closing the gap

cc, it seems that you have undergone so much change? as i read your blog, i compare it with your old posts and couldnt help but see so many changes. so is it true, have you changed so much?

that was mgg asking me. well coming from mgg, it sounded
more like an interrogation! lol. seriously, that's one of miggs' trademarks: provocative questions, in-your-face kind of inquiries that just suddenly make you stop and think before answering. think hard.

have i changed? i guess behaviorally, there have been a lot of changes. the most significant of which is my avoidance of casual sex. psychological, the pull of casual sex just gradually weakened. and i have to say it happened before i met pc. it was something i wanted to happen. because it was the biggest gap between my ideal self and my real self. it was the most glaring inconsistency.

and i didnt have to go through any major self-denial. on the contrary, the journey to this point began as i accepted that part of myself. accepted and embraced. and that meant indulging. just giving in to the compulsion. recognizing it, naming it, doing it. then slowly, i felt less and less compelled to act upon it. the attraction waned. to a point when i could just say no. not this time. too much effort.

the attraction is still there. it is just so easy to get laid nowadays. all it takes is one look. and a hook up could be arranged. but now i see that, the come-hither look and i can just walk away.

and that is me slowly achieving an ideal state of peace. a reconciliation. a harmony between what i would like to be and what i am now.

and with the love i feel with pc, it all just puts everything in its rightful place. pc grounds me. he calms me. he makes me savor so many of the finer things in this life. he truly is special. and i just feel so blessed by what we have.

sitting out here on my roofdeck on Good friday at dusk makes me feel at peace.




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