an LDR site

i dedicate this to reader Tenchu as he embarks on an LDR. Succeed where I am struggling!

http://www.longdistancerelationships.com/Advice/article.asp?articleID=2

i take the liberty of editing it. a lot of steps i fall short with my partner. that will be another post! but after reading this, it really makes a lot of sense.

Step 1. Maintain a satisfying and intimate relationship.

The single most important step in staying emotionally healthy is forming and maintaining a healthy relationship with your partner. Numerous studies have shown that intimate and satisfying romantic relationships help buffer us from the usual stresses that the world hurls at us every day.

Step 2. Socialize.

The usual culprits to loneliness include being around other couples and doing activities by yourself that you would
usually think of as something couples should do; for example, going to a movie, going out to eat, or watching a favorite television show on a Friday or Saturday night.

Minimizing the amount of social isolation will lessen (but not eliminate) your feelings of emotional loneliness. Several studies on separated couples have confirmed the importance of getting out and spending time with friends.

Step 3. Find a confidant.

One study of relationships found that people who had a confidant–someone they could easily talk with about personal problems–were 10 times less likely to be depressed or lonely than those without one. Let me say early on that the confidant is not your romantic partner. The importance of that relationship has already been stressed. This confidant must be someone else, preferably someone geographically closer to you.

Step 4. Touching.

Touch is a powerful force and has some amazing effects on the body that we don’t fully understand. Touch has been shown to slow the heart rate, lower blood pressure, reduce the frequency of cardiac arrhythmias, and even help premature babies gain weight. Exactly how it accomplishes these feats is a mystery. Unfortunately, while we’re separated from our loved one we may find that the amount of touch we experience drops significantly. This lack of touch may even be partially responsible for the persistent blues that many of us report throughout the separation. The good news is that pretty much any touch helps reverse this deficit. While it would be wonderful if we could receive this touch from our partners, it’s not always possible.

One way of increasing physical touch is to seek out nonsexual contact from friends and colleagues. A simple hug can make a great emotional Band-Aid. And for those of us who can afford it, a massage is perhaps the most lavish (and very effective) way of reducing stress and gaining the benefits of touch.

Step 5. Take control.

How do you establish control? First, you need to recognize that you have a choice in your decision to separate. Granted, some of you don’t have much choice (such as military separations and those in prison), but the vast majority of us do. While it may be terribly expensive to close the distance, in either monetary or career terms, it’s still possible and you have control over that choice. In my own LDR, I realized that I made the decision every day to: 1) continue in the relationship with my partner, and 2) continue the relationship as an LDR rather than give up my career goals and move closer to her. While it would have been costly for me to simply pull up roots and move, I could have done it if I so chose. I had ultimate control over that decision.

The next way of feeling in control is to more explicitly define the parameters of the relationship. At the beginning of the chapter, openly discuss where you both stand in terms of dating others and other issues: how often you should talk on the telephone, how often you would try to visit one another, and what their eventual plans were for closing the distance.

Once you’ve decided on how often you will talk on the telephone, consider setting up telephone dates. Protect that time as you would a face-to-face date. Knowing in advance when exactly you’ll be talking with your partner helps remove some of the uncertainty and helps regain some control.

Step 6. Positive thinking.

When we attempted to uncover the best coping strategy for dealing with the separation, only one approach clearly stood out. Those who focused on the positive aspects of the separation were more likely to stay together and less likely to report personal difficulty dealing with distance.

Step 7. View the separation as temporary.

Couples began to view the separation in shorter blocks of time. Rather than assume that the separation would last the entire 26 months as they had originally planned, they decided that it could end in a total of 15 months if need be. This allowed them to see the time apart in smaller blocks. In the future they could reevaluate and decide either to continue at a distance or close the gap. Viewing the separation as temporary, and focusing on managing small blocks of time apart rather than large ones, helped couples cope withthe separation.

Many couples used a six-month plan to help ease them through the separation. Every six months they discussed how the relationship was progressing, how often they needed to see one another or call each other, and whether there needed to be any other change in the mechanics of their separation. Setting a date for each six-month block allowed them to focus on simply getting through those six months, rather than trying to swallow the enormity of being separated for more than two or three years.

Step 8. Acknowledge each other’s contributions.

We’ve all experienced a time when we went to great lengths to do something special for our partner, only to feel like he or she didn’t fully appreciate the effort. While this happens in both geographically close relationships as well as LDRs, it seems to affect the latter to a greater extent. LDRs require special investments that often don’t occur in other relationships. We take the time to write letters, we send little packages in the mail, we work around our schedules to catch airline flights, we drive four, five, or even six hours to spend the weekend. These events often take a fair amount of effort that can easily be overlooked when we’re on the receiving end. In any case be aware of the time and effort each of you put into the relationship, and try to genuinely show your appreciation.

Step 9. Fuzzy poles.

Many of us have our own fuzzy pole. I carried pictures in my wallet that I glanced at every time I opened it. Others wear necklaces or bracelets. Even wedding rings can function as transitional objects. Stuffed animals can make good
companions at bedtime, as do those full- length body pillows. But transforming a simple gift from your partner into a fuzzy pole takes a little effort. First, try to have something unique about the object. My partner had a stuffed bear that wore a sweatshirt from my medical school. Anything that will set the object apart from others will do.

Smell can play a pivotal role in emotion, and I recommend tapping into that power. If your partner wears a certain perfume or cologne, dab a little on your fuzzy pole. I’m always amazed at how quickly images of my partner come to mind when someone passes by wearing the same perfume. You’ll never have more direct access to the love center of your partner’s brain, so use it to your advantage.

Finally, tap into your partner’s voice. As I mentioned in an earlier chapter, I have an inexpensive digital voice memo key chain on which I have about 20 seconds of my partner’s voice. When I found myself working late at night, I would
occasionally hit the play button while running down a hallway, and her voice always picked me up.

Fuzzy poles can work for you. Virtually everyone has something that works as a transitional object, but you can (and should) work on creating the best connection possible.

Step 10. Keeping a healthy sex life while apart.

In our study, men who reported great sexual intimacy with their partners reported fewer episodes of loneliness and depression while apart.