I met this very young raider personally when I visited him in the city down south. We had a pleasant time chatting. Instantly, I knew he had loads of stories to share. I asked him to write one for the blog. I post it here.
Loving someone whom you haven't even met is not just hard, but foolish in a lot of sense. It may be the most desperate thing you may have done if love is the only thing that matters to you. It may be the form of love where you can actually pretend to be someone else and the person you're loving is actually not the person you expect him to be in real life. Nevertheless, it is the event where the greatest fictional love stories are made.
This story, unlike other fictional gay drama, is the story of how I came to fall in love with a person whom I haven't seen or even added in Facebook. This is not new to me. I once had a relationship with this ghost person through phone calls and text messages. It is not that I was way too foolish to believe the character or the personality of the person, but I fell for was the emotions and feelings involved. It was magical; almost true in a sense. Even if it only happened in our imagination; even if it only occurred in our inbox and call logs; even if I was only shown two or three pictures of the person, I admit that I gave up my entire affection. The relationship ended because, in the first place, it had to end. It is not because I have come to realize how foolish it was to be part of something fantastic, but the fictional boyfriend in my inbox claimed he was about to die.
This time, I met another person who might belong in the same story line. Only this time I had all means of confirming his identity, except one. I didn't want to pass judgement because, truth be told I loved him. I probably loved the person I have come to know through our small conversations over the phone and the sweet text I get. He is a resident in PGH, or so he claimed. I met him over this website and I started to converse with him through messaging. We ended up calling each other, sharing stories of how our days went by.
I was skeptical of his character so I started to ask questions related to his education in med school. To my surprise, he could tell me everything about it without hesitation. As if he really went there. He could even speak about terms that only medicine students and doctors can understand. He had stories about his patients and how sick they were and what was the sickness all about.
From there, I started doubting less and believing more. His roots are from Davao and whenever I ask him about things related to it, he can tell me, as if he really was from Davao. I was in absolute awe of his consistency. Despite this, I still had one foot on the ground. Doubts never die; they could only be buried or be hidden. The one thing I always asked of him was to add me on Facebook so I can see how his life is. But he always had an excuse (which I accepted wholeheartedly) not to add me yet.
Time went by, and our conversations over the phone went strong and firm. I was falling for him little by little. He made promises: to court me when we meet, to give me his utmost attention and to love me for who I am. He even sensed my lingering doubt. He understood why I did not allow him to court me just yet. We were going strong; I was happy and it was the sole reason why I deleted all gay social sites I had in my possession, because the prospect of him seemed very, very true and real to me. Until that day.
You see, since he was in med school, he was already suffering from peptic ulcer. His habit of forgetting to eat lead to cancer. Even when he first entered his internship, he told me he always forgot to eat. Suddenly he claimed he was about to die. It was heartbreaking. Even until now, as I write this, I'm welling up with tears. Before it was diagnosed as cancer, he had a stomach ache beyond anything he had experienced before. So he has to be rushed to the hospital and got operated. He was scared even if he is a doctor. It was his first time to get operated on. I could only comfort him and cheer him up and tell him "everything's gonna be alright". We thought that after the operation, he would be alright. So he planned to send me to Manila so that we could see each other (finally). However, after the first operation, complications showed up. He had to be operated on again which meant he couldn't process whatever I need to book a flight. I couldn't book my own because I was still studying. My allowance couldn't buy me a ticket. After his second operation, it took him days before he let me in on his condition. Cancer cells had scattered in the stomach going to the liver. He told me this, I was riding on a public utility jeepney. I had to go alight and stand at one street corner to listen intently and with utmost care. We were both crying, I was crying on the street as I heard him crying hysterically over the phone. He wasn't ready for it and yet he got it.
Whenever I tried to call, he wouldn't pick up; whenever I sent him a text, he wouldn't reply immediately. It always had to be him to make the call and text because he is weak from chemo. Then, one day I got a call from him. He wasn't as lively. He sounded weak. He was crying. Then he told me he was dying. I couldn't bring myself to understand. It just did not make sense to me. Why did he have to die?..... The only thought I had in mind was the fear and anxiety that this may be a rerun of my previous experience.
But this time, I had my two feet back on solid ground. I felt cheated. I felt being played around. I did not even end the call properly. I just put my phone down and distracted myself. Though I couldn't escape the fact that he was dying.
Before I decided to finally write about this, I felt so helpless. At first, I did not understand why, but then I realized I was affected not just because he is dying, but because I was caught up again in a situation where I felt powerless. I wanted to be with him, not just to comfort him but to be there for him.
But I also want to go to find out if this feeling of anxiety, this fear, and powerlessness was real. I wanted to clear all doubts before someone goes dying on me yet again. But I never had the capability to go. And this is what made me feel worse. This made me feel more lost.
I didn't know even when he was going to die. All I want ed was to clear myself of all doubt. I didn't want to feel again that someone was playing with my feelings. I want to love the person I loved in texts and phone calls for real. I wanted things to be real.
This sounds familiar, doesn't it? Wasn't this his version of my "Talented Mr. Ripley"? Or is his real?
Loving someone whom you haven't even met is not just hard, but foolish in a lot of sense. It may be the most desperate thing you may have done if love is the only thing that matters to you. It may be the form of love where you can actually pretend to be someone else and the person you're loving is actually not the person you expect him to be in real life. Nevertheless, it is the event where the greatest fictional love stories are made.
This story, unlike other fictional gay drama, is the story of how I came to fall in love with a person whom I haven't seen or even added in Facebook. This is not new to me. I once had a relationship with this ghost person through phone calls and text messages. It is not that I was way too foolish to believe the character or the personality of the person, but I fell for was the emotions and feelings involved. It was magical; almost true in a sense. Even if it only happened in our imagination; even if it only occurred in our inbox and call logs; even if I was only shown two or three pictures of the person, I admit that I gave up my entire affection. The relationship ended because, in the first place, it had to end. It is not because I have come to realize how foolish it was to be part of something fantastic, but the fictional boyfriend in my inbox claimed he was about to die.
This time, I met another person who might belong in the same story line. Only this time I had all means of confirming his identity, except one. I didn't want to pass judgement because, truth be told I loved him. I probably loved the person I have come to know through our small conversations over the phone and the sweet text I get. He is a resident in PGH, or so he claimed. I met him over this website and I started to converse with him through messaging. We ended up calling each other, sharing stories of how our days went by.
I was skeptical of his character so I started to ask questions related to his education in med school. To my surprise, he could tell me everything about it without hesitation. As if he really went there. He could even speak about terms that only medicine students and doctors can understand. He had stories about his patients and how sick they were and what was the sickness all about.
From there, I started doubting less and believing more. His roots are from Davao and whenever I ask him about things related to it, he can tell me, as if he really was from Davao. I was in absolute awe of his consistency. Despite this, I still had one foot on the ground. Doubts never die; they could only be buried or be hidden. The one thing I always asked of him was to add me on Facebook so I can see how his life is. But he always had an excuse (which I accepted wholeheartedly) not to add me yet.
Time went by, and our conversations over the phone went strong and firm. I was falling for him little by little. He made promises: to court me when we meet, to give me his utmost attention and to love me for who I am. He even sensed my lingering doubt. He understood why I did not allow him to court me just yet. We were going strong; I was happy and it was the sole reason why I deleted all gay social sites I had in my possession, because the prospect of him seemed very, very true and real to me. Until that day.
You see, since he was in med school, he was already suffering from peptic ulcer. His habit of forgetting to eat lead to cancer. Even when he first entered his internship, he told me he always forgot to eat. Suddenly he claimed he was about to die. It was heartbreaking. Even until now, as I write this, I'm welling up with tears. Before it was diagnosed as cancer, he had a stomach ache beyond anything he had experienced before. So he has to be rushed to the hospital and got operated. He was scared even if he is a doctor. It was his first time to get operated on. I could only comfort him and cheer him up and tell him "everything's gonna be alright". We thought that after the operation, he would be alright. So he planned to send me to Manila so that we could see each other (finally). However, after the first operation, complications showed up. He had to be operated on again which meant he couldn't process whatever I need to book a flight. I couldn't book my own because I was still studying. My allowance couldn't buy me a ticket. After his second operation, it took him days before he let me in on his condition. Cancer cells had scattered in the stomach going to the liver. He told me this, I was riding on a public utility jeepney. I had to go alight and stand at one street corner to listen intently and with utmost care. We were both crying, I was crying on the street as I heard him crying hysterically over the phone. He wasn't ready for it and yet he got it.
Whenever I tried to call, he wouldn't pick up; whenever I sent him a text, he wouldn't reply immediately. It always had to be him to make the call and text because he is weak from chemo. Then, one day I got a call from him. He wasn't as lively. He sounded weak. He was crying. Then he told me he was dying. I couldn't bring myself to understand. It just did not make sense to me. Why did he have to die?..... The only thought I had in mind was the fear and anxiety that this may be a rerun of my previous experience.
But this time, I had my two feet back on solid ground. I felt cheated. I felt being played around. I did not even end the call properly. I just put my phone down and distracted myself. Though I couldn't escape the fact that he was dying.
Before I decided to finally write about this, I felt so helpless. At first, I did not understand why, but then I realized I was affected not just because he is dying, but because I was caught up again in a situation where I felt powerless. I wanted to be with him, not just to comfort him but to be there for him.
But I also want to go to find out if this feeling of anxiety, this fear, and powerlessness was real. I wanted to clear all doubts before someone goes dying on me yet again. But I never had the capability to go. And this is what made me feel worse. This made me feel more lost.
I didn't know even when he was going to die. All I want ed was to clear myself of all doubt. I didn't want to feel again that someone was playing with my feelings. I want to love the person I loved in texts and phone calls for real. I wanted things to be real.
This sounds familiar, doesn't it? Wasn't this his version of my "Talented Mr. Ripley"? Or is his real?
3 comments:
It sounded real. But I can't connect to the story. I can't imagine myself loving someone that long and we even haven't seen each other yet?
I was naive when I was younger but if the guy didn't make and effort to see me, then i'd just drop the whole thing off.
^^^likewise
Unfair
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