Proud Month

A true vanity project I had planned as I was turning 50: have pics of myself, my body, professionally taken, to document my 50ish bod at its fittest. Planned that as i approach 55, then the pandemic happened. 

Finally got it done year ago, at 56yo, with the help of photographer @ScenusImagen. June 20 was a rainy Sunday. But that didn’t stop me. I worked on the bod for 3 months just using my home gym and trying vegetarianism. 

So this is me. Yeah, Proud of this, despite lacking the genes for a gorgeous bone and muscular structure. I look at my body and see very weak shoulders, thick at the waist, small calf muscles. The pics capture me at the best I could manage (stomach in every time), at 56yo. This also captures my pandemic look: long wavy hair, facial hair.  In my heart then, I knew it would be downhill from there.

True enough, a year later, I have gained 8 lbs. All that as flab around the gut area. And on top of all that, I am diagnosed with Barrett’s Esophagus, high cholesterol and possibly a heart problem, on top of hypertension. From one maintenance med to 4. And drastic changes in diet and lifestyle: avoid alcohol, caffeine, spicy food, sour food, chocolates, red meat, blah blah blah. 

Avoiding alcohol, that got me really down. I super enjoy my mid-week drink (Wednesday) and my weekend bouts (Friday to Sunday). My Fierro visits were filled with just being in the pool, under the hot sun with wine or brandy or scotch in hand. I loved the buzz, that certain numbness coupled with the heat of the sun, the cold water of the pool, my fave music in the background. I am down to ‘social drinking’, a glass at the most, only on special occasions. 

My morning ritual with coffee also had to go: waking up to the smell of brewed coffee, having that sip as I read or browse or just look at the sunrise. The change: just a cup (not a mug) to be taken during breakfast, only after I have taken my med. Still a major change for me as I am usually a zombie without coffee. Sigh.

So I finally post some of the pics here. A memento of a previous life enjoyed to the full. A bod that was a work in progress, but never really got there. Resibo na umabot ako dito. 

Post-May 9: Now what?

When I chose Leni over Junior, I felt strongly that his presidency will be bad for the country. Despite his calm and “I will speak no evil against my fellow candidates and just talk about unity” consistent stance, he is part of an entire machinery that has stolen from my tax money, that has bribed their way to wealth, that has lied and has perpetuated misinformation, that has allowed the killing of thousands of people during Martial Law as part of the anti-insurgency campaign, during the war on drugs.  I cannot begin to think how Junior will NOT be any of these if he becomes president ESPECIALLY because he himself has lied, has evaded paying taxes, has denied (and even enabled) the atrocities, the injustice and the plunder of his family. 

I was presented with an option to change that. And I stood up and was counted in the rallies. I wore my color and contributed in my little way to the campaign. And I voted for LeniKiko.

Now that he is the presumptive president-elect, and his slate and colleagues are back, I am resigned to the Fates.  However, I am wishing and praying for a few things:

- His administration to champion some transparency in the entire election process and answer some nagging details on the counting, transmission, etc. That, to my mind, can start the Unity he has been advocating. 

- That I am dead wrong on my aforementioned assumptions. That he would form a cabinet that will stop bribery and corruption, that will prioritize health and education, attract investment and create jobs, stop extra-judicial killings and provide justice, respond smartly, pro-actively to threats of natural disasters, epidemics and prevent death and disease, defend our lands and our seas. Never mind that he did not articulate this during his campaign. Just do it. I will be watching.

- That he would model some modesty in lifestyle, some prudence in living despite being ‘so New York’ as a beacon to his cabinet, to all government officials and employees.

But even as I pray hard for what may be a pipe dream, I remain a tax-paying, law-abiding citizen of the Philippines. I want to engage friends who are his supporters as I want to truly understand why they chose him. What was the thought process? What was the basis of the decision? What were the information sources? I will try to withhold judgment and just try to understand. But if in the process, I realize that they continue to spread lies and malign Leni and my candidates, I will not stand for that. Yes, I can, and will, end friendships on that basis.

I will call out misinformation, fake news, historical revisionism. I, too, am at fault, for not having spoken out before, for having been lax and complacent to protect the freedoms we won in 1986. I will share what is true and right. 

I will support Leni’s advocacies in whatever way I can. She has lit up a fire within, based on hope of what could be. Even without a formal seat in government, she is wielding this power for the better. I am eager to get it started and contribute, yet remain vigilant.

I suffered two losses in a matter of days: my mother’s passing and the loss of my candidates. And as I grieve, I also know that in time, I will just have to get on with life. But I must hold on to the good and the true. And stand up for it. For my Nanay. For this country. 

She is Home.

I left for the beach house the day after the funeral. I have not had my ugly cry. Just like when Tatay passed, I did not have the breakdown moment from his passing at the hospital to the final laying at the cemetery. But this time, with Nanay, I felt my heart wanting to give in numerous times. The exquisite emotional pain translating to actual physical pain: my chest suddenly feeling heavy, somewhere within my palms a dull throbbing. I would breathe in deeply and the moment would pass, a willful decision to remain steadfast.

But with her laying at the cemetery yesterday, I was fully prepared to mourn and grieve. I even saw that suddenly, there was high chance of rain in the mid afternoon. Perfect setting for my dramatic breakdown.

I arrived to a warm, breezy, bright sunny beach. It was just beautiful, not a cloud in sight. Hmmm no dark and gloom to accompany me in my grief. Yet, I was able to finally trigger my outpouring by stitching my photos of last moments with her. Making the video was ultimately cathartic for me.

But my ugly cry was not prolonged. For my stay there, I was blessed with the best weather and perfect sunsets. It is as if she is saying that she is in a good place. She is with Tatay. And I should live my life and enjoy it … for all is good. 

She is home.

Good days and bad days

She has her good days. She obviously has enough energy to transfer from her bed to the wheelchair and join us for meals. There are no complaints of pain whatsoever. And she eats, well, not a lot. But she eats most of what is laid out for her. 

Then there are her bad days. She complains of pain in her lower extremities, worse during the night. She is lethargic, always sleeping. She is too weak to even leave her bed. 

We monitor her BP and O2 levels regularly. When it started dropping, we were alarmed and had to convince her to go to the hospital after much, much convincing. Turns out she has pneumonia though she didn’t have any of the typical symptoms: fever, colds, cough, sore throat, difficulty of breathing. But that last admission in the hospital really traumatized her, with all the injections, tests. She didn’t want any of that anymore. Period.

We thought she would go back to her good days coming from the hospital. She didn’t.  Well not at that level. So we continue to monitor her and as her BP, O2 levels fluctuate. And we decided on home care instead. 

We are preparing for the inevitable, as advised by her doctors. Flashback to almost 3 yrs ago when it was Tatay. We think we know the drill. But one can never really prepare. And is this a case of giving up on her? Shouldn’t I be fighting to bring her back to health? But at what cost? It’s me against myself. 

One day at a time, I tell myself. I convince myself.  All in God’s time, Nanay. For now, every day with her is a good day. 

Luneta Park with Nanay

A Loving Heart

Last Jan. 30 Sunday, one of the readings was that famous “Love is patient, Love is kind” text from St. Paul to the Corinthians. Many a wedding have I attended where this was a chosen reading. And sometimes, I would catch one bride or groom look at the other so lovingly as they listen to the reading.

A guidebook for romantic love. 

But as I was reflecting on the passages, I reckon that St. Paul was talking more about “love” as an attitude (if that makes sense), rather than as the emotion or even behavior typical of romance and relationships.

We are being called to have a “loving heart”, beyond being “loving” or being always “in love”.  He describes a person with a loving heart: patient, kind, never boastful or proud, etc., not necessarily directed towards an object of one’s ‘love’.  He calls us to be people who are loving in general - mapagmahal - regardless of who one is with.

I know of very few people whom I can say, have a ‘loving heart’: ever patient, kind,  humble, truthful, trustful, hopeful. 

Actually, St. Paul’s list is some kind of checklist of “how to know if you have a loving heart”.

Then I realize how far I am from being that person. I know I can be loving to my partner, to my family, to my friends. But I am not loving in general. I am generally impatient, proud, selfish, among so many nega things. 

But there is hope! In an earlier passage, St. Paul tells us to ‘Strive for this greatest of spiritual gifts’. So with this realization, I now have a consciousness to ‘try’ to be less of those nega things. I am working on this heart of mine to be a bit more loving in general. 

Buhay Pandemia: Post Exposure, Post Isolation

 It has been 19 days since the day of test. I got out of isolation on Day 8 following latest guidelines for mild or asymptomatic cases. I was still wearing a mask till Day 10, just to be very sure I don’t transmit to anyone in the household. 

I self-tested on Day 13  using the Clungene brand. Ugh I hate nasal swabs. But I was happy I mustered the courage to do it myself. And on Day 17, two days ago, I went for Saliva RT PCR test in preparation for the trip to the beach house.  Yes, all came negative. I’m clear.

Based on DOH statistics, I was part of 3.5% of cases that are asymptomatic. No sore throat. No colds or cough or sneezing. No fever. No diarrhea. Technically, I wouldn’t have known had I not been tested. 

I could have assessed myself to be Covid free after two to three days post-exposure of not developing any symptoms. I could have been roaming around, transmitting this had I not subjected myself to quarantine and testing.

So no, I do not agree with latest DOH protocols limiting testing to ‘manage the symptoms’. Pure BS. I agree with Sen Escudero saying that this is tantamount to the gov’t ‘giving up’. It is. After borrowing trillions on stupid strategies that ended up as luxury cars in garages of certain people, they are giving up on containing this, on protecting taxpayers from this. 

Nakakagalit. Inubos nila ang pera at iniwan na lang tayong ganito.

At kung yan pa rin ang gusto niyong pamamalakad, sige, ituloy niyo ang pagboto dun sa sinungaling. 

I will not end this on angry note. For I am still very thankful. I was probably asymptomatic on a combination of prayer and some modicum of health and fitness, and some dosing up on vitamins. I didn’t stop exercising even during isolation. And I stopped dieting just to make sure my body won’t be weak as it battles the virus then.

But sadly, I am not out of the woods. I can suddenly develop long Covid symptoms. I am now monitoring my BP daily as I am hypertensive. Covid has also ravaged organs other than the respiratory organ system. And with my history of childhood asthma, I also monitor my oxygen daily. 

I am now breathing in early morning West Philippine Sea air. And it feels wonderful.