Pride 2025

Parang ang daming ganap sa bayan, sa mundo. Impeachment. Middle East war. Pero syempre, react tayo sa mga latest achuchuchu nila Mama Renee and Mother Ricky Reyes. They are vehemently opposed to same-sex marriage (though dapat civil unions). Pagdating sa pag-aari, pag-usapan na lang daw. (Sa palagay mo, ganon kadali pag-usapang ang ganyan??) Para sa straight naman raw talaga ang kasal.

I grew up with them as prominent gay celebrities, out in the open, practicing their crafts so stereotypically labeled as gay. I didn’t look up to them. They were not role models for me. But somehow, they managed to give visibility to being gay, both positively and negatively. I must say that they are survivors, and even thrivers, for like it or not, they have the financial capability and stability most everyone wants. So I have to give that to them. Considering how harsh the environment was when they were just starting, they made it. 

I am disheartened by their stand but not surprised. A large part of surviving in a very homophobic Metro Manila in those times was to be compliant to the ‘acceptable norms’ of being a deviation, a "deviant". That meant sticking to those careers and all the stereotypes (the comic relief, the clown), not rocking the boat or challenging the powers that be (including the Catholic Church). Just stay in your little corner and you’ll be allowed to survive and even thrive. Decades and decades of these and you internalize those values very strongly. Yes, internalized homophobia. 

I wish they weren't given a platform. But in this day of clickbaiting and content, that kind of POV was exactly what those who produced wanted. Maybe it serves the purpose of bringing internalized homophobia out in the open. Calling it out. Discussing the counter-arguments. Yeah, the "benefits" of democracy. 

 

I hope their statements become irrelevant (though I know this will be fodder for anti-LGBT activitists). But I do know that in ADHD world, another one will serve as "tea" very soon. 

 

I am proud to be gay. I am no longer in the corporate closet. And like them, I have reached a certain level of stability and comfort. Coming out is no longer an issue for me. But I do know that it still is an issue to many, many people out there. And my heart goes out to each and every soul, struggling with this, looking for safe spaces. 

We just watch "Delia D", the musical starring Phi Palmos yesterday. I had loads of fun! Just made me think that even if it was a story of a drag queen who enters a reality talent show, it touched on "coming out", of being authentic when you realized how much of you is actually a farce. I still have that "impostor syndrome", even at work. And you catch yourself thinking exactly that as you go through the motions. I am glad to be retiring soon. I'll have less of those. 

 

The call to be authentic is a sound you will hear lifelong. Like an onion, every layer you peel off reveals another. Maybe your SOGIE is just the first part. But it won't be the last. Don't beat yourself up for it. Everytime your 'aware' self sounds a bell to be more real and true, you have just grown up again. And that is a reason to celebrate. 

Happy Pride!

Body Dysmorphia 2025 edition

At the close of 2024, I was loathing how my body remains as undesirable as when I started the year.  And to think, the work circumstance that I have blamed as the sole reason for this figure changed around early July. All the reasons for stress eating disappeared with the new role. 

I did make some progress from that time till October. I lost 4 pounds. But November personal activities and the December Holiday bingeing put brakes on all that. And I quickly gained back what I lost. 

So I am back where I started, back to making resolutions for 2025. 

But I am putting my money where my mouth is. I am investing in fitness with this elliptical machine purchase. And maybe, just maybe, I can sustain the caloric deficit needed to get rid of the belly and other unwanted fat. Why an elliptical machine? My knees and other joints can't take the impact of running anymore. As much as I enjoyed running outdoors previously, I couldn't do this anymore without hurting myself (and suffering for days). I just do walking nowadays. But I can't sustain the brisk walking needed to bring my heart rate up.  

Oh and did I mention that I have osteoporosis? A little slip from running can lead to a bone fracture. 

I just want to feel good about myself again by fitting into my old clothes… or by not seeing and feeling this Buddha belly.  Here is my nth attempt. Sigh.

Sunset of My Career

I have started counting down the days to my retirement from corporate life. I will be looking back at a career of 40 years, spent mostly in pharma marketing. 

Wasn’t it just yesterday when I was a graduate listening to the speech of Pres Cory Aquino? After 2 years of being a fledgling university instructor, there was the stint at the ad agency, then with a project of the DOH. Then finally landing in pharma marketing, with all the highs and lows of a career in marketing. 

I have fared well, methinks. I would like to believe that I have created value, tangible and intangible in that time span. I have built a Pinoy brand from zero, benefiting millions of Filipinos at risk of developing nerve problems. I have contributed to many other brands’ successful campaigns. I have managed and supervised  hundreds of people. I have taught and trained hundreds more. And I have made many decisions, good and bad. I have learned from all of them.

I wish I could mouth off life lessons spontaneously. But I can’t. I lack that ability to distill into verbalized learnings my experiences. So I won’t be writing any Tuesdays with CC anytime soon.

Though I have reached that point of financial stability, I still worry about how to sustain living (and lifestyle) after that last paycheck. One medical emergency can be debilitating to the savings. Real non-cash assets may not easily convert to cash when needed. Income from leases may not always be regular. The worrywart in me can paint so many dire scenarios. At one point, I wanted to pursue a doctorate degree. But that would be a drain on my savings. 

Hence, total rest post-retirement may not be an option. I am entertaining a return to the academe, teaching and research with a side hustle of corporate training & development.

But definitely, I want a break from this corporate life. I’d like to wrestle back control of my time, of my life and be answerable to myself (largely). 

So much has happened in my life that has left me exhausted but fulfilled. Yet so much more will happen, I can imagine. But I’ll stop imagining for now. Let me just end this by saying that eventually, “Corporate Closet” will totally disappear. No longer in the closet. No longer corporate. 

Pagpili ng Bigas and Coming Out

I’m so happy to share a new acquisition: this still life by Ray Gomez. 

I’ve been looking for a hyper-realistic still life but featuring food or food items for a long time. I wanted this to adorn the living/dining of the halfway home (Manda condo). For a while, I was looking for seafood or fish as subject, even galunggong or tinapa. I even took this pic. And I wanted to commission an artist to render this. 

Art pieces featuring Still life not very common lately. So I have been on the lookout for years now. And finally, a trip to a gallery in EDSA Shangrila yielded this beauty by Ray Gomez. And the subject - bigas (rice grains) in a bilao strikes a chord on my heart strings.

I was a freshman in UP when a series of events led to my coming out to my mom. It was a particularly hot Saturday afternoon. And she was in the kitchen, in front of a bilao of bigas such as this, cleaning the grains of tiny stones and black grains as she talked to me. She calmly asked me about my friends, whether they were … 

“…gay, Nanay, yes they are… we are all gay.” I finished the sentence for her. 

Pause. Deep breath. “Are you okay with it? Do you want to seek counseling?” She asked.

“No need for that, Nanay. Not anymore. I would have wanted that before. But I am ok now. I am relieved that you already know.”

The conversation went on about how she accepts me and loves me, no matter what I am. And how she still wants me to have a relationship with Jesus.

I look at this piece and I am taken back to that time, a time when I felt how lovingly Nanay accepted me, her gay first son. The humble task of “Pagpipili ng bigas” will always be special to me.

Answered Prayers

After Typhoon Carina, I’m off to the beach house. Not that I need the break due to work stress. Actually, work has been light ever since the announcement of the new role in the company. I truly believe this unexpected turn of events is Divine Providence at work. I have been conversing with God about my struggles with my previous role. I have been praying for strength to bear it for the next years, until my retirement.

The stress of my work then came from so many sources. The politics. The many foundational, organizational changes underway. The ongoing challenges of running those business and chasing targets. The bureaucracies that are in place. The inherent late-night wining and dining requirements. 

My new role is like an answer to most of those  mentioned above. And now that I’m in transition, I am at my lightest load level. But this will soon change, perhaps at end of Q3, I will feel the intense pressure of the new role. Nevertheless, I won’t be subjected to the stress of the politics and dynamics of the previous role. 

For the past two weeks, I have been able to hit my 7-hour sleep goal every night! I have been regularly working out AND have been able to stick to a calorie-restricted meal plan. I am getting back my sense of control of my health and my life. 

Baby steps, CC.

To Embrace or To Fight

 I’m in my worst body shape. I can no longer hide this protruding belly, this muffin-top. And everybody is noticing. “CC, what happened? *points at the belly You used to be so slim and fit! Did you stop working out?”

What happened? My new role happened. A stressful new role with uneven working hours, lots of m-eatings and client dine-outs. Late worknights. Performance pressure. Office politics. And more stress-eating! The joy of biting into complex carbohydrates (cakes, pastries and chocolate!). 

What happened? I lost the will to control my diet and to work out regularly, no matter what. Is it a function of age? Or is this lack of discipline some late-life character flaw?

Thank heavens for c3, for being the supportive shoulder to cry on, that listening ear. And I bet he feels helpless as I rant.

I hate seeing full body pics of myself. Hell, even my face has bloated! This self-loathing also is reason I have not cut my hair. I’m just letting it grow wavy and wild, with all the grey hair. I just don’t feel like going back to short, clean-cut style which will emphasize my HUGE face. So I hate how I look even more. 

Is this the start of dysmorphia depression? This feeling that I don’t want to work. I just want to lie down this Wednesday morning. 

As I ascribe all these to my current role, at the back of my mind, I tell myself that once I retire (in less than 2yrs), I will be able to take back control.

But am I being realistic thinking I could still ‘fight’ this? Could I really still find the will to be disciplined, even when I finally retire? Or as I go towards Senior Citizenship, should I finally embrace this fatbod fully and gracefully and be at peace with it? Should I stop torturing myself and proudly tell people that I love this body as I love eating? 

I wonder…