A Question A Gay (Keeps Ignorance Away) #1

I was recently give this very special photobook, published by the UP Center for Women's Studies in coordination with Babaylanes, Inc. and UP Babaylan. The Project Director himself gave me my cherished copy.


Anong Pangalan Mo Sa Gabi? at iba pang tanong sa mga LGBT is a compilation of questions asked of members of the LGBT, scribbled on a board, held by the member who contributed that question, then dramatically photographed in the beautiful UP Campus by Rod Singh. They also wrote the answers to the questions, presented beside their photographs. Kudos to editors Tetay Mendoza and Joel Acebuche!

It is an amazing collection of provocative, poignant photos and text, all resonating in the chambers of the LGBT heart. The book is available at selected shops, like Popular Bookstore along Tomas Morato Ave. in QC and online thru goodreads

The book inspired me to begin a series of posts around the book. I have asked permission from the project director to post excerpts from the book. The excerpts are personally chosen, and are not faithful to the pagination of the book.

AQAG #1


Kanino mo yan namana?

I love the way he answered: Nung chineck ko, wala naman sa last will and testament ni Lolo.

The nature vs nurture debate remains hanging. Personally, I know of some LGBT relatives from both sides of the family. But could sexual attraction really be passed on genetically? The last time I read, there seems to be some biological differences between a section of heteresexual and homosexual adult male brains. But that is hardly conclusive. And one can always argue that the environment could have been the cause of the difference.

On a deeply personal note, I have always felt that my sexual attraction could not have been 'developed' or learned. Something as deep as a yearning for another man could not have been planted from outside ("inceived" hehehe). I must have been born this way. (cue in Lady Gaga). At the least, it is congenital. Maybe.

What about you? What do you feel?


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Despair and hope

To be so hopeless and totally in despair...

That must have been how the Jews were feeling after having been subjugated by Rome. The utter humiliation of having these foreigners suddenly becoming your rulers, your leaders. They were a proud nation, definitely. For hundreds of years, they have felt so special as a people. They have had kings handpicked by their God to lead them to prosperity. They won battles, won lands and riches. That was their heritage. Because of that faith in their God.

All that is gone now. It has been decades since the last humiliating defeat. Yes, they retain their 'king', but he reigns and does not rule. A puppet of the Roman government to keep them at bay. But they are so far from what they were before, from what was promised to them. And it seems that there really is no relief from this.

They toil, daily. They labor under alien masters. But very little of what they reap and harvest, of what they produce actually becomes theirs. They are paid as taxes to the conquerors. And they can't complain. They are lucky to be kept alive anyway.

These are dark times. And though they are well-versed in the law and rules of conduct, they only have contempt for those who enforce their religion, those hypocritical religious elders. They see them corrupt, pandering to the Romans so they could keep their status in society, their wealth and their creature comforts. All the while, they help the Romans keep them at bay, to stop any insurrection. They use religion, the law of Moses to be submissive.

What hope is there? Why even bother to be good in these times? So they themselves lose their moral compass. It is survival. It is just a matter of getting by. And sometimes that would mean cheating a bit on the wages, or their collections. Or bribing themselves out of problems. They can't even turn to their elders for direction.

Dark times indeed. Even for those who still have some good in them, some sense of righteousness. Even for them, the flame glows weakly. It doesn't help them any to be moral and virtuous. The cunning ones, the ones that take advantage, these are the ones that thrive and prosper. So they are tempted on a daily basis. And as much as they want to believe in some good in others, they only see wretchedness.

Such hopeless times.

Yes, there used to be talk of someone who would bring them out of this slavery. Someone who will rule again with justice and might. Someone who will be able to a beacon for all them, a light in the darkness. He will establish the might of their nation and vanquish the tyrants. And goodness and right will be rewarded again. But talk of those prophecies have long since died. No one is coming. We are all doomed to die.

Especially for those at the lowest rungs of their hierarchical society, shepherds, farmers. What hope is there for them?

Then on a cold night, a flash of light, a brilliance engulfs them and fills them not with fear and dread, but of joy! They look about and see in fronf of them, men garbed in dazzling clothes, beautiful, a sight to behold. They could only be... angels! With the most beautiful voices.

Suddenly they are all around. And their leader, this head 'angel', approaches them and greets them. They feel so ashamed of the way they look, their smell, their clothes. But the angels have taken no notice of that. There is only just joy in their faces, in his face, in his smile, in his voice.

"I bring you good news! The prophecy is true, my friends! Yes, that old, old story of one who will be born to lead this nation into greatness again. He will destroy the shackles that bind you. He will free you from the oppressors. He will be a true leader, righteous and benevolent. That person is about to be born. The future king, your future king! I give you a sign: a virgin has given birth, the child-king wrapped in the most humble clothes is there! Go! Pay homage to him! God is no longer hiding and distant. God is with us!"

And for the first time in their lives, there is hope, real hope.

Merry Christmas! God is with us!


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Boracay once again

c3 and I spent a Novembe weekend in Boracay. I can never go tired of the place. It's something that c3 and I want to do on a yearly basis.

This trip became some sort of gastronomic search and discover adventure. Thanks to TripAdvisor and the other write-ups, we shortlisted restos we wanted to try for this trip.

We agreed with the top of the TripAdvisor list: Sunny Side Cafe. We ended up going there thrice! The cafe is located within Boracay Sands Hotel in Station 3.







I enjoyed my Chorizo with rice (choriburger without the buns. hehe). c3 liked his Corned beef. But we kept coming back for the amazing Mango-Calamansi pie. Perfect mix of sweet and sour. Mango bits in a dulce de leche.

Another one on the list was Paupatri Restaurant. The food reviews were quite mixed. But the ambiance seemed to be a drawer. Getting there from the back road was a lot easier.

The place was on stilts, with long wooden pathways that lent to its charm. You need to deposit your footwear at the lobby part.





The choicest seating areas are actually alcoves for big groups. And you sit on the floor. We went there mid-afternoon so we had one of those to ourselves, just the two of us. The waiters were very attentive, but with an attitude, a stiff upper-lip attitude. (or is it just me?)

I do have to agree with some of the reviews. The food is over-priced though it is tasteful. We had the garlic prawns and chicken tinola. But for the ambiance, I would still recommend that you try to this place out when in Boracay.

It certainly is not easy to find, coming from the beachfront. You actually go through this narrow corridor just to get to the place.





The last place we tried was along the back road. Cork is basically wine and tapas bar, located in Boracay Regency Lagoon, but you will see the Henann sign more prominently.

The place is small, intimate, cozy. We enjoyed the wine, cheese and cold cuts platter. Some of the guests were nice enough to say hello to us. And they mentioned that we missed Tony, the owner. He is usually around to chat with guests. That explains the very 'homey' feel of the bar.

My only regret is that it is not on a beachfront. It would have been lovely enjoying that during sunset.

Check the places out the next time you are in the world's best beach!


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Frotteur Buffet

I just recently heard of this story.

Do you know about what happens in the last train car of the LRT/MRT, especially during rush hour? It has become a buffet for groping and grabbing. Bekis and others into this would 'gravitate' towards that last car. And the rush of passengers getting into the train becomes the venue for crotch-grinding.

It is supposedly so democratic. From corporate DILF's to college hipsters to BPO fashionistas to transgenders. Take your pick. They all want to crowd it out with everybody else.

Then once inside, with all those bodies and crotches pressing against you, lower that hand and let your fingers do the walking. Nobody is supposed to complain. It's part of the experience.

I guess these guys ain't complaining about the train services. Hihihi

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Dealing with the ways of the world

"And the master commended that dishonest steward for acting prudently.
For the children of this world
are more prudent in dealing with their own generation
than the children of light.” - Luke 16:8

I remember an FB wall post from a friend of mine. She narrated her encounter with a taxi driver. He was a chatty one, and for a while the conversation was engaging enough not to notice the traffic. Then he started talking about his sob stories. She became suspicious of the direction of the talk. She felt strongly that he was trying to get her to give a good tip. She was feeling manipulated. She asked her FB friends whether she should give a tip, and let the driver feel that he 'put one over' another passenger again.

The situation brings to mind how sometimes, I berate myself for falling prey to the schemes of people. Yes, like my friend, I hate the feeling of being manipulated, and deep down, of feeling stupid enough, or not smart enough, to figure out what was going on. I should have been wilier, not that trusting, etc. etc. But this verse from yesterday's gospel reading reminds me that I shouldn't be so hard on myself. Perhaps in my journey towards living a more Christian life, I would start to see things less on an earthly plane. And because of that, I will be less crafty or witty or street-smart. I will miss out on certain cues and fall victim at times. But that should be less a judgment on my intellect than an affirmation that I am on the right direction. Maybe.


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Carrying Life's Burdens

"Whoever does not carry his own cross and come after me
cannot be my disciple." - Luke 14:27

Recently, I heard someone argue that during the time Jesus uttered these words to the crowds, he hadn't been crucified yet. Then how could he talk about 'carrying your cross'? Our parish priest explained that though the crucifixion had not happened yet, crucifixions for criminals have been around. These criminals carry their own 'tools for death', Jesus would have been understood by the crowds with the reference.

He further mentioned that most people consider their personal miseries as their 'crosses' - a debt burden, a dysfunctional family situation, work problems. And they whine about these publicly, as their way of 'following Christ' by 'carrying this burdens.'

He dare said that behavior and attitude is a superficial understanding of the gospel. Life burdens are certainly not the exclusive domain of Christians, or Catholics. So how could bearing with these burdens become our way to salvation? He emphasizes that the burden, though shared with other faiths, must be differentiated by the way we carry it. The challenge for Christians is to NOT feel weighed down, not to whine and lament. We should carry that cross as if it didn't weigh a thing. We should continue to be the same person, with or without that cross. That is true discipleship.

Besides, Jesus does say that such burdens should be 'cast unto him' so that these would be lighter. Believing in Him and his power to 'lighten the load' differentiates us. Our personal adversities do not have to be painted on our faces everyday. We should carry our own cross and nobody has to know about it.



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SAHC: the commercial model

Nathan rightly predicted that a blog post would appear regarding another batch mate of ours after that FB add. LOL

Clarence was one of the truly handsome batch mates. And he knew it. He was always so well-groomed, so porma... so metrosexual even before the term existed. I don't even recall him being athletic. He was just maporma. He gained 'fame' when he starred in a commercial for sardines. But other than that, he was a regular student, one of the straight guys with his barkada, with their pre-occupation with girls, etc. So he wasn't one of those who was considering having a relationship with any of us girls.

My only 'encounter' with him was unpleasant. I remember being asked by the Principal to go to their class (he belonged to another section) to announce something. Being still very defensive about being labeled as bakla, I knocked on the door quite abrasively. There was no teacher around. When he saw me at the door, he walked up to open it in a very attention-getting fashion, pa-cute and pa-porma. In a modulated voice, he asked me how he could help. He was obviously trying to be charming to this bakla at the door, in front of the class.

I was incensed. I barked at him and just mouthed off my announcement. I quickly turned around and marched away, indignant. But I could remember him saying something and the whole class erupting in laughter.

I didn't know what it was. Nathan later told me that when I answered so meanly and turned around, Clarence turned to class and said "suplada!" (bitch) That made the class roar.

Funny how this small situations become embedded in my mind, how such casual words thrown out could have such long-lasting impact!

Recently, he added me on FB. And surprisingly, instead of anger, I felt kilig (sorry. no English translation!) He was actually still quite handsome, based on the photos. So I messaged the group in Viber to share my feeling. Yes, middle-aged fags still feel kilig.

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The PLU Catholic. The Start.

I have started to start small. I believe in letting it grow organically. Or through divine intervention.

I created a secret group in a social media network. I figured that the first step would be online, to make it less 'intimidating'. I will post some of my previous blogposts there. Then I start inviting friends and raiders who may wish to be part of it.

An online group breaks geographic boundaries, noting that some raiders who responded are not Manila-based. If you would like to be part of it, send me an email.

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SAHC: the soccer jock

I had a vivid dream about a high school bf. We were finally hanging out, after all these years of totally no communication (roughly 30+ years). And it was light and great. It was nothing erotic, but admittedly, there was that kilig. I recall talking about our friends and just having a good time. Then I woke up.

I'll call him Chris. He was a soccer player in high school. He was a transferee (as I recall), from one of the provincial 'branches' of the school. Academically, nothing impressive. He belonged to another section of the batch. You wouldn't have noticed him right off. But if you looked closer, behind the glasses and the (sometimes) untidy uniform coming from playing lunch soccer games, he is actually quite handsome.

It happened during third year high school. This was the time that the batch 'transformed' to being quite accepting of relationships with the gay batch mates.

(for a more comprehensive take on this, see this post.)

As far as I remember, I was the first among the beki barkada Chris approached. I cannot even recall the first encounter. I'm now wondering how our paths could have crossed: different sections, different social groups. But it happened. He started taking an interest in me, talking to me after class, getting my phone number, going out on dates (Saturday afternoons).

I was enamored. He was handsome, athletic. He had the build, naturally broad-shouldered, tapered hips, strong and muscular thighs and legs. He was good-natured, too. And the beki barkada found him attractive, too. Peer approval. actually Peer envy. The best reason. LOL

We became an item. I do have memories of Saturday afternoon with him at his house, in his parent's bedroom, listening to popular jazz (popular then) and canoodling, tickling. One particular time, I actually fell off the bed. And he peered from the edge, looked at me, with his mischievous smile and disheveled hair. He was so gorgeous that picture is stuck in my mind.

Faintly, I remember it wasn't perfect either. There were tampuhans. Maybe too many. Soon enough, we called it quits. Maybe I did. I can't recall. But what I do remember was that it was not a good break-up. We stopped talking. I think he was the last boyfriend I had in high school.

Chris went on to have relationships with other bekis. One was from this lower batch. Then eventually, with two of my close friends from the barkada, in succession. I don't know who came first: was it Nathan or Romee? One of that carried over to college, I am guessing. But both didn't last too long. The peculiar thing is that both Nathan and Romee were so into him that years after their relationships, they were still pining for him. Romee had it worse. Decades after, he would still be talking about him and what transpired even as Chris continued on as a straight man, married, with family.

Fast forward to present-day. We have all gotten over Chris. But we still fondly recall the euphoria of our joyous high school days, and Chris would always be part of the conversation. Social media brought us back to being in touch with our straight batch mates. Romee would become the beki most immersed in batch alumni activities.

One time, he told us that Chris found his way into the batch' FB page. He started adding up class mates, including Nathan and Romee. Based abroad, with wife and kids, he was stable, actually successful. He was eager to keep in touch with Romee and Nathan.

At the start of the year, he came home to celebrate his silver wedding anniversary in a grand way. He made sure he invited Romee and Nathan. We were all curious about how they would be introduced to the other guests. But beyond that, we all have been curious how all of our straight classmates feel now about what happened during high school. How did they 'rationalize' the relationships they had with us? Did it lessen their 'masculinity'? Or were they in denial of it? The presence of Nathan and Romee at the wedding was going to answer some of those questions, hopefully.

I must hand it to Chris. He treated both of them specially. He made sure that there would be a catch-up dinner for the three of them before the wedding. According to Nathan, Chris was so genuinely happy to see them. And there was no denial of the past. He talked about what transpired in the past so naturally. But more importantly, he was just happy to be in touch and to know what was happening in their lives.

During the wedding reception, he was introducing them as his ex boyfriends. Seriously. He would tell his wife and son, his relatives that he had a gay past "nung naging bakla ako". It would actually be said in jest. People would laugh. I guess there was some incredulity in the story because Romee and Nathan were not exactly straight-acting. Actually, far from it. But nobody asked questions. My friends didn't feel uncomfortable either. Chris made sure of that. He also touched base with some other bekis from the barkada. Well, except me.

I don't know if he still carries a grudge. Or because I use a different handle as my personal FB account and made it hard to find. I have seen his FB profile appear on my page for a while. I even checked it out to see how he looks. He looks his age. But you could still discern some handsomeness somewhere.

I've held out in trying to be the first to add him. A part of me wants him to do it first and another part is actually scared that he might even reject me as an FB friend #pridechicken. So I'm still weighing things.

Chris, many years after, has proven why three of us were smitten by him. He has shown that he really is a wonderful guy, so comfortable and relaxed and cool about high school life. He would always be a highlight of that part of my life.



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Pining

I was back in Baguio City last week for work. I had a whole morning and afternoon to myself. So I tried to be spontaneous and checked out some 4square suggestions.

I had breakfast at 50's Diner along Leonard Wood. I was here years back with a date. Hihihi. The place remains stuck in time. And so is the menu. Haha. The food I got is nothing to rave about (Pancake sandwich) but I had it 'deconstructed' so it was served as pancakes with sidings. hehe.

Then I made the mistake of deciding to go to the BenCab Museum after. Yes, a mistake because Asin Road is under major repair. There was like 500 meters of rough road. I feared for the belly of my lowered car. Expert chauffeur managed to navigate with minimal grating.

I must say, though, that the museum was so worth it, starting with the place itself. The modernist building looks over a valley.

The sight of the luscious foliage was already inspiring.

The art on display blew me away. Though I am no art critic, BenCab's own works just moved me. I love his palette choices. To my untrained eye, his works didn't seem to come from one person.

See how those yero rooftops take on beauty in geometry.

She is not the famous Sabel, BenCab's muse. I love that expression on her. "I am not here. I am somewhere else."

This reunion filled me with longing. They all bury their faces into each other.

The gallery also displays works of other artists. It had a 'masters exhibit' featuring national artists (Joya, Magsaysay-Ho stood out for me). And, I believe some up and coming artists as well. I managed to capture one was he was putting the finishing touches to his work. This brings to mind 'Attack of the Killer Tomatoes.' But this time, the fruits are the victims. (Which they really are?)

That brief visit made me want to indulge my eyes in more art. I'll ask c3 to accompany and do some gallery/museum hopping soon.

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The PLU Catholic: What next?

Sorry for the delayed follow-up to the posts. Life got in the way. LOL But now that I have some me-time, I'll continue percolating this idea. I received a few responses to the query, all encouraging.

I wrote my friend-priest about it. Even sent him the posts and the survey summary. He liked the idea and pretty much encouraged me to pursue it. He would have been perfect as the spiritual director or guide of the group. But he is based abroad. And he was quite unsure whether he could actually lend his time for it. As he explained it, he enjoyed our personal conversations about matters of faith, because we were friends. He felt comfortable expressing his 'viewpoints'. But 'leading' a group of PLU's is another matter for him. He wouldn't know how his superiors would react if they found out. He suggested looking for other religious who may be so inclined. Maybe not even priests but laity who may be sufficiently 'trained'.

I guess I have to look for that person if I want to pursue this. I'll keep you posted.

Uhmm you know of anybody?




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The Results, Dear PLU Catholic

Throughout the years of my blog life, I would occasionally post thoughts on my Catholic faith. At other times, it would be my interpretation of a gospel reading.

I have noticed that not a few of the raiders would actually read these posts. Some would even comment, agreeing or otherwise. So I felt that my posts on faith strike a chord in some of my raiders. So I posted the survey as a way to confirm whether some of you out there are like me, travelers in this journey of [Catholic] faith.

The Survey Results

To those of you who replied to my questions, first, a big Thank You. It was gratifying to hear from you. I summarize the results:

Half of the respondents felt the need to deepen his faith. 30% have joined a Catholic community (either a Church group or a charismatic community) to continue deepening his faith. A tenth does some meditative prayer.

50% wished to be part of a dyad, a group, or even a community that would help them know and understand their faith better but with no judgments, no admonitions.

Questions to be asked a Catholic priest include teachings on homosexuality, Catechism and some other matters on dogma.

One or two wrote about their spiritual journey. I really enjoyed that. I wish I could post them. They were quite inspiring.

In general, I was able to hear from you, fellow travelers in this journey. You noticed how I carefully avoided citing the actual number of respondents. Lol There were 6 of you, assuming a unique individual per response. I was glad to note that 3 of you were looking for someone or some people with whom to discuss their Catholic faith. You are the people to whom I was specifically addressing the post.

The Background

Even as I attend the services and/or actively pursue my expression of Catholic faith, I still wished I could belong to a circle who understands the unique combination of Gay + Catholic. Within that circle, I would share my insights on the faith, as well as learn from the insights and experiences of others like me. Perhaps that circle would also have an outreach, an outward manifestation of Catholic charity.

I shared this with one of my dear friends over dinner, because he had always been quite devout as a Catholic. I was pleasantly surprised to hear that this also resonated with him. He even knew of other PLU's who felt similar stirrings. My friend was even more active in his faith. He would attend recollections and retreats, or organize personal ones. He told me about the non-judgmental priests and nuns he had encountered during such activities.

In short, I found a kindred soul, a fellow traveler. And together, we wondered whether we could be part of a community that embraced both being gay and being Catholic, and everything else in between.

The Big Idea

So now, we wondered if we could just set up one instead of looking for one. A community of believers with whom we can regularly share the experience of being Catholic and gay. That community would have an explicit objective of helping each other deepen the faith. We hope that we could come across a Catholic priest to guide our discussions. It should be a safe haven, with no judging or labeling.

From time to time, there would be organized retreats or recollections. We can even take up some advocacy, some outreach.

Though I would have wanted less structure, I am imagining that the regular group meetings would be more like 'book club' gatherings. We all read certain books or chapters ahead of time as assignments and discuss when we meet. I remember the Jane Austen Book Club movie and how they just talk about one book at a time, try to relate or even critique it. And in the process, they get to know each other better.

There isn't much yet. I am open to comments. But, would you be interested?

corpcloset@gmail.com




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Typhoon Tryst 2

The news about the typhoon hitting Metro Manila bulls-eye was creating buzz since Sunday. And it was scheduled to hit on Wednesday. So even as he received Gabe's confirmation message, he wasn't sure it would push thru.

"Hey, Gabe. You sure you want to push through. Typhoon's going to hit on that day."

"I'm still good. If work gets cancelled, even better."

"But wouldn't we have a hard time?"

"I'll make it. And come on, you live nearby, too."

"Ok. Anyway, we're still set."

"Don't go chickening out. My hole's waiting. LOL"

"Haha Okay. Fine. I'm no chicken."

True enough, the typhoon started howling Tuesday early morning. The strong winds woke Luke up. He got up and took a leak and went back to bed. He was sure Gabe would cancel.

At around 7am, he received the message that his office cancelled work that day. He was having his morning coffee as he watched the morning news. He texted Gabe.

"Good morning. You still up for it?"

Gabe's reply came 30 minutes later. "Hey. Good morning. Just woke up. Of course, I'm still up for it. Dick's raging hard right now."

"Whoa. You are a horny one. Ok. So how do we do this?"

"Give you plans in a while. Lemme get breaky first."

Luke stared at the window. The winds were still at it. But there wasn't much rain. It would actually be quite an experience to have hot sex in a weather like this. The message came in.

"I'll meet you at McDonald's Eastwood. Wanna meet up earlier? No work, too."

"Actually, let's meet mid-afternoon. Let's get the winds to quiet down a bit."

"Chicken."

"No, I'm not chickening out. Storm is expected to leave by noon. Just to be safe."

"Hahaha. Okay. 3pm then."

Electricity went out at around 1 pm, just as Luke finished his hastily-put-together lunch. The winds had died down considerably. And even the rains weren't so bad. But with the lights out, he was wondering how high up the unit was. Gabe texted by 2pm.

"Leaving in 15mins. See you."

"K. Prepping, too."

There were still a lot of vehicles on the road. With less rain, there weren't much flooded streets. But you could see the havoc caused by the gusts of wind on the trees, foliage. He was able to get a ride that took him to Eastwood.

He was planning to get a burger while waiting at McDonalds. But Gabe was already there waiting. He walked up to Luke and offered a "Bro" handshake. That made Luke smile.

"Dude!" Luke teased.

"Glad you're here, Bro!" Gabe jested in return. "Did you see how bad the winds were? Trees and branches all over!"

"Yup. Hey, are you going to grab something to eat?" asked Luke.

"I'd rather grab something else" he said with a wink.

"hahaha Ok. Let's go. Wait. Do they have electricity here? Where are we going?"

"There." He points at the building. "19th Floor. Electricity? Why? Was it a brownout when you left?"

"Uh huh. Electricity was still down. But McDo has electricity."

"Come on." Gabe tugged at Luke as he started walking towards one of the high rise condos there.

They looked around to see more of remnants of the destruction. There were even some air-conditioning units that were blown away, with wreckage on the streets.

Gabe went inside first. When Luke got in, he realized that there was no electricity yet. He asked Gabe "Dude, what floor is the unit at?"

He grinned. "We'll put those nice legs of yours to work. 19th Floor."

"What?? Are you insane?"

"Hahaha! Come on! What's a little adventure?"

"Dude, 19 floors walking up is not adventure. It's torture."

"So you're chickening out?"

Luke hesitated a bit. "Fine. Let's go. Where's the stairwell?"

Gabe located the stairs and opened the door. "At least they have some emergency lights on some floors. How exciting!" he chuckled.

They started the ascent.

"So who owns this unit?"

"Nobody you know. Hahaha. A good friend from high school. Based in Hong Kong. I mind it for him."

"Housekeeper?"

"Sort of. More of property manager. I take care of looking for tenants, negotiating, even preparing lease contracts, etc."

"Nice. How'd you get into that?"

"Just by chance. I had another friend way back who had a similar situation. So I offered to take care of it, for a fee of course."

"Of course. Nice business model."

"Yeah. Gives me some extra cash. And when vacant, I get a playground." he said as he poked Luke on the side.

Luke saw the sign "8th Floor". "Almost halfway there."

"Do you want to stop first?"

"No need." even as he started to pant a bit. "It will be over soon."

By the time they got to the unit, Luke was sweaty and tired. His legs were totally worked out. He regretted doing his squats early in the week.

"We are here." Gabe struggled with the keys, for the hallway was quite dark. After a while, he was able to open the door. "Psst. Come on."

Luke walked in to the well-appointed condominium. Unmistakably a bachelor's pad, a very tasteful pad. But he couldn't see much as the lights were still out.

"I'll get some water. You want some?"

"Yeah sure." Luke sat down on the sofa. "So he has it rented fully furnished?"

"Uh huh. He gets to jack up the price that way." Gabe answered as he brought him a glass of water. Luke quickly drank it.

"Nice. Really nice."

Gabe sat beside him. "Yeah, this fetches a good price." Then he put his hand on Luke's thigh. "But we are not here for that."

Luke felt Gabe's hand up his crotch suddenly. He turned to him and Gabe pulled him close to kiss him.

Despite being tired from the climb, Luke was still horny and excited. He kissed Gabe deeply as he put his arm around him. Gabe reciprocated, letting his tongue dart in and out of Luke's mouth, sword-playing Luke's own tongue. He would gently bite his lips, or suck on the tongue.

Gabe's free hand was massaging Luke's already-stiff cock through his jeans. His touch was heavy and firm. He was squeezing and rubbing the cock. He pulled away and told Luke to stand up.

Luke stood up and saw Gabe removing his belt and yanking down his jeans. His cock straining in his white underwear. Gabe licked the cock through his briefs, nibbling on the length and then playing on the head. He was outlining the cock through the side of the underwear, and soft-biting the shaft. Luke was amazed at how Gabe worked it.

Then he pulled down the briefs to finally expose the hard dick. He held it with one hand and let his tongue play with the head. He looked up and looked straight at Luke's eyes as he played with the head. Luke was mesmerized.

After all that tongue-teasing, Gabe swallowed the head, but just the head. He let his tongue play with the bulb, flickering on the piss hole, then around the base. Luke closed his eyes in pleasure. And when he opened it, he realized that it was getting really dark and he wasn't really seeing much anymore. The darkness heightened the sensation of the warm mouth and tongue, even as he felt the grip on the base.

Gabe swallowed the entire cock expertly, without so much as a gag reflex. Luke saw how Gabe just buried his lips and nose on his bush. Then he moved up and dove again. Luke grabbed his head and started fucking his mouth. Gabe was just taking it all in. No gag.

Then, Gabe stood up and took off his pants and undies. He checked the pockets and found the rubber and two sachets of lube. "Fuck me." he whispered as he positioned and bent over the couch, with his palms resting on the back.

Luke got out of his clothes and put on the condom. He opened the lube sachet and squeezed some on his raging hard on.

"Fuck me, Dude."

He smeared some more lube on Gabe's asshole. First with one finger, then with two, he slid in and out of the hole. It felt warm, hot even, and tight. "Fuck me now!"

In the darkness, Luke had to grope the ass hole to make sure it was positioned right. He guided his rubbered cock inside.

"Easy. Easy, Boy." Gabe whispered, almost hurting.

"Slowly. Shit. Slowly. Put more in."

Luke did as he was told. He slowly got inside, deeper and deeper inside Gabe, finally his groin making contact with the ass cheeks. "Ahhhh. Fuck. yeah."

Luke began pumping, slowly at first, to allow Gabe to get used to the feeling. Then as he got more excited, the thrusting became more frequent. He bent over and grabbed Gabe's cock. It was thick and short. He jerked it off as he was pumping his ass. Gabe straightened up, and let the cock slide out of his hole.

He laid down on the sofa and raised his legs up. Luke grabbed one throw pillow and placed it under Gabe's back, lifting his ass for a better penetrating angle. It was getting darker, so Luke had to make sure he was able to find Gabe's hairy asshole. Finding it, he quickly inserted his cock again, a bit too fast that it made Gabe wince a bit. "Uh. Fuck!"

Luke resumed the fucking. And as his eyes grew accustomed to the darkness, he looked at Gabe. Slowly, he was able to make out the sharp, handsome features of his fuck partner. Gabe had his eyes closed, biting his lip as he jerked himself off.

Luke bent over and started kissing those thick lips. It was then he realized that both of them were sweating all over, as he tasted their sweat on his lips. He was holding Gabe's legs apart as he felt his arms wrap around his wet back.

He straightened and pumped the asshole more furiously. The air was humid and moist now. And he heard himself panting more with each thrust.

Gabe moaned. "Shit! This is so fucking good. I'm getting fucking close."

"Do it!" Luke replied. "I want to see you shoot that load!"

"Yeah?? Ok. OK. Here it comes, Dude! Oh FUCK!" And Gabe's cock started spurting out thick manjuice, all over his pubes.

Luke pumped more and let go himself. He bent over and as he pushed his cock inside one last time. "AHHHHH!" He filled his rubber with jism deep inside Gabe's butthole. Then he collapsed on top of Gabe, just as his cock slid out of the anus. His head rested on Gabe's navel, wet, musky. He felt Gabe brush his hair gently, both of them recovering.

Gabe started talking again. "We didn't even make it to the bedroom."

"We didn't, you horny bastard."

"Hahaha. Something about the storm just made me so excited."

"Well, we went up 19 floors, Gabe. All that climb heightened the thrill."

"Hahaha Yeah, in a freaking typhoon."

"Fuck, it's really dark now."

"And still no lights."

"Well, easier to go down the stairs. Hahaha Can you still walk?"

"In a while. Hahaha"

"I need to wash off."

"You sure? It's dark. Water's gonna be cold."

"I know. But I'm sticky all over."

"It's the door inside the bedroom."

"Ok." Luke got up and slowly made his way inside the bedroom. Very slowly.

"Why don't you use your phone's flashlight?"

"Oh yeah. Haha. Forgot about that."

It was easier to make his way to the bathroom. Yes, the water was freezing. And he had no idea what to use to dry off. But he showered anyway. And after a while, the cold water felt good. He looked outside the window. It was getting dark. And it was raining heavily now.

Then Gabe went in and offered him some paper towels.

"I really don't keep towels here. I bring them should a tenant ask."

"No prob. Thanks."

Luke dabbed the paper onto his wet skin. It kept on leaving bits and pieces of residue that clung to his skin. But it got him dry.

"My turn" Gabe announced as Luke was coming out of the bathroom. He chose to sit on the bed and shone his light on the surroundings. Sparsely decorated, it seemed like a hotel room. He laid down on the bed and turned off the light. The sound of heavy rain and the running shower filled the room. He wanted to play some mp3 but thought it better to conserve phone battery. He wasn’t sure whether they should go home.

Gabe approached him and sat on the bed. “It’s raining heavy.”

“It is. I don’t know if we should be heading on home.”

“In this rain? No way. And it’s probably flooded. Let’s wait for it to pass.” Gabe laid beside him. He put his arm around Luke to hug him. “Cuddle time.”

Luke hugged him back.

“I miss this.”




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Typhoon Tryst 1

Luke got the text from Gabe confirming the meet up in two days. He smiled. He didn’t think this would actually, finally push through. He was just finishing some ab workout at the gym when the message arrived. He stood up and checked himself in the mirror. He smiled at the thought of Gabe.

It all started when he was out on a date with Randy. They’ve been going out a couple of times. But until that time, nothing serious was developing. Randy told him that they were going to meet a friend of his, and his partner. So it was a double date.

Randy’s good friend, Freddie, was actually attractive. And so was his date, his partner, Gabe. They looked good together. But Luke was instantly attracted to Gabe. He wasn’t too tall, with an even Malay complexion. He wore glasses that managed to make him look intelligent and hot. He had an easy demeanor though he was largely quiet during the dinner. Randy and Freddie was doing a lot of catching up. Luke, for his part, was playing the part of the dutiful date, making sure that he was in on the conversation. After coffee, the couples went their separate ways.

“How long have they been together?” Luke asked.

“Almost a year now.”

“They look good together.”

“Yup, they do. Their features complement. I’m happy for Freddie.”

A couple of weeks later, Luke saw Freddie and Gabe again at a big dinner, hosted by one of their barkada. He was still officially Randy’s date, though a few days back, they already had “the talk.”

They were both honest to admit that pursuing dating to another level was not going to happen. They enjoyed each other’s company. The sex was good but not great. But beyond that, they really were better off as friends.

Nevertheless, Randy still brought Luke along. He was mentioned by the host, David, as a must-bring. He thought it woulnd’t hurt. Besides, he was going to be honest to the group, too, that they had just ‘friendzoned’ each other.

It was a long table in a nice restaurant. Luke and Randy decided to sit near Freddie and Gabe. But since the instruction was that couples were not supposed to be seated beside but across each other, Luke ended up sitting beside Gabe.

And even as they were all engaging in group talk,

“Is it true? You’re not dating Randy anymore?”

“Yeah.” Luke smiled. “We are better off as friends, really.”

Gabe smiled, too. “Too bad. But better to be honest about it now, than later, right?” Then his knee nudged Luke’s knee.

“Of course, better that way. “ Then Luke felt that the knee lingered more than ‘nudge’. Gabe’s knee was maintaining contact. Luke felt warm, all of a sudden. He broke the contact and opened another topic.

“So how are things between you?” pointing to Freddie.

“Good. Good. Can’t complain. Settled, I guess.” Gabe sipped the wine and looked away. As if on cue, everyone started singing ‘Happy Birthday’ as the waiters brought the cake in. The awkward moment dissipated.

The group talk turned to extra-curricular activities. Freddie chimed in “Gabe’s part of the a gay men’s vocal group. They’re trying to build a Gay Men’s Chorus here in Manila!”

Randy exclaimed. “Wow! I didn’t even know you were a singer, Gabe.”

Gabe blushed a bit. “I’m better as part of the chorus. I sing solo alone.” He winked at Freddie and that sent everyone laughing. “TMI!!”

Suddenly, Randy mentioned Luke. “Hey, I know Luke’s got a great voice, too. Are you still recruiting?” Luke was surprised and gave Randy the ‘look’.

Gabe replied. “Yeah, of course, we still are. You interested, bro?”

“Well… I don’t sing that well..”

“Don’t be modest.” Randy countered.

“I could probably explore it.”

“Yeah, join us and jam sometime. I’m sure you’ll like it. Give me your mobile number.”

‘Smooth. Really smooth.’ Luke thought to himself as he dictated his number.

“Are you a baritone? You sound like it.”

“Probably. I haven’t really determined that.”

“Nice, we need more of that. I’m a baritone myself. Anyway, I’ll text you once I inform the chorus about you.”

“Sure. Fine. No hurry, okay?” Luke replied.

Then it was group picture time. Everyone was standing as the photographer, another guest, tried to arrange them. It was taking time, with everyone laughing and sayin one thing or another. But Luke notice how immediately upon standing, Gabe was beside him at the back-most part, with the wall behind them.

“Cheers, guys!” as the flashbulbs started. Just then, he felt a hand on his back. He realized it was Gabe’s. From the upper back, it started sliding down until it rested on his ass. While everyone was noisy and smiling and posing, Luke’s heart rate was shooting up. He felt Gabe slowly squeeze his ass. He was also getting rock hard from the stimulation. He looked to see if anyone could be noticing. Randy, Freddie, they were all caught up in the shoot.

As they were leaving the place, Luke was still flustered.

“Hey. What’s wrong with you? Suddenly, you’re so quiet.”

“Huh? Nothing.” He didn’t know whether he should tell Randy about Gabe’s aggressive moves. But he decided against it.

“It’s just work. I suddenly remembered I had to finish something.”

“It’s still weekend, Luke. Relax.” Luke smiled as he managed to push the thought of Gabe aside.

Gabe lost no time in sending Luke a message. Luke was quite surprised to receive the message that same night, thinking it would be quite risky for him. But the message sounded tame. It was just a short follow-through on the chorus discussion. On the surface, it seemed harmless. But after that ass squeeze, that message was anything but.

Should he reply and start something with a 'partnered' guy? He had no deep moral problem with hooking up with boyfies. Gay guys have always been quite promiscuous, partnered or not. There were no marriage vows that bind. Besides, he didn't even really know whether their relationship allowed for such. He made up his mind to continue the flirting, albeit carefully. He replied the day after.

The exchange that followed was direct to the point. Gabe was being very consistent.

"I thought you'd never text."

"Why? Because of the delay?"

"Yeah."

"I just wanted to be sure."

"Sure of what? That I wanted to go fucking with you? Hahaha"

"Crazy! I didn't have no doubts after that ass-grab. That was quite 'courageous' of you."

"Couldn't help myself. Your ass was just sticking out."

"Does that make you a top?"

"Ooh. I like this. Let's establish ground rules already. Hahaha. No."

"Really. Good. I'm top."

"I just like nice, big butts. But I put my legs up. Hahaha."

"Then we shouldn't have any problem. But wait, are you open, I mean, with..."

"Open relationship? No. But we haven't had sex for 2 years, dude. So we both must be getting that from somewhere."

"You haven't been caught? And you've caught him?"

"Sure there are signs and slip-ups. But it's like some silent agreement. So we just don't bother checking up on each other."

"Ok. As long as you feel this won't get 'complicated.'"

"Hahaha. Don't worry. I'm careful."

"I bet. I just bet this is not a first time."

"Go ahead. Judge me."

"Hahaha. No judgment there, Gabe. Hahaha"

"Anyway, so when are you free?"

Jeesh. This guy doesn't waste any time, does he?

"Wednesday, next week. The 16th."

"What time?"

"You work in QC, right? near Eastwood?"

"Yup. Why?"

"Let's do a lunch quickie."

"What? Where?"

"I can use a friend's condo. Currently vacant."

This was just way too convenient. "Are you sure?"

"Again. Don't worry. The unit's vacant. I take care of it while my friend is away. I look for tenants. And I got the keys. So, Wednesday lunch?"

"Oh okay, I guess. I don't know which condo."

"I'll pass for you. Meet you at your building by 12nn. It will be quick and hot."

Luke was getting a hard-on just thinking about it. It was exciting and daring. Or exciting because it was daring.

"Ok. Done."



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Dear PLU Catholic,

Are you a PLU Catholic? Do you mind answering some questions?

You could post your answers here as comments or email me at corpcloset@gmail.com for privacy.

Do you feel a need to deepen your faith? In what manner do you think you'd be able to accomplish that? What would you wish you had, or could do, for this goal?

If you could talk to a priest about your faith, what topics would you like to discuss with him? What questions would you have for him?


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Odd and unsettling

I recently joined a pre-existing group of friends. They have been together for a few years and they exhibited a tangible bond of 'sisterhood', being all PLU's. And as each one started to have partners, the group became bigger during get-togethers. They are fun, spontaneous. They discuss a range of topics, a lot centered around hunks and eye-candy. They pick on each other, berate and 'lait' at times, all in jest. Typical of such groups. And they have brought this camaraderie mobile, with one of the popular social group messaging apps.

As I 'listened in' on those conversation threads, I was quite surprised to notice some statements among them that were flirty innuendoes. And it was coming from the core 'sisters'. How odd.

To be fair, the statements were mentioned in passing. 'Oooh, you've developed such big arms. <3' 'Can I watch when that happens to your weewee?' 'Can I touch?' As I read on and thought about it, I became more bothered.

I belong to many other sisterhoods. And you can never catch us mentioning any statement like that, even in passing. It's like crossing an incestuous line. Ewwww.

I discussed this with one of them. He just shrugged it off as harmless, meaningless bits of conversation. They remain friends and none of them had crossed any line.

I still remain unsettled. But I find myself wondering whether I am being such a prude, in this day and age. Am I being too puritanical for not allowing such friendly coquetry among friends? Is my attitude such a #throwbackthursday?

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Advocacy Series

I've been watching the online gay telenovela from Australia. (Since it's not really on the telly, then it shouldn't be a telenovela. I'll call it webbynovela.)


The Horizon, it is entitled. Kinda funny title for a 'serious' webbynovela revolving around LGBT characters (hmm. Though I haven't seen an 'L' character yet) I just stumbled upon it (as most online content are 'discovered'.) And though it started really slow, the series, now on its 4th season has actually picked up pace (and acting skills).

It started in November 2009, and has continued to this day. Amazing. There's a paid subscription if you want to be ad-free, updated (and are generous to donate). It is a fine example of branded content, produced by an advocacy group, sponsored by LGBT-friendly brands.

Story-wise, it developed pretty slowly. The actors in the first season were not as "nice" to look at. But a lot of them have since been replaced. You will probably develop preferences as you go through the seasons. But the latest ones have improved considerably in looks and acting. Yes, some of the actors are quite delectable hunks, to my taste at least.

I like that it is only about 10 minutes per episode, well-produced and in HD (the better to see those shirtless actors). And the street-smart queen bee is a drag queen with a bitchy tongue and a heart of gold.

Hey TheLoveYourself! Let's do a Pinoy cover. LOL

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Location:Tomas Morato Avenue corner Scout Rallos Street,Quezon City,Philippines

Where Treasure Lies

.."But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves do not break in or steal; for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." - Matthew 6:21-22

Jesus asks us to store our riches in heaven.

If I were to put that in today's language, I am being asked to invest in heaven.

How the heck do I invest in heaven, or accumulate spiritual wealth? Am I supposed to donate my income to church or charity? Would that make me a 'good person', worthy of a place in heaven? But if in the process, I end up turning my back on my family, my responsibilities and opt for hermitage, am I really a 'good person' then?

My take on this is to look at the 'spirit' behind my investments (or use of money and time), the motivation and attitude behind my use of money and time. It starts with putting God first, "loving Him with all my heart, with all my mind, with all my soul", then "loving my neighbor as my self". The beauty of loving God is that He asks us to express our love for Him by loving neighbor AND self.

Our investments must be made in our relationships, with others, with self, on a foundation of our relationship with Him. We use our time and money to take care of ourselves and develop deeper bonds with others, starting from self, to family, radiating outwards. He doesn't stop us from investing in our selves, to make ourselves happy and healthy and peaceful. But He reminds us that it is just the starting point. He reminds us to invest time and money to take care of our families, not just through loving encounters but, indirectly, by making sure we remain productive (work-wise) so we can provide for them. Then, we touch others in our work, and build relationships there, too.

Again, it doesn't and shouldn't stop there. As we build our relationships with others, we are reminded that we do this in the context of loving God, of being faithful to him. Hence, the relationships should enshrine the values He espouses like honesty, compassion, forgiveness.

Treasure lies in relationships with God, family and friendships. And that is where the heart should be.


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A Story from a Friend down south

I met this very young raider personally when I visited him in the city down south. We had a pleasant time chatting. Instantly, I knew he had loads of stories to share. I asked him to write one for the blog. I post it here.

Loving someone whom you haven't even met is not just hard, but foolish in a lot of sense. It may be the most desperate thing you may have done if love is the only thing that matters to you. It may be the form of love where you can actually pretend to be someone else and the person you're loving is actually not the person you expect him to be in real life. Nevertheless, it is the event where the greatest fictional love stories are made. 

This story, unlike other fictional gay drama, is the story of how I came to fall in love with a person whom I haven't seen or even added in Facebook. This is not new to me. I once had a relationship with this ghost person through phone calls and text messages. It is not that I was way too foolish to believe the character or the personality of the person, but I fell for was the emotions and feelings involved. It was magical; almost true in a sense. Even if it only happened in our imagination; even if it only occurred in our inbox and call logs; even if I was only shown two or three pictures of the person, I admit that I gave up my entire affection. The relationship ended because, in the first place, it had to end. It is not because I have come to realize how foolish it was to be part of something fantastic, but the fictional boyfriend in my inbox claimed he was about to die. 

This time, I met another person who might belong in the same story line.  Only this time I had all means of confirming his identity, except one. I didn't want to pass judgement because, truth be told I loved him. I probably loved the person I have come to know through our small conversations over the phone and the sweet text I get. He is a resident in PGH, or so he claimed. I met him over this website and I started to converse with him through messaging. We ended up calling  each other, sharing stories of how our days went by. 

I was skeptical of his character so I started to ask questions related to his education in med school. To my surprise, he could tell me everything about it without hesitation. As if he really went there. He could even speak about terms that only medicine students and doctors can understand. He had stories about his patients and how sick they were and what was the sickness all about. 

From there, I started doubting less and believing more. His roots are from Davao and whenever I ask him about things related to it, he can tell me, as if he really was from Davao.  I was in absolute awe of his consistency. Despite this, I still had one foot on the ground. Doubts never die; they could only be buried or be hidden. The one thing I always asked of him was to add me on Facebook so I can see how his life is. But he always had an excuse (which I accepted wholeheartedly) not to add me yet.

Time went by, and our conversations over the phone went strong and firm. I was falling for him little by little. He made promises: to court me when we meet, to give me his utmost attention and to love me for who I am. He even sensed my lingering doubt.  He understood why I did not allow him to court me just yet. We were going strong; I was happy and it was the sole reason why I deleted all gay social sites I had in my possession, because the prospect of him seemed very, very true and real to me. Until that day.

You see, since he was in med school, he was already suffering from peptic ulcer. His habit of forgetting to eat lead to cancer. Even when he first entered his internship, he told me he always forgot to eat. Suddenly he claimed he was about to die. It was heartbreaking.  Even until now, as I write this, I'm welling up with tears. Before it was diagnosed as cancer, he had a stomach ache beyond anything he had experienced before. So he has to be rushed to the hospital and got operated. He was scared even if he is a doctor. It was his first time to get operated on. I could only comfort him and cheer him up and tell him "everything's gonna be alright". We thought that after the operation, he would be alright. So he planned to send me to Manila so that we could see each other (finally). However, after the first operation, complications showed up. He had to be operated on again which meant he couldn't process whatever I need to book a flight. I couldn't book my own because I was still studying. My allowance couldn't buy me a ticket. After his second operation, it took him days before he let me in on  his condition. Cancer cells had scattered in the stomach going to the liver. He told me this, I was riding on a public utility jeepney.  I had to go alight and stand at one street corner to listen intently and with utmost care. We were both crying, I was crying on the street as I heard him crying hysterically over the phone. He wasn't ready for it and yet he got it. 

Whenever I tried to call, he wouldn't pick up; whenever I sent him a text, he wouldn't reply immediately. It always had to be him to make the call and text because he is weak from chemo. Then, one day I got a call from him. He wasn't as lively.  He sounded weak. He was crying.  Then he told me he was dying. I couldn't bring myself to understand. It just did not make sense to me. Why did he have to die?..... The only thought I had in mind was the fear and anxiety that this may be a rerun of my previous experience. 

But this time, I had my two feet back on solid ground. I felt cheated. I felt being played around. I did not even end the call properly. I just put my phone down and distracted myself.  Though I couldn't escape the fact that he was dying. 

Before I decided to finally write about this, I felt so helpless. At first, I did not understand why, but then I realized I was affected not just because he is dying, but because I was caught up again in a situation where I felt powerless. I wanted to be with him, not just to comfort him but to be there for him. 

But I also want to go to find out if this feeling of anxiety,  this fear, and powerlessness was real. I wanted to clear all doubts before someone goes dying on me yet again. But I never had the capability to go. And this is what made me feel worse. This made me feel more lost. 

I didn't know even when he was going to die.  All I want ed was to clear myself of all doubt. I didn't want to feel again that someone was playing with my feelings. I want to love the person I loved in texts and phone calls for real. I wanted things to be real.

This sounds familiar, doesn't it? Wasn't this his version of my "Talented Mr. Ripley"? Or is his real?

The Weight Reduction Scheme

My weight hovered around 140-141 lbs for, like, months. Despite the nutritionist counseling and the workouts, I couldn't seem to make my weight go down to 137 lbs, which is super-ideal for my height and small frame. My trainer suggested that I do the tasteless diet: a diet bereft of seasoning, including salt. Even for just a week. Of course, this also meant tight control on fat, and complex carbs (desserts).

So I instructed the help to prepare my meals as such: nothing fried, just baked, boiled or grilled. No salt or pepper or anything for taste. Green salad with only calamansi as dressing. My carbs would come from wheat bread and brown rice only. I still drank coffee every other day. My only compromise was Fita or Skyflakes as additional carb sources. Yes, not the healthiest, processed and with sodium. But I made sure I limited that, too. And I stuck to the recommended portion sizes. I didn't overeat protein either. (Actually, I couldn't overeat on anything because the bland taste just deterred me. Lesson: If you want to lessen rice/carb intake, your viand should be bland-tasting.) I also made sure I was still exercising regularly - 3 days gym/weights, alternating with cardio (ranging from 30mins to 1 hour).

It was a struggle. Lasang papel as my trainer would put it. But the mind is more powerful than the tongue. So I just kept at it, counting the days. I have to admit that on day 4, I had a moment of feeling faint. I think I overdid the calorie-counting and went way below my 1,650 calories/day. True enough, my nutritionist confirmed it when I submitted my food intake journal. There was a day I just ingested less than 1,000 calories.

After just five days, my weight dropped to 135 lbs, about a pound a day! Finally after so long, I have reached, and even surpassed, that ideal weight. Was it worth it? Heck yeah. But I would have to adjust the calorie-count. And, I wouldn't do it as a lifestyle. LOL. I plan to put myself through this 5-day stretches once every two or three months.

I still need to work on the midsection flab, though. Some tell me, though, that I have to live with that. They say it is really excess skin, skin that has lost elasticity. A function of age. I pinch it and it feels 'fatty', though. So I'm looking at high-low intensity cardio to torch it. Maybe.

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the friend's ex

"Hey Luke, do you remember me?" The FB message read.

Luke looked at the profile that read "James". Hmm. When he looked at the profile picture, he recognized him.

"Hey there. Hello James. How have you been?" Luke messaged back to start a thread.

"Been good. Wow, it must have been ages since!"

"I know! That was like three relationships past."

"Hahaha. I love the way you keep track of time. Are you still with that company?"

"Nah. I moved to another firm now. How about you? You used to be in a bank, right?"

"Yup. The banker. But I'm moving again. Soon. LOL"

"Are you still in touch with Ben? I get to chat with him from time to time."

"Ben, my ex? Yeah. We still talk, from time to time. Why?"

"Nothing. So, whatever happened to you after Ben?"

"Well, I have a new partner. Well, not really new, though. We've been together after Ben."

"Wow, that's probably 8 years now? Congratulations!"

"Thanks. It's been working out. Actually I saw you at the gym last week."
"You sure it was me?"

"Yup. Weren't you at the Fort last Wednesday? You just did cardio on the bike."

"Haha. Yeah that was me. Where were you? Why didn't you say hi?"

"I didn't think you'd recognize me. Besides, you were so serious with what you were watching."

"LOL I'm always like that."

"You maintain yourself well, Luke."

"Thanks."

It was James' turn to ask. "So how about you? You've got a new love since... what's his name?"

"Since Dennis? No, am single now. But dating, you know the game."

"Haha. Actually I don't. Been a long time since I've been single."

"Ah yeah. But of course, been partnered doesn't stop anyone from acting single. Haha"

"Hey. I don't do that."

"But you did! I remember."

"Shut up! That was a long time ago! Hahaha. Hey gotta go. Can I get your mobile?

Luke didn't reply immediately. "Sure." Then he typed his number. "Chat soon."

He immediately went to check James' Facebook page. Hmm. The guy still looked great. Hot, even with a little less hair and more forehead. Luckily, the page wasn't as private. So he was able to browse a few more pics. Growing older actually fits him. He got a bit excited but that was easily doused by the thought that he does have a partner. Shortly after, he got a message on his mobile. "Boss, save my number. James." 'Boss?' he wondered.

After a few days, his phone was buzzing after dinner. It was James.

"Boss! How are you?"

"Hey. I'm good. Just chilling at home. You?"

"On my way home from a meeting. Driving now."

"Put this down, dude. This is not safe driving!"

"Hahaha I'm on Bluetooth, Boss."

"Fine. So you are bored driving."

"Hahaha. Traffic's bad. Which is typical on a Friday eve."

"Ok. I'll keep you company. So how's work?"

"Light now. Wrapping up. Turning over. Been thinking about you."

Luke got excited. "You have? Why? What about?"

"Trying to remember how we met."

"Ben brought you over to meet Dennis and me. We had dinner."

"Where?"

"At our condo. You were so quiet. Even quite a snob."

"What do you expect? You guys were 10 years older than me! " James laughed out loud.

"Asshole. But you had this 'attitude'."

"Like what attitude?"

"Like you were so bored. Like you didn't even want to be there."

"Hahaha Of course not. I'm just naturally quiet. And really, I was just in my 20's then. And you all were having such a chatty time. But I noticed you."

"You did?"

"Yup. Was wondering to myself what you saw in Dennis."

"What the?? What's wrong with Dennis? He's not bad looking."

"Come on. He's not your... match."

"What do you mean?"

"Good looking guy like you deserves someone who looks a lot better!" James laughed again.

"Hahaha You flatter me."

It wasn't even just flatter. It sounded more like flirtation.

"Uh Ok Hahaha Thanks. Well, he had some nice qualities. Besides, it didn't last anyway."

"Wait, Luke. I'm almost home. Will call you when I'm settled."

"Sure."

It took a while before James called.

"Hey there. I'm all settled."

"Took you a while to 'settle'"

"Hahaha. Yeah. Took a quick shower."

"Good for you. You must feel refreshed."

"Yeah. Still toweling off." That made Luke swallow.

"Oh. Hey if you are still busy, we can chat another time."

'Nah. I'm just taking my time to dry off. I usually take my time just lounging in my towel."

'Okay. Okay', Luke thought. His heart started beating faster.

"You wanna do facetime?"

Luke was suddenly conscious. "Sure. Wait. Hold on." He had to check himself on the mirror. How did he look? He was in his boxers and tank top. His hair was still in its place.

"Call me."

After a moment, the Facetime call went through. He got to see James again. And true enough, he still looked good.

"So where's your partner?" Luke asked.

"He stays in the province mostly. I go home during weekends. You've lost a lot of weight. And bulk."

"I was fat before. I was heavy."

"You look even better. Fits you."

"Thanks. Well you have certainly changed. And you're right. I may not have recognized you if I saw you now."

"Hahaha Why? Is it that bad?"

"No, crazy! It's just that you've really grown up."

"Hahaha I was a scrawny kid just a few years after college when Ben brought me to your place."

"Malnourished. Hahaha"

"Gee, thanks, Luke! You are just so great on my ego right now!"

"I'm kidding. I actually found an old photo of yours from that dinner. You want to see it?"

"No way!! Just throw that out! I don't want to be reminded of how sad looking I was."

"Shut up. It wasn't bad. You were young and... cute."

"Really? You found me cute then?"

Luke regretted saying that. He didn't want to flirt. But there was no taking it back.

"Yeah. You were. I mean, you're still cute."

"Aww. Thanks, Boss. You look great, too, Luke. You lost a lot of weight, I noticed at the gym."

"Well, decided I didn't want to be too bulky."

"I like what I see now. Hot."

'Really? How hot?"

Suddenly the camera went from front facing to back facing. And Luke was surprised to see an erect penis, legs and feet.

"That hot, Boss."
Luke was stunned for a moment. "Whoa. Nice."

"How about you?"

"Ok. Wait."

He lied down on the bed and put the phone down. He took off his clothes and grabbed his phone. He positioned it so his torso and cock were in view.

"Fuck. That chest. That cock." James moaned as he started stroking his cock. And that turned Luke on. Seeing someone get turned on by the sight of you is always a major turn on. He continue to hold his phone on one hand and stroke his own cock with the other.

"Show me your asshole." James said.

Luke hesitated. This guy thinks I'm a bottom? Fuck. Anyway, it's all Facetime. Luke decided to give in. He quickly repositioned his camera. He raised his legs and aimed at his hole.

"I want to fuck that hole."

"Oh yeah? You really want to fuck me?"

"Yes, Boss. I've wanted to fuck you since..." his voice trailed off. All Luke could see was his cock and more jerking.

"Open your ass cheeks wide so I could see your fuckhole better."

The position was awkward. He had his legs up and he was still reaching out to open his butt cheeks as he had the camera on one hand. This was quickly making his dick soft.
James' camera was shaking. Obviously, he was getting off on this.

'So the guy's a top.' Luke thought to himself. 'Well, this will all remain in cyberspace. No way am I going to bottom for him.'

He refocused the camera to his own cock as he was jerking it.

"I want to fuck you, Luke. Would you give it to me?"

Luke decided to just indulge the guy. "Sure. Sure. I'll let you fuck me."

"You'll be on your fours and I'll ram my cock inside you."

Feigning passion "Yeah, dude. Fuck me with that cock of yours." Thankfully, he was hard again and he was nearing climax.

"You getting there? I wanna cum. Badly."

"Yeah. Yeah, dude. I'm like almost there." More heavy breathing. The unsteady camera was still focused on his fat cock. "Let's do this live, Luke."

"Yeah sure."

"When? I want to put my dick inside that tight hole of yours."

"Soon, dude. We'll set it up. You near?"

"Yup. almost. almost."

Meanwhile, Luke couldn't hold it anymore and he started to squirt manjuice on his pubes.

"Fuck! That's hot! Ahh. I'm coming, Fuck! I'm coming."

Luke looked at the screen as the fat cock oozed semen out. Nope, he wasn't a shooter.

After just a few seconds, Luke said "Let's clean up. Let's talk soon." And he hung up.

He got some tissue and cleaned himself up. He laid there wondering what this was all about. This was the ex of a friend. True, it's been years and years since they broke up. But he's still the ex. So it looks like he had always had this thing for him? Why didn't he know sooner?

Then, his thoughts turned somewhere else. 'Didn't he say he was faithful? What was this all about? Isn't cybersex counted? And did he really seriously think I'd bottom for him? No fucking way. He didn't get a follow up text or call days after that. He just forgot the whole thing. Until about two weeks after, when he got a missed call.

He was deciding whether to return the call. He had forgotten the episode. And it wasn't as satisfying as he had thought it would have been. He decided not to return the call. But he answered when James called again a few hours after.

"Hey, Luke.. how are you, Boss?"

"Hey. I've been okay. You?"

"It was my last day. I start my new work after next week."

"Good for you. You going on vacation?"

"Just going home to the province. It's been a while since I saw my folks."

"Good for you. Congratulations on your new job."

"Thanks, Boss."

Awkward silence followed briefly.

"Uhmm. About what happened that one time."

"Hey.. forget about it."

"No. I wanted to apologize. I... I was just horny and we've been having problems.."

"Dude, no need to explain. I totally understand."

"It's not just that. Luke... well, you've always been my crush. And I got carried away seeing you after all these years."

"Me, too. Well, not exactly crush. But hey, you've always been hot. But I know your situation. And I just played along with what happened."

"I sensed that. But I enjoyed. Even if it's just cyber. You know."

"Haha. I have to tell you, though. I'm not a bottom. I just played along."

"I got that, too. Hahaha. I saw how awkward you were. Haha"

"Yeah! I don't know how bottoms do it. Hahaha"

"I know, right. But you're really hot, Luke. Stay that way."

"Hahaha Thanks. I will try."

"Catch you later. Partner's coming."

"No problem. Go. See you."

"Bye."

Luke scratched his head. He didn't know what to make of this. How should he feel? Was he supposed to be flattered that he had always been his 'crush'? How come there's a part of him that felt unhappy and ... 'cheap'? ... even 'used'? Does this even count for 'bad sex', if it was all virtual? Then, on a deeper level, there was that guilt. He is still a friend's ex. Did he betray him? Even if it had been eight years since they broke up.

He shrugged his shoulders and just chose to forget the whole incident. This is one of those times when being a swinging single just didn't bring the satisfying outcome that he wanted.




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the Adonis Factor and cc

A friend of mine messaged me recently:

Have you watched/downloaded Adonis Factor? Do you think it's happening also here satin? Naiisip lang kita while watching this film because you're one of the guys na nice body pa rin despite our age. 😊

I didn't know about the film. So I downloaded what turned out to be an hour-long documentary on the gay obsession with physical beauty, particularly that muscular look in the US, particularly focusing on San Francisco, LA and Atlanta.


I looked at myself. Pushing five decades and still in pursuit of that ideal. Yes. Definitely I am as obsessed about it.

The film interviewed a couple of gay, muscled hunks, dermatologists, cosmetic surgeons and psychiatrists. Then, for contrast, there were a few interviewees who were 'counterculture'. But all of them acknowledge the hierarchy in the community based on physical attractiveness. The motivation goes beyond just having more sexual partners, or finding love. They talk about deep need to belong, to be accepted. Funny that for a subgroup (LGBT) who has been subjected to marginalization, the community creates its own cliques and castes that determine who is in and out.

Does it happen here? I can only talk about the gay community in the 80's - 90's as I was being exposed to it. Definitely, when you would go to the clubs and bars in Malate, you already know the A crowd: the most gorgeous, the hottest guys all in one area. Though that time, it was enough to be handsome (and maybe lean). Muscles and abs were not a prime commodity yet. Most of them were flight attendants or sales agents. But those groups were put together not by the equally beautiful but by the beauty brokers - the designers, the stylists.

I knew I was not going to be part of that. I wasn't pretty enough. I had a high school classmate who fit the bill. And he got instantly invited, courted and brought in. He was kind enough to string me along to some parties. I never felt comfortable. But I still aspired to be attractive enough to be invited.

Luckily though, times were also changing. The community had started to include the beautiful physique as a redeeming factor. That spurred me to try to develop my body, in the hope that I would be considered 'attractive' and 'desirable', too. That need for affirmation is so ingrained in me that until now, I continue to push my body. On top of the need for affirmation, the desire for sexual pleasure became a motivator, too. Then finally, the quest for a partner, for that love of The One, made this all a habit I cannot, and will not, kick anymore.

But is the Pinoy gay community as obsessed as what the film depicts the American gay scene? I don't think so. Yes, we worship that Adonis ideal. But I don't see us excluding others simply on that basis. Yes, we bitch and we berate - mapanglait - but I have yet to experience the kind of bullying and meanness as portrayed in the film.

Maybe because we also feel 'excluded' especially when we sample the scene in the US. We are largely ignored by Caucasians, except for the subgroup of Rice Queens. So we are kinder to each other?

I would still like to think that this 'obsession' of mine has healthy benefits. My cardio-metabolic indicators are good (cholesterol, blood sugar, etc.) I may not have the washboard stomach. I still have the pinch-able flab there. Yet I feel better about how I look now, compared to years before.

But I also know that the Adonis is not the end-all or be-all for the gay Pinoy community. I know of a lot of friends, peers and younger, who are not exactly muscular who have no issues getting a partner, whether for the night or for keeps. And though they may complain about their bellies, or their double chins, they remain to be attractive in so many ways.

Even if all of us lust over that muscled hunk in Instagram or Facebook, most of us would still consider the physical as just one of many dimensions of hotness and desirability.



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cc watch: Tales, More Tales, Further Tales of the City

I was able to read the first book, Tales of the City, by Armistead Maupin, decades ago. I couldn't recall the story but I remembered it was fun reading. I knew years after, that they made TV mini-series of the book. But I never got around to remembering to download. Until recently.

The first season had 6 episodes. Set in 70's San Francisco but produced in 1993, the series was fun to watch. And it didn't disappoint with the male nudity factor, though still just behinds. I won't get into the details but it was typical soap opera fare, with twists and turns and with very colorful (rainbow flag-colorful) characters. I was shocked to see my crush from the 90's, "The Rocketeer" William Campbell, playing a hot gay doctor. That certainly made me want to finish the season.








The second season also had 6 episodes. It was produced 5 years after but was supposedly just a year from where season 1 left off. They brought in new actors to play old roles. That was jarring at the start. I had gotten familiar with the Season 1 characters and my brain kept on resisting. Until I realized that the actor, Paul Hopkins, is way sexier as Michael Tolliver than the first season. The way the story unravels was still very credible, pretty much as Armistead wrote it. I noticed though that there were a few more scenes of gratuitous male nudity, frontal at that, in Season 2. But these were from the extras rather than the main characters.






The series ends with Season 3 as one 3-hour episode. This was produced in 2001 though the show itself takes place about 6 years after. By this time, the stories had gotten a bit stale and it needed a different plot twist. So it introduced new characters interplaying with the old ones (and old cast, no new faces this time). And lo behold, even the hot male characters were (finally) in their frontal birthday suits.






So, other than those snippets of nudity, is the series worth watching? I enjoyed it, though not in a delirious kind of way. The third season ranks least among the three. I felt it was just going through the motions. But what the heck, I've always been the type to see things through till the end.

So go watch it. If only to see hot couple William Campbell and Paul Hopkins kiss and naked. LOL


*all images lifted from IMDB.com

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CC updates: Challenging Habits

After that gastrointestinal upset, I am finally back to 'normal' programming. Bowel movement is normal. (TMI. I know.) Workouts are regular. Even that daily abs routine is back to three circuits per day. (I follow the 7 Minute Workout app in iOS. One circuit is 7 minutes. I downloaded, i.e. paid for the Core workout. The Full Body program comes free.) It really takes me two to three full weeks from a lull or break to get into normal programming. That's age for you.

I have noticed that I have been quite productive at work, too. I have finally zeroed my paperwork backlog. Funny that I would still call it 'paperwork' when all the documents are electronic. But despite being so gung-ho about the business this year, I still have moments of doubt and even defeat. I look around industry and see how the competitor has gobbled up share in all aspects, throwing tons of money to secure leadership. Just a few short years back, we were on top. But they were relentless in their campaign. We had to bow down.

But we are not out of the game. We can't be. I have much too much at stake, including jobs and lives of people. So I wrack my brain, and everybody else's to make sure we recover sharply this year.

Mom has been getting some dizzy spells lately. The specter of her stroke last year hung like a heavy cloak as Dad brought her to her neurologist. Thankfully, it's nothing of that sort. Plain positional vertigo, he said calmly. And that calmed her, and all of us.

Lately, I have been feeling quite burdened by the financial responsibility I took on recently. I have started to penny-pinch again. I just have to make sure I have enough to tide me over, till that responsibility wraps up in four years. I had been so comfortable financially in the past years. This is certainly humbling.

It should be good for me. It was time to curb some excessive habits anyway. First to go was the daily dose of Starbucks. That was partly motivated by my gastrointestinal problem. Limit myself to 2-3x of Starbucks per week. Our suki baristas must have been wondering about me.

Then the weekly massage came next.. I resolved to limit that to twice per month.I am struggling with this. I so enjoy some good muscular kneading weekly, with that culminating happiness after an hour or so of arousal. The aching muscles and joints after my run or workout scream for touch therapy. But I shall bite my lip and bear it.

There are many more in the list that had to be given up or deferred. Ultimately, i am humbled by this. It is not painful, just uncomfortable.

I guess it all boils down to challenging habits. I think ultimately, there is some character-building opportunity in challenging whatever habits one has accumulated through the years. Just because one had gotten so used to a certain way of doing things doesn't make that immutable or even necessary. One develops resilience as habits give way.

So there. I have been working on developing resilience, in the face of changing circumstances in cc's life.

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Leadership, stylized

I was interviewed yesterday by an MBA student on leadership styles. It got me thinking, rather quickly, about my 'style'.

His first question threw me off. "What was the journey towards developing your leadership style like?" I was taken aback because I never saw it as a conscious path of sorts. I started discussing my career path instead, emphasizing the points when I started to 'manage'. I pointed out that I started 'managing' even when I didn't have any direct reports (I don't like using 'subordinates'). I had to accomplish many things through people, though I don't supervise them. That's where I got to 'lead', with no formal structure supporting this role. It honed my emotional quotient. I had to build credibility, exercise empathy, reach out to be able to make things happen.

Then eventually, I assumed formal management roles and responsibilities. In a sense, it was easier. Technically, I could just pull rank and get the job done. But because of habit, I rarely played that card. I still used my 'informal methods', and made sure that the environment I built allowed the people to grow, to be empowered yet accountable. Not everybody responds in the same way though. So I would use the 'stick' from time to time.

I believe I have been effective to a certain extent. The company has grown. But the latest challenges are making me rethink my strategies and styles. My leadership has not delivered the results that were needed. I need to evolve.

My style may have an unchanging core, but the style needs to adapt. Technology offers me new ways to reach out, learn and manage, perhaps more effectively. It also gives me access to infrastructure (systems and policies) for more consistent management and control. I need to be on top of that.

The core of my 'style' is relational, even familial. I rely on the formal and informal pathways to influence and to get feedback. Leadership by example, service leadership. These are key terms I like hearing, and I try to practice. Finally, I like inspiring people towards a goal, a vision. I'd like people owning that dream and be motivated intrinsically.

What's your leadership style like? How do you get people to do what you want them to do, what should be done?



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The Open Fabcast 3 & 4

Two Episodes, Back to Back!!!

The conclusion...



Music credits:
“I Got A Boy” by Girls’ Generation
“Winter Rose/Love Awake” by Paul McCartney & Wings
“The Game Is On” (from the soundtrack of BBC's Sherlock, season 1) by David Arnold & Michael Price
“Take A Chance On Me” by Erasure

==============================

The Open Fabcast, Part 4



Music credits:
“Do It Again” by Robyn & Röyksopp
“The Game Is On” (from the soundtrack of BBC's Sherlock, season 1) by David Arnold & Michael Price
“Runaway” by Kanye West Feat. Pusha T
“Love Is A Bourgeois Concept” by the Pet Shop Boys




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The Open Fabcast 2

Probably the most contentious of the arrangements...





Music credits:
"Let It Go" (from the soundtrack of the movie "Frozen") by Edina Menzel
"On The Move" (from the soundtrack of BBC's "Sherlock", season 1) by David Arnold & Michael Price
"Hanky Panky" (from the soundtrack of the movie "Dick Tracy") by Madonna



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We, the laborers

To all of us who toil daily
no matter the lot or circumstance
for an honest day's wage
despite conditions, mood or temperament
Upon our shoulders are built
Companies, societies and nations
This is our day
Each drop of sweat, or sigh from weariness
We honor today
We may be unsung, underappreciated
undercompensated
But just for this one day
Our labor is recognized
Loved and prayed for.


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