my personal trainer was whispering to me during our last workout: boss, ang daming nagtatanong kung ilan taon ka na raw. ganda raw ng katawan mo. sabi nila, gusto nila pag kasing edad ka na nila, ganyan rin daw ang katawan nila. pak!
so im kinda feeling insulted rather then complimented, as his intention was. and its not as if im denying my age. i dont bother to hide that. but i always thought that i didnt look the part. that i was probably looking much younger.
and that self-perception (delusion?) runs much deeper. i contrast myself with fellowfab & age-range mcvie who recently posted something about age and accepting himself and his body as it is. there is some resignation, perhaps, in the tone. but it is really more of acceptance and even joy in the realization.
even a cousin of mine feels the same way. a few years older than me, we used to be both concerned about weight and flab. and he would miraculously transform his body thru sheer discipline. last may, i saw him and he has gotten back to his 'fuller' self. and it's the same thing, same attitude. he'd rather enjoy life and food. and just eat healthily. besides, he reasons, being thin at our age makes our faces sag.
at this point, i dont feel the same way as they do. i still workout. i still diet. i still muster the discipline. because i still can. it's just so much part of my system. however, on the other side, i still that have that attitude that i am at the same level as guys a decade or more younger than me. feeling ko, kaya ko pang makipagsabayan sa kanila. weird no?
slowly, however, i think i'm waking up to the reality. i cannot bring back the bench presses and squats and deadlift weights i used to carry. trying brings me injury, ive realized. even at my best 17% bodyfat, i had the flat tire around my midsection. even as the veins of my arms, chest, the striations on my muscles are already coming out. fellowfab tony tells me that surgical intervention is required at my age.
or just self-acceptance. that this is as good as it gets. and that maybe, it aint so bad.
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