SAHC: The Retreat

i finished a retreat recently, a spiritual retreat. the last time i attended one was about 10 years ago. and before that, it was in high school.

i know we had annual live-in retreats but what i remember is the one we had in our senior year. we had our retreat at an antipolo retreat house. it wasnt something i was looking forward to. i felt so uncomfortable sleeping with my classmates in dorm-type accommodations. i know i wouldnt be able to sleep with other boys snoring or being boistereous. and the concept of furtive blow jobs or even jack offs were just too alien to me. i just took comfort that my gelfriends were with me.

retreats always had someone crying or breaking down. that happens during the late evening, with some particularly dramatic spiel of the retreat master. during that activity, the retreat master was, of course, making us feel guilty about all our sinfulness. at that age, it was usually pornography and masturbation. and maybe lying and cheating. the room was dark, except for one light focused on a veiled image of the Cross. then he suddenly draws the veil, making us focus on the suffering Christ, suffering because of our evil ways. sobbing in the background.

then came the testimonies. the breast-beating. the mea culpas. the emotional breakdown. i tried to cry. but all i could muster was a yawn. it didnt hit me at all. and all i could think about was how to try to get some sleep after.

the following day was resolution and commitment-setting. the 'i promise not to jerk off anymore' among others. that comes during the long mass. me and my gelfriends were thinking of our boyfriends in the other sections to take anything seriously.

i really didnt take any of that seriously then. high school was just too much fun to take anything seriously, except my studies.

retreats and recollections are different for me now. though i still hesitate to attend, i immerse myself fully in the moment. and use the time to truly be reflective. i definitely could use the down time. i dont end up making major major resolutions and commitments. but the activity itself is enough for me to review my relationship with Him and be renewed.

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