Thursday, December 30, 2010

mggff, the community

my title sounds like a wikipedia entry. hehe. the other night, that online community mggff (manila gay guy find a friend...) went offline and gathered together for some christmas fun. a lot of members went to the house of gracious host ms g, some of them a first to have an offline persona.

this is the second xmas party i attended. and it seemed to be getting bigger and better every year. last year, i remember miggs was still ahmm quite anonymous to most of his reader-members. but this year, i proudly watched miggs go all out and be all out there for the community. he worked the crowd and made sure that each person would feel welcome.

im pretty much of an outsider, still. not active in the fb site. but i do feel welcome even if im probably the least known fabcaster. i feel awkward when sweet fellowfab gibbs would introduce me to some people and 'reveal' me as cc. only because he says it as if expecting that the person introduced to would even know cc or the blog. (omg! its cc!) hehe. most of the time, id get this really polite but clueless look (who or what is 'cc'??, poor thing must be thinking) and id try to remove the pressure by telling that new acquaintance that it is ok not to be aware of 'cc'. hahaha. i just find so sweet of gibbs to assume that there would be some awareness level for cc. :-)

the party was getting really fun when ms g, jomsp and my dear pc started doing the soju rounds! and the pressure these guys were putting on the hapless members! hahaha there was just no saying no! alas, we had to leave because of work and meetings for me the following day.

so to readers out there looking for true online camaraderie (not kama-raderie, as some militant members would like to emphasize!), be a member! i believe there is a link to mgg fb site where you can find out more.

it is a nice community of like-minded individuals seeking friendships. what i witnessed during the party reinforced this perception even more.

so to the prime movers of mggff, including good friend miggs, kudos to a great party, a wonderful community! and happy new year!

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Saturday, December 25, 2010

that tag function

christmas morning. and im feeling like a scrooge or grinch (take your pick)

my problem lies in that tag function in facebook.

that tag function i use ONLY to properly 'label' friends in photos. so they would know and see that photo.

that tag function now appears when someone wants to sell me something.

that tag function now appears when someone wants to call my attention to something.

that tag function now appears when someone wants to greet me, as part of a broadcast greeting on a photo.

the worst is...

when i get all these alerts of others responding to that tag function. each and every message from all the others tagged start to flood my alert box.

i dont really have to know all these comments and replies, do i?


solution. untag. sometimes, un-friend. nasty.

btw. merry christmas.


Friday, December 24, 2010

maligayang pasko

when we were young, we were given that line about Santa and gifts by our parents. and i believed it. i asked Santa for a lot of gifts growing up. but i only got a few chosen ones. and when i started not getting all those i wished for, i started to doubt Santa. my parents would hide the toys somewhere. and would make sure that christmas morning, we would wake up to all our toys neatly stacked below the little tree.

that was such a treat. my best xmas gift was the action figure six million dollar man. though i really wanted a ken doll (which tatay didnt want to buy because 'pang babae yun'), i was happy to receive any male doll, for that matter. that was also the christmas i realized that Santa was tatay, too, when i saw him bringing all our gifts out from the car.

my dad got my sister the bionic woman (which didn't exactly thrill her) as steve austin's partner. i ended up playing most of the time with both of them, making up scripts and stories, dressing them up (though they only had one change of clothes. LOL).

as my social circles grew wider, i started receiving more and more gifts, tokens of friendship and love. i used to open up gifts the moment i receive them. but eventually, i waited for christmas eve to open up all my presents. i like the way the gifts accumulate under the tree.

and as i rose up the ranks, gifts would come not just from friends but from business associates and contacts.

i am touched when people, particularly those in the organization many levels removed from me, give me gifts and tokens. at the same time, i sometimes wish they wouldn't anymore. working with them is a wonderful gift. but i suppose it is not just about what that gift would mean to me but what it would mean to them. i really see their generosity and goodness and thoughtfulness. when i open their presents, as i read their greetings, i say a short prayer for them and ask that they continue to be blessed.

sometimes, it is another mug, or candle, or decor. but still, the value is beyond what it is but what it stands for.

i did a 10K in the up oval earlier. it was so pleasant running there. some images...

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Prosperity Thoughts

I have a sister who consistently complains about not having 'enough'. Her financial woes is a typical litany she recites to our folks over the phone. Yet, she is actually very successful, a practicing u.s.-based medical doctor. of course, her worries and money-aches are all too real for her.

she got me thinking of prosperity, and 'the secret'. as long as she focuses on the 'lack', rather than be truly grateful for the 'abundance', she will continue to 'attract' the negatives of the universe.

thinking 'positive' is thinking, believing that you are already blessed. that you are already living in abundance. "feeling mayaman" as people would put it.

"feeling mayaman" for me goes beyond having all those expensive brands and gadgets to show for. sure that is one hell of a display of wealth (as i myself fall prey to, too). but i've also started to realize that the best evidence of abundance is generosity. nobody can refute that being a 'giver' means having quite a 'disposable' income. "talagang mayaman!"

so if you want to attract more wealth and prosperity, beyond 'owning' and 'claiming' this car or this property as part of the exercise of 'positive thinking', why not focus on 'being generous', of giving a bit more? Just a bit more. And it doesn't always have to be money. It can be time and effort. In itself, the act of giving comes with a wonderful feeling. Multiply that with the gratitude you will get from your recipients, gratitude that will echo through the universe! You will start to attract even more 'positive' forces and more prosperity.

"Feel Mayaman" by being more generous. And truly become "Mayaman!"

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Tuesday, December 14, 2010

early morning jog

i miss jogging early morning. i used to have the discipline to wake up by 5am everyday and be at the gym by 545am. i'd park the car in front (securing a parking space) then jog as my warm-up. by 630am, when the gym opens, i'd be ready for my weights.

my jog would be on the streets around the gym. partly residential, partly commercial. i had a chosen a route free from pesky dogs that would suddenly bark (and might just bite!) when i would pass by.

at that time of the day, i'd see the household help walking to buy pandesal. they would still have their wake-up hairdo, sun dress ("daster" - where in heaven's name did that come from?), literally dragging their feet to the sari-sari store. some of them would be washing the cars on the street. sometimes, that would be the tatay, already up, meticulous looking over the car, making sure that no streak of yesterday's mud remains on his crown jewel.

then there is the taho vendor, now stationed in one area rather than plying the streets. the drivers, the security guards milling around him and chatting away.

ahh, the security guards. some guard the condos, some the office buildings. at first, i was just another passer by. but after seeing me regularly, they would be nice enough to smile and say hi. we really are a nice hospitable lot!

a few times, i would see a good looking one. and that would be enough for me to look forward to that route. but what was most memorable was this particular guard stationed at a warehouse. he takes a bath, with dipper and pail (tabo at timba) in the early morning, right at the garage area of the compound. he would be partially hidden from view because of the trucks parked on the driveway. but i still saw him, and his wet, wet white underwear. let me put a damper on that imagination of yours. he is plain looking, with a big belly. but the image of a semi-naked guy taking a bath is still worth a look-see for a horny cc.

the first few times, he didnt notice me, as i slowed down to a walk as i pass by. then one time, he saw me as he was pouring water on his body, acknowledged me with a nod. that gave me the opp to stay a bit longer and see the wet bulge. and it seemed a handful!

the next time i passed by, he asked me to 'jump in and join him' "sarap maligo!" though i was tempted, i just used the time to talk to him a bit longer. so funny how i got all fired up with the thought! it wasn't so much the thought of having sex with him but the idea that i could watch him take out his dick and get off. my voyeurism fueled all that.

eventually, that gym closed down. and i had no reason to jog in the area anymore. but every time i passed by that street and that warehouse, i'd still see the image of mamang guard, taking a bath and nodding at me. and i would smile.

yes, i miss early morning jogs.

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Sunday, December 12, 2010

cc, the catholic closet comments on condoms

i still do not really know whether these are the actual statements from the pope about condoms. but i would have to assume that these are.

There may be a basis in the case of some individuals, as perhaps when a male prostitute uses a condom, where this can be a first step in the direction of a moralization, a first assumption of responsibility, on the way toward recovering an awareness that not everything is allowed and that one cannot do whatever one wants. But it is not really the way to deal with the evil of HIV infection. That can really lie only in a humanization of sexuality.

Peter Seewald: Are you saying, then, that the Catholic Church is actually not opposed in principle to the use of condoms?

HIS HOLINESS, POPE BENEDICT XVI: She of course does not regard it as a real or moral solution, but, in this or that case, there can be nonetheless, in the intention of reducing the risk of infection, a first step in a movement toward a different way, a more human way, of living sexuality.

oh the debate rages on. is it a seismic shift in the position of the church? if you read the comments on that blog, you would note the sentiment that the pope was taken out of context. and if you read the entire section, it pretty much is the same position of the church.

but i believe it is seismic. only because it is coming from a position of being absolute. that there is no situation, no context that will justify the use of a condom. that was how i have always read the position of the Church. giving this itsy-bitsy opening, a possibility of a justified use of condom, is seismic. it is paradigm-shifting.

and for that i have grown to love Pope Benedict! he is certainly no charmer like his predecessor. but this has made me appreciate the man.

Eucharistic Prayer

Lord, remember your Church throughout the world; make us grow in love, together with {Benedict} our Pope, {name of local bishop}, our bishop, and all the clergy.

Yes, I have grown in love, together with Benedict, our Pope.

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Thursday, December 9, 2010

vintage photos

yesterday was feast of the immaculate conception. i received the sacrament of Holy Communion on that day eons ago. (do they still do that? institute the sacrament only on dec 8?) it made me look for my old photos. ahh. this was in grade 2, as i recall. a picture of innocence?!

this next picture explains my fascination with simply red. my dad, from his meager salary, managed to give me this wonderful wonderful car, a jaguar xke! i loved it (though my sisters loved it more.) this was in luneta park. when families used to do 'stroll in the park' as a sunday bonding option and not 'shop in the mall'.

the actual jaguar xke, a vintage classic. it had a convertible edition.

so many things in our adult lives could really be traced to childhood experience!

the child is the father of the man - wordsworth, as quoted so frequently by freud.

Monday, December 6, 2010

There You Go

The blog did NOT appear in the list of finalists! LOL. Well, it was fun while it lasted!

Friday, December 3, 2010

Im still unsure but...

i received an email last week confirming the nomination. am i going to jump for joy and prepare my long gown, my acceptance speech?

i visited the site and saw that they havent posted the list of nominees yet. (do they post the nominees?) i did get the invite to the dec 12 event. im supposed to rsvp by dec 8. perhaps i could go in drag and not be recognized? hihi

let's just assume it's real. i wonder who nominated me. sino ka para mayakap kita ng mahigpit? haha how this blog ever got to the point of being nominated is beyond me. all that emo finally got me somewhere! LOL

but still, i'm unsure. so my thrill remains cautious. my joy, restrained. abangan!

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being counted

i changed my fb profile from a facepic to a cartoon from my childhood, in response to an online campaign on violence against children. as more people got into it, my fb friends list became so cute and colorful. and it prompted nice exchanges, recalling cherished childhood memories.

then i started reading negative reactions. i interpret them to mean that this campaign is a superficial action to a deep, disturbing issue. na-guilty naman ako. a profile pic change will not prevent another child from being abused.

wearing my marketing hat, i now reason that the online campaign serves its purpose of raising awareness for the issue of violence against children.

Change your facebook profile picture to a cartoon from ur childhood & invite ur friends to do the same. Until monday (Dec.6) there should be no human faces on facebook, but an invasion of memories. This is for violence against children.

the issue exists, i know, but it doesnt enter my consciousness. until now. so in that respect, the campaign achieves its goal. but just like so many marketing campaigns, it is incomplete. being an advocacy for change, the campaign should end with some action point. once i change my profile pic, what could i do next? file a petition to a congressman? memorize a "bantay bata" helpline? give funds? just like the trevor project. being aware of the issue directed one to an online help center.

having said that, people who participated, who "stood up to be counted" should not be faulted. it is the campaign's shortcoming. not ours. and if i am having fun in the process of being made aware of the issue, should i feel guilty? i dont think i should. even if i do not make steps to know the issue on deeper level, that is not my character flaw. the campaign fell short of inducing me to do such.

and as fellow fab puts it...

Yung mga pumupuna sa mga naglalagay ng cartoon profile pic, relax lang kayo. Wala namang masama. Kanya-kanya ang intensiyon, yung iba for fun, yung iba to show support. Di naman siguro required lahat ay katulad ninyong nakikibaka. Kung gusto ng mga taong umaksiyon, good. Kung ayaw, hayaan ninyo lang. Walang basagan ng trip.

Dude, walang basagan ng trip... at ng eggs!

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Thursday, December 2, 2010

SAHC: The Empire Strikes Back

Senior year - we fags had the time of our lives! we knew who we were. we were accepted and loved (!) by our classmates. we had all bonded together, save for a few who didnt want to be associated with us. we were doing well in academics, capturing the top slots. we were now talking about college, careers. the world was our proverbial oyster.

but not for long.

the priests in the school knew they had a looming crisis on hand. that unspeakable evil called gay relationships was alive and well on campus. their research had revealed numerous gay relationships among the seniors. it was time to take action.

i think it was the principal who
had beth send to the 'office'. he revealed to him the results of the investigation. he had in his possession the names of all the fags and their boyfriends. he sternly told him to tell all of us to stop this abomination or else: he will expose all our names by announcing during next month's general assembly. he forbade us from congregating as a group. we are all to go home right after class. he also threatened to talk to our parents.

beth hurriedly convened us that afternoon. he told us verbatim the instructions, the threat. we were in shock. our future was about to be ruined. our love, our selves were finally labeled as evil. and humiliation was going to be our exorcism.

there was no talk of rebellion. we all accepted that they held our lives in their hands. we were going to play by their rules. no questions asked.

to be continued

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Wednesday, December 1, 2010


at launching of his new coffee table book, pj was relaxed, charming and uber-handsome. almost all of his endorsements were there for support. and abs cbn executives too. all the way up to gabby lopez. he really remains the diadem in their crown jewels.

lamang lang siya ng ilang paligo. mga tatlong daan. hehe

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Tuesday, November 30, 2010


nakakasira ng disposisyon

crotches. they are so distracting. a crotch-scratch. a fixing movement (an uncomfortable hard on?) or just a hand idly resting on it.

im having conversation in a restaurant. waiter standing on the side fixes his crotch. distraction.

im reading my book in a starbucks branch. guy across me in another table has his legs wide open, tight jeans. tight fit across the crotch. bulge revealed. distraction.

waiting in a lobby. a visitor sitting on the couch. adducting, abducting his legs (oh yeah i blogged this one) distraction.

they should these distractions. so i could concentrate.


Courtesy Photo400 How to

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Sunday, November 28, 2010

SAHC: The Retreat

i finished a retreat recently, a spiritual retreat. the last time i attended one was about 10 years ago. and before that, it was in high school.

i know we had annual live-in retreats but what i remember is the one we had in our senior year. we had our retreat at an antipolo retreat house. it wasnt something i was looking forward to. i felt so uncomfortable sleeping with my classmates in dorm-type accommodations. i know i wouldnt be able to sleep with other boys snoring or being boistereous. and the concept of furtive blow jobs or even jack offs were just too alien to me. i just took comfort that my gelfriends were with me.

retreats always had someone crying or breaking down. that happens during the late evening, with some particularly dramatic spiel of the retreat master. during that activity, the retreat master was, of course, making us feel guilty about all our sinfulness. at that age, it was usually pornography and masturbation. and maybe lying and cheating. the room was dark, except for one light focused on a veiled image of the Cross. then he suddenly draws the veil, making us focus on the suffering Christ, suffering because of our evil ways. sobbing in the background.

then came the testimonies. the breast-beating. the mea culpas. the emotional breakdown. i tried to cry. but all i could muster was a yawn. it didnt hit me at all. and all i could think about was how to try to get some sleep after.

the following day was resolution and commitment-setting. the 'i promise not to jerk off anymore' among others. that comes during the long mass. me and my gelfriends were thinking of our boyfriends in the other sections to take anything seriously.

i really didnt take any of that seriously then. high school was just too much fun to take anything seriously, except my studies.

retreats and recollections are different for me now. though i still hesitate to attend, i immerse myself fully in the moment. and use the time to truly be reflective. i definitely could use the down time. i dont end up making major major resolutions and commitments. but the activity itself is enough for me to review my relationship with Him and be renewed.

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Saturday, November 27, 2010

confusing realities

im not one to discriminate against people who want to be 'fb friends' (or even friendster for that matter) though i dont know them from adam. add lang ng add. gow lang ng gow.

they eventually become familiar names and profiles as they stream through my news feed.

then there is the occasional 'like' of or comment on a post or a pic i uploaded. a virtual acquaintance happens. and i would also browse their uploads, look at their pics.

let this go on for months and their faces become so familiar. so much so that when i see them in person finally, by chance (and not some hook up) the impulse is to smile and say hi!

he was one of those fb friends. i saw him at the gym and when our eyes locked, it was 'hello' immediately and a smile. small talk followed a bit. that slowly became uncomfortable when i realized i actually havent met him. and he was speaking to me as if he also knew me personally!

i had to cut short the chat to leave. i had the huge question mark in my head, trying to recall if it was him and if we were actually introduced before (senior moments?!? horrors!)

i sent him an fb message just to confirm it was him. i was sort of hesitating because i might come off as being a snobby prick. he was nice enough to acknowledge that it was him. relief.

i exist in two worlds now. (two realities?) and i can not always distinguish a friend met in one or the other.

and as i grow older, i just know things will get more discombobulating.

which is not always so bad. :-)

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10 minutes of glory

my pt (personal trainer) and i were texting:
boss, isali kita sa contest.
oo, boss, madali lang. kayang kaya mo. sony walkman mp3 player ang prize.
haha. tignan natin.

i got to the gym. he was waiting for me, waving at the sony walkman booth at the reception area.

yehey! nandiyan na ang pambato ko! (he was boasting to the other trainers) sige boss, magpalit ka na.

suddenly i was feeling preysured not unlike janna san miguel.

i did my weigh-in first after dressing up. even my nutrition counselor was egging me on. wow, sir! kaya mo yan! pero may kasalanan ka sa akin! naku ang daming buffet last week! panuorin kita!

well, there was no backing out now. my pt showed me the 'challenge': to what seemed like a deadlift to bicep curl to shoulder press movement with a 45lb dumbbell to failure. most no of reps wins.

boss, ang record 60. i looked at the list and saw about 15 names there. aside from the 60, mostly in the range of 30's- 40's.

kaya mo yan boss. malakas ang lower back at quads mo. at alam kong goal-oriented ka.

the other pt's and members start to gather around.

si idol pala yan! wow. kayang kaya ni idol yan! goes some of the pt's. (idol?)

so i started. and about a small group crowded around me, counting the reps.

30-31-32-33 i was starting to feel the fatigue.
42-43-44-45 shortness of breath. but all i could see was me (i was infront of the mirror). i had to make sure i still had the form. and i was breathing properly.
58-58-60 applause from all around. hanep. kaya pa yan! 100 reps!, shouts one of the onlookers. but i was really really tired by that time.
i did it up to 70. upon finishing, applause everywhere. i was the star. galeng mo boss! sabi ko na nga ba! kaya mo yan! goal-oriented ka!

even my pt knows me so well. challenge me. set a goal for me. and no matter how menial the task, ill go for that goal. reach that objective.

for the next minutes, i was smiling and panting, being congratulated.

until 'doc' came along. they challenged him, taunted him, pointed me to him and told them of my '70' record.

i tried to be nonchalant. we started our training. but i couldnt help but listen in as they started counting the reps for him.

65-66-67 ang bilis naman!
69-70-71 there goes my record. my personal best. shattered.

he stopped after 71, secure that he has beaten the previous record.

some guys rooting for me were sour-graping. swinging movement lang siya. di naman sila strikto sa form. oo nga. mali yung movement niya. siyempre kayang-kaya ang 70!

i was thinking along those lines too. hmmmpff. incorrect movement. but then again, it wasnt his fault. nobody corrected him. nobody bothered to monitor. i was trying to beat the monster called envy.

the dust settled. 71 is the new record to beat. as for me, i enjoyed my 10 minutes of Idol! hahaha.

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x-files, case closed.

after more than a year, i have finished watching all nine seasons of x-files. i even posted when i started watching again in 2009 i like the feeling of completing tasks (my oc-oc goal orientation). it was almost like a chore watching the series, though. definitely, there were some dud episodes. and at times, i'd doze off watching.

it took me this long to finish because im not one to do series marathons. i know of friends who can hole themselves up for half a day or more to finish a season of some series they like. i could never do that. i ended up watching x-files in the car. scully and mulder became my traffic distractions. and there would be stretches (weeks, even) when i wouldn't be watching it at all. so given all of that, i give myself a pat on the back for finishing the series.

by season 7, mulder disappeared. he was replaced by agent john doggett. then eventually, agent monica reyes also joined. they eventually became THE x-files team. scully was still around as some sort of consultant, with a personal agenda (of finding out more about her baby william). i actually started to enjoy the series again with doggett primarily (robert patrick). ill always associate him with terminator 2, as the liquid mercury robot. he brought a roughness (and skepticism) to the show. monica reyes (annabelle gish) was the mulder-type now (weird, hehe). they dimensionalized scully with the maternal angle. which, for me, sort of ruined her steely-resolve, all scientific character. she became the weepy lover, pining for a missing mulder.

that alien conspiracy theory became soooo convoluted as the seasons went on. first it was just searching for evidence of aliens, to clones, to alien viruses, to super soldiers. i just got lost. however, they all summed it up very well during the very last episode. a reunion actually for most of the important characters of the series! it was nostalgic, as all series enders go. funny how they had to make some come back as 'ghosts' or 'hallucinations' of mulder. a curtain call of sorts.

next on the agenda, x-files the movie, the bomb. hehe. i wonder how that will turn out!

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Tuesday, November 23, 2010

nutrition counselling. the frustration.

im on my seventh week of the program. after six weeks, i have managed to lose... tadah ... 3 lbs when i started. three freaking pounds. last week, my body fat% went down to 19.1% from 22.6%. then it went up again to 20.2% wtf? and this is me doing all that i can to stick to the diet.

i've been a very good student. i've actually lowered my average calorie intake to the 1,500 daily. and i've improved on the quality of my meals (balanced, less fat). even the nutritionist congratulated me. yet figures speak for themselves. minimal progress. and my own figure, looking at the mirror, confirms. belly fat still there, specially in the belly button and around the obliques.

ive increased my running to 3x/week, at about 15-20km per week. and of course, my training remains super regular. and i've managed to increase my poundage at certain exercises.

yet. yet. the results are disappointing. i've begun to dread fridays when i consult with her and she measures me. oh well.

in my frustration, i ended up with this buffet for dinner saturday. i indulged. i felt good then guilty. sounds familiar? LOL. if it's not sex, it's food. LOL

Sunday, November 21, 2010

the oddly familiar

i walked inside the condo lobby, about to transact business with a tenant. i casually notice just one other guy on the sofa. he looked at me. i give him a once-over. not terrible looking. a few baths perhaps. looks like a good build though. he was slouching, his pelvis thrust upward, the crotch emphasized in the position.

i looked away and talked to the guard. as the guard was confirming the tenant's presence, i glance back at him. he is staring at me.

my heart started to beat faster. the oddly familiar feeling. the sixth sense of sex. all contained in a look.

i sat down across him to wait for my tenant. i try to steal a glance at him again. he looked around. he looked bored. but his lower limbs started moving. the adduction-abduction of the thighs. in the vernacular, Kuyakuy. freud would posit that as discreet masturbation. with him there was nothing discreet about it, at least to me. that movement was meant to coax an erection, without overtly rubbing his crotch.

the pulse continued to race. my mouth was quite dry. that adrenalin response. i stole a glance again, and caught him looking at me again.

yes, the familiar feeling. in another time and place, with another cc incarnation, the sequence of events would have led to one or the other sending overt signals. the 'come hither' look. or more crassly, the "follow me to some isolated place so we could exchange numbers or even fluids" look.

i stopped looking, quite ashamed of the feeling. but i had to recognize them as they are. i had to call them out. the person he was waiting for arrived. and they both left. the pulse started to decelerate. the feelings were subsiding, normalizing.

the feelings never really go away. i've learned to recognize, acknowledge, label the feelings. let them pass through me. no violent denials. just letting your self know that the feelings are there. but they don't have to control your actions. they don't have to be acted on. they don't have to define you. they eventually come to pass.

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Christ the King

this is a religious post.

i have good church days and bad church days. a bad church day means i attend the mass but half of the time, i'm actually quite sleepy. and as much as i try to focus, my mind wanders off to so many other issues and concerns. a good church day was a day like today. i remembered it was the feast of Christ the King, the end of the liturgical year.

the gospel was lifted from the crucifixion (Lk 23:35-43). i always get goose bumps (and even become teary eyed) at this part

The other, however, rebuking him, said in reply,
"Have you no fear of God,
for you are subject to the same condemnation?
And indeed, we have been condemned justly,
for the sentence we received corresponds to our crimes,
but this man has done nothing criminal."
Then he said,
"Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom."
He replied to him,
"Amen, I say to you,
today you will be with me in Paradise."

i truly feel the humility of the 'other thief'. and when Jesus promises him that they will be together in Paradise, i feel the redemption, so undeserved yet so triumphant.

good church days. i hear a conversation between Him and me. i was looking at the image in the church. in prayer, i told Him "You are my King. I am your servant. What pleases my King?"

His message: "I have tasked you to be steward of your Family, your parents. Take care, then, of them, of your company, your employees, your clients, your stakeholders. Of your Partner, of your friendships, of your students. You, I hold responsible."

Whoa. Tall Order. But in reply. "I shall do as my King pleases."

Friday, November 19, 2010

my eck-centricities 1

a series on weird stuff and habits of the cc life

that's a soap dish. that's a soap bar made from different, almost used up soap bars. i dont like throwing partially used up disposables. as much as possible, these are all thoroughly used up. its quite an effort to make them stick together like this. hahaha. but definitely so worth it. i love seeing the bar thoroughly disappear.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Thursdays with CC: Greener Pastures

So i see that you are moving to another company? oh, thinking about it. a competitor? hmmm.

i have never seriously considered moving to a competitor. i've been offered. one went as far as i allowed it to - talks with the country manager. i was curious what kind of offer they were going to make. i was testing my 'value'. but i eventually just turned away.

as you consider the move, im sure you have a lot of factors already weighing on you. allow me to add just two:

betting on the future - i think of it as an assessment of where the current company is in the competitive landscape and a prognosis of where it will be. it's like assessing which company will be more dominant, or even survive, in the future. and that's where you'll decide to place your bets. so beyond just assessing your career future, include the company's future within the industry.

psychic income - im not talking about spirits and phantoms. your financial income is probably first in mind when deciding on the move. but sometimes, you need to also look at the 'revenues' (benefits) your 'psyche' gets. you are pretty well aware of the current company culture. you have your office friends, your boss, the people you come in contact with, the office environment. you may like to know more about the environment you are getting into, if you could. at the very least, your immediate supervisor. it would be great to know the kind of set-up they have. nuances of their culture in the way they address each other, the layout of their cubicles, their bulletin board. by the way, with facebook, it is so easy to construct a 'view' of their life.

it may sound so trivial but so many people i know have regretted decisions because they felt that they couldn't hack the culture of their new company.

there many shades of green. it's just important that you know which shade of green you really have and what you will look forward to on the other side of the fence.

during the exit interview, id usually tell people who are about to leave the same thing: give us a good fight in the marketplace. make me proud. show them that your stay with us made you a better manager. a better person.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

the beauty of dusk

i was getting of the car, walking towards ELJCC Building of ABS CBN when i looked up at the building. it just amazed me how the colors made for such a beautiful scene (to my mind). this is just an iphone shot. but enough to capture what i saw.

actually, im no photographer. but there are just certain scenes that i would want to capture forever. i hope the lumix, with its portability and ease of use, will help me do just that.

Monday, November 15, 2010

SAHC: Courtship Rituals

I swear it was almost like a virus. It became sooo popular among the straight guys to have a gay classmate partner. They really treated us like girls they wanted to court. And for the life of me, i couldn't imagine that i'd actually experience being courted, wooed by straight guys.

i remember vito. he was a classmate in second year. he was quite plain looking but was sincere and sweet. he do stuff like carrying my things while chatting. i so wanted to have a bike then but alas, my dad couldnt get me one. vito was so sweet to lend me his bike for the entire summer. he biked from his house in mandaluyong to 'deliver' the bike. but before getting off, he reached from his backpocket a squooshed cheeseroll. hahaha. i can't forget how sweet that was. unfortunately, i had to tell him i wasn't into him.

then there was the captain ball of the basketball team, ric. he sent feelers through friends that he wanted to court me. haha. as gorgeous as he was, i just found him too kenkoy, too much of a comic, not to be taken seriously. once he sat beside me during a general assembly in the basketball grounds. he stole a kiss. i was so pissed off i left. stupid me.

one who really pursued was gardo. he was the class toughie. tall, gang leader type. not attractive but actually well liked and very generous. he pursued a friend first but he was bluntly busted. my friend was still having his crisis. hehe. so he started courting me. and it was with him i really, really felt special.

he asked me out on dates. we even went out on a double date with nandy and his boyfriend. we went to watch angela boffill in her concert here in manila! LOL. that was quite an experience for a high school fag like me! it felt so grown-up watching concerts, going out on dates.

during class he'd send me small love notes. and sometimes chocolates. the works. but i was still not into him. though we actually had lots of fun as one big group. but i just had to be honest. he ended up with another friend, ill call him vinnie, a few months after. and throughout high school, we all felt that vinnie was in denial. but i must say that vinnie made up for it by showing us their 'hand-holding' during the graduation ceremony! SAY!

i always felt that all the courting and dating was a sort of fluke. i never knew of high school gay relationships that were THAT rampant as ours. and it wasn't even as if i was even attractive to these straight guys. it was all just part of their growing up, of trying out courting skills with us before going for the real thing - the girls.

i didnt mind at all. id always look back with a smile at the thought that i know how it feels like to be a girl... (cue in Madonna...)

the Trevor Fabcast 3

eto pala ang ending...

Download this episode (right click and save)

Music credits:
"Getting Better" by The Beatles
"Everything's Gonna Be Alright" by Sweetbox


consulted with my therapist @mcvie :-) last night, over chocolate, coffee and coke zero.

he was so nice to offer some free time to chat, analyze, dissect cc at his emo moment. aside from the therapy session, i was eager to see him and just have a nice catch-up conversation, between two seahorses born weeks apart (pisces-horse zodiac signs).

why are you so bothered by comments from your readers? why dont you just zap those you don't agree with?

talking to @mcvie made me explore the answers in so many levels.

people-pleaser. perhaps partly an inborn trait. both my parents are very sociable. popular. and i was a natural, putting people at ease, being friendly and approachable. i liked seeing people smile and agree with me.

and also, it comes with being in marketing half of my life, a predisposition to think of the 'consumer', 'end-user'. a skill critical to my career.

affirmation-seeking. no surprise for a middle child. fighting for attention and affirmation with five siblings.

beyond that, the blog has become another source of affirmation with the raiders' comments as evidence. since day one of the blog, i looked forward to the comments, the contributions of the raiders eagerly. reinforced by positive comments, i become mindful of what raiders will comment, thinking that each and every raider is so precious because they even bothered to read and comment. i have then started to be bothered by nega comments, comments that may mean i have displeased the very few who have even taken time off to follow the blog.

that thinking also led me to aspire to be a better writer, aware that i dont even deserve the title 'writer'. i read with envy some of those well-written blogs, cited by others for their prose and poetry. a carry-over of my competitiveness, i also sought that recognition, even though at the back of my mind i knew it was a pipe dream.

all of these thoughts have led me to stray from the primary purpose of my blogging - to express my self, share my thoughts.

@mcvie knocked sense into my head. he reminded me of that blog soul (and the power of comments moderation). even as i truly appreciate raiders and their comments, i should not be held hostage by them. and though a public journal puts me in this predicament of receiving both positive and negative comments, i must be of a better disposition to appreciate either. yet not to be so affected either way as to change my style and my purpose.

ultimately, i write to record my thoughts and express myself, and to communicate sometimes even just to me. so even if i have just one raider, i would continue to churn out these entries, because i am already made a better person just by writing them.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Thursday, November 11, 2010

soul search

my shitty afternoon yesterday was exacerbated by a blog post that elicited some surprising reactions. a raider, just moments after posting, was turned off by the self-aggrandizement he perceived. i wanted to delete the damn post. instead, i made his comment a separate post altogether and justified my post. i received two comments: one was positive. the other was wholehearted agreement to the first comment. and this was happening while i was trying to de-stress from the work that had piled up in front of me. an impulse decision. i deleted both posts. i didnt want the additional negativity coming from blogging to add to my already stressed-out real life. then i regretted doing it, after reading a comment from another blogger and an email from a dear fellowfab.

sheesh. what is it with me? when did blogging turn out to be so stressful? arrggh. why did i become so wishy-washy? on one hand, this blog, this personal blog was supposed to be my outlet, my expression of "me". and it shouldnt be wrong or right. it could only be agreeable or not to a raider. yet on the other hand, im able to sustain this blog because of raiders, because of people who generally agree and like the blog. so their comments matter. on top of that, i am such a people-pleaser. im all harmony and nice stuff. negativity? i have much of that in the workplace. dont need more of that here.

im back to asking, why do i blog in the first place? or even deeper, what is the essence of this blog? its soul?

with so many things going on in my life right now, i cant see to process. i dont have answers.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

The Trevor Fabcast 2

the conclusion. the feel-good, all-is-well conclusion.
there is hope. there is always hope.
it gets better.

Download this Fabcast (right click and save)

Music credits:
"Stronger" by Britney Speans
"Wonderful Life" by Hurts

Sunday, November 7, 2010

gimme your porn

well, im not exactly asking for porn itself. hehe

i havent been much of a porn watcher lately. kinda lost interest. but im just suddenly curious, what are the best gay porn movies for you, raiders? id like to know what ive been missing out on.

top three gay porn movies/videos and why you like them...

come on. tell me.

i want. i have. :-)

pc is such a gadget geek. he helped me, cajoled me, persuaded me to get the Panasonic Lumix LX5, the latest incarnation of the famer LX3. the last time i bought a camera was 6yrs ago. my Canon Powershot G3 served me so well. it was my trusted companion to europe, asia, u.s. but it was quite bulky and cumbersome to log around.

it's up for sale. ive tried to post it at, again, thanks to pc's wisdom. though i have not checked on any comments on the post.

and through, i found vendors of the brand new lumix lx5. i have to admit i was quite apprehensive about transacting with only a mobile no. pc helped me filter through the vendors using warranty offers, disclosure arrangements as filters.

he chose for me this one vendor. and i barraged her/him with messages asking about prices, accessories, etc. then we finally agreed on a meet-up time and place.

it felt like a grindr hook up. lol. "ako po yung nasa may wall na naka blue". and when i saw him, hmm, he was actually a very cute young chinese guy! even pc says so. so it was a pleasant transaction, all thanks to welcome to the digital marketplace!

i wont speak with finality. i have yet to finish my 7-day full replacement warranty. but so far, the camera is working perfectly, with all the camwhoring we've been doing.

and ending on a great note, a site voted the lumix lx5camera of the year!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Oh Christmas Tree

after a very long time, im celebrating christmas THIS early. im feeling it so much. the decor is finally done! the theme is silver & glass. simple, really. i got those great glass icicles from sm our home. and just wrap-around of a string of silver pearls. the dinner table setting is a vase filled with different-sized silver christmas balls. and on the coffee table is an aluminum plate with different-sized white candles, with silver pearls all around. the roof deck is decked with icicle curtain lights all around.

it's christmas in my home.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Friday, November 5, 2010

The Trevor Fabcast 1

i virtually insisted on doing this fabcast. hehe. i've been watching the viral phenomenon of the Trevor Project online. (which i hope you guys are aware of. if you are not, id like to know which rock you've been hiding under. hehe) and it resonated. you'll find out why if you listen.

Download this Fabcast (right click and save)

music credits:

"Hey Jay" Eraserheads

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

speaking of underwear

finally found CK's i like. my peculiar, un-model body proportions dictate specific undies requirements: low rise (short torso), snug crotch fit (... never mind). CK used to always have those briefs with 'generous allowances' in the crotch area. so generous for me. lol. and their hip briefs always seemed to fit like regular-rise briefs. so the price could never justify the value for me. until now.

perfect. "athletic fit" in the crotch area. low rise at the right height. brings out my butt (or what is left of it. lol). it's nylon-based (not cotton) so it might not work for a lot of other guys.

but i love it.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

omg, a nomination

I would like to thank the Academy... (sniff, sniff)... for this... oh my God... this nomination. I mean... just to be nominated... to be among this prestigious list of ... oh my... (tears) ... thank you, thank you! i feel like i've won...

i received an email supposedly from the Phil Blog Awards last Oct 20. unfortunately, i just saw it yesterday because yahoo mail filed it under 'spam'. i was tickled pink (quoting @mcvie) with the nomination. and i had to respond, either accepting or rejecting the nomination. i hesitated accepting it. how can i remain anonymous if i needed to declare in that form contact details (as in real name?)? i consulted @mcvie. he told me theoretically, i could remain anonymous by using a monicker instead. and sending a proxy to receive the award (receive the award!?!? wishful thinking!) and upon consulting PC about it, i decided to accept the nomination, using a pseudonym.

i waited for a confirmation email. im still waiting.

now im realizing that it might have been a hoax. LOL. it was fun while it lasted. truly incredulous, the more i think about it. i love my blog but i know what it aint. there are just too many great well-written blogs out there. more deserving.

i feel like a winner just knowing you guys read the blog!

(applause! applause! *bows*)

Monday, November 1, 2010

the Godfather

i never watched this before. intimidated that it might be too... masculine? i remember tom hanks forever quoting don corleone in one of his movies (was it you've got mail?) that sort of reinforced my idea that this is a man's movie.

but nevertheless, i dont think i should go through life not watching it. and when i saw the blu ray 'coppola restoration' compilation, well, it seemed like a very good deal.

after watching Godfather I, wow, i realized what a powerful movie it was. i could understand the testosterone attraction. it is about power, pure and simple. i am amazed at michael corleone's (al pacino) transformation. so real. so tangible. and truly, marlon brando's range of emotions trapped within his don facade deserved that oscar. i can understand how these people become alpha male role models for men.

and beyond that, al pacino is simply gorgeous here. without having to take his shirt off.

the blu ray copy is masterfully done. the audio is even high definition.

bravo. looking forward to II and III.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

excellent customer service

he was already smiling when i walked inside the shop, a branch of a local apparel chain. I was just looking for a singlet or tank top for work out. he approached me. and i asked him whether they had one.

"sir, puro shirts lang dito. may collar o wala. ang uso ngayon yun mga v-neck."

couldnt help but notice the nice face and lean body. and what seemed like a very friendly demeanor. hmmm. i chatted with him some more.

"sando, sir, pang-workout siguro, no?"
"yup. pang gym"
"mukha ngang nag-gym kayo. ako rin dati kaso natigil nung pumasok ako dito"
"ah talaga? sayang naman. san ka nag-gym"
"sa may amin, sa bocaue"
"malayo rin pala inuuwian mo."
"sayang nga. may chest na ako nun at wala akong tiyan" (points to his chest and his stomach"
"kaso ang bilis nawala. sayang. puro kain kasi. haha"
"bata ka pa naman. madali mong matutunaw yan"
"sana nga. balak kong bumalik next month. may chest na ako nun" (now puts his hand on his chest. why is my mouth turning dry?)
"ganda na nga sana ng abs ko" (raises his shirt and shows me a nice torso, with enough hair rising from his jeans. i dont display my shock and amazement.)
"oh, eh ok pa naman"
"mas maganda nun sir."

suddenly, the a/c in the outlet seemed to be failing. I was starting to perspire.

"sige salamat. hanap na lang ako sa iba"
"sige sir. "
then i left the shop. it was getting too uncomfortable.

all i could say was... hooray for excellent customer service!

and this is not the first time this has happened.

Friday, October 29, 2010

SAHC: A Requiem for the Walkman

I think this started my gadget fascination. I was in 3rd yr high school when the Walkman was launched locally methinks. Gerry was one of the first to have one. I was drooling over it. He had a model newer than the one on the pic. I was amazed at how stereophonic actually sounds. when i wore those headphones, i was immersed totally in music. and back then, that included listening to new wave and xanadu.

and as much as i craved for it, it wasnt until a year after when i got mine. and i got this model, a bigger version but still portable. i loved it. beyond buying cassettes, i started combining songs by recording from vinyl, in effect, the precursor of the playlist. eventually, that became full of Madonna remixes.

now i read that sony has discontinued production. my first reaction: didnt they do that years ago with the advent of CD? i guess not as they officially close production of the Walkman just this oct.

my walkman gave me so many good memories. of sleeping late at night with the volume at 10. of passing time without getting bored, inside a bus or waiting for someone. of isolating myself and indulging in emo music, shedding tears looking at a rainy sky.

i do all that now, with the ipod and all its incarnations. so much that i have taken it for granted. that just so many years back, i didnt have that luxury.

i am reminded of the feeling, of the joy. goodbye, Walkman.

Sony ceases production of Walkman
THE ASSOCIATED PRESS • October 25, 2010

NEW YORK — The Walkman, the Sony cassette device that forever changed music listening before becoming outdated by digital MP3 players and iPods, has died. It was 31 years old.

Sony announced Monday that it has ceased production of the classic, cassette tape Walkman in Japan, effectively sounding the death knell of the once iconic, now obsolete device.

The Walkman is survived by the Discman (still clinging to life) and ironic music listeners who think using a Walkman in this day-and-age is charmingly out-of-touch.

It will continue to be produced in China and distributed in the U.S., Europe and some Asian countries. Digital Walkmans are also being made with models that display lyrics and have improved digital noise-canceling technology.

Still, if you're looking to chisel a date in the Walkman's tombstone, then Oct. 25, 2010, is as good as any. For many, that it's taken this long is surprising: "They were still making those?" Perhaps Oct. 23, 2001, the day the iPod was launched, is the better date of expiration.

But none of the success of Apple's portable music players would have ever happened without the cassette Walkman. Some 220 million have been sold since the first model, the TPS-L2, debuted in July 1979. (It retailed for $200.) At the time, transistor radios were portable, but there was nothing widely available like the Walkman.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010


when id see the hot bods in the gym, im torn between lust and envy. lust wins out if the guy is also dropdead handsome. i see some in ff fort. but more often, i end up envious of guys with average looks but with great bodies.

i always thought it would just be sexual desire that would be aroused in me in the presence of such heavenly bodies. but my own quest for that hot body has stirred up that green monster in me.

so im reduced to looking at what i have so far. sometimes getting disheartened. but not about to give up either. envy will push me to never give up. and will keep me from committing indiscretions!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Wanted: Perfect Christmas Tree

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas. Everywhere I go.

And it's just October, given that it is the last week. At my parent's unit, we already put up the Christmas Tree, the belen, the lights.

Yesterday, pc and i were shopping for the perfect Christmas tree. Sadly, SM Our Home had that perfect tree last year. I even took a pic of it because when I wanted to buy it, it wasn't available anymore! And I don't like the new designs. Sigh. I have no idea where to find more trees.

So if you happen to know of a place where i can get an 8ft tall slim Christmas tree with big pine needles in Manila... please, inform me.

Wanted, badly :-)

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

nutrition counselling, first day

in my quest for the Holy Grail of vain men - the six-pack abs - i have tried fit for life, south beach diets. both actually worked for me. SBD was able to trim me down quite substantially from where i was before.

now, im trying something new, hoping to 'excite' my system into a new level of calorie-burning. i consulted with my ff trainor and he referred me to their nutrition counselor. 'what the heck', i thought to myself, i might as well try to hear what she has to say.

the initial consultation was quite fine. she asked me to recall what i ate the past 24 hours. then as i listed that, she asked me what my goals were, what diets i have tried. and of course, as i mentioned SBD, i could see her mildly shaking her head. i was about to be defensive and just dismiss this consultation. but i reminded myself i really have nothing to lose (save for a few thousand bucks) if i actually went along with it.

to her credit, she explained in very layman terms how the body needs the different food groups and her strategies for losing fat. though i wasnt as convinced, i might as well put my mind where my money is and just follow her to the letter.

she eventually gave me goals to pursue for the next 18 weeks. and gave me a preliminary computation of the calories of my previous 24 hour food intake. my total caloric intake was ideal at 1,500+ for that period. she wanted me to maintain that to achieve my goals. but she told me that the food group composition was all wrong (because i was still so SBD, meaning no carbs at all)

i signed up and scheduled our first meeting the other friday. henceforth, i will be consulting with her every friday.

on our first meeting, she weighed me as my "before" status. she noted my body fat, my BMI, etc. etc. then she gave me her recomm diet plan for the day. nothing really new. frequent meals at the desired caloric levels. distributing the food groups quite evenly for the different meals. emphasizing the need to bring carb back but under much control.

her goal is to get me to internalize the proper food servings per meal, the right portion sizes without having to compute for calories. that would be her job. so essential to this is the food journal. everything i eat i must write down. everything. i decided to use the 'notes' app of the iphone/ipad instead. and by the end of the week (thursday), i will be emailing her the journal entries.

i started religiously taking note of my intake. even taking pictures of my meals if i wasnt sure id remember them. and i became really conscious of portion sizes, especially for protein. i realized how i've been overeating protein sources, contributing to my current state of fatness.

so it seems like im off to a good start. im taking all of this seriously. only way i could really know if it works.

ill update you on what happens next...

Monday, October 18, 2010

i found it amusing

i treated the family for dinner. that's basically mom and dad, my sis and my bro-in-law, my niece and her boyfriend and pc. first time for all of us to get together, since my sis and bro-in-law were just in manila for a week. it was funny seeing how the family, all of us, were now speaking quite fluently in English, primarily because my niece, her bf and pc are all very comfortable speaking in that language.

though i must say that all of us in the family have a very good command of English, when we are left to ourselves, we still feel most comfortable speaking in Filipino, well with a spattering of English words here and there. typically Pinoy, typically Taglish. But my niece grew up in Dubai and she pretty much failed to really learn to speak Filipino. And both her bf and pc grew up in families where the conversations were pre-dominantly English (aside from some time pc spent in the u.s. growing up).

so i was really amused at how the family conversation suddenly took on an English turn! i whispered to my sister that this was our way of trying to improve the breed! LOL

then we had dessert. and during that time, the age gap became apparent. (additional info. my niece is 21, her boyfriend is 23. pc is 24. ) at one end was pc discussing animatedly with my niece and her bf about books including harry potter, and wii and games and even philosophy. and of course, our side of the conversation was more about family, about work, about the other siblings. and all three of them left to buy some ice cream at the korean grocery nearby!

my dad kidded me then as they were walking away. 'you cradle-snatcher!' 'look, tatay, i didnt take him from the crib. he willingly crawled out! besides, look at how different our conversations became with our new imports!'

no wonder the term now is 'blended family'! LOL

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Turning Back

i have known her as a colleague in the church ministry. she is bright and perky. and she was very dedicated to the service. eventually, she became busy with her career. and we saw her less and less.

she fell in love with a former classmate, now a lawyer. and she was genuinely happy. soon i was informed of their coming wedding ceremony.

last week i found out she converted to christianity. i saw her baptism on fb. i was shocked. i couldnt imagine that this same girl, with her fervor and zeal then for the Catholic Church, was the same one being immersed in a pool for Jesus as a non-Catholic.

i dont know yet her reasons. i cant begin to imagine what reason would make her do what she did.

pc told me i probably expected much from her. and this was a letdown.

i am affected. and if i look inside, its not about her. its about me. im trying to find out why i feel betrayed.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Friday, October 8, 2010

Thursdays with cc: Decisiveness

... is not stubbornness. im saying this based on my limited take of what PNoy has been doing as of late. He has been repeatedly accused of being wishy-washy. He blurtd out one thing one day and seems to have a change of heart the next. Then he'll stand firm supposedly on what he did say the first time.

Decisiveness is a very critical skill of a manager. You will need to make a decision among so many alternatives. You will use your logic and priorities to filter out bad options and be left with a few. And that final list would even be harder to decide on. Yet decide you must. And sometimes, you will only have minutes, sometimes, just seconds to make a decision. And even as you desire more information to make a choice, you will not have access to such. So you will need to make do with what is available and make that decision.

You will need to develop the wisdom to discern when that decision needs to be done now, or if you could buy more time. Your people will look up to you
for taking the bull by the horns when they see your firm resolve.

now let me contrast that with stubbornness. resolute firmness against better judgment. obstinacy inspite of evidence to the contrary. PNoy insisting that certain characters remain in their position despite contrary opinion. despite political capital being wasted. i have this feeling that he is being muleheaded to show that he is decisive. that he is no push-over. sorry. two different things. being stubborn is not decisiveness. it is simply misplaced focus.

discern the difference.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Thursday, October 7, 2010

week ending soon

this week seemed like it had 20 days instead of just seven. work has been stressful lately. the big kind of stress. not just deadlines. not just meetings. big audacious stress. strategic stress. bug bucks kind of stress.

with friday looming over the horizon, i can safely say that i have survived it. sanity put to the test a couple of times.

im winding down. a reflective mood now. out on my roof deck. a slight. breeze cools me but not enough to drive blood thirsty insects away. (egad, i hope its not the dengue vector kind)

if tomorrow brings the period to the sentence called cc, i would leave with a smile. morbid thought i know. its just that im realizing how blessed ive been. that i have 'sucked the very marrow of life dry'. it would with end with having provided as much as i could for my parents. i have seen the company rise to the top. ive enjoyed the laughter and company of true friends. i have allowed myself to enjoy what the world has to offer, with the sights i have seen, the experiences i have had. i have loved true. and i have finally found the love that i would bring with me to eternity.

at this point, this one little point in time, everything is in balance. there is so much gratitude. so much love. so much peace.

im looking at the horizon. from my vantage point, i see the crucifix that adorns the facade of the parish.

and though my ears are listening to the pluckings of piano strings, i hear Him telling me that all will be well.

'Trust me.'

i think he is telling you the same thing, too.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

belated teacher's day

a few days ago, it was teacher's day. quite timely, i received this morning an email from the dean congratulating me for achieving 5th in ranking in the school's faculty evaluation survey last semester.

im elated and humbled. i enjoy extremely what im doing, never mind the stress of preparing the lesson plan, the research, grading the exams, etc. etc. etc. it's really just an elective, but still, it is most gratifying to receive this feedback.

it lifted my spirits. it affirmed my retirement career choice.

to my students, thank you.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

skin on skin

im amazed at the explosion of personal care lines for men! so many brands are now competing for the looks-conscious male. nivea, gatsby, l'oreal, dove, master, splash, even watson's house brand! in the u.s. dove men+care is one of the fastest growing line of unilever.

i never liked dove. the moisturizing ingredient adds this oily layer on my skin. i feel 'unclean' when i bathe using dove because i dont like that greasy feel. after rinsing off the soap, i want to feel the dry traction of skin on skin. that makes me feel cleeeeean.

but i bought this new dove soap. im thinking it wouldnt have that anymore. and it was lightly masculinely scented. unfortunately, it still does, even if this variant had grains for scrubbing.

not like.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

irritable lately

a lot of things just get into my nerves so easily lately. disorder. stupidity. incompetence.

is it me or did all of the people around me just started deteriorating?

im ranting. sorry. it just seemed that people are conniving to ruin my day.

its sad that i let myself be affected.

yes, im allowing other people to determine my moods.

sigh. i feel like a puppet.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Sunday, October 3, 2010

mom me

i didnt think i could ever do it. even when i was way younger. id max out at twice in a night. best ever would be an hour rest in between. and was few and far between. a few times with some really hot dates. and a few more with my lovers.

now i discover that i am capable of multis. seriously, without the benefit of science and technology! in a span of three hours, i had four as my record. on consecutive days. my d*ck amazes me. pc amazes me. both of them, together, amaze me!

yes, this is a bragpost. dude, im a midlifer. im supposed to be seeing desire and capacity decline in that area. so im bragging about it while it still happens... because it is even happening!

im trying to determine some lessons here. for starters, i dont jerk off and would rather 'save it up' for the time pc and i to meet. right after an orgasm, i do feel that 'soreness', that 'pluheeese dont touch it muna'. the refractory period. but after a few minutes, soreness goes away and my d*ck is 'receptive' to touch again. but your partner needs to be patient. don't expect instant erections upon caress. may be if i was younger. sometimes, we ourselves become impatient. if, after a few strokes, our d*cks remain limp, we give up. we shouldn't. we should just enjoy the touch. and not even force another erection. it would happen naturally.

so there. multiple orgasms can happen. even to me. ill just enjoy this while it still happens.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Friday, October 1, 2010

while having a massage

therapist: boss, kaibigan mo pala yun.
cc: sino?
yung kausap mo sa lobby
ah ... oo bakit?
silahis ba yun?
(lol) ewan ko! bakit mo naman natanong?
kasi boss, sa trabaho ko, may radar na ako sa mga bading. alam ko na kung sino ang ganun.
talaga? bilib naman ako sa iyo! (my eyebrow raised)
oo. halata ko siya. may naamoy ako. nung umpisa di pa halata. pero ngayon, parang bumibigay na.
(lol) ganun ba? di na ba maitago?
(laughs, too) oo boss! at marunong ako dumiskarte sa bading.
huh? anong diskarte ba ang kailangan?
kasi, iba-iba yan. may maselan. mayroon gusto hard. mayroon naman di talaga umaamin. di nagpapahalata.
(both my eyebrows are raised)
ah ok. ganun pala.
tulog ka muna boss. para ma relax ka.

he does give good massage.
it is a legit spa. absolutely no happy endings.
and even if there were, i wouldnt ask it from him.
because he is unattractive.
im just wondering.
is he trying to tell me something?

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

man-crush: becoming prince charming

ever since i was a baby girl i had a dream
cinderella theme crazy as it seems
always knew that deep inside that there would come a day
when i would have to wait, make so many mistakes

my feelings for him were welling up inside me. i knew i had to tell him soon. i wanted a perfectly romantic scene. i was going to propose under moonlight.

and i was prepared to hear all sorts of answers. including 'im not ready yet' 'im still working on something...' i knew that if i had to wait and work for it, i would. he is simply that special.

we were on the bed again. watching another movie that would soon be ignored as we lip-locked passionately.

our hands started to explore much farther than before. the intensity was just overwhelming.

but he still had some presence of mind. and before getting undressed, he looked at me and asked "is this what you want?"

i looked at him and saw my future.

"yes, i want this. but i want you, too. i love you"

he looked at me, looked straight into my eyes for what seemed an eternity.

"i love you, too"

finally now my destiny can begin

i play that scene over and over again. and i realize that i have finally fallen in love again. I have finally committed again.

for the final time.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

friars' bloodline

i just found out that coursing through my veins is blood from Spanish friars. my parents, my niece and i were having usual after-dinner conversation. we turned to the topic about Philippine history, particularly during the Spanish occupation. And as we discussed the 'atrocities' committed to the Filipinos by the colonizers, my mom casually mentioned that her father's grandmother was the daughter of a Spanish friar. Then my dad mentioned that his mother's grandmother was also the daughter of a friar!

and they both remarked that many relatives actually still looked very castillan, with high-bridged noses and fair skin. (i lost out on the fair skin) im amazed that im a by-product of clergy abuse, from both sides.

and were it not for their uncontrollable testosterone, which i still find deplorable, i wouldnt be around.

and that brings me to another story. did i ever tell you about this priest i knew before? ill call him paul. he is a Catholic priest i met in one of the parties of our barkada, gay parties. although he was dressed casually, he was introduced as Fr Paul to us. and he was part of a group of goodlooking PLU's. so we all had one eyebrow raised. but he was handsome. and charming. forgive us for our lustful thoughts.

i wanted a personal spiritual director and father confessor who understood me and my predicament. so i sought him out and asked him to be my confessor. we went out, i treated him to dinner and after that, he heard my confession.

he became scarce after that, though. primarily because he was being transferred from one diocese to the other. then we lost touch.

about a year after, we bumped into each other at the gym (yes, the gym) and exchanged numbers. i was surprised to get a message from him that went something like this:

hey cc. sorry i have been hard to reach. ive been busy. but also because i chose to stay away. even from that first meeting, i knew i was going to fall for you. and it wasnt going to be right. so i decided to avoid seeing you. i guess i can't really be your spiritual director. but i will always treasure you as a friend.

i couldn't answer right away. i was almost in shock. flattered. confused. weird. i simply replied that i wish him well and thanked him for the honesty.

it made me think then. would i have agreed to a relationship with a "man of God"? my impulsive nature, my attraction for him might have made me rush in. but that would have damaged me and my faith. i guess God saved me from my self.

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Monday, September 27, 2010

it could have been me

im such a bad friend. i didnt even know that it was lobster's establishment that was raided, that was being twitted furiously by @jonasbagas. lobster managed to discuss with us the details of this "raid"

how they treated all the guests and staff like dirt, herded like animals into the van. how they just wanted money. plain and simple. from honest folks who just want to have a little fun. from a businessman who just wants to provide a venue. from the employees who just want to earn a living.

even as i listened to lobster tell his story, a thought was running in circles. that could have been me. i could have been one of the guests or even a lobster. i could have just felt a sudden urge and made a turn towards the bath house.

the realities of injustice seem so far away. from my comfortable life. from my happy existence. hearing a first-hand story slaps me back to thie reality of gay discrimination. again, an oft-repeated tale from jonas. he would tell me that we gays in the Phils are still a persecuted, discriminated lot. i would listen but not believe. it all seems so far.

well, its not so far. and it is real. and i dont know what i could do about it. i know i should. but i dont know what.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Thursday, September 23, 2010

childhood geek stuff

im out here on the roof deck admiring the full moon. i remember my childhood, my fascination with space, the universe, the planets. i so wanted to have a telescope so i could see those saturn rings, or even the moon's craters. though the constellations fascinated me, i could never figure out how they could connect arbitrary dots in the sky and agree among themselves that the dots look like fish, or a reclining goddess, etc.

planetarium visits organized by the school was such a highlight! i love the way you felt that you were really under a night time sky. and they outlined the planets, the constellations, the galaxies. i remember seing the effect of the aurora borealis and wishing that one day, i could see that in alaska. or the artic.

another preoccupation was dinosaurs. i love getting to know the names, the characteristics. and i would always try to imagine their proportions and how gigantic they must have been. the diplodocus, triceratops, the brontosaurus, the pterodactyls, and of course, tyranosaurus rex. my dream then was simply to go visit a museum and actually see the skeletal structure.

my pc is into astronomy, his father has a keen interest in it. they have a sizeable telescope at home. one of his first gifts to me was a picture of a half moon he took, connecting his dslr to the telescope. it was so romantic of him to do that.

with his guidance, i downloaded 'pocket universe' in my ipad. and im now enjoying real time sky viewing with its help. its amazing! the drawback, skies in manila are just so unclear so only the brightest of stars and planets reach my naked eye.

i hope to rediscover this astronomy fascination by investing in a good telescope someday. reminds me of a quotation: you are never too old to have a second childhood.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Thursdays with CC: preparation

you can never be over-prepared. i believe that. there are just too many variables to monitor and to account for. you should always feel that need, nay that compulsion, to prepare adequately for that report, that presentation, that meeting, that class.

sometimes, i note, with much disappointment, quite a number of people who go to meetings, and even their own presentations, unprepared. they dont have their reference materials with them. they didnt read the agenda ahead of time, they didnt do their homework. the worse is the way they try to pull it off, to wing it because of some ability to talk in the English language.

these people i cut down to size. i feel i am wasting my time if you didnt even bother to prepare adequately. and those moments, i could just be vicious.

by all means, prepare, prepare and prepare. you will never know where the client, the boss, the principal will be coming from when those questions start coming. and if after all that preparation, you still dont have the answers, or were still left dumbfounded, be comforted by the idea that your efforts to prepare will reap rewards soon. you will learn from the experience and read your audiences better. and be able anticipate their questions and comments more accurately.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Wednesday, September 22, 2010


what a nice stat to see first thing in the morning! ive reached this level (this sounds like some kind of video game! dude, ibang level na ako!) of 200 raiders! wow! thanks so much, all you kind people!

every day, about 3 - 4x/day, i check my comments moderation site. seeing comments just lights up my day! i become especially thrilled with more than 3 comments at a time. simple notes, thoughts as comments as so welcome. of course, i love that you share lengthier views, even if sometimes painful (hehe). though i know the blog does not encourage it as much, since it is not so much a forum but a form of self expression.

then the pressure is on to come up with a post. yes, there are days when nothing seems to pop inside my head. as mcvie puts it "grasping at straws". i try hard to come out with something relevant, read-worthy and/or thought-provoking. yet nothing comes to mind. and i feel i disappoint you. and you'll go away.

when there are topics that do light up, the challenge is how to put them on the blog. only because such sudden gusts of inspiration happen everywhere, in the car, at work, at church, in the shower. and just as suddenly, i forget them. signs of my age. sigh. ive started to put some of them down in a note but again, i cant capture a lot of them.

lastly, its the sin of omission - of not responding to your comments. im so sorry for that. priority is to read the comment, publish them. then go back to the life of cc. so i resort to reply-broadcast-to-all. just like this post. an attempt to continue communicatiing. a poor attempt. so please accept my apologies for this. i will try my darndest best.

so dear raiders, all 200 of you, and all others who may choose not to 'follow' me. and to all you anonymous ones... Thank You for continuing to take some time, some valuable time to open this li'l site and read/raid the closet. Sorry for not always responding to the comments. Sorry for some weird or stupid or emo-much posts. ill improve on these points. Or at least try. :-)

cc <3 raiders

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

passing thoughts

that last comment on my blog post made me turn red. more out of embarassment than anything else. and he is right for that is what he reads on this blog.

when i first started blogging, i was thinking of what novel experience or ideas i might contribute to this electronic world. and thinking like a marketeer, i was hoping to drive some eyeball traffic to the blog. i eventually settled on the idea of talking about my indiscretions. i was still in a relationship with my ex then. and i was gallivanting on the side. and aside from the obvious sexual pleasure i get, i was after bragging rights to some of those escapades and conquests.

i was blogging about past and present experiences, complete with an abstracted photo of my playmate. and as expected, traffic increased. eventually, i became paranoid that my ex would read the posts so i deleted them all. i saved them in some flash drive which i cannot find now.

then i became single. and all of a sudden, it was no longer a crime the things i did. so i indulged even more and used this venue as an archive of my sordid past, among other things.

i tried to communicate, however unsuccessfully, that though i was this horny bastard, i still had ideals. and those ideals i would still refer to, from time to time, reminders of a noble me. something i intended to return to.

i guess i will still be judged on the basis of all i've placed here, with more emphasis on the racy stories, on the infidelities. and i accept that now.

but one very beautiful characteristic of my prince charming is his ability to see me for who i can become, not who i was. he knows about the blog and perhaps reads it. but i never felt judged.

prince charming re-affirms the true, the good and the beautiful in cc. and i can only be grateful and aspirational.

yes, despite the past, someone out there believes i can be better in so many ways.

and i will. i am.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Monday, September 20, 2010

for keeps

wow ang saya-saya! happiness na may jowa ka na, teh! sana tumagal naman yan!

hey cc, im happy for you. how long do you think this will last?

sincere responses to my new relationship. though i admit to reacting internally with a raised eyebrow, i hold my tongue.

im playing for keeps. i didnt wait for two and a half years and dated so many guys only to play around again.

this is it for me.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Saturday, September 18, 2010

man-crush: restraint

the next few dates were just heavenly. with uncertainties gone, we were now more comfortable talking about our selves, our interests, looking for more common ground to establish a future.

i was also keeping my hands to myself. i didnt want to appear too aggressive and jump at the opportunity to make out. i bumped into mcvie one time, on one of our dates. he asked whether something has happened. i told him nothing yet. not even a kiss. in true mcvie fashion, he exclaims "impostor! you have snatched cc's body! bring him back! hahaha" i guess it is totally uncharacteristic of cc!

one time, i invited him to watch a dvd at home. though we were going to watch in my bedroom, i still managed to restrain myself from even touching him. we just sat beside each other on the bed intently watching the movie.

the movie "the stoning of soraya m" was actually a drama made heavy with its statement about the treatment of women in khomeini-iran. the stoning was particularly graphic and heart-wrenching. and with each rock thrown, he would try to look away from the tv, ending up burying his face on my shoulder.

as the movie was ending, i gingerly wrapped my arm around him. i just let him rest his head on my chest.

slowly our fingers interwined. my other hand was tenderly stroking his hair. it was a beautiful moment, just lying there.

then he raised his head and faced me. his lips found mine. the kisses turned from gentle and tender to intense and passionate.

i can never adequately describe that feeling. "rapture" seems too tame. but it went on and on. both of us just bursting with this all shared affection focused on our lips, our tongues, our embrace.

in between the kisses, we would look at each other. i would behold the beauty of his face, marvel at perfection - the nose, the lips, the eyes. i was looking at forever in his eyes.

neither of us pushed it further than that. eventually, we broke the embrace, after what seemed to be an eternity. and we came back to earth.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad