once again. gloom.
coincides with the raindrops outside.
not everything is fine and dandy with my situationship. im starting to feel restless. im thinking that i've been trying too hard to make something work between moony and me. i remember how miggs would put it during our class: 'dont force fit the case to the model or framework.'
and that's what ive been doing. some of the guys i meet and date, i get to really, really like. the getting-to-know-you phase is exciting as i start discovering more and more of his character, his taste. but not all of them are always cute or funny or agreeable. but heck, nobody's perfect anyway. so despite these 'gaps', i try to romanticize and picture a relationship happening between us. i even end up rationalizing away some of these gaps. (like those gaps i have with moony). and for a while, i am able to convince myself.
but slowly it comes back. these gaps. they don't go away. and i start to realize how i've been trying to force fit this guy or that into the mold of "the ultimate one". and when i finally confront these, i start to lose it, the excitement, the magic. and i become restless. and i end up hurting another person once again. i hate myself for having to put people through this.
i warn them. i tell them that i'm not going to rush into anything. that i'd like to get to know them better first. i try not to set expectations. but they still do. they start expecting and hoping. and i start struggling on my exit strategy. how to put break it gently. but it can never be gentle. it's not you, it's me. what a cliche.
i dont know if im really relationship-material (or jowa material). i can't hold on long enough.
i'm better off alone.
7 comments:
you just haven't found your match yet. I think. :)
it must be the rain why we're getting emo again. ;-)
i think looking for perfection is futile or maybe you are not just fully in love. when i met my current partner, all my friends were telling me that he was totally not my type, but i fell in-love anyway. now, we've been together for 5 years and still going strong.
Ty
i agree with narnian.
there's just someone who'll take your breath away. almost everytime even you have such gaps.
hope you'll find your match soon. cheers! :-)
cge magmadre ka na lang!
nauulit na naman ba ang nakaraan cc?
I too found myself in a similar situation. But in my experience, I was on the losing end. I was in a relationship that started out awesome. But as time went by, his feelings became more subdued. I slowly realized that I was trying too hard to regain his affections. Of course, this eventually led to us parting ways.
I looked back over the years, and I began to realize that maybe I'm not the type of person who can be in a relationship with anyone. Maybe I'm not the type of person who can be truly close to anyone. Maybe I am better off alone.
I understand the "conventional" sentiments of most people, but I think that's an overly optimistic view of life/relationships/or what have you. We can't pick our battles, but we can choose to win them - even though our own solution might be different from others. After that, we pick ourselves up, and try not to make the same mistakes.
CC, just do the right thing. No need to tell you what it is.
-blitz
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