2022: Another Shemitah Year

 I lost Nanay and became an ulilang lubos. My prex/vp candidates lost in the elections, a first for me to be all out in support and campaigning. 

I will be leaving this role for a new one next year. After only 3 years with my crew, I will bid them adieu and take on a new challenge in the company.

I was diagnosed with this esophageal condition at risk of becoming a neoplasm. I have to severely change my eating habits, including minimizing caffeine and alcohol. This is on top of hypertension, and a heart condition that may lead to a stroke. Of course, the plethora of maintenance medicines I have started to take to manage all my conditions. Sakit-sakitan portion as my friend would put it. I am having difficulty limiting alcohol (a bit more successful with limiting caffeine). So I dread the outcome of 2023’s executive check-up.

And that led to my struggle to lose weight. I can’t do intermittent fasting anymore.  But toward Q4, I was able to muster the discipline to stick to a diet and exercise regimen. I shed off unwanted weight and fat going into the holiday season.  I have finally signed up personal trainer for home gym. Of course I am putting some back due to Holiday Eating. But I feel more confident that I know how to lose this again.

I have begun serving at Mass again, extending my support to elderly women and the community that cares for them. I heard confession again after more than a decade. But I quickly slipped back. Old habits die hard. I give myself a pat on the back for being to hear confession again.

Aside from that, no major personal project accomplished. Just some improvements like installing solar panels at the beach property. I am still thinking what would  projects for 2023. Daddy Love Season 2? Maybe.  Or maybe finally work on the residence here in the metro, repairs and improvements.

I’m ending the year with a good starting point for savings. The condo is being rented out now. The beach property is also open and has been receiving guests. These are still far from target revenue levels post-employment. But I am pleased.

This really was a reset kind of year for me. I am excited and anxious for what lies ahead.  A blessed 2023 to all.

More random thoughts over a long weekend

Taking a breather from a toxic work schedule. Glad to have filed leaves for a long 4-day weekend. Back in the tiny beach house. Also to supervise some ongoing improvements. 

Weight Reduction achieved

Just a few posts back I was getting despondent. I couldn’t seem to find the will to get back on track. And I was 13lbs over my ideal weight. But with God’s help, I managed to achieve that again. It was a challenge as my health has changed much, with that esophagus problem. But I had to go back to basics - calorie counting for starters, and trying to balance out the little calories to include breakfast (no more IF for me). And working out, walk-jogging. Happy that in 2 months and a half, I did it. But it’s not for everybody. The sacrifice will not be worth it for many. The goal now is to build some mass, just to tone the body better. So I have hired a personal trainer to help me work out at home.

New work challenge coming

Last week, my boss brought me the news. I am being transferred to another group within the organization. Another move barely 3 yrs into this current role. I wanted to retire in this current role, with just 3 yrs to go. I told my boss to ‘resist’ any attempts to move me. LOL. And he did. He did argue to keep me where I am. But the prex had other plans for me. 

It’s not a promotion. It’s a lateral move that provides better opportunities for upward mobility. But with just 3yrs left, I am not holding my breath. It is back to my first love, marketing. So I am looking forward to the new challenges. Not as eager to do adjustments again as that group has a totally different culture from where I was. 

But one thing I did that made me proud. I came out to my future bosses. I had to make sure that they know whom they’re taking in. No surprises. Their response: no issue at all.

Resort is Open

Last October, this resort was officially opened for rentals. I was able to find a booking/reservations firm to manage just that, and list the property in their own site as well as AirBnB, Agoda, etc.  The deal covers the two kubo cottages that can accommodate 3 to 4 people each. Container tiny house is not included. But guests have exclusive use of the entire place (including the pool). 

It has been doing well. I have guests most weekends. And I have to block off those dates I want to use it for myself (like this weekend). 

I have to admit that I had some sepanx at the start. Haha. It was like letting go of a prized possession. Feeling that suddenly, it is no longer mine. But the feeling passed, especially when the revenues started coming in. LOL

Friendships

At this age you realize you don’t like certain people. Some of them are even ‘friends’. You hang out with them as part of a barkada. You have made connections through school, office, common interests or what-have-you. Moments together could be hilarious, fun. 

At first, it would seem that this should be your attitude towards the entire barkada. After all, you do have a lot in common. So you automatically like them all and include them as your friends. 

But as years pass, you realize that you don’t feel the same way for each of them. Some of them you still genuinely like. For you, they are really nice people. They mean well. They are fun to be with. There is mutual respect. You like spending time with them.

Some others you are just ambivalent. Your paths don’t really cross that often. And there is nothing in their demeanor that would make you want to be closer to them. Though nothing in them annoys you. So that relationship is status quo.

But some you end up admitting that you don’t really like them. You find them annoying. They bring negative vibes to you. But they continue to be part of the group. And it becomes a take-it-all or leave entirely. Leaving is not entirely attractive either. Exit barriers. LOL. The nice ones are worth keeping as friends. 

It’s a lazy, cloudy Saturday afternoon at the beach. 

Here We Go Again

 

Ugh. Na-covid ulit. Swerte nga naman. That’s not me on the pic. That’s household help in full PPE as she cleans my bed and bath area. 

It is Day 4, since symptoms appeared. Mild sore throat. Some nasal congestion. Maybe that ‘lalagnatin’ feeling but no actual fever, based on temp reading. But because another household member came down with it 2 days earlier, I sort of felt that I was in for Round 2 of Covid. But this time, with symptoms.

Day 2 when symptoms blossomed! Sore, itchy throat. Runny nose. Coughing in an attempt to get that sticky phlegm out. Body aches. Still no fever but that feverish feeling, on and off. I used the rapid antigen test. And it came out positive. Don’t want to play the blame game anymore, like the first time. If I’m gonna get, I’m gonna get it. Just deal with it. 

Consulted the doctor. Got the meds prescribed. But still did work from home. Couldn’t cancel the meetings. Until Day 3, I was still ‘reporting for work’ with more meetings. Sigh. That’s what this pandemic uncovered. That you can actually do work from home even if you’re just a bit sick. Day 3 was slightly better though nose was still clogged. No more sore throat but the occasional cough became dry and painful. Still no fever.

I finally filed for Sick Leave today. I knew I had to fully rest this to heal faster. And besides, the only meeting today was a face-to-face one, which I couldn’t attend anyway. I took it really easy today. Even got some early morning sunning to help fight the virus. I’m feeling much, much better. Nasal congestion a lot less. Less coughing fits. No feverish feeling.

It feels like trankaso. I didn’t even have fever. Is this what they mean when they were downgrading this to ‘endemic’ levels? Lol

In many ways, I should be thankful. I got my 2nd booster early part of this month. I don’t have much activities this week till next. So this is a good time to actually slow down a bit. I still have a few days of isolation to go. Let’s hope it doesn’t get worse and only improves from here on. 

Random lang. These could have been tweets.

 I haven’t posted in a while. In this gloomy 1st Saturday of September, suddenly the urge to write random stuff. 

Been feeling shitty lately. I’m overweight, probably gained 2 inches of fat around the waistline. I look horrible. Can’t seem to get back on track. My self discipline disappeared for months. I rationalize that all the events of the past months: my mom’s death, the findings related to my esophagus, even my heart, have conspired to keep me from sticking to a diet and exercise plan. I used to be able to muster the will to begin a diet that works. I am finding it so hard now. There is always an excuse to eat sweets, more red meat (which, for me, are the main items to avoid). 

Typhoon Henry spared us but it brought the gloom. I am still happy it didn’t happen last weekend. Though there were still rainy afternoons over the long weekend, there was enough sun in the morning to enjoy the beach at the rest house with my siblings and our partners. I felt really great being able to host that and bond with them. And I managed to do some writing last weekend.

I was doing revisions on the season 2 of Daddy Love. Yes, I do have a season 2 planned. But still on  the fence of  getting it produced. It will cost much more than season 1, with all the elements I included. Hahaha Couldn’t help myself! I wanted to layer in some more themes. So it is still up in the air how that project will come to life.

Projects. I realized I like having personal projects despite the load at work. I become energized just planning and implementing, albeit slowly. And I continue to be very grateful for having enough resources to accomplish them. 

Libido is at an ebb lately. That is a good thing.  A few weeks back, my hormones were crazy. And sluttiness overdrive as well. I relate that to my low self-esteem and the need for affirmation. Glad that is over. G app put to sleep for now.

That’s all, as Miranda Priestly would put it. Yun lang. (doesn’t translate well? LOL)

Proud Month

A true vanity project I had planned as I was turning 50: have pics of myself, my body, professionally taken, to document my 50ish bod at its fittest. Planned that as i approach 55, then the pandemic happened. 

Finally got it done year ago, at 56yo, with the help of photographer @ScenusImagen. June 20 was a rainy Sunday. But that didn’t stop me. I worked on the bod for 3 months just using my home gym and trying vegetarianism. 

So this is me. Yeah, Proud of this, despite lacking the genes for a gorgeous bone and muscular structure. I look at my body and see very weak shoulders, thick at the waist, small calf muscles. The pics capture me at the best I could manage (stomach in every time), at 56yo. This also captures my pandemic look: long wavy hair, facial hair.  In my heart then, I knew it would be downhill from there.

True enough, a year later, I have gained 8 lbs. All that as flab around the gut area. And on top of all that, I am diagnosed with Barrett’s Esophagus, high cholesterol and possibly a heart problem, on top of hypertension. From one maintenance med to 4. And drastic changes in diet and lifestyle: avoid alcohol, caffeine, spicy food, sour food, chocolates, red meat, blah blah blah. 

Avoiding alcohol, that got me really down. I super enjoy my mid-week drink (Wednesday) and my weekend bouts (Friday to Sunday). My Fierro visits were filled with just being in the pool, under the hot sun with wine or brandy or scotch in hand. I loved the buzz, that certain numbness coupled with the heat of the sun, the cold water of the pool, my fave music in the background. I am down to ‘social drinking’, a glass at the most, only on special occasions. 

My morning ritual with coffee also had to go: waking up to the smell of brewed coffee, having that sip as I read or browse or just look at the sunrise. The change: just a cup (not a mug) to be taken during breakfast, only after I have taken my med. Still a major change for me as I am usually a zombie without coffee. Sigh.

So I finally post some of the pics here. A memento of a previous life enjoyed to the full. A bod that was a work in progress, but never really got there. Resibo na umabot ako dito. 

Post-May 9: Now what?

When I chose Leni over Junior, I felt strongly that his presidency will be bad for the country. Despite his calm and “I will speak no evil against my fellow candidates and just talk about unity” consistent stance, he is part of an entire machinery that has stolen from my tax money, that has bribed their way to wealth, that has lied and has perpetuated misinformation, that has allowed the killing of thousands of people during Martial Law as part of the anti-insurgency campaign, during the war on drugs.  I cannot begin to think how Junior will NOT be any of these if he becomes president ESPECIALLY because he himself has lied, has evaded paying taxes, has denied (and even enabled) the atrocities, the injustice and the plunder of his family. 

I was presented with an option to change that. And I stood up and was counted in the rallies. I wore my color and contributed in my little way to the campaign. And I voted for LeniKiko.

Now that he is the presumptive president-elect, and his slate and colleagues are back, I am resigned to the Fates.  However, I am wishing and praying for a few things:

- His administration to champion some transparency in the entire election process and answer some nagging details on the counting, transmission, etc. That, to my mind, can start the Unity he has been advocating. 

- That I am dead wrong on my aforementioned assumptions. That he would form a cabinet that will stop bribery and corruption, that will prioritize health and education, attract investment and create jobs, stop extra-judicial killings and provide justice, respond smartly, pro-actively to threats of natural disasters, epidemics and prevent death and disease, defend our lands and our seas. Never mind that he did not articulate this during his campaign. Just do it. I will be watching.

- That he would model some modesty in lifestyle, some prudence in living despite being ‘so New York’ as a beacon to his cabinet, to all government officials and employees.

But even as I pray hard for what may be a pipe dream, I remain a tax-paying, law-abiding citizen of the Philippines. I want to engage friends who are his supporters as I want to truly understand why they chose him. What was the thought process? What was the basis of the decision? What were the information sources? I will try to withhold judgment and just try to understand. But if in the process, I realize that they continue to spread lies and malign Leni and my candidates, I will not stand for that. Yes, I can, and will, end friendships on that basis.

I will call out misinformation, fake news, historical revisionism. I, too, am at fault, for not having spoken out before, for having been lax and complacent to protect the freedoms we won in 1986. I will share what is true and right. 

I will support Leni’s advocacies in whatever way I can. She has lit up a fire within, based on hope of what could be. Even without a formal seat in government, she is wielding this power for the better. I am eager to get it started and contribute, yet remain vigilant.

I suffered two losses in a matter of days: my mother’s passing and the loss of my candidates. And as I grieve, I also know that in time, I will just have to get on with life. But I must hold on to the good and the true. And stand up for it. For my Nanay. For this country. 

She is Home.

I left for the beach house the day after the funeral. I have not had my ugly cry. Just like when Tatay passed, I did not have the breakdown moment from his passing at the hospital to the final laying at the cemetery. But this time, with Nanay, I felt my heart wanting to give in numerous times. The exquisite emotional pain translating to actual physical pain: my chest suddenly feeling heavy, somewhere within my palms a dull throbbing. I would breathe in deeply and the moment would pass, a willful decision to remain steadfast.

But with her laying at the cemetery yesterday, I was fully prepared to mourn and grieve. I even saw that suddenly, there was high chance of rain in the mid afternoon. Perfect setting for my dramatic breakdown.

I arrived to a warm, breezy, bright sunny beach. It was just beautiful, not a cloud in sight. Hmmm no dark and gloom to accompany me in my grief. Yet, I was able to finally trigger my outpouring by stitching my photos of last moments with her. Making the video was ultimately cathartic for me.

But my ugly cry was not prolonged. For my stay there, I was blessed with the best weather and perfect sunsets. It is as if she is saying that she is in a good place. She is with Tatay. And I should live my life and enjoy it … for all is good. 

She is home.

Good days and bad days

She has her good days. She obviously has enough energy to transfer from her bed to the wheelchair and join us for meals. There are no complaints of pain whatsoever. And she eats, well, not a lot. But she eats most of what is laid out for her. 

Then there are her bad days. She complains of pain in her lower extremities, worse during the night. She is lethargic, always sleeping. She is too weak to even leave her bed. 

We monitor her BP and O2 levels regularly. When it started dropping, we were alarmed and had to convince her to go to the hospital after much, much convincing. Turns out she has pneumonia though she didn’t have any of the typical symptoms: fever, colds, cough, sore throat, difficulty of breathing. But that last admission in the hospital really traumatized her, with all the injections, tests. She didn’t want any of that anymore. Period.

We thought she would go back to her good days coming from the hospital. She didn’t.  Well not at that level. So we continue to monitor her and as her BP, O2 levels fluctuate. And we decided on home care instead. 

We are preparing for the inevitable, as advised by her doctors. Flashback to almost 3 yrs ago when it was Tatay. We think we know the drill. But one can never really prepare. And is this a case of giving up on her? Shouldn’t I be fighting to bring her back to health? But at what cost? It’s me against myself. 

One day at a time, I tell myself. I convince myself.  All in God’s time, Nanay. For now, every day with her is a good day. 

Luneta Park with Nanay

A Loving Heart

Last Jan. 30 Sunday, one of the readings was that famous “Love is patient, Love is kind” text from St. Paul to the Corinthians. Many a wedding have I attended where this was a chosen reading. And sometimes, I would catch one bride or groom look at the other so lovingly as they listen to the reading.

A guidebook for romantic love. 

But as I was reflecting on the passages, I reckon that St. Paul was talking more about “love” as an attitude (if that makes sense), rather than as the emotion or even behavior typical of romance and relationships.

We are being called to have a “loving heart”, beyond being “loving” or being always “in love”.  He describes a person with a loving heart: patient, kind, never boastful or proud, etc., not necessarily directed towards an object of one’s ‘love’.  He calls us to be people who are loving in general - mapagmahal - regardless of who one is with.

I know of very few people whom I can say, have a ‘loving heart’: ever patient, kind,  humble, truthful, trustful, hopeful. 

Actually, St. Paul’s list is some kind of checklist of “how to know if you have a loving heart”.

Then I realize how far I am from being that person. I know I can be loving to my partner, to my family, to my friends. But I am not loving in general. I am generally impatient, proud, selfish, among so many nega things. 

But there is hope! In an earlier passage, St. Paul tells us to ‘Strive for this greatest of spiritual gifts’. So with this realization, I now have a consciousness to ‘try’ to be less of those nega things. I am working on this heart of mine to be a bit more loving in general. 

Buhay Pandemia: Post Exposure, Post Isolation

 It has been 19 days since the day of test. I got out of isolation on Day 8 following latest guidelines for mild or asymptomatic cases. I was still wearing a mask till Day 10, just to be very sure I don’t transmit to anyone in the household. 

I self-tested on Day 13  using the Clungene brand. Ugh I hate nasal swabs. But I was happy I mustered the courage to do it myself. And on Day 17, two days ago, I went for Saliva RT PCR test in preparation for the trip to the beach house.  Yes, all came negative. I’m clear.

Based on DOH statistics, I was part of 3.5% of cases that are asymptomatic. No sore throat. No colds or cough or sneezing. No fever. No diarrhea. Technically, I wouldn’t have known had I not been tested. 

I could have assessed myself to be Covid free after two to three days post-exposure of not developing any symptoms. I could have been roaming around, transmitting this had I not subjected myself to quarantine and testing.

So no, I do not agree with latest DOH protocols limiting testing to ‘manage the symptoms’. Pure BS. I agree with Sen Escudero saying that this is tantamount to the gov’t ‘giving up’. It is. After borrowing trillions on stupid strategies that ended up as luxury cars in garages of certain people, they are giving up on containing this, on protecting taxpayers from this. 

Nakakagalit. Inubos nila ang pera at iniwan na lang tayong ganito.

At kung yan pa rin ang gusto niyong pamamalakad, sige, ituloy niyo ang pagboto dun sa sinungaling. 

I will not end this on angry note. For I am still very thankful. I was probably asymptomatic on a combination of prayer and some modicum of health and fitness, and some dosing up on vitamins. I didn’t stop exercising even during isolation. And I stopped dieting just to make sure my body won’t be weak as it battles the virus then.

But sadly, I am not out of the woods. I can suddenly develop long Covid symptoms. I am now monitoring my BP daily as I am hypertensive. Covid has also ravaged organs other than the respiratory organ system. And with my history of childhood asthma, I also monitor my oxygen daily. 

I am now breathing in early morning West Philippine Sea air. And it feels wonderful.

Buhay Pandemia: Isolation

 Tinamaan rin ng lintek.

Nasa acceptance phase na ako. Di tulad nung Day 0, nung nakuha ko yun results ng RT PCR. Disbelief. Anger.

Ang daming tumatakbo sa isip ko, kasabay na rin ng mga dapat ko pang gawin ngayon na confirmed na ang pagka-positibo ko sa Covid.

Galit ako at nakapasok sa aming household ang Covid. 

Day -6 nung nabasa ko ang text ni bagong kasambahay 1. 4pm ko na nabasa, 1pm niya pinadala. Busy kasi ako sa WFH meeting ko. Nanlamig ako. May sintomas na raw siya nung umaga pa (sore throat). Binale-wala na niya muna. Kaso nag-chills at nilagnat na nung mga 11am. Kaya nakapahinga na siya.

Dali-dali kong sinabihan si kasambahay 2 na ayusin namin ang kanyang isolation room. Swerte ako na may hiwalay na unit, na may sariling CR at kwarto. Dun muna siya. Si kasambahay 2 muna ang magdadala ng mga pagkain niya. 

Nun pa lang gusto ko ng magalit kay Kasambahay 1. Bakit hindi kasi nag-iingat? Bago kasi! 

At binantayan namin lahat kung may naramdaman na kami.

Day -4 nung nalaman na namin na confirmed na positive siya for COVID. Tinawagan ko ang Barangay. Kaso sa susunod pa na araw siya pwedeng dalhin sa Quarantine Facility. Kailangan nakatutok na lang si Kasambahay 2 kay Nanay (na matanda na at Cancer and Stroke survivor). Ako na lang ang maghahatid ng pagkain ni Kasambahay 1 habang nasa isolation siya.

Ang buong akala ko, kaya kong protektahan ang sarili ko kahit ako ang humaharap sa kanya. Naka PPE pa ako, face mask pag pupunta sa kanya dala ang pagkain. Hinuhugasan ko agad ang kanyang mga pinagkainan. Puspusan ang pag-alcohol ko. Mula Day-3 hanggang Day -2, ako ang nag-aalaga kay Kasambahay 1.

Si Driver, lumabas na rin ng sintomas. Umuwi na siya sa kanila upang mag-isolate. Nahawa siguro dahil siya ang naghatid kay Kasamabahay 1 nung drive-thru RT PCR.

Day -1 nakapagtest na kami, home service. Lahat kami, walang nararamdaman. Baka naman hindi kami natamaan. Baka naman maayos ang aming mga safety protocols.

Day 0 Lumabas ang mga test. Ako lang ang nagpositive. Si Nanay, Kasambahay 2, Ate ko at bayaw ko. Ako lang. 

Saan ako nagkamali? Bakit ako nalusutan ng lintek na Covid? Buti pa si Kasambahay 2, hindi nadapuan. Mas mahusay siya sa pag-iingat? 

Ang sama ng loob ko. Naka-diet pa naman ako, simula pa lang nung Day -1. Gumamit ng Food Service Delivery. At ayan pa ang kalakip ng mensahe araw-araw. Nagkatotoo tuloy. Bwiset.

Naglipas rin ang sama ng loob. May bakas ng panghinayang pag-naalala kung ano ang mga ginawa at hindi ginawa. Ngunit hindi ko dapat sisihin ang sarili. Walang maitutulong. Ang malaking tulong ang na nailabas ko lahat kay c3, na nakinig lamang sa mga hinaing ko.

Ngayon, tuloy pa rin ang trabaho. Pero inabisuhan na magpahinga. Wag pwersahin ang sarili kahit walang sintomas. 

At nag-come out ako as CovPos (term ba yun? hehehe). Minabuti kong aminin at ipakita na wala naman dapat ikahiya ang pagkaroon ng Covid, may sintomas man o wala.

Akala ko madaraanan ko etong pandemic na hindi nakakaranas ng Covid. Hindi pala. 

Buhay Pandemia: A Comma, Not A Period.

“The end of the year is usually a period, another sentence starts. But for this year, I feel the holidys were just a comma in the paragraph of my life. The quicker I  continue where I left off, the better I feel.” My tweet earlier.

But I will still indulge in some 2021 navel-gazing.  Work was good, despite the pandemic. I felt I was on top of my game. I guess the Boss agreed to, as he gave me a promotion. 

Personal projects accomplished. The series Daddy Love shoot was Jan 4 and 5 last year. First ep launched in heyPogi around end of Feb (my birthday). Then the edited YouTube cuts followed. I was happy just to break even, as this was just a story I wanted told. I am ecstatic that the series did better than expected. Even ending with Rex Lantano getting a Best Actor nomination. Wow.

I finally have our ancestral land in Cavinti, Laguna transferred in my name. This was a promise I made to my father before he passed. I was blessed to have met good people who helped me in the process. 

We finally had our first harvest of rice from Fierro Farm in Cabangan in November. And it was good tasty rice! 

The new condo along Roxas Blvd. was turned over in February 2021. I finally finished renovation and furnishings last week. So satisfied with how it turned out. 

Physically, I peaked around June last year. It was a home-gym body that I was proud of, proud enough to have it captured on photos professionally. LOL. Then downhill since then. I had to stop lifting weights mid-November as my rotator cuff injury worsened. I tried being plant-based for 7 months. But my blood chem results did not show any difference. So I am back to enjoying meat. Just in time for the holidays.  

I also stopped my daily weigh-ins. I know I will be in for a shock (and disappointment) once I resume by Monday. Ugh. 

Two new cars for the year. One is a company-issue. The other is my personal car. I got to replace Simply Red (my Mx5) with an equally fun, quirky vehicle, Mini C (Mini Cooper S). And I am enjoying driving again. 

But going back to my original thought… a lot of projects are ongoing, year in and year out. Hence, there are no periods, just other punctuation marks. 

The Cabangan resort is opening up to guests. With a few more enhancements, I should be ready for full AirBnB listing. 

And speaking of opening up, I opened up to some team mates about being gay. It happened when they visited the resort. They so appreciated my candor and trust. And I felt so good being able to tell them about my truth.

I am eager to get back to where I left off: work, my personal projects, even working out and keeping fit.  And all the challenges that 2022 has in store for me, bring these on!