kagagaling ko lang sa inuman sa opisina. konti lang ang na-inom ko. pero feeling may-amats ako. eto ako ngayon, kumakain ng peras. craving ko sana chocolate kaso tataba ako. kaya peras na lang.
lumalakas ang patak ng ulan. ang ingay ng tama sa aircon.
parang nag-iinit ako kaso wala naman akong katabi. hmm. balikan ko na lang yung aking booking nung sabado. sa tagal kong nag-diet sa alam-mo-na, parang ang sarap-sarap na may kalaro. cute siya, kamukha ni oyo boy. gustong gusto ko yung accent niyang bisaya. malambing. kaya naman sa halikan palang, palaban na. sarap halikan ng kanyang labi! di nakakasawa! hahaha
at hanep sa performance. subo kung subo. parang kumakain ng pinakamasarap na putahe. nakapikit pa tapos titignan ako na parang masayang masaya siya sa ginagawa niya. sus! napapaliyad ako sa bawat subo, at ramdam na ramdam ko ang dila niyang mapaglaro.
act 1 pa lang yon. di rin tumagal ay pinadama ko na sa kanyang gusto kong pasukin siya. pinahiga ko siya sa kanyang tiyan at pumatong ako. gustong gusto niyang hinahalikan ko ang batok niya at kinakagat kagat,habang nararamdaman niya aking ari sa kanyang biluging puwet. at nung handa na siya ako naman ang pinahiga niya. mas gusto niyang siya ang uupo sa akin. para kontrolado ang pagpasok at maiwan ang sakit.
nahirapan siya nung umpisa ngunit di rin nagtagal at alam kong enjoy na siya. nasubukan namin ang ibat-ibang paraan ngunit da best talaga pag siya na aking nakahiga at nakataas ang mga paa. paborito kong posisyon yun! gustong gusto ko kasing hinahalikan siya habang tuloy tuloy ang labas pasok. at nakikita ko siyang nagsasariling sikap, sinasabayan ang aking mga galaw.
hanggang di na niya mapigilan, at ako rin... at sabay na kaming nilamon ng kaligayahan.
yan ang gusto ko sa kanya. kampante na kami sa isa't-isa kaya enjoy lang ng enjoy.
sige mga tol. pahinga na ako. sinabayan ko na rin ang pagblog ko. hahahaha
Friday, October 30, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
another triumph
Dear Diary,
I'm getting the hang of this! I've done it again. Expressed my feelings despite my fears. With no expectations. The honesty was appreciated. And again, it was liberating for me. Playing this pakiramdaman game was so tiring and ultimately, hurtful. Hopefully, Diary, I'll be always this way. I'll be straightforward and not beat around the bush.
I believe that by being honest especially about liking people, i affirm them. a natural consequence of doing things with love. again, not expecting anything out of the disclosure. except that they realize that they are special people.
I feel great. :)
I'm getting the hang of this! I've done it again. Expressed my feelings despite my fears. With no expectations. The honesty was appreciated. And again, it was liberating for me. Playing this pakiramdaman game was so tiring and ultimately, hurtful. Hopefully, Diary, I'll be always this way. I'll be straightforward and not beat around the bush.
I believe that by being honest especially about liking people, i affirm them. a natural consequence of doing things with love. again, not expecting anything out of the disclosure. except that they realize that they are special people.
I feel great. :)
expressing myself, finally
Dear Diary,
im proud of myself. i went out again with this uber-crush of mine, who happens to be very much attached. another non-date with him. i was surprised to receive a friendly text message from him this morning. i thought we have permanently lost touch with each other. well, on my end, it was quite deliberate not to continue communication. he remains in a relationship anyway.
but that text message quickly became a meet-up, only because i did say i was going to treat him for his birthday. but since i was wearing a different attitude this time, i wanted to stop playing coy with him and just be honest about how i feel for him. i just became tired of yet another date where we both are acting as if he doesnt know how special he is to me. so i was gathering enough courage to say it during the non-date. but i never got the chance.
coming home from the non-date, i suddenly felt that i still should express myself, if only through text. and after thanking him for a lovely time, i finally told him how i felt ...
'just delete this after reading. ive always wanted to say that you are such a great guy. if you were available, i would have fallen hard for you. so there, i just wanted to say it. no reply needed. good night!'
i still got a reply: three smileys. and that for me is enough. it is already liberating to have expressed how i felt. if he decides not to see me anymore, im fine with that. i feel really good and warm inside, knowing that i've managed to express myself, finally.
good night!
im proud of myself. i went out again with this uber-crush of mine, who happens to be very much attached. another non-date with him. i was surprised to receive a friendly text message from him this morning. i thought we have permanently lost touch with each other. well, on my end, it was quite deliberate not to continue communication. he remains in a relationship anyway.
but that text message quickly became a meet-up, only because i did say i was going to treat him for his birthday. but since i was wearing a different attitude this time, i wanted to stop playing coy with him and just be honest about how i feel for him. i just became tired of yet another date where we both are acting as if he doesnt know how special he is to me. so i was gathering enough courage to say it during the non-date. but i never got the chance.
coming home from the non-date, i suddenly felt that i still should express myself, if only through text. and after thanking him for a lovely time, i finally told him how i felt ...
'just delete this after reading. ive always wanted to say that you are such a great guy. if you were available, i would have fallen hard for you. so there, i just wanted to say it. no reply needed. good night!'
i still got a reply: three smileys. and that for me is enough. it is already liberating to have expressed how i felt. if he decides not to see me anymore, im fine with that. i feel really good and warm inside, knowing that i've managed to express myself, finally.
good night!
Sunday, October 25, 2009
oscillations
i still struggle with the idea of casual sex versus my catholic faith. hence, i oscillate between phases of celiba-cc and pure indulgence. coming from the long weeks of celiba-cc, i am in an indulgent phase again.
fasting makes feasting so wonderful. so much pent-up desire results in award-winning performances and mind-blowing climax.
but cc is also changing. ive noticed that the pull of anonymous sex has weakened much. i havent indulged in that at all for months now. what used to be a temptation that i literally have to extricate myself from, has become a simple 'i-could-just-walk-away' situation.
casual sex is enjoyed now with 'friends'. i wouldn't even call them fubus. my understanding of a fubu is so transactional, even sports-like in engagement. i cannot enjoy sex that way. i need familiarity, attraction and loads of intimacy even after the sex, which i could only accomplish with 'friends'. so far, there's been a few who would willingly enjoy that with me. but some, i feel, expect more though they do not express it. there's this one person who doesnt seem to care about those things. i feel the genuine attraction and infatuation, even. but he knows his place.
he is one of those i enjoy sex intensely. he is such a willing giver. and he reserves the receptacle role for cc (or so he claims, though i feel truth to the claim, a tightness to the claim.) and the fact that there are no expectations yet much intimacy is the best.
as i turn the page on the search for TOFM, i'm thinking that this arrangement would be so ideal. as i express my love in my other relationships and stop needing a romantic one, i am also able to express my sexuality, glory in it with 'friends'.
but this ideal state was not the compromise situation i have arranged between my faith and me. and the guilt slowly creeps in. soon enough, i will be back to a phase of celiba-cc. and the cycle starts all over again.
fasting makes feasting so wonderful. so much pent-up desire results in award-winning performances and mind-blowing climax.
but cc is also changing. ive noticed that the pull of anonymous sex has weakened much. i havent indulged in that at all for months now. what used to be a temptation that i literally have to extricate myself from, has become a simple 'i-could-just-walk-away' situation.
casual sex is enjoyed now with 'friends'. i wouldn't even call them fubus. my understanding of a fubu is so transactional, even sports-like in engagement. i cannot enjoy sex that way. i need familiarity, attraction and loads of intimacy even after the sex, which i could only accomplish with 'friends'. so far, there's been a few who would willingly enjoy that with me. but some, i feel, expect more though they do not express it. there's this one person who doesnt seem to care about those things. i feel the genuine attraction and infatuation, even. but he knows his place.
he is one of those i enjoy sex intensely. he is such a willing giver. and he reserves the receptacle role for cc (or so he claims, though i feel truth to the claim, a tightness to the claim.) and the fact that there are no expectations yet much intimacy is the best.
as i turn the page on the search for TOFM, i'm thinking that this arrangement would be so ideal. as i express my love in my other relationships and stop needing a romantic one, i am also able to express my sexuality, glory in it with 'friends'.
but this ideal state was not the compromise situation i have arranged between my faith and me. and the guilt slowly creeps in. soon enough, i will be back to a phase of celiba-cc. and the cycle starts all over again.
the villa fabcast (i left na. but give it a listen anyway. hehehe)
Listen: (34 mins 49 sec)
Download this fabcast (right click and save - 33.4 MB)
[1] I left before this part so i'm actually clueless on how this ended.
[2] Music credit: "Boys & Girls" by the Pet Shop Boys.
sunday mass inspiration
what i love about attending mass during sundays is that i get these inspirational messages contemplating on His word. in my emo mode, i pray dearly, keep quiet and just wait for inspiration.
today, the message was 'acts of love, done lovingly' and 'do the everyday tasks with love.'
i was telling Him about this lonely, achy feeling. then i realized that focusing on what i lack, on this emptiness, will just feed on itself and cause me to descend deeper into emo-ness. i was pining for the love-high, that thrill, that rush to happen again. the message for me was that the love-feeling can also come from doing acts of love. again and again, love is an action verb. for me to 'feel the love', i should 'love', express my love to the people around. i should see how a thoughtful hug, or a little token brings smiles to faces. or just spending time and chatting could mean a world of difference. doing these acts of love, with love in my heart, always brings the love feeling... well, maybe its not that love-high, but certainly affirming and wonderful still.
its the behavior and attitude that will spell the difference.
beyond that, the task of living our lives everyday also become sources of love-feelings. maybe just typing that memo, being in that meeting with colleagues, all these activities could be done lovingly, with a conscious effort to send out love through such mundane tasks. you become aware that the things you do communicate. and it can communicate love, love of work, concern for each other, concern for customers and clients. it also becomes some of yardstick for good behavior. aware that you are doing these tasks and activities with love, you hesitate to be cynical or critical. you become open to opinions while being honest and diplomatic.
to get rid of these lonesomeness, do the act of love, do the everyday tasks with love. it comes back to you...
today, the message was 'acts of love, done lovingly' and 'do the everyday tasks with love.'
i was telling Him about this lonely, achy feeling. then i realized that focusing on what i lack, on this emptiness, will just feed on itself and cause me to descend deeper into emo-ness. i was pining for the love-high, that thrill, that rush to happen again. the message for me was that the love-feeling can also come from doing acts of love. again and again, love is an action verb. for me to 'feel the love', i should 'love', express my love to the people around. i should see how a thoughtful hug, or a little token brings smiles to faces. or just spending time and chatting could mean a world of difference. doing these acts of love, with love in my heart, always brings the love feeling... well, maybe its not that love-high, but certainly affirming and wonderful still.
its the behavior and attitude that will spell the difference.
beyond that, the task of living our lives everyday also become sources of love-feelings. maybe just typing that memo, being in that meeting with colleagues, all these activities could be done lovingly, with a conscious effort to send out love through such mundane tasks. you become aware that the things you do communicate. and it can communicate love, love of work, concern for each other, concern for customers and clients. it also becomes some of yardstick for good behavior. aware that you are doing these tasks and activities with love, you hesitate to be cynical or critical. you become open to opinions while being honest and diplomatic.
to get rid of these lonesomeness, do the act of love, do the everyday tasks with love. it comes back to you...
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