secret's out

my gloom has abated. i was reading my earlier posts and boy, was it so full of despair. i sort of snapped out of it after watching 'the secret' on dvd.

got a copy of it from my sister. been curious about since i watched oprah reruns and saw her 'review' of the book and dvd, and her interview of the editor/authors. something about what they were saying was resonating within me. turns out, the secret's been out for more than a year now. (im so late).

so i watched the very simple, but nicely edited docu-dvd. and sorting out myself while watching the dvd helped a lot. here's how:

the secret is all about the law of attraction. what we think about, what preoccupies us sends a message to the universe. and it simply attracts all things, events back to itself, back to us. if we are always thinking about what we do NOT have, what we LACK, we reinforce it and ATTRACT more situations that will aggravate this LACK. change your thoughts and you change your outcome.

so i decided to change my thoughts, my preoccupations and focus on what i have, what i enjoy, what makes me happy. and pretty much, that is status quo. now, i feel a lot lighter and i have also decided to do something healthier, more positive about my relationship with partner. i wont preempt myself. but i will be taking some steps soon... and thinking about it makes me happy... so i send more happy thoughts into the universe.

sorry if it sounds like nonsense, or overtly simplistic. but it worked for me... :-) wish me luck...

Oprah the Mynah

may i introduce you to our talking mynah, oprah... vocabulary remains limited to "hello" "oprah" though...

to finally hear it...

my dad calls enigma prison break. pinoy version raw ni wentworth. but that's not the story.

enigma's never really expressed his feelings for me, save for the miss-yous. one time, while talking over the phone, he was teasing me that i was probably with someone else at the condo. (may take home raw ako) of course not. so he insisted that i shout 'i love partner"! which i promptly did. "masunurin ka naman masyado" was his chuckling reply. i guessed that he really didnt want me to shout it out. so i shouted "i love you, enigma". he became quiet. i said it three times more.

then i finally heard. "i love you, cc" ... i said it again "i love you, e.." and i heard it again "i love you, cc" in a very soft, whispering voice...

followed by a sigh. "sabi ko di na ako magsasabi ng i love you. i broke my own rule."

"ano ang feeling mo na binreak mo rule mo?"

"ok lang naman. i love you, cc.."

The Ruins of People's Palace

Last Saturday, I took my faithful, loving secretary to Tagaytay. Not knowing what else to do aside from eating, I decided to re-visit the People's Palace in the Sky. We happened to be with 200 noisy kids on a field trip. Sigh. The entire thing seems ready to collapse. Totally in ruins. A few stores selling souvenir items at thrice the price. I visited this place in 1990 and can compare the decay! the positive note: it was totally cloudy and cold that morning (after the rain). There was fog all over! Para kang nasa alapaap! That was really something. Downside: fog covered the view. But my secretary and driver enjoyed it! If I were DOT, i'd let it rot and ruin. then it becomes something like Macchu Picchu! ASA PA.... :-)

Play Misty for Me

I was amazed when Enigma showed me the fourth floor area of Trinoma. There is an open air section accessible from the TimeZone and Cinema areas intended to be a hub of restaurants. Currently, there's just Starbucks there. The best parts are the lighted pools with mist-blowers that weave through the plants! Wow! The effect is simply surreal at night! The pool banks have these mist blowers that blow the mist into the air, creating this foggy, smokey atmosphere. Complete with wooden bridges for crossing... Ang galing-galing! Date place! or perfect for Swimsuit competition! Check it out... mist turns off at 9pm i think so catch it early...

My Wards

They are all siblings, brothers & sisters of a brood of eleven. For a time, seven of them were in this halfway house. Now, four of them remain. They come from an impoverished part of laguna.

Their case is most unfortunate - their mom died in the hands of their alcoholic, abusive dad. Now he is in jail. All of them underwent abuse by their father. Their two eldest brothers became delinquents - one is in jail for being caught in possession of illegal substance, the other for pushing.

The worst happened to the youngest, Leo. Even as an unborn inside his mom's womb, his mom was being beaten up. His cognitive development is quite slow. But he remains a cheerful kid. Sam, the teen on the leftmost is the eldest of in this group. He composes songs and plays the guitar well. it's amazing how talented he could be. Unfortunately, he hasnt finished high school yet.

I visit them from time to time, just sharing the little time i have. Sometimes i bring them out for a Jollibee snack. Simple lang pero super appreciated. I only have mgg/migs to thank for them. Migs introduced me to the halfway house a few years back when he organized a treat for them. Migs divided the kids among us volunteer/adult so we will be big sister/brother to about two to three kids. That was how I met Leo - he was assigned to me (he was about 6 yrs old then). And i grew very fond of him I continued to visit after that fateful day.

I want to see them grow up and to challenge their background, their history. I know with enough support, both financial and emotional, they can overcome the obstacles. I hope I will be of some help. The Social Worker has been very grateful of my presence. And it makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside.

Creature Comforts

Got myself a driver. Major drain in my opex (operating expenses) but worth every centavo. i feel so relieved of the hassle of parking and of driving through traffic and of trying to stay awake while driving. I screen a few drivers based on the following specs: must be defensive driver, must know how to use cellphone for texting and calling. must be familiar with the streets of manila. must be amiable enough but not too talkative nor chismoso. must keep his mouth shut about his boss' affairs. i wanted to include gorgeous but i knew it was going to be difficult. I surveyed for rates of personal drivers and came up with an acceptable salary scheme. I screened them through a one-week trial process.

Just in case you are deciding to hire a driver, keep in mind some of the metrics I used. And again, I would endorse it, highly..

and to further complicate my life...

ive been getting messages from two previous playmates. one is swinger. equally attached guy with a very busy life. been wanting to schedule another playtime. though he is gwapo, my attraction to him has faded. so that one isnt too compelling. the other one is harder to resist - rock-hard afam. i really liked this guy a few months back (come on, i brought the guy to corregidor!!!) ... yes, kasi i am into afams, too. and he is above-average looking noh? but i felt that after a few trysts, he wasnt into me anymore so i stopped texting. bumped into him a couple of times in malate. managed to say hi. then suddenly, he tells me that he lost his phone and my number so he asked for it again. and he's been asking when we will see each other. man, if i say yes, this will be another hot one. and i miss that.

sheeet. just when i am into enigma, temptations start coming back.

*sabay comb ng hair.... long beautiful jet-black straight hair na parang ni-rebond or nagpa-salon*

hahaha

the Women at O Bar

last sat, my hi school friends, one blogger friend, partner and i stayed at O bar, malate. it was my second time there. i must say that it is a welcome before-bed venue. i saw a couple of fag hags surrounded by their queer friends. the first time i was there, one of the women just came up to hunky gogo boy and french-kissed him for a looong second. whoa!

this night, as the place was getting crowded, there was another lady dancing with her queer friends. she aint bad looking, she aint good looking either. hahaha. no actually pwede naman. then i saw her french-kissing one her friends (definitely a friend, definitely queer and NOT even good looking!!!!)

so what's happening, dudes and dudettes? why are women suddenly french-kissing gays and gogo boys? is their target market really disappearing now and they are actually 'making do' with the gays and gogo boys? is this desperation (pardon the term)?

weird thought, though. it suddenly popped into my head: i was wishing i was french-kissing this lady (not the gogo boy... that's a foregone conclusion!!!) its been a looong time since i've kissed another woman (as in lesbian context, di ba? hahaha). i wonder if i will get hard again.

male locker room talk

i maintain some gym buddies / acquaintances who are straight (though I sniff out a few who are not) and they treat me as somebody straight. we see each other regularly. they have been nice enough to let me in their group, inviting me to their lakads, with their wives and girlfriends (not all of them, though)

typical early morning gymfloor or locker room banter will revolve around working out, of course, who is cutting up or bulking up... supplements taken, effective techniques. on occasion, there would be the talk about babes. just like this morning.

some of the guys were talking about really hot promo girls they were interviewing. one whipped out his laptop and started showing us (yes, including me) the sexy pics of these women. admittedly, they were hot looking, sexy and alluring... all objectively, of course (harhar). i dont pretend to get turned on. but i laugh with them as they made their jokes (eto pare, kita yung panty...)

i didnt stay too long. couldnt stand it anymore. i mean, once ive seen one pic, ive seen 'em all.

i like this occasional 'male bonding' rituals. makes me feel 'accepted'. increases my 'macho appeal' hahaha. sometimes after such conversation, i'd head on down to the sauna and get my c**k s**kd off. hahaha.

my advice to fellow-closet keepers: relax and enjoy the male talk. dont be too stiff though. that's a dead giveaway. RELAX

conversation with partner: exploring 'open'

i had a good conversation with partner over the phone. i was carefully exploring the idea of opening up the relationship, because of the distance... though i was scared at first, because he has a quite a temper, he was surprisingly calm and objective as we discussed the possibilities.

i was glad i was able to 'air' out my difficulty with the arrangement. that i have needs that can't be addressed because of his absence. and i recognize that those needs are not just sexual in nature, these include the need to be with someone on a day-to-day basis, something that we had for five years before circumstances changed. and he accepted them. and he felt that maybe we should consider opening it up. but he gave me some conditions - (1) be discrete. let it be my secret, not to be introduced to our mutual friends. (2) nothing serious. understand that i shouldnt fall in love. (3) prioritize him. partner comes first. whenever partner is around, i should put him first above all.

yikes. i have violated conditions one and two. some of our mutual friends know enigma already. why couldnt i be discrete? i blame it on my need for a constant companion and bragging rights. yeah. selfish bragging rights. i wanted to show enigma off and get 'affirmed', envied in the process. that chika factor.

condition three stays. whenever he is in manila, communication with enigma is put on hold. i devote my attention to him. and even if partner is in the province, his calls get answered, even if i happen to be with enigma.

i know it hursts enigma. i feel guilty, angry at myself for subjecting him to this. but for now, i cannot do anything. i've asked enigma whether he could still bear it. yes, he still can. i dont know how much longer.

so will opening up work for us? no, not based on his conditions, sigh.

labels, labels

had fun watching the stand-up comics at a comedy bar a few nights ago. funny the hosts, in full female regalia, were discussing the on-line labels PLU's have been using especially in G4M:

bi
straight-acting
discreet
curious
tripper

i found it so hilarious that our online personas have such various characterizations and that these may be so far-removed from reality. i mean really.. some people are just clueless about what these terms mean:

bi - dito eh kailangan ng pruweba na pumapatol (present tense) sa parehong kasarian
pag straight-acting : parang awa niyo na... hindi kasama dito ang kasing lamya ni ate gay
discreet - di ka discreet kung naka funda ka or mas mataray pa ang sashay mo kay lola naomi campbell
curious - ang curious, kailangan i-persuade, ligawan bago bumigay. hindi tumatambay ng g4m para masatisfy ang curiousity
tripper - kapatid, umamin ka na. kung trip mo yun. eh ganun ka nga, no! by definishun

yun lang.

meant to be alone?

interesting anonymous comment

"i am entertained reading this yet i feel sad because i think you are meant to live your life alone. all your future partners and enigmas will leave you for being like this and these fleeting ^^moments^^ will be your only company. they'll go on and on and yet there'll be nothing more, nothing less."

made me look at my love life in perspective. ive had about a dozen lovers in my history, ranging from a short 3 mos to my present 7 yrs. before current partner, ive had a relationship which i consider a 'great love'. i was still in my early 20's then. he was 7 years my senior. he was gwapo, as classically handsome as they come - smiling eyes, great nose, angular jaw, though not short nor buff.

his friend and my friend were dating. our barkada was merging with theirs. and we were all going out as a group. i had a crush on him 1st time i met him, kaso he was dating another guy then. we hit it off, though, primarily because of a shared sense of humor.

he was a banker rising up the ranks. i was starting my career. the barkada went to baguio that january. and we just naturally stuck together during the trip. turns out he wasnt serious about the guy he was dating. and we formalized the relationship before leaving for manila.

after a year of bliss, really beautiful sharing (of course we had our share of fights), he got an offer to go abroad. he accepted it, telling me that it would only be a year. i agreed to the LDR (long distance relationship), primarily because i wanted to play around. but i had difficulty coping with distance. (i got to visit him there, though) when one year was up, he decided to renew... and i decided to break up. i was alone, again.

funny how my situation with partner is closely mirroring my previous one. after 5 years of wedded bliss, living together, he accepted the out-of-town post, supposedly for one year. yes he regularly comes to manila (a weekend a month). yet i get really lonely and depressed. it has now been two years of LDR with partner. and i feel it would stretch on.

i have been contemplating on calling it quits. LDR's dont work for me. i just end up cheating on him. this time, with enigma, before it was with others, not counting the playmates. totally unfair, i know. i beat myself up for this. but i dont know how to do it. i dont know how he will react. i dont know if i really want to let go. so many things i dont know.

a side note.. enigma is working on his papers to go abroad in two years. so even if i do get it on with him, he'll eventually leave and i will have to break it up because LDR's dont work for me.

a pattern emerges... maybe i was meant to be alone? my greatest loves have careers that take them away from me. sheesh. i'm such a drama queen.

it shoes (for me)

this is a sample of the it shoes for this season: brown-hued leather sneakers, designed to look sporty. they must look like rubber shoes or sneakers but in tan or chocolate or anything in between. saw this nice pair at adidas. color is so cool. but i purchased a lacoste pair. so comfortable. looks great and different with its velcro straps.

Enjoying Alone Time

I am welcoming this time alone. Ive complicated my life and relationships so much i just need this time without no.1 or 2. Been so long since ive been in cebu on a saturday afternoon. Not that its so different. Am in the mall, and so are they. I liked my late lunch of calamares and lumpiang sariwa. Perfect after my workout at the fitness here, which offers the same buffet. Perfect also after releasing some more 'energy' c/o the oral acrobatics of a nameless young chinito.

Time alone

lobby thoughts

hanging out at the waterfront lahug lobby on a saturday morning. partner has just left, has gone back to his place of duty. have to stay for some additional work. *sigh*

enigma has been very busy lately. but he tries to get in touch. kaso i dont dare answer the phone when partner is around. i sneaked a conversation last night. he didnt sound too happy to hear from me. questioning the status, the set-up. still not used to this. then he lightens up. napa-praning rin ako. i dont know if he'll just snap and become my worst nightmare, a stalker threatening to just blow open everything, affecting my work (i still am in the closet, remember?)

meanwhile, i spent a great time with partner. was trying to drop hints and there of 'playing around', of changing circumstances, of accepting how relationship evolve. i dont know if he's biting. all in the vague and hazy.

had great sex with him. been quite some time. partner really knows where my buttons are. comfortable can be great, too.

but horny little devil that i am, i am thinking whether i should call a 'friend' based in cebu. 'friend' was a playmate during a visit to cebu last year. shrimp category: great body. wild in bed. love the way he closes his eyes as he plays with member with his mouth and tongue. so into it. getting hard in the middle of the lobby. ;)

bad boy. lustful thoughts. better not. i did tell enigma i was going to be faithful. something wrong with that - i will stay faithful to my mistress.

in this same lobby, enigma's x-boyfriend broke up with him two years ago. crazy guy brought him all the way to cebu from manila, supposedly as part of an entire birthday gift for him (including fitness first membership, major party, etc). then upon arrival in the hotel, while waiting for their room, dumps him. that's his trauma. had not gotten involved with anybody since supposedly. till now.

tomorrow i will be back in manila. enigma's turn this time.

temple drive

i just love this place. clubhouse of corinthian hills, temple drive, right across the Mormon temple. so close to home yet with that 'OL' or overlooking view i love. notice though the tricycles at the foot of the steps. kinda ruins the moment for me. surprised there are tricycles in the area. i figure that the employees of the commercial establishments use these for their commute. kaso, they hang out on the steps and chatter. yun lang.

partner time

I am spending a few days with partner out of town. Seeing him again yesterday brought back the warm and fuzzy feeling. First time for us to be in Queen City of the South. We went around and had a good time. Being with him is being at home… comfortable. It’s comfort coming from having been together for quite some time. Comfort from the shared memories, shared favorites. Comfortable because we weren’t arguing. And he seemed not to be in any combative mood.

Blogging has made me an observer of my own life. I catch myself looking at me, looking at my emotions, eager to translate this into words I could post.

Here I was, holding hands with my partner in a cab downtown. Then I remember I was just with Enigma earlier, in the same intimate pose as I left for the airport. Two different hands. Two different people. I love them in two different ways.

One is like that pair of shorts or that shirt you just cant consign to the trash bin. You love that piece of clothing, no matter what people say. You lounge in it, do probably nothing and everything in it.

The other one is the must-have of the season, the it-bag or accessory. you fantasized about it and finally, its in your hands. you just love the way it feels or looks on you. and wouldnt you want to be seen with it??

with the way i describe it, i am sure there are conclusions to be made... soon the trend changes, the fashion becomes passe. the must-have becomes so yesterday.

and i will go back to the familiar, to the comfortable.

but since these are people, not shirts or accessories... i cannot make such conclusions so hastily

enigma continues to enthrall me. i discover more sweetness.
or he might just get tired of this arrangement and opt out.
partner himself grows and changes. we have had less arguments, more intimacy.
partner may not be here to come back to. this thing might blow up in my face and he'll just leave me cold.

hay... never as simple... me and my complicated life.

first fight

Enigma: Galit ko cyo
CC: Y? Wat did i do?

i tried calling several times. Dropped all my calls.

E: I hate you. dnt call me.
CC: I just wanna know y u hate me so suddenly
E: Bad ka kc
CC: Wat did i do?
E: Kc bad k my iba ka pa
CC: Wat? F Cors not!
E: Kanino k ng love you?
CC: K partner! d ko pinakita cyo kasi yun ang usapan natin.
E: Pero nakta ko n s iba un. Kaw talaga
CC: I can show u my sent msgs. I kno its hard to trust me but i swear der s no 1 els.
E: Ok. 9:18pm yun

Context:
saturday afternoon was spent in a mall and eventually proceeding to badminton court to play with friends. had a great time. enigma was so sweet and thoughtful. went to the condo to shower up... and take our first shower together... that was heavenly, despite running late for dinner appointment.

on the way to drop him off, partner texted me. i replied with 'love you, etc...' which he saw me typing. he asked about it but i promptly hid it, mindful of not hurting him.

he thought i was texting 'love you' to someone else. and that set him off.

we saw each other last night. i have to admit i was shocked and hurt at the 'i hate you' text. and i told him about it. he didnt apologize but he really made it a point to clarify where he was coming from. and he was already malambing after. i asked him three times: "do you hate me?" he would always answer with head bow low, and a sincere 'no'.

everything went back to normal since... :)

Mushrooms at the window sill

I have this small wooden block on my window sill. I used it as a stopper to keep my window open. With the constant rain, it has become damp fertile ground for mushroom spores. Amazing what the winds carry even at 9 floors up, in highly polluted MMla!
Dead wood supports new life. Never dismiss things as dead! Hmmm. Monday morning inertia...