They did it for love.

I have finally witnessed a sweet, moving commitment ceremony between two men. It was the first I have ever witnessed. Though I recall now that my partner was invited to one a few years back. He brought me to the event but we arrived during the reception. I had written about the proposal previously. Even then, we were already getting kilig over the prospect of the ceremony. Canmaker, one of the grooms and a high school classmate, made us swear to help him organize the event. And so we did. But for weeks after that, nothing was happening much.

Canmaker knew he wanted something simple yet memorable. And it would have to be at the beach resort they frequently visit for vacations. He made us, his high school group, take care of the ceremony and act as over-all organizers. Then he fanned out venue set and decor to his production designer friends, the food to his chef friend and finally all the other details to his partner’s friends. They had a very select group of witnesses to the event. We were about 30 in all. And half of us was involved in the event.

It was fun just putting things together. We had a couple of meetings to discuss concepts and align ideas. And lots of email exchanges. There was a slight setback when Canmaker, his fiancee and production friends, made an ocular visit a week before the event. He was dismayed to see the condition of the resort, which he would politely describe as “rustic”. So much work had to be done to make the areas beautiful for the photo ops! (Yes, that was always the concern!) So, he told us not to expect much by way of amenities and accommodations and just focus on helping them make something memorable.

No matter, we all thought. We were all fired up anyway. And so the production people arrived early, even two days before the event, to get the place in order. By the time we arrived at the resort a day before, the place had started to show much promise. It was cleaned up and painted. And when they started putting the touches, voila, the area just came to life!

The program at 3pm started with cocktails at the verandah overlooking the beach. The place had magically transformed into Santorini, replete with white arches and linen swags There was even a photowall for the obligatory poses. We played some lounge-y music as the guests started arriving, all in the prescribed white top. By 415pm, the couple joined the guests to socialize. We served wine, fruit juice and splendid pica-pica.




At 430pm, the couple did their french exit to change into the ceremony clothes. Cocktails and chitchat continued. Shortly after, the emcees requested the guests to go down to the beach area and form two lines. They grabbed handfuls of rose petals from a basket.

All were lined up as they waited for the couple to make their entrance. The first bars of their theme song played in the background (“Sana Nga Ay Ikaw Na” by The Company) as soon as the couple appeared at the top of the short flights of steps. Canmaker was already welling up as they went down the steps, with their 'kids", two shitzu's, and marched between the lines formed by the guests. As they passed, the guests threw the rose petals at them.

When they got to the top of the line, the ceremony officer was waiting for them. And we, the guests, enclosed them in a circle. The sun was rightly timed as sunset was due soon.

In front of all of us, Canmaker and his partner made their vows. They came up with their own touching scripts. And as each was reciting his lines, each was choking up with tears. And so were we.







From then, they got the rings, tied in a bow around their two dogs. They put the ring on each other’s hand. Then solemnly, they were pronounced partners. Then they kissed. I watched this with sun in my eye. Which was just as well because I was tearing up. It looked so right. It looked so real. Because it is right. And it is real. No matter if the Church or the Government says it is not so.

We all went nearer the shoreline to catch the glorious sunset and have our pictures with the couple taken with it. Everyone was just giddy and happy for the couple.




And as darkness approached, we gave everyone their paper lanterns to light. Those darn lanterns took forever to catch fire. The technique, I realized, is to light it up with a candle on one corner of that square 'puck'. Then as the flame grows, set the lantern down on the ground so the air heats up faster. And that allows you to hold the paper sides up. One by one, the lanterns ascended in the dark blue sky, with the sea below it. It was quite a sight! With the lanterns, we made wishes for the couple.







From there, we enjoyed the cocktails until dinner was ready. It was on the balcony of the hotel building. When we got there, everyone was just amazed at how the area transformed into a stylish, intimate reception with the most heavenly dishes served. Canmaker was just blown away. All their friends pulled through for them! Read how one of the guests experienced the event.





The merriment continued into the night. And everyone was just drunk with joy for the couple who were doing this for no other reason but love.

I look back at that event, two weeks after, and I am still in awe that it all transpired, exactly as Canmaker wanted it. But beyond that, it was an affirmation that something like this was possible. It gave me hope. But not just for me. But for every other beki out there who dreams of a time when one can be proud about professing gay love to the whole world, with or without the legal trimmings.

*photo credits: Pics 1-3 by the blogger. Pics 4-6 by various photographers who will remain unnamed. But they own the rights to the use of the photos.

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Wala lang (nothing, really)

I met up with raider-friend one Friday night. It was great catching up with him. It was a follow-up to an initial meeting that felt bitin (lacking somehow). We had more time to talk and chat this time. And one of the things I asked him was how his impression of ceecee changed, if it did at all, upon meeting me in person. He said that it did change.

He said that I looked 'normal'. LOL Upon further prodding, he mentioned that he was thinking I would look like a 'manyac' (maniac). That sent me laughing really loud.

Ano ba itsura ng manyac?

Anyway, that conversation turned out to be more of a psychiatric session for me than anything. I have to hand it to him for asking the right questions, for his probing skills. But at the same time, it also made me quite uncomfortable.

I bear my tarnished soul here in the blog. I introspect and analyze. And I post. The process has helped me sort some issues. Actually, sometimes, I introspect with the idea of posting it at the back of my mind. That maybe, what I discover about myself would resonate with raiders as they do their own introspection and self-discovery.

Yet, as he asks certain questions, as he interrogates, I squirmed in my seat. Because part of me is not just ready to confront issues right then and there. I don't think fast, not fast enough, anyway. So some questions just left me silent and ponderous.

In the end, he clarified that there was no judgment in the questions. Just clarifications that were needed. On hindsight, he clarified because I seem to be conflicting myself, I suppose. And I did feel that I wasn't judged. Unlike some other people who interrogate because they already know what they want to hear.

Recently, he begged indulgence for such a behavior. It was probably the alcohol talking. But no apologies needed actually. That conversation was cathartic.

Thank you, dear raider.

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Broken Men

One is tall and sexy. American-Oriental mix. A polyglot. Diver, environmentalist.

One is short but lean and atheltic. Filipino but often mistaken as Latino. Madison Avenue hotshot.

Two men. Mid-40's. Fulfilling careers. Financially independent and very comfortable. Despite their age, they remain very hot and attractive. They go to a bar and they would have no problem getting laid. And I have seen this happen.

I know them separately. I am more than acquaintances with each of them, maybe even friends. Except we don't keep in touch as often. But I treasure whatever 'friendship' we have, built through the years.

Lately, I chatted them up. One happened months ago. The other was more recent. But when I got down to thinking about the conversations, I realized a common, parallel thread.

Despite both of them being attractive men in the peak of their careers, they are both single and uncommitted. And they both refer to themselves as 'broken'. They cannot and would not stay in relationships, though they are never wanting of guys professing their love for them. They both feel that they are too broken to even be capable of anything remotely committal. They have littered their history with shattered hearts. Yet you could sense the loneliness. And they tell you that they feel incomplete. They want to relate to another human being in a deeper way.

I initiated conversations to probe the reason behind that 'brokenness'. Again, some similarities arose, with family playing a central role in how they have become. There is some bitterness, coated with longing, as they talk about it. I wish I had more time and the space, to be the friend they need.

Who would have thought that with all the 'blessings' of good looks, stable careers, these two men would be wanting of love and intimacy.

There is a third man. But unlike them, he is in a relationship. He has found what he has been looking for. But his partner caught him being a flirt quite a few times, especially while in different states of inebriation. Thankfully, his partner was understanding. The incorrigible flirt that he is stems from a broken, insecure soul, ever needing affirmation. And I despise myself for it.

Broken men who need fixing. But how?


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Joby and Will 7

The next few days were quite a challenge for both of them. Will remained icy cold even as Joby moved back in. Joby made it a point to be home early and to cook for him. Will would still remain unmoved, sometimes even going home late at night, with no explanations . Joby knew that was his way of getting back at him. And though it would upset it, he would not express it. He was just going to roll with the punches.

"I'm having some of boys over this Friday." Will casually mentioned.

"Ah yeah? Ok. What do you want me to prepare?"

"Just your Pasta Putanesca. They love that. I'll pick up some roasted chicken and dessert along the way."

"Who's coming?"

"Just three of them - George, Steve and Allan."

Joby recalled that George and Steve are Will's friends from college, and Allan is Steve's partner.

"Ok. Great." He was happy that there would be this dinner. It was a way of thawing the ice between them. This only meant that Will was starting to 'normalize' relations.


The dinner was turning out well. When George, Steve and Will get together, one could expect lots of animated discussions, and laughter. And the range of topics they cover was so broad. Allan was his usual quiet self, being a decade younger than the three. Though he would find it hard to relate to all topics, whenever he would be familiar with a subject, he would contribute. And Will has way of making him feel part of the group, by bringing him in the conversation.

That same facility worked in reverse, too. Will was still quite cold with Joby, and not even bothering to acknowledge the food, the preparations, or even during conversation. But he knew it was part of the healing process. So he just stayed in the background and made sure they were all comfortable, and the wine was free flowing.

Maybe wine was too free flowing. Joby was shocked when Will suddenly injected a new topic.

"What would you do if you caught your lover cheating?"

"As in 'caught in the act' kind of cheating?"

"Well, not necessarily with dick in mouth! But you caught them dating. Or having this sweet, cheesy chat."

"Oh my! Those cybersex things?"

"hahaha no, just maintaining an online and offline affair."

Joby started to feel very uncomfortable. He wanted to stand up and grab something, but everything they need was all there. He just sat there and listened.

Allan spoke first. "If I caught you having an affair.." looking straight at Steve's eye. "I cut your dick off!"

Uproarious laughter followed. "How harsh, Allan! Can't you just maim it a bit?" countered George.

Steve teased the boyfriend "Well you'll never catch me. I'm just too smart for that."

"That's what you think!" Will butt in and winked at Allan. "Nobody's ever THAT smart he can't be found out." And his eyes darted towards Joby. Joby felt his face turning red.

"Seriously, would you break up with him, Allan?" asked George.

"Wait, let me clarify. Is there solid evidence of cheating?" asked Allan.

Will answered quite calmly. "Is admission evidence enough?"

There was this loud reaction of all the guests saying "Oh my God."

George replied. "That's so stupid. I would never admit to anything. Even if I am caught with his dick up my ass!"

Joby wanted to jump in and defend himself. But he knew better. So he bit his lip and just kept quiet.

Steve countered. "I would appreciate the honesty. At least he stopped lying." Joby felt relieved that someone was on his side, without meaning to be.

Will asked "So you wouldn't break up with him? You'd just forgive and forget?"

"If I love him enough, of course."

"That's BS." Allan interjected.

"Whoa!' George reacted. "Why would that be bullshit?"

"I mean, look, the guy just cheated and lied. You will just accept it like that??"

Steve replied "What else would you do? By nature, we are still men, still polygamous. So the sooner you accept, the better it would be for you." Joby wanted to hug Steve.

"And that's the reason we continue to perpetuate the stereotype that we can't hold on to relationships. That we justify our promiscuity with 'being biologically male'!"

"OMG the idealism of youth!" remarked Steve.

Will quickly butt in, before the discussion goes to another direction. "So I take it, Allan, that you would break up with a cheating boyfriend."

"Breaking up would be letting him off easy! I'd cut his dick first." Allan proudly answered.

"How about you, George? What would you do if you caught your boyfriend cheating on you?"

"I haven't had a boyfriend in so long! (laughs) I wouldn't even complain anymore! Just give me a boyfriend!"

"Come on. Just consider the situation."

"Ok, fine. I'd get the facts first. I'd want to know how deep the affair has gotten. For all I know, it's just an extended one night stand."

Will asked "You mean there would be levels of cheating?"

"Well, yes. Now that you put it that way. I would distinguish a full-blown covert affair from a repeating sexual thing. And everything else in between. Because if my boyfriend tells me and assures me that it is just something casual, I'd probably ask him to just stop it. But a full-blown affair threatens my relationship. And that is what I can't live with. I might as well be the one to go."

"How about you?" George asked Will. Joby began squirming in his seat.

"I wouldn't have thought twice and just break up." Joby looked at Will dejectedly.

"I would be imagining the betrayal over and over again. And I wouldn't know how to trust again." Joby was wondering if Will was trying to tell him something at this point. Is it over?

"But then again, I would not be so quick anymore. If I had time to weigh things."

"Like what things?" asked Steve.

"Well, just like George, I guess. And I need to be re-assured again and again and again." Joby got it. Will was telling him something. And it would be up to him to make sure that Will is reassured again and again and again.

"How about you, Joby?" George suddenly turned around to face Joby. "You've been too quiet there."

He felt his face turn red. But he could always blame the wine for it. He cleared his throat "Uhmm, I believe everybody deserves a second chance. If he sincerely tells me that the affair is over, I would have to believe him. I would think that the relationship is worth saving."

"Really?" Will answered with a tone of sarcasm.

Joby could feel the sting of that remark, just like a million little arrows hitting his heart bullseye. "Yes. People make mistakes. We should be forgiving."

Allan butt in. "But how do you trust him again? How could you?"

Joby paused before answering. "I know it would be very very hard to earn trust back once broken. But I don't think it's impossible. And maybe, that's up to the person to make sure he could be worth that trust." He felt like he was being grilled.

"I don't know. Honesty. Trust. These are big things for me. Deal breakers." Allan opined.

Will countered. "Allan, I used to be like that, too. But maybe, reality would just force you to not be brash and to think things through. Maybe the relationship is worth saving."

Joby almost jumped up with that response. He wanted to hug and kiss Will for saying that. And luckily, a new topic emerged and that issue on infidelity was closed.

When the guests all left, Joby was clearing up the table, his heart a bit lighter now. Will entered the dining area, bringing some of the wine glasses left from the living room.

"You will have to work very hard to make me trust you again."

Joby stopped what he was doing and went up to Will. He looked straight into his eyes and just said

"Yes, Babe. I'll do whatever it takes. I can never take away the pain you felt. But I know I can convince you that I am worth keeping, Babe. What we have is worth it all. I was so stupid to have laid it on the line. But never again, Babe. Never again." He kissed Will on the lips. At first, Will's lips wouldn't part. But slowly, it opened again. And he felt the warm moistness of his tongue.

The passion well up inside of him, of them. And he knew, slowly, that everything would be getting back to normal. To routine.

And he loved it.

Milestone

WOW! I finally reached 400. Ang babaw, no? LOL  It's just that I never thought it would get to this point.  I have been at 300+ for the longest time.  And when it got to the 390+, I became excited.  And that was two years ago.  LOL But I am really grateful!  And to that 400th raider, you have a special treat from cc! :)

Joby and Will 6

He realized he only had two days worth of clothes. He took a leave to try to sneak in the unit in the morning, while Will would be at the office. He was not able to get much sleep, despite all the drinking the night before.

The images of Will and Benedict continued to haunt him. His memories, and all the feelings that came with them, were all jumbled up. He knew Ben was just a call away, just waiting for him. Yet he couldn't bring himself to make that decision. What was stopping him?

Wasn't this what he had been planning all along? Wasn't the plan to leave Will and go back to Manila and be with Ben? Benedict represented what was new and exciting in his life, something that contrasted with his life with Will. He was young, and still full of fun, even silliness. Oh, he could make Joby laugh. But he also knew that a life with an up and coming doctor would be a challenge. He would still need to study for the next few years. His career would just be starting, and with it the sense of security, including financial security. How would he manage? Or the irregular hours he would be keeping once he starts his hospital duty. The emergency calls in the middle of the night, or of a movie or dinner.

His youth and all the sexiness is one thing. Now he realized that these wouldn't be the foundation of relationship. There would be so much uncertainty in a future with Ben. And that contrasted again, sharply with the certainty that he had always had with Will.

Certainty, security and that sense of being home. Their home life has become routine, yes. And even boring. But curiously, that was what he loved about it. He loved the everyday-ness of life with Will, even if there were fights, and shouting matches. He loved that Will had always known what he wanted for them. And he made sure to achieve that. He was never selfish about anything. He was actually generous to a fault.

And now, had all that been just thrown to waste because of his stupid indiscretion? Has he just ruined what could be the perfect future? What was he thinking? How could he have been so stupid, so insensitive and so short-sighted?

Looking around the place just strengthened his resolve to fix his broken relationship with Will. He was going to win him back, no matter what. He was going to show him that he was still worth it. And that he is so full of remorse over the hurt, the pain, the infidelity.

He needed to plan how to do it. But it had to start with making one final call. To Ben.

He sent a message first. "Is it a good time to talk?"

In a few seconds, his phone was already ringing, with Ben on the other line.

"Hey. How have you been?"

"I'm ok. I'm back in the apartment."

"Oh. He took you back?"

"Ah no, not really. I sneaked back in. How's your school?"

"It's ok. Taking a break from reading."

"Ben, I need to tell you something."

"It's going to be that kind of call." Benedict replied slowly, sadly.

"Ben... I need to fix what I have with Will."

"Yeah, fix that and break up with me, right?"

Joby paused a bit, his own heart was breaking as he had to deliver the good bye line.

"Ben, you will always be special to me. I just don't think it will work out in the end, you know, the two of us."

He heard quiet sobbing on the other line. "That's so different from what we used to talk about. What changed?"

"I don't know, Ben. I never realized how deeply I would get into this with you. And that pain that I have caused Will." He also felt tears rolling down his eyes.

"You know, I didn't realize this was going to be the outcome. I thought with what happened..."

"I'm sorry, Ben. I really am."

"Me, too." Ben sniffs a bit. "Fuck. And exams are coming up."

"Oh shit, Ben. I'm sorry."

"I better hang up now." And Ben did. Just like that. He got out of Joby's life.

Joby could still feel the tears rolling. He hated goodbyes. He hated breaking up. He was never really good at it. He hated having to break Ben's heart. That young heart. He hated himself.

But he had made a choice. And as he looked around, he reminded himself of what needed to be done. He needed to win Will back.

He left the unit to go back to the hotel. He picked up his stuff and checked out. He was going to be back in the unit. And when Will comes home, he will be waiting for him.


Will arrived from work, a bit earlier than usual. He was still in zombie mode, just going through the motions. So he decided to forego working out that night. He was just in no mood. He was still so angry and so hurt.

The betrayal was the worst thing. He kept on replaying what he read. And imagining all sorts of rendezvous scenes behind his back. He started recalling the alleged business trips he took. Maybe they weren't business trips at all. They were really illicit encounters with this medical student.

Yeah, he had gathered as much. It was easy to find his social media profiles. He was able to piece together the profile of Benedict. He saw pictures. Yes, he was attractive, even hot. He had loads of bare-chested pictures, displaying the pecs and abs. Fuck. No wonder Joby fell all over the guy. He was a picture-perfect profile of a mistress. Young, sexy. Will just became more depressed as he compared his own aging body, his never-going-away flabby midsection.

He was pouring through the pictures, thinking he would see a picture of Joby and him together. The kid was careful. He never saw any picture. He covered his tracks.

Lies. All the lies. All the cover-ups. All the while, he was looking stupid. No, he WAS stupid for just believing all of it. He fell for each and every excuse. They must have been laughing themselves silly thinking they were getting away with it. He hated them. He hated Joby. He hated him for destroying their home. And their dreams. And all the memories they have built together.

And here he was again, in the unit they have called their home. And the memories will rush back in.

He opened the door to see white roses and petals artfully scattered on the floor, making some sort of path.

"Job? What are you doing here?" He wanted to be angry. But at that moment, he was more curious than furious. He followed the path of petals and roses to the bedroom. He noticed that the linens have been changed. And on the glistening silky duvet cover, the petals spelled "I AM SORRY"

He didn't know how to react. "Job, are you here?"

Joby stepped out of the bathroom, carrying another bouquet, white roses.

"Yes, Babe. Please, please forgive me, Will." Joby pleaded and offered the bouquet.

Suddenly, Will remembered his anger. But with less ferocity this time "Your theatrics won't erase the pain."

"I know that, Babe. I just wanted to show you how sincerely sorry I am. I have no excuses. But please, Babe, please take me back."

Will left the bedroom and got himself a beer. He deliberately stepped on the petals and roses.

"How could you do this? I trusted you. I gave you all."

"Babe, I am just so sorry..."


"I want to just hit you, to make you feel the pain!"

"Then hit me, Babe. I deserve it."

Will just shouted. "Arrgh! I HATE YOU!"

"But I love you, Babe. I love you still."

Will turned to him. "So, where is this hot young intern now?"

"Babe, he is out of our lives. Totally out of it. I ended that. I want you, Babe. Take me back, please."

"How sure am I that it's all over? How will I ever trust you again? YOU MADE ME FEEL STUPID!"

"No, Babe. I didn't mean to. There really is nothing anymore between us. Honest!"

"Oh fuck, you even dare say "Honest?" Are you fucking kidding me?"

"No, Babe. You have to believe me."

Joby approached Will to hug him. Will did not resist anymore. He was still crying as Joby hugged him. "I'm so sorry, Babe. So sorry." He whispered in his ear.



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