victim mode?

it just dawned on me that ive been harrassed a couple of times in my life.   but i'm not too sure if harrass is the right word.  to be more accurate, people had wanted to have sex with me against my will. 

first was my professor in Spanish.  (i know ive posted this before. but bear with me for telling the story again).  this was when i didnt feelparticularly attractive.  awkward years, kung baga.  and this famously swishy professor was noted for his predilection for the gorgeous and hunky college studs.  so i was not, in anyway, thinking id even be remotely his type.  besides, my gameplan was to be a fag friend to him, to get me on his good side and get that 1.0 everybody seemed to get so easily in his class.

so it came as a swurprise to me when he was forcing me to have sex with him one afternoon during finals week.  we were literally in a struggle as he tried to open my zipper and get me to lie down on his couch.  siguro sobrang katigangan niya nun. i narrowly escaped, made for the door and dashed out to the corridors of the faculty center.  he gave me an incomplete.  a wonderful way of saying that ill soon be back in his room for consumation!

the next incident happened in davao.  i was checked in at this hotel.  and in the hotel corridor, i passed this guy also giving me the eye.  it was the classic pick up dance.  i got a room to room call in minutes, and in my room after a few more.  i suddenly had a change of heart and wasnt interested in sex anymore. (a pang of guilt since i was still in a relationship then) so i tried to weasel my way out of it.  but i guess the guy was so worked up.  he pushed me to the wall, and just pulled my boxers down to start giving me head.  i was pulling him up even as his mouth was desperately getting me hard.  i managed to yank him off me.  and only then did he get the hint.  he left the room immediately.

another time this happened was with this client.  i found him ruggedly attractive, dark-skinned witn a nice build.  and i was sensing that he swung both ways, though he has wife, mistress, and kids all over. excess libido?  we went out, which is customary for my industry.  did some drinking.  then he told me that it was too late for him to go home and wanted to crash in my pad for the night.  well, i had a sofabed outside as an extra so i brought him home.  as i made him feel comfortable on the sofabed, i went to the room to sleep.  but he came into my room anyway.  and tried to kiss me on my lips and on my neck.  i pushed him away.  i told him i couldn't because he was a client.  rejected, he went back to the sofabed.  he didnt talk to me much the morning after.

then there was this pwart time therapist referred to me by my friend.  he had given me home massage services a couple of times, with absolutely no extras.  but i also noted how his hand would delicately avoid my crotch.  i knew he was gay though he didnt look it.  and i was sensing his attraction to me with the way he remark about my body or my smile or my eyes.  during one session, as i was lying on my back with my eyes closed, i felt him on top of me and starting to lick my nipples. i actually allowed him to linger since it felt good. but when he swallowed my dick, i pulled him up, awakened to reality. he was startled by my reaction and immediately got off me. he apologized profusely and left abruptly.

i dont feel victimized. i just know i didnt want to have sex with them. im wondering if they actually thought i wanted sex (except for davao guy). did i lead them on? id like to think i didnt. but im guessing i have this vibe that tells them i wont say no. my friend tells me i have this helpless look, especially when people just grab my chest. i allow them to. im thinking that they are just admiring (or checking for silicone) and no harm can come of it. maybe there is some harm somewhere, especially if the person turns out to be aggressive.