Sunday, September 18, 2011

bakit mo ako ginawang bakla

in this advanced age of mine, i have come to accept and embrace my homosexuality, my sexual and romantic attraction towards men.

a young friend was unwittingly brought out of the family closet by his parents. and though he is a very strong, resolute young man, you could see the pain in his eyes as he recalled the confrontation. i know that there is fear of an uncertain future where his family is concerned.

i feel for him deeply.

i recall my own crisis. i recall how i questioned His will. how, on earth could He have made me this way, if only to suffer? why would He choose this life for me? this abominable lust for other men! why couldn't He have made me straight? Yes, i couldn't help but blame Him for being gay. I would never have chosen this, knowing the ostracism, the anguish, the possible shutout by my family, society, by the church.

that was how i used to think.

until i found myself accepted by my family, loved by my friends. more so now, i know that this is not a curse. im gay. and it's a blessing. i don't know how i could have accomplished all that i had in my education, in my career if i were straight. i know some eyebrows remain raised by this lifestyle choice of mine. but i exist not for them. but for those whom i love and serve.

i am reminded of just how wise He is by today's readings. and how puny our little minds work:
for my thoughts are not your thoughts... as high as the heavens are above the earth, so high are ... my thoughts above your thoughts...
with my infantile logic and reason then, i was so ready to declare war on Him! i was so angry because i couldn't figure out why he made me gay.

i look back at all of it now and i am humbled. i couldn't have known what He had planned for me. and how it all makes sense, with an elegant wisdom only He possesses.

i always find comfort in His words. what my head could not figure out, my faith resolves for me.

i just have to trust Him. believe in Him. have faith in Him.


Anonymous said...

"this lifestyle choice of mine"? On the one hand you blame Him for making you gay but on the other, you call it your lifestyle choice. I'm confused. Or, maybe you are still confused. Which is it?

thepurpleman said...

same same...its so funny when you look back to all those years of denial,repression and all the, im just free as my hair.

krj8827 said...

hi cc. discovered your blog recently and i've been reading it the past week -- i'm hooked :-)
would like to comment privately on this and tried that email add you posted some time back, closet_case07 at yahoo-- but my email bounced