was chatting with the lover of my friend, who's also my friend, at a party yesterday. he is my partner's confidante. and partner was telling him about his pain, his disappointments, his anger.
friend was relaying some of it to me last night. and my friend was totally against what i have done. chastising me for my indiscretions, blaming me for partner's pain.
"you are just so selfish for doing what you did, cc. i could understand a few sexual escapades, but my Gulay! you had an affair! you know what hurt him most? you started having that almost after he left the first time. sobra naman yan, cc. kakatihan na yan, sobra."
"and to think he left naman for his career. tapos ganyan lang ang sinukli mo."
"eh bakit hindi ikaw ang pumunta sa kanya? bakit di mo iwan ang career mo? bakit siya ang pinipilit mong bumalik dito? kung mahal mo talaga at di ka maka-tiis, ikaw ang dapat pumunta sa kanya?"
i felt anger welling up inside me. i almost got into an argument with him (ive always found him opinionated, judgmental). Thank God for the slideshow we had to watch.
7 years back. Partner and I met. I was already with this firm. he was with another. Both firms based in manila. there was no talk of leaving for another place, another country. it was all about making a life together here in manila. where we both had jobs.
2 years after. he had changed jobs and was about to embark on his master's. again, school was in manila (i was taking my master's, too, at the same school, at the same time). again, no talk about leaving, being stationed elsewhere other than manila.
Another 2 years after. he had finished school and was looking for work. his work took him luzon south. but still he would be coming home often.
Then he accepted this new job, based somewhere in the visayas. no consultations with me. he said he planned to go home every other week, anyway. but i supported him. he said it was only for 6 months, till a better job offer came.
That was two years ago. he is still there. and i dont know when he will come back. his offers are all for outside posts.
should i have been the one to leave my career and follow him? should i have left the firm i have always worked for, even before he met, a firm i am now CEO, a firm that has been good to me, a job i have always enjoyed, to live in the visayas, with no job offers? unfair pa ba ako na i am asking him to come back kasi di ko kaya na malayo sa kanya ng matagal?
and is it so wrong for me to now declare that LDR's dont work for me? and because of that, I'd like him to come back. And that i am willing to support him financially?
am i really such a horrible person?
14 comments:
Hi C.C.
Too many issues heaped on you by your "friend". On the kakatihan issue...I agree with him. Having urges and acting on these urges does not make one a horrible person. But the carelessness and lack of discretion on your part brought in all this mess. =)
On 'holier-than-though" attitude of your friend..and asking you to leave your job (which obviously, pays better than partner's?)... I disagree. TOTALLY disagree.
And not to plant seeds of suspicion on you, how sure are we that he has no flings there as well? Could be that he is more careful?
On LDRs...some say Distance Lends Enchanment....I say, Absence Makes The Heart Forget. =)
D.C.
hey dc. thanks for dropping by. appreciate the comments. may i just mention that friend is a pompous bitch? i feel good writing that. hehehe. be well, dc.
Hello! :) Honestly, if I were in your situation, I'd be confused too. It is hard for you but remember that your partner is out there alone as well. And surely, having another affair is not excuse for the distance.
But the point here is... If you keep hurting yourself and your partner, you might as well quit. It would have been understandable if that LDR was just a phase that would soon end but the duration of his stay in Visayas is still indefinite. You leaving your job is totally out of question - DON'T. If he was able to choose to leave for his career than stay with you, why wouldn't you be allowed to stay for your own job. The only wrong thing I see that you might have done was that you fell out of that relationship first - in fact, almost as soon as he left.
Weigh your options and choose. Do not prolong your suffering. 7 years may be 7 years - but what good is it if you're not happy?
Just an opinion. Feel free to not publish this. :)
~PAUL
He is obviously biased. There is no point talking to someone who has already made up his mind. Just let bygones be bygones. If anything, a relationship should not be too confined to mainstream definitions. It is a fact that people are capable of loving more than one person. The sad reality is that the degrees of affection are different for each one. What happened to you is not totally your fault. You deserve empathy for the sacrifices that you both put into your LDR. Love should transcent jealousy.
Do I sound consentedora?
Sweety don't give up your job! Especially if you like it and get paid well. You know you don't have to make a decision in haste. Give it some time. Go travel and see other places. That usually does it for me. It puts my life in perspective.
Perhaps you're feeling guilty for what you did. But don't forget that your partner has shortcomings too. The unraveling of a relationship is the fault of both parties.
Just ask yourself what YOU want. What do you really want?
Don't they say that if you love someone and let them go and if they came back that's how you know ?
Whoa. I rhymed.
thanks so much people, for taking time out to comment!
paul - i want to publish it. thanks a lot. am carefully weighing things, and making sure i am not making any hasty decisions...
quentin - you are so right. biased he is. i really needed to hear someone say that i am not totally to blame...
john - thanks, dear, for the advise. my coming trip to nyc and miami should be good for me, for us. will allow me to think this through. you are right about the guilt. still here. i carry it around. i guess i am just too guilty to see that he deserves at least some blame...
again... SALAMAT!
Medyo kakaiba rin ang friend mo, ha. I am sure he means well, but that doesn't mean he can just lay it like there's no tomorrow. Intent and outcome are so rarely coincident.
But I do wish you the best. I know what you are going through and the hurt is bound to get worse before it gets better - but it will get better, promise.
I actually have so much to say, but for now, quiet na lang akish. The others have spoken words of wisdom, so hanggang swimsuit pose na lang ako. Take care, hija. *hug*
isang malaking buntung-hininga.
i dated someone who told me he would be gone for just a month to work in south africa.
it stretched for 6 months for a job in switzerland.
and now he is in spain and he is not coming back.
i understand THE PAIN, you always wanted to be faithful pero ang hirap, lalo na pag miss na miss mo na partner mo.
*hugs*
Hi CC,
A friend recently asked me...
"Hanggang saan ka magcocompromise? Hanggang saan lang ang dapat mong i-give up?"
Beats me.
I agree with paul when he said having an affair is not and excuse for the distance.
but darling, it takes two to make a mistake.
not that we're point fingers here, but could it be na mas magaling lang talaga siya magtago ng escapades?
"i really needed to hear someone say that i am not totally to blame..."
In the bigger issue of the LDR not working, and hubby staying in the Visayas longer than first talked about: Both of you are responsible for getting to that point.
In going into a relationship with Enigma (as your way of "coping" with the LDR): The blame is not yours alone; Enigma shares in the blame.
The LDR problem was between hubby and you. Since the problem was between the two of you, it should have been solved by the two of you too.
Do I come off as a pompous bitch?
thanks, marcus! partner arriving by friday. still dont know how it will be face-to-face... maybe it wont be so bad...
fillibustero! kainis no? i mean... broken promises... so painful
tenchu! honestly, i dont know if he really has had escapades. i really cant tell. and frankly, konsiyensiya na niya yun. as for your LDR, talk about it.. talk about the questions raised by your friend...
mcvie, mcvie, mcvie... mwah, mwah, mwah. no you aint a pompous bitch dear... i
hey this post made me a little tinny teary eyed... Long Distance or not, i think there should always be and open communication line between partners and a common ground should be set, errr...
Actually i really dont know what i'm saying but can only empathize with u, kc its ur life that i have been reading so far.... i really want to find out the other end of the story from the horse's mouth, to be fair dat is... hehehe
No, naman, kc wala lang ako talgang masabi, i dont know both of u dat well so i can't really point a finger on who made the wrong move or whathave you....
But since its you, CC, dat i have came in contact with (parang close encounter d movie no, hehehe) thru ur blog, i guess i can definitely feel your "martyrd" feeling... so sory to hear this...and so sorry that late na ko nakapag comment... so everythings alright na with hubby? or what have i been missing here?
Shalom!
thanks, josh... in a perfect world you would actually be able to talk to partner and hear his issues..
i know my mistakes, josh. i just dont know if everything is totally mine...
partner arrives this morning. will fetch him at the airport later... i hope everything turns out right...
*hugs* josh
Gosh!
Ditch him CC and take me instead! LoL
He's not considering you current..
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