She is Home.

I left for the beach house the day after the funeral. I have not had my ugly cry. Just like when Tatay passed, I did not have the breakdown moment from his passing at the hospital to the final laying at the cemetery. But this time, with Nanay, I felt my heart wanting to give in numerous times. The exquisite emotional pain translating to actual physical pain: my chest suddenly feeling heavy, somewhere within my palms a dull throbbing. I would breathe in deeply and the moment would pass, a willful decision to remain steadfast.

But with her laying at the cemetery yesterday, I was fully prepared to mourn and grieve. I even saw that suddenly, there was high chance of rain in the mid afternoon. Perfect setting for my dramatic breakdown.

I arrived to a warm, breezy, bright sunny beach. It was just beautiful, not a cloud in sight. Hmmm no dark and gloom to accompany me in my grief. Yet, I was able to finally trigger my outpouring by stitching my photos of last moments with her. Making the video was ultimately cathartic for me.

But my ugly cry was not prolonged. For my stay there, I was blessed with the best weather and perfect sunsets. It is as if she is saying that she is in a good place. She is with Tatay. And I should live my life and enjoy it … for all is good. 

She is home.