emo moment

once again. gloom.
coincides with the raindrops outside.

not everything is fine and dandy with my situationship. im starting to feel restless. im thinking that i've been trying too hard to make something work between moony and me. i remember how miggs would put it during our class: 'dont force fit the case to the model or framework.'

and that's what ive been doing. some of the guys i meet and date, i get to really, really like. the getting-to-know-you phase is exciting as i start discovering more and more of his character, his taste. but not all of them are always cute or funny or agreeable. but heck, nobody's perfect anyway. so despite these 'gaps', i try to romanticize and picture a relationship happening between us. i even end up rationalizing away some of these gaps. (like those gaps i have with moony). and for a while, i am able to convince myself.

but slowly it comes back. these gaps. they don't go away. and i start to realize how i've been trying to force fit this guy or that into the mold of "the ultimate one". and when i finally confront these, i start to lose it, the excitement, the magic. and i become restless. and i end up hurting another person once again. i hate myself for having to put people through this.

i warn them. i tell them that i'm not going to rush into anything. that i'd like to get to know them better first. i try not to set expectations. but they still do. they start expecting and hoping. and i start struggling on my exit strategy. how to put break it gently. but it can never be gentle. it's not you, it's me. what a cliche.

i dont know if im really relationship-material (or jowa material). i can't hold on long enough.

i'm better off alone.

south bitching diet

my first full week doing this diet plan. people tell me they are seeing results. a colleague referred this provider of south beach-based meals delivered at your doorstep everyday. so in desperation, i called up and signed up.

i started last sunday. they delivered promptly at 730pm and they have been doing that ever since. each bag contains breakfast, AM snack, lunch, PM snack and dinner. dinner comes with sugarfree iced tea and sugarfree gelatin. they are part of the triple v restos. so the food actually tastes good.
this is supposed to be cheaper than the offer from rachel alejandro. it comes out to about P650/day...

i havent even read the book. so dont ask me about the science behind it (or the lack of it). of course, ive been working out double time, too. so im putting all effort behind trying to see my most ideal body, ever.

wish me luck.

almost sex yet again: rebound

i hardly go to bars now. last time was palawan 2 a couple of weeks ago. though i did get lucky that night, getting the latest trick had ceased to become the great motivator for partying every weekend. well, yeah, moony is part of that decision, too.

but i had to drop by this neighborhood bar's party recently. i owe to my owner-friends. i remained sober, about 90% non-alcoholic. drinking just coke zero is also part of my diet plan. i over-eat pulutan and overdrink calorie-laden beer. so i was maintaining this tipsy-free attitude, and just having nice conversation with friends i havent seen in a while.

and as much as i wanted to remain unaffected by all the available guys there, one of the young uns caught my eye. i just found him really sexy. and soon, i was making polite conversation with him. i was trying not to be too flirty. specially since the guy just broke up with his bf. earlier during the day. so im just trying to be nice. but hormones couldnt be controlled, and soon we were really brazenly flirting with each other.

to the condo, we went. delighted to realize that he is also so un-g0y. :) but even before anything could get started, his phone's ringing off the hook. it's ex desperately calling him. sudden mood shift and cute guy takes the call. and soon, an argument that ends with amends. cute guy apologizes and decides to leave.

cc, of course, accepts all this calmly, with former raging hard-on cooled to a nice quiet stump.

rebound sex never works. specially on day 1 of the break-up.

bc cc

sooooo sorry for the intermittent postings, the long periods of inactivity.

all aspects of cc life have been on toxic mode lately. the biggest, of course, remains to be work, with all campaigns for launching this month. then there's the construction project, a personal residence, that is both exhilarating and nerve-wracking in its attention to cost and detail! then there are the other projects, a wedding anniversary celebration, the nano-enterprise, the teaching load for the coming semester, the fitness goal (of getting a 30" waistline! hahaha), the moony telenovela, etc. etc. etc.

last year, it was around august-september when all these things were happening at the same time. it's happening a quarter earlier, just like the rainy season. hehe

the construction project is such an eye-opener when it comes to the extent of corruption. a simple building permit will go through five levels in our city. and at the first level, the development permit, i am already being asked to pay up P100T. im pulling all strings to try to bring this down.

work is also quite a challenge. campaigns about to break are now in full compliance with murphy's law: anything that could go wrong will go wrong! the patience needed i am still trying to muster. definitely, my blood pressure has been hovering a tad above comfortable. and the people are getting my sungit treatment when im overwhelmed.

the good news, im back on track when it comes to my fitness goal. im pretty happy with my adherence to my diet and my workout schedule. well, the results are not there yet but i remain motivated. (too bad i stupidly misplaced my ipod touch in a fitness branch recently. :( )

but i managed to find time to meet up with some of the fabcasters and other bloggers last sunday. it was nice seeing them again, and commiserating with gibbs. i met some new faces, new bloggers. and i realized how op (out of place) i was. all of them were bloggers who made it a habit to read each other's blogs and all others. they were carrying on conversations about bloggers, some of whom i was so clueless about. and i believe they represent who bloggers should be: people who write about their lives and take time to know other lives through, all through blogging.

and im not like that at all. i barely update myself on what the other fabcasters are blogging about, much less on those outside our circle. so i was there in the middle of a table and feeling like i was such a great pretender. oh well.

apologies to readers who comment. sorry i dont reply to the comments. but do know that each and every comment is read and appreciated!

sexual compatibility survey

i'd like to make a survey. how high up there in your list of must-haves in a relationship is sexual compatibility? do you consider this a major deal breaker? could a relationship last if sexual requirements don't seem to match?

seoulmate

moony, my koreanovelish bf, brought me to his hometown to meet his parents, and other members of the family one sunday afternoon. it was a short trip going there. the place is not very far from manila.

it was raining that sunday afternoon, so the rice paddies were muddy. we had to cross some fields on muddy pilapil to get to their humble home. the amorsolo-esque field was very serene. though the skies were still dark, there was that palpable peace and joy in their home. i was entertained like a king by his parents, both just a few years my senior. a full feast was laid out as our merienda. true pinoy hospitality.

theirs is a family of farmers. a life that revolves around the seasons of planting and harvesting. their income is marginal and had it not been for moony's resolve, he would have been a farmer, too. they have simple needs, simple wants. and i can only just admire moony in his desire to make a better life for them.

i didnt stay too long. i was afraid of walking along the slippery pilapil in the dark. i almost slipped but moony held me up. i had to leave moony there, so it was a trip home alone. but not without pabaons from his wonderful parents.

they asked him if i was his lover. (yes, he came out to them years ago) moony, of course, said that we were just friends, since i have not made any commitment yet. they said they found me nice.

little things like these endear moony to me. i find it so refreshing to be with him. there is just no ego in him, no issues, no hang-ups.

tnx bf. ingatan mo palagi sarili mo. alam ko busy ka. gusto kita palagi kasama pero alam ko di naman pwede. basta nandito lang ako para sa iyo. if you need me, sabihin mo lang at darating ako.
(thanks, bf. take care of yourself always. i know you are busy. i would want you to be with me always but i know that can't be. no matter, i'll just be here for you. if you need me, just say so and i'll be there.)

frozen flower

i just received this youtube from my taiwanese friend. its rare that i get to see such real passion in an M2M kiss. i wish there were subtitles.