Friday, August 31, 2012

Carlito 20, Paolo 14, Emily 10

Matagal rin pinigil ni Carlito ang sarili bago kumilos. Alam niyang napapansin na ni Lucas na matamlay pa rin siya. Hindi niya pinapakita ang galit na nagkakabuhay sa kaibutiran ng kanyang puso.

Hindi naging maganda ang kinalabasan ng pag-uusap nila ni Emily. Babalikan na lamang niya ang babaeng yun sa susunod.

Napunta kay "Paolo" ang atensyon at galit ni Carlito. Tulad ng kay Emily, wala siyang alam tungkol sa kanya. Maliban siguro sa mas bata eto, dahil "Kuya" ang tawag kay Lucas. Ano kaya itsura niya? Hot kaya? At paano kaya sila nagkakilala? Isang malaking pagkakaiba: hindi alam ni Lucas na may alam na siya. At alam pa niya ang numero.

Pinindot niya agad sa cell phone niya ang numero at tinawagan. Sinagot naman agad.

"Hello. Si Paolo ba eto?"

"Si Pao po. Sino po sila?"

"Di mo ako kilala. Ako si Carlito, yung partner ni Lucas." Hindi na umimik ang kausap.

"Tang-ina kang hayop ka. May partner na yung tao, pinapatulan mo pa. Hindi mo kilala kung sinong tinatalo mo. Gago ka. Lumayo ka na kay Lucas. Bumalik ka na sa lunggang pinanggalingan mo. Tandaan mo. Kaya kitang ipaligpit." at binaba ni Carlito ang telepono.

Napangiti siya sa ginawa niya. Feel na feel niya ang kanyang Celia Rodriguez acting. Kinailangan lang niyang sindakin ang karibal, para matauhan.

Nasindak naman kaya? Kaya ba niyang iparamdam kay Paolo na totoo ang banta niya? Di na muna niya inisip ang mga detalye. 'Intimidation is the name of the game.' Yun ang gagawin niya dito. Tinotopak na talaga si Carlito.

Si Lucas naman ay nanumbalik na sa dating gawain. Naka-focus na muli sa trabaho. Wala na munang inaatupag na kalokohan, maliban sa nangyari dun sa beer garden. Kung tatamaan man ng libog, sa massage na lang. Natutunan na rin niya ang patakaran, at tinanggap na niya na yun lang ang paraan upang makapag-release siya na hindi siya guilty.

Makaraan ang ilang araw at nagulat na lamang siya ng may naghihintay sa gate ng bahay - si Paolo. Ayaw niya sanang harapin ang bagets. Ngunit nahuli na siya. Bumaba siya at sinalubong si Paolo.

"Oh, Pao, anong ginagawa mo dito?"

"Hindi kita dapat aabalahin, Kuya. Alam kong tinanggal mo na ako sa iyong buhay."

Ang sakit palang marinig yun, isip ni Lucas. Nahiya siya sa sarili.

"Ahh hindi naman sa ganun, Pao.... uhmm. Busy lang sobra. Patapos na ang year..."
"Hindi ko hinihingi ang paliwanag mo, Kuya. Nandito ko kasi may nanggugulo sa akin."

Binuksan na niya ang gate at pinapatuloy si Paolo sa loob.

"Wag na. Dito lang ako. Kuya, ginigulo ako ng jowa mo."

"Huh? Sinong jowa?"

"Pucha naman, Kuya. Sino pa ba? Ilan ba talaga jowa mo?"

"That's not what I meant."

"Si Carlito, Kuya! Ginugulo ako! Pucha!" at nag-umpisang tumulo ang luha ni Paolo.

Naguluhan si Lucas. Paano niya nakuha ang number ni Paolo? At paano niya nalaman ang kanilang ugnayan? Shit!

"Halika nga, pumasok ka sa loob ng bahay." Inakay niya paloob ang batang umiyak na ng husto.

"Kuya, lumayo na ako. Sabi niya layuan kita. Di na kita kinulit mula nun. Pucha naman, hanggang ngayon nanggugulo pa siya."

"Anong gulo? Ano pa ang mga sinasabi niya sa iyo?"

"Sisirain raw niya career ko. Isusumbong raw niya ako." at tuloy ang pagluha. "Eto, basahin mo ang mga text niya."

Niyakap na niya si Paolo, upang huminahon. At binasa niya ang mga pinadalang messages ni Carlito. Hindi naka-save ang number. Kinumpara pa niya sa number na gamit ni Carlito. Galing nga sa kanya.

Puro banta, intimidation, ang laman ng mga mensahe. Hindi niya lubos-maisip na si Carlito nga eto.

"Look, Pao, I'm so sorry for this. Hindi ko alam na nalaman niya ang mga nangyari."

"Kuya, hindi ko dapat sabihin sa iyo. Yung isang tawag niya, kasama yun sa banta. Wag na wag ko raw sasabihin kundi malilintikan ako."

"Pao, wag ka ngang magpadala sa kanya. Anong magagawa niya? Nasa Manila siya. Paano naman niya ikaw sasaktan? Puro banta lang yan. Puro hangin."

"Di ko siya kilala, Kuya. Ikaw lang makakapagsabi niyan."

"Trust me. Pucha, walang magagawa yun. Hindi naman mayaman o pulitiko pamilya nun."

Nakayakap pa rin si Paolo kay Lucas. Hindi na siya umiiyak. At habang nakayakap ang isang kamay, ang kabila naman ay unti-unti ng namamasyal sa hita ni Lucas. Naramdaman niyang iba na ang pakay ng kamay. Bumitaw siya sa pagkakayakap.

"Pao, I... I really don't want to do this anymore."

Tinignan siya ni Paolo, at mukhang gumigilid-gilid na naman ang luha.

"What did I do wrong, Kuya?"

"Hindi ikaw, Pao. Hindi na natin pwedeng ituloy. Hindi ko na kayang lokohin si Carl. Sorry na bigla na lang akong nawala. I thought that was the best for us."

Biglang tumayo si Paolo.

"Ok lang, Kuya. Ok lang. Hindi naman ako nagpunta dito para makipagbalikan. Alam kong tapos na. Ganun talaga ang gamit. Pag tapos na, ibasura na lang." may galit na sa tono ng bata.

"Shit, Pao... " umiiling si Lucas.

"Kuya, ang gusto ko lang tigilan na ako ni Carlito sa panggugulo. Wala akong balak na agawin ka sa kanya. Pakilinaw lang sa kanya."

"I'll take care of it. I'm sorry, Pao" inaabot niya sana ang braso ngunit lumayo si Paolo.

"Alis na ako. Isipin mo yung mga ginagawa mo, Kuya. Wag ka ng manakit ng iba. Baka ma-karma ka."

At lumabas na ng bahay si Paolo.

'Baka ma-karma ka.'

Di pa ba karma etong hindi matapos-tapos na gulo ng buhay niya? tanong ni Lucas sa sarili. Paano niya kakausapin si Carlito? Ano kaya ang balak nito?

"Sus! Kung kailan naman nagbabagong buhay! Shit, naman, Carl!" nandun ang takbo ng utak ni Lucas ng biglang may nag-text. Si Emily.

"Sked ko bukas chek up. Samahan mo ako."
"Wow, sumabay pa 'to! Nampucha namang buhay 'to!" Ganun na lang ang galit ni Lucas at napasigaw siya sa loob ng bahay. Karma na nga siguro eto. Pinagpasiya niyang samahan si Emily.

"K. wer mit?" at inayos na nila ang tagpuan ng dating kalaguyo.

Iba na ang itsura ni Emily ng magkita sila. Maaliwalas. Sa katotohanan, maganda siya. May glow sa mukha, kahit hindi nakangiti. Mukhang bagay sa kanya ang pagbubuntis, kahit hindi pa halata sa hugis ng katawan.

"Hi." binati niya si Emily habang palapit.

"Hi. Kay Dr. Santiago ako." at nauna ng lumakad si Emily papuntang clinic. Sumunod si Lucas at humabol sa paglalakad.

"Uhmm. Musta ka na, Em?" tanong niya.

"Ok lang. Nandito Nanay ko para tumulong sa akin."

"Mabuti naman. Yung panganay mo?"

"May school kaya nasa Tacloban pa."

"Ahh." at tahimik pa rin sila.

"P500 ang consultation fee. Ang bayad after na."

"Ok. Yeah, naghanda ako.... Naglilihi ka na ba?"

"Hindi pa." natawa ng bahagya si Emily.

"Pinaglihi raw ako sa kasoy, sabi ng nanay ko."

"Kasoy? Weird naman nun."

Natawa na rin si Lucas. "Oo nga. At parang walang dating."

"Kamusta na ang boyfriend mo?"

Napatigil si Lucas sa tanong. Lumunok at dahan-dahan na ring sinagot. "Ayun, pareho pa rin. Nasa Manila na."

"Oo nga. Alam ko. Tinawagan ako nung paalis."

"HUH? Tinawagan ka rin?" Halos mahulog si Lucas sa kinauupuan nila sa clinic.

"Yeah. Hindi ko alam anong gusto. Weird talaga yung partner mo."

Natulala na si Lucas. Si Pao at si Emily, tinawagan. Hinalukay niya ang telepono niya! Tang-inang 'yon!

"Anong sabi?"

"Wala masyado. Di ko in-entertain, no? Gulo niyo yan. Binabaan ko ng telepono."

"Fuck him. Em, that's good. Just don't entertain him. I don't know what he's up to."

"Ano? Takot ka? May sayad pala syota mo?"

"Shit. I don't know. Basta huwag mong kausapin."

"Wala akong balak. Gago ka kasi. Na-karma ka."

At tinawag na sila ng secretary para pumasok sa loob ng clinic.








- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Recital: A Series of Learnings

The idea of holding a 'recital' was inspired by a friend's traditional birthday concert. He loves to sing. And he does have a nice voice and excellent showmanship. And since he holds quite a comfortable position, he is able to assemble resources to hold his own concert during his birthdays. I have to admit that the idea made me cringe the first time I was invited. It seemed so ... conceited? self-promoting?

Those notions were quickly dispelled, however, as I watched and became so entertained by my friend's singing and his in-between spiels. He truly is a gifted entertainer. And people were just too glad to have been invited for free to have a great time.

And now, I, too, am enjoying singing. The voice lessons have made me confident to share my talent. And my teacher has always been encouraging me to just go out there and sing. An actual performance is the best way to get feedback.

The final opportunity came with my mom's 75th birthday celebration. The idea was to hold it at the elderly home she volunteers at and have a simple merienda cena. And to entertain her guests with my 'mini-concert'! She loved the idea! And soon the wheels were set in motion.

Unfortunately, as the event drew closer, my voice teacher became indisposed. So I relied mainly on some songs I felt comfortable with. And I arranged for a pianist-friend of my mom to accompany me. We set some rehearsals that went fine.

A week before the event, disaster struck. I developed a cough that soon became laryngitis, after I 'jammed' with a client at her home. I noticed how my throat was starting to hurt as I sang those pop songs of yesteryears (Barry Manilow). Lesson No. 1: Realize that pop singing is very different and can actually hurt my voice box.

So days before the event, I had lost my voice and I was coughing terribly. And to recover fast, I had to abstain from singing until it healed. What I thought would have been more days for practice and rehearsal turned to naught. However, I could not be quiet all the time! I still had to speak at the office.

We had to do one final rehearsal the night before. And thankfully, my voice was at 70%, enough to run through the songs with the pianist. But I realized then, that it wasn't just my voice, I haven't fully memorized some of the songs. Lesson No. 2: Never include songs that have not been fully studied. Ever.

I did my online research and consulted my dad (a doctor). I took some corticosteroids for the immediate reduction of the inflammation. Truth be told, I first heard about it while watching 'Smash' the TV series. Yes, it worked miracles for I felt wonderful on the day itself. And I was trying to be as restful as possible (the program was scheduled at 3pm) in the morning. But one could not fully be rested since I also happened to be chief coordinator of the party. So I was still making sure the caterers, the sound system, etc. were all properly set up. Lesson No. 3: Ask for help. Concentrate on the singing.

Finally, the program started. The prayer my sister offered at the start of the program helped to calm me down. Then it was up to me. Because I was emcee, too. And when I started to sing my first few songs, the Kundimans, I realized that I was still soooo scared. I was hitting the notes but my voice was so weak and unsteady. What's worse was that I actually forgot the lyrics of one! Horror of horrors! But what to do but just smile.

What helped me relax some more were the in-between spiels. I did my homework, researching on the songs so I had something to say. And as I saw them responding to my little quips, I started to relax and enjoy. And the duets with my sister (who was equally nervous) helped me ease up. Shared misery.

The Broadway songs I enjoyed singing, especially 'The Unexpected Song.' And I was starting to really get into my element. By the time I did the tenor classics (O Sole Mio, Santa Lucia), I was already soaring. For one, the key wasn't as high. And I was able to finally get my groove with the high notes. I was finally remembering all the lessons (the voice supports, etc.)

I did two Ave Marias, which came out not quite as I would have wanted it to. In one of them, I forgot the lyrics again. Sigh. For my final two songs, however, I was in control. These were songs I felt very confident singing because of much practice.

And then it was over! What a relief! And all of them were saying that they were entertained. I was being congratulated and thanked profusely by the audience, by the guests. And I just felt wonderful.

Then came the true feedback from people I trust and love - PC and my fag hag. PC politely said that I nailed the Italian songs but my Kundiman renditions were 'wanting'. My fag hag said exactly the same thing. I really came out so nervous singing the first songs. She was actually scared for me when I got to the high notes. LOL. Lesson No. 4: Precious, sincere feedback can only come from those who love you.

For a person who loves to sing, performing before a grateful audience is the sweetest thing. And if you approach this as a craft that you want to perfect, you will need to just put yourself out there and perform.

I could have done a lot better, I know now. I could have studied my pieces really well so I didn't need the sheet music in front of me. I could have totally rehearsed, including the spiels so it could all come out more effortlessly. And I should have practiced before the program itself, so my voice, which functions like a diesel engine, could have warmed up before the program.

So many lessons learned. But heck, that's part of the process. It only becomes a bad thing if I keep on repeating the same mistakes. Well, this is about performing, not my life. LOL.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Friday, August 24, 2012

cc quickie: serial chats

I wonder if it would work. I want to meet and chat with raiders but I hardly have free time. I wonder if one-hour meet-ups in series would be acceptable. I'll stay in a coffee shop and schedule these chats as time slots: 1 - 2pm, 2 - 3pm, etc. Would it work?


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Thursday, August 23, 2012

cc quickie: car lust

What is it about cars that make me so excited? Is this a Freudian thing, from my childhood? I don't know.

i just lust over cars, particularly sports cars. And the new ones. I'm not one of those restorer types. But I appreciate well-maintained classics.

Ahhh. the sports car. The beauty and power combined. True sexiness.

No, I don't lust over SUV's. I find them too... utilitarian. hello! sports Utility vehicle nga no?! These were made for use, a comfortable truck. Unlike a sports car, made for the sheer pleasure of speed and driving. The curves were meant for better aerodynamics. Science supports sexiness.

The best part is that the sports car market is finally alive and well in the Philippines!  The success of the MX5 and the Hyundai Genesis paved the way for the 'mid-priced' sports car segment, long dormant in the country.  Finally!

Nissan recently unveiled the 370Z. And my heart is beating fast. That has the Datsun 240Z in its genes most evidently. That was one of my favorite cars from childhood.


image source: http://images.pictureshunt.com/pics/w/white_nissan_370z-6970.jpg

So Freud was right after all.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

cc quickie: it takes two

It takes two years to show some stability in a relationship. In gay-years, that's maybe five or six years? What's the exchange rate? LOL

PC and I, we've been together for two years. Has it been that long? I'm still recalling all my emo-single posts. LOL All that pining and whining for true love.

What makes this work? I don't know. hehe. All I can say is that everything is working out well. We lead a simple life together. Our together-time may be quite limited but spending it doing things we like doing makes it all worthwhile.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

It's probably too early for Sauvignon Blanc but heck, it's a holiday!  Random thoughts:

I did my Time magazine catching up earlier at the gym.  I was reading this article on Glocanomics as the new business model, kicking globalization in the ass.  I started thinking about the business and how to effectively compete.  I realized I do some great strategy thinking while reading business articles.  And of course, when I am reading business books.  But I can't sustain that for long periods of time.  I know of some people who read current business books for entertainment.  No, not me.

So Sofitel wasn't affected by Habagat as much.  They suffered heavily only during Pedring.  But that didn't stop them from loading up on those sandbags at the sea wall.  It does mar the view.  The waves are quite rough today.

I would have expected more people due to the long holidays.  But all I see are a tourists, and not locals.  Maybe the thought of rain and flood scared them away?

Sometimes I think of you, and I feel so sorry for myself.  How flawed I am as a person.  And how I don't deserve the love or attention.

Though the clouds hide the sun, I miss my sunglasses.  I left them at home.  But then again, I wouldn't be able to write on the iPad if I did.  The polarzing lens are just not made for that.

I'm a pretend wine drinker.  I've been drinking wine much though I have yet to develop that discriminating palate.  But I am really enjoying wine, red especially.  And even at 3:00 pm, I am here drinking wine.  The breeze is just amazing, though.  And I can stay here forever, if not for my spa appointment at 4pm.  Should I get another glass?



Saturday, August 18, 2012

Paolo 13, Carlito 19

Hatinggabi ng nagtext uli si Paolo.

"kuya d k n nagtxt. may prob b?"

Iniiwasan na niya ng bata. Mas mabuti ng ganito. Bigla na lang mawawala.  Ngunit ang kulit rin niya.  Naka-ilang text at missed calls na siya.  Kailan kaya magsasawa at makakahalatang ayaw na niya?

Hindi siya makatulog.  May bumagabag pa rin sa isipan niya.  Naisip niya si Carlito, na hanggang ngayon ay matamlay pa rin ang mga bati.  Galit siya kaya?  Masama pa rin loob?  Ilang ulit na rin naman niyang sinabi na isang malaking pagkakamali ang pagpatol niya kay Emily.  Ngunit parang kulang pa rin.  Parang hindi pa rin normal ang samahan nila.  At hindi na niya binabanggit ang tungkol sa condo.

Hindi na niya pinilit na matulog.  Nagsuot ng maong, ng shirt at lumabas. Umikot-ikot sa paligid. At napadpad sa isang inuman sa may Capitol.  Naupo mag-isa sa isang mesa at nag-order ng Red Horse.  'Alas dose y medya na rin pala' at tumingin sa paligid.  May iilang mga mesang may mga nag-iinuman, magbabarkada.

Napansin niya ang isang grupo, may lalaki at babae.  Masaya ang usapan, maingay.  At napansin rin niyang may isang napapatingin sa kanya.  Nakasalamin, maamo ang mukha.  Malaking kaha.

Iniwasan niyang tumingin at tinuloy ang pag-inom.  Nag-text kay Carlito. "Hey Babe. cant slip. mis u." Naramdaman niya ang pagmiss kay Carlito. Yung dating Carlito.  Yung Carlitong parang bata, makulit.  Napatingin siya sa paligid.  At nakatingin pa rin yung may salamin, sumi-simple para hindi mahalata ng mga kasama.  Nag-umpisang kumabog ang dibdib niya.  May kakaibang pakiramdam na naman.

Tumayo siya at nagtungo sa CR.  At habang nasa urinal, tinabihan na siya nung lalaking nakasalamin.  Lumakas ang kabog ng dibdib niya ng nasilip niya ang ginagawa ng katabi.  Dahan-dahang hinahawakan ang nota na malambot pa.

Natapos na siyang umihi at lumayo sa urinal.  Pumunta si Lucas sa may salamin, naghugas.  At tinignan ang lalaki sa may urinal.  Nakatingin sa kanya, hawak ang notang matigas na.  Naramdaman niyang nanunuyo ang lalamunan niya.

Nagsara ng zipper ang lalaki at nilapitan siya sa hugasan ng kamay.

"Wala kang kasama?" tinanong kay Lucas.

Tumungo lang siya sa pagsang-ayon.

"May place ako, malapit dito.  Patapos na rin kami.  Hintayin mo ako.  Paunahin ko sila." at sabay pinisil ang matigas na notang nakabakat sa maong.  Dun pa lang napansin ni Lucas ang laki.

Hindi siya umimik at lumabas ng CR.  Bumalik siya sa mesa niya at tinuloy ang pag-inom. 'Eto na naman.  Sabi ko sa sarili kong hindi na.  Pero sex lang eto.  Hindi na ako ma-iinvolve tulad nung kay Pao.'  Tuloy ang kabog ng dibdib niya.  At dun niya napansin na nagtayuan na nga ang barkada ng lalaki.  At habang palabas na ang lahat, bumalik sa CR ang lalaki.  At hindi lumabas hanggang wala na ang lahat ng kasama.  Lumapit sa kanya.

"Game ka ba?"

Tinignan niya ang lalaking umupo sa tabi na niya.  Pwede na.  Cute na may pagka-nerdy.

"Saan ang place mo?"

"Sa may Lahug."

"May kotse ka?"

"Wala."

"Naghahanap ka lang ng libreng sakay pauwi."

Tumawa ng malakas ang lalaki. "Hindi naman kailangan sa place ko.  Kaya ko namang mag-taxi.  Check in?"

Umiling siya. "Miss, magkano?" tinanong ni Lucas sa dumaang waitress.

Binalikan siya ng waitress, ni Linda, na dala ang chit niya.  Nagbayad at tumayo.  "Sunod ka." ang sinabi niya sa kasama.

Naglakad sila paloob, sa mga kalye.  At nakahanap ng isang madilim na lugar, sa may pader, nasasa-ilalim ng puno.  Tinulak siya ng lalaki sa pader.  Nagtangkang halikan si Lucas ngunit umilag siya.  Nilaplap na lang ang kanyang leeg, tinaas ang shirt niya at dinalaan, sinubo at kinagat ang kanyang utong.

Hindi siya pumipikit.  Tumitingin siya sa paligid kung may tao.  Naramdaman na niyang nasa pusod na niya ang mga labi.  Ang dila.  At nilabas na ang kanyang titing naninigas na.  Sinubo at tsinupa ng tsinupa.

"Fuck." Gusto na niyang pumikit ngunit hindi niya magawa.  Ang lakas ng kabog ng puso niya at baka mahuli sila.  Baka may makakita.

Tinignan niya ang lalaking nakaluhod sa harap niya. Sarap na sarap pa rin sa pagtsupa sa kanya.  At nagsasalsal na rin ng sarili.  Narinig niyang may parating na tricycle.  Tinayo agad ang lalaki.  Dumaan ang tricycle at hindi sila napansin.  Tinuloy na lang nila sa pagbabati habang magkaharap.

"Malapit ka na?" tanong sa kanya.

Tumungo siya.  At niluhuran siya ng lalaki, sinubo uli ang nota niya hanggang siya ay tuluyang labasan. "Tang-ina."

Nilabasan rin ang lalaki habang nakaluhod.  Madali niyang tinaas ang pantalon, at sinara ang zipper.  Lumakad sila pabalik ng beer garden.

"Sige, una na ako." nagpaalam ang lalaki at sumenyas ng isang bakanteng taxing dumaan.  Si Lucas naman ay pumunta na sa kanyang sasakyan.  Pagkaupo, kumuha ng tissue at pinunasan ang kamay.  Binuksan niyang muli ang pantalon at binaba ang brief.  Basa pa ang nota niya at nilinis niya ng sandali.

Nagdrive na siya pa uwi, at bumalik sa normal ang paghinga.  Pagdating sa bahay ay naligo siya at napatingin sa relo. '3:35 ng umaga'.  Sa wakas ay inabot na rin siya ng antok.

Samantala, ilang gabi na ring hindi nakakatulog si Paolo.  Hindi niya lubos maisip kung ano ang nangyari at bigla na lang naglaho parang bula si Kuya Luc niya.  Higit isang linggo na.  Ni text hindi sumasagot.  Hindi rin sinasagot ang mga tawag niya.  Ayaw naman niyang maging makulit. Ngunit ang bigat-bigat na rin ng loob niya.

"Bigla na lang siyang nagbago. Nawala." daing niya sa kanyang kabarkadang si Angela, isang pa-girl.    

"Kapatid, kabit ka.  Tapos na siya sa iyo. Yun lang." sagot ni Angela.

"Pero sabi niya, walang magbabago.  At tinupad kong hindi mag-communicate sa kanya habang nandito si Carlito."

"Aba, eh ganun talaga ang papel ng kabit! Day, wala kang K magreklamo."

"Bumusina ka naman, teh.  Sakit mo magsalita."

"Paolo, kilala mo ako.  Walang preno ang bibig na eto.  Ke tsismis, panglalait o nota ang kaharap! hahaha"

"Ganun lang yun, teh? Tapos na? Move on?  Ganun lang ba ako sa kanya?"

"Hindi ko masasagot yan.  But face the facts, honey.  Hindi ka niya hinaharap."

"But, 'di ba dapat sana, magpaalam ng maganda. Kaya ko naman yun."

"That's the ideal, teh.  Pero the ideal doesn't always... No... it rarely happens." sabay halakhak ang bading.

"Ikaw na ang laging wagi sa pag-ibig!" banat naman ni Paolo.

"Hoy!  He just hasn't found me yet! Charing!" at nagtawanan ang dalawa.

"Pero kapatid, seryoso... let go na!  He's not worth it.  Lalo na't ganyan ang trato niya sa iyo."

"Mahal ko siya, teh.  Dumaan nga ako sa house niya para lang makita ko kung nandito pa siya sa Cebu."

"HO MAY GULAY! Stalker ka na, teh? Yuck! You are so kadiri!  Joz kho!  Matauhan ka na! Baka ipahuli ka pa niyan!"

"Ang OA mo, teh.  Once lang yun. At napadaan lang..." Biglang naputol ang usapan ng nag-ring ang cell phone ni Paolo.  Numero lang ang lumabas.

"Hoy, sagutin mo yan.  Baka na ang Papa Lucas yan!" sigaw ni Angela.

Sinagot ni Paolo ang telepono. "Hello?  Yes.....  Si Pao po...... Sino po sila?"

Kitang-kita ni Angela na biglang namutla si Paolo.  At hindi na umimik, at nakikinig lang sa kausap.

Nang matapos, sinara ang telepono.  "Shit, teh.  Pucha. Si Carlito yun..."

"Sino? Sino yun?"

"Shit. Yung jowa ni Kuya."

cc quickie: beauty as power

I'm sitting across a senator rumored to be gay. I have this weird fantasy of being sooo goodlooking, drop-dead gorgeous that he couldn't resist catching glances at me. And inspite of himself, his reputation, his stature, he manages to send me message to meet up.

I wonder how it is to be that beautiful.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Carlito 18, Emily 9, Paolo 12

Tahimik ang biyahe papuntang airport.  Parehong maraming inisip.  Minamabuti ni Lucas na huwag na rin magsalita masyado.  Alam niyang napakalaking pasabog ang inilabas niya kagabi.  At hanggang ngayon, di pa rin siya makapaniwala na kalmado pa rin si Carlito.  Hindi pa rin siya sumasabog.  Siguro, nagbago na rin si Carlito.  O kaya, mas naintidihan niya ang hirap na parating sa buhay niya.  Kung ano man yun, ang laki pa ring pasasalamat ni Lucas sa mahinahong reaksyon ng kanyang mahal.

'Mahal'.  'Minamahal'.  Ngayon na lang niya muli na-isip muli ang salitang iyon.  At ngayon niya lang naramdaman muli ang pagmamahal kay Carlito.

Tumakbo ang utak niya kay Emily.  At kung kailan kaya tatawag, kailan maniningil.  Nakahinga pa rin siya ng malalim dahil hindi hiningi ni Emily ang pagpapakasal.  Ngunit ang kapalit naman ay hawak ni Emily ang alas tungkol sa kanyang pagkatao.  Galit muli ang nananaig sa kanyang puso.

Pagdating nila sa Departures, tinulungan niya si Carlito sa gamit hanggang maayos na sa trolley.  Tahimik pa rin si Carlito.  Ngunit inunhan niya ng mahigpit na yakap at binulungan "I'm sorry for this, Babe.  I promise to solve all of this.  Please don't worry."  Tumungo lang si Carlito, wala pa ring imik.  At tuluyan ng pumasok sa loob ng airport.

Nakauwi na si Lucas at nagbihis upang pumasok sa trabaho.  Mabagal pa rin ang kilos.  Matamlay.  Ngunit nabunutan na ng isang tinik, ang tinik na pagtatago na kanyang nakaraan kay Emily.  Hindi pa rin maalis ang kaba sa dibdib tungkol sa mga banta ni Emily.   Pero kailangan pumasok, kailangang kumayod.

Nakarating na siya sa opisina ng kliyente ng napansin niya ang mga laman na messages ng cell phone.  May message mula kay Carlito na nakarating na siya ng Maynila.  Nandun rin ang mga report ng ilang ahente niya.  At sa huli, isang mensahe mula kay Paolo.

"Kua mis u po" Tinignan niya ang oras ng padala.  Kagabi pa pala.  Napa-isip siya tungkol sa bata.  At bumalik sa pag-iisip si Carlito.  'Mahal talaga ako ni Carlito.  Hindi niya ako pinabayaan sa problema ko.'

Nagpasiya si Lucas na baguhin ang takbo ng buhay.   Tama na ang kalokohan.  Tama na ang kakatihan.  Pinangako sa sariling magiging matuwid na ang lahat.  At mag-uumpisa ang lahat kay Paolo.   Kailangan na niyang bitawan ang bata.

Nakapasok na sa boarding si Carlito.  Dun pa lang bumalik sa isipan ang mga pangyayari.  Kahit ang paalam ni Lucas sa kanya ay hindi na niya maalala.   Parang namanhid ang kalooban niya.   Binalikan ang mga narinig at nalaman tungkol kay Emily.

'Kay Lucas kaya yun?  Kaya niya kayang ituloy ang banta na ibuko si Lucas sa opisina?  Sino nga ba ang babaeng eto?  Sustento lang ba ang gusto niyang makuha?  Wala bang ibang motibo?  Ang dami niyang katanungan.  At naalala niya na hawak na niya ang cell phone number ni Emily.

Tinawagan niya si Emily.  Hindi sinasagot ang telepono.  Baka tulog pa.  O di kaya, hindi talaga sumasagot ng tawag na di kilala.

Nagpadala siya ng text "helo emily. si carl eto, bf ni lucas. gus2 ko usap tyo."

Mga ilang sandali rin ang dumaan bago nakatanggap ng text si Carlito.

"y? wat wil we tok bout?"

"can i kol?"

"k"

Tinawagan na niya muli ang number.  At sumagot na rin si Emily.

"Hello Emily.  Ako si Carlito."

Pinutol siya ni Emily. "Alam ko.  Bakit mo akong gustong kausapin?"

"Kinuwento sa akin ni Lucas ang lahat."

"Ah, open na pala siya sa iyo?  So alam mo nang nagdadalang-tao ako at kanya ang baby na eto."

"Yes, binanggit niya.  Hindi niya alam na tinawagan kita."

"So anong point mo?" Nabigla ng bahagya si Carlito sa kaprankahan ni Emily.

"Hindi mo ako kailangan tarayan." umiinit na rin ang ulo ni Carlito.

"So what's the point?  Anong gusto mong mangyari?"

"Ang dami kong hindi alam.  Ano bang naging relasyon niyo?"

"Pinagsabay niya tayo.  Ikaw nasa Manila, ako dito.  Ako nabuntis. Simple lang.  Kailangan niyang sustentuhan ang batang eto.  Wag niyo na akong idadamay sa drama niyo, ok?"

Binaba ni Emily ang telepono.  Natulala na naman si Carlito.  Galit.  Naiinis.  Napipikon.  Buti na lang at nagtawag na ng mga pasahero upang mag-board ng eroplano.

Di siya makatulog kahit saglit man sa eroplano.  At bigla niyang naalala ang isa pang pangalan - Paolo. Nabasa niya ang ilang text.  Kuya ang tawag kay Lucas.  Bakit nga ba pamilyar ang pangalang Paolo? At dun niya naalala ang isang missent message ni Lucas, sa isang "Pao".

Pucha!  Eto nga yung Pao na yun!  At pinalabas pa niya na inaanak niya?  Fucking Shit.  Naluha na siya sa inis.  'I feel so fucking stupid.'  Ngunit di niya magawang umiyak ng husto sa loob ng eroplano. Gusto niyang bumalik ng Cebu upang suntukin, sipain, sikmurain si Lucas.

'Ginawa niya akong tatanga-tanga.  Lahat ginawa ko para sa kanya.  Ang dami kong plano para sa amin.  Fuck talaga.' paulit-ulit tumatakbo sa isipan niya ang ginawa sa kanya ni Lucas.  Lintik lang ang walang ganti, sabi nga ng Nanay niya.



cc quickie: a wave washes over me

The piano solos from Shame frames the melancholia of this dark, dreary, rainy day.  I feel like I'm watching my movie, seated in the back of the car, seeing the signs of life pass by. Seeing but not seeing.  For I am inside my head, inside my heart. The piano plucks these heartstrings so exquisitely.  It brings into perspective a life, otherwise successful, but now seemingly just a failure. The many mistakes made like raindrops collecting in a puddle.  Collecting, never emptying, never forgotten or forgiven. And how the patterns repeat, over and over again.  And all one sees is a failure of growth.   It is comforting to know that all these may just be hormones.  Just biological determinants of sentiments swirling.  That I am so beholden to those neurotransmitters circulating, that all ramblings don't actually mean anything.  But they are just manifestations of something as impersonal, as scientific, as innocuous as... hormones. Yet, there is a real object to this.  Something real stimulating it.  Would I still feel this way if those hormones are not acting up?  Or would I still feel this way if that stimulus wasn't there?

Friday, August 10, 2012

Career Talk, from Grindr!

Talk about coincidences. Just as I have just finished that TLY talk, I see this Grindr FB wallpost (yes, I still have Grindr as an FB 'friend' but I don't have the app anymore. Defensive much?).



http://www.inc.com/issie-lapowsky/gay-people-make-better-entrepreneurs.html

And I realize I am in pretty good company!:

The fact is: Sexuality remains a sensitive subject in big corporate environments, especially among C-suite executives. Recently, The Wall Street Journal reported that there's not a single openly gay CEO on the Fortune 1000 list. Even those who are widely reported to be gay, including Apple CEO Tim Cook, have never publicly admitted it, a phenomenon often referred to as "the glass closet."


But this portion, which I have always intuitively felt, articulated an amazing finding:

... but according to Kirk Snyder, a professor of management communications at University of Southern California, openly gay executives may make better managers than straight or closeted executives. Snyder came to this conclusion while writing "The G Quotient: Why Gay Executives are Excelling as Leaders." His five-year study, published in 2006, consisted of interviews with both managers and employees at 2,000 businesses. The results of the study showed that employees working for gay managers reported 25 percent higher levels of employee engagement.

"What I found was that gay leaders value their employees as a whole, because they, themselves have experienced what it's like to be judged for one thing, rather than valued for who you are," Snyder says, adding that this experience not only makes for good managers, but for good entrepreneurs, as well.


That made me feel good. But ultimately, the article drives home a point about gays being 'natural' at entrepreneurship. I think of Lobster Tony and I can only agree!

Read the article in full!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Career Talk, the aftermath


Though there was some sun in the early morning, the intermittent rains were very much around last Sunday.  And I was thinking that the talk might be cancelled.  But nevertheless, I finished my presentation in the early afternoon. 




I thought I'd be early (or the attendees would be late) when I got there by 530pm.  But there were people at the TLY Hub by that time, including Miggs, Lobster Tony, Mcvie, Gibbs and Dan and some TLY volunteers.  Ngek! Huli na pala ako!  I immediately proceeded to fixing my presentation.  And when that was done, I had to calm my nerves.





Yes, calm my nerves.  Each and every presentation, performance makes me nervous.  And it has nothing to do with audience.  I think it's still stage fright.  It is fear of making a fool of myself, or of not making any impact at all.  So even this casual talk amongst friends, I found something to be afraid of.  Most of them have not seen me talk or present.  Some of them could be hypercritical.  Alam mo yan! hihihi And the lethal blow was dealt by Lobster.  Teh, do you use keynote?  Ay it's so professional.  Powerpoint ka pa rin?  Okay lang naman as long as wala kang titles that go zing, and expand.  And what do you know, my poor Powerpoint presentation is riddled with those.  Bwisit!  I wanted to revise my presentation, learn Keynote in 5 minutes!





Hay naku! Bahala na si Batman!  And I was thinking that there wouldn't be many attendees anyway.  So less people to judge me.  LOL.  But the small room did fill up.  And even as I felt my heart thumping, I was strangely reassured by their presence.  That they felt that they had something to learn and take home with them.  Enough for them to brave the rains.





Miggs opened the activity in his usual way, kwela at may halong lait, in true sing-along bar fashion!  But it helped calm me down.  Because I ended up laughing at some of his tirades... at me.  Hahaha.  





Then my time came along, and as I looked at their faces, the nerves just started to ease up.  The first few minutes still had me quite tense, but as I started to get into the presentation, I finally got into the flow of things.  And the words became easier and I started to really enjoy.  





And enjoy I did.  This is truly the first time I was talking to a group of strangers so frankly and so candidly about being born this way.  And it felt liberating to finally use terms like bakla, chenes and kyeme without fear of censure.   The audience, the kind audience, interacted not just with me, but the rest of the FabC's.  And trust Miggs to stimulate the discussion with in-your-face questions that included my 'promiscuity'! LOL





That talk was also humbling.  Because I didn't really deserve the "super successful" promo blitz, compared to a million and one other CEO's who are infinitely more successful.  But I was called upon to share, and that is what I did.  





I did include your questions, summarized or cc-ized, and will now try to answer them as I, or as we, answered them during the forum.  But then again, since I have more time now to think, the answers may actually be different now!:





PLANNING A CAREER-CHANGE MIDWAY?  Anything is possible, as long as you've done your homework in knowing what's in store for you if and when you make that move.  You need to accept that midway career changes will mean starting (usually) from scratch in the new career.  And if you are ready to being uncomfortable and inconvenienced again just to pursue that career, then go!




IS
BEING GAY A DISADVANTAGE IN MOVING UP?  Unfortunately, there is a glass ceiling. Consider women.  They represent only 3.2% of CEO's of Fortune 500 companies.  What more for (openly) gay executives?  All things being equal, the straight one, with family will be the safer, less controversial choice.  The one you, as the manager, don't have to defend all the time.  So my take is that you just have to tip the scales in your favor.  That you don't allow all things to be equal.  You just have to work harder.


HOW
DO YOU DEAL WITH DISCRIMINATION?  I believe that this comes with the territory, as long as people around us remain uneducated, or uninformed about us and how diverse we really are.  We might need to be more vocal to get 'fair treatment'.  We might show more assertiveness.  But that has its risks.  


HOW
DO YOU AVOID THE STEREOTYPES? THE LABELS?  Again, as long as people don't know how diverse we could be, they would fall back on their stereotypes as a way of dealing with things they don't know.  I believe that we should be who we are, and not have to accept the stereotypes per se.  But as I mentioned in my presentation, we could also play it up to our advantage.  The 'creative, artsy-fartsy' label they stick on us gives us an edge.  We could play up the stereotypes to our advantage by actually learning more about it and not being afraid to use it in the workplace.  


ASIDE
FROM CREATIVE INDUSTRIES, MARKETING, ARE THERE OTHER INDUSTRIES WITH LESS
PREJUDICE?  Generally, large multinationals have strong anti-gender-orientation discrimination policies.  And the world continues to evolve.  But I can also think of development work, NGO's being a lot more accepting.


IS
THERE A ROOM FOR JOB LOYALTY? OR IS COMPANY HOPPING THE ONLY WAY TO CLIMB?  There was some lively discussion here.  And it looks like this is prevalent in the BPO industry.  I talked about industry dynamics/economics here.  The BPO industry as it evolves and matures, will always be looking for talent.  And they will use what they can to attract.  McVie likened this to the Advertising industry before, where hopping from one agency to another was quite normal.  But he said that only those who are truly deserving, who have the karapatan, could actually get away with it.  However, if you are not really one of those, and yet your CV shows so much movement, that might be taken against you.  I, myself, have stayed in the company for more than two decades.  So I believe there is a place for loyalty.


HOW
DO YOU WORK WITH PEOPLE WHO FIND YOU ANNOYING?  If one or two people find you annoying, consider it their problem.  If everyone finds you annoying, maybe it is your problem.  LOL.  Seriously, that oft-quoted term 'EQ' or emotional quotient really does matter.  I find that workplace friction will eventually exact some productivity or performance costs.  And though it may be output oriented, we cannot discount the weight of 'ease of doing business'.  So perhaps, one should try not to be as annoying, especially if aware about what really annoys them about you.


WORKING
IN A CONSERVATIVE, FAMILY-OWNED CORPORATION, SHOULD I COME OUT?  Very difficult decision to make.  So many nuances that only you could answer.  On the one hand, your excellent performance should speak for itself.  On the other hand, is that performance or talent really so 'irreplaceable' that they would keep you despite knowing who you are?  I mentioned during the talk that some of the negative perceptions about PLUs revolve what we do with our spare time, knowing we 'generally' don't have families to take care of.  So we are thought to be partying and getting drunk every time.  It would certainly help our careers to be more conscious of this and to be more 'productive' about our spare time.  For your case, a
 squeaky clean image may help the conservative family realize that you have something more in common with them.  But then again, I really cannot put myself in your shoes at the moment.









It was quite an experience. And I thank Miggs for inviting me. Thanks, too, to the rest of the FabC's and Peanut Gallery who supported. And to those who attended. I just hope it was as enjoyable for you as it was for me. And to all the raiders who sent questions in response to my earlier post.

It is a charmed life.


Thursday, August 2, 2012

Carlito 17, Emily 8, Paolo 11

Nagulat si Carlito sa sarili. Hindi siya agad nagreact sa mga sinabi ni Lucas. Hinayaan lang niyang magkuwento muna siya. Walang emosyon.

"I swear, Carl, it was just... you know, experimenting." tinuloy ni Lucas ang kwento. "It just happened."

"How many times? Di ka pa nagcondom?"

"Once or twice? Parang isang beses lang na hindi ako nagrubber."

"Baka hindi sa iyo. Di ba pokpok yung girl? Nakwento mo na sa 'kin siya."

"Baka nga, I don't know. Pinipilit niya sa akin. At nagbabanta siya."

"Anong banta niya? What can she do?"

"She told me knows about me, about us. Feeling ko, binabantayan niya ako."

"Ano raw gagawin niya?"

"I-buking ako sa office. Pagsabi na bading ako."

"You believed her? Will people believe her? May credibility ba siya?"

"I don't know, Carl. Di ko alam. Basta alam kong masisira ang career ko kung malaman nila."

Tumahimik muna silang pareho. Malalim sa pag-iisip si Carlito. Naramdaman niya ang laki ng problema ng jowa niya. Nakita niya ang lubhang pag-alala sa pangyayari. Ngunit gusto man niyang maawa ay di pa niya magawa. Wala pa rin siyang pakiramdam. Paalis na siya ng Cebu bukas. Ano pa nga ba ang magagawa niya para kay Lucas?

"Let's go. Di pa ko tapos mag-empake."

Pauwi sa bahay, wala pa rin umiimik sa kanilang dalawa. Ngunit biglang gumaang ang pakiramdam ni Lucas dahil sa kanyang pagkukwento sa partner niya. Natapos na ang pagsisinungaling at pagtatago. Pagdating kay Emily. At nagulat rin siya sa reaksyon ni Carlito. Sa lagi nilang pag-aaway nuon ay inaakala niyang napakalaking away ang mangyayari dahil dito kay Emily. Ngunit ang nakita niya ay isang kalmadong reaksyon, isang tunay na nagmamahal sa kanya at kapakanan lang niya ang inaasikaso. Mahal niya ako. Mahal na mahal niya ako.

Nag-ayos na ng gamit si Carlito pagdating sa bahay. Tahimik pa rin. Samantala, nanuod na lang ng TV muna si Lucas. Nililibang ang sarili. Nakahanap ng isang bote ng beer at yun ang naging kasama.

Nang matapos na si Carlito, tinabihan ang jowa sa panunuod.

"Anong balak mo kay Emily?"

"Hindi ko pa alam. Siya raw ang kokontak sa akin. Kung pwede nga magpa-DNA test na para malaman kung akin nga."

"Stupid. You can't do that."

"I know. Parang hindi ko matanggap na akin nga yun. Baka nga hindi pa buntis yun."

"Nag-resign na ba siya?"

"Oo. Baka bumalik na yun sa Tacloban. May family yun dun. May anak sa pagkadalaga."

"Hay. Wala pa lang kadala-dala siya."

Napatawa sila pareho. Ngayong lang uli nagkatawanan. At biglang niyakap ni Lucas si Carlito.

"I'm sorry, Carl. At salamat, salamat for being so understanding." ibinulong ni Lucas sa kanyang kayakap.

"Yah. Malalampasan natin eto." eto ang sagot ni Carlito, ngunit tumatakbo ang isip niya, lalo na nung napansin niya ang cellphone ni Lucas sa may side table.

Bumitaw sa isa't-isa. "Mauna ka na sa banyo so you could rest." tinulak ni Carlito si Lucas papuntang bathroom. "We both need to sleep. Maaga pa bukas."

"Yes, babe." tumayo na si Lucas at pumunta sa CR. At iniwan ang cellphone sa side table.

Habang nasa banyo pa siya, tinignan ni Carlito ang messages. At nakita niya ang galing kay Emily. Kinuha niya ang number at may naglalaro sa kanyang utak. Ngunit may napansin rin siyang isa pang pangalan. At parang lumuso ang kanyang puso. "Pao" Marami-raming messages. Binasa niya ang ibang messages at biglang kumabog ang kanyang dibdib. At naramdaman niya ang dugong mainit sa ulo niya.




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad