Sunday, September 30, 2012

roofdeck ramblings

It's been a while since I've been here on the deck. Well, it has been raining a lot. And I have just been too busy, running after the numbers for this year and preparing for next year. Yes, that time of the year.

Some people think being on top as CEO life would be easier. No one to answer to. Well, corporations organized for the long term will always have someone to answer to. The CEO reports to the Board of Directors, the 'owners'. Even those 'owners' ultimately are answerable to government, to its consumers. It's the accountability cycle of life, I guess.

So it's never easy for the CEO. Imagine trying to wield control over a million factors, or at least a semblance of it, so you could deliver the numbers at the end. And yet all of that can seem so out of your grasp: government regulation, competition, suppliers and clients. And even those that should be under your direct control, your people, your assets, can sometimes just become as unwieldy.

A nice Sunday evening and I'm thinking of work. Sigh.

Well, I did have a good run. Pushed myself again to do 11km, five times around the UP academic oval. The weather was just peachy at 4pm when I started. I saw a few eye candy running around. One, in particular, had great shoulders. And he was running quite fast. Di ko mahabol! LOL

On another note, a sadder one, simply red was sideswiped last night along C5. This Honda Civic, a '96 model, I believe suddenly changed lanes and hit my rear fender. And this morning, I saw that there were gashes on my mags. Uggh. For a while there, I was hesitant to pull over because it might be one of those carnap MO's. But I had to check it. I was livid. And fortunately, the driver didn't speed away and followed my lead. As we parked by the curb, out comes this bagets, literally, at 21 years old. He was apologetic. And was totally clueless on what will happen next.

He whispered that it was he was trying to keep his girlfriend from stepping out of the car in the middle of the road. WTF??? "She has esteem issues." (I quote him verbatim). I didn't even want to hear the explanation. The worst part: he didn't bring his license!

PC immediately gave me the number of MMDA and I was able to call and ask for roadside assistance. Though I was assured that a cop was going to be dispatched, 45 minutes later there was still no cop!!

I held on to his car keys so he wouldn't run off. Meanwhile, girlfriend was inside the vehicle. And according to him, she was blaming herself for everything. Hay! Salot talaga ang mga bilat! Kidding!

Actually, he is quite cute, fair, lanky. And he had this endearing twang as he spoke. But I appeared macho, pare. Besides, he just hit my precious simply red! So no amount of cuteness will spare him my wrath.

No MMDA came an hour after. So we were forced to just exchange contact numbers. PC made sure he signed a document of liability and accountability. And so far, all numbers and addresses checked out. He is so lucky that he was able to escape penalty for driving without a license.

So after two years, my simply red is no longer blemish-free. Ugghhh! No matter how careful you are as a driver, you cannot control the other drivers on the road. Or the circumstances.

And my Catholic boy upbringing is now playing with my head. Was this some sort of signal from above? Or maybe I have been remiss with something and I am getting punished?

The incident has stimulated emo-ness once again. And despite the good run, and because of this Argentinian Merlot beside me, I am still in that emo mood. The beautiful full moon in the sky is looking down at me blankly. She stares at me. And I feel it is a gaze of judgement. A veil of clouds start to cover her eyes. And a sentence is not passed.

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Saturday, September 29, 2012

Carlito 22

Naunang dumating si Lucas sa kanilang bahay. Maayos pa rin naman ang dinatnan niya. Doon naman sila talaga magkasundo ni Carlito, sa pag-aayos ng bahay. Pumasok siya sa loob ng kwarto. Naamoy niya ang pamilyar na langhap ng kwarto, ang amoy ni Carlito. Ngunit bago siya malibang sa mga ala-ala, tinandaan niya ang pakay niya. At bumalik muli ang galit.

Tinignan niya muna ang cabinet niya, at tinabi ang mga damit na dadalhin niya sa Cebu pag-uwi. Hindi niya mahanap ang isang belt na gusto niyang suotin. Napunta siya sa mga gamit ni Carlito upang maghanap. Dun niya napansin na magulo rin pala ang mga gamit niya. Ang mga maruruming damit ay nakasalampak lang sa isang tabi, natatago lang ng isang twalyang mukhang gamit na. Hindi niya alam kung saan nanggaling, ngunit parang may kumakabog sa dibdib niya habang sinisiyasat niya ang mga gamit. Inangat niya ang twalya, basa pa. At sa pagkaka-angat, may nahulog na isang bagay. Isang bagay na mukhang pamilyar - pakete ng condom, may punit sa isang tabi. Nagamit na.

Umakyat ang dugo sa kanyang ulo. Nagbakasali siya at tinignan ang basurahan sa loob ng banyo. At dun niya nakita ang nagamit na condom. Napailalim siya ng galit at diri.

'Hindi lang pala ako ang may ginagawa. 'Tang ina' Naglaro ang kanyang utak. 'Sino kaya eto? Hada lang? O may kabit rin etong bwisit na 'to? May gana pa siyang manakot kay Pao at kay Emily!'

Pumunta siya sa kanyang aparador at kinuha ang maleta. Tinamabak ang mga damit, mga gamit na naiwan pa niya. Hinalungkat na rin niya ang iba pang gamit sa labas. Dadalhin niya ang kaya niya. Uuwi siya agad sa probinsiya. Hindi na niya hihintayin si Carlito.

Ngunit habang nag-eempake na siya, bigla na lang niyang narinig bumukas ang pinto sa baba.

"Babe? Luc? Nandiyan ka ba?" Narinig niya ang tinig ni Carlito.

"Nandito ako sa kwarto." Sinagot na niya.

Dali-daling pumasok si Carlito sa kwarto. Pumasok na nakangiti. "Babe! What a surprise!" Ngunit nung nakita niya ang maleta, ang mga gamit na nasa loob, bigla siyang natigilan at nawala ang ngiti.

"What's this, Luc? Kararating mo pa lang. What are you doing?" tanong ni Carlito habang nakatayo sa bungad.

"Fuck you, Carlito!"

"What? What are you so mad about?" Tumaas na rin ang tono ni Carlito.

"Shit you! Pucha, dito mo pa dinadala ang mga kinakantot mo!" sigaw ni Lucas.

"Tang-ina mo! Ano bang pinagsasabi mo?"

Biglang kinuha ni Lucas ang napunit na pakete ng condom.

"Gago! ETO! Mag-mamaangmaangan ka pa! TARANTADO KA!

Natahimik si Carlito. At nag-umpisang gumilid ang luha.

"Fuck you! Ikaw pa ang may ganang magalit! Pucha, masahista lang yan! EH IKAW! NAGMAMALINIS KA PA! EH KUNG SINU-SINO KAYANG KINALANTARIN MO SA CEBU!"

"OO! Alam kong alam mo! Kasi may topak ka talaga! Tinatawagan mo pa! Tinatakot mo pa! Kung di ba naman may sayad ka! Anong magagawa mo sa kanila? HA? Nandito ka sa Maynila! Gago ka talaga!"

"IKAW ANG GAGO! Ang kapal ng mukha mo talaga! Ako na nga ang niloko mo, ilang beses! KAHIT PUKE PINATULAN MO! Ikaw pa ang nagmamalaki!"

"TAMA KA! Ako ang nagmamalaki! Kasi SAWANG-SAWA NA AKO SA KAGAGUHAN MO!"

"AKO DAPAT ANG NAGSASABI NIYAN! Nang mabasa ko yung bwisit mong cellphone at yung messages nung putang baklang yun! WALA KANG KARAPATAN MAGSAWA!"

"WELL DE IKAW NA! IKAW NA ANG MAGSABING AYAW MO NA! SIGE IBIBIGAY KO NA SA IYO ANG HULING SALITA!"

Nag-umpisa ng umiyak si Carlito. "Fuck you, Lucas! Fuck you! "

"AYOKO NA SA IYO! TAPOS NA 'TO!" sigaw ni Lucas kay Carlito. At tinapos niya ang pag-eempake.

"Where are you going? LUC, WAG KANG AALIS DITO! DON'T YOU DARE WALK OUT ON ME!"

"Fuck you! May sayad ka talaga!" At binitbit na niya ang kanyang maleta.

"SABI KO, WAG KANG AALIS!" At bigla siyang sinungaban ni Carlito. "PAPATAYIN KITA! TANG-INA MO!"

Nahulog sa sahig si Lucas. At tinuloy ni Carlito ang pagsunggab sa kanya. Nahablot niya sa kwelyo ang T-shirt ni Lucas at napunit. Lumalayo sana si Lucas sa mga kamay ni Carlito. Ngunit natamaan pa rin siya ng isang suntok sa pisngi.

Nasangga ni Lucas ang sunod na pagsuntok. Ngunit dumiretso na sa leeg niya ang mga kamay ni Carlito upang sakalin siya. Dun pa lang siya napatingin sa mga mata ni Carlito. At dun pa lang siya nakakita ng mga matang na handang pumatay ng tao.

Inaawat niya sana si Carlito gamit ang kanyang kanang kamay. Sinasangga niya sa baba ang kanyang kamay. At bigla na lang kinagat ni Carlito ang hinlalaki ni Lucas.

"ARAY!" ang sigaw niya habang madiin na kinakagat ni Carlito ang daliri. Natulak niya si Carlito gamit lahat ng lakas niya. At natanggal na rin siya at humilata sa sahig. Susunggab pa sana si Carlito ngunit naramdaman ang panghihina. Napansin ni Lucas na hindi na makahinga si Carlito ng maayos. Inaatake na siya ng asthma.

Pero tuloy-tuloy ang iyak, ang hagulgol kahit hirap ng huminga.

"Fuck you, Luc. Fuck you." malalim na malalim na ang hininga niya.

"Nasaan ang inhaler mo?" tanong ni Lucas. "Saan nakalagay?" Nagpanic na siya dahil nakita niyang umiitim na ang labi ni Carlito.

Tinuro na lang ang drawer sa tabi ng kama. Madaling kinuha ni Lucas ang inhaler at binigay kay Carlito. Inalalayan niya ang paghigop ng pang-asthma na gamot. Tuloy-tuloy pa rin ang pagtulo ng luha.

"Wag mo akong iwan, Luc. Please. Mamatay ako."

Niyakap niya si Carlito habang humahagulgol. "Shhh. Hindi ako aalis. Wag ka ng umiyak. Shhhhh" Unti-unting tumahan ang pag-iyak ni Carlito. Pinatayo niya at dinala niya sa kama upang makahiga ng maayos.

"I'll get you water."

"Wag mo akong iwan, Babe."

"No, I won't. I'll just get water for you, okay?"

Pumunta siya sa kusina at napadaan sa malaking salamin sa harap ng dining table. Dun lang niya napansin ang punit niyang T-shirt. At ang nangigitm niyang daliri dahil sa pagkaka-kagat ni Carlito.

Kumuha siya ng tubig sa baso at bumalik sa kwarto. Pinaupo si Carlito upang mainom ng tama ang tubig. Hindi na siya umiiyak.

"Babe, masahista lang yun..."

"Wag ka ng magsalita. Magpahinga ka."

"Please, wag kang aalis."

"Hindi, hindi nga."

"Tanggalin mo na ang mga gamit mo, Babe."

"Yes, magpahinga ka muna. Dito lang ako."

Nahiga si Carlito at pumikit. Mukhang gumaang na ang paghinga. Ngunit naririnig pa rin niya ang tunog na parang may pusa sa loob ng baga niya.

Binantayan niya sa pagtulog si Carlito. At habang natutulog na, ibinalik niya ang gamit sa aparador.

Dun pa lang niya naramdaman ang sakit rin ng sarili niyang katawan. Tumabi siya kay Carlito at nahiga na rin.



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Friday, September 28, 2012

the A-Sexual Man

Curious creature, isn't he? PC and I were discussing this gym acquaintance of mine. Uber-cute, with the deepest dimples this side of Makati. LOL. He workouts regularly, and his lean frame with abs is the proof. A professional with a flourishing corporate career. He just stepped into the 40's, yet remains unmarried.

BADING! or is he? A million and one gays have attempted. I have yet to hear of anybody who has succeeded in getting this guy into bed. I have had the chance to talk with him before (and attempt flirtation). And he really struck me as just ... "unconcerned". A strict vegan of many, many years, he follows an almost Buddha-monk lifestyle (if you ignore the workout regimen). No TV, no loud music, no alcohol (gulp!). Just books, meditation, and occasional family bonding. He is not anti-social either. But he was never a party animal.

And honestly, my gaydar was not set off. Even if I wanted it to. And neither was PC's. He just seems asexual.

Is there such a creature?

Monday, September 17, 2012

Carlito 21

Tamang-tama ang timing, naisip ni Lucas. Pinapunta siya ng boss niya sa Manila para sa meeting. Pagkatapos ng meeting uuwi muna siya upang harapin si Carlito. Ilang araw na rin niyang kinikimkim ang galit sa kanya. Naghahanap siya ng tamang tiyempo. At sa wakas, dumating na din. At hindi niya sasabihan si Carlito ng kanyang pagdating.

"Hello kapatid!" pambungad niya kay Tere.

"Uy! Si Lucas na loka-loka!" ang tili ni Tere sa telepono!

"Shhh! ang lakas ng boses mo, bruha!" sabay hagikhik si Lucas.

"Naku! Ano ng nangyari sa iyo? Ang dami mong utang sa akin!"

"I know! Sus! Ang drama ng buhay ko. Wait, na-book mo na ba ang flight ko sa Manila?"

"Naman! Na email ko na yung ticket sa iyo."

"Great. Ipaalam mo naman ako kay Bossing. Pagkatapos ng meeting, mag-leave ako."

"Ganun? Sabagay parang wala ka pa ngang VL."

"Bisita ako kay Nanay. Nagtatampo na."

"Fine. Ipaalam kita. Pero magfile ka pa rin ng form agad."

"Yeah, yeah. Mga 3 days ang VL ko ha?"

"Ay, tawag ako ni Boss! Basta magkita tayo at ibulatlet mo ang kwento! Bye"

Dumiretso sa opisina si Lucas, mula sa airport. Wala pa ring kaalam-alam si Carlito na na narito na siya sa Manila. Inalala niya ang kanilang mga usapan nungmga nakaraang araw. Di na sila madalas mag-usap. Pa-text-text na lang. Sinasadyang huwag tumawag kung di naman importante. Dahil baka kung ano lang ang masabi niya sa galit. Ngunit napansin rin niyang kahit naman si Carlito ay hindi na rin gaanong tumatawag.

Matagal ang meeting. Buron sabon ang inabot nila mula kay Boss Von. Lahat kasi, tagilid sa performance. Lahat sablay. Mainit na ang ulo ng management. Kahit siya, dating star performer, ay napag-initan.

"You've lost two key people sa district mo, Luc. What's happening there?" Magpapaliwanag sana siya ngunit barado agad. Namumula na lamang siya sa isang tabi.

Ang laking ginhawa nung matapos rin ang meeting. Niyaya niya agad si Tere mag-dinner muna.

"Day, haggard ang itsura mo. Ganun ba kahirap ang benta sa Visayas?" eto ang concerned na tanong ni Tere.

"Sabay-sabay nangyayari. Mahina na ang benta. Nagkakaleche-leche pa ang buhay ko."

"Huh? Bakit?"

"Tere, nakabuntis ako."

Halos mabilaukan si Tere sa narinig niya. Nasamid at naubo at napainom ng Coke Zero. Hindi makapagsalita kaya tinuloy na ni Lucas ang kuwento sa nangyari sa kanila ni Emily.

"Sus ko! Napakahaliparot pala nung babaeng yun! Sigurado ka bang sa iyo yun?"

"I have to take her word for it. Di pa naman ako pwedeng magpa-DNA di ba? Ngunit di pa yun ang katapusan, kapatid." at isinalsay na ni Lucas naman ang pagtawag ni Carlito kay Emily.

"Oh my gulay! Nakakatakot pala yang jowa mo. Sabagay, sa mga kwento mo palang nun eh parang sobrang possessive niya."

"Di pa tapos, Tere."

"Ano? May iba pang kwento? Teka muna, lumipat tayo ng lugar.". Nagbayad sila at napadpad sa Starbucks.

"May isa pang character sa telenovela ko." At tinuloy na niya ang kuwento tungkol kay Paolo.

Natapos na rin ang kuwento hanggang sa pagtawag ni Carlito kay Paolo.

"Kapatid, di ko alam kung paano magreact sa kuwento mo. Sa loob ng maikling panahon ay nagawa mong guluhin ang buhay mo ng sobra-sobra."

"I know. Sabi ko sa iyo, sabay-sabay lahat."

"So hindi mo pa nasasabi kay Carlito na alam mo na ang pinaggagawa niya."

"Hindi. Well, kaya rin ako nagleave. Ngayon gabi ko i-confront siya. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang pahihinatnan ng pag-uusap namin."

"Kapatid, hindi pag-uusap yan. World War III yan."

"Malamang. Bahala na. Ayoko na, Tere."

"Anong ayaw mo na?"

"Etong gulong eto. I don't need this in my life right now. I have to be focused on work."

"Kapatid, huwag kang gagawa ng mga desisyon na pagsisisihan mo."

"Ewan ko. Bahala na."


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Sunday, September 16, 2012

Relationships & the FabCasters Part 4

In conclusion... Music credits: “My Love Life” by Morrissey “Super Bass” by Nicki Minaj feat. Ester Dean “Love Me For What I Am” The Carpenters “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Open Relationship: Is It For You?


Now that my 'portion' of the fabcast is out, I'd like to continue my musings on open relationships.  I have to admit that I'm not as quick to fully analyze my position on certain issues when asked on the spot.  I need time to mull over the issues, to play with these inside my head.
The 'marginal' status of gays in 'mainstream' society (read: hetero) has given us some freedom to define relationships in many permutations and combinations.  With no shackles imposed by any religion or state, some of us have gone beyond the exclusive, monogamous model that straights have always upheld (well, except for some polygamous religions).  And we have pursued that in all its plurality.
Non-exclusive relationships come in so many shapes and sizes, defined (usually) by the agreed terms of reference between partners:  There's the 'casual sex lang' mode: Both partners can engage in casual sex, usually confined to one-night stands.  "NSA" as it says in Grindr (No Strings Attached).  And this arrangement could require full disclosure and transparency or not.  Then there's the 'Threesome'.  Partners will only allow a third party to come into their sex life.  There's the 'Sex Plus'.  Partners can have sex with others, and have sex with them repeatedly.  (meaning: there are some 'strings' that are beginning to 'attach', emotional interest enough to want to have sex again).  And getting to more 'extreme' territory, there are relationships that will actually 'allow' other partners to have some form of relationship with third parties.  "Allow" is used here loosely.  Some arrangements just have partners 'turning a blind eye'.
Are non-exclusive relationships for everybody?  Of course not.  Even as Jason, in the fabcast, commented that gay relationships seem to be headed toward openness, as he listened to each of us narrate our stories.  At the heart of this question is the idea that gays are just naturally promiscuous, makakati.   We are the unrestrained expression of the biological male's genetic tendency for polygamy (basing it on evolutionary theory).  Hence, eventually that 'tendency' will express itself as a need to look for other partners, playmates, fuck buddies.
Are we really naturally makakati. or as Tony puts it, malalandi?  Obviously, there can be no generalizations.  I even look at this as a scale of sorts, with the almost-asexual, I-can-only-have-sex-with-the-man-I-lurve to the kahit-poste-papatulan.  The question is: where are you in this scale?  I have met gays from all points in the spectrum.  Without asking PC where he is in the scale, he talks about having no great propensity to engage in casual sex.  A hot guy, for him, just elicits attraction that doesn't have to go down to his loins.  Another attractive friend talks about being 'oblivious' to sexual cues all around.  Hence, he doesn't indulge in casual sex either.   I contrast those with my own experience, as narrated in this blog many times over.  I am so attuned to sexual cues all around.  A hot hunk sending me these cues will elicit this 'autonomic' adrenaline-related response: heart beating fast, mouth drying up.  All because of the excitement over the prospect of having casual sex.
So if you would like to know whether non-exclusive relationships are for you, I believe it starts with the awareness of where you are in that scale.  That self-awareness will serve as basis, but will not be the end-criterion either.  You have to layer your other belief systems on top of that.  Even as you recognize, perhaps, a tendency towards sexual promiscuity, but you also feel strongly about principles of exclusivity and monogamy, then you would still choose such for yourself.  And it consciously becomes a choice, your choice.  


Friday, September 14, 2012

Relationships & the FabCasters Part 3

Now it's my turn to undergo the scrutiny of the group. As usual, they 'pounce' on me again, on me and my colorful history. I never learn! LOL

All in the spirit of a good discussion. Or so I'd like to think. Sigh.



Music credits:
“Love Isn’t Easy” by Abba
“Father And Son” by Cat Stevens
“It’s Sad To Belong” by England Dan and John Ford Coley
“Mahirap Magmahal Ng Syota Ng Iba” by Apo Hiking Society


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Sunday, September 9, 2012

Relationships & the FabCasters Part 2




Music credits:
“Love Me For A Reason” by Boyzone
“Love Is For Singing” by the Apo Hiking Society
“Turn Up The Radio” by Madonna
“A Different Point Of View” by the Pet Shop Boys



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Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Relationships & the FabCasters

In our little circle of fabcasters and peanut gallery members, one would find a variety of relationship arrangements, a microcosm of gay subculture, perhaps. It was about time for us to finally discuss these arrangements more intimately. Music credits: “Out Of The Game” by Rufus Wainwright “Lovegame” by Lady Gaga “Left To My Own Devices” by Pet Shop Boys