Here We Go Again

 

Ugh. Na-covid ulit. Swerte nga naman. That’s not me on the pic. That’s household help in full PPE as she cleans my bed and bath area. 

It is Day 4, since symptoms appeared. Mild sore throat. Some nasal congestion. Maybe that ‘lalagnatin’ feeling but no actual fever, based on temp reading. But because another household member came down with it 2 days earlier, I sort of felt that I was in for Round 2 of Covid. But this time, with symptoms.

Day 2 when symptoms blossomed! Sore, itchy throat. Runny nose. Coughing in an attempt to get that sticky phlegm out. Body aches. Still no fever but that feverish feeling, on and off. I used the rapid antigen test. And it came out positive. Don’t want to play the blame game anymore, like the first time. If I’m gonna get, I’m gonna get it. Just deal with it. 

Consulted the doctor. Got the meds prescribed. But still did work from home. Couldn’t cancel the meetings. Until Day 3, I was still ‘reporting for work’ with more meetings. Sigh. That’s what this pandemic uncovered. That you can actually do work from home even if you’re just a bit sick. Day 3 was slightly better though nose was still clogged. No more sore throat but the occasional cough became dry and painful. Still no fever.

I finally filed for Sick Leave today. I knew I had to fully rest this to heal faster. And besides, the only meeting today was a face-to-face one, which I couldn’t attend anyway. I took it really easy today. Even got some early morning sunning to help fight the virus. I’m feeling much, much better. Nasal congestion a lot less. Less coughing fits. No feverish feeling.

It feels like trankaso. I didn’t even have fever. Is this what they mean when they were downgrading this to ‘endemic’ levels? Lol

In many ways, I should be thankful. I got my 2nd booster early part of this month. I don’t have much activities this week till next. So this is a good time to actually slow down a bit. I still have a few days of isolation to go. Let’s hope it doesn’t get worse and only improves from here on. 

Random lang. These could have been tweets.

 I haven’t posted in a while. In this gloomy 1st Saturday of September, suddenly the urge to write random stuff. 

Been feeling shitty lately. I’m overweight, probably gained 2 inches of fat around the waistline. I look horrible. Can’t seem to get back on track. My self discipline disappeared for months. I rationalize that all the events of the past months: my mom’s death, the findings related to my esophagus, even my heart, have conspired to keep me from sticking to a diet and exercise plan. I used to be able to muster the will to begin a diet that works. I am finding it so hard now. There is always an excuse to eat sweets, more red meat (which, for me, are the main items to avoid). 

Typhoon Henry spared us but it brought the gloom. I am still happy it didn’t happen last weekend. Though there were still rainy afternoons over the long weekend, there was enough sun in the morning to enjoy the beach at the rest house with my siblings and our partners. I felt really great being able to host that and bond with them. And I managed to do some writing last weekend.

I was doing revisions on the season 2 of Daddy Love. Yes, I do have a season 2 planned. But still on  the fence of  getting it produced. It will cost much more than season 1, with all the elements I included. Hahaha Couldn’t help myself! I wanted to layer in some more themes. So it is still up in the air how that project will come to life.

Projects. I realized I like having personal projects despite the load at work. I become energized just planning and implementing, albeit slowly. And I continue to be very grateful for having enough resources to accomplish them. 

Libido is at an ebb lately. That is a good thing.  A few weeks back, my hormones were crazy. And sluttiness overdrive as well. I relate that to my low self-esteem and the need for affirmation. Glad that is over. G app put to sleep for now.

That’s all, as Miranda Priestly would put it. Yun lang. (doesn’t translate well? LOL)

Proud Month

A true vanity project I had planned as I was turning 50: have pics of myself, my body, professionally taken, to document my 50ish bod at its fittest. Planned that as i approach 55, then the pandemic happened. 

Finally got it done year ago, at 56yo, with the help of photographer @ScenusImagen. June 20 was a rainy Sunday. But that didn’t stop me. I worked on the bod for 3 months just using my home gym and trying vegetarianism. 

So this is me. Yeah, Proud of this, despite lacking the genes for a gorgeous bone and muscular structure. I look at my body and see very weak shoulders, thick at the waist, small calf muscles. The pics capture me at the best I could manage (stomach in every time), at 56yo. This also captures my pandemic look: long wavy hair, facial hair.  In my heart then, I knew it would be downhill from there.

True enough, a year later, I have gained 8 lbs. All that as flab around the gut area. And on top of all that, I am diagnosed with Barrett’s Esophagus, high cholesterol and possibly a heart problem, on top of hypertension. From one maintenance med to 4. And drastic changes in diet and lifestyle: avoid alcohol, caffeine, spicy food, sour food, chocolates, red meat, blah blah blah. 

Avoiding alcohol, that got me really down. I super enjoy my mid-week drink (Wednesday) and my weekend bouts (Friday to Sunday). My Fierro visits were filled with just being in the pool, under the hot sun with wine or brandy or scotch in hand. I loved the buzz, that certain numbness coupled with the heat of the sun, the cold water of the pool, my fave music in the background. I am down to ‘social drinking’, a glass at the most, only on special occasions. 

My morning ritual with coffee also had to go: waking up to the smell of brewed coffee, having that sip as I read or browse or just look at the sunrise. The change: just a cup (not a mug) to be taken during breakfast, only after I have taken my med. Still a major change for me as I am usually a zombie without coffee. Sigh.

So I finally post some of the pics here. A memento of a previous life enjoyed to the full. A bod that was a work in progress, but never really got there. Resibo na umabot ako dito. 

Post-May 9: Now what?

When I chose Leni over Junior, I felt strongly that his presidency will be bad for the country. Despite his calm and “I will speak no evil against my fellow candidates and just talk about unity” consistent stance, he is part of an entire machinery that has stolen from my tax money, that has bribed their way to wealth, that has lied and has perpetuated misinformation, that has allowed the killing of thousands of people during Martial Law as part of the anti-insurgency campaign, during the war on drugs.  I cannot begin to think how Junior will NOT be any of these if he becomes president ESPECIALLY because he himself has lied, has evaded paying taxes, has denied (and even enabled) the atrocities, the injustice and the plunder of his family. 

I was presented with an option to change that. And I stood up and was counted in the rallies. I wore my color and contributed in my little way to the campaign. And I voted for LeniKiko.

Now that he is the presumptive president-elect, and his slate and colleagues are back, I am resigned to the Fates.  However, I am wishing and praying for a few things:

- His administration to champion some transparency in the entire election process and answer some nagging details on the counting, transmission, etc. That, to my mind, can start the Unity he has been advocating. 

- That I am dead wrong on my aforementioned assumptions. That he would form a cabinet that will stop bribery and corruption, that will prioritize health and education, attract investment and create jobs, stop extra-judicial killings and provide justice, respond smartly, pro-actively to threats of natural disasters, epidemics and prevent death and disease, defend our lands and our seas. Never mind that he did not articulate this during his campaign. Just do it. I will be watching.

- That he would model some modesty in lifestyle, some prudence in living despite being ‘so New York’ as a beacon to his cabinet, to all government officials and employees.

But even as I pray hard for what may be a pipe dream, I remain a tax-paying, law-abiding citizen of the Philippines. I want to engage friends who are his supporters as I want to truly understand why they chose him. What was the thought process? What was the basis of the decision? What were the information sources? I will try to withhold judgment and just try to understand. But if in the process, I realize that they continue to spread lies and malign Leni and my candidates, I will not stand for that. Yes, I can, and will, end friendships on that basis.

I will call out misinformation, fake news, historical revisionism. I, too, am at fault, for not having spoken out before, for having been lax and complacent to protect the freedoms we won in 1986. I will share what is true and right. 

I will support Leni’s advocacies in whatever way I can. She has lit up a fire within, based on hope of what could be. Even without a formal seat in government, she is wielding this power for the better. I am eager to get it started and contribute, yet remain vigilant.

I suffered two losses in a matter of days: my mother’s passing and the loss of my candidates. And as I grieve, I also know that in time, I will just have to get on with life. But I must hold on to the good and the true. And stand up for it. For my Nanay. For this country. 

She is Home.

I left for the beach house the day after the funeral. I have not had my ugly cry. Just like when Tatay passed, I did not have the breakdown moment from his passing at the hospital to the final laying at the cemetery. But this time, with Nanay, I felt my heart wanting to give in numerous times. The exquisite emotional pain translating to actual physical pain: my chest suddenly feeling heavy, somewhere within my palms a dull throbbing. I would breathe in deeply and the moment would pass, a willful decision to remain steadfast.

But with her laying at the cemetery yesterday, I was fully prepared to mourn and grieve. I even saw that suddenly, there was high chance of rain in the mid afternoon. Perfect setting for my dramatic breakdown.

I arrived to a warm, breezy, bright sunny beach. It was just beautiful, not a cloud in sight. Hmmm no dark and gloom to accompany me in my grief. Yet, I was able to finally trigger my outpouring by stitching my photos of last moments with her. Making the video was ultimately cathartic for me.

But my ugly cry was not prolonged. For my stay there, I was blessed with the best weather and perfect sunsets. It is as if she is saying that she is in a good place. She is with Tatay. And I should live my life and enjoy it … for all is good. 

She is home.

Good days and bad days

She has her good days. She obviously has enough energy to transfer from her bed to the wheelchair and join us for meals. There are no complaints of pain whatsoever. And she eats, well, not a lot. But she eats most of what is laid out for her. 

Then there are her bad days. She complains of pain in her lower extremities, worse during the night. She is lethargic, always sleeping. She is too weak to even leave her bed. 

We monitor her BP and O2 levels regularly. When it started dropping, we were alarmed and had to convince her to go to the hospital after much, much convincing. Turns out she has pneumonia though she didn’t have any of the typical symptoms: fever, colds, cough, sore throat, difficulty of breathing. But that last admission in the hospital really traumatized her, with all the injections, tests. She didn’t want any of that anymore. Period.

We thought she would go back to her good days coming from the hospital. She didn’t.  Well not at that level. So we continue to monitor her and as her BP, O2 levels fluctuate. And we decided on home care instead. 

We are preparing for the inevitable, as advised by her doctors. Flashback to almost 3 yrs ago when it was Tatay. We think we know the drill. But one can never really prepare. And is this a case of giving up on her? Shouldn’t I be fighting to bring her back to health? But at what cost? It’s me against myself. 

One day at a time, I tell myself. I convince myself.  All in God’s time, Nanay. For now, every day with her is a good day. 

Luneta Park with Nanay