Tuesday, December 29, 2009

rekindling love

i used to be crazy about piano music the way some people are crazy about beyonce, mariah, etc. solo, original piano music used to be scarce in our part of the world. it would be lumped together under 'new age' or 'world music' or even 'jazz'. id make it a point to regularly check for albums of david lanz, jim chappell, suzanne cianni, danny wright, christopher peacock, kevin kern, among others, which were few and far between.

and when i go abroad, id get delirious with the titles available there and just hoard the cd's. after amassing quite a collection, the interest has quieted down. my itunes contains a playlist of the best, and this is the one i've been listening to.

just the other day, i decided to listen again to piano music, the entire genre and not just my playlist. on shuffle mode in the car, i rekindled this love for it. it helped me get through the problems i've been encountering lately, the stresses that have been wearing me down.

yesterday, i met piano player. and he introduced me to the music of a new piano artist by playing it for me over the phone. i was enthralled.

and today, jim chappell sent me a message and another free download of his latest song. confluence of events when i needed them most.

im watching me experiencing this serene joy again of piano music.

Monday, December 28, 2009


im trying to catch myself in emotion. part of the exercise of the book 'awareness' is to be aware of your self. instead of identifying with each and every feeling, objectify and observe the self as it feels.

it's cool watching me go through varied emotions, a lot of it arising from people, my reactions to them.

i felt the depression and anxiety arising from burdens related to my big personal projects. when i hear bad news, my spirit sinks to lows. i keep silent, preferring this to blowing my top. i let the depression run its course. i look at myself suddenly quiet, tense. i try to understand where it comes from. i realize i harbor resentments towards a family member. i felt abandoned midstream, left with the ball and no one to pass it to.

then the mood changes. as i face clients and guests, i put on a happy face. that external 'face' starts to influence my own state of mind. and i start to lighten up. and i realize that being with clients is not such a chore. i enjoy being with them.

i am in malate. i feel happy chatting away with my friends. then i start to get bored. my eyes wander and focus on this cute young'un across, with his big barkada. we steal glances. i start to feel this thrill, this lust as i look forward to meeting him and having sex with him.

but that doesnt happen. we go home ahead of them. and feelings start to go south with frustration. my libido remains unreleased.

emotions ebb and flow. its sad to realize how so much of what i feel comes from other people. i must be like this puppet. they push me one way, i react and feel this way. The push another button, i feel differently.

the book asks the question, what value is there in a life where all i feel is beyond my control and in other people's hands?

Thursday, December 24, 2009

a different christmas

in many many ways. the feeling is strange. the day started baaad. problems. problems. problems. it's ending on a good note. nothing ecstatically gleeful. the depressed mode has passed on its own. didnt have to get rid of it. now just alone in the condo. im left here at peace with myself. remembering the peace He gives.

a peaceful christmas to you, dear raiders... =)

desperately looking for one more follower

i told myself i was going to include the list of those who follow this blog when i hit 100. that was last march when i had like 20+. i lowered the bar to 75. then down to 50. i was getting very realistic.

after months, im now down to the last follower, to one more person i will hug personally. LOL. so im announcing the availability of this last slut. oops. slot. up for grabs.

and if it takes me another six months to look for one, ill slash my wrist. JOKE.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

sales cycle blues

as the year closes, sales people (working for business which follow calendar, not fiscal year) are in the final stretch to hit targets. hitting annual targets assures windfall bonuses/incentives. as most companies shift more of compensation money from fixed compensation (monthly salaries) to variable compensation (performance-based), you can imagine how critical the final days are.

and this goes all the way up to the c.e.o.

so here i am, busy computing for deficits, looking for incremental revenues to make sure the targets are met. it is very stressful. it's like waiting for election results. there are a lot of wheeling and dealing. all happening even as everybody else (not in sales or marketing) are already enjoying the holidays (and the traffic and the crowds).

yet, it brings out the best in people who are cut out for the job. you see sales people going all out, squeezing every drop from each account. one needs to be creative, analytical, quick on his feet. last-minute decisions cost millions of pesos, literally.

it is not for the faint-hearted. the rewards, however, are immense, both financially and psychologically.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

cc dares and bares

cc is experimental and bold. change in profile pic. hehehe. but that bod is cc a few months back. december bingeing has the bod bulging in the wrong places. just so i will not be guilty of false advertising claims. LOL.

so why is cc darin' and barin'? WALA LANG. walang magawa kung di paglaruan ang profile settings online.

cc in bed

i joined enigma and his friends for d&d (drink&dance) in bed malate. i came from a party and semi-loaded with absolut the vodka, not the mineral water. super-crowded, wanted to meet up with mcvie but couldnt find him. i stayed with enigma in one corner of the bar most of the night.

i didnt enjoy as much. im just starting to be aware that bed is not the place i want it to be. (1) i want to dance. and dance with wild abandon. (2) i like pop music, as baduy as that may sound. but those are the songs i want to dance to. bed is none of that. i can't dance because it gets too crowded. or if it's not, i can't dance because it's embarrassing to be one of the few dancing. they don't play as much pop as i'd like them to. i can only keep dancing to beats and synths for so long. then i get bored and tired.

the cuties. well they are still there. and they are all still on 'project' (accent on 2nd syllable)-mode. and even if they are enough incentive to stay there, i dont have the energy to carry on the flirting game anymore. effort masyado.

i enjoyed being with enigma. he is still the same sweet guy, twice the size, though. hehehe. gave me his xmas gift. awwww. hugged him tight. there remains this undercurrent of affection between us. (or is it just my imagination?) i invited him to sleep over. he politely declined, saying he brought his own car.

and even as i try to re-ignite some flame somewhere, i hesitate because he IS leaving for the u.s. soon. so that undercurrent will remain little eddies that play in the sea of cc's heart.

cc and ballroom dancing

part of the job description is to be the highest paid gro of the company. lol. i dont mind entertaining top clients. a part of me is actually still in awe that some of them consider me a personal friend. i treasure these friendships. i am careful not to abuse them. on occasion, i go out with them, usually to lunch or dinner.

but with some of them, it's bonding during ballroom dancing. so cc put on his dancing shoes and ready smile a few nights ago.

i dont really dance as much. i started some dance lessons for the managers previously but i wasnt able to sustain it. schedule problems. well, there's always the d.i. of course, i had to be with the female kind. and she was leading me quite well. dancing is quite a workout, especially for my calves! but there really is joy to be found in moving in graceful harmony.

on another note, there are still those male d.i.'s. some of them as fishy-smelling as divisoria wet market. some of them are very attractive, like the d.i. one of the ladies brought. good dancing is really entertaining to watch, too. i am particularly entertained by handsome dancers who are able to balance grace and masculinity, a fine line indeed.

balloon thought. id like to hire a d.i. to teach me. can't i hire a male d.i. who will be play the lady part as he teaches me? hmmm

Thursday, December 17, 2009

faculty goes whacky

last night, i was in u.p. dililman theater to witness an annual event. no its not the streaking. neither is it the lantern parade. i think they call it faculty follies. faculty and staff of participating colleges/institutes present production numbers, entertaining students and colleagues alike for about 2 1/2 hours.

career etoh. it is a major production, not just some backyard christmas party dance number. the theme, costumes, music editing, rehearsals, im starting to wonder if they still have classes in u.p. during december! even the stage, lighting was very well executed.

the emcee, a phd full-time prof, was totally in control. you wouldnt have imagined his credentials with the way he hosted. he seemed straight out of the library, klownz, punchline. superb!

the audience was, expectedly, roaring with laughter as they watched their teachers and mentors totally lose it!

the young faculty i couldnt distinguish from students anymore! napakabata talaga nila. and they were totally into what they were doing. hamming it up, cross-dressing even. being sexy and whacky. que ver ang respeto after!

which brings me to a point - does one actually lose respect from students, or even officemates, if one willingly goes all out to entertain? my opinion. in this day and age, doing such presentations actually earns one more respect and admiration from students and colleagues. they respect work-life balance. they look up to people who are not afraid to be human. they admire people who can lead and manage in all seriousness, yet be able to let their hair down every so often.

i salute these men and women. it still takes a lot of courage to actually do this. but the satisfaction, the gratification of seeing your students, constituents totally absorbed and entertained is incomparable!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Mr Ripley = Mr Someone

he also admitted that he was the one who sent me the postcard and the gift.

Mr Ripley Revealed

i wasnt planning to go online last night. I wanted to sleep early. But I had to check some emails. And i just had to peep in YM. And I just happen to see a friend. And we had to chat. And that chat lasted for more than an hour. And since I was visible to all in YM, someone just happened to be online, too. And wanted to say hi.

he is another FB acquaintance. round the same time i met mr ripley. we chatted over fb once or twice. he got my number, never texted. then, as the story goes, i became 'involved' with mr ripley.

ill refer to him as mr personality or mp. mp is supposedly ripley's ex-date. and ripley spoke highly of him.

in the course of the ripley affair, i remembered not seeing mp in my list of fb friends anymore. though he requested an add over at friendster.

when the ripley affair blew over, i sent a message to mp over a friendster, hoping to talk to him to shed light on ripley, aware that they used to 'date'. but he never responded.

mp suddenly came back to my fb life, requesting for an add, saying that i must have deleted him. still wanting to know about ripley, i quickly added him up. viewing his new fb profile, i was shocked to see some details about ripley appear in there! things like that high school he came from, that he was in new york, and some other stuff that i closely associated with ripley. could mp be mr ripley?

he started texting me. and in my curiosity, i engaged. and when he requested for coffee meet-up, i agreed.

i met him for the first time in gbelt. and i was careful about opening the ripley topic. and even before we got to that, what we were talking about was almost exactly what i was discussing with ripley. finally, i opened up the topic, and told him about ripley. he confirmed knowledge of ripley. and supposedly fell into the same trap that i was in. according to him, ripley just disappear from his life. and from the way he talked, he told me that ripley ripped his identity elements and 'stole his personality'.

i showed him then that i accepted his story without question. and we parted as friends. that night, i sent my sister his picture to confirm if this was the guy she met at ripley's house in new york. the guy who introduced himself as ripley's cousin. my sister confirmed. and that finally convinced me that mr ripley = mr personality.

i didnt want to confront mp anymore. i just decided to avoid him, not reply to his texts. i remained cordial, though, not wanting to antagonize him, not knowing what he is capable of.

last night, mp chatted with me after i was finished chatting with my friend. i seized the opportunity to finally confront him. and thank heavens, he finally admitted.

he had this crush on me upon adding me on fb. he instinctively knew i wouldnt give him the time of day so he posed as mr ripley, getting the pics of his unsuspecting friend in new york. he carried on the charade because he was too afraid of how id react. he was in too deep in the lie of a life he created. and he was into me too much, too.

getting in touch with me as himself, mr personality, was his way of slowly trying to reveal himself. though he still struggled with when and how. and he was also mr someone, who sent me the postcard and the christmas gift yesterday. he apologized profusely and regretted what he had done.

i wasnt angry at him. i was glad that this event finally had closure, real closure. i told him that. i told him though that there could be no friendship at all, for there is no more basis for trust. i was also relieved that he wasnt some business foe, or some bitter ex who could have some really sinister plans for me. he was just an infatuated guy who didnt believe in himself.


i went through a phase in my life of severe insecurity over how i looked. i was hungry for affirmation in the physical department. so i labored, worked out, tried to improve myself. i could understand where he was coming from. but i chose another path, to make myself be liked, be admired, be attractive.

i can still feel pangs of insecurity. i can still be painfully aware of the limitations of my 'looks'. and even as this ripley story is a lesson of how desperately lonely i could get, it is also an affirmation, convoluted as it may seem. but that affirmation has some severe consequences. consequences i thought were reserved for models and stars.

be careful what you wish for.

Monday, December 14, 2009

he has it all

last saturday night, i attended a dinner party hosted by a plu couple. a new couple. one of them happens to be a good friend of mine, legal eagle.

it was a wow dinner. arranged by the pool side. buffet menu catered exclusively for a group of about 25 friends. this is one of the luxurious condominium enclaves in makati. and as we were having dinner, there was an acoustic guitar music playing live in the background.

i can finally say legal eagle is one plu who has got it all. his legal practice is thriving. he himself comes from a well to do family down south. and now, he is very much in love with a gorgeous banker, who comes from a rich political family. smart, witty, well-bred, hung like a horse, muscular.

im green with envy. and happy for my friend. it's a charmed life.

a gift from mr someone

a gift arrived by mail today. a pleasant surprise. i love surprises. but more surprisingly, it came from someone, mr someone

dearest cc,

im sure you have already received the postcard i sent you... well, here's another present for you. i hope you'll like it and of course, it fits you.

just a simple token that you are always remembered.

stay safe always.

merry christmas!

from mr someone

i opened the gift and found this nice striped shirt.

im flabbergasted, and a bit unnerved. first it was a postcard. now, a gift. all by mail. effort eto.

i have my suspicions who mr someone is. i dont know how to confirm. im touched by all this. but i wish he'd be more direct. nevertheless, it is a lovely gesture.

thank you, mr someone.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

user friendly

im flattered at some of the positive comments on the grand eb post. it made me feel like i am a person interesting enough for people to read, to get to know.

ive been trying to be more 'aware', in the tony de mello sense of the word. i try to be aware of my 'self' in the third person pov, particularly when i am feeling strong emotions, anger, irritation, lust...

moony dropped by the condo. it was nice seeing him. he looked awfully cute. and i felt this surge of desire again. he was trying to keep some distance, trying to keep it friendly. i watched myself play up to his continuing attraction for me. i asked for a brief massage for my aching body. he was kind enough to indulge me. i wanted something more. and i got it. he stopped resisting.

i visited carlito. he is this sexy former therapist, who has moved his way up the ladder of the spa he works at. he doesnt do massage anymore. but he didnt refuse when i asked for him at the counter. i knew he still had a soft spot for me.

he was playing it cool and professional. but he turned me on. i kissed him as we finished my body scrub. he gave in. and we had it wild and wet right there. massage service cancelled in favor of closer body contact.

that is how selfish i am, i could be. i played up to their attraction to get my release. at first i felt this power over them. that in itself was already an aphrodisiac. then i watched this emotion turn to guilt and disgust. nothing admirable in me at all.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

ang galing ng bading

talentado talaga ang mga bading. imagine mo, isang dosenang mala-beyonce ang nagsasayaw! gow na gow!

Friday, December 11, 2009

bui: grand eb of cc blog readers??!!

im suddenly imagining this eb of cc blog readers. first, it won't be many. the count of registered followers dont even make half of a hundred, so that should be manageable. and besides, there will probably be an attendance rate of 30% so im really talking about something intimate here.

id love to actually meet you, to personally thank you for giving time and effort to actually read this blog of mine. id probably even hug you!

the cocktails and pica-pica will be overflowing. dance music in the background. id be hopping from one table to the next, making sure you are all comfortable.

all this time, id be wearing a mask, still desperately trying to conceal my identity. harang ba?

if you met me face to face, is there something you would ask me or tell me? what would it be?

just finished rounds of beer with the help at the roof deck. i found it apt to 'inaugurate' the deck with some of the people who have helped me.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

a blessed feeling

i've always wanted to have a balcony or patio or terrace. i've always wanted to walk out to some outdoor area with plants and open space.

i like panoramic views. i could just stare at such scenes for hours.

i finally have one, one i could call my own. my new house includes a roof deck, accessible from the attic. even from the drawing stage, i was already so excited. i could already picture in my mind how it was going to turn out.

and as the house was being built, i was growing impatiently to see how that roof deck will come out. when there was finally access to the deck, in all its rawness, i had to get to it. despite the rickety steps, the dusty uneven cement floor, despite the absence of railings, i was able to reach it. and despite the not-so-nice view of rusty roofs in suburban manila, i was in heaven. it was my piece of sky, as lola barbra sings so well.

now it's almost done, just some lighting fixtures waiting to be installed. the grillwork for railings is waiting for potted plants. the tiled deck is ready for night caps and even parties.

i feel so blessed just staying there, taking in the cool december breeze. i feel such peace and serenity, looking at the lights of ortigas in one area, and makati in the other.

i wish i could share that deck with you, blogreaders...

Monday, December 7, 2009

manila uli

glad to be back. i was getting a bit homesick there. and that was just six days out. i initially didnt want to go anymore. i have yet to fully enjoy my new office. im still building the new house. it was a heavy heart that left dec 1.

but a happy heart returned. im really glad i did make it. renewed bond with a friend/supplier there. i met him five years ago during my trip there. he was a stand out during the convention because he was really good looking, dapper and stylish, though quite vertically challenged. but he really had this gorgeous face, great smile. and we instantly hit it off. back then, he was the only one who bothered to show me the sights of mumbai. he eventually became a supplier and friend. because of our friendship, he has been to manila many times and has established business relationships here.

my initial attraction to him has waned greatly. though i catch myself looking at him and thinking to myself how handsome this guy really is. and how hopelessly straight. and how i remain in my li'l closet with him around. i dont know if he is slowly getting the hint about my plu nature. he still insists on us meeting girls (despite his marital status).

on our last day, he told us we were going to the beach area where there are factories to visit. he was going to bring his cousin. and cousin turned out to be H-O-T. he was buffed and oozing with sex appeal, dressed in straight jeans with a long-sleeve shirt tucked in to show off a great set of buns. my attraction quickly shifted to cousin. he even showed me pics of his well developed musculature (as he was admiring mine -choz). i had to be conscious of my actions around him. careful that the drool won't be noticed. meeting cousin became a high of that trip.

but this was a business trip. and productive it was. we managed to quickly build a network among the suppliers, all of whom were eager to show us the superior quality of their products, refuting that old notion of cheap, poor quality indian products. i hope that as we start our negotiations, we will be able to reach that compromise point. this is critical for the attainment of our strategic objectives.

needless to say. i will be going back to bombay. :)

mumbai's industrial estates

the term conjures sprawling grounds with newly-built factories and warehouses, major enterprises needing huge capital investments. the one i visited was so far from that image. it was in a 5-storey building, surrounded by dusty, dirty shanties. inside were corridors that had condinium type units that house small and medium enterprises. one door opened to a four-color printing machine. another to rows of sewing machines. another to a confectionary packaging equipment. at first i was appalled at the squalid. walls were 'spit-painted'. then i realized that these estates housed the businesses that are driving the indian economy. even as the country had its billion dollar conglomerates, it fuels the machines of these SME's. unlike the philippine economy driven by the services sector, india is both manufacturing and services-based. that estate provides less capital-intensive real estate ideal for start-up mfg-based firms. amazing.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

almost sex: bombay version

writing this makes me feel a tad foolish. i've just blogged about not possibly encountering any hindu plu. then i work out at the posh health club. and as i walk out towards the lobby, still in my tank top and shorts, i encounter this cute, young employee, who had a ready smile, eager to open the glass doors for me.

what a cute smile. i walk out and glance back. did i just see him glance back, too??? so i stopped and slowed my steps. i look at him and see him glance back again, even as he moves away.

the unmistakeable look of sex. i slowly make a u-turn and follow him. he waits for me behind a pillar.

how are you, sir.
im good. thanks.
are you looking for the lift lobby?
ah yes... (tentative answer)
it's on the other side, sir.
ok. thanks. (embarrassed)
what's your room number?
its ****. (flushed at the openness)
ill go up there later.
aah. im sharing the room.
ok. go up the executive lounge and look for me.
i dont think i have access there.
go through the back entrance, the service entrance. if someone asks, just tell them you are lost.
see you. (he walks away. blows me a kiss. and disappears)

decision. decision. i can't risk looking really stupid 'getting lost' in the executive lounge. i'm so tempted. but i give it up. too much risk involved.

so i take it back. yeah, sa bawat gubat ay may ahas. :-)

back in bombay

it has been five years since my last trip here. the international airport has been renovated since. what used to be worse than the NAIA is now better. immigration, baggage handling has improved. notably, the smell in the air seemed better.

i got off to a good start. i met for the first time an fb friend in NAIA since he happens to work there. we've transitioned from fb chats to txt messages. and with this trip, it would be the perfect time to meet him. he looked a lot better in person, taller. and he was able to let me check-in without the queueing... straight to the business class counter! and pretty much, he stayed with me till boarding time.

so despite that horrible experience with posers a few months back, fb has found some redeeming value in my NAIA friend!

i'm re-reading this book on the plane, awareness by anthony de mello. this priest of indian descent has written very thought-provoking books mashing up catholicism, hindu mysticism, philosophy and psychology. the more famous books are actually all parables, short stories that need to be pondered.

this book im reading, awareness, is actually like a transcript of a retreat he gives on awareness and waking up. it was written, nay transcribed and edited by his colleague since he passed away 1987. very challenging viewpoints that reminded me of my beloved fabcasters. yes, he challenges ideas with the same bluntness (and care) of gibbs, mcvie, mgg, tony and aj. i cant even begin to understand the concepts.

if you're into that, pick up the book.

back to bombay... this is purely a business trip. i was trying to google some pink pleasures here but i stopped after reading that 'homosexual intercourse' remains illegal in most parts of the country! yikes.

ive met a lot of indians, south asians before. and i couldnt remember meeting anybody gay (as picked up by my gaydar). i guess it is because of their very sharp facial features (deep-set eyes, angular jaw, high-bridged noses) that make them look so ... male. the only gay indians i've seen are in the movies. so this trip will remain purely business.