Tuesday, September 28, 2010

man-crush: becoming prince charming

ever since i was a baby girl i had a dream
cinderella theme crazy as it seems
always knew that deep inside that there would come a day
when i would have to wait, make so many mistakes

my feelings for him were welling up inside me. i knew i had to tell him soon. i wanted a perfectly romantic scene. i was going to propose under moonlight.

and i was prepared to hear all sorts of answers. including 'im not ready yet' 'im still working on something...' i knew that if i had to wait and work for it, i would. he is simply that special.

we were on the bed again. watching another movie that would soon be ignored as we lip-locked passionately.

our hands started to explore much farther than before. the intensity was just overwhelming.

but he still had some presence of mind. and before getting undressed, he looked at me and asked "is this what you want?"

i looked at him and saw my future.

"yes, i want this. but i want you, too. i love you"

he looked at me, looked straight into my eyes for what seemed an eternity.

"i love you, too"

finally now my destiny can begin

i play that scene over and over again. and i realize that i have finally fallen in love again. I have finally committed again.

for the final time.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

friars' bloodline

i just found out that coursing through my veins is blood from Spanish friars. my parents, my niece and i were having usual after-dinner conversation. we turned to the topic about Philippine history, particularly during the Spanish occupation. And as we discussed the 'atrocities' committed to the Filipinos by the colonizers, my mom casually mentioned that her father's grandmother was the daughter of a Spanish friar. Then my dad mentioned that his mother's grandmother was also the daughter of a friar!

and they both remarked that many relatives actually still looked very castillan, with high-bridged noses and fair skin. (i lost out on the fair skin) im amazed that im a by-product of clergy abuse, from both sides.

and were it not for their uncontrollable testosterone, which i still find deplorable, i wouldnt be around.

and that brings me to another story. did i ever tell you about this priest i knew before? ill call him paul. he is a Catholic priest i met in one of the parties of our barkada, gay parties. although he was dressed casually, he was introduced as Fr Paul to us. and he was part of a group of goodlooking PLU's. so we all had one eyebrow raised. but he was handsome. and charming. forgive us for our lustful thoughts.

i wanted a personal spiritual director and father confessor who understood me and my predicament. so i sought him out and asked him to be my confessor. we went out, i treated him to dinner and after that, he heard my confession.

he became scarce after that, though. primarily because he was being transferred from one diocese to the other. then we lost touch.

about a year after, we bumped into each other at the gym (yes, the gym) and exchanged numbers. i was surprised to get a message from him that went something like this:

hey cc. sorry i have been hard to reach. ive been busy. but also because i chose to stay away. even from that first meeting, i knew i was going to fall for you. and it wasnt going to be right. so i decided to avoid seeing you. i guess i can't really be your spiritual director. but i will always treasure you as a friend.

i couldn't answer right away. i was almost in shock. flattered. confused. weird. i simply replied that i wish him well and thanked him for the honesty.

it made me think then. would i have agreed to a relationship with a "man of God"? my impulsive nature, my attraction for him might have made me rush in. but that would have damaged me and my faith. i guess God saved me from my self.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Monday, September 27, 2010

it could have been me

im such a bad friend. i didnt even know that it was lobster's establishment that was raided, that was being twitted furiously by @jonasbagas. lobster managed to discuss with us the details of this "raid"

how they treated all the guests and staff like dirt, herded like animals into the van. how they just wanted money. plain and simple. from honest folks who just want to have a little fun. from a businessman who just wants to provide a venue. from the employees who just want to earn a living.

even as i listened to lobster tell his story, a thought was running in circles. that could have been me. i could have been one of the guests or even a lobster. i could have just felt a sudden urge and made a turn towards the bath house.

the realities of injustice seem so far away. from my comfortable life. from my happy existence. hearing a first-hand story slaps me back to thie reality of gay discrimination. again, an oft-repeated tale from jonas. he would tell me that we gays in the Phils are still a persecuted, discriminated lot. i would listen but not believe. it all seems so far.

well, its not so far. and it is real. and i dont know what i could do about it. i know i should. but i dont know what.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Thursday, September 23, 2010

childhood geek stuff

im out here on the roof deck admiring the full moon. i remember my childhood, my fascination with space, the universe, the planets. i so wanted to have a telescope so i could see those saturn rings, or even the moon's craters. though the constellations fascinated me, i could never figure out how they could connect arbitrary dots in the sky and agree among themselves that the dots look like fish, or a reclining goddess, etc.

planetarium visits organized by the school was such a highlight! i love the way you felt that you were really under a night time sky. and they outlined the planets, the constellations, the galaxies. i remember seing the effect of the aurora borealis and wishing that one day, i could see that in alaska. or the artic.

another preoccupation was dinosaurs. i love getting to know the names, the characteristics. and i would always try to imagine their proportions and how gigantic they must have been. the diplodocus, triceratops, the brontosaurus, the pterodactyls, and of course, tyranosaurus rex. my dream then was simply to go visit a museum and actually see the skeletal structure.

my pc is into astronomy, his father has a keen interest in it. they have a sizeable telescope at home. one of his first gifts to me was a picture of a half moon he took, connecting his dslr to the telescope. it was so romantic of him to do that.

with his guidance, i downloaded 'pocket universe' in my ipad. and im now enjoying real time sky viewing with its help. its amazing! the drawback, skies in manila are just so unclear so only the brightest of stars and planets reach my naked eye.

i hope to rediscover this astronomy fascination by investing in a good telescope someday. reminds me of a quotation: you are never too old to have a second childhood.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Thursdays with CC: preparation

you can never be over-prepared. i believe that. there are just too many variables to monitor and to account for. you should always feel that need, nay that compulsion, to prepare adequately for that report, that presentation, that meeting, that class.

sometimes, i note, with much disappointment, quite a number of people who go to meetings, and even their own presentations, unprepared. they dont have their reference materials with them. they didnt read the agenda ahead of time, they didnt do their homework. the worse is the way they try to pull it off, to wing it because of some ability to talk in the English language.

these people i cut down to size. i feel i am wasting my time if you didnt even bother to prepare adequately. and those moments, i could just be vicious.

by all means, prepare, prepare and prepare. you will never know where the client, the boss, the principal will be coming from when those questions start coming. and if after all that preparation, you still dont have the answers, or were still left dumbfounded, be comforted by the idea that your efforts to prepare will reap rewards soon. you will learn from the experience and read your audiences better. and be able anticipate their questions and comments more accurately.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Wednesday, September 22, 2010


what a nice stat to see first thing in the morning! ive reached this level (this sounds like some kind of video game! dude, ibang level na ako!) of 200 raiders! wow! thanks so much, all you kind people!

every day, about 3 - 4x/day, i check my comments moderation site. seeing comments just lights up my day! i become especially thrilled with more than 3 comments at a time. simple notes, thoughts as comments as so welcome. of course, i love that you share lengthier views, even if sometimes painful (hehe). though i know the blog does not encourage it as much, since it is not so much a forum but a form of self expression.

then the pressure is on to come up with a post. yes, there are days when nothing seems to pop inside my head. as mcvie puts it "grasping at straws". i try hard to come out with something relevant, read-worthy and/or thought-provoking. yet nothing comes to mind. and i feel i disappoint you. and you'll go away.

when there are topics that do light up, the challenge is how to put them on the blog. only because such sudden gusts of inspiration happen everywhere, in the car, at work, at church, in the shower. and just as suddenly, i forget them. signs of my age. sigh. ive started to put some of them down in a note but again, i cant capture a lot of them.

lastly, its the sin of omission - of not responding to your comments. im so sorry for that. priority is to read the comment, publish them. then go back to the life of cc. so i resort to reply-broadcast-to-all. just like this post. an attempt to continue communicatiing. a poor attempt. so please accept my apologies for this. i will try my darndest best.

so dear raiders, all 200 of you, and all others who may choose not to 'follow' me. and to all you anonymous ones... Thank You for continuing to take some time, some valuable time to open this li'l site and read/raid the closet. Sorry for not always responding to the comments. Sorry for some weird or stupid or emo-much posts. ill improve on these points. Or at least try. :-)

cc <3 raiders

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

passing thoughts

that last comment on my blog post made me turn red. more out of embarassment than anything else. and he is right for that is what he reads on this blog.

when i first started blogging, i was thinking of what novel experience or ideas i might contribute to this electronic world. and thinking like a marketeer, i was hoping to drive some eyeball traffic to the blog. i eventually settled on the idea of talking about my indiscretions. i was still in a relationship with my ex then. and i was gallivanting on the side. and aside from the obvious sexual pleasure i get, i was after bragging rights to some of those escapades and conquests.

i was blogging about past and present experiences, complete with an abstracted photo of my playmate. and as expected, traffic increased. eventually, i became paranoid that my ex would read the posts so i deleted them all. i saved them in some flash drive which i cannot find now.

then i became single. and all of a sudden, it was no longer a crime the things i did. so i indulged even more and used this venue as an archive of my sordid past, among other things.

i tried to communicate, however unsuccessfully, that though i was this horny bastard, i still had ideals. and those ideals i would still refer to, from time to time, reminders of a noble me. something i intended to return to.

i guess i will still be judged on the basis of all i've placed here, with more emphasis on the racy stories, on the infidelities. and i accept that now.

but one very beautiful characteristic of my prince charming is his ability to see me for who i can become, not who i was. he knows about the blog and perhaps reads it. but i never felt judged.

prince charming re-affirms the true, the good and the beautiful in cc. and i can only be grateful and aspirational.

yes, despite the past, someone out there believes i can be better in so many ways.

and i will. i am.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Monday, September 20, 2010

for keeps

wow ang saya-saya! happiness na may jowa ka na, teh! sana tumagal naman yan!

hey cc, im happy for you. how long do you think this will last?

sincere responses to my new relationship. though i admit to reacting internally with a raised eyebrow, i hold my tongue.

im playing for keeps. i didnt wait for two and a half years and dated so many guys only to play around again.

this is it for me.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Saturday, September 18, 2010

man-crush: restraint

the next few dates were just heavenly. with uncertainties gone, we were now more comfortable talking about our selves, our interests, looking for more common ground to establish a future.

i was also keeping my hands to myself. i didnt want to appear too aggressive and jump at the opportunity to make out. i bumped into mcvie one time, on one of our dates. he asked whether something has happened. i told him nothing yet. not even a kiss. in true mcvie fashion, he exclaims "impostor! you have snatched cc's body! bring him back! hahaha" i guess it is totally uncharacteristic of cc!

one time, i invited him to watch a dvd at home. though we were going to watch in my bedroom, i still managed to restrain myself from even touching him. we just sat beside each other on the bed intently watching the movie.

the movie "the stoning of soraya m" was actually a drama made heavy with its statement about the treatment of women in khomeini-iran. the stoning was particularly graphic and heart-wrenching. and with each rock thrown, he would try to look away from the tv, ending up burying his face on my shoulder.

as the movie was ending, i gingerly wrapped my arm around him. i just let him rest his head on my chest.

slowly our fingers interwined. my other hand was tenderly stroking his hair. it was a beautiful moment, just lying there.

then he raised his head and faced me. his lips found mine. the kisses turned from gentle and tender to intense and passionate.

i can never adequately describe that feeling. "rapture" seems too tame. but it went on and on. both of us just bursting with this all shared affection focused on our lips, our tongues, our embrace.

in between the kisses, we would look at each other. i would behold the beauty of his face, marvel at perfection - the nose, the lips, the eyes. i was looking at forever in his eyes.

neither of us pushed it further than that. eventually, we broke the embrace, after what seemed to be an eternity. and we came back to earth.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Friday, September 17, 2010


i was introduced to the term by this cute prof. my understanding: use of celebrities in non-show biz endeavors like political campaigns. politics becomes celebrified.

im going to be liberal in my use of the term. ill include how online personalities like bloggers become minor minor celebrities, or how they become celebrified (celebri-fried?)

the original troikasters: miggs, gibbs, mcvie, have been celebrified. when we were in cebu, another fabcast listener commented that miggs was such a celebrity.

it becomes so heartwarming to see how they have their own following (fan base?) who religiously update themselves on their status and posts.

this is one great thing about web 2.0. that this digital self expression has allowed people to access other 'ordinary' people and find stories, ideas that resonate with themselves. inadvertently, perhaps, communities blossom organically around such common interests. and just like real communities, heroes evolve, too. people you idolize and look up to. hometown heroes. local celebrities. nowhere near the magnitude of 'real' celebrities but idolized and admired nonetheless.

ordinary people are suddenly not so ordinary in their little virtual communities. just like an mgg, a gibbs, a mcvie! i wonder how they feel about their celebrity status!

conversely, the internet has made 'real' celebrities much more accessible, bringing them closer to earth. as i was browsing my fb profile, fb was 'suggesting' to me to befriend some celebrities! i was surprised to know that i have 14 mutual friends with robby taroza, 6 with monique wilson, and so on and so forth. suddenly, with one click, im able to see their photos, their posts and shout outs. and twitter, of course, does that, too. claudine barretto's complaints. sam milby's musings.

so as some are celebrified, some are brought closer. a form of democratization?

in a world like this, where celebrities become a dime a dozen, will celebrities eventually lose their luster and become mere mortals? what will become of our need to idolize, to admire and to worship?

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

a charming conversation

while on the plane...
mcvie: migs and i were talking about charm. we both agreed how naturally charming ____ could be, being so inquisitive. and then we started analyzing the charm factor of the others in the group, like you, lobster.
lobster: really? so what about me?
mcvie: yours is a studied kind of charm
cc: ouch, that's not very flattering!
mcvie: nothing wrong with that, cc! studied in the sense that lobster knows what charms the person he talks to and just turns it on.
(im thinking to myself whether that is really not so bad.)
mcvie: and so are you, cc! yours is also a studied charm.
mcvie: ive seen you with your charm off. when we talk about naturally chafming, its like its always on. so effortless. yours is not like that.
(ouch again)
mcvie: but since you know that you could charm, when you do see a person you like, you go on a charm offensive. its like you turn it all the way up.
(since you put it That way!)

charm. i wouldnt use the term on me, really. ive never felt i was 'charming'. i 'flirt' but im not 'charming'. i agree with them that charm has to be natural. so i dont agree on the 'studied' charm. that sounds ahmmm manipulative to me, pretentious and insincere.

so for me, its either you are charming or you are not. and i am not BUT i know how to flirt. flirting is deliberate. a skill i wanted to learn. and if im known as a flirt, then i know i must have been successful at learning the craft.

i guess when they think im being charming to someone, im actually flirting.

yeah... this sounds like an uninspired post. LOL

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Monday, September 13, 2010

cebu, salamat!

we are back in manila. most of us are. im happy about the turn out of the threesome launch. it gave me a glimpse of the cebu plu community, of which i still
l cannot ascertain its size. the interaction we had with them was admittedly very limited.

manila and cebu. i believe we were still both unsure of each other. we were still assessing each other. a few cross-overs were admirable! many of us wanted to reach out. but in the end, the time was too short.

the experience just challenges us to continue what we have started. to continue to reach out and build bridges.

to cebu and your wonderful representatives, daghang salamat! i'd love to experience your friendship much more!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Sunday, September 12, 2010

man-crush: my gift of honesty

the next few dates we had were just sweet and beautiful, enjoying durian together, watching a musical, him helping me with my gadget issues. the love seed planted in my heart had slowly began to take root and grow. i would have these nice conversations with him. and i would sometimes just find myself tongue tied, gazing at his lovely face.

i knew that the time was coming for me to finally tell him what i felt, to declare my intentions, less he misinterpret all my actions as simply friendly. timing was all i needed now.

it finally happened at the end of that one date, as i was bringing him to the spot where his driver will fetch him. i was fidgeting the whole time before that, waiting for the right time.

i have something to tell you. ahm.


ive grown very very fond of you the past few weeks. and...


ahmm. (i was stammering now) i'd like to say that i want...
that i would want ... i mean, i would like to pursue this to another level.

oh i see (a slight smile on those lovely lips)

im getting to like you so much and id still want to get to know you more ahmmm and see if we could get to ... ahhm.. a commitment. sheesh i feel like a 16yo!

(he breaks into a wide grin) cc, i'd also want to see this develop that way.

(suppressing my delight) ah oh wow, thats great! i mean i dont want to rush this. and id like to do this at your pace. oh gosh, im stammering again

(he laughs) you are so cute. sure, cc, lets get to know each other more and see how feelings develop... thank you for the honesty.

you deserve only the truth about how i feel.

i was jumping up and down... inside my head! im going to play my cards right. yes, this is it.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
i never got to see the movie. will probably download me a copy soon. its just that today, this morning i am fillled with this overwhelming sense of gratitude.

its a beautiful sunny day here in cebu. im enjoying the free breakfast and the upgrade in the hotel. ive just spoken to my parents who remain healthy and cheerful. i'm comforted by the love of my prince charming though he is in manila. later ill be having much fun with fellow fabs and friends in our last day in cebu. and i turn to the blog, my humble blog to read raiders, friends really, who still take time to read this.

today, i do not have to pray "a grateful heart create within me, o Lord". im one great big heart of thanks.

i only have the Almighty to thank for all these undeserved blessings. i still refer to these as undeserved because whatever good things i may have done are more than offset by the things i have done that i shouldnt have, the things i should have done. that propels me, compels me to live a life trying to deserve the blessings every day.

i hope that i will remember this feeling throughout the day and be conscious of spreading love and cheer. i guess that is the reason why i now pray "a steadfast spirit create within me, too, o Lord". the there might be constancy in this feeling of gratitude all the days of my life.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Thursday, September 9, 2010

man-crush: the gift of poetry

the text messages and talks over the landline continued. we woudl talk about a lot of things. but never about what i do or what i have done and achieved. its like it didnt really matter to him, all these "impressive" credentials i could start laying down. i must admit i was eager to talk about it if only to impress him, to make him feel like im somebody. we'd talk about ourselves on different planes. emotions, frustrations, secrets, favorite things. and it puzzled me he was so different from everyone else.

i woke up one morning to see his email. the poem "the invitation". a poem he treasures and he decided to share with me at 630 in the morning. reading that poem made me weak in the knees so early. i blogged about it.

It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

it answered all my questions. i realized then that i was a fool to think he was just an ordinary guy whose interest with me was ordinary as well. here was a person who wanted to experience me without the labels, the trappings, the baggage.

here was a person who wanted to know me based on my present, not my past, no matter how glorious or maybe even shameful.

i found him.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Paseo de Roxas,Makati City,Philippines

Monday, September 6, 2010

a post script

i posted this a few months back a bloggers tale about this grindree with a not-so-high regard of bloggers.

i recently got a text from cutie
hi. curious about something... i was going through my entire ipod playlist when i chanced upon a podcast i downloaded some years back, featuring Migs the manila gay guy and several other people. i just listened to it again after all these years and am wondering.. Are you the same CC who's in the show? if so, kudos to all of you! if not, just ignore this!

of course i told him that i was THAT cc

well, congratulations on your well put-out shows.

that made me smile and made me proud. and to think he made me seriously reconsider my blogging!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

cebu over the weekend

and for cebu raiders, fabcasters are swinging by cebu this weekend.

details are here

so if you feel like saying hello, please do! don't worry. we don't bite. not unless you want us to. LOL

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

SAHC: kilabot ng mga bading

back in my time, the term 'kilabot ng mga kolehiyala' was part of the vernacular. it referred to the super-hot guy who could make the college girls swoon and drop their panties without resistance. hence, this guy must be 'feared'.

in our batch, there were quite a number of cuties and hotties, but i have to admit that chris was probably the kilabot. he was a varsity football player. broad shouldered, tapered waist and hips. strong legs. strong jaw and chin. chinito. and since he wore glasses, he was our version of clark kent/superman.

when he first started being 'cute' with me, (pa-cute kung baga), my first impulse was to be aloof. he was too gorgeous to be taken seriously, i thought. but soon, he became serious. we'd talk over the phone. meet after class. he'd walk me to my ride. the things that make a girl's (and a gel's) knees weak.

we even went out on dates. an ice cream date then was such a big deal.

and i knew i was the envy of badingdom. i would share the juicy details to nathan, to nandy and gerry, more for bragging rights than anything else.

and when i finally answered him, i was really feeling like a girl. he'd really treat me specially. there were times he'd visit me in the house. i remember a saturday afternoon in his house, listening to music. making out. (but not having sex)

i can't recall now why we broke up. but we did. and i didnt really feel so bad about it. i was so sure of myself then.

chris became close to beth next. and soon they were an item. and beth fell for him so bad that until now, yes until now, i believe he carries a torch for him! when that relationship went south, chris became chummy with nathan. and they also became a couple. and nathan fell hard for him, too. though i think nathan got over him after college.

i look back at him and think to myself that he was quite a catch then. and i wear it like a badge that i was the first he pursued.

some friends say that he is a shadow of what he was then. no matter. it's the memory of chris that i'd like to keep fresh.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

man-crush: the meet-up

i had a brief window after my class and before a date. his invite for coffee was quickly arranged. weird thoughts were running through my head. what if he turns out to be another mr ripley? what if he stands me up? but these were balanced by reassuring thoughts of our conversations.

i raced up to the second floor of the starbucks outlet to see him, pouring over his books.

he is real. he is as he declared himself to be. he is as beautiful as i have seen in his pics. i went up to him, introduced myself and offered my hand for a handshake.

i didnt want to disturb him much, knowing he was actually studying. but he gamely entertained me, even as he ate his late lunch.

we kept it at a certain level. geek level. as i asked him stuff about the iPad, apps, etc., him being a certified geek & gadget guy. it was a safe topic. i was trying to gauge any attraction, now that he has seen me, too. i wasn't sensing much though. we stayed at that topic until the time i had to leave.

it was all very... professional, courteous and polite. and it left me all the more confused.

i texted him after, inviting him for dinner. he agreed "when our schedules meet."

nevertheless, i still liked him. i liked him more. i still want to pursue this. all the more.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

the Vatican and the Homosexual

a dear reader shared his research on the 'official Vatican stand' on Homosexuality. Thank you so much for the effort!

"Homosexuality refers to relations between men or between women who experience an exclusive or predominant sexual attraction towards persons of the same sex. It has taken a great variety of forms through the centuries and in different cultures. Its psychological genesis remains largely unexplained. Basing itself on Sacred Scripture, which presents homosexual acts as acts of grave depravity, tradition has always declared that "homosexual acts are intrinsically disordered." They are contrary to the natural law. They close the sexual act to the gift of life. They do not proceed from the genuine effective and sexual complementarity. Under no circumstances can they be approved."

Take note, the Catholic Church do not discriminate homosexuals. What the Catholic Church tells us is that because of natural law, any homosexual act is not consented, nor in any manner will they be approved.

Natural law is about what your inner being is telling you. Normally, if you are not feeling okay with a particular thing, something in you tells you so, unless you already hardened your inner being from these dictates.

"The number of men and women who have deep-seated homosexual tendencies is not negligible. This inclination, which is objectively disoriented, constitutes for most of them a trial. They must be accepted with respect, compassion, and sensitivity. Every sign of unjust discrimination in their regard should be avoided. These persons are called to fulfill God's will in their lives and if they are Christians, to unite to the sacrifice of the Lord's Cross the difficulties they may encounter from their condition.

Homosexual persons are called to chastity. By the virtues of self-mastery that teach them inner freedom, at times by the support of disinterested friendship, by prayer and sacramental grace, they can and should gradually and resolutely approach Christian perfection."


nuff said.

when we were all still single Parts II & III

ang pagpapatuloy....

Download this Fabcast (right click and save)

Download this Fabcast (right click and save)

Music credits:

Singles, Part 2

* Material Girl by Madonna
* Intro by The XX

Singles Part 3

* Learn To Be Lonely (live at the Oscars) by Beyonce
* Learn To Be Lonely (“The Phantom Of The Opera” Original Soundtrack) by Minnie Driver

Good Luck

im not sure but are people generally aware that the appropriate greeting for newly weds (newly committed) is 'best wishes'?

I myself used to interchange that with 'congratulations' until someone explained to me that even 'congratulations' sounds tacky. it connotes performance achievement. and that is not necessarily the best way of looking at personal relationships. like having 'earned' it somehow. working hard to finally be in a relationship or to get married. not very romantic, is it?

then there's 'good luck!' as a greeting. if people wish you 'good luck', they wish that luck is on your side. you will need it. the task at hand will be challenging. or the road difficult. and you will need all the luck you can muster.

this is hardly the appropriate greeting for someone in a new relationship. 'good luck because you'll need it, dear'. it's like walking towards imminent doom.

friends of PC, three of them, greeted him with 'good luck' when they learned he is now in a relationship... with cc.

wth? lol

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Thursday, September 2, 2010

the paradox

in my journey as a gay Catholic man, i have passed through many junctures in my life where i felt choice had to be made between the two: being gay and remaining Catholic. this blog, and my friends, have witnessed the seemingly never-ending conceptual tussles i have had reconciling the two. and i have swung from one end to the other, thinking they represent two ends in my life-pendulum.

im now at a point where i realize that there is no reconciliation between the two. they will always stand on opposite grounds. but what has changed for me is that i do not have to be caught in between them anymore.

rather, my mind has grown larger to encompass both of them. i am both gay and Catholic and neither of the two either.

confusing? the label 'gay' describes my sexual behavior and preference but not all of it. the label 'Catholic' describes my faith and my behavior but, again, not all of it.

not identifying "me" with these labels exclusively allows me to explore a wider space where none of these labels are. and freed from that, i now see a horizon of co-existence, an intersection where none exists before.

and ultimately that intersection is where my peace lies.

if i could do that to those opposing ideas, i could probably do that to so many others and multiply my peace.

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man-crush: the gift of song

he first surprised me with an email of music he enjoyed. he sent a link to downloadable files of beautiful classical music. four albums he uploaded for me to enjoy. the accompanying letter was short but signed with affection.

the music was moving, exquisite, tender. as only classical music, specially piano music could be. i was utterly delighted. and amazed. he is only in his twenties yet he enjoys the beauty of old world music. i called him an old soul.

then, another surprise the following day. as i was in his area, he invited me to coffee finally! he made it before my self-imposed deadline. it seemed like he was ready to meet me.

and after having stared at his fb pictures for dozens of times, i will be finally seeing him face to face.

Location:Emilio Aguinaldo Hwy,Tagaytay City,Philippines

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

my coming out story again

im reposting my coming out story, told as part of my tribute to my mom during mother's day, 2008. this is in solidarity with theorgy's call for a september 1 a collective blogging event

unfortunately, i didnt sign up. sorry, theorgy. but id like to contribute anyway. so here goes...

Sunday, May 11, 2008

happy nanay day!

i'm probably one of the world's luckiest sons. and i say that with all objectivity. i have a nanay who's so Gloria Romero (def: barkada term for consenting mother, taken from the 80's sitcom Palibhasa Lalaki where Gloria played a drunken consenting motherhen). though she wasn't always as 'agreeable' to my life choices.

she has always been a housewife to my father, raising a brood of six kids as my dad visited his clinics. she honestly had to learn motherhood the hard way, having married at 22yo, and 4 brothers as siblings. and a polio victim at that.

but raised us she did! and we learned how to be OC-OC from her (def: obsessive compulsive disorder). she wanted order and cleanliness.

i guess she must have suspected of my PLU ways when i was more interested in my sister's Barbie dolls than in the toy machine gun tatay got for me. hihihi. (this period i outgrew my affection for girls and my yaya's boobs. hahaha) and in high school when my friends were all badings, she did say something like "hijo, yung mga barkada mo, para silang bakla. baka mahawa ka. ibahin mo na lang." i staunchly defended my barkada, for i loved them so. and she never mentioned them again. so coming out to her was really no big surprise.

but i assumed she went through denial. but there was no denying it anymore when my sister brought to her attention a letter i wrote to one of my friends. this was when i was in 1st year college. and the barkada had broken up (almost all of us went to different schools). so we would write letters to each other. and i stupidly left on the typewriter (!?!) my ultra, mega-bading letter to her, with all the gayspeak! yes. no more denying. she held a family caucus while i was going to mass. they confronted my blossoming sexual orientation. and agreed to support me but only after nanay and tatay had discussed this with me.

i noticed that week that something was amiss. i was being quietly avoided. which was fine with me. but come saturday afternoon, my mom asked to talk to me.

nanay on the kitchen table, 'nagpipili ng bigas' (def: the rice grains bought from the market didnt used to be as cleanly milled. one had to use flat shallow basket (bilao) to lay the grains out and pick the unmilled grains or the deformed ones for disposal). maintaining her composure, though i know she had been crying previously.

'anak, yung mga barkada mo... sila ba ay...' i finished the sentence for her... no, i cut her with an immediate reply: 'opo.. lahat kami bading.' 'aaah' she calmly responded.

'gusto mo ba ng tulong? baka gusto mo ng psychiatrist?'

'di po. natanggap ko na eto. kung dati, siguro, makakatulong yun. pero ngayon, acceptance na lang ang hihingiin ko.'

'eh pano yan, di ba kasalanan sa Diyos yan?'

'bahala na po ang Diyos sa akin. gusto ko lang na alam niyo na at di ko na kailangan i-lihim pa.'

'okay. sige hijo. tatapusin ko pa 'to.' i stood up and left.

that was the start of her acceptance of who i was, her first-born son, the son who carried both grandfathers' names in his own name, a true 'the Third'.

her life journey also took her to Opus Dei where she became an incorporator. OD calmed her down, gave her resilience and a barkada of her own, until now. and though i thought OD would turn her into a preachy minister, giving me sermons on the 'gay path to hell', she never did.

she did tell me that she struggled reconciling her new-found fervor with the Catholic Church and her acceptance of my sexuality early on. but she remembered having a dream where she looked inside my bag and saw a Crucifix. she interpreted that dream to be a message telling her I was okay.

ill never forget how comforting that story was. and how that shaped my own belief in a Benevolent Jesus who loves me and accepts me.

so ive always been soooo close to her. ive taken it upon myself to take care of her, of them. and i love making her laugh, making her happy. i make it a point to have dinner with them as often as i could. and they know all my exes, and those that matter. they give me their own assessments which i value. (even as i write this post intentionally talking about just nanay, i couldnt. because nanay and tatay, they really are one now.)

nanay, thank you for being the best ever mom a gay man could ever have. i know im the envy of almost everybody, with the kind of relationship we have, with the kind of nanay i have. thank you for the genes of beauty and brains i got from your side of the family. =) thank you for accepting me, warts and all. thank you for your tears, worrying about me all this time. thank you for your smile, that i love seeing. thank you for the faith you have instilled in me. thank you for the education that has brought me here. and thank you for showing me what unconditional love REALLY means. i love you, nanay.

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man-crush: mixed signals

we would exchange texts from time to time since then. but sometimes, i would still wonder whether he is just being polite or if there is some real interest. when we talk over the phone, i usually ask the questions. a lot of answers i get from him only reinforce my blossoming affection for him. on top of that is his sexy voice, impeccable grammar and excellent diction. and his gorgeous pics in his profile. but this would be dampened from time to time by delayed replies and, delaying tactics to meeting up.

there was a time that my schedule permitted me to be in his area. but suddenly something seemingly came up and he couldnt make it, yet again. i was getting disheartened. then out of the blue, he would text me, wanting to talk to me, even for a bit. that would melt me all over again.

i finally decided to put a time limit to this. if he still doesnt want to meet up, then i must give up.

before the deadline, i receive a totally unexpected gift from him, delivered straight to my doorstep, a dvd of a movie we were talking about the previous night! i was floored by the sweetest gesture.

is he into me or not?

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad