Thursday, November 29, 2007

south beach rubber necking

rubber necking, i love this term. shows you how far your head will turn when eye candy passes by. im getting neck pains from staring at these muscled types just walking along lincoln or lummus beach or ocean drive... enough talk.

old film, new technology

on the plane to miami, i was playing with my newest toy, (no i wasnt playing with myself!). got me an ipod touch, my upgrade from my 20G ipod photo bought 2yrs back. i didnt get an iphone BECAUSE 1) i didnt need a new phone 2) it needs to be 'hacked' or 'opened' to get it to work with our telcos here 3) i dont want a phone that reads 'handle with care' 4) i dont need to have all entertainment & communication needs in one gadget. i decided that i just needed a video AND a websurfing toy. SO i got the ipod touch.

i immediately downloaded an old film i have always wanted to watch "Brother Sun, Sister Moon". i remember visiting josh (mr doves) blog and viewing the u-tube there! thanks, josh! I finally have my copy! turns out my sister in ny has the dvd so i was able to easily rip it off.

so i easily passed the 2.5hr flight to miami away watching the film. still brought back some tears. i still felt moved and inspired by it, after all these years. (i last saw this in grade school! that was sooo many years back). funny how some images are retained, especially the ones tinged with sexuality (francis walking naked out of Assisi or one of his brothers staring lustfully at the ample breasts of a young mother). but by and large, the spirit of the movie remains. and this is certainly a classic Zeffirelli which i wouldnt mind watching over and over again. the other one is Jesus of Nazareth.

but i am going through hell adding more movies. like i had to download Handbrake to convert the dvd to ipod format. then when i downloaded some movies from other sources (in mpg format), i had to download another shareware ffmpegX which had quite complicated installation procedures for the Mac OS. Asus. so much trouble.

am i happy? you bet i am, especially with ipod touch because of the wifi internet access!

manhattan courtesies, latin passion

so like i'm comparing ny and miami. not totally fair. but hey, this is my blog.

one of the things i was taught by my sister is how courteous new yorkers are. they smile and say hello to each other. they hold the door for others. they say 'thank you' to the bus driver. totally new to us Filipinos to do that to complete strangers. its not because we are uncouth. i think it's simply our 'mahiyain' complex, something we share with other asians. unless we are properly introduced, we regard people as 'others'. and we keep to our own private spaces. perhaps also because of our colonial history. we were brainwashed to keep to ourselves and not speak out (look at what happen to jose, rizal that is. hehe). so it's a welcome surprise for me to actually communicate at this level with strangers. and they respond to it, not always warmly but it is certainly acknowledged!

miami south beach (the only area i know, haha) has a lot of latinos, particularly cuban. so you really feel that latin vibe around. (and curiously soooo many italian restaurants, too) the accent remains very thick. and i feel strong personalities all around. even as they serve you behind the counter, their voices are quite loud, enunciation is heavy. strong and assertive, and again that's a lot to handle for the mahiyaing Pinoy. Not necessarily combative, but just expressive. i guess its really latin passion, more than anything else. i like the way they proudly retain their cultural identity in the U.S. it also reminds me of my own sisters, who manage NOT to sound like americans when they speak in English. and i am proud of them for not super-assimilating the american culture.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

bienvenida a miami

wow. so different from where i was. all warm and sunny. parang pinas pero mas maayos at malinis. and john was right! the hunks inside the clubs of new york are loitering all around here! as in! well, i guess they are all escaping the cold upper states! and boy do their flaunt their bodies here. massive yung iba sa kanila... steroid-driven, halata naman. pero talagang eye candy. will try to get some pics. nahihiya kasi ako kumuha! hahaha.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

babylon ba eto?

this is babylon, as close to it, i guess. multi-level, two-in-one club. big place, ground level is the dance club. basement is the bar with its own atmosphere and music. went there quite early. place started filling up 1130pm (parang maynila). very mixed crowd. a lot less attitude than the ritz. a lot of older men. and older, fatter types. and a mix of races: african-american, east asian, south asian, latino, name it.

the attraction is really in the bar and its bartenders, and of course, the go-go boys. i was amazed to see really buffed, handsome bartenders wearing only... underwear. wow. as in, going around the bar in their skivvies, with their c**ks just hanging there. asus. ang sarap biglang hipuan. haha. i was already busog just ogling at them.

then by 1130pm, the go-go boys started occupying their platforms around the dance floor. they are dressed in their underwear or their trunks. 'boys' is a misnomer. these are men, big hunky men. just like this ad of theirs. wow. totoo palang may ganito dito. one was super gorgeous, pumped up like no tomorrow. rippling everywhere. women and the older gays couldnt help themselves. they kept on putting money, touching their privates, kissing their abs, their thighs, their butts. one had an enormous c**k, and he was wearing the skimpiest trunks. these are blue film types. i wouldnt be surprised if they are.

even the darker, more pop basement bar had a go-go boy. totally different ambiance there. just pop music. big bar in the middle.. lounging chairs in an area...

i had a nice time just ogling, seeing babylon for real. got asked to dance just once by a japanese tourist! not too many good looking patrons. more at the ritz.

MoMA dearest

i visited the Museum of Modern Art. I was just blown away with the collection they have, particularly of the impressionists. i am not much of an art fan, i confess. especially when it gets to be too abstract, i can hardly relate to it. but something about the impressionists appeal to my mundane aesthetic sense. and i truly am just speechless viewing for myself work of monet. i first encountered the artist's works in paris, at the musee d'orsay. even then i realized how different it is to actually see the art itself. i used to think that as long as there are pictures, i could already appreciate the art. how terribly wrong i was when i finally saw great art face-to-face.

and i felt it again today, viewing monet's huge mural - lilies. the feeling was just exquisite, viewing the entire panel, seeing the impressions of water, light, the flowers, the clouds. i was inside that painting. i was feeling the ripples on the pond. real yet unreal.

i just sat there, basking in this inner glow of peace. the idea is to take the panel and immerse yourself in it. get past the details and just be one with the art.

a moment alone

i am all alone in my sister's flat in manhattan. 11am saturday. they left to pick out the tree. i chose to stay behind to slow down a bit. ill visit the museum of modern art during lunch.

last night i was able to taste gay life in manhattan. i had a great time, escorted by BFNYC (boy from new york city). we are friends now, sexual tension (and attraction) gone. he met up with me at G Lounge on 19th. nice place, watering hole mainly. place got full by 12am when we left. predominantly white, i'd say about early 30's crowd. but when it got packed, i saw african-americans and lots of asians. a group of pinoys walked in as we left.

music was okay. reminded me of giraffe during the good old days in terms of ambiance. place to chat. i dont know if it is easy to hook up there.

then we left for the ritz, a year-old club up in 46th. that place gets REALLY PACKED. young (mid-20's) crowd, quite mixed, more hip and funky than the g. and people dance and move. not too many asians, though. a lot of latinos.

this time, i got to see plenty of good looking caucasians with buff bodies. wow. and they were like flaunting it. it was nice just looking at all of them. and the crowd gets wild with great songs. siyempre, hit pa rin lahat ng songs ni lola madonna. people were just crazy when dj played sorry. hahaha. from manila to new york. pareho pa rin ang bading.

it was hard for me to even establish eye contact. but BFNYC quickly hooked up with a latino (cute face but short and kinda chub-chub). i tried to look around but hmm, i just am not marketable here. but i definitely enjoyed the music by dj xavier. it was so pop and never mind the mixing. kaya masaya.

some people there just know how to move! sarap manuod lang as they were rocking, thumping... more of hip-movements... very sexy actually.

it was post-night out chibugan after, around 215am at a diner near by. that was fun.

i woke up quite late... preferring to slow down. i called partner up. honestly, i got disappointed with the conversation. he didnt sound happy at all to hear my voice. and he rattled off some home concerns (borrowing sexy back and the driver) because of his trip to manila sunday. and he cut it short because 'mahal na ito'.

the chill is definitely still around. and it's rubbing off on me. i know i am supposed to be so thankful that he managed not to break up with me. and sometimes i catch myself asking why, with all the pain ive caused. at least that's how he makes me feel. he definitely shuts me out, gives me the ice treatment on a winter day. and i have no idea when this will let up.

here i am in nyc, eager to share all that ive been doing and he talks about borrowing my car.

i guess that's another reason why i am here. to take stock of things and find out what i want and where i want to go.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

more photos

another shot of central park, this time from belvedere castle, an observatory made within the park. the park is an amazing 843 acres with huge pools and its own wildlife sanctuary.

this is a huge snowflake suspended right at an intersection (between two bergdorf goodman stores)... ganda when all lit up...

the ENIGMATIC sphinx, guarding the Temple of Denbur, faithfully reproduced by the Metropolitan Museum in NYC. The museum contains about 36,000 pieces of Ancient Egyptian relics. This is another dream destination of mine.

Friday, November 23, 2007

thank you, dear readers

allow me to offer this nice turkey in thanksgiving for all of you who continue to read the blog. i would also like to thank particularly ralph, jetblue who have eagerly met up with me here in NYC! i am just amazed and even floored at the thought that some of you actually take time out to read my blog. i dont even have a site counter so i am not aware of how many actually visit the site. and i havent been so keen to put one either. but your comments, your notes sustain me enough.

i just hope that i will be able to keep you entertained, informed and maybe even enlightened. but for continuing to read and for posting comments... a big heartfelt THANK YOU and MAJOR HUG AND KISS! cc

picture from article by martha matthews "how to roast the perfect turkey"

celebrity undressed

okay. so he's not a celebrity. but ive seen him on tv. and it was just such a surprise to see him in the flesh, pun intended. naked cowboy was on times square, strummin' and struttin'. imagine all of us bundled up and he was just there in his undies. huwag ka. may bayad ang kuhang eto. parang pinoy - may accomplice who hands you a flier and tells you 'that will be two dollars, sir" as you take the pic. oh siya, two dollars para sa isang lalaking hubad sa gitna ng kalye. na actually eh kalansa naman. but the body is impressively toned and muscular. and of course, a hit with poor tourists like me.

only in nyc.

more images

happy thanksgiving to you all! as if i used to celebrate this. but i am glad i got a taste of the most american of all holidays! no, i didnt bother going to the macy's thanksgiving parade. just too much hassle. but we did go to central park because the weather cleared up, and temperatures were higher. had a nice, peaceful time just looking at the leaves changing color...

second pic is a view of the bridge going to queens and the east river...

Thursday, November 22, 2007

the best part

imagine this... real life model posing at the entrance of the store. real life model happens to be wearing only a jacket and jeans, exposing the rippling abs and chiseled torso. it only happens in abercrombie and fitch, where store assistants become the next models of the brand!

this friendly young man was just standing there for everyone to ogle at. cool lang, di ba? super gorgeous. in living color. in the flesh.

beats the most stylish christmas window displays at bloomingdales, bergdorf goodman and even tiffany's. hanep talaga.

made in manhattan

just felt like sharing some photos of the big apple... st. patrick's, radio city music hall and the great apple store on 5th ave. that last one just blew me away. imagine on a big concrete platform rises a huge glass block, a glass cube. in it is a suspended apple logo. that happens to be the entrance to the apple store below. WOW. hanep talaga.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

i now pronounce you...

i watched this in-flight. i was curious about the obviously-gay theme. my parents were raving about it, too. well, it was typical adam sandler... a lot of laughs then it gets mushy as it drives home a point. it reminds me of this TVC:

i am reacting to the way the stereotypes of being gay are used as fodder for laughs. i didnt find it funny anymore that the audience is supposed to be laughing out loud to the gay references: the music and the icons (especially barbra, barry manilow, boy george)... and everything else that spells gay culture. i guess i identify with most of the references mentioned that it actually hurts that these are supposed to be punchlines.

although the movie has its redeeming value (for gays), i just wasnt laughing out loud anymore.

Monday, November 19, 2007

almost sex

i met up with jetblue, a reader, here in nyc. he was a most gracious host, eager to show me the g life of the city. and he did just that by introducing me to this really nice, italian-irish new yorker, lou. he had loads of new york stories but that is for another post.

i am just struck by jetblue's story about the guy he's dating currently and how they were into 'almost sex'. being prim and proper, i didnt want to ask him ANO BA YUN? so my mind started going wild...

almost sex:
- im about to s**k him but i change my mind and kiss it instead. (almost consumed)
- im about to be f**ked but it wouldnt go in (too tight) (almost penetrated)
- we are both about to come when mother walks in the door (almost consumated)

hey jetblue? what is ALMOST SEX?

Sunday, November 18, 2007

manhattan nights

its 2am here in manhattan. just about to sleep in the city that never sleeps. sunday morning, from saturday night. came from east village, nice and trendy, young crowd line the streets. i was surprised not to see many drop-dead gorgeous guys around. i actually see or at least notice quite a few good looking african-americans! seriously! the white guys, well, look white.

got to meet up with the boy from new york city. he has a mahvelous pad in the area. just wonderfully designed. he is doing amazingly well for someone young and Filipino. vp level at a multinational firm here. it was great seeing him again, after almost a year. still had the same nice smile and big eyes. he treated me to korean fusion along broadway. and we had an awesome time just talking about common childhood stuff. he still looked hot, just like the first time i saw him.

ended well. we'll keep in touch... or so he says. i am happy i have the memories...

Friday, November 16, 2007

Welcome Sight

I felt relieved to finally see a familiar brand in decrepit NAIA. Enough of the no-name food establìshments they thrust upon choice-less tourists and locals. Nevdr mind the premium pricing - bout 60% more than outside. At least you know what to expect, taste-wise. Service was fine and friendly. Perhaps because it IS 5am.

And do avail of Cathay's Online Check-in! Avoid the pila! I got inside in 30 mins. Super convenient! And feeling special ka pa because there is a dedicated counter right beside business class. Yeah, I travel coach. :-)

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

u gotta have class

i'm teaching again. trying it out again after having been in the industry for decades. met the class last week. seems like a nice bunch of seniors. typically outspoken... i saw some bright ones, the class clown, the popular and unpopular ones. the ones who lie on the fringes.

i taught for two years right after graduation. i had a great time. tiring but great. im a showman and i love seeing the students learn AND smile. i took extra pains to research, to give them more than what the textbooks gave. but being a fresh graduate at that time, i didnt have much from experience to share. but i got good feedback. some of them still remember me and manage to say hello when we meet up.

i got my share of being 'crush ng estudyante'. hehehe. and at that young age, i really didnt know what to do. sexual harassment was unheard of. but i maintained my distance. i got a rose on valentine's day. inabot ng estudyanteng.... LALAKE. hahaha.

after the sem, he asked me out. he was actually older than me, fine arts student taking his time. already an accomplished artist then. since sem was over, he was no longer my student, i went out with him. went out drinking up in antipolo. and in one of the huts of then-eagle's nest, grabbed me and planted a wet one.

we ended up in his studio. i wont forget the head trip - having my **** swallowed in the middle of his paintings. a great ego thing. hahaha. nothing romantic. i guess he just wanted to express the desire. nothing like actually making out with your teacher.

of course this time it's different. older, wiser (supposedly). seriously, nothing sexual as i look at them. barely in their 20's. and i have a lot to share now, as an industry practitioner. i hope they do learn from me.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

back to the library

this post is dedicated to a librarian.

i havent been inside a library in years. there was just no need to visit a library. information and entertainment of the printed kind are so conveniently within reach c/o the internet, bookstores, etc.

but two weeks ago, i stepped inside a library again and borrowed a book! the need came because i've started teaching again. the syllabus i inherited listed down some books on the course that were newly acquired by the school's library (read: not available at different bookstore, powerbooks, etc.) as i was being oriented by the assistant dean, i was introduced to the librarian and was shown the newly-acquired books. i borrowed one primarily because i was in a hurry to finish my lesson plan.

the library, as i remember it, hasnt changed much. the tables and chairs, so orderly arranged, the rows of boookcases, the silence. but i did notice more workstations for the internet. i got my book and went home. ive read parts of it and have prepared my lesson plan. and i will be returning the book within the week.

when i was taking my mba, the library was simply the aircon place for me to read newspapers without buying. and the only place where i could read the output of other students (theses).

does the library occupy any space in my life?

as i think about it, it may start to occupy some space. i may actually start visiting the library more and more... for the following reasons:

- i got a small space. i cant hoard and hoard books. id have to be very choosy about the books i will own (and these will be the ones i am SURE to read again). so for everything else, perhaps i will go to the library.
- and aside from the storage, the fact that i could read for free is certainly appealing.
- ill be in school anyway so i dont have to worry about parking, etc.

why would i hesistate to visit the library?
- pressure to read and return. if i buy a book, i have all the time in the world to read it at my pace. borrowing a book gives me a definite time frame. sus! i-pressure ba ako.
- inconvenient. where do i park? id have to go out of my way to visit. wish there were libraries in malls. hahaha. or place i would frequent (churches, bars? haha)
- my old concept of masungit librarians. this however has been debunked very recently.
- horror movies. scenes of faces peering between books on a shelf... stalkers following you while you browse from shelf to shelf. hahaha

well, i am giving the library another chance to be part of my life. let's see how it turns out...

images c/o seattle public library

Saturday, November 10, 2007

a most-loved video from sesame street

allow me to share probably my most-loved segment from sesame street. a great yet simple song...

"bert sings imagination lullaby"

a sigh of relief

partner arrived yesterday. the first time for us to see each other again since my 'disclosure of indiscretion'. the ice is thawing. i see him break into smile from time to time. he has been quite talkative again, particularly of his trip. he would still show signs of pain, of hurt. he'd let a couple of snide remarks on my infidelities, on my 'kakatihan' slip. but the best part was that he allowed me to hug and kiss him again. i feared he would reject my attempt at intimacy. he didnt. he didnt reciprocate as much but i will not push it.

he said it best before he left again this afternoon. 'pasensya ka na kung di pa rin ako masyadong normal. minsan naalalala ko pa rin. natutulala ako.' i acknowledged his feelings and told him i was already very happy that we were spending some time together again... that we were talking again.

he had to leave again but he promised to be back by wednesday, to see me off as i leave friday.

i am lucky. i am grateful for a person like partner.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

"the secret" ... to being in love?

im glad some people still get that kilig feeling over romantic love songs! sarap talaga ng pakiramdam (mcvie, no i am not addicted to the feeling!)

but its also sad that some people feel that romantic love is lacking in their lives. and some complain of being lonely, lonesome, alone...

hmmm. let's apply 'the secret' here...

perhaps some of these people focus too much on what they don't have, i.e. no love in their lives. and whining about it just makes the thought expand. always mentioning this will just reinforce it further, a vicious cycle.

so turn it around. stop thinking you don't have love. stop focusing on what is lacking in your life. start by recognizing that there are so many people around us who love us and whom we can love back! family, friends, people we work with... then you become thankful sincerely of what you already have: this wonderful people around.

Then start loving. It's an action word. start focusing your energies on making people you love happy: your father and mother, especially your parents (joke)... your grandparents, your officemates, your friends and barkada. spend time with them, make them laugh, make them feel appreciated. then extend to other people in dire need of loving: the poor, the elderly, the abandoned, the orphans and widows. just keep on loving and loving.

this way, you stop focusing on what you don't have and you start focusing on loving people around. you end up sending signals of love to the universe. and that is what the universe will give back to you. love, in all its forms, perhaps including romantic love.

but the beautiful part about this is that i loving in itself is very gratifying. you will come to realize you arent looking for love anymore... but love will find you anyway...

this, i believe, is my secret... i never have imagined a time when i won't encounter love. i have always felt an abundance of love all around. and i try my best to love the people around.... of course it gets me into trouble (when i love more than i should be loving. hehehe) but seriously, love always comes my way! im not scared of being alone, even in my old age. because i know i wont be...

Sunday, November 4, 2007

sweet song, pang-in love baga

this song was dedicated to moi by my new friend. such a sweet song from a nice guy.

my prozac 2 (sesame street)

even before reality TV, there was... HERE IS YOUR LIFE! first of a series... featuring Mr Oak Tree.

i am actually smiling as i watch this. sigh.

di ba so appropriate... "G"

and finally, its not easy being "G" as kermit sings it (substitute gay with green)

but ultimately, that's what i want to be...

my prozac

nothing like reminiscing to chase the blue clouds away. MARAMING SALAMAT YOUTUBE! who would think i would get the chance to view these shows i grew up on? JOZ KHO. sesame street and the electric company. everyday. for years and years. no matter if the segments replay a zillion times. i'd still watch them. and because of YouTube, i get to see them again. forgive me people. i just gotta share these. part of the fun of meeting people within the same age range is comparing memories of these shows. i could never forget the menu song!

and the most amazing thing... these two are academy-award winners... rita moreno (best supporting actress, west side story) and morgan freeman (best supporting actor, million dollar baby). wow.

and this is how i started to pronounce can, cup right. hahaha

solace in the garden

partner showed me this nice garden in the heart of quezon city, within the huge compound of a seminary. currently undergoing renovation, the grotto featured here remains open to devotees.

it was very comforting to be just praying there to Mother Mary. Praying for discernment. Praying that I would know what to do. Praying that I would know His will.

Prayer does wonders for me. Just last week, I stormed the heavens with prayers for my u.s. visa... and got the impossible - a 10-yr multiple entry visa. it's also 'the secret' at work. i owned it long before. i visualized it. and i prayed for it. i got it.

too many voices in my head. and i just need God's voice. i've got to quiet down.

more issues...

was chatting with the lover of my friend, who's also my friend, at a party yesterday. he is my partner's confidante. and partner was telling him about his pain, his disappointments, his anger.

friend was relaying some of it to me last night. and my friend was totally against what i have done. chastising me for my indiscretions, blaming me for partner's pain.

"you are just so selfish for doing what you did, cc. i could understand a few sexual escapades, but my Gulay! you had an affair! you know what hurt him most? you started having that almost after he left the first time. sobra naman yan, cc. kakatihan na yan, sobra."

"and to think he left naman for his career. tapos ganyan lang ang sinukli mo."

"eh bakit hindi ikaw ang pumunta sa kanya? bakit di mo iwan ang career mo? bakit siya ang pinipilit mong bumalik dito? kung mahal mo talaga at di ka maka-tiis, ikaw ang dapat pumunta sa kanya?"

i felt anger welling up inside me. i almost got into an argument with him (ive always found him opinionated, judgmental). Thank God for the slideshow we had to watch.

7 years back. Partner and I met. I was already with this firm. he was with another. Both firms based in manila. there was no talk of leaving for another place, another country. it was all about making a life together here in manila. where we both had jobs.

2 years after. he had changed jobs and was about to embark on his master's. again, school was in manila (i was taking my master's, too, at the same school, at the same time). again, no talk about leaving, being stationed elsewhere other than manila.

Another 2 years after. he had finished school and was looking for work. his work took him luzon south. but still he would be coming home often.

Then he accepted this new job, based somewhere in the visayas. no consultations with me. he said he planned to go home every other week, anyway. but i supported him. he said it was only for 6 months, till a better job offer came.

That was two years ago. he is still there. and i dont know when he will come back. his offers are all for outside posts.

should i have been the one to leave my career and follow him? should i have left the firm i have always worked for, even before he met, a firm i am now CEO, a firm that has been good to me, a job i have always enjoyed, to live in the visayas, with no job offers? unfair pa ba ako na i am asking him to come back kasi di ko kaya na malayo sa kanya ng matagal?

and is it so wrong for me to now declare that LDR's dont work for me? and because of that, I'd like him to come back. And that i am willing to support him financially?

am i really such a horrible person?

the farewell song - video

i heard this song once or twice in the airwaves before, years back. i already was haunted by the lyrics and the melody. and i could only remember a few lines "as blue as your blue goodbye..." a few limewire attempts failed. it was the end of my enigma affair. and a more persistent search finally yielded the result - the day you went away by wendy matthews.

im sharing this with you. cathartic for me. its a sunny, gloomy sunday

new friends, old issues

i had a date last night. yes, i went out on a date with a person i met last saturday... we have been texting during the week, and he was quite vocal about liking me. and i was vocal about being attached and having limitations and being interested in friendship only. though i do find him attractive.

we went out and had a couple of drinks. nice, quirky conversation mostly about his life, his experiences and what led him to believe in 'universal truths' like reincarnation, karmic retribution, etc. i liked the conversation because it only re-affirmed my catholic beliefs. gave me more reason to argue against reincarnation. nice conversation.

yes, he admitted to liking me so much. wishing i was single. singing me his torch songs. flattering. but i didnt want to raise his hopes. i made sure i had a driver so i had an excuse not to be in a compromising situation (like going to a motel, etc.)

i struggled with telling partner about this over the email. wow, such agony. on one hand, i want to be truly honest with partner. no more hiding. on the other hand, being truly honest also means causing pain. and i dread reading some hate mail from him (akala ko ba nagbago ka na.) but if i hide this 'date' there will be a gap in my story of that day/night. and that will also irk him. what to do?

well, honesty won. but not without the fear and depression after.

is this really what i want?... an LDR which permits dating (open) or perhaps its time to call it quits... how long will his cold treatment last? would he ever learn to forgive me or trust me again?

thank God for basketball and parties. i became entertained. but now, all alone in the condo again, i wonder. why am i in this predicament? how long can i last in this LDR with all these issues still hanging...

Friday, November 2, 2007

the mush i miss

this is one song, one movie i'll never forget, no matter now mushy or corny. 'the promise' starring kathleen quinlan & stephen collins. 1979. was still in high school when this played in the theaters. the video captures the opening credits and the end, mainly for the song.

this explains my fascination with seaside cliffs and sunsets, and making promises of eternal love. i recreated this initially in damortis, la union and brought previous lovers there. sayang. that area is private now.

but i found one again, this time with partner in batanes, on the day we committed to each other. the perfect day.

sayang the video doesnt include the lines i wanted you to hear... but enjoy the song, in its original version. i like this so much better than martin's cover...

i longed to watch this movie for a long, long time. finally, got my copy through amazon (vhs pa). and i was reunited...

analyzing my LDR

Thanks to Tenchu, i analyzed my LDR based on the 10 tips of the article. I rated my LDR on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 as "followed to the letter"
1: Maintain an intimate satisfying relationship - 10 became 5
it started out very intimately but the communication limitations started to gag me. i didnt want to waste talk time with partner with the mundane stuff of my life. which, in a sense, form the gaps and fillers of intimacy. then, with my affairs, came a new dictum: less talk, less mistake. which was one of the main reasons i decided to disclose everything. honesty begets intimacy.
2: Socialize - 10
i maintained contact with family, our common friends, renewed old friends, made new ones (some of which started out as playmates). yet i felt the emotional loneliness... knowing that i could only truly connect with someone i am committed to... but this one i followed pretty well.
3: Find a confidant - 10
my ever-faithful, loving secretary became my sounding board, my kilig absorber, my therapist, my conscience, my protector...
4: Touching - 10 became 7
partner and i are very touchy-feely when he's around... a lot of hugging and kissing. except when we are at war. and sex... well that will come at tip 10. nevertheless, as i became more distant, there was less hugging and kissing. and i was getting it from other sources (playmates, affairs)
5: Take control - 1
this is where we failed most. partner kept on making promises of when he was coming back, both for a visit and for good. what was originally just a few months, stretched on to a year, became two years and still, no definite end in mind. and worse, there would be times i am expecting him to visit and he would cancel. i had no control anymore. i wasnt even consulted about this decision in the 1st place.
6: Positive Thinking - 5 became 3
I grew more pessimistic with each unkept promise.
7: View the separation as temporary - 2
related to Tip 5. it started out this way but there were just too many unkept promises. and what is temporary? 6 months? 1 year? 2 years? i kept on asking him to come back. he had his reasons for not coming back yet.
8: Acknowledge each other's contributions - 4
i dont feel acknowledged enough for my part in maintaining the relationship, particularly the financial aspect of it. as the LDR progressed, i felt that everything i was doing was taken for granted.
9: Fuzzy poles - 6 became 0
i particularly like this Tip. And as i thought about it, i had a fuzzy pole - his picture at my bedside. he is so gwapo in his pic. and i would just stare at it before sleeping. but last july, during a major fight, he broke that frame to pieces. shattered was my fuzzy pole. and i havent had a replacement since.
10: keeping a healthy sex life apart - 8 became 0
though i am the promiscuous one, i still yearned for the good, great sex we have. only partner could push the right buttons, nibble on the right places, bite when needed... but eventually, even when he woud visit for a weekend, there would be no sex. just no time (or maybe interest) from his side.

additional rants: we didnt even take advantage of technology like webcams, 3G. despite having given him the webcam, the 3G phone, etc.

LDR's could work as this article shows how. Mine failed in 6 of 10 tips. Not irreparable. But a failure nonetheless.

People, learn from this.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Only during Undas

I'll only stay outside this Starbucks outlet during daytime on All Saints Day. Lovely overcast weather. Right after body scrub and massage across the circus or rotonda. I am still groggy.

I made up my mind to have a massage after a month. I told myself I'd like to remain chaste. So I totally avoided the wet areas.

I feel so smooth after the scrub. All the libag gone. Haha. First time to try this male therapist. Lets call him R. He was recommended by friends. I was surprised to see a big guy, with big hands. R started the massage. He was good and hard, the massage, I mean. And he didn't seem to be touching me with malisya, especially on my butt & a-hole. So I felt I was going to maintain my chaste status.

But when I flipped over, on my back now, as he was doing my thighs, I felt the light brushes against my genitals. And IT started to react. I wanted to think dead rats but I couldn't stop IT anymore. And R took this as approval for things to COME. He didnt even ask for explicit permission. And I was just too weak to resist.

I'm starting to feel the guilt, as I sit outside Starbucks. Hay. I slipped again. But you know what? I was able to maintain celibacy for more than a month. I guess I shouldn't be too hard on myself?

an LDR site

i dedicate this to reader Tenchu as he embarks on an LDR. Succeed where I am struggling!

i take the liberty of editing it. a lot of steps i fall short with my partner. that will be another post! but after reading this, it really makes a lot of sense.

Step 1. Maintain a satisfying and intimate relationship.

The single most important step in staying emotionally healthy is forming and maintaining a healthy relationship with your partner. Numerous studies have shown that intimate and satisfying romantic relationships help buffer us from the usual stresses that the world hurls at us every day.

Step 2. Socialize.

The usual culprits to loneliness include being around other couples and doing activities by yourself that you would
usually think of as something couples should do; for example, going to a movie, going out to eat, or watching a favorite television show on a Friday or Saturday night.

Minimizing the amount of social isolation will lessen (but not eliminate) your feelings of emotional loneliness. Several studies on separated couples have confirmed the importance of getting out and spending time with friends.

Step 3. Find a confidant.

One study of relationships found that people who had a confidant–someone they could easily talk with about personal problems–were 10 times less likely to be depressed or lonely than those without one. Let me say early on that the confidant is not your romantic partner. The importance of that relationship has already been stressed. This confidant must be someone else, preferably someone geographically closer to you.

Step 4. Touching.

Touch is a powerful force and has some amazing effects on the body that we don’t fully understand. Touch has been shown to slow the heart rate, lower blood pressure, reduce the frequency of cardiac arrhythmias, and even help premature babies gain weight. Exactly how it accomplishes these feats is a mystery. Unfortunately, while we’re separated from our loved one we may find that the amount of touch we experience drops significantly. This lack of touch may even be partially responsible for the persistent blues that many of us report throughout the separation. The good news is that pretty much any touch helps reverse this deficit. While it would be wonderful if we could receive this touch from our partners, it’s not always possible.

One way of increasing physical touch is to seek out nonsexual contact from friends and colleagues. A simple hug can make a great emotional Band-Aid. And for those of us who can afford it, a massage is perhaps the most lavish (and very effective) way of reducing stress and gaining the benefits of touch.

Step 5. Take control.

How do you establish control? First, you need to recognize that you have a choice in your decision to separate. Granted, some of you don’t have much choice (such as military separations and those in prison), but the vast majority of us do. While it may be terribly expensive to close the distance, in either monetary or career terms, it’s still possible and you have control over that choice. In my own LDR, I realized that I made the decision every day to: 1) continue in the relationship with my partner, and 2) continue the relationship as an LDR rather than give up my career goals and move closer to her. While it would have been costly for me to simply pull up roots and move, I could have done it if I so chose. I had ultimate control over that decision.

The next way of feeling in control is to more explicitly define the parameters of the relationship. At the beginning of the chapter, openly discuss where you both stand in terms of dating others and other issues: how often you should talk on the telephone, how often you would try to visit one another, and what their eventual plans were for closing the distance.

Once you’ve decided on how often you will talk on the telephone, consider setting up telephone dates. Protect that time as you would a face-to-face date. Knowing in advance when exactly you’ll be talking with your partner helps remove some of the uncertainty and helps regain some control.

Step 6. Positive thinking.

When we attempted to uncover the best coping strategy for dealing with the separation, only one approach clearly stood out. Those who focused on the positive aspects of the separation were more likely to stay together and less likely to report personal difficulty dealing with distance.

Step 7. View the separation as temporary.

Couples began to view the separation in shorter blocks of time. Rather than assume that the separation would last the entire 26 months as they had originally planned, they decided that it could end in a total of 15 months if need be. This allowed them to see the time apart in smaller blocks. In the future they could reevaluate and decide either to continue at a distance or close the gap. Viewing the separation as temporary, and focusing on managing small blocks of time apart rather than large ones, helped couples cope withthe separation.

Many couples used a six-month plan to help ease them through the separation. Every six months they discussed how the relationship was progressing, how often they needed to see one another or call each other, and whether there needed to be any other change in the mechanics of their separation. Setting a date for each six-month block allowed them to focus on simply getting through those six months, rather than trying to swallow the enormity of being separated for more than two or three years.

Step 8. Acknowledge each other’s contributions.

We’ve all experienced a time when we went to great lengths to do something special for our partner, only to feel like he or she didn’t fully appreciate the effort. While this happens in both geographically close relationships as well as LDRs, it seems to affect the latter to a greater extent. LDRs require special investments that often don’t occur in other relationships. We take the time to write letters, we send little packages in the mail, we work around our schedules to catch airline flights, we drive four, five, or even six hours to spend the weekend. These events often take a fair amount of effort that can easily be overlooked when we’re on the receiving end. In any case be aware of the time and effort each of you put into the relationship, and try to genuinely show your appreciation.

Step 9. Fuzzy poles.

Many of us have our own fuzzy pole. I carried pictures in my wallet that I glanced at every time I opened it. Others wear necklaces or bracelets. Even wedding rings can function as transitional objects. Stuffed animals can make good
companions at bedtime, as do those full- length body pillows. But transforming a simple gift from your partner into a fuzzy pole takes a little effort. First, try to have something unique about the object. My partner had a stuffed bear that wore a sweatshirt from my medical school. Anything that will set the object apart from others will do.

Smell can play a pivotal role in emotion, and I recommend tapping into that power. If your partner wears a certain perfume or cologne, dab a little on your fuzzy pole. I’m always amazed at how quickly images of my partner come to mind when someone passes by wearing the same perfume. You’ll never have more direct access to the love center of your partner’s brain, so use it to your advantage.

Finally, tap into your partner’s voice. As I mentioned in an earlier chapter, I have an inexpensive digital voice memo key chain on which I have about 20 seconds of my partner’s voice. When I found myself working late at night, I would
occasionally hit the play button while running down a hallway, and her voice always picked me up.

Fuzzy poles can work for you. Virtually everyone has something that works as a transitional object, but you can (and should) work on creating the best connection possible.

Step 10. Keeping a healthy sex life while apart.

In our study, men who reported great sexual intimacy with their partners reported fewer episodes of loneliness and depression while apart.

a post on an mgg post

helo migs. kulang pa kasi yung comment ko dun sa Anovers post mo. (and sorry i dont know how to link it to this post)

to those who havent read it, Anovers is migs angst-ridden (hihi), lalim na tagalog post on open relationships. he seems so frustrated that there seems to be nobody out there who shares his ideals of monogamy and exclusivity. (i remember a drunk and distraught joan cusack, in a wedding dress, shouting "is everybody gay" in what was probably the most hilarious part of the movie 'in & out'!!!)

i am not one to shout FIDELITY being so overtly unfaithful. but there was a time i was. because i actually share migs ideals. DONT FALL OFF YOUR CHAIR, people. kainis. wag muna comment, okay?

i am catholic (practicing). i grew up with parents who have remained together for 48 yrs todate. though i recall in my childhood some jealousies, my father was never unfaithful. they remain so in love, so happy together. (cue in the music) and i have sisters who married happily, same story. nice, decent God-fearing, quality men. this is my milieu. who wouldnt want that? this is the nurture part of the story.

my love life which spans about 2 1/2 decades now involve about 8 or 9 major relationships. and in each one, i start out with that ideal in mind.

so what the f**k happened to me? well, a bit of family history, too. my maternal grandfather has children with 5 different women. he was maintaining affairs left and right. gwapo kasi. on my dad's side, i have this uncle who is also such a womanizer. this is the nature part of the story. perhaps i have this promiscuity gene in me (that skipped generations).

couple that with growing up unsure about my looks in a world obsessed with looking good. i end up with some pretty deep-seated insecurities and a need for affirmation of your physical self. (ibaba muna ang kilay)

at an earlier age, when i started to be more confident about myself, i started to feel attractive. and i started having relationships. and i start out with that ideal (monogamous and faithful). but the temptations abound. the insecurities surface, still seeking affirmation and of course, plain old LIBOG (genetic).

however, with my partner now (of 7 years), i was able to maintain a faithful relationship for the 1st 5 years. it was a combination of love, a renewed commitment to my faith, constant togetherness and communication, healthy fear of how partner would react (he has a temper and a kamao the size of my face) and a world i was integrating (family and partner).

kaso, naging LDR kami. and a critical component - constant togetherness, disappeared. so ideals became just ideals once again... pushed back as libog, landi start to express themselves with the convenience of lying and dishonesty.

SO MY POINT IS (ang haba na pala nito)... just because some of those people out there MAY have been unfaithful, one shouldnt dismiss them outright as 'unfaithful' types. i believe a lot of them still carry ideals like migs. and it takes a combination of factors for such ideals to be practiced. pretty much how all the factors converged in the 1st 5 years of my relationship with partner.

so to you migs, dear friend and classmate, two things: they are out there. they may not be practicing it now but they may actually want to, with the right partner. second: for relationships to work, justice would have to be tempered by compassion. partners may fall once. a forgiving heart is a loving heart.