... had i been blogging at the age of aleph. with such self-awareness and honesty, aleph reveals some of his issues, which ill call 'middle-class syndrome'. and i could hear myself whining the same way then.
the pre-occupation with having my own car drove me (pun intended) to make the career choices i did. i also knew early on in my career that if i wanted to have a car pronto, it would be in an industry that gave employees vehicles as part of the job. i cannot wait for the time i could afford my own car. so choosing the industry, the company was fairly easy. so i worked my butt off to deserve that car, to rise up the ranks.
so i eventually got a car, different cars, even. and beyond that, i have my own cars now. and all the trappings that comes with my current position. yes, self-made. yes, comfortable now. far removed from the time i was just like you, aleph, doing exactly the same things you are doing - penny-pinching, lugging my bag and my baon around, saving up for special occasions, and tutoring those that we secretly envy.
i didnt have 'class issues' with my exes then. i pretty much dated within my social circle. (oops. i recall dating someone from a well-to-do family. but that didn't last long enough for issues to come out)
but guess what, aleph, after all i've been through, with all the comfort around, i still have those pangs of insecurity. why? because no amount of money will ever be enough to keep up with the Joneses. i will always be middle class. and when i find myself comparing what i have with others beyond me, it hits me again. there will always be so much more material things beyond my capacity to afford. so it's all in the head, kid.
and speaking of boyfriends and class differences, im with someone right now who is not just much younger than me, but also comes from a higher social class than me. the differences may not manifest in financial terms now. but they remain there. so if i let my stupid insecurities eat me up,we'll end up with much argument.
your self-awareness is already a major step. i wish i was as aware then when i was your age. if your boyfriend is not yet aware of it, it may help to talk about it, and recognize it as your issue that you are working on. and that some patience from his side will be required as you sort it out. (as if you were asking for advice!)
mega-relate lang ko sa post ni aleph. thanks, kid.