friendships: for better or for worse

i've been in the blues lately. cough and colds season may be partly to blame.

but it started after a post christmas celebration with former business school classmates. it has been four years after graduation and we have remained in touch; we have remained friends. i must admit though, that during some of our previous get-togethers, i end up feeling low, just like last saturday.

that group is quite diverse: two PLU's, three ladies (two married), a father-figure (50+ male). the straights outnumber the PLUs.

i am so open to them, though we don't see each other regularly. and they know all that has happened with partner, with enigma. and i blame myself now for being so open.

they explicitly disapprove of my philandering ways. but they still enjoy the chika, they enjoy being entertained by my life's twists and turns. but when it comes to comments, it still bites when they tell you masama ka kasi may mga sinasaktan ka, masama kang tao. in my life, this group represents the moral majority, the conservative party. and i am again questioning whether i belong.

i have other groups of friends who disagree with my ways but i don't feel 'condemned', like the way i feel now. and always, those friendships leave me with a refreshing feeling after the happening, after the activity. sadly, i don't feel as refreshed with this group.

are friendships supposed to always feel warm and fuzzy? are encounters with friends supposed to always be refreshing, energizing, fulfilling? or is it selfish for me to expect that? maybe friendships will sometimes make you feel down, make you feel low, or make you feel small?

one of them actually asked me what my self-concept was now that i was barraged with all those negative labels. i lied and told him i wasnt affected. i just didnt want to dampen the spirit of the affair. but i was... and i still am affected.

i confided in a friend from way, way back. his answer: why do you get affected? why do you need their approval anyway?

i guess i do need their approval because i consider them my friends. i'd like my friends to appreciate me, to like me and to accept/approve me. is it so sophomoric to think this way? maybe.

Weddings and other corporate affairs

A colleague getting married. An important colleague. Absence not an option. So I am here waiting for my turn at the buffet table. Ultimately, this social event is really a business meeting. Before the Mass, some policies are discussed. At the cocktails, strategies are explained. So if you know what's good for you and your career, you wouldn't dare miss these functions!

new year fabcast 1

cc invited fabcasters migs, mcvie, gibbs, tony, aj to his humble abode to do a new year fabcast. it was a riot, a riot cc enjoyed immensely! they invited tenchu, a young blogger with ahmmm issues he wanted discussed. the disparate points of view covered such a spectrum cc felt he was watching Debate! hihihi enjoy part 1!

Download this episode (right click and save)

movies then and now

been saving this thought about movie dramas (which I like). i was able to get a copy of "on golden pond" (1981, henry fonda, katherine hepburn, jane fonda) and enjoyed myself immensely watching the film. another film i would like to see again is "ordinary people" (1980, mary tyler moore, timothy hutton)

i realized how movies back then focused intensely on a few characters, seeing how their lives interact, the emotions played out in detail. with the success of "babel" and "crash", i couldnt help but contrast how these films feature multiple characters on different planes, snapshots of intense emotions or lack of it, fast pacing.

i guess this is a reflection of the times. the world is just moving too fast now, individual realities are intertwined with global events. boundaries are shattered. lives collide. big picture scenarios happen.

the challenge is how to balance life: a rich, interior, introspective life lived with the people around us and a vibrant, global world of connectivity, space and time notwithstanding.

private show

boredom came early this year... very early. partner and i were out till 5am Jan 1, partying in malate. hmmm. not as many people as last year. going to bed malate after the new year celebrations has become a ritual for our barkada. for the past two years, partner was always out, so i was 'a swinging single'. hihihi

this year, i was behaved. though partner would tease me about 'take home', i chose to restrain myself. i noticed though, that there were some cute guys around - literally cute because they had nice faces and they were uhmm, vertically challenged. ang liliit nila. not that height matters to me. im just surprised that the combination of 'gwapo and maliit' were a-plenty that night.

jan 1 afternoon was slow for us. i blogged a bit. peeked into g4m chat. then partner and i went out for dinner. not too many restos opened. but the few were packed. so many people were just eating out after the revelry!

partner was talking over the mobile to a friend. i teased them about dropping by adonis or gigolo for some laswaan. then partner and i took the discussion seriously. i suggested a twist - why not invite a guy to do a private show instead? we'd probably be spending the same amount of money for a guy. at least we dont have to sit through mindless tranny entertainment or the 'suggestive selling' of a baklang mamasan or some boring dance routines of ugly performers.

so i very quickly fixed up our impromptu new year party cum private show. in my mind, i couldnt believe it will actually push through. but it did!!!

we were able to hire a part-time indie-film actor, courtesy of a friend in showbiz. i had to fetch the guy in Makati and bring him to QC. we were a group of 7 gels, all huddled in the living room of a friend's condo. i played dj and had to choose songs that played LOOONG for we were limited to three dance numbers only.

we were drinking vodka, munching on some boy bawangs as actor prepared himself. then as i played the song, he would come out and dance in characteristic macho dancing...

gwapo siya. body was not developed... his private was something to boast about! he stripped totally on the third song and displayed everything in full glory (more of half-mast. mukhang hirap siya!) but his face... pang pelikula talaga.

he didnt stay after the performance. some of us felt that he should have done more (jerk off till he comes) but he didnt look like the type. we should get somebody who's really into that currently.

but i had tons of fun. a private show with a good-looking indie actor, a party put together in 3 hours on new year's day... NOT BAD!

happy new year!

back to chat

i used to chat a lot, about 10 years or more ago. when it was still dial-up. when mIRC was the hook-up place and there was gay manila. i'd sneak off and chat during lunch hours. sometimes at night. got to meet some nice people online. one became an offline friend then. my bf and i then would try to meet up with cute guys BUT unfortunately, we never had much luck. they were always better looking virtually!

after a year or two, kinda became bored with it. and i never found much use for it.

till now.

cc discovered g4m chatroom and was amazed at how much chatting has changed. well with g4m XXX chat, you can now indulge your voyeuristic fantasies. there's always somebody jerking off to a webcam. and some brave souls who actually show their faces. and certainly, it is not just a chatroom, it has become alternative entertainment. nakakatawa how the chatters react to the webcam images. some just drool over what they see. some make nasty, funny comments. and these online entertainers are so eager to please. "tanggalin mo na yan" "ilabas mo na"...

and i remain impressed that some of them seem to have three hands: one to jerk off and the others for typing on the keyboard!

so even as i write this post, i am eagerly awaiting the 'cuming' of cuteprep and what janssen will do next!

cc has re-discovered an ancient preoccupation for the new year. does that mean Ill be doing this for the rest of the year? i wont be surprised...