Post-May 9: Now what?

When I chose Leni over Junior, I felt strongly that his presidency will be bad for the country. Despite his calm and “I will speak no evil against my fellow candidates and just talk about unity” consistent stance, he is part of an entire machinery that has stolen from my tax money, that has bribed their way to wealth, that has lied and has perpetuated misinformation, that has allowed the killing of thousands of people during Martial Law as part of the anti-insurgency campaign, during the war on drugs.  I cannot begin to think how Junior will NOT be any of these if he becomes president ESPECIALLY because he himself has lied, has evaded paying taxes, has denied (and even enabled) the atrocities, the injustice and the plunder of his family. 

I was presented with an option to change that. And I stood up and was counted in the rallies. I wore my color and contributed in my little way to the campaign. And I voted for LeniKiko.

Now that he is the presumptive president-elect, and his slate and colleagues are back, I am resigned to the Fates.  However, I am wishing and praying for a few things:

- His administration to champion some transparency in the entire election process and answer some nagging details on the counting, transmission, etc. That, to my mind, can start the Unity he has been advocating. 

- That I am dead wrong on my aforementioned assumptions. That he would form a cabinet that will stop bribery and corruption, that will prioritize health and education, attract investment and create jobs, stop extra-judicial killings and provide justice, respond smartly, pro-actively to threats of natural disasters, epidemics and prevent death and disease, defend our lands and our seas. Never mind that he did not articulate this during his campaign. Just do it. I will be watching.

- That he would model some modesty in lifestyle, some prudence in living despite being ‘so New York’ as a beacon to his cabinet, to all government officials and employees.

But even as I pray hard for what may be a pipe dream, I remain a tax-paying, law-abiding citizen of the Philippines. I want to engage friends who are his supporters as I want to truly understand why they chose him. What was the thought process? What was the basis of the decision? What were the information sources? I will try to withhold judgment and just try to understand. But if in the process, I realize that they continue to spread lies and malign Leni and my candidates, I will not stand for that. Yes, I can, and will, end friendships on that basis.

I will call out misinformation, fake news, historical revisionism. I, too, am at fault, for not having spoken out before, for having been lax and complacent to protect the freedoms we won in 1986. I will share what is true and right. 

I will support Leni’s advocacies in whatever way I can. She has lit up a fire within, based on hope of what could be. Even without a formal seat in government, she is wielding this power for the better. I am eager to get it started and contribute, yet remain vigilant.

I suffered two losses in a matter of days: my mother’s passing and the loss of my candidates. And as I grieve, I also know that in time, I will just have to get on with life. But I must hold on to the good and the true. And stand up for it. For my Nanay. For this country. 

She is Home.

I left for the beach house the day after the funeral. I have not had my ugly cry. Just like when Tatay passed, I did not have the breakdown moment from his passing at the hospital to the final laying at the cemetery. But this time, with Nanay, I felt my heart wanting to give in numerous times. The exquisite emotional pain translating to actual physical pain: my chest suddenly feeling heavy, somewhere within my palms a dull throbbing. I would breathe in deeply and the moment would pass, a willful decision to remain steadfast.

But with her laying at the cemetery yesterday, I was fully prepared to mourn and grieve. I even saw that suddenly, there was high chance of rain in the mid afternoon. Perfect setting for my dramatic breakdown.

I arrived to a warm, breezy, bright sunny beach. It was just beautiful, not a cloud in sight. Hmmm no dark and gloom to accompany me in my grief. Yet, I was able to finally trigger my outpouring by stitching my photos of last moments with her. Making the video was ultimately cathartic for me.

But my ugly cry was not prolonged. For my stay there, I was blessed with the best weather and perfect sunsets. It is as if she is saying that she is in a good place. She is with Tatay. And I should live my life and enjoy it … for all is good. 

She is home.