eh si enigma?

on nov 2, i am supposed to be strolling along the beautiful sandy beach of boracay, with marvelous sunset as backdrop and enigma holding my hand. i bought the tickets way back. but now, enigma will have to go on his own.

i have received a few texts from him, mainly following up on some happenings in my life he knew about. nothing sweet or pa-cute, except for one txt which ended with 'mis u'. and he was asking whether the booking was transferable (which it isnt). i guess he is fine. his texts sound unaffected though that 'mis u' thing... well, may be a little show of loneliness. i dont really know. i guess in the end i did not do as much damage as i feared. and i am glad. he truly deserves someone better.

musta love life ko?

i am actually seriously asking myself the question. since my full disclosure to partner a few weeks back, he has been understandably cold and withdrawn. texts are few and far between. i reach out to him through email, which i do everyday. he doesnt always reply to the emails either. if he does, these are terse, sometimes ornery. i have this instinct to fight back but i hold my fingers (from typing). "when you bow, bow low" i just have to humble myself for i have truly hurt him and he is still in the process of healing.

i was ecstatic over my upcoming trip to the u.s. and i was emailing this to him. but i told him i was going out tonight with legal eagle (le). i blogged le before as my first full-blown affair. it lasted three months. that was last year. and we remained friends. even before my disclosure, partner has always had bad vibes about le. i used to deny that there was anything between le and me. but when i told him the truth, this was one of the confessions that still get to him.

he emailed yesterday how his mood suddenly changed about my mention of le. and he remembered the pain of my deceit, my illicit affair with le. and it ruined his day.

i could only apologize.

so right now, partner is cold, hurting, angry, withdrawn, bitter. its been three weeks since. i can only just accept all this because i caused it. that's where it stands. it hurts me, too. but i only got me to blame.

he comes back next week. i dont know how things will be when he is physically here.

trick or threat?

i actually received a halloween greeting 'happy trick or threat'. and he didnt sound like he was kidding. maybe he was all thumbs texting me. hehehe.

i go to the mall and i see all these kids in costumes, going from one resto or shopl to the other trick or treating. how long have i been asleep? since when did kids do this in the malls, with parents in tow (or should i say, pushed by the parents)? eh ang inabutan ko pa lang eh yung nangangaluluwa (which i bet a lot of you dont even know).

funny how we have embraced this American custom and tailor-fit it to our circumstances. can't do it in our barangays for fear of hold-ups, pederasts or just malingering souls? lets do it in the mall where EVERYBODY goes. who cares if those people in the retail outlets have no inkling who those kids are (with their costumes and make-up)? basta give lang ng give ng candies, etc. in fairness, some of the kids are cute. but some would rather be somewhere else. but no way. mama and papa will get mad and make palo!

so here's to tricking and threatening, pinoy style!!!

puts em boots

i dont actually own a pair either but i think i should have one. i have long legs so i think 'carry ko eto'. the prices are just crazy except for the pair on the left... i like the CMT or CAT style (citizen's military or army training) that reminds me of high school! hahaha.

my color palette for new york

i am off to new york soon. first time for me to visit the u.s. thrilled at the thought of visiting my sisters there. and true to form, i am planning my wardrobe... grey is so in... neutrals in different shades, with accents of iridescent colors. wow. will complete the outfit there na (still lack the grey trenchcoat). and yes, boots. will pick up boots. gotta have a pair. searched for the perfect pair of grey sneakers. must be light. found it in geox. ganda!!!

thank you, people

thank you for those who reacted, some quite strongly, to my 'blog turned boring' post! wow. i faile dto realize how wrongly ive been judging people who read the blog. and as a marketing person, i am ashamed!

i approached blogging from a 'readership' point of view, much like a marketing person, eager to provide a product for consumption. what you readers have made me understand that is that this is not a product for consumption. blogging is me expressing self, and connecting with other people in that manner. i put the cart in front of the horse.

so i am taking your advice and will just blog from the heart, and not from the loins. hehe. thanks, people!

p.s. i must admit, too, that i wrote that post after a couple of glasses of red wine and bottles of strong ice. the alcohol and the post-enigma depression was a potent mix.

barangay carnival

8am i was part of the many who trooped to their neighborhood public elementary school to cast vote on the barangay chairman and kagawads. forgive me but i still am not so used to 'barangay' as a permanent fixture on my philippine postal address. i still consider this as a fairly recent geo-political segmentation scheme. i still remember i get confused on whether to use barrio or barangay. but surprisingly, ive been seeing this in more and more forms, even those that are supposedly 'globalized'. i guess the government has done a better job of implementing this. i mean im still getting used to the postal code (zip code), now, i have to figure out my barangay pa. hahaha.

i had trouble finding my name. what else is new. but luckily, some people who knew my dad saw us searching and directed us to our precinct. super sungit pa nung teacher manning the registration. akala mo maganda. kainis.

i took out my list (provided by my driver) and legibly wrote down my candidates. no, i didnt study the profiles of the 7 running for the chairmanship. i trust my driver. and besides, he's more aware of this, since his brother is running for kagawad.

do i take this seriously? not as much as the national elections. all i know is that i need the barangay chairman to resolve the petty disputes (first court), to hand out clearances, and to host the liga. siguro naman, they wont do as much harm as the congressmen and governors, etc. when it comes to kurakot.

then again, my driver tells me outgoing barangay chairman was able to build a house for himself, buy two vehicles including a pajero during his 18yr term. hmm. for a full time job that nets about P15T supposedly, and no other major business? may be i am wrong...

so as i cast my vote, i realize i am putting my full confidence vote behind my driver, who knows that the chairman he recommends will be clean and honest.

i hope.

blog turned boring

i was talking to a fellow blogger earlier. he mentioned a reader who was wondering what happened to my blog, how it became 'sanitized'. he wondered whether partner has started reading my blog so i have 'disinfected' it.

truth of the matter, cc has been trying to be less horny and less flirtatious. cc has turned to porn and self-gratification as the only means to relieve oneself, in the absence of partner. cc has stopped doing the spa and sauna routines. the temptations remain... with the way the eyes linger a second too long. some have gone as far as introductions and small talk. yet, cc stuck to his word.

consequence: no steamy posts, no illegal entanglements, no juicy stories to blog. blog has turned boring for readers, i think. and to think that i felt i had a value proposition - a closet fag gallivanting around the metropolis with tricks yet maintaining ang LDR. that was compelling enough to be read by some.

so i am left with cute stories, no tabloid articles. and i think my blog audience has started to get bored. sigh.

the pangs of loneliness start to bite again

i did something right, right? ive given up enigma and am back to my love, my partner. so why am i feeling lousy? i was in denial a couple of days back. yeah, ive lasted this long. but i have to admit, its getting lonesome again. partner is still away and wont be back for another two weeks. i guess that's why i'm lonely again. im also shying away from the purely-sexual pursuits. just so i wouldnt suddenly 'fall' for the next guy i become intimate with. yes, im that vulnerable. the temptation to text enigma is strong. i even got a 'i miss you' and 'i love you' text from him last sat early morning. i replied, after much deliberation, with 'ditto'. i shouldnt have. thank God he didnt take the bait. (or is he still trying to figure out what it means? hihi) *sigh*

so much to be thankful for... im so blessed. yet i feel awful. *sigh*

watching the basket

suddenly, i am enjoying watching basketball. amazing. only at this advanced 'age' do i have the patience to sit through a game and actually appreciate the sheer talent and skill of the players. ive never been into basketball. the only sport i got into in high school was volleyball (of course). now, of course, i enjoy badminton. i guess my badminton playing opened my eyes to appreciating other sports (like tennis). i know how good it feels when i play well, when my footwork is right, when i catch the opponent off guard. and how it sucks when i lose. i have learned what practice could really do to the skill. and how amazing talent could be! so it's easier for me to use that framework and look at other sports... like basketball.

i dont consider it a sexy sport. man, those oversize shorts and jerseys don't do justice at all. so i am hardly distracted when i watch. even the really good looking ones, well remain just good looking. i watch out for skill. i am newbie so i dont really know much yet. but it's getting to be exciting... i just dont know if this is sustainable. hahaha.

a farewell where it started

enigma and i said our goodbyes at the scenic spot in angono, on the foothills of the sierra madre. it was sunset. fitting. he was a little sad but not depressed or gloomy. neither was i. just... nostalgic. the view remained breathtaking.



but the emotions were more subdued. no hugs or kisses. just some glances of what could have been. but all that set with the sun. and i found the perfect song for today. this was a song i have been looking for. the day you went away by wendy matthews. i wish i knew how to upload the song on my blog. but let me pick up some the refrain:



Hey, there's not a cloud in the sky
It's as blue as your goodbye
and I thought that it would rain
on a day like today
Hey, there's not a cloud in sight
it's as blue as your blue goodbye
and I thought that it would rain
the day you went away

Gratitude

yes, light is showing at the end of the tunnel... a tunnel i made myself. its not yet over but so much heaviness lifted from my heart.

and really, the strength and the courage to right the wrongs, untangle the knots came from God. and indulge me as I acknowledge how my faith in Him has shown me what has to be done. But beyond that, it is short of miraculous how all these transpired maturely, peacefully. that was all i prayed for as i fixed this. both partner and enigma showed much temperance and understanding, totally undeserved by me. so it must have been divine. and all your best wishes and prayers channeled to make this a peaceful resolution. thank you all.

the gospel says it all - the grateful leper, i call it. and i am exactly like that leper - in this state of dis-ease, hurting people, hurting others for gratification, for affirmation. i couldn't have survived if He did not take pity on me. and yes, my faith has saved me.

i wish i could always be this strong, this focused. i guess with a lot of prayer, i could be. ill try my darndest best to stay this way. again, from the bottom of my heart, thank you... Thank You, God.

the last supper

enigma has been sensing something's awry with my tone and change of plans.

when i met up with him to have dinner earlier... he already asked me if this was going to be "the last supper"...

dinedma ko muna and tried to make light conversation, catch-up talk since we havent seen each other in two weeks...

and in the resto, he wanted me to be straight to the point... i struggled with the words... but finally, i mustered the courage to tell him...

"i have to stop seeing you..."

silence. pregnant silence. awkward silence.

"cute." and he smiled, a painful smile. followed by a sigh. quiet dinner. took him back home. just listening to ipod music. not talking. and a slight squeeze of the hand before stepping out of the car.

that ends the chapter on enigma. and i am back to hating myself for this mess...

the pursuit of truth

the pursuit of truth will set you free
even if you never catch up with it

clarence darrow

ive known this quote since i was in my teens. i didnt know the author till i googled it today. clarence turns out to be a famous american lawyer opposed to the death penalty. so much for that.

my own pursuit of truth is taking some tortuous routes. truth has been something i effectively concealed from partner. and dishonesty became a shameless habit for me. lies on top of lies, cover-ups for cover-ups. tiring. confusing. and just so wrong.

i have chosen to unravel this complicated mess to my partner, laying bare my affairs, my dastardly deeds. he takes it with such clinical objectivity but sometimes, the pain of having been lied to, of having been conspired against, seeps through. there is the caustic remark, that cutting comment that stabs at my heart every so often. and i could only wince in pain but not complain.

yet i am just starting... almost two years of dishonesty needs to be undone. sometimes, i fall back into trying to conceal, afraid that i might just agitate him further. but i give myself away. and i set him off all the more.

sometimes i doubt the value of complete honesty. but when i search my heart, i discover the same things. so i pursue truth, slowly, painfully. i have yet to feel the joy of liberation.

no easy way out

i dont see the light at the end of the tunnel yet.

partner knows everything, including this blog and its contents. he remains calm though the pain surfaces every so often.

we are still unsure where to take this after my revelation. i have a proposal which he wants to mull over.

he made some good points, some i totally did not anticipate. and i am at a loss with some of the questions he posted.

he doubts my resolve. or he doubts my sincerity. or he doubts my control over the situation. i dont blame him at all.

i.. we.. remain in the dark..

it's cold in here.

my parallel lives intersect

Corp closet: I am just in B bar with Reli.
Partner: Bakit naglalasing ka? May problema ka no’? (in a jovial manner)
CC Wala naman. (sounding tentative) Basta gusto ko lang mag-unwind
P Kahapon ka pa sad. Bakit ba?
CC Wala.
P Ano, yung boytoy mo hiniwalayan ka? Depressed ka?
CC Ano ba… And besides mag-uusap naman tayo when you get here next week
P Anong pag-uusapan ba natin? Parang kinakabahan ako
CC Basta… Naman, wag kang kabahan… wala lang…
P Sige na. Ayoko ng ganito Pagiisipin mo ako.
CC I don’t want to say this over the phone.
P Hay naku. Mas lalo akong kinakabahan. You have to give me the gist of what you’ll say.
CC Not now… okay lang, don’t think about it
P I will not stop thinking about it until I know what it will be about
CC I just want to … review our relationship, for the past two years
P Review? Review what?
CC Well, I just want to tell you about how it has been for the past two years… and maybe discuss with you directions
P Directions? Di pa ba malinaw?
CC Partner, I just want to be honest…
P Ah past two years. This is exactly like how it was with your ex. You will be telling me na you have been fooling around, too (tone getting serious)
CC Well… I want it to be discussed
P Tell me what outcome you want out of that conversation
CC I cant decide on that unilaterally
P Not that you’re making a decision. Ano ang gusto mong mangyari after that conversation.. Hiwalayan na ba?
CC no.. I want an open relationship.
P Ah… itutuloy na natin yung pinagusapan natin
CC (silence)… I really want to tell you in person
P Ngayon na. Tell me. So ganun na nga.
CC Okay,,, if you really want to discuss now… Ill start this properly. You know that I love you so much, partner…
P (interrupts) Yeah yeah, I’ve heard that before..
CC But… it is a love that is imperfect and unfaithful. Di ko kayang maging faithful while you’re away
P Mayroon na bang iba? May kapalit na ba ako?
CC Walang kapalit. But
P But there’s someone you see on a regular basis?
CC Yes
P Hay… sabi ko na nga ba. Sino na nakakakilala sa kanya?
CC the barkada…
P Anong sabi nila?
CC Wala naman. Okay lang kasi di naman yun first time na may nangyaring ganun. Di ba si Winston rin?
P Akala ba nila mayroon rin ako?
CC They’ve asked me whether I think you have one, too. I told them I really don’t know. And I don’t suspect that you do.
P Di ba sabi ko eh yun lang ang gusto ko sana – discreet ka. Di mo pa ginawa.
CC Kasi this thing started before we had that conversation.
P Sa Monday na tayo mag-usap. (hangs up the phone)

then the text above was sent

i knew it but i never expected u wld already hav that kind of care or 'love' for d guy. i cld readily understnd sexual relationships but love relationship is quite alarming. does he know me? or hav u talked about me with him?

my reply

he knows everything about u. M so sori.

Introducing... SexyBack

Please welcome my new steed - SexyBack. He is from a proud new breed of CR-V's, a black thoroughbred with the right curves. A gorgeous rear that will put bubble butts to shame.. Truly worthy of his name.

Yes, I'm bringing SexyBack...

Diet Uli.

My hiatus from dieting ended Sept 30. During the 3-mo period, i gained 6 lbs, my fat mass increased, too. So, diet uli. I've noted a few restos that have actually listed the nutritional values of the meal choices in the menu. One is Energy Lounge in Crossroad 77 Bldg. across the Infinity Gym on the 4th flr. Another is where I am now, Sugarnot in The Block. Hurrah for informed eating! Now, allow me to visualize my 6-pack..