Saturday, December 31, 2011

ny emos

you can read how the timelines and shoutouts are filling up with some emo lines.  it's year-in-review time.  your 2011 life flashing back at you.  the significant events light up in memory.  some are triumphant.  some are shining moments.  but some painful ones also come to the fore.  life-changing even, for some.  

why can't this be just another day?

because we need to review life from time to time.  we need to stop some time and take stock.  review, analyze, relive.  learn from then move on.  it can't be all just moving forward, even if time since to just have one direction.  our minds and souls move in all ways.  

so new year, birthdays are posts in the highway of life that show us where we are, where we have been.  how far we have come.  how far we have yet to go.  

and even if this seems trivial or perfunctory for others, i believe it serves a purpose.  so we use this time wisely and reflect.  

a happy new year happens when we can look back and say, i've had a good year.

Friday, December 30, 2011

Life in Feng Shui

it all started with an officemate gave me the 2010 Chinese Horoscope and Feng Shui book by Lillian and Jennifer Too. He recently got into all these things even if he isnt Chinese. and he wanted to share his good fortune with me. He asked me my chinese zodiac sign and did his research about the Fire Horse. He gave me the book as an 09 Christmas gift.

It was accompanied by this odd-looking ornament, supposedly a fire symbol. The horoscope pointed out that 2010 will be marked by conflict, whether personal or business. The symbol, when placed appropriately in West, would ward off the conflict star. I complied by putting it in my office. I was thinking there would be no harm. And he does mean well.

In 2011, he gave me the book again. This time it was accompanied by this rather heavy piece, a 'wu lou', a container for keeping herbal cures in China. He told me that Illness star was on the Southern horizon. Hence, by placing the wu lou in the south of my bedroom, it would generate healing energies. And so I did. The household help must have found it odd, for it didn't look particularly appealing.

This Christmas, he gave me the 2012 book. And what came with it was this better looking Victory Banner, a symbol of victory. This would enhance my success if placed in the Southwest part of the bedroom.

PC arranged all this in the bedroom, following the strict orders of placement. He told me to bring the Fire Symbol home to slowly complete the amulets. So now I have three of these inside my bedroom. PC told me in time, I'd probably have all the amulets needed. Would I be megasuccessful by then?
I actually relate to the Chinese Zodiac more than the Astrological signs. When I read the descriptions of the Fire Horse, I see more similarity with that compared to my Piscean personality description. But since I love compromises, I feel that I am a combination of both, hence I am actually a Sea Horse. (weird ba? LOL)
In 2010, I was eager to actually read the book and see what it held for me, especially in the area of lovelife. Since I was single then, I was wondering if my love fortune would come true. But such eagerness came only at the start. So I never really knew whether it accurately predicted that I would fall in love with PC in August 2010. (I couldnt find the book anymore)
But this time, I still have the 2011 book. And I now have the benefit of hindsight! So what did I discover?
Well, I don't recall major illness this year. I actually did a complete executive check-up and was pronounced healthy. I don't even remember getting really sick during the year. No flu. Not even major colds. Well, I did have some exercise-related injuries. And I did suffer from insomnia after that Toronto trip. I am tempted to say that the book was grossly inaccurate. Though another might say that the wu lou actually worked!
The book actually has monthly summary of what to expect. I dont have the patience to go through it now. Im reading the prognosis for this month and I am surprised that it lists down that my spirits would be down, my confidence shot. And I have been going through such emo lately. Hmm. interesting.
I wont divulge the outlook for 2012. Yes, I have read a part of it. The dragon year would still be very challenging for the Horse. That's enough. Ill revisit this book mid-year and see again if it predicted anything accurately. Meanwhile, I shall let these amulets do their work and hope that 2012 will turn out to be a better year for me.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

cc TOL: charity

cc TOL: cc thinks out loud. thoughts and musings. random. unedited. thoughts on the fly.

this post excludes philanthropic work for typhoon victims.

i just did my good deed for the season. i feel great.
tweets one friend.

christmas time. i see my timelines loaded with do-gooders feeling good with their good deeds. if you try to book parties at orphanages or other social institutions, you'd probably wait in line. schedules are full.

ahhh the wonderful spirit of christmas charity. generosity in the air.

why am i sounding sarcastic? because a part of me struggles with this seasonal charity.

i used to think that way. during christmas, i'd have this heightened sense of giving and forgiving. and i try to channel it by doing these good deeds.

one christmas, my partner then and i decided to pack goodies in a loot bag and give these away during the season anywhere and everywhere. we went to divisoria to get the best bargains. and i even had some of the people in the office help me sort and pack. then we went around the metro, distributing to street beggars and the homeless children. that was fun and it felt good.

then there were the occasional christmas parties at orphanages and halfway houses. asilo, golden acres. we would bring the food and the entertainment. share our blessings. make them smile and happy. and make ourselves happy, too.

then we leave them behind. then we go back to our lives. then for the rest of the year, we conveniently forget about them. meanwhile, they are left alone again. and once those resources we pumped into them gets used up, they are back to begging, back to looking for funding, and making ends meet. taghirap na naman.

and truth of the matter, we never came back. there were always others institutions to help and cheer.

can't doing good be year round? can't we think of them, the less privileged, the have-less all year round? and look at ways we can be helping on a more sustainable basis? if we liked how we felt then, wouldn't we want to feel that way whole year round?

control of this also resides in the institution. they could say no and tell you that they would rather you donate on a regular basis than just hold these once-a-year-or-less parties. but that wouldn't be polite.

oh well. just Thinking Out Loud.

Monday, December 19, 2011

meeting raiders

it is always such a pleasure to meet raiders of the blog (ok, fine, it is inherently flattering!) truly, encountering you guys who spend time to actually read this is so meaningful. ive met a quite a few in the past 4 years this blog has been around. ill try to recall some of those meetings. and it might not be comprehensive. i might or will miss out on some. ipagpaumanhin po. malilimutin na.!

my earliest recollection will start with meeting the nyc-based raiders, both of whom i remember but i wont mention their names to protect them. one of them i have this eternal debt of gratitude for. he lent me his iphone during that time i had that unfortunate incident, losing my phone in a party. and ill always remember him as the guy who took me to cafe lalo where 'you got mail' was filmed. and that was such a nice walk in central park! he shared me with his life abroad, and what he left in the philippines. through him i caught a glimpse of the bittersweet life of filipinos working abroad. and if you are still reading the blog, thank you for everything!

the other raider represented one who knew the manhattan gay life well. and he was such a fun spirit to have around, young and spritely. we met up in a nice drinking hole, and he even tagged me along on a visit to a friend's place. with him, i got to know that nyc's meatpacking district is not about meat. hehe

sg-based raider started corresponding via email. and he was ultra-secretive about his identity. im thankful he trusted me enough to meet up with me during a trip to manila that first time. we met up in ucc podium, and for a while, i thought he wanted to change his mind. he walked past me as i waited for the guy in the red shirt. but he eventually decided to face me. and that started a correspondence that has spanned years. he was kind enough to also meet me during one of my trips to sg. he brought me to watering hole at the top floor of one of the tallest buildings. and updated me about his life. first time for me to see sg from that perspective!

then there was my visit to dubai. to see my sister and her family. i met up with dubai-based raider, who hails from the south. he was so gracious to treat me to dinner and a night cap. im happy he continues to be in touch, wherever he is at. i think he is back in the phils. welcome back! :)

fabcasts create a different audience

i always thought that those who follow the fabcasts from the blogposts were raiders. i discovered that there are fabcast listeners who dont follow the blog at all but are still familiar with the character cc as one of the fabcasters. if im not mistaken, i have met up with one or two. sadly though, i can't remember who among them..

the grindr connection

when i was active in grindr, i used my cc persona. i didnt bother creating a new one. for one thing, it would be such a hassle to create and maintain another identity. and besides, maybe the "cc" brand has some equity. LOL. i met up with two raider/grindrees. and contrary to what you will conclude, nothing intimate (and you know what i mean) transpired between us. perhaps it was more of lacking in opportunity. or their interest in me was not there. hehe. one of them recounted his coming to terms story. and i was touched that the blog was part of that story. the other one.

the cc twitter

twiitter gave raiders a new channel to access cc. and though i was a late starter in the twitterworld and im certainly not even profilifc, i loved the chance it gave me to interact on a more immediate level. almost instantaneous! so i started to have a more accessible personality online.

a tweeter follower needed to interview a "Senior guy" for his psychology class. so he messaged me. OUCH. lol. i went through with it anyway, always glad to help someone taking up the same major as i did. his questions provoked me to think and i appreciated that much. and he went super-out of his way to meet up. eventually blog. thank you for giving me fodder for the blog!

the generous ones

when i blogged about fellowfab aj's financial problems, i was touched to get responses from two raiders. they eventually contributed to the cause. and i am so touched by their generosity. i met one of them over coffee, and our professional lives had some intersection! i have yet to meet the other one. and i still owe him coffee. pramis!

and very recently, i had a chance to meet two raiders through tweeter. they are also tweeter friends but this was the first offline meeting for all three. and one common denominator is our failing eyesight. so we were three blind mice having nice sunday conversation. they are so different from one another, although born months apart. yet they have been online friends for a while now. it started at that site called plurk. (i didnt even know this network existed!) they have their colorful stories to tell, despite their young ages. and what should have been a jogging AND chatting session became pure chat. and im the better for it.

from just raiders or listeners or followers, from being just electronic avatars, these people have become real to me. real people with real lives. some simple. some quite dramatic. but all worth listening to. and i am happy that through this blog, i have heard their stories and have met them in real life.

when i hear them talk about the blog, i am tickled pink. i am amazed that they do know details, or at least remember those that stand out for them. my raunchy posts will always be part of that list of memorable ones! and sometimes, i still feel so naked as they tell me their recollections. blogging can be so passive. me just hammering away on a keyboard my stories, both sordid and saintly. and with no immediate responses or replies, the words remain words, devoid of meaning once written. but hearing raiders echo back my posts could still be quite uncomfortable, embarrassing, and at times, unnerving. maybe ill get used to it. lol

megablogger miggs (mega because of size? LOL) regularly organizes big meet ups. which really suits his big following. in contrast, im pretty happy with these small, intimate meetings with raiders. i get to know you more intimately (not in any lewd sense! LOL) and hopefully, i could give you a real dimension to the cc persona. do remember that the blog remains just a part of the cc persona. and it is not everything!

i know ill have my chance to get to know some of you in the future, if you so desire. if that happens, i will only request that you be as comfortable with me as you could be. prepare a question or two to set the ball rolling. and i will hope that the experience would be enriching for you as it has always been for me.

Friday, December 16, 2011

and so this is christmas

in two weeks, it will be christmas. i just finished decorating. and my only decor this year is the christmas tree. i kept to last year's silver theme. and added christmas balls to the icicles and the string of silver pearls. then i became obsessed with finding snowflake trimmings. there used to be so much of that. sus! i wnet around and around looking for one. finally found some nice silver ones in ace hardware. and my tree is done.

i just sat there, admiring my work. naks. who else will anyway? lol. and im thinking how different christmas will be this year.

my previous chrstmas activities included, of course, shopping for gifts. which i actually enjoy. i challenge myself to get the perfect gift within the budget i have set. that's why my gift list has budget amounts per person! so i have an idea, or a total budget, for gifts. and i shouldn't overspend. shopping stresses me out, too. especially trying to guess if the gift will be appreciated. but that would be for family, special friends and that special someone.

for people in the office, i usually just buy ham. its practical. and it turns out that they actually look forward to it. especially now when gifts of ham seem to be few or none at all. so i order in bulk. and i let my secretary distribute. less headache. more people happy.

then there are the inaanaks. which is cash. i can begin to imagine what they would want. most of them i hardly get to see. so i buy those money cards and, voila! im done.

as i rose up the ranks, i started to get more and more gifts. from suppliers (expected) then even from the employees. this if find touching. because they really go out of their way to get me something, even if simple. and i just usually let them pile up in my office, without opening a single one. i bring them all home and open them come christmas morning. oh how i used to love opening and opening gifts. taking out the ribbons. tearing open the wrapping. the household help would delight watching me. they never saw so many gifts.

but i stopped that recently. i found out belatedly that some gifts were food that spoiled. sayang naman. so i usually check my gifts already even before christmas morning.

im also so lazy to do shopping now. so i decided to give to friends gifts of health from the company. and no, these gifts are not freebies. i actually still pay for them at employee's discount.

i dont do the simbang gabi thingie. i remember one time decades ago when i tried. i was still in a different gym. and id get up early to jog within the area before the gym opens. i saw that there was a chapel along my jogging route. so i decided to do the simbang gabir novenas. i d get to the chapel in my jogging outffit. and i almost completed it. but i had to be in pampanga during one day. and i wasnt able to schedule my simbang gabi that one time. so nasira rin ang plano ko. never again will i even attempt.

christmas eve is uneventful for me. my parents sleep early. my siblings are all abroad. so i usually just play christmas songs and sleep early. christmas dayi tself is bigger, when my mom hosts parties for the kamag-anaks.

christmas this time carries a sort of sad note. news from office performance, from my sisters and brother, well werent so positive. but after our office christmas party yesterday, i felt better. because christmas is simply christ+mas = putting more of christ in the celebration. i liked that. i ended my speech that way last night.

and so this is christmas. and it will still be a wonderful christmas!

Monday, December 12, 2011

ceo nightmares

i had this terrible dream last night. it was how this competitor of ours has finally won. and we no longer enjoy the patronage we used to have. i was announcing the massive layoffs to the people. the mood was so sad. and i was also being pounced on by the board. my presentation was being riddled with bullet holes, i felt so bad.

i guess that is the heart of my anxieties lately. this fear of terrible things to happen to the company. my nightmares when i was a kid included your usual ghosts and devils. but i remember being haunted by... numbers. yes, numbers that would appear randomly, getting bigger and bigger, overwhelmingly.

eventually, i'd have more personal anxiety dreams. of fighting with my parents. of shouting matches with siblings. then eventually, with lovers. all very personal. reflecting my current preoccupations with my life.

only now do i recall company related dreams. bad dreams that had me panting, sweating. i guess this reflects the scope of responsibilities now. what i do, what i decide impacts so directly on people i manage. and i have being wracking my brains trying to come up with answers to problems. solutions. strategies. oh my head aches just thinking about it.

im in a blue zone now.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

IJ Case 16: Remington's Man of Steel

If you're ever in Toronto, and feeling in need of some live hotness, by all means, look for this!

Toronto is supposed to have the 3rd biggest Pride March, after only New York and San Francisco. So you will find a very lively, gay friendly city with lots of spots to visit. No wonder Queer as Folk shot all seasons of the series here!

On my first night, to prevent me from sleeping, my friend took me to this strip club. It was on a legitimate part of downtown Toronto. and it didnt even bother to be discreetly tucked away somewhere. it was on a main street.

Entrance on a Thursday night was 10 dollars (CAD) per person. not bad. entrance opens to a bar. and at 10pm, there was only one mixed group ogling at the only dancer on the stage with the pole. Dancer was muscled, not cut, but really beefy. and he had this DUH look that made him look like a football jock.

only after a few minutes of dancing, he whips out his cock and strokes it to bigness. the mixed table shrieks in delight. i was shocked. this is the first strip joint i've ever visited in north america. the clubs i visited in manhattan were just discos with gogo boys. so this blatant display of cock amazed me.

we went up to the second floor, which also had a bar and its own stage and pole. and there were more people here, well more fags here. and id say the average age of the clientele is 50! yup. geriatric crowd. and all the hot guys were just walking around or entertaining at the tables. some of them already in their 'costumes": briefs, tank tops. most of them are the stuff of american porn - big, muscled beefcakes. a few were outstandingly handsome. the rest were still fine.

and their business, while waiting for their turn at the stage, is to talk to the clientele and convince them to go to the private room for a lap dance. my friend/host has tried it once. 40 dollars for like 15-20 minutes. yeah, they strip all the way. yeah, they would allow you to touch. beyond that, he's not sure. apparently during his try, he even got big macho russian to eat his asian meat. whoa.

well, since i was still getting sleepy, despite the display of muscles and cock, we called it a night and went home. but it was some kind of experience, i must say. it's like seeing those hunks you download on xtube come to life. and if you've got the inclination and the finances, hey you could really make your wet dreams come true.

Diaspora of the Young and the Restless

i love this word diaspora!  it seems so exotic!  

they are not exactly your typical OFW.  they don't have the sad stories of a hard life in the rural areas, of cows sold off, of dreams that couldnt be fulfilled if they continued as teachers, engineers, nurses in the philippines.

they are young, mid20s - 30s, tertiary level of education or higher, from manila's better schools - up, ateneo, la salle.  from mostly upper C families which have provided them with good Catholic private education.

they can earn decently in the philippines.  corporate types they were when they started their careers here, usually with the multinationals.  but they were lured by the prospects of overseas.

probably for the pay, but most usually, a chance to be truly independent, to experience the world, to learn from usually first world economies.  so these are largely male, adventurous.  not yet an expat but definitely beyond rank and file.  

they leave the country with eyes wide open.  and are excited about their prospects.  they earn big. and since they dont have to remit to any famiy member, they end up with huge disposable incomes.  and they indulge voraciously in either luxury brands, travel, gadgets, or nightlife.  

being filipino allows them to assimilate quite easily to the culture.  and they are proud that they see and experience the more upscale living of the locals.  very far from the ofws they would bump into, going to church, or at the mall.  

they probably avoid them, avoid the association.  they certainly feel and know that they are different from them.  and though they respect them, they belong to different worlds.

they can go home anytime, should their schedules permit.  and most of them do that.  besides, they are soooo wired that their friends back home hardly miss them.

with all that money they could use to entertain them, with their excellent assimilation skills, do they ever get lonely like their kababayans?

i suspect they'd tell you that they dont feel it as often.  again, part of that answer is to differentiate themselves from the ofw, constrained to save every penny earned.  and surely, the twitter and fb links, and the magic jack and skype are within reach.  but my guess is that most of it is denial of loneliness.  that they can't and shouldn't be lonely.  because this is their choice.  because they wanted this.  and feeling lonely is almost like regretting.  no way. 

i have been seeing so many of them in the networks.  and i suspect some of my raiders are in their lot.  and as i am proud of them, for im sure they make their bosses and firms proud of the way they work, their intelligence, their creativity, they have also left that gap here in the phils.

we could certainly use their talent and skills.  unfortunately, who could afford them when they are done with their social experiment and are ready to go home?  they may have priced themselves out of the market.

the good rumours flying about.  manny pangilinan is luring them back to the philippines with pay that match their current salary levels.  i hope they are attracted enough to come back and contribute.  we have much to learn and gain from them.  it would be a pity if their stint there ends with a citizenship application

Monday, December 5, 2011

body clock major reset

two nights of insomnia, i couldn't take anymore.  i resorted to modern medicine to help me.  finally slept soundly from 1030pm to 5am.  even though im wondering why i woke up at 5am when i should be up by 630am.  oh well.  i shouldn't be complaining.

i felt like i was a subject in sleep deprivation experiments.  being a psych major in the 80s, we read through much of those.  and that research helped us understand all about sleep, brain waves, REM, etc.  (geek stuff)  

i just want to catalogue my experience with this.

jet lag didnt use to be a major problem for me.  my trips to the U.S. (the worst in terms of body clock resets) would have me recovering in a few days, simply by pushing myself to stay awake.  i never recalled the bouts of all-night insomnia previously.  so i'm guessing age has a lot to do with it.

i arrived wednesday night here in the phils.  in the plane, i tried to adjust to manila time by timing my sleep.  but i was never really good at sleeping in planes anyway.  so i was dead tired upon arriving.  and when i finally fell asleep by 1am, it lasted me till 10am.  wonderful, i thought.  im almost adjusted.

thursday night was the killer night.  that was my first bout of bad insomnia.  totally no sleep. and i documented that with this men-at-play fantasy.  (thanks, raiders, for suggesting that.  i didnt even know that there is porn dedicated to my fetish!)  i survived my morning meetings.  feeling really light headed.  i thought id be irritable.  but i felt i was just floating.  

forced myself to take a nap during lunch break.  was scared i might sleep through the afternoon so i told my secretary to wake me by 3pm.  i woke up on my own by 2pm.  and continued to my meeting, then to working out.  which most people warned me against.  

that friday night, i had a massage that ended up arousing me.  but nevertheless, i slept soundly (having been awake for 24 hrs) and woke up saturday 11am!  almost 12hrs of sleep.  aha! im recovering!  so saturday was nice, regular day and afternoon with pc.  going to the dinner party by 7pm, i was feeling sleepy again but i snapped out of it during the dinner.

by 1230am, i was home and ready for sleep.  and sleep never came.  ever.  that was so horrible.  though i felt no pressure to wake up early. i just had to be up by 11am for my voice lessons.  so i was calmly trying to sleep.  talked to a pal for 30mins.  tried to chat over at ym.  even wanted to get another massage.  nada. no chance anymore.

i did my jerk-off. also with no results. by 530am, i was still awake and trying to arrange my schedule for the day. hmm. i was suppose to do voice lessons by 11am, rehearsals with performers by 2pm then 4pm jog. how about mass? maybe at 9am. oh, then there's the fabcast by 8pm. di ako busy on a sunday, noh?

then i just decided to change the order. i was seized with the urge to jog in up early morning. well, relatively early first time for me to jog in peyups at that time, on a whim. and i was greeted by traffic. due to a fun run. grrr. but i still managed to do my run. and found myself out of breath by 4km. hmm the effect of sleep deprivation?

i remained awake, even during the mass and the voice lessons. i took a 30min nap after lunch as i waited for the rehearsal time. i found myself still alert but the floating feeling remained. i felt like an extra for walking dead.

by 630pm, i went for a massage again. went through the list of 'home service massage' in texted the spas and numbers, inquiring about cost and availability. i got one quick response, from what looked like a cutie. i finalized plans and i was impressed with the very courteous texts. and though he had a nice pic in the profile, i didnt expect him to be.

but he turned out to be really cute in person. 'cute' is so appropriate because he was vertically challenged. pero gwapo, tisuyin. and true enough, his manner was very professional and quite thorough. he looked really serious about what he was doing and was careful not to casually wander into my groin area. professional and legitimate. and cute. so it was a good massage, and not arousing, not like the last time.

but as relaxing the massage was, i still didnt fall asleep during the activity. i would doze off, from time to time. but never for a long period. was jet lag kicking in again? hay.

after dinner, i resolved to take the route of medical science. and drank a mild sleeping pill. by 1030pm, i was off to dreamland.

this is truly the most difficult jet lag experience i have had. and i am praying that i have recovered. ill only find out tonight. ill have that sleeping pill around just in case i have a relapse.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

before i turn in

im on my bed. waiting for sleep to arrive. i hope jet lag has left my system. i cant bear another night of tossing, turning and jerking off. lol

saturday is pc day. and that meant staying here in my bed, catching up on episodes we have missed. today is downton abbey day. we are still in season 1. pc loves this period telenovela. it has such sharp wit, which only the british could write. we end up laughing out loud, because we actually get it! hahaha

we also watched avatar again. because i was testing the bluray player freebie i got from samsung. this new one was a replacement. the first one conked out after 1 day! factory defect! hay. well, this one seemed to be functioning well. sadly though, it wouldnt play avchd format, which is the format of the pirated bd that i buy. boo. i might end up buying that el cheapo from cd-r king. i gave one to my secretary and she seems pleased with it.

we had dinner with some friends. one was celebrating his birthday. this is the mapanglait crowd. but all in good humor. it was fun touching base with them.

last night, i had home service massage. perfect for my insomnia. only problem, the therapist was this 6ft sexy cute guy. and he stripped to his undies while he was massaging me. so instead of being able to relax, i became aroused, and bothered. because i didnt want to have a happy ending. yet i was so conscious of the way my foot would casually stray in his crotch area, or my hand. he actually offered. but i declined. so after the massage, i was in this state of arousal. i had to eat to distract myself! lol

tomorrow, ill have voice lessons, rehearsals for some singing ill do on tuesday then a nice run in peyups in the afternoon. i hope the weather is sunny. i love the afternoon sun there.

so good night for now. i hope slumber comes soon.

Friday, December 2, 2011

insomnia face-to-face

i stared at insomnia face-to-face
it was a staredown
first to blink wins, conversely.
im still up. i couldnt even blink. i lost.

at first, i tried. i really tried. it was classic tossing and turning. worse is that i had irritating itchy throat that made me cough.

then i turned to tweeting. at first, sporadically, in between trying to catch sleep.

next it was warm milk and reading murakami. but i got bored soon. and hungry. so i devoured my left-over sandwich from pancake house.

i tried to schedule a massage at 330am. but therapist would be arriving by 430am. too late, i thought.

i went back to tweeting the few souls still awake at that time. thanks, @ronanmuch, for replying. thank God for night owls.

its past 4am. i drifted to fantasizing. to get my libido up so i could do a decent jerk off.

my favorite fantasy: office sex. a guy in a suit. a closed-door business meeting. turned hot with one look.

no words spoken. nothing passes except oohs and ahhhs. we whip our cocks out from our suits. standing face to face we stroke our cocks. the atmosphere becomes hotter. we loosen our ties. but we still have our coats on.

our pants fall to our ankles as we approach each other, stroking each others cock. he goes down on me. i part my shirt, my tie so it wouldnt bother him as he gives me one fucking hot blowjob.

my turn. i make the desk clear with one sweep of my arm and make him lie there. i suck his cock eagerly, hungrily. and watch him close his eyes and moan.

i wet my finger and put it up his tight ass. i flip him over and look at his nice smooth butt. i slap it and he groans. i open the cheeks wide as i insert my tongue. i smell his manscent. and it turns me on. i keep on licking that hole clean. and his balls. the hair tickles.

i insert one finger. he protests. in vain. i keep on pushing one, then two fingers inside. he groans. i feel his asshole tighten and loosen, alternately, uncontrollably.

im rock hard as i shove my cock inside him. he stifles his moan with his tie. i pound him, drive my cock into him, grabbing his shoulders, pulling his head, biting his ear.

i flip him over. and continue fucking him. i see his large engorged cock, oozing with precum. he is delirious as he holds his legs high up. i get turned on with his shoes and socks floating in the air. i ram it to him. give him all i got. until i come inside. i just keep coming. so much come i pump into him. and i see him furiously jerking off, coming, crying, cursing.

all over his undershit, his cum squirts. i pull out my still-hard cock. and remove the rubber, with so much cum inside.

i looked at the clock on my mobile. 5am. with my saved-up cum on my torso. in 30 mins, my alarm would go off to start my friday. sleeping now won't even help. shit. im not even sleepy.

still no blinking. i dont know how long i will last.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

what's there for me to visit in the Philippines

ive been asked this a couple of times from foreigners who don't know as much about the country. and unfortunately, there are still a lot of those. but the question is framed with a seeming intent to visit. so i appreciate the earnestness. so dear raider, if a foreigner, an afam, casually asks you this question, what will you answer?

Monday, November 28, 2011

a private person

cc, how come you don't blog as often anymore? i miss reading stories of your life, how things are going with you.

ahmm. kasi boring na buhay ko compared to the first years of my bloglife.

oh come on. no way could it be boring. tell us about your relationship.

i thanked him for reading, i was touched that he came up to me at the activity. he didnt immediately get that i was cc. i guess the cc on my name tag looked like a shirt logo. lol. and he actually looked quite attractive. it was flattering to be acknowledged.

but i wasnt completely honest with him. my life is not boring, it is too stressful and exciting, but not in the usual way gay life would be. i used to perpetuate the stereotype: the clubbing, the random hot sex. then there was the search for The one, and the drama of loneliness in between. and all that made for good gay reading,

my life with pc is no less interesting. and i could imagine writing about many things that we have been through, both the light and the heavy. it won't be a tiggah post but it could still be fun to read.

however, pc is a very private person. he does not seek the limelight, actually shies away from it. he was raised that way. and i truly respect that. so even as i write this post, im thinking i might be violating a vow to keep our life private. yet i know that each personal post i write inadvertendly includes a part of our life. so i think he understands that compromise.

so my life with pc, even those i would love to share, is off the list of topics in this blog.

so i write about other things. and often, the inspiration to write is choked by the business of living every day. and i certainly wouldnt want to just write about anything. there is just too much garbage out there that i should not contribute to. so the pressure to write something just a bit more substantial mounts and sometimes, stifles. and days pass that no new post is written .

even my attittude towards twitter has evolved that way. i limit my tweets to those that can mean something. and not just to express myself. so i admire those who twit with wit everytime. (minsan turn off lang yung mga kailangan pang mag retweet ng mga puri na natatanggap nila.) but then again, everybody has a right to self-promote.

the posts may be few and far between, i apologize. and i dont want to make promises either, that posts will be forthcoming, full of meaning and substance. alas, i am not built that way either.

but i will try.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

greetings from toronto

im hanging out right now at the food court of one of the buildings inside the Univertsity of Toronto campus, waiting for a friend to finish his chores for the day.

this is one trip that almost never happened. and only had less than a month of advance notice. a leap of faith, actually. the opportunity to take this trip came just last month, as i was preparing for the trip to cape town. i hesitated, almost declined even then. because i felt i was still recovering from my trip by then. nevertheless, i went through the motions and inwardly, left it all up to God. Bahala na. if He didnt want me to go, circumstances will happen to prevent it.

it was quite a long shot, i only had barely two weeks to get my visa processed. then, when it was finally processed, it seemed like the wrong one. a workers visa instead of a visitors visa. we might have problems at the immigration of the port of entry in toronto. and that was like three days to the time i was set to depart. i couldnt decide. i didnt know if i wanted to go through the uncertainty, not knowing if the my visa might get questioned or revoked. i didnt know if i wanted to sit in an airplane for 12 hours, go through two layovers. am i still feeling up to it? and for a trip that would only last 5 days.

i ws asking for a sign. i even tweeted that request. and i got really funny answers from twitfriends (nitwits? hehe) then one of them just retweeted 'like trying to fly an airplane', about christian missionaries being very serendipitous, and just trusting God to provide. the title itself was some kind of ninuninuninu "airplane", followed by the content itself, of just believing. that made me decide to go for it and just Trust that this is what He wants, and that nothing untoward would happen.

and now, im here. ive actually endured that 12 hour trip from nagoya to detroit, managing to sleep through some of the time, even when i didnt get the seat i wanted, in coach. all the anxiety with immigration was for naught. i breezed through very friendly immigration officers both in the u.s. and canada. it was a good, uneventful trip.

it all seems so silly now. but it was so real then. even to the last minute, i was ready to just back out of it. but the ordeal again reminded me of how "little my faith is". that letting go and letting God is still so hard to do. and then again, i am reminded that i should. because He always prevails.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

to the least of my brethren

the gospel earlier was pretty clear. judgement day consists of very simple questions:

when He was hungry, did you feed him?
when He was thirsty, did you give him something to drink?
when He was a stranger, did you make him feel welcome?
when He was naked, did you give him clothes?
when He was sick, did you care for him?
when He was in prison, did you visit him?

an affirmative answer to each of the six merits a place in the kingdom.

so eh ano ang nangyari dun sa lahat ng mga guilt trip ko about sex, about dishonesty, ek ekc? why the hell do i even bother to 'not sin anymore' if im going to be judged on the basis of those acts of love and charity.

i mulled over this. why the emphasis on avoiding sin and all that if it wouldn't even be part of the examination at the end of days?

i'm thinking that maybe, it's not so much that all that 'righteousness' is useless but that inculcating all that 'righteousness' is fundamental to doing acts of love and charity. confused? allow me to expound.

sin deconstructed is simply selfishness, self-centeredness, ego-centricity. it is all about me, me and ah yes, me. pride is the root of all evil, didnt people say that?

the acts of love and charity asked of us is the complete opposite of all this selfishness. a person preoccupied with self cannot simply perform all those loving acts sincerely. there would just be too many selfish reasons (excuses) not to carry out all those loving acts.

following that 'righteous' path is like training in being less and less selfish. and because of that, we become more sensitive to the needs of people around us: food, clothing, shelter, friendship, care. so ultimately, we will be able to answer those questions in the affirmative.

i look at my own life and realize that i am so far from this. i'm still not doing enough. so i guess, i'm not ready for judgement day yet.

to those who want to reach out

here is my email

Saturday, November 19, 2011

love yourself cafe, musings

just came from mgg's first-ever love yourself cafe talks. about 30 mgg readers came looking for people to connect with through meaningful discussion. migs called on the fabcasters to help facilitate the small group talk process. and i was just glad to help.

our group was one of the smallest, just 6 of us huddled in one corner. as facilitator, migs told us that our KPI was simple: 90% of the time, it should be the guests talking, rather than us. we could talk about anything and everything. and that i found quite disconcerting. it wasnt going to be easy to facilitate a discussion where people didn't know each other with no specific topic or issue at hand.

but somehow, we managed. and i got to know 4 other friends in one hour (pc joined me). all of them were single, but not all of them were searching. some of them seem to have found that sweet spot of singleness, without the bitterness or cynicism. we had two students, a professional, two teachers, two students, one in media, one in the culinary arts, an 18yo who was also the most comfortable with being gay and with being out.

we were in varying degrees of "outness", mostly to parents. but all felt comfortable with the status quo. there was a discussion on gay stereotypes - loud, flamboyant, promiscuous, irresponsible. and how some of us felt that need to be over-achieve and be responsible just to debunk such notions. i did like one comment that came out: isnt it that by "doing something about this stereotype, we are actually acknowledging the stereotype and giving it life and power?". we do not have to over-compensate to show the world that we are as normal and as responsible. we reinforce the stereotype everytime we react to it. love that challenging pov!

we promised to keep in touch and wrote our emails on the registry. i wish we would. though i know the probability would be quite low, given all of our busy lives. but i would like it if they did reach out to me, especially during those times that they would need someone to talk to, when it all gets lonely or confusing. though it was a very short period of spending time, perhaps we have planted seeds of friendship that could grow.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

is it in my genes?

my namesake lolo was such a womanizer. he just never seemed to tire of pussy. and pussy was always after him because he was one handsome man, with a killer smile, ever-charming, intelligent and accomplished.

his philandering ways drove my lola crazy. but what could she do? during those days, wives were just supposed to grin and bear it. my mom would tell me how they used to fight endlessly. and how she used to light black candles, praying for his death. or hers. creepy.

even until the time he was already 70+, lolo still surprised us by fathering a child with the household help. and she wasn't even pretty at all. she was quite slow (almost borderline retarded). but my lolo had his way with her anyway. story goes... he would lure her into sleeping with him with candies. (wtf. candies?)

growing up, that puzzled me. like i could understand my lolo falling for a sexy, beautiful, alluring temptress. and he would be so overcome with desire that he just couldn't help himself. but for someone who looked like that??? i bet she doesn't even know how to seduce properly!

then in my occasional readings, i came across the idea that it is really just power, and not even sex, that drives such behavior. men get off on that sense of being in this position of power, and sex was just a way of using. abusing that power. i still couldn't see how that could happen. how could a sexual act not be about sex?

but lately, it has dawned upon me where that is coming from...

it crossed my mind that i could actually have sex with a houseboy, a gardener or any guy under my employ not because i felt this strong sexual attraction or i am horny as hell. and it is coming from the feeling of being 'that powerful'. the idea of having this subordinate do this sexual act with me because of the power relationship between us is 'sexy' enough. and it has nothing to do with feeling horny or being so aroused with that person. it is simply about using that power i have over him to make him give me a blow job. yeah, ill enjoy the blowjob. but the real, twisted enjoyment happens in my head.

pretty twisted shit, right? but only now have i made sense of it.

cc on c3

ang dami ko ng utang sa mga raiders. ipagpaumanhin. let me attempt to comment on the thoughtful comments on previous blogposts.

victim mode
@ethan h you are right. we both crossed the line. i allowed it to happen. i didnt think of the consequences.

with csw's
@rygel that's pretty unusual, prepaid sex. :-) but i guess it makes it feel less transactional

interview with a vamp
@august whatever happened to the report?
@anonymous i don't know about the growing old with wisdom part. i still make so many stupid mistakes.

midnight snack
@ortigaswanderer im just about to start s02. i really thought it was HBO. hihihi

shifting tastes
haha, my sexplicit post
@ronron sorry na
@closetjj LOL
@carlos keep it hard!
@victor nice!

Monday, November 14, 2011

wtf is happening to blogpress

so frustrating. it was so easy with iPad1. now i can't seem to figure this out with IOS5.1 and iPad2

so let me try to post this rant.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Saturday, November 12, 2011

pinoy mad men

spent time with the stalwarts of the pinoy ad industry.  one long day with them.

some of them i knew from way back.  proud to see that these people i started my corporate career with have done so well.  some of them i was familiar with in college.  they used to be part of this fag group who figured prominently in campus, with their noses up in the air.  i found them snooty then.  partly because of my own insecurities.  but now i get to know some of them and they turn out to be nice and friendly.  and very accomplished.

i viewed dozens and dozens of commercials yesterday.  wonderful output of the best agencies.  after seeing them, i started to see patterns. 

realism in beautiful lighting - urban or rural setting, as real as it could get.  more often in humble (read poverty level) environs.  but captured in wonderful cinematography.

background music unplugged - to accompany the rich visuals, instrumentals without lush orchestration.  typical just pluckings of guitar strings.

real people, less celebrification

the 30-second telenovela

this reflects the spirit of the times.  the 'reality tv' mirror we indulge in.  and of course, the 'indie film'. rather than be dazzled by aspirational themes, we are more reflective now.  and that transcends geography and socio-economic classification.

some noteworthy materials that represent this came from meralco, nestle, safeguard, cinemalaya (siyempre)

Thursday, November 10, 2011

network offline

im going offline for a while. well, just the social networks. the timeline has become a distraction rather than a diversion.

what used to be a means for me to be updated on the life pf my friends' became a voyeuristic window to the lives of people i dont really know. not that there is anything wrong with that. but it has become unhealthy for me. stalker mode much!

well, im just giving myself a break, i suppose. let's see how long i can stay offline.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

treatment is prevention

from the conference i attended, i picked up this development in the fight against HIV/AIDS.  some quarters are pushing to increase the arv administration threshold of the cd4 count.  HIV patients under arv treatment are lot less likely to engage in risky sexual behavior.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

thursdays with cc: the hunger

apologies to steve jobs fans out there, for my belated posthumous..err post.

Steve Jobs: Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

the value of this statement never rang more true to me than when i reflected about my teacher.

he has undoubtedly an amazing voice. he graduated at the conservatory with top honors. and hearing him sing would just sweep you off your feet.

but you won't catch him top-billing any opera, any concert, not anytime soon. why? because he is not hungry enough.

he sings for the love of it. wonderful. and he continues to study and perfect his craft. but he is not hungry for anything beyond that. not recognition. not wealth. he is perfectly happy the way he is right now. he is not pressured to take in more work, more students, because he literally does not need the money. so he just keeps on singing. and while he auditions for roles, or gets invited to some, he wouldn't be caught dead trying too hard to make it.

so that should be a good thing, right? to be content with what you have.


and no. steve jobs was right in wishing those stanford graduates to continue to be hungry. because hunger is the most powerful motivation to achieve excellence. 'blessed discontent' as i've blogged before.

my middle-class upbringing made me 'hungry'. made me keep on aspiring. and i still do. maybe not for the same things as before. but i still hunger, nevertheless.

i continue to challenge myself, to achieve better results at work, to reach for the higher note, to lose the additional flab. and lately, i hunger to do something that will really, truly achieve better health outcomes for all Filipinos, not just some.

hunger. it is a good thing.

110511 2148 Philippines?

i joined tour groups today. two half-day tours. yeah, these are usually tourist traps. but if you want to get the sightseeing done and over with, without having to do much planning, this is your best bet.

i usually do this for new places i visit. most of the trips i do are business trips anyway.

i joined small groups today. morning tour around the city of cape town was with 9 other pax. afternoon tour to the winelands, we were just six. i was mostly with whites: germans, americans, english.

i'm usually identified as asian. and a lot of them assume that i am either chinese or japanese. (hey mr. wong or hey mr. lee - i guess that is the counterpart of us calling each white guy joe.)

though when i mention that i'm actually from the Philippines, there is usually recognition, awareness. but not 100%. my afternoon tour guide didn't know where the Philippines was exactly.

recurrent themes upon recognizing that you are from the Philippines:

i've met some really nice Filipinos. very friendly.

there are a lot of Filipinos in (names their city). usually they are nannies.

i was on this cruise ship. and most of the personnel were Filipinos. and when i played some latin music, whoa, all the Filipinos just started dancing. it was hilarious!

how's the weather there? i hear it's like raining so much.

oh wow. how is manny pacquiaouuuw? he's great.

and as i have mentioned before, traveling is one humbling experience. im just another asian roaming their city, a tourist.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

103011 a long trip starts

here at naia, the world's worst airport.  the title is arguable.  im sure a lot have been said and will be said about this.  i bump into a guy i used to date. wow. he is looking great. he seemed genuinely happy to see me.  he was the one who actually approached me.  my behind looked familiar daw.  lol nothing substantial happened between us.  not even you know what.  no sparks.

we are supposed to board by 11pm.  but i still see the flight attendants at the boarding area.  will we be late again?

i got here in 40 mins from my place.  that gave me three hours leadtime to boarding.  when i got here, a looong line was already formed at the counter! sheesh were they here 5 hours ahead?  all the lining up eventually ate up more than an hour of waiting.  oh well, i shouldnt't be complaining.

i prepared for this long flight (combined 16 hours ill be in the air) by downloading all the series i needed to catch up on: mad men, desperate housewives, spartacus.  then the are the books i need to read.  and the time magazines.  now if only i could control my sleeping timeso i would have less jet lag in my final destination.

ill survive this.

Monday, October 24, 2011

encounters from the other side

ñpc's phone rang.  and as he answered it, i looked around for my sando and boxers.  i knew i threw it around in wild abandon just minutes before.  i found it and wore the boxers.  i did some fixing of the bed as pc was still in conversation.  i was waiting for him to finish. 

and when he was done, i cuddled up to him again, still bare-chested.  after a few moments, i got up to finish dressing up.  and i couldn't find my sando anymore.  i knew i just had it moments ago.  i didn't even leave the room.  yet we couldn't find it.  it just disappeared!  we searched the room, and even the bathroom.  nada. 

pc started to question my memory.  maybe i didnt actually have any sando on.  maybe i just thought i had one.  but no, i couldn't have gotten that wrong.  i knew i had one on before we started uhmm undressing.

it must be the dwende!  there is no such thing, pc retorted.  we are catholics and we don't believe in those things.  i just giggled.

because i actually believe in dwendes dwelling in the house!

this property is old.  the house before this new one has been up since the 40's (pre-war).  and until we demolished it two years ago, it was the same old house.  my lolo got the property back when san juan was known as san juan del monte, because of the hilly terrain.  and it was still the area for expansion.

out in front, by the street, we had two trees: chesa and caimito.  and we would often hear stories of passersby on the street who would see the proverbial white lady and even a tikbalang.  of course that scared the shit out of us kids.  but the most mentioned creatures mentioned by those with the 'third eye' are the dwendes the reside in the property.

we would periodically lose certain things.  and they would just re-appear from nowhere days after.  (so that sando disappearance was not uncommon).  and we would rule out petty theft because the stuff we would lose are so mundane and ordinary.  comb. shirt. book.  it is almost like they just playing games with us. 

but of course, all this was just conjecture and story-telling.

the closest we ever got to some kind of confirmation was the appearance of tiny footprints on the hood of my then-brand new red corolla.  one particular morning, our household help noticed one set of footprints, measuring about just 4" in length, traversing the hood of the car, on the windshield and on the top.  it was amazing!  it really looked like little feet, with no shoes.  the toes were even visible.  unfortunately, we weren't able to capture it on film (di pa uso digital nun)

before we demolished the house, we consulted an espiritista, a person who could see the creatures and could perform rituals to either appease them or ward them off.  upon setting foot in the old house, he immediately told us of the presence of so many dwendes, families even.  and unfortunately, some of them were the mischievous type (the black ones).  we paid him to do the rituals designed to tell them to move residence since we were about to demolish this one.  it took a few days of rituals (which we never witnessed but we trusted anyway).  then he told us that he has placed a protective covering over the house.  and he even dared us to ask any friend with a third eye to visit the place to declare it free of the spirits.

anyway, it has been two years since, and aside from my disappearing sando, there have been no stories about our inhabitants. 

are they back? ninuninuninuninu (twilight zone music)

they got it backwards

usually, you'd have a bunch of actors introduced in one movie.  that movie becomes one big hit and spins off several franchises.  the actors break up into their solo movies.

what i just LOVE about the avengers is how they did that formula backwards.  iron man, thor, captain america (and to lesser extent, hulk) have had successful solo movies!  and they have built up a following.  so multiply that by the number of those superheroes! astounding! 

i haven't been this excited over an action movie!  and it is simply because it is an ensemble of superheroes!  now if they could only fold in those dc superheroes! LOL

cc archives: Doo wah doo wah… the boy from new york city March 27, 2007

that's an 80's tune by the Manhattan Transfer! i'm starting my trip down memory lane with this boy (actually gel siya) from new york. i still get kilig reminiscing how we met...

picture this... one warm afternoon during the holidays... i decided to do some work and some surfing in one of the cafes along Morato. i brought my ehem new macbook ehem to the place and started surfing (free wifi raw). i had difficulty trying to access the network using the mac o/s. so i switched to windows and i had no problem.

in comes a really, really good looking chap, in jeans, knitted short-sleeve shirt with collar, rubber shoes. he looked so neat and mabango! and really good looking (did i mention that na?). sat near my table on the ground floor of the coffee shop. took out his mac and started working. i thought this would be my lucky day. it was just him and me there. KASO, he changed his mind and went to the 2nd floor. hmmp. tough luck.

after a few minutes, came down stairs looking at me. and asked me how i was able to connect. asus, i was getting tongue tied trying to explain how. he came closer to figure out what i was doing. mabango nga! eventually sat down beside me, tried to do some hammering on the keys... to no avail. he thanked me and went back up. INIS. i forgot to mention that he had a nice American accent, tunay po.

managed to forget about him and work for an hour where i was. after i was done, i packed my things and went to the 2nd floor to use the rest rooms. okay, okay, i really didnt HAVE to use the rest rooms BUT i felt i wanted to check up on him (the good neighbor that i am).

and he looked at me as I was coming up the stairs. I smiled and asked him whether he was able to connect. and he smiled and said he was fine. thanked me for asking. i went to the loo, came out and he was still there, typing away. across him was the water jug. i drank so many glasses, trying to see if i could muster enough courage to talk to him. i caught him looking at me from time to time. And finally, he opened up the conversation. HAY SALAMAT. i must have looked like i was already drowning he had to save me.

sat beside him and did some chit-chat. he's pinoy but based in new york, having been in the U.S. since he was 10. he was vacationing here because his sister got married recently. he was working out where i was working out. and that was where he was going after.

he asked me how far my place was... twice. and when i told him it was like 10mins away, he suggested that we go to my place. just like that. so upfront! so exciting!

brought him to my place and yes, got to know him in the biblical sense. that was so great! he looked great (did i mention that previously?) , he had a great fit body and wore no underwear (hihihi). he was intelligent and successful in new york (i confirmed that eventually).

felt like i was in a romantic movie, my version of 'falling in love' (meryl and robert de niro). for them it was a book store, mine was a coffee shop with the technological accessories!

we saw each other one more time before he left for the U.S. told me i could always stay with him in NY. we managed to exchange a few emails but lately, almost no communication.

which may be better in the long run because this one is JOWA material. and Lord knows i don't need one right now...

Saturday, October 22, 2011

The Prude Fabcast I

here we are again. making life miserable for a newbie peanut gallery member. LOL. one of pinoy gay life's ultimate challenges must be to survive a fabcast!

iamtofuboy is a first-time guest. his peculiar ahmmm dilemma caught our attention when he first expressed it at miggs, gibbs, vonn joint birthday celebration. he declared himself a prude. unfortunately, none of us had much alcohol in our brains then to make a mountain out of the molehill of a statement. but it was perfect fodder for the fabcasters.

so we reassemble in the chateau de cc, uhm, wait, i'd rather that it be known as cc salon, reminiscent of a grand time when salon meant...

,,,a gathering of people under the roof of an inspiring host, held partly to amuse one another and partly to refine taste and increase their knowledge of the participants through conversation. These gatherings often consciously followed Horace's definition of the aims of poetry, "either to please or to educate" ("aut delectare aut prodesse est"). Salons, commonly associated with French literary and philosophical movements of the 17th century and 18th centuries, were carried on until quite recently, in urban settings, among like-minded people. Wikipedia

anyway, so we are back in my place to discuss his particular issue. dissect, analyze, make fun of, criticize. all in the spirit of mean girls. LOL. kidding. all in the spirit of healthy discussion, as salons are supposed to be...

Download this fabcast (right click and save)

Music credits:
“Ooh La La” by The Wiseguys
“Like A Virgin (Live)” by Madonna
“Sho Nuff” by Fatboy Slim
“Why’s It So Hard” by Madonna

Thursday, October 20, 2011

this could have been my post...

... had i been blogging at the age of aleph.  with such self-awareness and honesty, aleph reveals some of his issues, which ill call 'middle-class syndrome'.  and i could hear myself whining the same way then.

the pre-occupation with having my own car drove me (pun intended) to make the career choices i did.  i also knew early on in my career that if i wanted to have a car pronto, it would be in an industry that gave employees vehicles as part of the job.  i cannot wait for the time i could afford my own car.  so choosing the industry, the company was fairly easy.  so i worked my butt off to deserve that car, to rise up the ranks. 

so i eventually got a car, different cars, even.  and beyond that, i have my own cars now.  and all the trappings that comes with my current position.  yes, self-made.  yes, comfortable now.  far removed from the time i was just like you, aleph, doing exactly the same things you are doing - penny-pinching, lugging my bag and my baon around, saving up for special occasions, and tutoring those that we secretly envy. 

i didnt have 'class issues' with my exes then.  i pretty much dated within my social circle.  (oops. i recall dating someone from a well-to-do family.  but that didn't last long enough for issues to come out)

but guess what, aleph, after all i've been through, with all the comfort around, i still have those pangs of insecurity.  why?  because no amount of money will ever be enough to keep up with the Joneses.  i will always be middle class.  and when i find myself comparing what i have with others beyond me, it hits me again.  there will always be so much more material things beyond my capacity to afford.  so it's all in the head, kid. 

and speaking of boyfriends and class differences, im with someone right now who is not just much younger than me, but also comes from a higher social class than me.  the differences may not manifest in financial terms now.  but they remain there.  so if i let my stupid insecurities eat me up,we'll end up with much argument. 

your self-awareness is already a major step.  i wish i was as aware then when i was your age.  if your boyfriend is not yet aware of it, it may help to talk about it, and recognize it as your issue that you are working on.  and that some patience from his side will be required as you sort it out.  (as if you were asking for advice!)

mega-relate lang ko sa post ni aleph.  thanks, kid.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

presenting... The Homosexuals

i would have wanted to live in the 60's, as i mentioned previously.  with the fashion i so admire.  but this is one reason i am happy where i am.  this cbs documentary was produced in 1967, just about the time little cc was sucking... on his milk bottle.  i got wind of the video from manhunt daily, my only source of porn these days.  (just stills, no video) 

you will find it rather long.  i lasted for only 15 minutes.  but that is enough for me to realize...

... how recent the attitudes have been so negative an unenlightened (meaning in my lifetime)

... how awful it may have been to be homosexual then and be labeled as deviant or sick

... how courageous our elders must have been to continue living the lifestyle despite such prejudice

... how lucky i was as an adult in the 80's

... and how much luckier you all are for being an adult now.

so much to be thankful for!

Monday, October 17, 2011

my entitlement issues

this post was supposed to start this way "how do i stop resenting guards of entrances to public places when they check my belongings?"

when i enter these places, im mentally prepared to show my displeasure to this guard as he/she waves the wand (is it a hi-tech detector?) and uses it to probe into my bag. this is on top of my disdain for queues and lines in the first plane.

knowing that they are just doing their job doesn't help. im still irate as i pass him or her. then i have all these awfully mean thoughts: alam mo ba kung magkano yan? and im not proud of that.

then i realize im just manifesting my sorry attitude of entitlement. im feeling that my status and my position entitle me to be treated differently from everbody else. i expect that they should have judged from my appearance that i am unlike everybody else.

this is my aha moment. how stupid of me to even think that i am actually different from everybody else just because of these trappings. i actually have begun to expect special treatment.

when i travel, i dont feel special and do not expect to be treated that way. worse is i sometimes feel even inferior. hence, i obey and comply. i fall in line, i let them frisk me just like everyone else.

mamang or ate guard does not deserve my sneering. he/she is doing her job by not treating anybody else specially.

now let's see how i put this paradigm shift into practice.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Friday, October 14, 2011

terminally 3

despite previous pronouncements that i will never ride cebupac again, i find myself for the third time in this terminal.  my luggage took a different plane from mine the first time i rode cebupac.  so i wasnt thrilled at all to find myself here again.  but with all that hoopla over pal labor unrest, i have no other choice. 

the terminal could have been fine really.  with a bit of glamming up, it could have been enough for foreign visitors to be satisfied, not to be impressed, though.  but because it now belongs to budget airlines, i see...

... 70% in flipflops, beachwear

... fun but noisy barkadas all around (ang saya saya!)

... koreans

... all kinds of handcarry bags (sm, sando plastics, manila envelopes)

... buses that load passengers tothe aircraft

things ive started to look forward to

. illy coffee & their uber-nice packaging of mineral water

. cute hunky guys in tank tops

. nice shops of everything

. that guard at the baggage xray check with glasses and biceps

one major complaint: they have got to improve the audio for announcements.  i could barely hear boarding announcements.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

hair talk

short one: ive noticed how much softer and supple my hair is now. i dont even use any hair wax or creme anymore. yet im able to fix it well. the waviness has even started to straighten out, the way it was when i was really young.

reason. ive made shampooing less frequent, at about 2x a week only. i used to do it 2x a day. but then i read articles from hair experts about how the practice robs the hair of moisture and oil. and i reasoned that since im always on air conditioned areas anyway, not as exposed to grime and dust as before, then it should be in need of cleaning as often. i used hair wax everyday too which makes matters ahmm.. complicated. the wax attracts and traps dust and dirt. hence the need for frequent shampooing.

anyway, im quite happy with the feel and smell of my hair. unless told otherwise. :-)

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Sunday, October 9, 2011

shifting tastes

i knew i was gay when i desperately wanted to suck cock. must have been high school when i truly became uber-conscious of the cock. compelled even.

giving head was the ultimate for me. to be able to feel the stiffness, the silkiness inside my mouth. to taste the veins of an engorged penis. to let my tongue play with the head, the helmet. and consequently, i developed preference for size and even for color, the pinkish hue of caucasian dick, due to availability of white porn.

and as i became sexually active, i was finally able to indulge in the delights of giving head. and i also began to enjoy receiving it as much. 69 became a favorite number. the sensation from both ends was just exquisite. and even as i have tried the top and bottom of it, oral sex was still tops for me. (huh?)

being able to see cock became a preoccupation for me. the side glances at urinals. the locker rooms and wet floors. even the outline on a tight-fitting pair of jeans was enough to send my pulse racing. i could and would imagine how it would feel to go down on some particularly nice piece of meat.

lately, i noticed that the pull of cock is less on me. id still look, if given the opportunity, if it is worth a glance. but that oral compulsion has died down considerably. what i do notice though, is that i have been looking at butts more often. my eyes are just drawn immediately to nice big mounds of assflesh. which is unusual for somone who is not into anal sex, much. it is just such a big turn on to see and feel a smooth bubble butt.

my sexual fantasies have shifted. i actually dont have as much. but when i do, it will be about receiving good head. i can't help but remember the times i had a great blowjob. it is not so much the actual skill of blowing but the circumstances that just leave me so horny. some of them happened in good old fitness steam rooms and saunas. there was this is one guy rabbed my cock from underneath my towel, as i was seated on the 2nd level bench. and as he tstroked me to full erection, he gently started sucking. with eyes closed. enjoying my meat. another time was at the sauna of a spa. he knelt down in front of me and refused to let go of my dick even as i was about to come. he swallowed each and every drop. (im getting a hard on just writing about it.)

so that's where my interests lie these days. i wonder where they would be in a few months or years.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Saturday, October 8, 2011

the random guy (wish i could take your picture)

you dont know it. but you brighten my day.

you in your disheveled hair from jeepney to jeepney. backpack or supot.

you are oblivious to me. you and your chest. and biceps. and ass so tight.

or your early-morning pressed button down shirt. you walk head held high. mindful of the cars and the tricycles. your SM necktie hanging loosely. too hot in the morning.

what else is on your mind? is it the report due today? or your sales quota? or is your girfriend giving you the cold shoulder, despite the three texts you sent "sori na me". i dont know

but i do know you are not thinking of me. or everybody else whose necks have followed you as you crossed the street. we are faceless. and random to you.

and you would have been, too, to me. had it not been for that way you unselfconsciously grabbed that handrail and gotten off that jeep. had it not been for the dimple. or that patrician nose. or those gorgeous eyes looking away.

random guy, i wish i could take that picture of you. to remind me of this feeling. from my groin up.

oddly enough. you are forever etched in my mind. filed under that time and place i saw you.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Sunday, October 2, 2011

midnight snack

1200mn.  pc preparing to leave. but before i take him home, we will have our midnight snack of durian.  amazing the way the fruit keeps in the freezer for days.  amazing, too, that pc and i adore this fruit, disliked by so many.  it is absolutely delicious.  addicting, even.  this is one fruit i actually crave for. cheers to the pleasures of durian!

finally got around to buying this new keyboard dock for my galaxy tab 10.1 so i am happily blogging away.  and that also means i will officially sell my ipad1 on

that site has helped me sell my old canon powershot g4.  and helped me get a good deal on my lumix.  again, pc's influence on me.  he regularly trades on the site and swears by its usefulness.  galeng-galeng!

in between mad men, we are watching spartacus, blood & sand, s01.  it really should be blood & cock.  i thought game of thrones had much frontal nudity.  that pales in comparison with the male nudity im seeing here.  a very good reason to watch the show.  uber-hot bodies in various stages of undress.  gladiators on show.  still couldnt believe hbo would actually produce something like this!

i got wasted last night at a send-off party.  sheesh.  it was typical fabcasters party:  soju everywhere.  much landian.  much puking after, right @mcvie? LOL had mega-fun, something we had not done in a long time.  i initially resisted joining in the karaoke singing.  but i gave in eventually.  and lost my voice in the process.  LOL.  my voice teacher will scold me for putting my voice box in jeopardy.

the fabcasters+ (plus for the peanut gallery).  when i joined them years back, i never thought it would evolve to become a community.  and that is what it is.  a community of like-minded people.  a very natural evolution for a social group.  we have seen it grow and accommodate more and more people.  but as new faces continue to grace the fabcasts, we have also seen faces disappear back into their lives.  i miss them at times.  i wonder what happened to them, what they are doing now.  they were once a part of this.

yes, these are just random thoughts at midnight. 

Thursday, September 29, 2011

thursdays with cc: interview with a vamp

the vamp is me. lol

a tweeter friend recently asked to interview me for his psych class. my understanding: interview a middle-aged person supposedly in the psychosocial stage of generativity vs stagnation:

at first i didnt know if i should be flattered, as i remembered this stage to be for senior citizens. but as shown above, it starts from age 25. so even pc is already in this stage. hehe

Stage 7: Generativity vs Stagnation 25-64

-if you have a strong sense of creativity, success, and of having "made a mark" you develop generativity, and are concerned with the next generation; the virtue is called care, and represents connection to generations to come, and a love given without expectations of a specific return

-adults that do not feel this develop a sense of stagnation, are self-absorbed, feel little connection to others, and generally offer little to society; too much stagnation can lead to rejectivity and a failure to feel any sense of meaning (the unresolved mid-life crises), and too much generativity leads to overextension (someone who has no time for themselves because they are so busy)


the interview was comprehensive: physical, emotional changes ive undergone. my childhood as context. my perceptions of aging. i was very spontaneous, answering off the cuff as he fired away his questions. but now that im here at home, ive had the chance to ponder on some questions and thought of expanding, or clarifying my answers. so here are my shamcey supsup answers.

was there a time you wanted to go back to your youth?

i initially answered no. i dont recall wishing i was back in an earlier time of my life. and i still believe that. life just keeps on getting better, despite some obvious limitations that age presents. physically, the crows feet around my eyes are noticeable. and i cannot lift the same weights as i used to. which means i cannot increase my muscle mass anymore. but im at my leanest form in my adult life, ever. and i still feel attractive. actually, maybe even more attractive. so i dont look at the mirror now and wish i had a younger face or body. i just keep on accomplishing more and more. i continue to be challenged. and i want to deliver every time. and i can never trade the wisdom i have gained through all these years for youthful exuberance.

any advice to young people about aging?

don't fear it. embrace it as a part of yourself. even as you glory in your youth, know that everything changes. and to hang on to such things will only bring despair. i've never lied about my age. maybe because i feel accomplished. but also because i really value wisdom. this was the only thing i asked for from Him, as i took on bigger responsibilities in my career. i asked for wisdom to manage my company and my own affairs right. and i know that only growing up and growing old would bring me that.

i hold senior citizen's in high regard because of this. years of living have taught them valuable lessons books can never impart. you can be an intelligent, learned youth but wisdom will come with age.

how are you expressing your 'generativity'? how are you 'taking care' or 'looking out for the next generation'?

it definitely didn't happen that i consciously planned to be mindful of the next generation. i believe that opportunities arise with improving financial standing. and it always starts with family. my definition of family also started to expand to include people under my direct employ. the idea of giving, of taking care of these people just happened. and honestly, i dont feel i should even be applauded. it really is just part of the job.

be open to opportunities be generous and giving. know that when they do arise, you will be ready, even if you think you are not. wasn't it the widow in the temple who have from the little that she had but was more justified? im so far from that ideal.

and it's not all about money. time and effort, they mean a lot to people to. i was touched when interviewer mentioned that blogging and fabcasting constitute other ways i 'care' for the next generation. i guess these are. and again, i am not to be congratulated. im just doing my job. and you will, too, when the time comes.

thank you, interviewer/tweeter friend, for the opportunity to share. i learned as much from this as, even perhaps more, than you.

mad men marathon

the advertising industry is very close to my heart. i started my career in the corporate world in advertising. that was fun but stressful. i was at the bottom of the food chain as an hapless advertising account executive. dakilang utusan ng kliyente. and terrorized by everyone, including (or especially) creative people! LOL but i was proud as an account executive. i started honing my relationship-building skills while attending to the needs of demanding clients. by doing a.e. work, i got my o.j.t. in marketing. and the best part was when my most demanding client, the big big boss of marketing of the bank even sent me a cake with a note of thanks for 'taking care of the account'. i posted that on the bulletin board!

i just finished season 1 of mad men. and im thinking, what took me four seasons to start watching the series? true confession: i thought initially it was some tv adaptation of mad max (stupid, right? lol) then of course, i went through a phase of hardly watching any series. and when i finally came around to watching again (primarily due to pc's influence), i prioritized other series like glee, desperate housewives, modern family. lately, its been game of thrones, walking dead. pc actually downloaded mad men previously and we set out to watch the pilot episode. but we got carried away with other things. *wink*

so after another series of awards for the show (and my fascination with 60's fashion), i finally decided to watch the darn series. and i must say, im hooked now. im appreciating each and every nuance of the well-produced episodes. the story did get a little incredulous with its twists, but hey, they needed to inject a character plot somewhere, right?

as always, the production values just astound me. the attention to detail to recreate 60's america. and im noticing the suits of uber-dilf donald draper. what a classic profile this guy has. yan ang gwapo!

*wipes drool* i wish i had that savvy. and that hairline. too bad i can never wear my hair that way. too thick and wavy. lol.

i love the way the series looks transitional. america was changing during that period. and what better way to show the evolution than through the eyes of advertising!

im done with season 1, in just three days (made use of travelling time during seoul trip to watch). i hope i could finish seasons 2 & 3 soon.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

face to face with csw's

commercial sex workers or csw's - the term i use in class when i discuss the case on hiv/aids. it sounds so clinical and sanitized.

im no stranger to them. ive been a patron. but during this fabcast, a frank discussion with two of them still has me uneasy. i guess it's context. my talks with csw's have been in the context of before or after services rendered. so there is that private, even intimate moment between him and me. and there is, i perceive, gut-level communication.

discussing at an analytical level commercial sex work, in a round table discussion is an altogether different ballgame! even as i admire their courage to speak about their work (esp boy shiatsu), i was actually uncomfortable for them during the fabcast.

there was a raw moment. and it served to reinforce my discomfort over this. but just as quickly, the fabcasters and peanut gallery pick up with wit and humor!

so listen in. it may be an eye opener for some. (it even was for me)

at the very least, enjoy the banter!

Music credits:

"Left To My Own Devices" by the Pet Shop Boys
"The Sodom And Gomorrah Show" by the Pet Shop Boys
"Suffer The Children" by Tears For Fears

Download this fabcast (right click and save)

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

victim mode?

it just dawned on me that ive been harrassed a couple of times in my life.   but i'm not too sure if harrass is the right word.  to be more accurate, people had wanted to have sex with me against my will. 

first was my professor in Spanish.  (i know ive posted this before. but bear with me for telling the story again).  this was when i didnt feelparticularly attractive.  awkward years, kung baga.  and this famously swishy professor was noted for his predilection for the gorgeous and hunky college studs.  so i was not, in anyway, thinking id even be remotely his type.  besides, my gameplan was to be a fag friend to him, to get me on his good side and get that 1.0 everybody seemed to get so easily in his class.

so it came as a swurprise to me when he was forcing me to have sex with him one afternoon during finals week.  we were literally in a struggle as he tried to open my zipper and get me to lie down on his couch.  siguro sobrang katigangan niya nun. i narrowly escaped, made for the door and dashed out to the corridors of the faculty center.  he gave me an incomplete.  a wonderful way of saying that ill soon be back in his room for consumation!

the next incident happened in davao.  i was checked in at this hotel.  and in the hotel corridor, i passed this guy also giving me the eye.  it was the classic pick up dance.  i got a room to room call in minutes, and in my room after a few more.  i suddenly had a change of heart and wasnt interested in sex anymore. (a pang of guilt since i was still in a relationship then) so i tried to weasel my way out of it.  but i guess the guy was so worked up.  he pushed me to the wall, and just pulled my boxers down to start giving me head.  i was pulling him up even as his mouth was desperately getting me hard.  i managed to yank him off me.  and only then did he get the hint.  he left the room immediately.

another time this happened was with this client.  i found him ruggedly attractive, dark-skinned witn a nice build.  and i was sensing that he swung both ways, though he has wife, mistress, and kids all over. excess libido?  we went out, which is customary for my industry.  did some drinking.  then he told me that it was too late for him to go home and wanted to crash in my pad for the night.  well, i had a sofabed outside as an extra so i brought him home.  as i made him feel comfortable on the sofabed, i went to the room to sleep.  but he came into my room anyway.  and tried to kiss me on my lips and on my neck.  i pushed him away.  i told him i couldn't because he was a client.  rejected, he went back to the sofabed.  he didnt talk to me much the morning after.

then there was this pwart time therapist referred to me by my friend.  he had given me home massage services a couple of times, with absolutely no extras.  but i also noted how his hand would delicately avoid my crotch.  i knew he was gay though he didnt look it.  and i was sensing his attraction to me with the way he remark about my body or my smile or my eyes.  during one session, as i was lying on my back with my eyes closed, i felt him on top of me and starting to lick my nipples. i actually allowed him to linger since it felt good. but when he swallowed my dick, i pulled him up, awakened to reality. he was startled by my reaction and immediately got off me. he apologized profusely and left abruptly.

i dont feel victimized. i just know i didnt want to have sex with them. im wondering if they actually thought i wanted sex (except for davao guy). did i lead them on? id like to think i didnt. but im guessing i have this vibe that tells them i wont say no. my friend tells me i have this helpless look, especially when people just grab my chest. i allow them to. im thinking that they are just admiring (or checking for silicone) and no harm can come of it. maybe there is some harm somewhere, especially if the person turns out to be aggressive.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

acceptable exhibitionism

fellowfab lobster tony is one of the blessed ones. he always get front row access to the gayest parteh in town (disguising as ladies' night), the Cosmo Bash. and being such a nice fellowfab, he shared his abs-in-your-face experience with us mere mortals by posting these lovely, lovely videos. check out his site for more.

yes, the videos sent me salivating. and again, becoming envious of such mahvelous physique on display.

display is what they did. you could see how each and every one of those cosmo bachelors worked the crowd. and were being worked by the crowd. they were clearly in da zone when it comes to performance! im imagining that for some of these straight guys, there must have been some hesitation to disrobe. but showbusiness attracts the exhibitionists. those who ultimately marched down that ramp must have been turned on with the adulation.

so as i watch the video, a thought pops in my head: they are like 'circus animals', trained to entertain and wow the audience. and the ooohs and ahhhs, the screams, the hoots all serve to reinforce the exhibitionistic tendencies.

and i thought to myself that that is not different from all the fb profiles with torso pics, and their 4000+ fb friends. posting a sexy shot out there and getting such nice compliments and comments really feels goooood.

and i finally i realized, im no different from them either. :-(

Sunday, September 18, 2011

an excuse to show hot gay sex?

the movie, the brother V the reunion, is.

i dont even know how i got hold of this dvd. i uploaded it to my ipad last year and never got around to finishing it. until my last flight. and i was SHOCKED to see so much homoerotica! and the HOT lead stars were the ones getting it on! i suddenly had to cover my ipad as i watched! (nahiya ako sa katabi ko!)

but see for yourself. im sure you'd have thought twice if that was a sean cody film you accidentally loaded!