym suot-suot ng kanyang crush. Kahit mukhang pangbabae ang sando, bagay pa rin kay crush. Ganda kasi ng tindig at katawan niya. Naalala niyang pinagmamasdan niya si crush sa salamin, para hindi halata. At sabay niyang tinignan ang kanyang katawan. Di rin naman pahuhuli. May porma na. Marami na ang bumabati. Lalo na sa dibdib niya.

Ha. daig niya si crush sa dibdib. Nung nagsabog ang Diyos ng dibdib na malusog at matipuno, nakuha niya 'ata kalahati! Kaya pakiramdam niya, carry niya yung bagong style ng sando.

Pumasok sa loob ng Bench. Di kalakihan ang store na eto, kumpara sa iba, tulad ng Megamall. Maliit nga. Siguro kasi mahal ang renta dito, naisip niya.

"Good Afternoon", bati ng mga sales clerk, nakaputing shirt na may kwelyo. Mapa-lalaki o babaeng sales clerk, nakangiti at bumabati. Dumiretso siya dun sa estante ng mga underwear. At nilapitan siya ng isang lalaking clerk.

"Yes, Sir? Ano po hanap nila?, tanong niya. Napatingin siya kay clerk. Maganda ngiti kahit di naman kagwapuhan. Matangkad. At parang may katawan ring magandang nagtatago sa maluwag na shirt.

"Saan ba yung sandong, diretso ang kwelyo? Yung bago?", tanong niya habang nagmamasid sa mga display.

"Eto, Sir", dali-daling kinuha ni clerk ang sandong nakadisplay. "Eto po. Anong size, Sir"

"Siguro medium. para maganda ang fit", sagot niya habang tinitignan ang sando ng may kaunting alangan. Mukha ngang pambabae. Kaya ko kaya eto, inisip niya.

"Eto, Sir, gray na medium. Bagay yan sa iyo, Sir. Maganda ang dibdib mo", ngiti ni clerk.

Bigla siyang nakaramdam ng kakaibang pakiramdam. Bumilis ang tibok ng puso niya. May iilang mga pagkakataon na nakakaramdam siya ng ganito. Pag nasa locker area siya. O pag nagpa-spa siya. Dun sa City Lifestyle. Eto ang kabog ng dibdib pag may magaganap na eksena. Pag nagkakaroon ng pagtatagpo ng mga mata ng nangungusap, nagaanyaya ng kaunting sarap. nakaw at patago. naramdaman niya muli sa tono ng boses ni clerk.

"Gusto niyo sukatin, Sir? Nandun po ang fitting room" sabay turo sa likod, sa kanto.

Tumango siya at sumunod kay clerk, na naunang pumunta sa fitting room.

Di niya maintindihan kung bakit may kabog sa dibdib niya hanggang pumasok siya sa loob ng silid.

Inabot sa kanya ang sando. At nakatayo sa labas si clerk. Sinara niya ang pinto. At hinubad niya ang shirt niya. Sinukat ang sando.

"Ok ba ang fit, Sir" tanong ni clerk.

Parang may sumapi sa kanyang kalandian. Binuksan niya ang pinto upang ipakita kay clerk. Nakita niya ang ngiti sa mga mata at labi ni clerk habang pinagmamasdan ang hugis ng katawan niya. Nararamdaman niyang tinitigasan na siya.

"Sabi ko na nga ba, Sir. Bagay na bagay sa inyo!" ang bati ni clerk sa kanya. Tinignan niya ang sarili sa salamin muli. Oo nga, maganda sa akin.

"Sir, ganda talaga ng chest niyo. Pwedeng pahawak?"

Nagulat siya sa tanong. Oo at maraming humawak, kumakapa sa kanyang dibdib. Ngunit hindi nangyayari sa mall. Sa club. Sa sauna. Ngunit di sa mall.

Napangiti lamang siya. Nilapitan ni clerk at dahan-dahang nilapat ang kamay sa dibdib niya. Nagpupumiglas sa brief niya ang kanyang matigas na ari. Lalo na ng dumampi sa utong niya ang kamay ni clerk.

"Hanep, Sir. Ang tigas na. Puro muscle." tinanggal rin naman agad ng clerk ang kamay niya. Lumayo. "Gusto ko rin ng ganyan sana. Laso parang mahirap lumaki ang chest ko"

Di siya makapagsalita. Nangiti na lang. Eto ba ay paanyaya? Paano naman? Nasa mall kami! Duty siya.

Pumasok siya muli sa fitting room. Di niya sinara ang pinto. Sa salamin nakikita niya na tuloy na pinagmamasdan siya ni clerk. Hinubad ang sando at sinuot ang shirt niya.

"Sige, kunin ko yan." pabulong niyang binigkas. Nalilito siya. Alam niyang libog na libog siya ngayon. Wala ang partner niya. matagal na rin siyang di nagpapalabas. Kaso, inuhan siya ng takot. Baka naman di ganun ang pakay nitong si clerk. Talagang humahanga lang.

Dali-dali siyang pumunta na ng cashier, kasunod si clerk. Inaayos ni clerk ang sando sa paglalagyan. "Thank you, sir!" bati muli ni clerk, bago umalis at iwan siya sa counter.

Kumakabog pa rin dibdib niya habang palayo ng Bench.

Nung pag-uwi niya, hinubad niya ang lahat ng damit at tumingin sa salamin. Siniyasat ang katawan. Tinignan ang kanyang chest. Unti-unting naramdaman ang pagtigas ng kanyang ari. Hinawakan, hinaplos.

at nung natapos, humiga siya at inulit niya ang eksena sa utak niya.

"Babalikan ko yung hayop na yun"

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some instagram pics

2012-01-22T00:47:00.002+08:00

really love this iphone app. brings out the artist in the amateur. haha

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a quickie: insecurities

2012-01-17T22:28:00.001+08:00

young friend asks: you still have insecurities, at your age? that's an awfully long while to be carrying it around.di ka ba napapagod? i mean, don't you want to do something about that?

my reply: ok, here's a preview of your life 20 years from now

the insecurities. they dont go away. they remain there for a reason. they are there to keep me grounded. i am humbled by them. and they keep me aspiring.

but the big difference? how i react to them now. i hardly think about them. im reminded of them when im quite selfish or 'attached' to the physical. but i dont dwell on them. i acknowledge and embrace them as my own. but they don't possess me anymore.

it's a big difference for me.

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cc archives: manyaman (march 29, 2007)

2012-01-16T00:07:00.001+08:00

that's "delicious" in capampangan. An affair I couldn't forget. Probably up there in the list of gorgeousness. he was a former contestant of those ginoong chuva-chuva. a campampangan with the looks, the height and the built. couldn't believe he actually fell for me, poor me. :)

picture this... malate, bed to be exact. after midnight, not too crowded on a saturday night. i was with partner and some other friends just dancing. i noticed him. one couldn't ignore him because he really is 'model arrive' or model ang dating. but he was with another guy, a gym mate even, and i thought they were a couple. not until i saw gym mate hugging another guy did i realize that His Gorgeousness (HG) is actually available.

while partner was dancing his heart away, i subtly eyed him from across the dancefloor. (yeah, yeah, crucify me) i noticed he was slowly starting to acknowledge my presence (pa-simpleng sumusulyap). that emboldened me to go towards his side of the place, where the bar was. i ordered another drink while hoping against hope he would approach me. NAAAH he didnt. but he did look my way a couple of times. so i took it as a sign of interest. baka shy-type lang.

went back to my place and continued eyeing him. aba eh nag-shift rin siya towards my side of the dance floor! from time to time, partner would come back to me then dance again. then the 'expected' happened. he moved to go to the 2nd floor rest room! OPPORTUNITY!

i casually remarked to partner that i was going to the rest room. i followed him. he was done and zipping up (or buttoning up) when he saw me, with a surprised look (recognition!). i really had to use the john so i was kinda antsy he might leave. but lo and behold, he stayed in the sink area, doing the 'proverbial' hand washing, preening behaviors typical of one stalling for time.

i made it quick and was behind him. i got to know him that night, got his number, texted him mine. got to finally talk to him the day after. and told him my civil status "M". he changed his tone upon knowing that. i was honest about it. and how attracted i was to him.

that started it. a week after, i took him to a friend's house, the house he shares with his new love. the four of us had dinner then drinks al fresco at their verandah. i set up 'seductive music' in the background (thank you itunes & itrip). with the candlelight, the booze and the heat, the drinking session soon became heavy petting session. BOY WAS THAT HOT! he was just absolutely gorgeous, i felt i hit the jackpot!

the affair started and the complications followed soon after. partner is always out of town so it wasnt with him. it was with another affair that i had started before i met HG. in short, HG was already No 3. but he quickly moved up to No 2 after previous No 2 (soon to be known as legal eagle) broke up with me (because of HG).

fate intervened and took HG to Europe and the Middle East (only after a month into the affair). and you know what distance does to love... so the affair eventually drifted into zilch.

post script

he surprised me with a visit recently. i thought it was going to be rekindled. we had dinner and promised to see each other within the week. it never happened. never got in touch again. i heard he went back to Europe... for good.
Posted by closet case at 10:51 AM

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which is easier?

2012-01-13T23:56:00.001+08:00

The Gospel for Today was about that paralytic man who was brought to Jesus from the roof.

When Jesus saw their faith, he said to him,
"Child, your sins are forgiven."
Now some of the scribes were sitting there asking themselves,
"Why does this man speak that way? He is blaspheming.
Who but God alone can forgive sins?"
Jesus immediately knew in his mind what
they were thinking to themselves,
so he said, "Why are you thinking such things in your hearts?
Which is easier, to say to the paralytic,
'Your sins are forgiven,'
or to say, 'Rise, pick up your mat and walk'?
But that you may know
that the Son of Man has authority to forgive sins on earth"
-he said to the paralytic,
"I say to you, rise, pick up your mat, and go home."

I've always wondered: why is Jesus looking for the easy way? Did Jesus not anticipate the scribes would consider what He did blasphemy?

Why is it easier to say "your sins are forgiven" rather than "rise, pick u
your mat and walk?" I'm thinking it is easier, or more convenient to say something as abstract as 'your sins are forgiven' because there is no expectation for the paralytic to walk by the guests. So if the paralytic fails to walk, no failed promise.

But it seemed so superficial. I wouldn't like to think that Jesus just 'afraid' of making announcements that fail. Because he will never fail. So what does he actually mean by "easier"?

Perhaps it is in the context of "ease of understanding" his message. His message has always been that of forgiveness and of redemption. He heals wounds and affliction caused by sin. The healing comes from forgiveness and repentance. The crowd, seeing someone forgiven and healed, would understand what they would need to do to be healed, too. They would understand that their sins caused their pain and affliction. And by asking forgiveness from the Lord, they will be healed.

But healing this paralytic by just commanding the affliction to disappear will not bring his message of forgiveness to the crowd. All they will know and remember was that the man was healed.

So this is how I am able to finally make sense of the gospel. And it just reaffirms how much wiser He is. And how important it is to always contemplate on His Word.

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cc watched: julie&julia

2012-01-12T13:39:00.002+08:00

just finished watching 'julie&julia', the movie and all the special features of the disc. i never had much interest in special features (incl. behind-the-scenes). but because i still had some time after watching the movie, before dinner, i decided to watch the special features of the disc.

i remember an acquaintance who loves watching all the special features, esp. the behind the scenes footages. i remember him saying that these make the film infinitely more interesting. and thats the reason why he doesnt buy pirated movies, where a lot of these add-ons are subtracted.

watching the special features of julie&julia made me that realize he is right. the entire movie process is amazing itself. and seeing the actors as real people so soon after donning a 'character' makes me appreciate the art and skill! and of course, the entire creative process, conceptualization down to marketing is educational and inspiring.

back to the movie. well, i liked it because 1. meryl streep is in it. 2. its about blogging 3. meryl streep is in it.

mega-relate to the julie's blogging. how she started. how the first comment meant so much. and that argument with her hubby, how blogging made her so self-centered. and uncaring. hahaha. i should watch it. hehe.

a lot of people got bored with it, though. the pace does get really slow. and as much as i love meryl, her character's voice (julia child) does get tiring. and i didnt get nearly as hungry as i should have. lol

the special feature on julia child was an eye-opener. made me very curious about this celebrity chef. (though i guess she never crossed over to this side of the planet)

but i enjoyed. and at a time i was feeling quite ill, it made me smile.

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painting project

2012-01-11T22:33:00.001+08:00

an instagram friend posted a pic of a painting he did. i was impressed and asked if he could be 'commissioned'. he gamely responded. he turned out to be a raider! and would be happy to do a painting for me.what colors? what theme? what would you like me to paint for you? initially, i was tempted to direct him and tell him what i wanted for the bedroom wall. what the color scheme was inside so he could complement it.but i changed my mind. i told him to paint based on what he would want to paint for corpcloset. so no directions from me. just paint whatever is inside your head when you think of cc.soon he'll be starting on the project. im so eager to post the final output here. with his permission, of course.on a side note, ive been thinking of doing a sitting for a group of painters. a cousin told me some of the professional visual artists like to do group painting/sketching if only to keep their basic skills updated. he actual did a sitting for a group of 10 for a minimal amount. and the variety of interpretations was just amazing.so im interested to do this. a naughty part of me is thinking of a nude sitting. lol. nude photography would be too risque but maybe painting wouldn't it? besides a photograph of you hanging on a wall is sooo.. whatever. hehehe well, i still dont have the body worthy of it. just a silly late night thought.- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

it IS more FUN

2012-01-09T21:36:00.001+08:00

i previously posted this question what's there to visit in the philippines? i thanked the raiders who answered and gave their ideas about what to promote in the philippines.of course, that post was based on trying to strategize the best way to market the country to foreigners. at lot of talk was generated by the ballyhooed 'Pilipinas Kay Ganda' campaign. and comparisons with 'Wow Philippines' were made. and these were all benchmarked against 'Malaysia, Truly Asia', 'Incredible India', etc. etc. but at the heart of it, i still wondered, what really is uniquely 'Philippines'? we can come up with great slogans but what are we really selling?and if i look at the country campaigns, i can even daresay that the elements are interchangeable, except perhaps for a tourism icon that is truly globally recognized. so when we talk about our pristine beaches, and geological formations, these don't seem so unique anymore. foreigners have hundreds of beach destinations to choose from. intramuros? they might as well go to europe. and i can go and on. mid-2011, a domestic campaign won awards for DOT.

and instead of racking its brains trying to be unique, it highlighted affordability. well, it is a compelling positioning. imagine the same thing at 10% of the price? but this was for domestic travellers, where cost is an issue. it could apply internationally, if we choose the 'budget traveller' segment as our target market.but we can't be fighting on price alone. there must be something else. in the late 80's, DOT had a poorly funded campaign positioning the country as 'Fiesta Islands'. i like 'fiesta', it is widely accepted locally and yet has an international ring to it. and it highlights something unique (so they say: the hundred and one fiestas we hold yearly). the only problem i had was that it was limiting. it was highlighting the events, not the country. and seasonal.

from the comments i got from the post, one included a reference article written by foreigner who just travelled here in the country. and it also lists down many of our usual tourist destinations. but it ended with how unique the Filipino smile is. or to be less romantic about it, how unique the experience was because of the way the Filipinos interacted with them. we were approachable, helpful, charming, hospitable, always laughing, inquisitive... we were 'fun'. and that struck a chord. if i were to plan a campaign, i would use that as the central insight. how do we market the tourist experience in the country, using the Filipino's unique character as a unique benefit?the great thing about the Filipino is that he/she is currently our no. 1 export product. and though there are some negative associations with being "Filipino" abroad (mostly from other Filipinos), the experience of working with Filipinos has been rich and rewarding. and they experience this not just in the workplace, but at other places as well, in churches, and even in the OFW homes as they welcome their foreign guests with overflowing food and karaoke. (at this point, please suspend comments on kidnappings and security!)the Filipino is fun-loving, whether in the homes of Hong Kong or on the building sites of Jeddah or here at home! so a tourist's experience of the Phiippines' beautiful beaches, wonderful sights becomes infintely richer as they are welcomed, entertained, charmed, served by the fun-loving Filipino!is this the campaign i've been looking for?

if you visit the site, you'll note the blurb below, an exact description of the insight.

the tagline itself, with SOOOO many people attacking it does not capture the entire insight. but it is not supposed to! the tagline is just that, a one-liner. the campaign will rest on the visuals, the copy, the entire concept as it plays out. in the same way, what is "malaysia, truly asia" as a simple line? but we remember that line remarkably well because we saw the entire campaign as a seamless "proof" of how 'Asia' malaysia is.so im excited to see the entire campaign. the insight is there. and the starting executions already show the potential of the campaign.i stop here. for ive said so much. but there is an amazing sequel to this post, coming from an article in rappler, from maria ressa...- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

another papal pronouncement

2012-01-09T09:37:00.004+08:00

what a headline! pope: other denominations not true church

Pope Benedict XVI has reasserted the universal primacy of the Roman Catholic Church, approving a document released Tuesday that says Orthodox churches were defective and that other Christian denominations were not true churches.Benedict approved a document from his old offices at the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith that restates church teaching on relations with other Christians. It was the second time in a week the pope has corrected what he says are erroneous interpretations of the Second Vatican Council, the 1962-65 meetings that modernized the church.On Saturday, Benedict revisited another key aspect of Vatican II by reviving the old Latin Mass . Traditional Catholics cheered the move, but more liberal ones called it a step back from Vatican II.Benedict, who attended Vatican II as a young theologian, has long complained about what he considers the erroneous interpretation of the council by liberals, saying it was not a break from the past but rather a renewal of church tradition.msnbc article

this got the ire of many, many friends both real and virtual. one went as far as the actually cuss the pope for this pronouncement.

at a recent dinner before the fabcast, this topic came out. then they turned to me, the "devout" catholic, for comments. with all their fangs showing (hihihi), i can only muster a lame "what else do you expect the pope to say?"

on hindsight, though, well, that IS what i'd still want to say. what else should the pope, the leader of the catholic faith, defender, protector, say about such matters? i say this without agreeing to the the statement. i only agree that the pope is supposed to make this pronouncement.

the marketing rationale

if you will look at the catholic faith as some sort of brand/product (again, suspension of disbelief needed), you can liken the faithful to its loyal users. an old, reliable brand that has stood for the same things over the millenia. (much more than coke or apple!) and its base of users rely on it for exactly the same things.

now the catholic church is besieged by a lot of 'competition': other denominations, other faiths. and it is well aware that there is a continuous erosion of its 'users' as they convert. classic marketing dilemma: if it is a question of relevance, does the brand tinker with its basic premise/positioning to remain relevant and stem this hemorrhage? or will it rather remain faithful to its essence and be 'loyal' to its current users, though the numbers are getting fewer?

the bigger pay-off (stemming the tide and actually probably attracting new users) will come from a re-positioning. It is also more expensive (bigger investment). And a lot risker because of the probability of alienating the current loyal base.

the more conservative (and less expensive way) is to maintain the positioning and remain faithful to some 'core values".

if you think of Vatican II as some sort of reaction to be more relevant, the question is, did it work? the current pope seems to think it didnt. we dont have the figures but perhaps, the catholic faithful from 1960's hasn't grown as much. hence, the repositioning failed.

so we see a pope now looking at the current base of loyal users/faithful. and he is intent on keeping them by going back to the 'earlier' positioning of a more fundamental, conservative catholic church. he would rather appeal to this base, and keep them from converting. and give up trying to be 'more relevant' in these times.

hence, the return to the latin version of the holy eucharist. and lately, the strong rejection of gay marriage. he is just being consistent. and he is just saying what his loyal base expects him to say.

now, let me discuss this thing about 'true' church.

marketing's objective is to create 'a perceptual monopoly'. perceptual because it exists only in the mind of the consumer. as a marketer, i want my brand to be the ONLY one which can answer my consumer's needs and wants. the ONLY one. i justify that with all sorts of benefits and features. but i essentially communicate that my brand is the ONLY brand, there can be no other. is this real? of course not, especially for commodities. hey, water is water is water, right? but perrier? evian? you know what i mean.

id be a foolish marketer if i start out by saying that all water is the same. consider this statement: hey! all water is the same, but please buy my brand because .... sounds weird, right? why establish parity in the first place? you should establish differentiation and/or superiority!

which is why the pope simply had to say that the catholic church is the 'true church'. he had to differentiate. he had to claim 'superiority'. he had to claim that. if not, why even be faithful to the catholic church? if he said that all denominations are equal in the path to God and righteousness, why stick to the catholic faith?

the faithful, the loyal user base needs to hear, time and again, that they are on the 'right' path, or on the 'right side'. their allegiance needs to be reinforced. so..

again, on a marketing perspective, he is just saying what is expected of him.

a must-see

2012-01-05T22:20:00.003+08:00

our hispanic colonial past, though said to mirror the other latin american countries, especially mexico, is still something i would call unique to our culture. the blend of asian-hispanic influences may feel like a clash of sorts, resulting in a confused pinoy heritage. but it remains part of us. part of me. and i feel a kinship towards it. which is why when i got to visit Las Casas Filipinas de Acuzar in Bagac, Bataan in September, i was in love.

it is an experience that is worth recapturing. because i grew up in a house much like these. i have memories of capiz windows. of slatted wooden floors that needed to be polished with a bunot. of staircases and aparadors. of termite and mice infestations. of stories of aswangs and tikbalangs and white ladies. my dreams, and sometimes nightmares, all happen within the context of this old house.

seeing representatives of that era reconstructed, painstakingly transferred from previous locations, evokes lovely memories. i just had to bring the family there when my siblings came to visit for the holidays.

the resort allows some of the houses to be rented as suites. but they also have a hotel-type with rooms. i booked one house for all 11 of us, Casa Jaen, for an overnighter as a christmas gift. im glad to have given them a gift of time travel.

there's a bridge that connects to the shore. a wonderful and romantic walk at night reminiscent of paris. don't let the figures below scare you. the tikbalang and the manananggal serve as our gargoyles of notre dame!

tourists, local and foreign, would do well to visit this. the architecture spans generations, actually. and the houses have stories to tell. dinner at the plaza would have folk dancing. not a pinoy strong point but heck, it's still part of the package anyway.

ill come back here when the church is done. from the pillars already up, it seems like it would be a wonderful edifice, standing beside the 'river'.

and since this faces the west, you can have your fill of sunsets.

at only 3.5 hours away from manila via the scenic sctex, it is a perfect getaway for me and simplyred.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

shameless self promotion

2012-01-04T20:37:00.002+08:00

i have unfollowed/unfriended (mayroon bang ganun?) twitter/fb acquaintances when i get turned off by blatant self-promotion. some of them are just full of uploaded pics (and sometimes videos) of themselves in various stages of dress and undress. just too much. others retweet the nice comments they receive every time. kailangan talagang malamam ko through your retweet that you are appreciated?

so one time, this came up in a fabcast. they were wondering about this common friend, a blogger. i remarked, hay naku. i unfollowed him because of shameless self promotion, i remarked. mgg quickly retorted. parang ikaw lang.

immediate reaction - felt my face growing super red. anger. hoy! how dare you, i thought to myself. ako pa? anonymous na nga ang blog ko! but i kept that to myself. and was just laughing as i mentally reviewed my online personas. my fb profiles? hmm well aside from the dp, my pics are not just me. more often, landscapes, other people. di naman lagi ako, ha?

days after, i am still bothered. and offended. then i realize that the perspective of another person will not always be the same as mine. and as far as he is concerned, i am as self-promoting as those that i actually detest (nah, not really detest. too strong. i look down upon) and it is true. if i had no career to consider, no 'image' to think about, id be using the online medium to super-promote myself and get affirmation. and i actually do. inserting a picture here and there in my different accounts to get noticed.

and i realize that that is the reason why i react to them who self-promote. i am just like them. with less balls.

Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

sixth sense

2012-01-04T06:19:00.002+08:00

i just woke up.

i had a dream i was in my high school. in the old building part of the school. i was with my fag hag girl friend. that part of school was from hispanic times. and was thought to be haunted.

in the course of the dream, i was walking on the corridors when i started seeing dead people. first there was this black young priest who smiled and just walked into a wall. then as i went inside the men's toilet, there were two more, old priests (italians) whom i knew in my dream have died. but instead of fear, i felt like i had that eureka moment "wow! i can see dead people! i finally have 'the eye!'"

i was inside one of the rooms when i saw a group of them walking through, including one i knew, a friend. i asked him so casually how he has been since he died. and he just said that all has been fine.

i was asking fag hag whether she could see the person i was talking to! i was excited for her to see as well. but she didnt. and she still couldn't see.

i walked out into the corridors again, an intersection, and there was music and dancing, among the dead people in daylight! and i joined them in the revelry. and i can see them in all forms and sizes, some disfigured, some looking more like monsters. but none of them were scary at all. actually there was this peace and happiness as i realized i could see them.

and in my dream, i just wanted to tell people that 'hey, there is life after death.' it ain't so bad! nothing to be afraid of.

then i woke up. nothing abrupt. and i just had to write about it.

first post, 2012

2012-01-01T15:40:00.002+08:00

im glad 2011 is over. one of my worst years, professionally. and when i reread that 2011 feng shui book, it actually mentioned that 2011 was going to be a major challenge. i would be worker so much harder than before. but i shouldnt lose heart.

and i didnt. i kept at it. trying to tap into a well of inspiration and drive somewhere deep within. i thought it wasnt there. but it was. and with that i had developed the steely resolve to do a hell of a lot better. yes. they can count 2011 as their yearl. yes. we are downl. but we are not out. far from it. (im practicing my first day of work speech, hehehe)

on a personal note,however, i did pretty well. two major things i have accomplished: to lose enough flab to actually see some abs. and to have started voice lessons. two projects that seemed to have been in the list forever. finally done and written off (well not exactly written off. im still at it.) coincidentally, for both projects, i slackened this december. i havent devoted enough time to practicing singing. and i have not been watching my eating during the holidays. but i wouldnt call them major fail either. i just need to bring both back starting today.

2011 was also good for travel. visited cities i have never see before: seoul, jakarta, bali, capetown, toronto. again, more cities to be 'written off' lol. but the downside, my worst case of insomnia ever. nights of totally no sleep and going to the office as walking dead. ugh. that was bad.

and on a health note, having done that executive check up again despite the schedule problems. done. after six years. but that will be done annually from now on.

finally, projects at the home decor area also accomplished. my attic is full of shelves now. even got the rug there finally. well some other loose ends but i got time for it.

some things i do want to get back doing. reading the daily scriptures. yeah. i used to do that everyday, every morning. should do that again. back to the sensible eating plan. ah yes, ive mentioned that. and getting that electric train set up permanently for tatay.

happy new year, raiders!

ny emos

2011-12-31T13:35:00.001+08:00

you can read how the timelines and shoutouts are filling up with some emo lines. it's year-in-review time. your 2011 life flashing back at you. the significant events light up in memory. some are triumphant. some are shining moments. but some painful ones also come to the fore. life-changing even, for some.

why can't this be just another day?

because we need to review life from time to time. we need to stop some time and take stock. review, analyze, relive. learn from then move on. it can't be all just moving forward, even if time since to just have one direction. our minds and souls move in all ways.

so new year, birthdays are posts in the highway of life that show us where we are, where we have been. how far we have come. how far we have yet to go.

and even if this seems trivial or perfunctory for others, i believe it serves a purpose. so we use this time wisely and reflect.

a happy new year happens when we can look back and say, i've had a good year.

Life in Feng Shui

2011-12-30T22:30:00.002+08:00

it all started with an officemate gave me the 2010 Chinese Horoscope and Feng Shui book by Lillian and Jennifer Too. He recently got into all these things even if he isnt Chinese. and he wanted to share his good fortune with me. He asked me my chinese zodiac sign and did his research about the Fire Horse. He gave me the book as an 09 Christmas gift.

It was accompanied by this odd-looking ornament, supposedly a fire symbol. The horoscope pointed out that 2010 will be marked by conflict, whether personal or business. The symbol, when placed appropriately in West, would ward off the conflict star. I complied by putting it in my office. I was thinking there would be no harm. And he does mean well.

In 2011, he gave me the book again. This time it was accompanied by this rather heavy piece, a 'wu lou', a container for keeping herbal cures in China. He told me that Illness star was on the Southern horizon. Hence, by placing the wu lou in the south of my bedroom, it would generate healing energies. And so I did. The household help must have found it odd, for it didn't look particularly appealing.

This Christmas, he gave me the 2012 book. And what came with it was this better looking Victory Banner, a symbol of victory. This would enhance my success if placed in the Southwest part of the bedroom.

PC arranged all this in the bedroom, following the strict orders of placement. He told me to bring the Fire Symbol home to slowly complete the amulets. So now I have three of these inside my bedroom. PC told me in time, I'd probably have all the amulets needed. Would I be megasuccessful by then?
I actually relate to the Chinese Zodiac more than the Astrological signs. When I read the descriptions of the Fire Horse, I see more similarity with that compared to my Piscean personality description. But since I love compromises, I feel that I am a combination of both, hence I am actually a Sea Horse. (weird ba? LOL)
In 2010, I was eager to actually read the book and see what it held for me, especially in the area of lovelife. Since I was single then, I was wondering if my love fortune would come true. But such eagerness came only at the start. So I never really knew whether it accurately predicted that I would fall in love with PC in August 2010. (I couldnt find the book anymore)
But this time, I still have the 2011 book. And I now have the benefit of hindsight! So what did I discover?
Well, I don't recall major illness this year. I actually did a complete executive check-up and was pronounced healthy. I don't even remember getting really sick during the year. No flu. Not even major colds. Well, I did have some exercise-related injuries. And I did suffer from insomnia after that Toronto trip. I am tempted to say that the book was grossly inaccurate. Though another might say that the wu lou actually worked!
The book actually has monthly summary of what to expect. I dont have the patience to go through it now. Im reading the prognosis for this month and I am surprised that it lists down that my spirits would be down, my confidence shot. And I have been going through such emo lately. Hmm. interesting.
I wont divulge the outlook for 2012. Yes, I have read a part of it. The dragon year would still be very challenging for the Horse. That's enough. Ill revisit this book mid-year and see again if it predicted anything accurately. Meanwhile, I shall let these amulets do their work and hope that 2012 will turn out to be a better year for me.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

cc TOL: charity

2011-12-21T16:59:00.006+08:00

cc TOL: cc thinks out loud. thoughts and musings. random. unedited. thoughts on the fly.

this post excludes philanthropic work for typhoon victims.

i just did my good deed for the season. i feel great.

tweets one friend.

christmas time. i see my timelines loaded with do-gooders feeling good with their good deeds. if you try to book parties at orphanages or other social institutions, you'd probably wait in line. schedules are full.

ahhh the wonderful spirit of christmas charity. generosity in the air.

why am i sounding sarcastic? because a part of me struggles with this seasonal charity.

i used to think that way. during christmas, i'd have this heightened sense of giving and forgiving. and i try to channel it by doing these good deeds.

one christmas, my partner then and i decided to pack goodies in a loot bag and give these away during the season anywhere and everywhere. we went to divisoria to get the best bargains. and i even had some of the people in the office help me sort and pack. then we went around the metro, distributing to street beggars and the homeless children. that was fun and it felt good.

then there were the occasional christmas parties at orphanages and halfway houses. asilo, golden acres. we would bring the food and the entertainment. share our blessings. make them smile and happy. and make ourselves happy, too.

then we leave them behind. then we go back to our lives. then for the rest of the year, we conveniently forget about them. meanwhile, they are left alone again. and once those resources we pumped into them gets used up, they are back to begging, back to looking for funding, and making ends meet. taghirap na naman.

and truth of the matter, we never came back. there were always others institutions to help and cheer.

can't doing good be year round? can't we think of them, the less privileged, the have-less all year round? and look at ways we can be helping on a more sustainable basis? if we liked how we felt then, wouldn't we want to feel that way whole year round?

control of this also resides in the institution. they could say no and tell you that they would rather you donate on a regular basis than just hold these once-a-year-or-less parties. but that wouldn't be polite.

oh well. just Thinking Out Loud.

meeting raiders

2011-12-19T08:16:00.007+08:00

it is always such a pleasure to meet raiders of the blog (ok, fine, it is inherently flattering!) truly, encountering you guys who spend time to actually read this is so meaningful. ive met a quite a few in the past 4 years this blog has been around. ill try to recall some of those meetings. and it might not be comprehensive. i might or will miss out on some. ipagpaumanhin po. malilimutin na.!

my earliest recollection will start with meeting the nyc-based raiders, both of whom i remember but i wont mention their names to protect them. one of them i have this eternal debt of gratitude for. he lent me his iphone during that time i had that unfortunate incident, losing my phone in a party. and ill always remember him as the guy who took me to cafe lalo where 'you got mail' was filmed. and that was such a nice walk in central park! he shared me with his life abroad, and what he left in the philippines. through him i caught a glimpse of the bittersweet life of filipinos working abroad. and if you are still reading the blog, thank you for everything!

the other raider represented one who knew the manhattan gay life well. and he was such a fun spirit to have around, young and spritely. we met up in a nice drinking hole, and he even tagged me along on a visit to a friend's place. with him, i got to know that nyc's meatpacking district is not about meat. hehe

sg-based raider started corresponding via email. and he was ultra-secretive about his identity. im thankful he trusted me enough to meet up with me during a trip to manila that first time. we met up in ucc podium, and for a while, i thought he wanted to change his mind. he walked past me as i waited for the guy in the red shirt. but he eventually decided to face me. and that started a correspondence that has spanned years. he was kind enough to also meet me during one of my trips to sg. he brought me to watering hole at the top floor of one of the tallest buildings. and updated me about his life. first time for me to see sg from that perspective!

then there was my visit to dubai. to see my sister and her family. i met up with dubai-based raider, who hails from the south. he was so gracious to treat me to dinner and a night cap. im happy he continues to be in touch, wherever he is at. i think he is back in the phils. welcome back! :)

fabcasts create a different audience

i always thought that those who follow the fabcasts from the blogposts were raiders. i discovered that there are fabcast listeners who dont follow the blog at all but are still familiar with the character cc as one of the fabcasters. if im not mistaken, i have met up with one or two. sadly though, i can't remember who among them..

the grindr connection

when i was active in grindr, i used my cc persona. i didnt bother creating a new one. for one thing, it would be such a hassle to create and maintain another identity. and besides, maybe the "cc" brand has some equity. LOL. i met up with two raider/grindrees. and contrary to what you will conclude, nothing intimate (and you know what i mean) transpired between us. perhaps it was more of lacking in opportunity. or their interest in me was not there. hehe. one of them recounted his coming to terms story. and i was touched that the blog was part of that story. the other one.

the cc twitter

twiitter gave raiders a new channel to access cc. and though i was a late starter in the twitterworld and im certainly not even profilifc, i loved the chance it gave me to interact on a more immediate level. almost instantaneous! so i started to have a more accessible personality online.

a tweeter follower needed to interview a "Senior guy" for his psychology class. so he messaged me. OUCH. lol. i went through with it anyway, always glad to help someone taking up the same major as i did. his questions provoked me to think and i appreciated that much. and he went super-out of his way to meet up. eventually blog. thank you for giving me fodder for the blog!

the generous ones

when i blogged about fellowfab aj's financial problems, i was touched to get responses from two raiders. they eventually contributed to the cause. and i am so touched by their generosity. i met one of them over coffee, and our professional lives had some intersection! i have yet to meet the other one. and i still owe him coffee. pramis!

and very recently, i had a chance to meet two raiders through tweeter. they are also tweeter friends but this was the first offline meeting for all three. and one common denominator is our failing eyesight. so we were three blind mice having nice sunday conversation. they are so different from one another, although born months apart. yet they have been online friends for a while now. it started at that site called plurk. (i didnt even know this network existed!) they have their colorful stories to tell, despite their young ages. and what should have been a jogging AND chatting session became pure chat. and im the better for it.

from just raiders or listeners or followers, from being just electronic avatars, these people have become real to me. real people with real lives. some simple. some quite dramatic. but all worth listening to. and i am happy that through this blog, i have heard their stories and have met them in real life.

when i hear them talk about the blog, i am tickled pink. i am amazed that they do know details, or at least remember those that stand out for them. my raunchy posts will always be part of that list of memorable ones! and sometimes, i still feel so naked as they tell me their recollections. blogging can be so passive. me just hammering away on a keyboard my stories, both sordid and saintly. and with no immediate responses or replies, the words remain words, devoid of meaning once written. but hearing raiders echo back my posts could still be quite uncomfortable, embarrassing, and at times, unnerving. maybe ill get used to it. lol

megablogger miggs (mega because of size? LOL) regularly organizes big meet ups. which really suits his big following. in contrast, im pretty happy with these small, intimate meetings with raiders. i get to know you more intimately (not in any lewd sense! LOL) and hopefully, i could give you a real dimension to the cc persona. do remember that the blog remains just a part of the cc persona. and it is not everything!

i know ill have my chance to get to know some of you in the future, if you so desire. if that happens, i will only request that you be as comfortable with me as you could be. prepare a question or two to set the ball rolling. and i will hope that the experience would be enriching for you as it has always been for me.

and so this is christmas

2011-12-16T21:04:00.005+08:00

in two weeks, it will be christmas. i just finished decorating. and my only decor this year is the christmas tree. i kept to last year's silver theme. and added christmas balls to the icicles and the string of silver pearls. then i became obsessed with finding snowflake trimmings. there used to be so much of that. sus! i wnet around and around looking for one. finally found some nice silver ones in ace hardware. and my tree is done.

i just sat there, admiring my work. naks. who else will anyway? lol. and im thinking how different christmas will be this year.

my previous chrstmas activities included, of course, shopping for gifts. which i actually enjoy. i challenge myself to get the perfect gift within the budget i have set. that's why my gift list has budget amounts per person! so i have an idea, or a total budget, for gifts. and i shouldn't overspend. shopping stresses me out, too. especially trying to guess if the gift will be appreciated. but that would be for family, special friends and that special someone.

for people in the office, i usually just buy ham. its practical. and it turns out that they actually look forward to it. especially now when gifts of ham seem to be few or none at all. so i order in bulk. and i let my secretary distribute. less headache. more people happy.

then there are the inaanaks. which is cash. i can begin to imagine what they would want. most of them i hardly get to see. so i buy those money cards and, voila! im done.

as i rose up the ranks, i started to get more and more gifts. from suppliers (expected) then even from the employees. this if find touching. because they really go out of their way to get me something, even if simple. and i just usually let them pile up in my office, without opening a single one. i bring them all home and open them come christmas morning. oh how i used to love opening and opening gifts. taking out the ribbons. tearing open the wrapping. the household help would delight watching me. they never saw so many gifts.

but i stopped that recently. i found out belatedly that some gifts were food that spoiled. sayang naman. so i usually check my gifts already even before christmas morning.

im also so lazy to do shopping now. so i decided to give to friends gifts of health from the company. and no, these gifts are not freebies. i actually still pay for them at employee's discount.

i dont do the simbang gabi thingie. i remember one time decades ago when i tried. i was still in a different gym. and id get up early to jog within the area before the gym opens. i saw that there was a chapel along my jogging route. so i decided to do the simbang gabir novenas. i d get to the chapel in my jogging outffit. and i almost completed it. but i had to be in pampanga during one day. and i wasnt able to schedule my simbang gabi that one time. so nasira rin ang plano ko. never again will i even attempt.

christmas eve is uneventful for me. my parents sleep early. my siblings are all abroad. so i usually just play christmas songs and sleep early. christmas dayi tself is bigger, when my mom hosts parties for the kamag-anaks.

christmas this time carries a sort of sad note. news from office performance, from my sisters and brother, well werent so positive. but after our office christmas party yesterday, i felt better. because christmas is simply christ+mas = putting more of christ in the celebration. i liked that. i ended my speech that way last night.

and so this is christmas. and it will still be a wonderful christmas!

ceo nightmares

2011-12-12T12:31:00.002+08:00

i had this terrible dream last night. it was how this competitor of ours has finally won. and we no longer enjoy the patronage we used to have. i was announcing the massive layoffs to the people. the mood was so sad. and i was also being pounced on by the board. my presentation was being riddled with bullet holes, i felt so bad.

i guess that is the heart of my anxieties lately. this fear of terrible things to happen to the company. my nightmares when i was a kid included your usual ghosts and devils. but i remember being haunted by... numbers. yes, numbers that would appear randomly, getting bigger and bigger, overwhelmingly.

eventually, i'd have more personal anxiety dreams. of fighting with my parents. of shouting matches with siblings. then eventually, with lovers. all very personal. reflecting my current preoccupations with my life.

only now do i recall company related dreams. bad dreams that had me panting, sweating. i guess this reflects the scope of responsibilities now. what i do, what i decide impacts so directly on people i manage. and i have being wracking my brains trying to come up with answers to problems. solutions. strategies. oh my head aches just thinking about it.

im in a blue zone now.

IJ Case 16: Remington's Man of Steel

2011-12-11T07:35:00.001+08:00

If you're ever in Toronto, and feeling in need of some live hotness, by all means, look for this!

Toronto is supposed to have the 3rd biggest Pride March, after only New York and San Francisco. So you will find a very lively, gay friendly city with lots of spots to visit. No wonder Queer as Folk shot all seasons of the series here!

On my first night, to prevent me from sleeping, my friend took me to this strip club. It was on a legitimate part of downtown Toronto. and it didnt even bother to be discreetly tucked away somewhere. it was on a main street.

Entrance on a Thursday night was 10 dollars (CAD) per person. not bad. entrance opens to a bar. and at 10pm, there was only one mixed group ogling at the only dancer on the stage with the pole. Dancer was muscled, not cut, but really beefy. and he had this DUH look that made him look like a football jock.

only after a few minutes of dancing, he whips out his cock and strokes it to bigness. the mixed table shrieks in delight. i was shocked. this is the first strip joint i've ever visited in north america. the clubs i visited in manhattan were just discos with gogo boys. so this blatant display of cock amazed me.

we went up to the second floor, which also had a bar and its own stage and pole. and there were more people here, well more fags here. and id say the average age of the clientele is 50! yup. geriatric crowd. and all the hot guys were just walking around or entertaining at the tables. some of them already in their 'costumes": briefs, tank tops. most of them are the stuff of american porn - big, muscled beefcakes. a few were outstandingly handsome. the rest were still fine.

and their business, while waiting for their turn at the stage, is to talk to the clientele and convince them to go to the private room for a lap dance. my friend/host has tried it once. 40 dollars for like 15-20 minutes. yeah, they strip all the way. yeah, they would allow you to touch. beyond that, he's not sure. apparently during his try, he even got big macho russian to eat his asian meat. whoa.

well, since i was still getting sleepy, despite the display of muscles and cock, we called it a night and went home. but it was some kind of experience, i must say. it's like seeing those hunks you download on xtube come to life. and if you've got the inclination and the finances, hey you could really make your wet dreams come true.

Diaspora of the Young and the Restless

2011-12-11T05:40:00.000+08:00

i love this word diaspora! it seems so exotic!

they are not exactly your typical OFW. they don't have the sad stories of a hard life in the rural areas, of cows sold off, of dreams that couldnt be fulfilled if they continued as teachers, engineers, nurses in the philippines.

they are young, mid20s - 30s, tertiary level of education or higher, from manila's better schools - up, ateneo, la salle. from mostly upper C families which have provided them with good Catholic private education.

they can earn decently in the philippines. corporate types they were when they started their careers here, usually with the multinationals. but they were lured by the prospects of overseas.

probably for the pay, but most usually, a chance to be truly independent, to experience the world, to learn from usually first world economies. so these are largely male, adventurous. not yet an expat but definitely beyond rank and file.

they leave the country with eyes wide open. and are excited about their prospects. they earn big. and since they dont have to remit to any famiy member, they end up with huge disposable incomes. and they indulge voraciously in either luxury brands, travel, gadgets, or nightlife.

being filipino allows them to assimilate quite easily to the culture. and they are proud that they see and experience the more upscale living of the locals. very far from the ofws they would bump into, going to church, or at the mall.

they probably avoid them, avoid the association. they certainly feel and know that they are different from them. and though they respect them, they belong to different worlds.

they can go home anytime, should their schedules permit. and most of them do that. besides, they are soooo wired that their friends back home hardly miss them.

with all that money they could use to entertain them, with their excellent assimilation skills, do they ever get lonely like their kababayans?

i suspect they'd tell you that they dont feel it as often. again, part of that answer is to differentiate themselves from the ofw, constrained to save every penny earned. and surely, the twitter and fb links, and the magic jack and skype are within reach. but my guess is that most of it is denial of loneliness. that they can't and shouldn't be lonely. because this is their choice. because they wanted this. and feeling lonely is almost like regretting. no way.

i have been seeing so many of them in the networks. and i suspect some of my raiders are in their lot. and as i am proud of them, for im sure they make their bosses and firms proud of the way they work, their intelligence, their creativity, they have also left that gap here in the phils.

we could certainly use their talent and skills. unfortunately, who could afford them when they are done with their social experiment and are ready to go home? they may have priced themselves out of the market.

the good rumours flying about. manny pangilinan is luring them back to the philippines with pay that match their current salary levels. i hope they are attracted enough to come back and contribute. we have much to learn and gain from them. it would be a pity if their stint there ends with a citizenship application

body clock major reset

2011-12-05T06:29:00.002+08:00

two nights of insomnia, i couldn't take anymore. i resorted to modern medicine to help me. finally slept soundly from 1030pm to 5am. even though im wondering why i woke up at 5am when i should be up by 630am. oh well. i shouldn't be complaining.

i felt like i was a subject in sleep deprivation experiments. being a psych major in the 80s, we read through much of those. and that research helped us understand all about sleep, brain waves, REM, etc. (geek stuff)

i just want to catalogue my experience with this.

jet lag didnt use to be a major problem for me. my trips to the U.S. (the worst in terms of body clock resets) would have me recovering in a few days, simply by pushing myself to stay awake. i never recalled the bouts of all-night insomnia previously. so i'm guessing age has a lot to do with it.

i arrived wednesday night here in the phils. in the plane, i tried to adjust to manila time by timing my sleep. but i was never really good at sleeping in planes anyway. so i was dead tired upon arriving. and when i finally fell asleep by 1am, it lasted me till 10am. wonderful, i thought. im almost adjusted.

thursday night was the killer night. that was my first bout of bad insomnia. totally no sleep. and i documented that with this men-at-play fantasy. (thanks, raiders, for suggesting that. i didnt even know that there is porn dedicated to my fetish!) i survived my morning meetings. feeling really light headed. i thought id be irritable. but i felt i was just floating.

forced myself to take a nap during lunch break. was scared i might sleep through the afternoon so i told my secretary to wake me by 3pm. i woke up on my own by 2pm. and continued to my meeting, then to working out. which most people warned me against.

that friday night, i had a massage that ended up arousing me. but nevertheless, i slept soundly (having been awake for 24 hrs) and woke up saturday 11am! almost 12hrs of sleep. aha! im recovering! so saturday was nice, regular day and afternoon with pc. going to the dinner party by 7pm, i was feeling sleepy again but i snapped out of it during the dinner.

by 1230am, i was home and ready for sleep. and sleep never came. ever. that was so horrible. though i felt no pressure to wake up early. i just had to be up by 11am for my voice lessons. so i was calmly trying to sleep. talked to a pal for 30mins. tried to chat over at ym. even wanted to get another massage. nada. no chance anymore.

i did my jerk-off. also with no results. by 530am, i was still awake and trying to arrange my schedule for the day. hmm. i was suppose to do voice lessons by 11am, rehearsals with performers by 2pm then 4pm jog. how about mass? maybe at 9am. oh, then there's the fabcast by 8pm. di ako busy on a sunday, noh?

then i just decided to change the order. i was seized with the urge to jog in up early morning. well, relatively early first time for me to jog in peyups at that time, on a whim. and i was greeted by traffic. due to a fun run. grrr. but i still managed to do my run. and found myself out of breath by 4km. hmm the effect of sleep deprivation?

i remained awake, even during the mass and the voice lessons. i took a 30min nap after lunch as i waited for the rehearsal time. i found myself still alert but the floating feeling remained. i felt like an extra for walking dead.

by 630pm, i went for a massage again. went through the list of 'home service massage' in sulit.com.ph texted the spas and numbers, inquiring about cost and availability. i got one quick response, from what looked like a cutie. i finalized plans and i was impressed with the very courteous texts. and though he had a nice pic in the profile, i didnt expect him to be.

but he turned out to be really cute in person. 'cute' is so appropriate because he was vertically challenged. pero gwapo, tisuyin. and true enough, his manner was very professional and quite thorough. he looked really serious about what he was doing and was careful not to casually wander into my groin area. professional and legitimate. and cute. so it was a good massage, and not arousing, not like the last time.

but as relaxing the massage was, i still didnt fall asleep during the activity. i would doze off, from time to time. but never for a long period. was jet lag kicking in again? hay.

after dinner, i resolved to take the route of medical science. and drank a mild sleeping pill. by 1030pm, i was off to dreamland.

this is truly the most difficult jet lag experience i have had. and i am praying that i have recovered. ill only find out tonight. ill have that sleeping pill around just in case i have a relapse.

before i turn in

2011-12-04T00:30:00.003+08:00

im on my bed. waiting for sleep to arrive. i hope jet lag has left my system. i cant bear another night of tossing, turning and jerking off. lol

saturday is pc day. and that meant staying here in my bed, catching up on episodes we have missed. today is downton abbey day. we are still in season 1. pc loves this period telenovela. it has such sharp wit, which only the british could write. we end up laughing out loud, because we actually get it! hahaha

we also watched avatar again. because i was testing the bluray player freebie i got from samsung. this new one was a replacement. the first one conked out after 1 day! factory defect! hay. well, this one seemed to be functioning well. sadly though, it wouldnt play avchd format, which is the format of the pirated bd that i buy. boo. i might end up buying that el cheapo from cd-r king. i gave one to my secretary and she seems pleased with it.

we had dinner with some friends. one was celebrating his birthday. this is the mapanglait crowd. but all in good humor. it was fun touching base with them.

last night, i had home service massage. perfect for my insomnia. only problem, the therapist was this 6ft sexy cute guy. and he stripped to his undies while he was massaging me. so instead of being able to relax, i became aroused, and bothered. because i didnt want to have a happy ending. yet i was so conscious of the way my foot would casually stray in his crotch area, or my hand. he actually offered. but i declined. so after the massage, i was in this state of arousal. i had to eat to distract myself! lol

tomorrow, ill have voice lessons, rehearsals for some singing ill do on tuesday then a nice run in peyups in the afternoon. i hope the weather is sunny. i love the afternoon sun there.

so good night for now. i hope slumber comes soon.

insomnia face-to-face

2011-12-02T05:55:00.002+08:00

i stared at insomnia face-to-face
it was a staredown
first to blink wins, conversely.
im still up. i couldnt even blink. i lost.

at first, i tried. i really tried. it was classic tossing and turning. worse is that i had irritating itchy throat that made me cough.

then i turned to tweeting. at first, sporadically, in between trying to catch sleep.

next it was warm milk and reading murakami. but i got bored soon. and hungry. so i devoured my left-over sandwich from pancake house.

i tried to schedule a massage at 330am. but therapist would be arriving by 430am. too late, i thought.

i went back to tweeting the few souls still awake at that time. thanks, @ronanmuch, for replying. thank God for night owls.

its past 4am. i drifted to fantasizing. to get my libido up so i could do a decent jerk off.

my favorite fantasy: office sex. a guy in a suit. a closed-door business meeting. turned hot with one look.

no words spoken. nothing passes except oohs and ahhhs. we whip our cocks out from our suits. standing face to face we stroke our cocks. the atmosphere becomes hotter. we loosen our ties. but we still have our coats on.

our pants fall to our ankles as we approach each other, stroking each others cock. he goes down on me. i part my shirt, my tie so it wouldnt bother him as he gives me one fucking hot blowjob.

my turn. i make the desk clear with one sweep of my arm and make him lie there. i suck his cock eagerly, hungrily. and watch him close his eyes and moan.

i wet my finger and put it up his tight ass. i flip him over and look at his nice smooth butt. i slap it and he groans. i open the cheeks wide as i insert my tongue. i smell his manscent. and it turns me on. i keep on licking that hole clean. and his balls. the hair tickles.

i insert one finger. he protests. in vain. i keep on pushing one, then two fingers inside. he groans. i feel his asshole tighten and loosen, alternately, uncontrollably.

im rock hard as i shove my cock inside him. he stifles his moan with his tie. i pound him, drive my cock into him, grabbing his shoulders, pulling his head, biting his ear.

i flip him over. and continue fucking him. i see his large engorged cock, oozing with precum. he is delirious as he holds his legs high up. i get turned on with his shoes and socks floating in the air. i ram it to him. give him all i got. until i come inside. i just keep coming. so much come i pump into him. and i see him furiously jerking off, coming, crying, cursing.

all over his undershit, his cum squirts. i pull out my still-hard cock. and remove the rubber, with so much cum inside.

i looked at the clock on my mobile. 5am. with my saved-up cum on my torso. in 30 mins, my alarm would go off to start my friday. sleeping now won't even help. shit. im not even sleepy.

still no blinking. i dont know how long i will last.

what's there for me to visit in the Philippines

2011-11-29T17:51:00.002+08:00

ive been asked this a couple of times from foreigners who don't know as much about the country. and unfortunately, there are still a lot of those. but the question is framed with a seeming intent to visit. so i appreciate the earnestness. so dear raider, if a foreigner, an afam, casually asks you this question, what will you answer?

a private person

2011-11-28T21:47:00.002+08:00

cc, how come you don't blog as often anymore? i miss reading stories of your life, how things are going with you.

ahmm. kasi boring na buhay ko compared to the first years of my bloglife.

oh come on. no way could it be boring. tell us about your relationship.

i thanked him for reading, i was touched that he came up to me at the activity. he didnt immediately get that i was cc. i guess the cc on my name tag looked like a shirt logo. lol. and he actually looked quite attractive. it was flattering to be acknowledged.

but i wasnt completely honest with him. my life is not boring, it is too stressful and exciting, but not in the usual way gay life would be. i used to perpetuate the stereotype: the clubbing, the random hot sex. then there was the search for The one, and the drama of loneliness in between. and all that made for good gay reading,

my life with pc is no less interesting. and i could imagine writing about many things that we have been through, both the light and the heavy. it won't be a tiggah post but it could still be fun to read.

however, pc is a very private person. he does not seek the limelight, actually shies away from it. he was raised that way. and i truly respect that. so even as i write this post, im thinking i might be violating a vow to keep our life private. yet i know that each personal post i write inadvertendly includes a part of our life. so i think he understands that compromise.

so my life with pc, even those i would love to share, is off the list of topics in this blog.

so i write about other things. and often, the inspiration to write is choked by the business of living every day. and i certainly wouldnt want to just write about anything. there is just too much garbage out there that i should not contribute to. so the pressure to write something just a bit more substantial mounts and sometimes, stifles. and days pass that no new post is written .

even my attittude towards twitter has evolved that way. i limit my tweets to those that can mean something. and not just to express myself. so i admire those who twit with wit everytime. (minsan turn off lang yung mga kailangan pang mag retweet ng mga puri na natatanggap nila.) but then again, everybody has a right to self-promote.

the posts may be few and far between, i apologize. and i dont want to make promises either, that posts will be forthcoming, full of meaning and substance. alas, i am not built that way either.

but i will try.

greetings from toronto

2011-11-26T06:12:00.002+08:00

im hanging out right now at the food court of one of the buildings inside the Univertsity of Toronto campus, waiting for a friend to finish his chores for the day.

this is one trip that almost never happened. and only had less than a month of advance notice. a leap of faith, actually. the opportunity to take this trip came just last month, as i was preparing for the trip to cape town. i hesitated, almost declined even then. because i felt i was still recovering from my trip by then. nevertheless, i went through the motions and inwardly, left it all up to God. Bahala na. if He didnt want me to go, circumstances will happen to prevent it.

it was quite a long shot, i only had barely two weeks to get my visa processed. then, when it was finally processed, it seemed like the wrong one. a workers visa instead of a visitors visa. we might have problems at the immigration of the port of entry in toronto. and that was like three days to the time i was set to depart. i couldnt decide. i didnt know if i wanted to go through the uncertainty, not knowing if the my visa might get questioned or revoked. i didnt know if i wanted to sit in an airplane for 12 hours, go through two layovers. am i still feeling up to it? and for a trip that would only last 5 days.

i ws asking for a sign. i even tweeted that request. and i got really funny answers from twitfriends (nitwits? hehe) then one of them just retweeted 'like trying to fly an airplane', about christian missionaries being very serendipitous, and just trusting God to provide. the title itself was some kind of ninuninuninu "airplane", followed by the content itself, of just believing. that made me decide to go for it and just Trust that this is what He wants, and that nothing untoward would happen.

and now, im here. ive actually endured that 12 hour trip from nagoya to detroit, managing to sleep through some of the time, even when i didnt get the seat i wanted, in coach. all the anxiety with immigration was for naught. i breezed through very friendly immigration officers both in the u.s. and canada. it was a good, uneventful trip.

it all seems so silly now. but it was so real then. even to the last minute, i was ready to just back out of it. but the ordeal again reminded me of how "little my faith is". that letting go and letting God is still so hard to do. and then again, i am reminded that i should. because He always prevails.

to the least of my brethren

2011-11-20T23:19:00.000+08:00

the gospel earlier was pretty clear. judgement day consists of very simple questions:

when He was hungry, did you feed him?
when He was thirsty, did you give him something to drink?
when He was a stranger, did you make him feel welcome?
when He was naked, did you give him clothes?
when He was sick, did you care for him?
when He was in prison, did you visit him?

an affirmative answer to each of the six merits a place in the kingdom.

so eh ano ang nangyari dun sa lahat ng mga guilt trip ko about sex, about dishonesty, ek ekc? why the hell do i even bother to 'not sin anymore' if im going to be judged on the basis of those acts of love and charity.

i mulled over this. why the emphasis on avoiding sin and all that if it wouldn't even be part of the examination at the end of days?

i'm thinking that maybe, it's not so much that all that 'righteousness' is useless but that inculcating all that 'righteousness' is fundamental to doing acts of love and charity. confused? allow me to expound.

sin deconstructed is simply selfishness, self-centeredness, ego-centricity. it is all about me, me and ah yes, me. pride is the root of all evil, didnt people say that?

the acts of love and charity asked of us is the complete opposite of all this selfishness. a person preoccupied with self cannot simply perform all those loving acts sincerely. there would just be too many selfish reasons (excuses) not to carry out all those loving acts.

following that 'righteous' path is like training in being less and less selfish. and because of that, we become more sensitive to the needs of people around us: food, clothing, shelter, friendship, care. so ultimately, we will be able to answer those questions in the affirmative.

i look at my own life and realize that i am so far from this. i'm still not doing enough. so i guess, i'm not ready for judgement day yet.

to those who want to reach out

2011-11-20T14:59:00.000+08:00

here is my email

closet_case07@yahoo.com.ph

love yourself cafe, musings

2011-11-19T23:50:00.002+08:00

just came from mgg's first-ever love yourself cafe talks. about 30 mgg readers came looking for people to connect with through meaningful discussion. migs called on the fabcasters to help facilitate the small group talk process. and i was just glad to help.

our group was one of the smallest, just 6 of us huddled in one corner. as facilitator, migs told us that our KPI was simple: 90% of the time, it should be the guests talking, rather than us. we could talk about anything and everything. and that i found quite disconcerting. it wasnt going to be easy to facilitate a discussion where people didn't know each other with no specific topic or issue at hand.

but somehow, we managed. and i got to know 4 other friends in one hour (pc joined me). all of them were single, but not all of them were searching. some of them seem to have found that sweet spot of singleness, without the bitterness or cynicism. we had two students, a professional, two teachers, two students, one in media, one in the culinary arts, an 18yo who was also the most comfortable with being gay and with being out.

we were in varying degrees of "outness", mostly to parents. but all felt comfortable with the status quo. there was a discussion on gay stereotypes - loud, flamboyant, promiscuous, irresponsible. and how some of us felt that need to be over-achieve and be responsible just to debunk such notions. i did like one comment that came out: isnt it that by "doing something about this stereotype, we are actually acknowledging the stereotype and giving it life and power?". we do not have to over-compensate to show the world that we are as normal and as responsible. we reinforce the stereotype everytime we react to it. love that challenging pov!

we promised to keep in touch and wrote our emails on the registry. i wish we would. though i know the probability would be quite low, given all of our busy lives. but i would like it if they did reach out to me, especially during those times that they would need someone to talk to, when it all gets lonely or confusing. though it was a very short period of spending time, perhaps we have planted seeds of friendship that could grow.

is it in my genes?

2011-11-17T21:11:00.000+08:00

my namesake lolo was such a womanizer. he just never seemed to tire of pussy. and pussy was always after him because he was one handsome man, with a killer smile, ever-charming, intelligent and accomplished.

his philandering ways drove my lola crazy. but what could she do? during those days, wives were just supposed to grin and bear it. my mom would tell me how they used to fight endlessly. and how she used to light black candles, praying for his death. or hers. creepy.

even until the time he was already 70+, lolo still surprised us by fathering a child with the household help. and she wasn't even pretty at all. she was quite slow (almost borderline retarded). but my lolo had his way with her anyway. story goes... he would lure her into sleeping with him with candies. (wtf. candies?)

growing up, that puzzled me. like i could understand my lolo falling for a sexy, beautiful, alluring temptress. and he would be so overcome with desire that he just couldn't help himself. but for someone who looked like that??? i bet she doesn't even know how to seduce properly!

then in my occasional readings, i came across the idea that it is really just power, and not even sex, that drives such behavior. men get off on that sense of being in this position of power, and sex was just a way of using. abusing that power. i still couldn't see how that could happen. how could a sexual act not be about sex?

but lately, it has dawned upon me where that is coming from...

it crossed my mind that i could actually have sex with a houseboy, a gardener or any guy under my employ not because i felt this strong sexual attraction or i am horny as hell. and it is coming from the feeling of being 'that powerful'. the idea of having this subordinate do this sexual act with me because of the power relationship between us is 'sexy' enough. and it has nothing to do with feeling horny or being so aroused with that person. it is simply about using that power i have over him to make him give me a blow job. yeah, ill enjoy the blowjob. but the real, twisted enjoyment happens in my head.

pretty twisted shit, right? but only now have i made sense of it.

cc on c3

2011-11-17T20:57:00.000+08:00

ang dami ko ng utang sa mga raiders. ipagpaumanhin. let me attempt to comment on the thoughtful comments on previous blogposts.

victim mode
@ethan h you are right. we both crossed the line. i allowed it to happen. i didnt think of the consequences.

with csw's
@rygel that's pretty unusual, prepaid sex. :-) but i guess it makes it feel less transactional

interview with a vamp
@august whatever happened to the report?
@anonymous i don't know about the growing old with wisdom part. i still make so many stupid mistakes.

midnight snack
@ortigaswanderer im just about to start s02. i really thought it was HBO. hihihi

shifting tastes
haha, my sexplicit post
@ronron sorry na
@closetjj LOL
@carlos keep it hard!
@victor nice!

wtf is happening to blogpress

2011-11-14T08:30:00.001+08:00

so frustrating. it was so easy with iPad1. now i can't seem to figure this out with IOS5.1 and iPad2

so let me try to post this rant.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

pinoy mad men

2011-11-12T09:27:00.001+08:00

spent time with the stalwarts of the pinoy ad industry. one long day with them.

some of them i knew from way back. proud to see that these people i started my corporate career with have done so well. some of them i was familiar with in college. they used to be part of this fag group who figured prominently in campus, with their noses up in the air. i found them snooty then. partly because of my own insecurities. but now i get to know some of them and they turn out to be nice and friendly. and very accomplished.

i viewed dozens and dozens of commercials yesterday. wonderful output of the best agencies. after seeing them, i started to see patterns.

realism in beautiful lighting - urban or rural setting, as real as it could get. more often in humble (read poverty level) environs. but captured in wonderful cinematography.

background music unplugged - to accompany the rich visuals, instrumentals without lush orchestration. typical just pluckings of guitar strings.

real people, less celebrification

the 30-second telenovela

this reflects the spirit of the times. the 'reality tv' mirror we indulge in. and of course, the 'indie film'. rather than be dazzled by aspirational themes, we are more reflective now. and that transcends geography and socio-economic classification.

some noteworthy materials that represent this came from meralco, nestle, safeguard, cinemalaya (siyempre)

network offline

2011-11-10T22:14:00.001+08:00

im going offline for a while. well, just the social networks. the timeline has become a distraction rather than a diversion.

what used to be a means for me to be updated on the life pf my friends' became a voyeuristic window to the lives of people i dont really know. not that there is anything wrong with that. but it has become unhealthy for me. stalker mode much!

well, im just giving myself a break, i suppose. let's see how long i can stay offline.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

treatment is prevention

2011-11-09T19:38:00.002+08:00

from the conference i attended, i picked up this development in the fight against HIV/AIDS. some quarters are pushing to increase the arv administration threshold of the cd4 count. HIV patients under arv treatment are lot less likely to engage in risky sexual behavior.

thursdays with cc: the hunger

2011-11-05T04:24:00.000+08:00

apologies to steve jobs fans out there, for my belated posthumous..err post.

Steve Jobs: Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

the value of this statement never rang more true to me than when i reflected about my teacher.

he has undoubtedly an amazing voice. he graduated at the conservatory with top honors. and hearing him sing would just sweep you off your feet.

but you won't catch him top-billing any opera, any concert, not anytime soon. why? because he is not hungry enough.

he sings for the love of it. wonderful. and he continues to study and perfect his craft. but he is not hungry for anything beyond that. not recognition. not wealth. he is perfectly happy the way he is right now. he is not pressured to take in more work, more students, because he literally does not need the money. so he just keeps on singing. and while he auditions for roles, or gets invited to some, he wouldn't be caught dead trying too hard to make it.

so that should be a good thing, right? to be content with what you have.

yes.

and no. steve jobs was right in wishing those stanford graduates to continue to be hungry. because hunger is the most powerful motivation to achieve excellence. 'blessed discontent' as i've blogged before.

my middle-class upbringing made me 'hungry'. made me keep on aspiring. and i still do. maybe not for the same things as before. but i still hunger, nevertheless.

i continue to challenge myself, to achieve better results at work, to reach for the higher note, to lose the additional flab. and lately, i hunger to do something that will really, truly achieve better health outcomes for all Filipinos, not just some.

hunger. it is a good thing.

110511 2148 Philippines?

2011-11-05T03:48:00.000+08:00

i joined tour groups today. two half-day tours. yeah, these are usually tourist traps. but if you want to get the sightseeing done and over with, without having to do much planning, this is your best bet.

i usually do this for new places i visit. most of the trips i do are business trips anyway.

i joined small groups today. morning tour around the city of cape town was with 9 other pax. afternoon tour to the winelands, we were just six. i was mostly with whites: germans, americans, english.

i'm usually identified as asian. and a lot of them assume that i am either chinese or japanese. (hey mr. wong or hey mr. lee - i guess that is the counterpart of us calling each white guy joe.)

though when i mention that i'm actually from the Philippines, there is usually recognition, awareness. but not 100%. my afternoon tour guide didn't know where the Philippines was exactly.

recurrent themes upon recognizing that you are from the Philippines:

i've met some really nice Filipinos. very friendly.

there are a lot of Filipinos in (names their city). usually they are nannies.

i was on this cruise ship. and most of the personnel were Filipinos. and when i played some latin music, whoa, all the Filipinos just started dancing. it was hilarious!

how's the weather there? i hear it's like raining so much.

oh wow. how is manny pacquiaouuuw? he's great.

and as i have mentioned before, traveling is one humbling experience. im just another asian roaming their city, a tourist.

103011 a long trip starts

2011-10-30T23:03:00.001+08:00

here at naia, the world's worst airport. the title is arguable. im sure a lot have been said and will be said about this. i bump into a guy i used to date. wow. he is looking great. he seemed genuinely happy to see me. he was the one who actually approached me. my behind looked familiar daw. lol nothing substantial happened between us. not even you know what. no sparks.

we are supposed to board by 11pm. but i still see the flight attendants at the boarding area. will we be late again?

i got here in 40 mins from my place. that gave me three hours leadtime to boarding. when i got here, a looong line was already formed at the counter! sheesh were they here 5 hours ahead? all the lining up eventually ate up more than an hour of waiting. oh well, i shouldnt't be complaining.

i prepared for this long flight (combined 16 hours ill be in the air) by downloading all the series i needed to catch up on: mad men, desperate housewives, spartacus. then the are the books i need to read. and the time magazines. now if only i could control my sleeping timeso i would have less jet lag in my final destination.

ill survive this.

encounters from the other side

2011-10-24T23:30:00.001+08:00

ñpc's phone rang. and as he answered it, i looked around for my sando and boxers. i knew i threw it around in wild abandon just minutes before. i found it and wore the boxers. i did some fixing of the bed as pc was still in conversation. i was waiting for him to finish.

and when he was done, i cuddled up to him again, still bare-chested. after a few moments, i got up to finish dressing up. and i couldn't find my sando anymore. i knew i just had it moments ago. i didn't even leave the room. yet we couldn't find it. it just disappeared! we searched the room, and even the bathroom. nada.

pc started to question my memory. maybe i didnt actually have any sando on. maybe i just thought i had one. but no, i couldn't have gotten that wrong. i knew i had one on before we started uhmm undressing.

it must be the dwende! there is no such thing, pc retorted. we are catholics and we don't believe in those things. i just giggled.

because i actually believe in dwendes dwelling in the house!

this property is old. the house before this new one has been up since the 40's (pre-war). and until we demolished it two years ago, it was the same old house. my lolo got the property back when san juan was known as san juan del monte, because of the hilly terrain. and it was still the area for expansion.

out in front, by the street, we had two trees: chesa and caimito. and we would often hear stories of passersby on the street who would see the proverbial white lady and even a tikbalang. of course that scared the shit out of us kids. but the most mentioned creatures mentioned by those with the 'third eye' are the dwendes the reside in the property.

we would periodically lose certain things. and they would just re-appear from nowhere days after. (so that sando disappearance was not uncommon). and we would rule out petty theft because the stuff we would lose are so mundane and ordinary. comb. shirt. book. it is almost like they just playing games with us.

but of course, all this was just conjecture and story-telling.

the closest we ever got to some kind of confirmation was the appearance of tiny footprints on the hood of my then-brand new red corolla. one particular morning, our household help noticed one set of footprints, measuring about just 4" in length, traversing the hood of the car, on the windshield and on the top. it was amazing! it really looked like little feet, with no shoes. the toes were even visible. unfortunately, we weren't able to capture it on film (di pa uso digital nun)

before we demolished the house, we consulted an espiritista, a person who could see the creatures and could perform rituals to either appease them or ward them off. upon setting foot in the old house, he immediately told us of the presence of so many dwendes, families even. and unfortunately, some of them were the mischievous type (the black ones). we paid him to do the rituals designed to tell them to move residence since we were about to demolish this one. it took a few days of rituals (which we never witnessed but we trusted anyway). then he told us that he has placed a protective covering over the house. and he even dared us to ask any friend with a third eye to visit the place to declare it free of the spirits.

anyway, it has been two years since, and aside from my disappearing sando, there have been no stories about our inhabitants.

are they back? ninuninuninuninu (twilight zone music)

they got it backwards

2011-10-24T22:08:00.001+08:00

usually, you'd have a bunch of actors introduced in one movie. that movie becomes one big hit and spins off several franchises. the actors break up into their solo movies.

what i just LOVE about the avengers is how they did that formula backwards. iron man, thor, captain america (and to lesser extent, hulk) have had successful solo movies! and they have built up a following. so multiply that by the number of those superheroes! astounding!

i haven't been this excited over an action movie! and it is simply because it is an ensemble of superheroes! now if they could only fold in those dc superheroes! LOL

cc archives: Doo wah doo wah… the boy from new york city March 27, 2007

2011-10-24T16:51:00.001+08:00

that's an 80's tune by the Manhattan Transfer! i'm starting my trip down memory lane with this boy (actually gel siya) from new york. i still get kilig reminiscing how we met...

picture this... one warm afternoon during the holidays... i decided to do some work and some surfing in one of the cafes along Morato. i brought my ehem new macbook ehem to the place and started surfing (free wifi raw). i had difficulty trying to access the network using the mac o/s. so i switched to windows and i had no problem.

in comes a really, really good looking chap, in jeans, knitted short-sleeve shirt with collar, rubber shoes. he looked so neat and mabango! and really good looking (did i mention that na?). sat near my table on the ground floor of the coffee shop. took out his mac and started working. i thought this would be my lucky day. it was just him and me there. KASO, he changed his mind and went to the 2nd floor. hmmp. tough luck.

after a few minutes, came down stairs looking at me. and asked me how i was able to connect. asus, i was getting tongue tied trying to explain how. he came closer to figure out what i was doing. mabango nga! eventually sat down beside me, tried to do some hammering on the keys... to no avail. he thanked me and went back up. INIS. i forgot to mention that he had a nice American accent, tunay po.

managed to forget about him and work for an hour where i was. after i was done, i packed my things and went to the 2nd floor to use the rest rooms. okay, okay, i really didnt HAVE to use the rest rooms BUT i felt i wanted to check up on him (the good neighbor that i am).

and he looked at me as I was coming up the stairs. I smiled and asked him whether he was able to connect. and he smiled and said he was fine. thanked me for asking. i went to the loo, came out and he was still there, typing away. across him was the water jug. i drank so many glasses, trying to see if i could muster enough courage to talk to him. i caught him looking at me from time to time. And finally, he opened up the conversation. HAY SALAMAT. i must have looked like i was already drowning he had to save me.

sat beside him and did some chit-chat. he's pinoy but based in new york, having been in the U.S. since he was 10. he was vacationing here because his sister got married recently. he was working out where i was working out. and that was where he was going after.

he asked me how far my place was... twice. and when i told him it was like 10mins away, he suggested that we go to my place. just like that. so upfront! so exciting!

brought him to my place and yes, got to know him in the biblical sense. that was so great! he looked great (did i mention that previously?) , he had a great fit body and wore no underwear (hihihi). he was intelligent and successful in new york (i confirmed that eventually).

felt like i was in a romantic movie, my version of 'falling in love' (meryl and robert de niro). for them it was a book store, mine was a coffee shop with the technological accessories!

we saw each other one more time before he left for the U.S. told me i could always stay with him in NY. we managed to exchange a few emails but lately, almost no communication.

which may be better in the long run because this one is JOWA material. and Lord knows i don't need one right now...

The Prude Fabcast I

2011-10-22T09:35:00.002+08:00

here we are again. making life miserable for a newbie peanut gallery member. LOL. one of pinoy gay life's ultimate challenges must be to survive a fabcast!

iamtofuboy is a first-time guest. his peculiar ahmmm dilemma caught our attention when he first expressed it at miggs, gibbs, vonn joint birthday celebration. he declared himself a prude. unfortunately, none of us had much alcohol in our brains then to make a mountain out of the molehill of a statement. but it was perfect fodder for the fabcasters.

so we reassemble in the chateau de cc, uhm, wait, i'd rather that it be known as cc salon, reminiscent of a grand time when salon meant...

,,,a gathering of people under the roof of an inspiring host, held partly to amuse one another and partly to refine taste and increase their knowledge of the participants through conversation. These gatherings often consciously followed Horace's definition of the aims of poetry, "either to please or to educate" ("aut delectare aut prodesse est"). Salons, commonly associated with French literary and philosophical movements of the 17th century and 18th centuries, were carried on until quite recently, in urban settings, among like-minded people. Wikipedia

anyway, so we are back in my place to discuss his particular issue. dissect, analyze, make fun of, criticize. all in the spirit of mean girls. LOL. kidding. all in the spirit of healthy discussion, as salons are supposed to be...

Download this fabcast (right click and save)

PART ONE
Music credits:
“Ooh La La” by The Wiseguys
“Like A Virgin (Live)” by Madonna
“Sho Nuff” by Fatboy Slim
“Why’s It So Hard” by Madonna

this could have been my post...

2011-10-20T22:58:00.003+08:00

... had i been blogging at the age of aleph. with such self-awareness and honesty, aleph reveals some of his issues, which ill call 'middle-class syndrome'. and i could hear myself whining the same way then.

the pre-occupation with having my own car drove me (pun intended) to make the career choices i did. i also knew early on in my career that if i wanted to have a car pronto, it would be in an industry that gave employees vehicles as part of the job. i cannot wait for the time i could afford my own car. so choosing the industry, the company was fairly easy. so i worked my butt off to deserve that car, to rise up the ranks.

so i eventually got a car, different cars, even. and beyond that, i have my own cars now. and all the trappings that comes with my current position. yes, self-made. yes, comfortable now. far removed from the time i was just like you, aleph, doing exactly the same things you are doing - penny-pinching, lugging my bag and my baon around, saving up for special occasions, and tutoring those that we secretly envy.

i didnt have 'class issues' with my exes then. i pretty much dated within my social circle. (oops. i recall dating someone from a well-to-do family. but that didn't last long enough for issues to come out)

but guess what, aleph, after all i've been through, with all the comfort around, i still have those pangs of insecurity. why? because no amount of money will ever be enough to keep up with the Joneses. i will always be middle class. and when i find myself comparing what i have with others beyond me, it hits me again. there will always be so much more material things beyond my capacity to afford. so it's all in the head, kid.

and speaking of boyfriends and class differences, im with someone right now who is not just much younger than me, but also comes from a higher social class than me. the differences may not manifest in financial terms now. but they remain there. so if i let my stupid insecurities eat me up,we'll end up with much argument.

your self-awareness is already a major step. i wish i was as aware then when i was your age. if your boyfriend is not yet aware of it, it may help to talk about it, and recognize it as your issue that you are working on. and that some patience from his side will be required as you sort it out. (as if you were asking for advice!)

mega-relate lang ko sa post ni aleph. thanks, kid.

presenting... The Homosexuals

2011-10-19T22:29:00.001+08:00

i would have wanted to live in the 60's, as i mentioned previously. with the fashion i so admire. but this is one reason i am happy where i am. this cbs documentary was produced in 1967, just about the time little cc was sucking... on his milk bottle. i got wind of the video from manhunt daily, my only source of porn these days. (just stills, no video)

you will find it rather long. i lasted for only 15 minutes. but that is enough for me to realize...

... how recent the attitudes have been so negative an unenlightened (meaning in my lifetime)

... how awful it may have been to be homosexual then and be labeled as deviant or sick

... how courageous our elders must have been to continue living the lifestyle despite such prejudice

... how lucky i was as an adult in the 80's

... and how much luckier you all are for being an adult now.

so much to be thankful for!

my entitlement issues

2011-10-17T08:58:00.001+08:00

this post was supposed to start this way "how do i stop resenting guards of entrances to public places when they check my belongings?"

when i enter these places, im mentally prepared to show my displeasure to this guard as he/she waves the wand (is it a hi-tech detector?) and uses it to probe into my bag. this is on top of my disdain for queues and lines in the first plane.

knowing that they are just doing their job doesn't help. im still irate as i pass him or her. then i have all these awfully mean thoughts: alam mo ba kung magkano yan? and im not proud of that.

then i realize im just manifesting my sorry attitude of entitlement. im feeling that my status and my position entitle me to be treated differently from everbody else. i expect that they should have judged from my appearance that i am unlike everybody else.

this is my aha moment. how stupid of me to even think that i am actually different from everybody else just because of these trappings. i actually have begun to expect special treatment.

when i travel, i dont feel special and do not expect to be treated that way. worse is i sometimes feel even inferior. hence, i obey and comply. i fall in line, i let them frisk me just like everyone else.

mamang or ate guard does not deserve my sneering. he/she is doing her job by not treating anybody else specially.

now let's see how i put this paradigm shift into practice.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

terminally 3

2011-10-14T08:53:00.001+08:00

despite previous pronouncements that i will never ride cebupac again, i find myself for the third time in this terminal. my luggage took a different plane from mine the first time i rode cebupac. so i wasnt thrilled at all to find myself here again. but with all that hoopla over pal labor unrest, i have no other choice.

the terminal could have been fine really. with a bit of glamming up, it could have been enough for foreign visitors to be satisfied, not to be impressed, though. but because it now belongs to budget airlines, i see...

... 70% in flipflops, beachwear

... fun but noisy barkadas all around (ang saya saya!)

... koreans

... all kinds of handcarry bags (sm, sando plastics, manila envelopes)

... buses that load passengers tothe aircraft

things ive started to look forward to

. illy coffee & their uber-nice packaging of mineral water

. cute hunky guys in tank tops

. nice shops of everything

. that guard at the baggage xray check with glasses and biceps

one major complaint: they have got to improve the audio for announcements. i could barely hear boarding announcements.

hair talk

2011-10-12T08:40:00.001+08:00

short one: ive noticed how much softer and supple my hair is now. i dont even use any hair wax or creme anymore. yet im able to fix it well. the waviness has even started to straighten out, the way it was when i was really young.

reason. ive made shampooing less frequent, at about 2x a week only. i used to do it 2x a day. but then i read articles from hair experts about how the practice robs the hair of moisture and oil. and i reasoned that since im always on air conditioned areas anyway, not as exposed to grime and dust as before, then it should be in need of cleaning as often. i used hair wax everyday too which makes matters ahmm.. complicated. the wax attracts and traps dust and dirt. hence the need for frequent shampooing.

anyway, im quite happy with the feel and smell of my hair. unless told otherwise. :-)

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

shifting tastes

2011-10-09T09:16:00.003+08:00

i knew i was gay when i desperately wanted to suck cock. must have been high school when i truly became uber-conscious of the cock. compelled even.

giving head was the ultimate for me. to be able to feel the stiffness, the silkiness inside my mouth. to taste the veins of an engorged penis. to let my tongue play with the head, the helmet. and consequently, i developed preference for size and even for color, the pinkish hue of caucasian dick, due to availability of white porn.

and as i became sexually active, i was finally able to indulge in the delights of giving head. and i also began to enjoy receiving it as much. 69 became a favorite number. the sensation from both ends was just exquisite. and even as i have tried the top and bottom of it, oral sex was still tops for me. (huh?)

being able to see cock became a preoccupation for me. the side glances at urinals. the locker rooms and wet floors. even the outline on a tight-fitting pair of jeans was enough to send my pulse racing. i could and would imagine how it would feel to go down on some particularly nice piece of meat.

lately, i noticed that the pull of cock is less on me. id still look, if given the opportunity, if it is worth a glance. but that oral compulsion has died down considerably. what i do notice though, is that i have been looking at butts more often. my eyes are just drawn immediately to nice big mounds of assflesh. which is unusual for somone who is not into anal sex, much. it is just such a big turn on to see and feel a smooth bubble butt.

my sexual fantasies have shifted. i actually dont have as much. but when i do, it will be about receiving good head. i can't help but remember the times i had a great blowjob. it is not so much the actual skill of blowing but the circumstances that just leave me so horny. some of them happened in good old fitness steam rooms and saunas. there was this is one guy rabbed my cock from underneath my towel, as i was seated on the 2nd level bench. and as he tstroked me to full erection, he gently started sucking. with eyes closed. enjoying my meat. another time was at the sauna of a spa. he knelt down in front of me and refused to let go of my dick even as i was about to come. he swallowed each and every drop. (im getting a hard on just writing about it.)

so that's where my interests lie these days. i wonder where they would be in a few months or years.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

the random guy (wish i could take your picture)

2011-10-08T08:16:00.001+08:00

you dont know it. but you brighten my day.

you in your disheveled hair from jeepney to jeepney. backpack or supot.

you are oblivious to me. you and your chest. and biceps. and ass so tight.

or your early-morning pressed button down shirt. you walk head held high. mindful of the cars and the tricycles. your SM necktie hanging loosely. too hot in the morning.

what else is on your mind? is it the report due today? or your sales quota? or is your girfriend giving you the cold shoulder, despite the three texts you sent "sori na me". i dont know

but i do know you are not thinking of me. or everybody else whose necks have followed you as you crossed the street. we are faceless. and random to you.

and you would have been, too, to me. had it not been for that way you unselfconsciously grabbed that handrail and gotten off that jeep. had it not been for the dimple. or that patrician nose. or those gorgeous eyes looking away.

random guy, i wish i could take that picture of you. to remind me of this feeling. from my groin up.

oddly enough. you are forever etched in my mind. filed under that time and place i saw you.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

midnight snack

2011-10-02T00:34:00.001+08:00

1200mn. pc preparing to leave. but before i take him home, we will have our midnight snack of durian. amazing the way the fruit keeps in the freezer for days. amazing, too, that pc and i adore this fruit, disliked by so many. it is absolutely delicious. addicting, even. this is one fruit i actually crave for. cheers to the pleasures of durian!

finally got around to buying this new keyboard dock for my galaxy tab 10.1 so i am happily blogging away. and that also means i will officially sell my ipad1 on sulit.com.

that site has helped me sell my old canon powershot g4. and helped me get a good deal on my lumix. again, pc's influence on me. he regularly trades on the site and swears by its usefulness. galeng-galeng!

in between mad men, we are watching spartacus, blood & sand, s01. it really should be blood & cock. i thought game of thrones had much frontal nudity. that pales in comparison with the male nudity im seeing here. a very good reason to watch the show. uber-hot bodies in various stages of undress. gladiators on show. still couldnt believe hbo would actually produce something like this!

i got wasted last night at a send-off party. sheesh. it was typical fabcasters party: soju everywhere. much landian. much puking after, right @mcvie? LOL had mega-fun, something we had not done in a long time. i initially resisted joining in the karaoke singing. but i gave in eventually. and lost my voice in the process. LOL. my voice teacher will scold me for putting my voice box in jeopardy.

the fabcasters+ (plus for the peanut gallery). when i joined them years back, i never thought it would evolve to become a community. and that is what it is. a community of like-minded people. a very natural evolution for a social group. we have seen it grow and accommodate more and more people. but as new faces continue to grace the fabcasts, we have also seen faces disappear back into their lives. i miss them at times. i wonder what happened to them, what they are doing now. they were once a part of this.

yes, these are just random thoughts at midnight.

thursdays with cc: interview with a vamp

2011-09-29T22:39:00.003+08:00

the vamp is me. lol

a tweeter friend recently asked to interview me for his psych class. my understanding: interview a middle-aged person supposedly in the psychosocial stage of generativity vs stagnation:

at first i didnt know if i should be flattered, as i remembered this stage to be for senior citizens. but as shown above, it starts from age 25. so even pc is already in this stage. hehe

Stage 7: Generativity vs Stagnation 25-64

-if you have a strong sense of creativity, success, and of having "made a mark" you develop generativity, and are concerned with the next generation; the virtue is called care, and represents connection to generations to come, and a love given without expectations of a specific return

-adults that do not feel this develop a sense of stagnation, are self-absorbed, feel little connection to others, and generally offer little to society; too much stagnation can lead to rejectivity and a failure to feel any sense of meaning (the unresolved mid-life crises), and too much generativity leads to overextension (someone who has no time for themselves because they are so busy)

reference: http://www.psychpage.com/learning/library/person/erikson.html

the interview was comprehensive: physical, emotional changes ive undergone. my childhood as context. my perceptions of aging. i was very spontaneous, answering off the cuff as he fired away his questions. but now that im here at home, ive had the chance to ponder on some questions and thought of expanding, or clarifying my answers. so here are my shamcey supsup answers.

was there a time you wanted to go back to your youth?

i initially answered no. i dont recall wishing i was back in an earlier time of my life. and i still believe that. life just keeps on getting better, despite some obvious limitations that age presents. physically, the crows feet around my eyes are noticeable. and i cannot lift the same weights as i used to. which means i cannot increase my muscle mass anymore. but im at my leanest form in my adult life, ever. and i still feel attractive. actually, maybe even more attractive. so i dont look at the mirror now and wish i had a younger face or body. i just keep on accomplishing more and more. i continue to be challenged. and i want to deliver every time. and i can never trade the wisdom i have gained through all these years for youthful exuberance.

any advice to young people about aging?

don't fear it. embrace it as a part of yourself. even as you glory in your youth, know that everything changes. and to hang on to such things will only bring despair. i've never lied about my age. maybe because i feel accomplished. but also because i really value wisdom. this was the only thing i asked for from Him, as i took on bigger responsibilities in my career. i asked for wisdom to manage my company and my own affairs right. and i know that only growing up and growing old would bring me that.

i hold senior citizen's in high regard because of this. years of living have taught them valuable lessons books can never impart. you can be an intelligent, learned youth but wisdom will come with age.

how are you expressing your 'generativity'? how are you 'taking care' or 'looking out for the next generation'?

it definitely didn't happen that i consciously planned to be mindful of the next generation. i believe that opportunities arise with improving financial standing. and it always starts with family. my definition of family also started to expand to include people under my direct employ. the idea of giving, of taking care of these people just happened. and honestly, i dont feel i should even be applauded. it really is just part of the job.

be open to opportunities be generous and giving. know that when they do arise, you will be ready, even if you think you are not. wasn't it the widow in the temple who have from the little that she had but was more justified? im so far from that ideal.

and it's not all about money. time and effort, they mean a lot to people to. i was touched when interviewer mentioned that blogging and fabcasting constitute other ways i 'care' for the next generation. i guess these are. and again, i am not to be congratulated. im just doing my job. and you will, too, when the time comes.

thank you, interviewer/tweeter friend, for the opportunity to share. i learned as much from this as, even perhaps more, than you.

mad men marathon

2011-09-29T21:54:00.003+08:00

the advertising industry is very close to my heart. i started my career in the corporate world in advertising. that was fun but stressful. i was at the bottom of the food chain as an hapless advertising account executive. dakilang utusan ng kliyente. and terrorized by everyone, including (or especially) creative people! LOL but i was proud as an account executive. i started honing my relationship-building skills while attending to the needs of demanding clients. by doing a.e. work, i got my o.j.t. in marketing. and the best part was when my most demanding client, the big big boss of marketing of the bank even sent me a cake with a note of thanks for 'taking care of the account'. i posted that on the bulletin board!

i just finished season 1 of mad men. and im thinking, what took me four seasons to start watching the series? true confession: i thought initially it was some tv adaptation of mad max (stupid, right? lol) then of course, i went through a phase of hardly watching any series. and when i finally came around to watching again (primarily due to pc's influence), i prioritized other series like glee, desperate housewives, modern family. lately, its been game of thrones, walking dead. pc actually downloaded mad men previously and we set out to watch the pilot episode. but we got carried away with other things. *wink*

so after another series of awards for the show (and my fascination with 60's fashion), i finally decided to watch the darn series. and i must say, im hooked now. im appreciating each and every nuance of the well-produced episodes. the story did get a little incredulous with its twists, but hey, they needed to inject a character plot somewhere, right?

as always, the production values just astound me. the attention to detail to recreate 60's america. and im noticing the suits of uber-dilf donald draper. what a classic profile this guy has. yan ang gwapo!

*wipes drool* i wish i had that savvy. and that hairline. too bad i can never wear my hair that way. too thick and wavy. lol.

i love the way the series looks transitional. america was changing during that period. and what better way to show the evolution than through the eyes of advertising!

im done with season 1, in just three days (made use of travelling time during seoul trip to watch). i hope i could finish seasons 2 & 3 soon.

face to face with csw's

2011-09-24T12:29:00.001+08:00

commercial sex workers or csw's - the term i use in class when i discuss the case on hiv/aids. it sounds so clinical and sanitized.

im no stranger to them. ive been a patron. but during this fabcast, a frank discussion with two of them still has me uneasy. i guess it's context. my talks with csw's have been in the context of before or after services rendered. so there is that private, even intimate moment between him and me. and there is, i perceive, gut-level communication.

discussing at an analytical level commercial sex work, in a round table discussion is an altogether different ballgame! even as i admire their courage to speak about their work (esp boy shiatsu), i was actually uncomfortable for them during the fabcast.

there was a raw moment. and it served to reinforce my discomfort over this. but just as quickly, the fabcasters and peanut gallery pick up with wit and humor!

so listen in. it may be an eye opener for some. (it even was for me)

at the very least, enjoy the banter!

Music credits:

"Left To My Own Devices" by the Pet Shop Boys
"The Sodom And Gomorrah Show" by the Pet Shop Boys
"Suffer The Children" by Tears For Fears

Download this fabcast (right click and save)

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

victim mode?

2011-09-24T08:51:00.002+08:00

it just dawned on me that ive been harrassed a couple of times in my life. but i'm not too sure if harrass is the right word. to be more accurate, people had wanted to have sex with me against my will.

first was my professor in Spanish. (i know ive posted this before. but bear with me for telling the story again). this was when i didnt feelparticularly attractive. awkward years, kung baga. and this famously swishy professor was noted for his predilection for the gorgeous and hunky college studs. so i was not, in anyway, thinking id even be remotely his type. besides, my gameplan was to be a fag friend to him, to get me on his good side and get that 1.0 everybody seemed to get so easily in his class.

so it came as a swurprise to me when he was forcing me to have sex with him one afternoon during finals week. we were literally in a struggle as he tried to open my zipper and get me to lie down on his couch. siguro sobrang katigangan niya nun. i narrowly escaped, made for the door and dashed out to the corridors of the faculty center. he gave me an incomplete. a wonderful way of saying that ill soon be back in his room for consumation!

the next incident happened in davao. i was checked in at this hotel. and in the hotel corridor, i passed this guy also giving me the eye. it was the classic pick up dance. i got a room to room call in minutes, and in my room after a few more. i suddenly had a change of heart and wasnt interested in sex anymore. (a pang of guilt since i was still in a relationship then) so i tried to weasel my way out of it. but i guess the guy was so worked up. he pushed me to the wall, and just pulled my boxers down to start giving me head. i was pulling him up even as his mouth was desperately getting me hard. i managed to yank him off me. and only then did he get the hint. he left the room immediately.

another time this happened was with this client. i found him ruggedly attractive, dark-skinned witn a nice build. and i was sensing that he swung both ways, though he has wife, mistress, and kids all over. excess libido? we went out, which is customary for my industry. did some drinking. then he told me that it was too late for him to go home and wanted to crash in my pad for the night. well, i had a sofabed outside as an extra so i brought him home. as i made him feel comfortable on the sofabed, i went to the room to sleep. but he came into my room anyway. and tried to kiss me on my lips and on my neck. i pushed him away. i told him i couldn't because he was a client. rejected, he went back to the sofabed. he didnt talk to me much the morning after.

then there was this pwart time therapist referred to me by my friend. he had given me home massage services a couple of times, with absolutely no extras. but i also noted how his hand would delicately avoid my crotch. i knew he was gay though he didnt look it. and i was sensing his attraction to me with the way he remark about my body or my smile or my eyes. during one session, as i was lying on my back with my eyes closed, i felt him on top of me and starting to lick my nipples. i actually allowed him to linger since it felt good. but when he swallowed my dick, i pulled him up, awakened to reality. he was startled by my reaction and immediately got off me. he apologized profusely and left abruptly.

i dont feel victimized. i just know i didnt want to have sex with them. im wondering if they actually thought i wanted sex (except for davao guy). did i lead them on? id like to think i didnt. but im guessing i have this vibe that tells them i wont say no. my friend tells me i have this helpless look, especially when people just grab my chest. i allow them to. im thinking that they are just admiring (or checking for silicone) and no harm can come of it. maybe there is some harm somewhere, especially if the person turns out to be aggressive.

acceptable exhibitionism

2011-09-20T08:25:00.007+08:00

fellowfab lobster tony is one of the blessed ones. he always get front row access to the gayest parteh in town (disguising as ladies' night), the Cosmo Bash. and being such a nice fellowfab, he shared his abs-in-your-face experience with us mere mortals by posting these lovely, lovely videos. check out his site for more.

yes, the videos sent me salivating. and again, becoming envious of such mahvelous physique on display.

display is what they did. you could see how each and every one of those cosmo bachelors worked the crowd. and were being worked by the crowd. they were clearly in da zone when it comes to performance! im imagining that for some of these straight guys, there must have been some hesitation to disrobe. but showbusiness attracts the exhibitionists. those who ultimately marched down that ramp must have been turned on with the adulation.

so as i watch the video, a thought pops in my head: they are like 'circus animals', trained to entertain and wow the audience. and the ooohs and ahhhs, the screams, the hoots all serve to reinforce the exhibitionistic tendencies.

and i thought to myself that that is not different from all the fb profiles with torso pics, and their 4000+ fb friends. posting a sexy shot out there and getting such nice compliments and comments really feels goooood.

and i finally i realized, im no different from them either. :-(

an excuse to show hot gay sex?

2011-09-18T23:28:00.004+08:00

the movie, the brother V the reunion, is.

i dont even know how i got hold of this dvd. i uploaded it to my ipad last year and never got around to finishing it. until my last flight. and i was SHOCKED to see so much homoerotica! and the HOT lead stars were the ones getting it on! i suddenly had to cover my ipad as i watched! (nahiya ako sa katabi ko!)

but see for yourself. im sure you'd have thought twice if that was a sean cody film you accidentally loaded!

people you may know in fb

2011-09-18T23:25:00.002+08:00

ive tried to turn this feature off. because it is simply so distracting.

if you can't beat 'em... i end up stalking them. lol. all these photos came from fb profiles suggested to me. torso shots all over. if somehow you see you pic here, hey, you've caught my attention. and you might like to rethink your privacy settings. it was so easy to pick these pics up for uploading.

bakit mo ako ginawang bakla

2011-09-18T11:21:00.002+08:00

in this advanced age of mine, i have come to accept and embrace my homosexuality, my sexual and romantic attraction towards men.

a young friend was unwittingly brought out of the family closet by his parents. and though he is a very strong, resolute young man, you could see the pain in his eyes as he recalled the confrontation. i know that there is fear of an uncertain future where his family is concerned.

i feel for him deeply.

i recall my own crisis. i recall how i questioned His will. how, on earth could He have made me this way, if only to suffer? why would He choose this life for me? this abominable lust for other men! why couldn't He have made me straight? Yes, i couldn't help but blame Him for being gay. I would never have chosen this, knowing the ostracism, the anguish, the possible shutout by my family, society, by the church.

that was how i used to think.

until i found myself accepted by my family, loved by my friends. more so now, i know that this is not a curse. im gay. and it's a blessing. i don't know how i could have accomplished all that i had in my education, in my career if i were straight. i know some eyebrows remain raised by this lifestyle choice of mine. but i exist not for them. but for those whom i love and serve.

i am reminded of just how wise He is by today's readings. and how puny our little minds work:

for my thoughts are not your thoughts... as high as the heavens are above the earth, so high are ... my thoughts above your thoughts...

with my infantile logic and reason then, i was so ready to declare war on Him! i was so angry because i couldn't figure out why he made me gay.

i look back at all of it now and i am humbled. i couldn't have known what He had planned for me. and how it all makes sense, with an elegant wisdom only He possesses.

i always find comfort in His words. what my head could not figure out, my faith resolves for me.

i just have to trust Him. believe in Him. have faith in Him.

c on c 2

2011-09-17T09:46:00.001+08:00

wow. its so nice to read comments from raiders i havent heard from in a while.

rudeboy. which is why need feedback to validate our self-perceptions. but even in the face of honest feedback, we can delude ourselves into thinking otherwise. but accdg to anthony de mello, sj - waking up happens in an instant. but opening one's eyes can take a lifetime. so i guess im really taking long to open my eyes. :-) who is the girl staring back at me... :-)

ronron. go for it. go for buff. give it everything you got. yesterday at the bar here in cebu, my friend's ex showed me his bare torso pics. Darn! hot. i rationalize - he is only 32yo. and can still achieve it. bitter much. hehe

mac callister. yup. lahat naman tatanda. may mauuna lang kaysa iba. LOL

lobster. haha. no apologies needed! you were reacting to my emo post on the slow progress of my workouts. bitchesa much. hahaha. you have amassed yourself quite a headful of feathers, then!

d. love it the way you are catching up. you are making me reminisce about the recent past - moony and enigma. moony still cuts my hair. and remains sweet. enigma, i just get updates through fb. i think there's still some nega vibes there. :-(

ginn. the buffet is still available! indulge!

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slow awakening

2011-09-16T17:11:00.001+08:00

my personal trainer was whispering to me during our last workout: boss, ang daming nagtatanong kung ilan taon ka na raw. ganda raw ng katawan mo. sabi nila, gusto nila pag kasing edad ka na nila, ganyan rin daw ang katawan nila. pak!

so im kinda feeling insulted rather then complimented, as his intention was. and its not as if im denying my age. i dont bother to hide that. but i always thought that i didnt look the part. that i was probably looking much younger.

and that self-perception (delusion?) runs much deeper. i contrast myself with fellowfab & age-range mcvie who recently posted something about age and accepting himself and his body as it is. there is some resignation, perhaps, in the tone. but it is really more of acceptance and even joy in the realization.

even a cousin of mine feels the same way. a few years older than me, we used to be both concerned about weight and flab. and he would miraculously transform his body thru sheer discipline. last may, i saw him and he has gotten back to his 'fuller' self. and it's the same thing, same attitude. he'd rather enjoy life and food. and just eat healthily. besides, he reasons, being thin at our age makes our faces sag.

at this point, i dont feel the same way as they do. i still workout. i still diet. i still muster the discipline. because i still can. it's just so much part of my system. however, on the other side, i still that have that attitude that i am at the same level as guys a decade or more younger than me. feeling ko, kaya ko pang makipagsabayan sa kanila. weird no?

slowly, however, i think i'm waking up to the reality. i cannot bring back the bench presses and squats and deadlift weights i used to carry. trying brings me injury, ive realized. even at my best 17% bodyfat, i had the flat tire around my midsection. even as the veins of my arms, chest, the striations on my muscles are already coming out. fellowfab tony tells me that surgical intervention is required at my age.

or just self-acceptance. that this is as good as it gets. and that maybe, it aint so bad.

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the galaxy tablet 10.1

2011-09-15T23:45:00.001+08:00

im missing my tablet. yes, it's at the service center. pc saw this 'oil slick' looking stain on the surface, below it actually. and it seems like there's a batch of the tablets that had the same problem. since it is still under warranty, pc brought it to the service center for repair (he didn't want a replacement. he was thinking that they might get from the same defective batch).

it isn't so noticeable, actually. but for oc-oc pc, nothing is unnoticeable. it's so cute the way he obsesses over these things. his gadgets have to be perfect. and he is making sure mine are, too.

i hesitated writing it, fearing the 'i-told-you-so's' that i'd be getting for switching over to the 'other side'. but honestly, i would have lived with that oil slick. i didnt notice it until it was pointed out to me. and when im using it, it is virtually invisible. so for me, the tablet is still a good buy.

why?
1. it's really fast. downloads of web pages are amazing. the best part is watching youtube. i had to wait forever for youtube videos to play on the ipad. not here.
2. i have no video streaming problems (through flash. though flash and apple seemed to have patched up their differences?)
3. i love that it has a usb attachment accessory. i have effortlessly transferred movies from usb to the tablet.
4. and speaking of movies, it will play almost all types. mpg. avi. div-x. whatever alphabet. lol. whenever i watched movies on the ipad, i had to search for the mp4 version, or have it converted. what a hassle.
5. i can download torrent files directly. YES. directly. imagine the convenience of that. and since it isnt picky about movie file types, i can instantly play what i downloaded.
6. i love the accessory that allows me to attach an hdmi cable to it. voila, i can surf, email, chat using my LED 42" screen. from 10.1" to 42" amazing.
7. i can control my samsung devices (tv & bluray) from the tablet, like a remote, even without the cable. with a wifi connection (and a dongle on the tv), im instantly connected.
8. there seems to be more free apps here integrating social networks (fb, tweeter, foursquare all in one interface)
9. the complete browser experience allows me to easily, very easily upload pics, change my profile pic unlike the ipad. (which is the reason why i havent changed my fb profile pic in a while!)

downside
1. the touchscreen keyboard is less responsive.
2. the task bar on the bottom of the screen, below the spacebar of the keyboard is annoying. i touch it sometimes unwittingly.
3. few apps have been made. the android app store doesnt distinguish between honeycomb & gingerbread (or using mac lingo, no separation of ipad & iphone apps).

but benefits do outweigh the downside. because my use of a tablet is primarily for surfing and social media. im not an apps kind of guy. i dont even play angry birds, for crying out loud. so no big loss for me if apps are limited.

samsung service center said that it was ready for pick-up. i hope they fixed it well. so i can enjoy all the benefits. finally.

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c on c: cc's comments on comments

2011-09-15T09:49:00.001+08:00

im not able to comment on your very nice comments because of time limitations and, more importantly, limitations of the iPad app i use. the app focuses on posts, not on writing and moderating comments. henceforth, i will react, reply, respond to your comments as a post. smart, no? hihihi

new reader D. thanks for enjoying the blog! and recommending! and back-reading, too! that's four years of crazy posts you'll need to catch up on. haha. its comforting to know you like DILFs. comforting, daw oh? haha (feeling DILF ako! yikes) hope to hear from you more! and about the career shift. im guessing you are young still. follow your heart. and if you are not so afraid to start from the bottom (since you feel your current skills are not matched), id say go for it. when you love what you do, the pay will follow!

jphotmess. ill keep on coming. Lol. that didnt come out right. i truly love that song of lola karen (sumalangit nawa). kurot sa puso, i call it.

ronronturon. what a cute handle! my archives stories are old stuff, ha? im just reposting because i actually deleted them before. so no feelings developing at all! lol postscript. i never heard from him since he left that job where i used to see him. and im better off that way! and send love to your brother. one can never tire of saying i love you.

the greenbeaker. the relationships with our siblings will mature as we mature ourselves. we will look back at all the bickerings and arguments and laugh at how trivial and petty we were before. and about that torso pic, you got me looking for a recent pic of a bare-chested cc. Lol.

pepe. do share your story. thanks for that sweet comment. :-) and you will be the sweet, caring uncle to your pamangkins. i feel guilty im not always there for them. hope you could be.

gelo. hey nice to hear from you. never thought you read the blog! yeah, i remember chatting over at grindr. i wish you and your grindr romance well!

anonymous reader on mba. a lot of good mba schools around. (notice the hesitation to name schools. hehe) location might be an important consideration, since these are pretty spread out. i'd really recommend an mba for people who want to go further up the ladder (and even for those thinking of shifting careers! listen up, D!)

thanks for reading, raiders!

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brothers in arms

2011-09-14T23:38:00.001+08:00

i have just one brother, seven years my junior. before him, i was bunso. i was king. then he arrived, all fair compared to my ulikba complexion. we didnt even look remotely alike. he looked like so chinese. and people were fawning over him. while i was the pinoy na pinoy - tanned malay skin with big eyes.

he was really an adorable baby. and i enjoyed playing with him until he got to the 'terrible twos' phase. that's when i realized i wasn't bunso (youngest) anymore. and he was getting the attention and the toys. i resented that. but i couldn't do anything about it. and pretty soon, i was entering puberty. and i had more important things to take care of (boys).

by that time, he became the pesky kid who would always pester all of us older than him. he turned out to be quite an artist, too. an illustrator. so he would busy himself drawing and drawing. then he'd follow us around, trying to insert himself in our conversations. poor kid. we'd shoo him away.

i guess he started feeling that rejection. and when he was looking for a kuya to look up to, i wasn't there anymore. (i was pre-occupied with being ate!) and as he entered puberty, he became more of a loner, more of an artist.

then we all grew up. he got married and started a family. he continued to struggle with his career. and when he was compared to his kuya cc, he felt inferior.

all that pent up resentment came out on the eve of my birthday a few years back. his wife picked a fight with me over household stuff. and he quickly joined in and sided with her. one huge, hurtful fight. awful things he said. and he wrote. never mind that it was my birthday the following day. yes, those words cut deep within me.

but in time, we patched things up. when they migrated to new zealand, i made sure that i would be able to help them financially.

they continue to struggle down there. and he has been under a lot of stress lately. his two growing boys are so dear to me. and sometimes, when i hear his eldest talk to me, yearning to come back to manila, i just well up.

despite all the differences growing up, we are closer than ever. he is my only brother. and even if he tells me how much he envies my success, i always tell him that his crowning glory is his family - his wife and two handsome sons. that is something i will never have. and all he has to do is take care of them and make sure they are raised properly.

love evens things out between us.

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cc archives: Cute Manga (March 21, 2007)

2011-09-14T23:20:00.001+08:00

No I am not referring to a Japanese animated character. I mean Manga-gamit.
Met him at an island-type retail outlet in qc. He had a great smile when he noticed me staring.

And because it wasn't a very busy day for him, he found a way to sneak out and meet up with me. a quick handshake thereafter and, of course, the cell phone number.

i felt lucky! and I assumed he was one of us, with that kind of response. we texted immediately after and ASUS! he was already asking whether i'd like him to be my boyfriend! heller! that wasnt what i was after. and i was honest about it.

we remained 'friends'/text mates. i would pass by his 'stall' and sometimes would invite him for coffee.

this is the funny part - we go to starbucks and he doesnt mind ordering the most expensive coffee item, grande! sometimes he would text me asking me to enroll him at fitness first. and there's the occasional pasaload. GOSH. i didnt even know how to do that till this time. lately, we had lunch (my treat, of course) and he asked for take out - crispy pata pa! the clincher: the guy's getting married next month and yet he still asks me if i might want to reconsider him as a boyfriend!

thick, really thick. but you know what, i am not turned off at all. i find it quite amusing, wondering where this will all go. again, a reminder, we've never even had sex. would we ever? do i still find him attractive? oh yes i do. he really is a cutie, nice bod. not too tall though.

other things on my mind. i never thought it would happen to me - become sugar daddy. hahaha.

Posted by closet case at 8:01 PM

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missing blogging

2011-09-14T00:06:00.001+08:00

waaaahhh. miss posting. miss reacting to comments. so sorry i havent been able to. its a crazy month. too many things happening at work. then school will start soon. sorry sorry sorry.

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To Friends and Our Friendship

2011-09-11T09:41:00.003+08:00

I think Ill declare 9-11 day of friendship. well, my day of friendship. two great friends are celebrating their birthdays. yesterday was the birthday of another friend who passed away a day earlier. 9-11 has made me think of these special people.

tetchie is my classmate from grade school. he is a recurring figure in the cc SAHC series, having been part of my life since then. tetchie is intelligent, quick-witted, simply brilliant. in grade school, he (and I) were overshadowed by our even more intelligent classmates for the honors. but when those ones left, it became just tetchie and me, primarily. so i considered him some kind of rival.

yet we were best friends, part of a group. though i remained competitive, tetchie just wasn't. yeah, he was concerned about his grades, but never because he wanted to be at the top. he just wanted good grades. he pursued the physical sciences in college, excelling in that. but eventually, it was a career in IT that gave him the food on the table. and the chance to travel. he is based abroad now, living with his partner of many years.

and if before, my feelings for him had been tinged with envy (he was at the top of the class), all of that just dissipated because i finally realized what a fool I've been thinking of him as a rival. he always had such a pure heart. and he offered me nothing but sincere friendship.

i love it that he lives so modestly, despite a great capacity to live in luxury. not frugal. just modest and focused.

he is one person i could never be dishonest to, especially when asked about uncomfortable questions. he will look at me straight in the eye, with his bright beautiful eyes and wait for an answer, without judgement nor expectation. and i can only be honest and real.

i will always look up to him as a person better than me. and i am just grateful he considers me his friend.

miggs, dear miggs, fellowfabcaster is the another person i can never lie to. this guy just sees right through me.

i am so proud to say that he is my friend, my friend from way back before miggs was miggs. when he was just another intelligent, fierce classmate in business school. i wish i could tell you some great big thing about miggs no one knows about. but i can't. because with miggs, well, what you see is what you get. that guy has presence. and on day 1 of our class, he made us feel that presence. he was one of the youngest in class, and easily the most assertive. we knew he was bright and articulate and outspoken. and in hindsight did i know that during that time, he was also transitioning in his gay identity.

we became part of an inner circle, and inadvertently, i became closer and closer to him. i was resisting. i didn't want to out myself. but they gave me a safe haven to be myself. and i think miggs wanted me to be out to him. so he gave me cues. and eventually i did. and i never regretted.

that was almost 10 years ago. and now he is miggs, the blogger, the organizer, the mover. his career may be in flux now but never his ideals. and i think his heart has found a home in his advocacy. i have seen miggs on fire but i watch him now, and i see a conflagration. any cause would be blessed with his unique gift to organize and persuade and influence. for now, it will be the love yourself project. he is a systems guy. and i see him helping out by putting systems of sustainability into the project. so even if he moves on, the project will move and grow.

another fellowfab, aj, celebrated his birthday yesterday. but the day before that, he fell into eternal sleep. many things have been said about aj. because his life, short as it may have been, was colorful and loud. yes, loud and proud. i only met him when about 2 years ago, when he became part of the fabcasters. i remember seeing pictures of him before that. (was it through friendster?) and i found him gwapo in those photos. then, i finally met him in my condo when we did the tenchu fabcast. he was generally quiet. but when he spoke, he was fearless. we were all laughing at the way he bitchily commented on the topic at hand. and his queen bitch status was cemented in my mind.

sadly, we didn't have as much time to bond. his schedules early on were quite tight. and he couldn't join the fabcasts as much. a confession now: you know aj, during those times, i felt disappointed that you weren't putting in as much time and effort in being a 'fabcaster'. then when i realized the reason for your absences was your failing health, i felt so ashamed of my feelings. I'm so sorry.

pc knew aj much longer than i knew him. and because of that special friendship with pc, i knew that i wanted to become closer to aj. if before i found him too bitchy and intimidating, i now saw him as simply special. too bad that was when he became more sickly. and our bonding moments were confined (pun intended) to the hospital.

i admire aj. he never let his health get in the way of being fabulous and proud. he was a fighter. and though he knew it was a day-to-day struggle, he never showed it. he was dignified until the end. and when i saw him lying in peace, with that muffler around his neck, i knew he was finally resting. he actually won the fight.

they are just three of the people who have touched my life. one of them has ended his stay here. a bit too soon. i will have to continue cherishing the ones i have here. and telling them that i love them.

at another time

2011-09-03T10:07:00.001+08:00

pc is such an old soul. if he had his way, he would have preferred living in the Victorian era. his first gift to me was a dvd copy of 'age of innocence'. he glories in the splendor of that time - the castles, the chariots, the gowns and coattails, the. music.

i would have preferred the 'mad men' era, the 60's.

the slim fitting suits. the suave and debonair time when i was actually born! im in the middle of 'a single man' by tom ford, and im just floored by the fashion and the styling! talagang bongga ang ate!

this was the time of my parents. they were in their mid-20's. and they already had a huge family! haha i saw some of their photos during that time. amazing. too bad my dad didnt keep any of the stuff. i would easily fit into them now!

i love the slim suits, the immaculately pressed white button-down shirt, the slim ties. well, the vests i could skip. hehe. even the colors are wonderful. muted earth tones. rich chocolate and greys. the interior design was so stylish and sleek. wood was plentiful then. hence, wood paneling was everywhere, including the automobile dashboard (yes, it. was still called automobile then).

im suddenly obsessing over the fashion. curiously, banana republic launched a mad men collection! yikes. there goes the credit card!

dont you just luv barbie & ken?

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mealtime moments

2011-09-02T19:33:00.001+08:00

mealtimes. the most important bonding moments of our family. (or is that typical of all filipino families?). we cannot be excused from sharing the family meal. not homework. not tv. not phone conversation. only sickness. even that has to be of a certain severity.

of course, weekday breakfasts and lunch can be irregular. but never dinner, not after school. kakain na! my mother would holler. sometimes we would grumble about what is being served. hay naku. kakainin kung ano ang nakahain. pasalamat kayo may nakakain pa kayo. pag gyera, wala ka ng makain.. (eat what is being served. be thankful you still have food on the table. during war, you dont have any.). but i was never a picky eater. i eat everything.

in between the 'please pass the ketchup' and 'get more vegetables, that's good for you.' there will be conversation. mealtime is when we all get updated on school, grades, friends and relatives, gossip. teenagers may hesitate sharing as much. so i get uncomfortable. especially when i was still in the closet. and i couldnt share the thrill of getting (and giving) my first blowjob.

mealtime stories. when my 7yr old brother, who was already feeling really bad, still sat on the dining table. and as his serving of freshly baked macaroni was set before him, he barfs all over it. (and second serving of bechamel sauce, perhaps? ewww) or when my other sister just started crying, then sobbing uncontrollably as we were having dessert. out of nowhere.

mealtimes now have less participants. all my siblings are abroad. so its just me and my folks. (though i do have a niece staying with us as she studies) but i treasure mealtimes no less. i try as much as i can to be with them for dinner. and weekend lunches. even when i was living apart, in the condo.

we still do the life updates. i ask if there are news from the siblings abroad. or who else from their friends and acquaintances have this illness or that malady. or worse, have passed away.

but inevitably, we turn to talking about the past. from immediate past to growing up past, to ancestors past. it is fascinating to learn about stories of lolo and lola, of great grandfather or uncle or tito. there are courtship stories and romance. there is the family scandal. the illegitimates. the bribery. i love it.

but where we really spend a lot of time on is the growing up past. i am so intrigued by their first hand stories of us growing up, hearing what their thoughts were, motivations during the tender years. i would remember bits and pieces, but they supplied the details and the big picture.

a part of me is telling me, im feeling soooo old. our discussions are all about the past! but i cannot deny the sheer fun of putting the past together. and of course, the closeness i get to feel with them every moment spent strolling down memory lane.

im missing them now, as i spend many nights away from them for this trip.

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cc archives: fitness feast

2011-08-29T23:26:00.001+08:00

have you ever tried the sumptuous buffet at fitness first (all branches)? i am just so impressed with this mega-chain - they provide you with free sodas and coffee and even buffet! the choices are being served steamed or convection-oven cooked. one caveat - the meat is not always 'fresh' nor sumptuous. you just have to be lucky. some are lean, young types. others are definitely NOT fat-free, quite lardy and greasy actually. there's usually a helping of shrimp or 'hipon' in the vernacular, concentrate on the body and ignore the head. on certain occasions, you are served some prime cuts, though. pure beef, ultra delicious! and that's when you get really lucky!

guidelines on the buffet:

discernment - some prime cuts are not for everyone's consumption. helping yourself to this type may earn you a shiner. discernment is key. if eye contact is avoided, that's the signal for you to move on and try the other dishes. please do not insist.
sensitivity to the the other diners - some diners are luckier than you. they get to have their cake and eat it too. sometimes, it's just a matter of 'first-come, first-served'. be quick to establish whether you are gate-crashing a party or you are on the guest list. if you are a late comer to the venue, check for eye contact first. direct eye contact is a buying signal. a casual brush on the merchandise is not just a buying signal, it is an invitation. if none of the above happens, please leave the diners alone.

cleanliness - this must be maintained at all times. clean up after. left-overs on the floor or, heaven forbid, on the bench are just bad manners.

a final note: though the buffet is a fringe benefit of your membership, the management is not about to legitimize this offering. dining is actually illegal and could cost you your membership (their loss) or your face (your loss of...). please be very careful when dining at the premises.

readers, got any other guidelines you may want to share regarding eating out? :)

Posted by closet case at 1:51 PM, march 2007

i found it

2011-08-29T23:21:00.003+08:00

back when i was still with my ex and i was starting to blog, i used to post a lot of my extra-marital activities and affairs. i would even put the photos of my playmates (though using solarizing filters). it was an outlet for my indiscretions, thinking my ex would never find it.

then when he found out about the blog, i hurriedly deleted all those posts. but not without backing them up in word format. i thought i had lost those files, thinking i placed them in an unmarked flash drive.

while i was going through my folders in the my external hard disk, i found the documents! and i will start reposting them here, hoping you'll have as much fun reliving my 'wild' days...

mini celebs

2011-08-27T16:33:00.001+08:00

another maelstrom hits pinoy tweetdom. james soriano and his tagalog. Just two weeks ago, it was Chris Lao and the parting of the panay Ave sea. Ordinary people become instant celebrities as they are vilified online. The spotlight is on the latest person to get the ire of the pinoy online. Heroes never get that quick a popularity surge. I'm pretty sure James is finding out the downside of fame or infamy, as friend Chris was recounting previously. He would get stares, uncomfortable as he would walk by. And even if I dont know James soriano from Adam previously, all that information floating in cyberspace about him have been reassembled to give the curious a profile of the English-speaking twat. Ahhh. That was also what happened to Chris. Suddenly everybody knew of his academic credentials. And these were used against him.

Time will tell how they will play their moment of fame to their advantage. A TV guesting? A book deal? Pinoy big brother? Hmmm. Now what can I cook up to have my moment? Lol. Be careful what I wish for!

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I'm bi-os

2011-08-27T00:21:00.003+08:00

im a bi-os guy now.

i have android o/s for the samsung galaxy 10.1 and mac o/s for macbook air, iphone, iPad.

im confused. lol.

I'm using the macbook air now, taking it for a test drive. it looks great. and sexy. and really light. fast, too. well, it will be with me for the next couple of years. the portability is the best feature. i don't have to log around that 17" macbook pro. the trade off, screen size. hehe. i didn't realize i need new glasses till now. LOL

will give you more of my thoughts on this air and the galaxy tab 10.1 soon. night.

WEE: in hindsight

2011-08-23T20:08:00.001+08:00

my weekend escape turned put so well. the lighthouse marina fulfilled the dream almost 100%. the boutique hotel had the right amenities. it gave me nice views of the ocean. and i was able to leisurely read, or blog or tweet. so relaxing. the personnel were very nice and friendly.

i was upgraded to a suite at no cost. so that made me smile. it was a big room, with its own living area. the dvd player provided plays usb movies and music. a definite plus! though i didnt bring any dvd's, i was able to transfer movies from my laptop to my flashdrive. wonderful!

the hotel is at the end of waterfront road, the road where the bars and other hotels are situated. i was able to walk along the road and see the goings on during dusk. and there was a quaint chapel, san roque, about a few blocks away. so pleasant!

the hotel also had some nightlife. the lighthouse itself is a bar. and the music seemed nice.

and thought the weather was perfect, i could see myself still enjoying the place as it rains hard. it was cozy and comfortable. and the scene would still be nice in the rain.

the downside. well, it can get noisy at night. despite a/c and the heavy draperies, i could still hear the beat. at the time i went there, there were corporate clients, guests who were doing their workshop or seminar. so they got pretty rowdy at night. and with them around during meal times, it was a bit noisier than i would have wanted.

all in all, i see myself going back for another wee. i can understand now the advantage of just staying at hotels over maintaining a vacation house. id probably be spending the same amount for monthly amortization costs.

i just hope they can give me good rates if i will book way in advance. maybe once a quarter would be good.

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WEE 0821111216

2011-08-21T12:23:00.001+08:00

on my way back. coffee now at starbucks in petron tabang nlex. weekend is ending. im thinking of ending this with a nice massage.

in the heat of 1130am, i had simply red coasting top down on sctex. got a great tan. lol. it wasnt hot. the breeze at 100kph is just wonderful. i love the unobstructed view of bucolic pampanga. so inspiring. nothing like 80s jazz to cruise with.

finally pushed it to 160kph and beyond. effortlessly. loved the way i would be just at 100kph and will have cars pass me. then ill mow them down, one by one. as i speed up. pc says car obsession is the only masculine bone remaining in my body. lol

another 40kms before reaching home.

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WEE 0821110845: the day after

2011-08-21T09:33:00.001+08:00

pc was gushing over his new gadget when he arrived. i love the way his eyes light up as he shows me the features of the phone, the screen resolution, the nifty way it zooms through tilting, etc. he really is such a tech at heart. he even subscribes to those tech fora for updates on the latest. and he gets so oc over the gadgets, over a scratch, a speck of dust!

after the wonderful lunch of steak (for him) and steamed lapu-lapu (for me), we settled in the room to watch a movie. i downloaded 'the never ending story', a film he remembers crying over in childhood, and something i never actually watched. but after 30mins, we were dozing off. hehe. i guess the charms of childhood fail to carry over to adulthood!

we heard the 5pm mass at the quaint church nearby. it was probably a protestant church during the american tenure here. it had a nice yard, with huge acacia trees with moss-covered branches. i just love trees.

then we went to a new landmark in this area, the Kalaklan lighthouse, which we could view from the hotel. it was so near, actually, right after exiting the base through kalaklan gate. it had nice views of the bay. and our timing, sunset, was my favorite. there was a guard stationed at the operational lighthouse - ang lalaki sa parola, but not half as exciting. hehe. the shots were wonderful. soon to be posted here.

then it was an early dinner at aresi at the courtyard meridien. the resto, that had its origins in imperial hotel along morato, was something i missed. i havent visited the resto when they transferred to il terrazzo. but the one thing i remember about them, the chocnut ice cream, disappeared from the menu.

we had pasta (creamy pesto), and pizza (five cheeses!) i love all-cheese pizza, though i dont generally crave for pizza. the only other pizza variant i like is margherita, strictly thin crust. we also had their herbed chicken, and it took 40 mins to prepare. we capped that off with tiramisu and cheesecake. lovely anniversary dinner.

we had watched another movie after dinner in the room: woody allen's midnight in paris. it was nice. a review of art and literature of the 20's. the message was simple enough. it had characteristic woody allen lines, deadpan and biting, delivered by owen wilson (i have taken a fancy to his voice since i watched 'cars'. i like the way his lips seem pursed as he speaks.)

then it was time for goodbyes. pc couldnt stay overnight so i arranged the driver to bring him home. i was suddenly worried for the travel back. i realized that sctex is not lit for stretches. and they would be traveling midnight. i texted them regularly for updates and reassurances. and thankfully, they made it back to manila uneventfully.

i kept awake by continuing the book 'god loves bakla' by raymond alikpala. it is such an honest recount of his life in the closet. and since we are of the same age (we are actually born 7 days apart), i loved the way he writes interspersed with history as i knew it, too. ninoy's assassination, edsa people power, even 9-11. his recall so accurate i couldnt help but do my own reminiscing.

when migs introduced me to him, he mentioned how 'similar' our lives were. and we had a chance to talk at that love yourself photoshoot. reading the book showed me all the similarity. and heightened some differences which i wont mention here yet.

suffice it to say that raymond alikpala turned out to be my companion during this trip, a companion to a trip in the past, and to a trip to his soul, tortuous at times and ultimately, inspiring.

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WEE 0820111655: blessing

2011-08-21T00:08:00.002+08:00

here at san roque parish chapel inside sbma with pc. happy to hear mass with him on this special day.

-
pc was fetched by the driver and brought here at just about noon. he loved the place! we took our lunch and eventually had the rest of the afternoon whole up inside the room. :-D then we prepared to hear Mass.

im thinking of aresi for dinner tonight...

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WEE 0820110830: breaky

2011-08-20T08:58:00.001+08:00

that's how this guy calls breakfast. he was the first guy i chatted with in grindr. pinoy based in australia. first guy i met, too. but no sex. not that i didnt like him. he was nice and fun. it just didnt go there.

i digress. last night, after dinner, i stayed on to do more reading. and an occasional surfing. there was a singer and her keyboards guy. regular hotel playlist. i have no idea why the girls all sound alike. its their version of crooning. they super-modulate their voices, hold the mics way too close. maybe they teach that in hotel lobby singing school. lol

some guests were singing along. i was so tempted. hahaha but would they want to hear me do 'con te partiro' in all my tenor-tryhard glory after she sings 'the way you look tonight'?!?!? actually, that's my dilemma now. the other night, it was karaoke bonding with mid-management, like we used to do before. but suddenly, im sooo hesitant to sing. my repertoire is so limited (how many karaoke books have 'nella fantasia?') im in danger of not internalizing my newly formed skills (head tone, breathing technique) if i go back to 'ill be' and 'wherever you may go'! lol luckily, there was 'music of the night' with new lyrics (wtf?). and during that 2nd high note, pumiyok na ako lol. but it was one noisy karaoke place. or nobody would dare laugh at the ceo. hehe

anyway, had a great time last night as i drove simply red for a spin topdown. yes, the nightbreeze, cooler after the rain. off to starbucks (where else?). got to be mindful of traffic signs, though. i feel so 'american' driving here.

when i got back, i wanted to drink at the bar. there was some nice chris brown playing. and the mixed race crowd was swinging. turned out to be a private party of the group doing their workshop here. so many caucasians. i just looked at all of them dancing and drinking enviously.

so it was going to be bedtime. i talked to pc, for our anniversary eve chat! and as i laid down, i could still hear the beat and the music. my shoulder was moving on auto pilot. haha. hmm. i thought id have a hard time sleeping. but before i knew it, it was already 754am! lovely sleep after all!

today, pc arrives from manila. i had the driver pick him up. ahh the first year anniversary f**k! excited!

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its been a year

2011-08-19T20:03:00.001+08:00

literally my prince charming, he is. swept me off my feet when i least expected it. may be that's the key. do not expect. and be caught by the most pleasant of surprises.

how could i expect? how could i even think of relationship and grindr in the same sentence? and there is no judgment there at all. i got hooked on grindr, literally and figuratively. i was having fun with the mystery of talking torsos and the promise of hot sex. and some of them turned out pretty well. i got my ego boost, too. grindr was hook up central. and i am so grateful.

so when i saw this uber-handsome face (as opposed to torso!) on a profile, it was just going to be another hot encounter.

the more we chatted, the more i realized that this cutie was... different. there were a lot of things in common, another surprise considering his age, and mine! and even if there was some flirting, the conversations were progressing in deeper ways.

and i found myself falling, though i was still resisting. and his ambiguous behavior just fuelled the fire. is he or is he Not into me? honestly, i couldnt tell. but the attraction was enough for me to take my chances and declare my intentions and my growing feelings for him.

pleasant surprise, too, when he reciprocated. when he felt similarly about the direction this was taking.

and hearing him tell me that he loves me, finally, was the best surprise. why was i surprised? i didnt expect it to happen then. i thought his feelings were still developing. little did i know...

is this going to be ending with a simplistic lesson of not expecting? no. because in retrospect, it can never be that simple. i wish i could tell all the lonely hearts out there to not expect and just be pleasantly surprised. but it is so human to expect.

so no lessons here. just a grateful, kilig pa rin recount of one year ago.

here's to one year, prince charming. many, many more in store.

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WEE 0819111905: dindin

2011-08-19T19:13:00.001+08:00

surprised with the way the waterfront of sbma has developed. the walk from lighthouse marina, by the shoreline, reminds me of a mini-south beach or waikiki. hotels and restos lined up on one side, facing the beach. had a nice pleasant walk to the other end (gerry's grill).

dinner now, al fresco, by the poolside. thank heavens they stopped playing kenny rogers. reggae now. so much better.

wonderful night time breeze. no flies mosquitoes. lol

and two unescorted ladies drinking san mig lite in dresses two sizes smaller. is this a pick up joint?

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WEE 0819111750: a good dip

2011-08-19T17:52:00.001+08:00

started reading raymond alikpala's book as i lounged by the pool. iphone was playing my fave new age music. dipped in the pool when the clouds covered the afternoon sun. a few laps. i was the only one in the pool. feeling quite likea lone goldfish in a fishbowl. lol.

no sunset. sun covered by hills and clouds. continued my reading after the swim. my mind relaxing now. the only problem - kenny rogers in the background. the music, not the food.

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WEE 0819111520: im here

2011-08-19T15:24:00.001+08:00

arrived safely. sctex from mabalacat toll booth to tipo is only 56kms. hehe. yeah, i like doing that. measuring travel distances. my obsession with numbers.

im all settled in my room. got an upgrade. thanks, renz (front desk). sun is out. gorgeous afternoon here. ang bait ni Lord! quiet at my verandah.

i can see the pool from here. will take a dip 4ish.

my mind remains so active. but slowly cooling down.

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WEE 0819111310: coffee break

2011-08-19T13:16:00.001+08:00

stop-over at mocha blends lakeshore. surprised this brand still exists. i liked it before. used to visit the morato branch in another lifetime.

simply red is just a darling. 150kph with no effort. i just do bursts. dont want to get any tickets.

still very cloudy. but at least its not raining. that would slow me down. toll booth guy was cute. gave him my shy smile. lol

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WEE 0819111130

2011-08-19T11:32:00.001+08:00

it's a holiday and im off. im off to my weekend escape. had to finish some work errands first. had lunch at home. will get gasoline along the way. have my tires checked, too. so far, so good.

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To You Who Knows or Reads Bakla Ako.Com

2011-08-19T08:39:00.001+08:00

Our feisty friend, dear AJ, is quite sick, though 'quite' is really a euphemism. He has been in and out of the hospital for months now. The fighter and the bitch inside of him just wont let disease get the better of him. So he manages to bounce back, with the help of medical science, prayer and the support of very strong parents, family and friends.

He is battling it out again. And even as his indomitable spirit will drive his frail body to conquer the infection, the resources to support this battle are running out. If you have met AJ, read his blog sometime, you'd know that this is one bakla you'd like the world to continue to love and enjoy.

FelloFab AJ will win this war, with our help. Email me: closet_case07@yahoo.com.ph

THE FABCASTERS' OPEN LETTER:

"Hello friends,

For some time now our friend and fellow Fabcaster, AJ Matela (of “Bakla Ako, May Reklamo” at http://baklaako.com/) has been quite sick. Upon the advise of doctors, he has resigned from work and is now focused on getting his body back in shape. But he’s finding out the hard way just how tough this battle is going to be.

Some time ago AJ contracted mycobacterium avium complex. Nodules have been discovered in his lungs, and he has been coughing a lot. Immediate treatment is necessary to halt the spread of the disease. It means he needs to submit himself to several lab tests plus new multiple medicines on top of the daily ones he’s currently taking.

And last Aug. 18, 2011, just after lunch, AJ was rushed to the emergency room. He has difficulty breathing on his own; on top of that, he has diarrhea. His weight has gone significantly down. AJ is currently confined in Medical Center Manila along UN Avenue.

All this time he has relied only on his family and relatives for help. All this time he’s kept details of his medical condition to just them. But it has now reached a point when help from relatives, generous as they have been, is not enough. Because he has resigned from work, he doesn’t have any health card to bank on.

All his life AJ has always prided himself on being self-reliant and self-sufficient. But now he realizes that he cannot do this alone. So now, as close friends of AJ, we turn to you for help.

Friends, at this point we appreciate any and every assistance we can receive. And with God’s help, plus your generosity and prayers, we hope for AJ to bounce back soon. You can personally send your help to me or any of the Fabcasters."

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the ideal weekend escape

2011-08-18T18:17:00.001+08:00

in my mind, ive been setting up the ideal weekend escape. it must not be too far from manila. i have to be able to drive simply red leisurely going there, preferably with the top down at sunset.

resort must be beside the sea, with a great sunset. it doesn't have to be ultra-swanky. just exclusive enough to give me space. a nice poolside, great views in the lounging areas. nice resto and coffee shop. gym optional. but being situated in an area where i can run is a plus. a nearby mall or shopping area also optional.

with my alone time, ill bring a book or two. and this ipad and my phone. ill still have my laptop, in case of emergency, or to view movies i have downloaded. throw in the camera to capture the moments. ill bring running and swimming gear. ill look forward to some physical exercise. and maybe have a massage or spa time in between.

and i want to be able to do this regularly, maybe once a quarter, in the same place so the people will become familiar and be friendly. its going to be like having my own vacation house without the maintenance hassle.

tomorrow, i'm going to make this a reality. let's see if it will be as relaxing and as de-stressing as i have envisioned it.

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Thursdays with CC: Value of Extra-curricular Involvement

2011-08-18T17:19:00.001+08:00

i have been a volunteer in the church for decades now. it wasnt a straight tenure, though. there was a time early in my service that i was at loggerheads with the president so i resigned.

i came back eventually, after the tenure of that president. and havent left since. not that i havent wanted to, time and again. sometimes, im just overwhelmed with work and would rather not have that extra schedule on my hands. at other times, im just thinking myself unworthy of the vocation. still at other times, my disagreement with church views on matters, including my sexual preference. and sometimes, it could be as un-christian as simply not liking having to be 'obedient' when i am so used to being boss.

but i keep on anyway. i found that my previous resignation was certainly immature of me. and as i stay on, i find more value in continuing to serve. the most important, and the hardest to swallow, is the value of being humbled.

yes, ive worked my way to the top so i could be the boss. so i could have my way. but this title, this position doesnt mean anything beyond my company. and when i let it get inside my head too much, i just know im setting myself up for a harsher reality check. when im out there, especially abroad, i am so humbled. i am just another Filipino, Oriental, Asian, colored person. i get in line. i am ordered around. i am a nobody.

being in the organization allows me to be grounded again and again. i am a follower. i will not always get my way. i will not have the monopoly of bright ideas. and im certainly nowhere near saintliness.

sometimes i resist. sometimes i am tempted to pull rank (where my rank means nothing!) but just as surely, i remind myself. i need to be humbled. and that is what this organization does.

another benefit of the organization for me is retirement planning. when i eventually retire, i know ill still have something to do. my life would still be purposeful and productive. i would still be around people. and i would still be serving. with more free time, i can even be more active and more devoted. and im guessing this will delay the onset of alzheimers and senile depression.

but i suppose the best benefit i am deriving is the benefit of self-fulfilment in service. yes, that does sound selfish. but it doesnt hurt, i suppose, that i enjoy what i do as i serve. that i see that some effort of mine actually leads to some improvement or betterment to the people i serve.

expand your horizons. do volunteer work. help where you can. there are so many causes out there that are waiting for more champions. be one of them.

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my pov: THAT art exhibit

2011-08-14T21:37:00.001+08:00

i just have to express my pov about that controversial art exhibit in ccp, particularly mideo's art.

yes, art is all about self-expression. and mideo expresses, comments, provokes. and for me, he blasphemes. im catholic. i hold those images sacred. and i find it offensive that symbols i hold dear have been associated with anatomical parts associated with pornography.

this is me, reacting, protesting. im offended. i choose not to view the exhibit, nor pictures of it.

but will i demand that it be taken down? no, i won't. i have no right to impose my standards, my faith on others. how dare me think that my sensibilities should prevail! and i will not even dare to ask government to step in and take that exhibit down. the government as an institution was made not for catholics alone. it cannot use its powers to let one faith, one religion prevail over all the others.

whether we like it or not, whether we accept it or not, the world is moving towards more and more diversity, in color, in creed, in culture. it is happening everywhere and is happening here. this is the law of entropy at work. there will be less neat divisions and categories. and we will have to accept and embrace that.

so even as i hate what mideo has put there, he has every right to display that and express himself as i have with this post.

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an unfortunate thing

2011-08-06T00:02:00.001+08:00

i was one of the people he called about an hour after the interview. he sounded weird. even delirious. kept on laughing at himself. his stupidity. he told me the story. and i ended up laughing, too. he couldn't believe that he absentmindedly just drove that car into the flood.

and the next thing he knew, water was rushing inside. and he stopped moving. and all he was thinking about were his law books. but he was still laughing. he was asking me if i saw him on the news. i told him i didnt. nevertheless, he regretted that interview. because his knee-jerk reaction was to be on the offensive. and he just blamed everyone else for his predicament on national tv. as he was talking to me, he was so remorseful, so sorry he said it. it just came out of him in rage at himself, mostly.

he was still in the vicinity of the flooded area, waiting for the family driver to assist him. i had to hang up because i had a meeting to attend.

the next thing i knew, it was going viral in a very bad way. he texted asking for help to put the darn facebook hate page down. i tried to do my part but unfortunately, facebook never took it down. it was classic, the way everything was snowballing much to his humiliation.

i havent known him for so long. but he was a genuninely nice guy. not arrogant or abrasive at all. i didnt even realize he was summa cum laude. but during that short time i got to know him, he was actually so accommodating. he even hosted a little dinner for his new-found friends (our barkada).

i felt really bad for how this turned out for him. bizarre.

my own analysis. chris has been working himself too hard studying for the bar exam. that guy would actually spend hours in coffee shops pouring over books, going home in the wee hours of the morning. he actually figured in a car accident previously, when he took a micronap while driving.

that morning, he was rushing to pick up his wife. he was probably lacking sleep again. and all good judgment was just out the window. he was so distraught. and when interviewed by the reporter, he was on the defensive. and the lawyer training taught him that a good offense was the best defense. and that was what he mounted. an offense blaming everyone else but himself. knee jerk reaction coming from a stressful stimulus.

my lesson here: analyze yoursel. what buttons will you push during moments of crisis, of urgency. what is your knee-jerk reaction? passive or aggressive? is your reaction helpful? productive? if not, you may like to unlearn that reaction by replacing it with a more productive one. do it consciously until it becomes second nature. then your knee-jerk reaction, if and when a moment happens, would be positive.

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the nooks & crannies

2011-08-02T19:41:00.001+08:00

my little place was made with sp many spaces for alone-time

and this provides me entertainment in the attic

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the nerd of some people

2011-08-02T13:38:00.001+08:00

hay naku.

the nerd of my driber. excuuuse me. ex-drivam. pasaway na nga siya. ang hirap utusan. tapos, di man nagte-text kung papasok o hindi. aba! as a matter in fact, may text allowance nga siya na hindi naman nagagamit! az in! at may kapal magsabi na nawalan ng load? super inis talaga.

so i told him. goodbye na siya by the 15th. fly away. adios. di ko kailangan ang jervice niya na hindi ko naman maasahan. and take note, may outstanding loan pa siya so dapat ay pumasok man siya to pay for that.

aba! di na nagpakita. disapir from the face of the earth. at disapir na rin ang bayad sa utang. the nerd!

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stolen

2011-08-02T13:24:00.001+08:00

a new acquaintance confessed recently.

now i know why you look so familiar. ive seen you before.
really?
were you in bora around _____ ?
hmm yeah i might have been. not sure because that was quite awhile ago.
i have a confession to make: i took a stolen pic of you then.
huh? nah. that couldnt have been. you got the wrong guy.
ill check my pics later.

no way it could be me. like why would anyone want to take a stolen shot? they could simply ask, right? LOL

now im sure it is you.
no way. i wasnt there in _____.
im sure. mali pala. it was _____. add me up as a friend.

i quickly looked him up and added him.

look for my album ____, pic no ___

good grief. it is me. a stolen shot as i was busy talking on the my mobile. there were no other persons in the pic. and there were actually two shots, even.

for others, this sounds stalker-ish. but honestly, for me, im flattered that someone would even take a stolen shot. never happened to me before. haha.

i actually asked him why he did it. but before he could answer, i told him to scratch that. i'd prefer to keep my juvenile delusions untainted by reality!

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cc's pink film festival

2011-07-31T12:58:00.006+08:00

from diva cinema to pink film festival.

since last week, i've been doing much catching up on gay-themed movies. i used to be such a big fan of american gay indies, especially when it was still too hard to get a copy. i would order over at amazon for the dvd's. im proud to have original dvd's of big eden, trick, parting glances, latter days. yeah, bragging rights then because it was quite difficult, and expensive, to get copies.

but when pirated copies started becoming available in pink shops like top&bottom, the thrill of owning one died down. and i wasn't as curious anymore about the films. also, there didnt seem to be titles that were generating buzz among my friends.

being in touch with an old friend again, a friend of ex actually, re-acquainted me with western pink cinema. with the advent of torrent, all the films are just hours away (hours of downloading, that is). old friend has been busying himself with pink movies, and ebooks, during his spare time. and he started recommending titles again.

so im back to watching some choice pink films that ive downloaded, giving my two-centavos worth for each. i present them in the order i watched them. but i end this with one pinoy indie pink film that i watched last week.

this 10yo film ive been seeing long ago. but the reviews were never really positive. so i've put off looking for the film. well, i decided to download this just because i finally wanted to see dean cain play a gay character.
it's an attempt to be gay steel magnolias (a film they mention). gay bonding. gay issues presented in a light way. the dialogue is not particularly funny. but the nice thing about the movie are the actors they got. aside from dean cain, you will recognize mainstream actors (not necessarily leads) like timothy olyphant (whom i just saw in i am number four), justin theroux (can't forget him as joe in six feet under), ben weber (skipper in sex & the city), among others. di ba ensemble cast? lol i wouldn't even call this 'feel good', though.

this film was probably within the same year as broken hearts. and it had some heavy-weight support from lisa kudrow, cristina ricci and doris roberts. even adam goldberg for those who know him. old friend was saying that the romantic in him liked the opposites attract plot. well, for me it wasnt as much as opposites attract but one severely dysfunctional guy (the hottie) trying to get it on with another. so it was getting tiresome after his hotness wore off. it's set under a 'quest for love' storyline that is the gay man's holy grail. so nothing heavy. nothing outstanding. but the sucker in me still loves the old-fashioned happy ending.

this one i watched with pc, cuddled up in bed during a rainy Saturday evening. this was the most recent (2010) of all the movies. and i chanced upon it as the earlier movie from the producers of eCupid, the film i blogged earlier. let me spoil this for you. nerdy-writer-columnist dreams of meeting the one. hooks up online (their planet romeo) with the one. but the one thinks he is nerd's hot gogoboy roommate. he didnt have balls to tell the one who he really is. and the plot unwinds. pc was fast getting annoyed due to his dilemma of dishonesty. and while the one looks really cute and hot, his cuteness and texan drawl sounds so put-on. while all this dishonesty was going on, it suddenly hit me. good grief. this is my story with talented mr ripley! i was taken for a ride online (one hell of a ride that was) by a guy using pics of another person all the while we were chatting.

and while this one, again, ends happily and superbly cheesily (in the most barf-inducing way), of course, my story didn't. i found myself questioning whether the one could actually get over the deception and fall in love with nerd. i certainly couldn't.

for the nice display of gogoboy's bod, go watch it.

we immediately followed 'is it just me?' with this one. joseph gordon levitt has been doing gay indies for a while. he was the straight mormon in 'latter days', if you recall. the start of the movie had pc's eyebrows raised. an alien abduction in a gay movie??? seriously?? but as the story developed, we began to see how all the pieces started to fit. i must say that i was terribly impressed with this film. i wouldn't even call this pink cinema, per se. i found myself being revolted by the ploy as it became clearer. haunted by the idea. and the final scene actually made me teary-eyed. but that's just me and my psych background.

i end the pink film festival with a tribute to the producers of zombadings. i was amazed at how packed the ccp main theater was during the unholy 1130pm screening. it was gay central that night. and the film did not disappoint. it amused me no end. the timing, the little touches and quips, the soundtrack was perfect. the main actor was flawless as remington. and despite the scathing review from someone who doesnt get the humor, i know that most everyone i know had a great time during the movie.