I’m in my worst body shape. I can no longer hide this protruding belly, this muffin-top. And everybody is noticing. “CC, what happened? *points at the belly You used to be so slim and fit! Did you stop working out?”
What happened? My new role happened. A stressful new role with uneven working hours, lots of m-eatings and client dine-outs. Late worknights. Performance pressure. Office politics. And more stress-eating! The joy of biting into complex carbohydrates (cakes, pastries and chocolate!).
What happened? I lost the will to control my diet and to work out regularly, no matter what. Is it a function of age? Or is this lack of discipline some late-life character flaw?
Thank heavens for c3, for being the supportive shoulder to cry on, that listening ear. And I bet he feels helpless as I rant.
I hate seeing full body pics of myself. Hell, even my face has bloated! This self-loathing also is reason I have not cut my hair. I’m just letting it grow wavy and wild, with all the grey hair. I just don’t feel like going back to short, clean-cut style which will emphasize my HUGE face. So I hate how I look even more.
Is this the start of dysmorphia depression? This feeling that I don’t want to work. I just want to lie down this Wednesday morning.
As I ascribe all these to my current role, at the back of my mind, I tell myself that once I retire (in less than 2yrs), I will be able to take back control.
But am I being realistic thinking I could still ‘fight’ this? Could I really still find the will to be disciplined, even when I finally retire? Or as I go towards Senior Citizenship, should I finally embrace this fatbod fully and gracefully and be at peace with it? Should I stop torturing myself and proudly tell people that I love this body as I love eating?
I wonder…
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