Body Dysmorphia 2025 edition

At the close of 2024, I was loathing how my body remains as undesirable as when I started the year.  And to think, the work circumstance that I have blamed as the sole reason for this figure changed around early July. All the reasons for stress eating disappeared with the new role. 

I did make some progress from that time till October. I lost 4 pounds. But November personal activities and the December Holiday bingeing put brakes on all that. And I quickly gained back what I lost. 

So I am back where I started, back to making resolutions for 2025. 

But I am putting my money where my mouth is. I am investing in fitness with this elliptical machine purchase. And maybe, just maybe, I can sustain the caloric deficit needed to get rid of the belly and other unwanted fat. Why an elliptical machine? My knees and other joints can't take the impact of running anymore. As much as I enjoyed running outdoors previously, I couldn't do this anymore without hurting myself (and suffering for days). I just do walking nowadays. But I can't sustain the brisk walking needed to bring my heart rate up.  

Oh and did I mention that I have osteoporosis? A little slip from running can lead to a bone fracture. 

I just want to feel good about myself again by fitting into my old clothes… or by not seeing and feeling this Buddha belly.  Here is my nth attempt. Sigh.

Sunset of My Career

I have started counting down the days to my retirement from corporate life. I will be looking back at a career of 40 years, spent mostly in pharma marketing. 

Wasn’t it just yesterday when I was a graduate listening to the speech of Pres Cory Aquino? After 2 years of being a fledgling university instructor, there was the stint at the ad agency, then with a project of the DOH. Then finally landing in pharma marketing, with all the highs and lows of a career in marketing. 

I have fared well, methinks. I would like to believe that I have created value, tangible and intangible in that time span. I have built a Pinoy brand from zero, benefiting millions of Filipinos at risk of developing nerve problems. I have contributed to many other brands’ successful campaigns. I have managed and supervised  hundreds of people. I have taught and trained hundreds more. And I have made many decisions, good and bad. I have learned from all of them.

I wish I could mouth off life lessons spontaneously. But I can’t. I lack that ability to distill into verbalized learnings my experiences. So I won’t be writing any Tuesdays with CC anytime soon.

Though I have reached that point of financial stability, I still worry about how to sustain living (and lifestyle) after that last paycheck. One medical emergency can be debilitating to the savings. Real non-cash assets may not easily convert to cash when needed. Income from leases may not always be regular. The worrywart in me can paint so many dire scenarios. At one point, I wanted to pursue a doctorate degree. But that would be a drain on my savings. 

Hence, total rest post-retirement may not be an option. I am entertaining a return to the academe, teaching and research with a side hustle of corporate training & development.

But definitely, I want a break from this corporate life. I’d like to wrestle back control of my time, of my life and be answerable to myself (largely). 

So much has happened in my life that has left me exhausted but fulfilled. Yet so much more will happen, I can imagine. But I’ll stop imagining for now. Let me just end this by saying that eventually, “Corporate Closet” will totally disappear. No longer in the closet. No longer corporate. 

Pagpili ng Bigas and Coming Out

I’m so happy to share a new acquisition: this still life by Ray Gomez. 

I’ve been looking for a hyper-realistic still life but featuring food or food items for a long time. I wanted this to adorn the living/dining of the halfway home (Manda condo). For a while, I was looking for seafood or fish as subject, even galunggong or tinapa. I even took this pic. And I wanted to commission an artist to render this. 

Art pieces featuring Still life not very common lately. So I have been on the lookout for years now. And finally, a trip to a gallery in EDSA Shangrila yielded this beauty by Ray Gomez. And the subject - bigas (rice grains) in a bilao strikes a chord on my heart strings.

I was a freshman in UP when a series of events led to my coming out to my mom. It was a particularly hot Saturday afternoon. And she was in the kitchen, in front of a bilao of bigas such as this, cleaning the grains of tiny stones and black grains as she talked to me. She calmly asked me about my friends, whether they were … 

“…gay, Nanay, yes they are… we are all gay.” I finished the sentence for her. 

Pause. Deep breath. “Are you okay with it? Do you want to seek counseling?” She asked.

“No need for that, Nanay. Not anymore. I would have wanted that before. But I am ok now. I am relieved that you already know.”

The conversation went on about how she accepts me and loves me, no matter what I am. And how she still wants me to have a relationship with Jesus.

I look at this piece and I am taken back to that time, a time when I felt how lovingly Nanay accepted me, her gay first son. The humble task of “Pagpipili ng bigas” will always be special to me.

Answered Prayers

After Typhoon Carina, I’m off to the beach house. Not that I need the break due to work stress. Actually, work has been light ever since the announcement of the new role in the company. I truly believe this unexpected turn of events is Divine Providence at work. I have been conversing with God about my struggles with my previous role. I have been praying for strength to bear it for the next years, until my retirement.

The stress of my work then came from so many sources. The politics. The many foundational, organizational changes underway. The ongoing challenges of running those business and chasing targets. The bureaucracies that are in place. The inherent late-night wining and dining requirements. 

My new role is like an answer to most of those  mentioned above. And now that I’m in transition, I am at my lightest load level. But this will soon change, perhaps at end of Q3, I will feel the intense pressure of the new role. Nevertheless, I won’t be subjected to the stress of the politics and dynamics of the previous role. 

For the past two weeks, I have been able to hit my 7-hour sleep goal every night! I have been regularly working out AND have been able to stick to a calorie-restricted meal plan. I am getting back my sense of control of my health and my life. 

Baby steps, CC.

To Embrace or To Fight

 I’m in my worst body shape. I can no longer hide this protruding belly, this muffin-top. And everybody is noticing. “CC, what happened? *points at the belly You used to be so slim and fit! Did you stop working out?”

What happened? My new role happened. A stressful new role with uneven working hours, lots of m-eatings and client dine-outs. Late worknights. Performance pressure. Office politics. And more stress-eating! The joy of biting into complex carbohydrates (cakes, pastries and chocolate!). 

What happened? I lost the will to control my diet and to work out regularly, no matter what. Is it a function of age? Or is this lack of discipline some late-life character flaw?

Thank heavens for c3, for being the supportive shoulder to cry on, that listening ear. And I bet he feels helpless as I rant.

I hate seeing full body pics of myself. Hell, even my face has bloated! This self-loathing also is reason I have not cut my hair. I’m just letting it grow wavy and wild, with all the grey hair. I just don’t feel like going back to short, clean-cut style which will emphasize my HUGE face. So I hate how I look even more. 

Is this the start of dysmorphia depression? This feeling that I don’t want to work. I just want to lie down this Wednesday morning. 

As I ascribe all these to my current role, at the back of my mind, I tell myself that once I retire (in less than 2yrs), I will be able to take back control.

But am I being realistic thinking I could still ‘fight’ this? Could I really still find the will to be disciplined, even when I finally retire? Or as I go towards Senior Citizenship, should I finally embrace this fatbod fully and gracefully and be at peace with it? Should I stop torturing myself and proudly tell people that I love this body as I love eating? 

I wonder…

Holy Week 2024

Sibling bonding time

Happy to have my siblings and their spouses as guests at the beach house last Holy Monday to Holy Wednesday. I happen to be on a week-long break, mandatory. I drove to Zambales on Palm Sunday afternoon. It was an easy, pleasant drive on the Mini, with a stop for lunch and coffee.

My two Manila-based sisters and their husbands arrived the following day. This is their third time vacationing here. Too bad, c3 couldn’t join this time. It is always such a pleasure hanging out with them, reminiscing our childhood, Marites updates on everybody else. Highlights were the sunsets and full moon watching, the 80s jazz nostalgia and the karaoke, of course. 

We all went back to Manila yesterday. But I had to be driven by James, as I lost my contact lenses. Meanwhile, James actually resigned as my driver a day before. But since he had to get his stuff from the house, he agreed to drive for me. Poor guy’s pregnant wife is at risk of a difficult birth, with the baby already showing some congenital abnormality. 

So it’s back to being driverless, and staying at the Pasig condo for most of the workweek. I’ll try to make use of those nights to minimize dinner meals (and lose weight). Today, March 28, 2024 is Day One, Holy Thursday.

I need to lose weight and fat before my Executive Check-up. I’m not gunning for my previous weight. Just some few pounds and inches off till May. So help me God.

Libido’s been in check lately. Though I’d still want to hook up should an opportunity come. No opportunities coming my way lately. I don’t want to go back to Grindring. That app is a rabbit-hole that’s full of rejection and bruised (bashed) egos. Been 469 days since I deleted the app (been counting up haha).

I’ve also started the countdown to retirement: 732 days. So looking forward to that. But until that time, I remain cc - corporate captive (couldn’t use ‘slave’ LOL). And I will just have to savor these breaks in between the salt mines.