Friday, April 22, 2011

closing the gap

cc, it seems that you have undergone so much change? as i read your blog, i compare it with your old posts and couldnt help but see so many changes. so is it true, have you changed so much?

that was mgg asking me. well coming from mgg, it sounded
more like an interrogation! lol. seriously, that's one of miggs' trademarks: provocative questions, in-your-face kind of inquiries that just suddenly make you stop and think before answering. think hard.

have i changed? i guess behaviorally, there have been a lot of changes. the most significant of which is my avoidance of casual sex. psychological, the pull of casual sex just gradually weakened. and i have to say it happened before i met pc. it was something i wanted to happen. because it was the biggest gap between my ideal self and my real self. it was the most glaring inconsistency.

and i didnt have to go through any major self-denial. on the contrary, the journey to this point began as i accepted that part of myself. accepted and embraced. and that meant indulging. just giving in to the compulsion. recognizing it, naming it, doing it. then slowly, i felt less and less compelled to act upon it. the attraction waned. to a point when i could just say no. not this time. too much effort.

the attraction is still there. it is just so easy to get laid nowadays. all it takes is one look. and a hook up could be arranged. but now i see that, the come-hither look and i can just walk away.

and that is me slowly achieving an ideal state of peace. a reconciliation. a harmony between what i would like to be and what i am now.

and with the love i feel with pc, it all just puts everything in its rightful place. pc grounds me. he calms me. he makes me savor so many of the finer things in this life. he truly is special. and i just feel so blessed by what we have.

sitting out here on my roofdeck on Good friday at dusk makes me feel at peace.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

ordinary people, the movie

last month, pc and i got to watch 'next to normal', the musical. so much buzz was generated i just had to watch it. so we caught it on its last weekend run. i won't review it here. but watching it reminded me of a 1981 oscar best picture, ordinary people, directed by robert redford.

i immediately downloaded the torrent file and got my chance to watch it again in the plane. i remember being so moved by it.

The accidental death of the older son of an affluent family deeply strains the relationships among the bitter mother, the good-natured father, and the guilt-ridden younger son. imdb

i remember being 'scared' of mary tyler moore's character. and overwhelmed by her acting, so different from the goody-two-shoes TV character she portrayed in her eponymous show.

timothy hutton as the troubled teenager won an oscar for his portrayal. and rightly so. he just didnt play the part. he inhabited it. and i related to his character, to his depression.

i found myself tearing up again. thank God the plane's cabin lights were turned off. lol. but i was touched totally by that movie, again.

that's what i miss about movies these days. movies during the 80's were about real people, in real situations. the camera was focused on relationships. myopic as it may seem, it was something that i could relate to, growing up. and ultimately, it was cathartic for me then. for i was a teenager with my own growing up problems then.

find time to watch this sometime.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Catching Up

The past few days have found me playing catch up with novels I should have finished long before.

I started 'The Road' in 2009. a friend lent this to me for my long trip back to Manila from Hawaii. I finally FORCED myself to finish it, just to see how it ends. And the oc-oc in me couldn't live with myself if i just left it unfinished.

i honestly got quite bored. of course, his carefully described scenes of a post-apocalyptic world is haunting (and his vocabulary quite extensive!), it was getting pointless after a while. story picks up towards the end. and becomes both sad and redemptive as i finished it. it's not really my cup of tea.

pc told me about the story of this, a book i've long heard of. he loved it so that he wrote his collegiate thesis around it! so i decided to buy the book and read for myself. lola oscar gets very lyrical and vivid. and he wanders off to so many other things about the 'rich and famous' in merry ole england. but i was drawn to it. to the mystery. and to all the gay references! lol

and because of this trip to bali, i brought my first murakami. i say that with the pride of a nouveau literati (with all the pretense!), feeling i have 'arrived' after reading this buzz-worthy author. hehe. again, upon pc's recomm. he adores murakami. now this one i couldn't put down. i now understand where pc's coming from. as it is contemporary, it is also philosophical and thought-provoking. i love the metaphors, the allusions. and it's abrupt ending. beautiful.

blogging has made me wonder why i couldn't be like those writers. how is it that they could string together such words and make them form these images in my mind? where do they start? why is their view of the world, their perspective so different from what i see?

but beyond this useless questioning of my mediocrity, i really love it that pc has reminded me of the beauty of the written word. of how exquisite the experience is, of seeing with my mind's eye rather than just watching on hd.

long live the pen!

You Know If Something's Not Right If...

...if you've got more spam comments than real ones!

ano bah? hehe

Friday, April 15, 2011

Memory Lane: Blind-sided by libido

i met him in that uber-cruisy mall called EDSA shang. he was very well-built, not handsome in any way. but hunky. and he was giving me the look. i couldnt resist the bulging biceps though he might actually be for pay. so taking my chances, i danced the dance. and soon we were talking. no, he wasnt for pay. but he was 'game'. in no uncertain terms he said he was straight. but he enjoys a good blow job. so i brought him to my condo for the booty call.

he was hot. endowed. and with a smooth bubble butt. i was drooling. it was one-way. i didnt mind extending my 'services'. he did jerk me off but he stuck to his word - no blow jobs.

we actually started a good conversation. and when he told me was part-time fitness instructor, i was more interested. in short, we became 'friends'. he'd give me training from time to time. id pay him for that. and soon he was telling me of his other business plans. and how i might be interested to help him with financing.

i also referred him to some friends of mine who needed a personal trainer. i thought he was a good guy.

until that friend told me that he started losing stuff when they'd be working out. around that time, i also referred him to a gym so he could have a stable job. then i found out he was no longer connected there. because he was caught stealing. and that confirmed my friend's suspicions.

he also disappeared from my life at the same time. not after having convinced me to be partner in his business, for a small sum (thank heavens).

im so ashamed to admit i fell prey yet again to scoundrels. i just trusted so easily. or actually, my groin got the better of my brain.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Thursday, April 14, 2011

sky over ubud

how refreshing it is. no pressure to go out and hook up. unlike a previous singularity life.

a day spent just soaking in the beauty. of the sky. of water in the pool. and the gentle waves on the surface. of sloping roads and tropical plants. of thatched rooftops glowing in the
afternoon sun. of piano music so delicate and sweet. of aromatic coffee from a white porcelain pot. of the light murakami prose.

blessings abound.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

pain, musings on

could you cope better with pain if you know when it is coming? does it make it less painful, the awareness, the regularity and the timing? or would the element of surprise be better, because the anticipation of it heightens the experience, when every fiber in your body is being primed to the moment it arrives?

can one really be 'zen-ish' about pain and embrace it? and love it? and consider it a part of your self? the proverbial necessary evil?

is 'pain with gain' less... painful? knowing that there is some reward at the end?

i just wonder...

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Monday, April 11, 2011

Jakarta Day 2

i was couped up in the training room whole day. so i didnt get to see much of the city. but i am convinced that indonesians are very friendly and warm. i must admit that i had my preconceived notions. but all dispelled now.

on another note, i just hate it that hotels still make wifi a chargeable service. im forced to look for those outlets that offer free wifi. and its the big chain hotels which still charge such exhorbitant amounts!

on another note, yet again. my ex is based in jakarta now. funny. he supposedly accepted this foreign posting. a part of me is hoping i wont bump into him. that would be so inconvenient. but it is a huge city so i know the chances of that are slim.

i worked out at the hotel gym this evening. nice gym. there were only two of us working out. and that worked for me. i didnt want to go to the fitness first branch here, thinking it might be crowded. im pleased im able to keep working out. and sticking to diet, too. ill be going to bali by thursday and i need that beach bod fast. hehe

im done with dinner, my excuse to get the free wifi. i was so happy to do face time with pc through tango! amazing!

so till tomorrow...

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Jakarta Day 1

First time to visit here. with virtually no expectations, im getting pleasantly surprised. infrastructure rising all over. clean and orderly (at least where i am staying). and a few goodlooking guys in fitness first! (and that branch didnt seem cruisy at all)

they are generally friendly and given in to smiling. malls and starbucks all over the place. im feeling right at home.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Friday, April 8, 2011

Ritualistic Responses

Religious Post

One of the many reasons some Catholics are turned off by the Church is because of the ritualistic experience of praying. we have been attending Masses most of our lives. and with no major changes in the way the Mass has been celebrated (for some born after Vatican II, there have been no changes at all!), we have memorized each and every prayer/response. we can say and recite them so automatically, and quite unfeelingly.

i used to feel that way a lot (or unfeel that way. hehe). i still do. i have and still sometimes do 'mouth' those responses. But on occasion, i try to be all-present during the Mass and try to comprehend the responses and prayers even as i recite them. and as i do, i catch myself asking about the meaning, the context, the purpose of the response. and when i have found a suitable explanation, the statements just come to life for me, just like how a 3D puzzle portrait at first seems just meaningless. and then the figure just jumps right at you, as your retina gets the 'groove'!

after saying the Lord's Prayer, i sometimes wonder about our plea that He should Deliver us from evil. Am i about to be "delivered to evil" because of my inherent evil nature? and i ask that He deliver me from that path?

Then the priest intones Deliver us from every evil and grant us peace in our day..... (in a later part) Look not on our sins but on the faith of Your church...

Prevent us from going there, Lord. But even as we sin so often, judge us not by that but by our faith in You, our faith that You will deliver us, redeem us. I like this part much. It humbles me and makes me realize that even as I try to do good, i should always feel that He has done so much more for me. and that just by believing in Him will I truly be saved. Again, that "pay it forward" concept!

And this little rationalization has helped me be a bit more conscious of the words that i speak, even if i have memorized them from verbatim.

a blessed holy week to you

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Playlist: Beach Sounds

thanks so much to those who sent songs for the Sex Playlist! i havent started to download them but i will, very soon! pc and i will have new music in the background! LOL (yeah TMI)

its summertime. its beach time. part of my 'beach repertoire' is to walk along the shore and have this list playing. and i do it everytime! hehe

it's a "cool" playlist, laid back, perfect with the sun about to set. what do you have in your list to add to this?

Pure Shores, All Saints
Cool Change, Little River Band
Bette Davis Eyes, Kim Carnes
Snow on the Sahara, Anggun
I Can See Clearly Now, Bob Marley
Red Red Wine, UB40
Your Body is a Wonderland, John Mayer
Sailing, Christopher Cross
Whispering waves, Donna Summer

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

The Chona Fabcast Part II, the Conclushen

and here it is, the final part... the real reason we got together. hearing a fag hag talk about possibly raising a ... fag? listen in on our fascination with hearing our combined histories being played out!

Download this Fabcast (right click and save)

Music credits:
[1] "Born This Way" by Lady Gaga
[2] "Baby Elephant Walk" by Rene Touzet
[3] "Careless Whispers" by George Michael
[4] "Frenesi - Twist" by Les Elgart & His Orchestra
[5] "Sa Ugoy Ng Duyan" by Basil Valdez with The San Miguel Philharmonic Orchestra
[6] "Mama" by Spice Girls

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

appreciating opera

this is a work in progress. and pc has a lot to do with it. im amazed at how much he knows about operas. apparently, his lolo taught him how to listen and appreciate the beauty of this music form at a very tender age. and combined with his opportunities for travel and knack for research and information-searching, he has developed a deep knowledge and appreciation of opera.

my own exposure has been limited. i have an aunt who is actually a coloratura soprano, who married a tenor. she continues to teach voice and used to lead a chorus. but i never got to really watch her perform. (and that remains to be one of my frustrations) my dad, of course, listens to opera. he loves mario lanza, enrico caruso, and as of late, the more popular tenors (pavarotti, placido, etc). but he doesn't indulge in listening to it as often because of work. and because this is just one of the many music forms he appreciates.

i did have a chance to 'star' in an operetta when i was hmm 11 or 12yo. i was a soprano and that aunt of mine produced "amahl and the night visitors" with me as the understudy to my cousin for the lead role (i think i mentioned this previously). but that was a one-hit wonder! LOL hit daw!

now that i have embarked on the painstaking journey towards classical singing, im beginning to appreciate the music form. im slowly exposing myself to more arias and choruses. and now that i know how difficult it is to learn the technique, i am truly appreciating this all the more.

and that includes learning to listen to beautiful foreign languages (italian, german) and getting the translations to understand. and the internet has just made it so easy.

i guess in this ripe old age of mine, it is just high time for me to truly go back to the classics...

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Sunday, April 3, 2011

getting in touch

a reader of mgg and this humble blog sent a sweet email to mgg recently. migs shared it with the fabcasters today. it was from a reader and listener of the fabcasts. i'm so happy to learn from him (and from others who have actually given us feedback) that the fabcasts, with all our loud banter, off-topic repartees, touch a cord in them. and we, together with the peanut gallery, have managed to make lives a little happier, quirkier, and maybe even a little wiser!

thank you, guys, for continuing to listen and comment. from the ranks of listeners have come the different members of the peanut gallery, with no pre-selection criteria whatsoever. they were just brave enough to reach out and be heard. and we gave them an avenue to be heard.

and since your comments and feedbacks are so precious, ill include my email address here for those who may just want to get in touch.

07 is for 2007. the year the blog began. it's been more than four years. and despite the many times i've considered putting a lid on this blog, i haven't. because i still derive so much pleasure from writing and sharing.

so do consider writing an email to Kuya CC. id love to hear from you beyond just comments!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

SAHC: The Empire Strikes Back Part II

i just remembered that i never got to finish this story. and for those who want to refresh their memories... try this link

the next few days were torture for all of us. we were not congregating in big groups. those in relationships were suddenly single. we were all just too scared of the consequences. the humiliation. what would our families think? what would become of us?

we would be seen in twos or threes, but never as the big group we once were. we were all depressed. and we were dreading the day when the principal was supposed to make the public announcement.

i remember we had c.a.t. (citizen's army training) on the day before the grand celebration of the school. we couldn't concentrate. and we were casting furtive glances at each other. and we all had just one thought. we were hoping the earth in that football field would just swallow us all. we couldn't bear it.

the day came. it started with a mass for the entire high school. and then the general assembly in the football field. we were trembling when the principal took the stand. i remember gripping the hand of sef. and as he spoke, i even closed my eyes, not wanting to see the reaction of our classmates should he finally reveal our names, the names of those wretched baklas and their boy friends who have tarnished the holy name of the school.

and then, his speech ended. and he left the podium. there was no announcement. nothing. we looked at each other. relief was so palpable. we were almost jubilant. but we knew, too, that they won. they got to dismantle our group. and should we defy them, we knew they would 'dangle' that threat in front of us again.

but days passed, and everything normalized. we started to hang out together as a group again. and those in relationships were being seen around, together again. no matter what they did, they couldn't put a wedge in between those solid bonds of friendship.

so strong are those bonds that till today, more than two decades after, the friendships are still here, the laughter still so loud, the love and care still so fresh, despite a few wrinkles, some hair-thinning, and a few unwanted pounds. and that's what bff really means.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Saturday, April 2, 2011

The Chona Fabcast Part 1B

Eto na ang part 2. subtitle: ang pagdadalaga ni corporate closet at ni prince charming

a continuation of how we 'discovered' or 'uncovered' our homosexuality.

and while hearing all our varied stories, i can't help but reinforce the 'nature' side of the nature-nurture argument on the 'origin' of homosexuality. my experience of being awakened to the sexuality of my male attraction, a wet dream, tells me that my homosexuality couldn't have just been something 'learned from' or 'picked up in' the environment. my playing with dolls and being such a sissy couldn't have seeped into my unconscious to make me 'lust' for another man. it had to be in my nature, and so deeply ingrained.

so much for the serious stuff. hehe. enjoy the banter!

Download this fabcast (right click and save)

The Chona Fabcast, Part 1B
Music credits:
“Do You Remember When” by the J. Geils Band
“The One You Love” by Glenn Frey
“Born This Way” by Lady Gaga