Broken Men

One is tall and sexy. American-Oriental mix. A polyglot. Diver, environmentalist.

One is short but lean and atheltic. Filipino but often mistaken as Latino. Madison Avenue hotshot.

Two men. Mid-40's. Fulfilling careers. Financially independent and very comfortable. Despite their age, they remain very hot and attractive. They go to a bar and they would have no problem getting laid. And I have seen this happen.

I know them separately. I am more than acquaintances with each of them, maybe even friends. Except we don't keep in touch as often. But I treasure whatever 'friendship' we have, built through the years.

Lately, I chatted them up. One happened months ago. The other was more recent. But when I got down to thinking about the conversations, I realized a common, parallel thread.

Despite both of them being attractive men in the peak of their careers, they are both single and uncommitted. And they both refer to themselves as 'broken'. They cannot and would not stay in relationships, though they are never wanting of guys professing their love for them. They both feel that they are too broken to even be capable of anything remotely committal. They have littered their history with shattered hearts. Yet you could sense the loneliness. And they tell you that they feel incomplete. They want to relate to another human being in a deeper way.

I initiated conversations to probe the reason behind that 'brokenness'. Again, some similarities arose, with family playing a central role in how they have become. There is some bitterness, coated with longing, as they talk about it. I wish I had more time and the space, to be the friend they need.

Who would have thought that with all the 'blessings' of good looks, stable careers, these two men would be wanting of love and intimacy.

There is a third man. But unlike them, he is in a relationship. He has found what he has been looking for. But his partner caught him being a flirt quite a few times, especially while in different states of inebriation. Thankfully, his partner was understanding. The incorrigible flirt that he is stems from a broken, insecure soul, ever needing affirmation. And I despise myself for it.

Broken men who need fixing. But how?


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Joby and Will 7

The next few days were quite a challenge for both of them. Will remained icy cold even as Joby moved back in. Joby made it a point to be home early and to cook for him. Will would still remain unmoved, sometimes even going home late at night, with no explanations . Joby knew that was his way of getting back at him. And though it would upset it, he would not express it. He was just going to roll with the punches.

"I'm having some of boys over this Friday." Will casually mentioned.

"Ah yeah? Ok. What do you want me to prepare?"

"Just your Pasta Putanesca. They love that. I'll pick up some roasted chicken and dessert along the way."

"Who's coming?"

"Just three of them - George, Steve and Allan."

Joby recalled that George and Steve are Will's friends from college, and Allan is Steve's partner.

"Ok. Great." He was happy that there would be this dinner. It was a way of thawing the ice between them. This only meant that Will was starting to 'normalize' relations.


The dinner was turning out well. When George, Steve and Will get together, one could expect lots of animated discussions, and laughter. And the range of topics they cover was so broad. Allan was his usual quiet self, being a decade younger than the three. Though he would find it hard to relate to all topics, whenever he would be familiar with a subject, he would contribute. And Will has way of making him feel part of the group, by bringing him in the conversation.

That same facility worked in reverse, too. Will was still quite cold with Joby, and not even bothering to acknowledge the food, the preparations, or even during conversation. But he knew it was part of the healing process. So he just stayed in the background and made sure they were all comfortable, and the wine was free flowing.

Maybe wine was too free flowing. Joby was shocked when Will suddenly injected a new topic.

"What would you do if you caught your lover cheating?"

"As in 'caught in the act' kind of cheating?"

"Well, not necessarily with dick in mouth! But you caught them dating. Or having this sweet, cheesy chat."

"Oh my! Those cybersex things?"

"hahaha no, just maintaining an online and offline affair."

Joby started to feel very uncomfortable. He wanted to stand up and grab something, but everything they need was all there. He just sat there and listened.

Allan spoke first. "If I caught you having an affair.." looking straight at Steve's eye. "I cut your dick off!"

Uproarious laughter followed. "How harsh, Allan! Can't you just maim it a bit?" countered George.

Steve teased the boyfriend "Well you'll never catch me. I'm just too smart for that."

"That's what you think!" Will butt in and winked at Allan. "Nobody's ever THAT smart he can't be found out." And his eyes darted towards Joby. Joby felt his face turning red.

"Seriously, would you break up with him, Allan?" asked George.

"Wait, let me clarify. Is there solid evidence of cheating?" asked Allan.

Will answered quite calmly. "Is admission evidence enough?"

There was this loud reaction of all the guests saying "Oh my God."

George replied. "That's so stupid. I would never admit to anything. Even if I am caught with his dick up my ass!"

Joby wanted to jump in and defend himself. But he knew better. So he bit his lip and just kept quiet.

Steve countered. "I would appreciate the honesty. At least he stopped lying." Joby felt relieved that someone was on his side, without meaning to be.

Will asked "So you wouldn't break up with him? You'd just forgive and forget?"

"If I love him enough, of course."

"That's BS." Allan interjected.

"Whoa!' George reacted. "Why would that be bullshit?"

"I mean, look, the guy just cheated and lied. You will just accept it like that??"

Steve replied "What else would you do? By nature, we are still men, still polygamous. So the sooner you accept, the better it would be for you." Joby wanted to hug Steve.

"And that's the reason we continue to perpetuate the stereotype that we can't hold on to relationships. That we justify our promiscuity with 'being biologically male'!"

"OMG the idealism of youth!" remarked Steve.

Will quickly butt in, before the discussion goes to another direction. "So I take it, Allan, that you would break up with a cheating boyfriend."

"Breaking up would be letting him off easy! I'd cut his dick first." Allan proudly answered.

"How about you, George? What would you do if you caught your boyfriend cheating on you?"

"I haven't had a boyfriend in so long! (laughs) I wouldn't even complain anymore! Just give me a boyfriend!"

"Come on. Just consider the situation."

"Ok, fine. I'd get the facts first. I'd want to know how deep the affair has gotten. For all I know, it's just an extended one night stand."

Will asked "You mean there would be levels of cheating?"

"Well, yes. Now that you put it that way. I would distinguish a full-blown covert affair from a repeating sexual thing. And everything else in between. Because if my boyfriend tells me and assures me that it is just something casual, I'd probably ask him to just stop it. But a full-blown affair threatens my relationship. And that is what I can't live with. I might as well be the one to go."

"How about you?" George asked Will. Joby began squirming in his seat.

"I wouldn't have thought twice and just break up." Joby looked at Will dejectedly.

"I would be imagining the betrayal over and over again. And I wouldn't know how to trust again." Joby was wondering if Will was trying to tell him something at this point. Is it over?

"But then again, I would not be so quick anymore. If I had time to weigh things."

"Like what things?" asked Steve.

"Well, just like George, I guess. And I need to be re-assured again and again and again." Joby got it. Will was telling him something. And it would be up to him to make sure that Will is reassured again and again and again.

"How about you, Joby?" George suddenly turned around to face Joby. "You've been too quiet there."

He felt his face turn red. But he could always blame the wine for it. He cleared his throat "Uhmm, I believe everybody deserves a second chance. If he sincerely tells me that the affair is over, I would have to believe him. I would think that the relationship is worth saving."

"Really?" Will answered with a tone of sarcasm.

Joby could feel the sting of that remark, just like a million little arrows hitting his heart bullseye. "Yes. People make mistakes. We should be forgiving."

Allan butt in. "But how do you trust him again? How could you?"

Joby paused before answering. "I know it would be very very hard to earn trust back once broken. But I don't think it's impossible. And maybe, that's up to the person to make sure he could be worth that trust." He felt like he was being grilled.

"I don't know. Honesty. Trust. These are big things for me. Deal breakers." Allan opined.

Will countered. "Allan, I used to be like that, too. But maybe, reality would just force you to not be brash and to think things through. Maybe the relationship is worth saving."

Joby almost jumped up with that response. He wanted to hug and kiss Will for saying that. And luckily, a new topic emerged and that issue on infidelity was closed.

When the guests all left, Joby was clearing up the table, his heart a bit lighter now. Will entered the dining area, bringing some of the wine glasses left from the living room.

"You will have to work very hard to make me trust you again."

Joby stopped what he was doing and went up to Will. He looked straight into his eyes and just said

"Yes, Babe. I'll do whatever it takes. I can never take away the pain you felt. But I know I can convince you that I am worth keeping, Babe. What we have is worth it all. I was so stupid to have laid it on the line. But never again, Babe. Never again." He kissed Will on the lips. At first, Will's lips wouldn't part. But slowly, it opened again. And he felt the warm moistness of his tongue.

The passion well up inside of him, of them. And he knew, slowly, that everything would be getting back to normal. To routine.

And he loved it.

Milestone

WOW! I finally reached 400. Ang babaw, no? LOL  It's just that I never thought it would get to this point.  I have been at 300+ for the longest time.  And when it got to the 390+, I became excited.  And that was two years ago.  LOL But I am really grateful!  And to that 400th raider, you have a special treat from cc! :)

Joby and Will 6

He realized he only had two days worth of clothes. He took a leave to try to sneak in the unit in the morning, while Will would be at the office. He was not able to get much sleep, despite all the drinking the night before.

The images of Will and Benedict continued to haunt him. His memories, and all the feelings that came with them, were all jumbled up. He knew Ben was just a call away, just waiting for him. Yet he couldn't bring himself to make that decision. What was stopping him?

Wasn't this what he had been planning all along? Wasn't the plan to leave Will and go back to Manila and be with Ben? Benedict represented what was new and exciting in his life, something that contrasted with his life with Will. He was young, and still full of fun, even silliness. Oh, he could make Joby laugh. But he also knew that a life with an up and coming doctor would be a challenge. He would still need to study for the next few years. His career would just be starting, and with it the sense of security, including financial security. How would he manage? Or the irregular hours he would be keeping once he starts his hospital duty. The emergency calls in the middle of the night, or of a movie or dinner.

His youth and all the sexiness is one thing. Now he realized that these wouldn't be the foundation of relationship. There would be so much uncertainty in a future with Ben. And that contrasted again, sharply with the certainty that he had always had with Will.

Certainty, security and that sense of being home. Their home life has become routine, yes. And even boring. But curiously, that was what he loved about it. He loved the everyday-ness of life with Will, even if there were fights, and shouting matches. He loved that Will had always known what he wanted for them. And he made sure to achieve that. He was never selfish about anything. He was actually generous to a fault.

And now, had all that been just thrown to waste because of his stupid indiscretion? Has he just ruined what could be the perfect future? What was he thinking? How could he have been so stupid, so insensitive and so short-sighted?

Looking around the place just strengthened his resolve to fix his broken relationship with Will. He was going to win him back, no matter what. He was going to show him that he was still worth it. And that he is so full of remorse over the hurt, the pain, the infidelity.

He needed to plan how to do it. But it had to start with making one final call. To Ben.

He sent a message first. "Is it a good time to talk?"

In a few seconds, his phone was already ringing, with Ben on the other line.

"Hey. How have you been?"

"I'm ok. I'm back in the apartment."

"Oh. He took you back?"

"Ah no, not really. I sneaked back in. How's your school?"

"It's ok. Taking a break from reading."

"Ben, I need to tell you something."

"It's going to be that kind of call." Benedict replied slowly, sadly.

"Ben... I need to fix what I have with Will."

"Yeah, fix that and break up with me, right?"

Joby paused a bit, his own heart was breaking as he had to deliver the good bye line.

"Ben, you will always be special to me. I just don't think it will work out in the end, you know, the two of us."

He heard quiet sobbing on the other line. "That's so different from what we used to talk about. What changed?"

"I don't know, Ben. I never realized how deeply I would get into this with you. And that pain that I have caused Will." He also felt tears rolling down his eyes.

"You know, I didn't realize this was going to be the outcome. I thought with what happened..."

"I'm sorry, Ben. I really am."

"Me, too." Ben sniffs a bit. "Fuck. And exams are coming up."

"Oh shit, Ben. I'm sorry."

"I better hang up now." And Ben did. Just like that. He got out of Joby's life.

Joby could still feel the tears rolling. He hated goodbyes. He hated breaking up. He was never really good at it. He hated having to break Ben's heart. That young heart. He hated himself.

But he had made a choice. And as he looked around, he reminded himself of what needed to be done. He needed to win Will back.

He left the unit to go back to the hotel. He picked up his stuff and checked out. He was going to be back in the unit. And when Will comes home, he will be waiting for him.


Will arrived from work, a bit earlier than usual. He was still in zombie mode, just going through the motions. So he decided to forego working out that night. He was just in no mood. He was still so angry and so hurt.

The betrayal was the worst thing. He kept on replaying what he read. And imagining all sorts of rendezvous scenes behind his back. He started recalling the alleged business trips he took. Maybe they weren't business trips at all. They were really illicit encounters with this medical student.

Yeah, he had gathered as much. It was easy to find his social media profiles. He was able to piece together the profile of Benedict. He saw pictures. Yes, he was attractive, even hot. He had loads of bare-chested pictures, displaying the pecs and abs. Fuck. No wonder Joby fell all over the guy. He was a picture-perfect profile of a mistress. Young, sexy. Will just became more depressed as he compared his own aging body, his never-going-away flabby midsection.

He was pouring through the pictures, thinking he would see a picture of Joby and him together. The kid was careful. He never saw any picture. He covered his tracks.

Lies. All the lies. All the cover-ups. All the while, he was looking stupid. No, he WAS stupid for just believing all of it. He fell for each and every excuse. They must have been laughing themselves silly thinking they were getting away with it. He hated them. He hated Joby. He hated him for destroying their home. And their dreams. And all the memories they have built together.

And here he was again, in the unit they have called their home. And the memories will rush back in.

He opened the door to see white roses and petals artfully scattered on the floor, making some sort of path.

"Job? What are you doing here?" He wanted to be angry. But at that moment, he was more curious than furious. He followed the path of petals and roses to the bedroom. He noticed that the linens have been changed. And on the glistening silky duvet cover, the petals spelled "I AM SORRY"

He didn't know how to react. "Job, are you here?"

Joby stepped out of the bathroom, carrying another bouquet, white roses.

"Yes, Babe. Please, please forgive me, Will." Joby pleaded and offered the bouquet.

Suddenly, Will remembered his anger. But with less ferocity this time "Your theatrics won't erase the pain."

"I know that, Babe. I just wanted to show you how sincerely sorry I am. I have no excuses. But please, Babe, please take me back."

Will left the bedroom and got himself a beer. He deliberately stepped on the petals and roses.

"How could you do this? I trusted you. I gave you all."

"Babe, I am just so sorry..."


"I want to just hit you, to make you feel the pain!"

"Then hit me, Babe. I deserve it."

Will just shouted. "Arrgh! I HATE YOU!"

"But I love you, Babe. I love you still."

Will turned to him. "So, where is this hot young intern now?"

"Babe, he is out of our lives. Totally out of it. I ended that. I want you, Babe. Take me back, please."

"How sure am I that it's all over? How will I ever trust you again? YOU MADE ME FEEL STUPID!"

"No, Babe. I didn't mean to. There really is nothing anymore between us. Honest!"

"Oh fuck, you even dare say "Honest?" Are you fucking kidding me?"

"No, Babe. You have to believe me."

Joby approached Will to hug him. Will did not resist anymore. He was still crying as Joby hugged him. "I'm so sorry, Babe. So sorry." He whispered in his ear.



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Joby and Will 5

He was trembling as he put down the phone. So many thoughts flashed through his mind. But over that, it was the horrible shouting from Will, from the other end of the phone.

“You fucking whore! You just couldn’t control yourself! How could you do this to me? After all that I’ve fucking given you!” shouted Will.

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Joby countered, trying to sound indignant. But in the back of his mind, he was searching through the many communications and correspondences with Benedict, checking if he might have missed something. He knew that this was it.

“Fuck you! You and the slut! Who is he? Who the hell is he?”

“What on earth are you talking about?”

“Don’t play innocent with me. I saw your chats. Shit you! I read each and every fucking conversation!” the shouting came with tears now.

“What conversation? With whom?” His mind raced to the skype activities with Benedict. How could Will have accessed that? He deleted each one!

“Still playing the game?! Your fucking doctor!”

That confirmed everything. Will somehow managed to see all the chat threads. Cold sweat came over him. And he sat down.

“Babe, I’m sorry.” This was, suddenly all he could say.

“Fuck you, Job! Fuck you!” There was intense crying on the other side. And his heart sank deeper.

“It’s nothing serious, Babe.”

“DON’T GIVE ME THAT! Don’t tell me it’s not serious! You have been planning to leave me! Fuck you!”

He couldn’t reply. He remembered the conversation with Benedict. They have been talking about escaping, of going back to Manila. But it was just chat. At least for him. The thought had crossed his mind. But he would never leave William.

“I.. I was just playing with him.”

“So you were screwing him as you were screwing me?! What kind of monster are you?”

“Babe, I can’t talk now. I have a meeting. Let’s talk later, Babe. Please.”

“Get out of my life.” And Will put down the phone.


Joby was still trembling as he chat on his chair. All he had in front of him was the stupid corkboard and the post-its. He thought about Benedict. He remembered the wonderful time. The image of his face, his body. Then, image of Will would intrude. Their apartment. Their life together. All competing for his attention. Benedict and Will. He was hoping the day would never come when his two lives would intersect. He thought he could have both indefinitely.

He had to focus on office matters now. The meeting would start in 15 minutes. He needed to put these problems in the back of his mind. Please give me the focus.

Thank God the meeting was routine. It didn’t need to compete for his attention. He turned his attention to his cellphone. There were messages from Benedict. He didn’t know whether he should tell him what happened.

He didn’t reply.

He came home to the apartment. Will wasn’t there yet. He didn’t even have the appetite for a workout. He went to his laptop and tried to check how to access conversations. He tried to google that. But he didn’t have the patience.

He picked up a beer in the fridge. It seemed like the perfect thing to do. Then his phone started ringing. He checked and saw that Benedict was calling him. And there were twenty plus messages from him.

He just let the phone ring. And didn’t even bother to read the messages. He looked around the place. He knew he couldn’t leave. He started to cry. He couldn’t imagine living in another unit, in another life away from Will. Yes, he was so settled in this. But it is also what he ultimately wanted. This security. And it wasn’t just the apartment. It was really Will.

Tears kept on falling as he realized the pain he had caused. How he could have hurt him so bad.

“Babe, come home.” he texted Will.

There was no response. “Please Babe. I’m so sorry.”

He didn’t have to wait long. In a few minutes, he heard the door open and Will walked in. All he could read was this stern look on his face. No smile.

“What the fuck are you still doing here?” Will asked coldly.

“Babe, I’m so sorry.” he got up and approached Will.

“Don’t come near me. I swear I’ll hit you.”

But Joby ignored the warning and still approached him.

Will slapped him, a stinging slap that sent him reeling. He fought the instinct to fight back and just stood there.

“I trusted you. All these years, Jonathan. And you just threw all the trust in the trash. Just like that.”

He didn’t reply and just looked down.

Will slapped him again. This time was even harder. But he didn't retaliate. He knew he deserved it. Maybe even worse than that. Will just slumped on the floor and started sobbing. The pain of betrayal weighed him down.

Joby looked at his lover. And he wanted to hit himself for having caused such pain. How could he had done this. He didn't even realize that tears were already flowing down his cheeks as he slowly tried to approach him.

"Babe, I am so sorry." Joby sobbed as he reached out to try to hug him.

Will suddenly uncoiled and pushed Joby to the floor. He was on top of him, with one hand clutching his shirt and the other fist ready to hit him. Joby raised his arms to fend him off as he shouted "DON'T!" Will was so poised to strike him, but he backed down. He released Joby and sat on the floor.

"Get out of here. Now! Just get out."

Joby got up and backed away from Will, scared speechless. He knew he couldn't say anything, less he provoked him again. He went to the bedroom and hurriedly grabbed his gym bag, some clothes. He didn't even care what he grabbed anymore. He knew he just had to get out of the unit, if only to let Will cool down.

He went out onto the living room and saw Will still sitting on the floor. He had his face buried in his arms, sobbing. He didn't bother him and just walked out the door.

The impulse was to check himself him in a cheap hotel nearby. He noticed the stares from the commuters. Only then did he realize that his shirt was partly torn, he was in tatters. He became self conscious but that quickly dissipated. He had to choose a hotel that wouldn't be depressing. Yet he really didn't know how long he was going to stay there. That might be strain his resources if this stretches. How long would it take before he could go back to the unit? Suddenly he thought about his office clothes, his laptop. When could he sneak back in to get them?

He settled for the business hotel the office frequents for meetings. He was going to use his corporate rate anyway. Entering the lobby made him feel better. They were always quite welcoming there. He realized how late it was when he was escorted to the room and he had the view of the Marina.

He sat on the lounging chair beside the bed and remained immobile. His mind just became blank. And even the tears that seemed to be flowing just stopped. He was not even hungry, considering that he hadn't had dinner. Slowly he drifted to slumber.

His ringing cellphone woke him up. He got up and searched for the phone. It was stuffed inside his bag. He didn't get to it on time. On top of many missed calls were a dozen messages, all from Benedict. He hesitated but finally returned the call.

"Hey."

"Hello? Joby? What happened? I've been trying to reach you."

"Ah yeah. Uhmm. Many things happened. I'm sorry."

"I was just really worried. Where are you?"

"Somewhere. We had a fight. Big one." He felt thirsty as he said this. Thirsty for a shot of scotch. Yeah, something really strong.

"What? Oh God. I'm sorry. Where are you?"

"I checked in at the hotel. He kicked me out of the place."

"Oh wow! Are you ok?'

"Honestly, Ben, I'm a wreck. But there really is nothing I can do. He caught us."

"How? We were being so careful."

"I still don't know. I thought I was careful. I thought I covered all my tracks."

"Oh my God. So he knows me?"

"I don't know how much he knows about you. It just happened so fast. I.. " His voice trailed off. He found his tears again.

"I wish I could fly there to comfort you."

"Yeah... But maybe it is better this way, Ben. I need to sort this out by myself."

"What are you saying?"

"Look, Ben, let's just cool off for a while. I can't think straight if you're still part of the equation."

"Oh." A long pause followed. A hurtful pause.

"Ben, please, try to understand, I need.."

Benedict cut him off. "I know. I know you need space. And time. I get it."

"Do you really? Ben, please, just bear with me."

"Haven't I always, Job? Haven't I been just waiting for the crumbs?" He stifled a sob welling up inside.

"I know, Ben. And I appreciate it. So much. I'll be getting in touch with you soon. I promise."

"Wow. So this is goodbye, too?"

"Yes.. I mean, not really. I'll be the one to call you."

"Fine." Benedict put down the phone. That selfish bastard took it out on him, as if he was the villain. The culprit. The snake. He wanted to call back just to shout at him and curse him. But that just wasn't his style. He had to just let Ben sort it out himself.

He knew he hurt Ben. He had hurt another person he loved. In a span of 24 hours, he went from being in a triangle to being just a solo act. Nobody won. Not even him. A zero sum game. He grabbed a clean shirt and washed his face. He had to get a drink. He wouldn't be able to sleep without that drink.


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