Sunday, December 13, 2009

user friendly

im flattered at some of the positive comments on the grand eb post. it made me feel like i am a person interesting enough for people to read, to get to know.

ive been trying to be more 'aware', in the tony de mello sense of the word. i try to be aware of my 'self' in the third person pov, particularly when i am feeling strong emotions, anger, irritation, lust...

moony dropped by the condo. it was nice seeing him. he looked awfully cute. and i felt this surge of desire again. he was trying to keep some distance, trying to keep it friendly. i watched myself play up to his continuing attraction for me. i asked for a brief massage for my aching body. he was kind enough to indulge me. i wanted something more. and i got it. he stopped resisting.

i visited carlito. he is this sexy former therapist, who has moved his way up the ladder of the spa he works at. he doesnt do massage anymore. but he didnt refuse when i asked for him at the counter. i knew he still had a soft spot for me.

he was playing it cool and professional. but he turned me on. i kissed him as we finished my body scrub. he gave in. and we had it wild and wet right there. massage service cancelled in favor of closer body contact.

that is how selfish i am, i could be. i played up to their attraction to get my release. at first i felt this power over them. that in itself was already an aphrodisiac. then i watched this emotion turn to guilt and disgust. nothing admirable in me at all.


Ming Meows said...

ganun lang talaga. pag nandun ka na, mahirap i-resist ang tukso.

migs, the manila gay guy said...

i wonder where the guilt is coming from, cc. i thought that a lot of what we imagine as our power to control people can be imaginary. if moony and carlito did what they did with you without your coercion, they are as responsible as you are in what happened. did they give in really because you "played up to their attraction"? or did they actually also want it to happen? what could possible be their pov?

i'm a narnian said...

circle of influence.

it happened because they also wanted it to happen. I agree with MGG.

control is such a strong word. :)

closet case said...

@m_m di naman malaking issue etoh?

@mgg good point. they may actually want the same thing as i did. sex.

@outednarnian you suggest 'influence'?