awareness

im trying to catch myself in emotion. part of the exercise of the book 'awareness' is to be aware of your self. instead of identifying with each and every feeling, objectify and observe the self as it feels.

it's cool watching me go through varied emotions, a lot of it arising from people, my reactions to them.

i felt the depression and anxiety arising from burdens related to my big personal projects. when i hear bad news, my spirit sinks to lows. i keep silent, preferring this to blowing my top. i let the depression run its course. i look at myself suddenly quiet, tense. i try to understand where it comes from. i realize i harbor resentments towards a family member. i felt abandoned midstream, left with the ball and no one to pass it to.

then the mood changes. as i face clients and guests, i put on a happy face. that external 'face' starts to influence my own state of mind. and i start to lighten up. and i realize that being with clients is not such a chore. i enjoy being with them.

i am in malate. i feel happy chatting away with my friends. then i start to get bored. my eyes wander and focus on this cute young'un across, with his big barkada. we steal glances. i start to feel this thrill, this lust as i look forward to meeting him and having sex with him.

but that doesnt happen. we go home ahead of them. and feelings start to go south with frustration. my libido remains unreleased.

emotions ebb and flow. its sad to realize how so much of what i feel comes from other people. i must be like this puppet. they push me one way, i react and feel this way. The push another button, i feel differently.

the book asks the question, what value is there in a life where all i feel is beyond my control and in other people's hands?