a new dealbreaker

sleuthing makes your brain work fast. you dig into billing statements of years past. you would be aghast to notice that the mystery number has been appearing for two years. voice calls ranging from 30 calls to 65 calls a month. some calls lasting 45 mins. then you see one particular billing statement, one reflecting a trip to europe. in two weeks, 21 calls to that number, costing P18,000. your head reels. your hands are shaking. you feel so stupid. you feel like you've been taken for a ride for more than two years.

sure, during that time you weren't mother teresa. but you remember the guilt, the agony everytime you think how your lover has been so chaste while away from you. and how eventually, your own affairs you had to cut short. you couldnt stand the guilt. and you remember how that guilt finally pushed you to be totally honest with him, to wipe the slate clean. and how he was so wounded. of how he withdrew and became cold and bitter.

all the while maintaining his relations. ang tanga-tanga mo pala. you wanted to believe in him. you kept on telling people there was no way he could fool around. because that was what he kept on telling you.

you call the number again and ask badminton bud point blank - are you having an affair with my lover? quick denial

soon, lover is calling you, pissed off why you had to call badminton bud. how he was humiliated by the call.

a few days after, the confrontation. the denial. he tells you he's not having an affair with that guy. badminton bud just happens to be a nice person, a support system. you tell yourself - an P18,000 f**kng support system. good grief. he never even spent as much talking to you. ever.

and that you are barking up the wrong tree. HA HA. you got the guy all wrong.

but you dont care and you dont believe. you believe what your gut tells you. and you remain cold but livid. while he's arguing at the top of his voice.

finally you reach your dealbreaker: when you are taken for a loong ride, when you are taken for granted, when you are still lied to.

no deal.

rightly suspicious or too malicious

hey people, consider this:

you've been privy to your lover's phone bills (landline & mobile). and you notice a recurring mobile number. some of those landline to mobile calls last 30minutes or more. on the mobile billing, you noticed the same number, texted everyday, averaging 3x a day from the u.s. during your lover's 3wk visit there. and you backtrack on the bills and note that this has been going on for months.

you get suspicious and call the number. guy answers. the guy whom your lover calls as 'one of his badminton buddies'. the guy you actually met before because your lover tagged him along during one of your games.

during the call you fumble and just say that you saw the number and you were just confirming the owner. you say hi in passing (since he recognized you when you introduced yourself) and hang up.

you're standing there wondering what to do next.

first of all, should you be suspicious? or are you being too malicious? next, what would you have done?

lulu land

im on my way to the gym. i ride this elevator with a lesbian, a girl companion and three other people. during the ride, lulu and companion hold hands and make swing-swing. girl squeezes lulu's hand a bit too tight. lulu yelps. and they tease each other. this is one long elevator ride.

im on the stationary bike. in front of me is the treadmill station. another lulu and girl companion approach the treadmill. girl gets on the treadmill as lulu lovingly leans on the handle bars as they talk. girl brushes lulu's cheek and squeezes hand.

this is 630am. im like saying this is so unfair...

i could never do that in broad daylight in the gym with my lover. actually, i wouldnt want to but that's beside the point.

my point. why do i get the feeling that the lulu's could so easily flaunt their relationships while we badingers have to choose nakpil and orosa and makati ave (govt) to be so affectionate...

i remember my cousin telling me then how taboo same-sex PDA is... he would remind me - its still a straight world. then why the hell are the lulu's so liberal about their PDAs?

is it because the Pinoy straight society is more tolerant of them butch lesbians? or intimidated by them that they choose not to express disapproval? or are our lulu brothers just braver than us, they just have more balls (pun intended) than poor PLU?

meanwhile, as i labor on my bike, gymcrush walks by. suddenly im fantasizing brushing his cheek (butt cheeks) and squeezing his hard-on... :)

my birthday's coming up!!!

i am actually excited coming into my birth month! im thinking i should line up a month-long list of activities for myself.

my sun sign: pisces
my chinese zodiac: horse

voila! im a seahorse. and according to wiki weyes:

Seahorses are a genus (Hippocampus) of fish belonging to the family Syngnathidae, which also includes pipefish and leafy sea dragons. The seahorses are found in tropical and subtropical coastal and reef waters all over Pacific, Atlantic and Indian oceans.
Seahorses range in adult head-to-tail sizes from 13.3mm (0.52 inches) in the recently discovered Hippocampus denise[3] to 35cm (13.78 inches). Seahorses and pipefishes are notable for being the only species in which males become "pregnant".[4]

i love that last part! im giggling as i read 'the only species in which males become pregnant!" that will be the day!

reading the genus of the seahorse, hippocampus, reminded me of my neuropsych days:

The hippocampus is a part of the forebrain, located in the medial temporal lobe. It forms a part of the limbic system and plays a part in long term memory and spatial navigation. Humans and other mammals have two hippocampi, one in each side of the brain.
The name derives from its curved shape in coronal sections of the brain, which resembles a seahorse (Greek: hippos = horse, kampi = curve).
In Alzheimer's disease, the hippocampus is one of the first regions of the brain to suffer damage; memory problems and disorientation appear among the first symptoms. Damage to the hippocampus can also result from oxygen starvation (anoxia) and encephalitis.

as part of the limbic system, the hippocampus is within part of the emotion circuitry of the brain, specializing in memory! and im suddenly rationalizing: i am quite emotional. and memory retention has been my strong point.

so now i have this new-found affinity for seahorses as my true sign...

(babaw no? gabi na kasi)

SATC: what's your dealbreaker

season 3, episode 5: carrie posts this question? where do you draw the line with a love? how much are you willing to give up and what will you not for a relationship?

for charlotte: it was bad kissing. really baaad kissing. for samantha: it was not having the balls to stand up to the sister. for aidan: it was smoking.

looking at my list of exes, i tried to mentally list down reasons for quitting (in all but one of those relationships, i said goodbye) and i realized that for some, i had to draw the line.

- violence. under no circumstance will i go on with anybody who is physically abusive. and one of them was.
- long distance. very recent learning. i will not get into any relationship that will involve physical separation of more than 6 months.
- effeminacy. with me as benchmark. no one more pa-girl than me.

conversely, the following were not dealbreakers but would make me think twice...

- smoking (since i dont smoke)
- religion (methodist, iglesia, born again)
- bad sex (or at the least, sexual incompatibility including a power top who wants me to bottom)
- profession (in the arts and culture)
- IQ (he doesnt need to be a genius)
- grammar and pronunciation (no froblem)

what's your dealbreaker?

on blogs and blogging

i received an email regarding this article about blogs that appeared in the new york review of books. quite lengthy, it seemed like a well-researched article as basis for a book, an anthology of blogs. it even contains the history of blogging. it ends with this...

Finally, I think I get the superhero fixation. It's the flying. It's the suspension of punctuation and good manners and even identity. Bloggers at their computers are Supermen in flight. They break the rules. They go into their virtual phone booths, put on their costumes, bring down their personal villains, and save the world. Anonymous or not, they inhabit that source of power and hope. Then they come back to their jobs, their dogs, and their lives, and it's like, "Dude, the ball."

Blog writing is id writing—grandiose, dreamy, private, free-associative, infantile, sexy, petty, dirty. Whether bloggers tell the truth or really are who they claim to be is another matter, but WTF. They are what they write. And you can't fake that. ;-)

and this for me, sums up all that i do here as cc...

(special thanks to my friend who sent me this email. you know who you are! :))