consulted with my therapist @mcvie :-) last night, over chocolate, coffee and coke zero.
he was so nice to offer some free time to chat, analyze, dissect cc at his emo moment. aside from the therapy session, i was eager to see him and just have a nice catch-up conversation, between two seahorses born weeks apart (pisces-horse zodiac signs).
why are you so bothered by comments from your readers? why dont you just zap those you don't agree with?
talking to @mcvie made me explore the answers in so many levels.
people-pleaser. perhaps partly an inborn trait. both my parents are very sociable. popular. and i was a natural, putting people at ease, being friendly and approachable. i liked seeing people smile and agree with me.
and also, it comes with being in marketing half of my life, a predisposition to think of the 'consumer', 'end-user'. a skill critical to my career.
affirmation-seeking. no surprise for a middle child. fighting for attention and affirmation with five siblings.
beyond that, the blog has become another source of affirmation with the raiders' comments as evidence. since day one of the blog, i looked forward to the comments, the contributions of the raiders eagerly. reinforced by positive comments, i become mindful of what raiders will comment, thinking that each and every raider is so precious because they even bothered to read and comment. i have then started to be bothered by nega comments, comments that may mean i have displeased the very few who have even taken time off to follow the blog.
that thinking also led me to aspire to be a better writer, aware that i dont even deserve the title 'writer'. i read with envy some of those well-written blogs, cited by others for their prose and poetry. a carry-over of my competitiveness, i also sought that recognition, even though at the back of my mind i knew it was a pipe dream.
all of these thoughts have led me to stray from the primary purpose of my blogging - to express my self, share my thoughts.
@mcvie knocked sense into my head. he reminded me of that blog soul (and the power of comments moderation). even as i truly appreciate raiders and their comments, i should not be held hostage by them. and though a public journal puts me in this predicament of receiving both positive and negative comments, i must be of a better disposition to appreciate either. yet not to be so affected either way as to change my style and my purpose.
ultimately, i write to record my thoughts and express myself, and to communicate sometimes even just to me. so even if i have just one raider, i would continue to churn out these entries, because i am already made a better person just by writing them.
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