its almost 10pm. Im at the hospital, companion to my father who is confined for some gastrointestinal upset. The decline in his health has been steep for the past two months, as his prostate CA seems to determined to assert itself.
Timing is not the best. I have just wrapped up one of my most toxic year-ends. On top of usual sales catch ups and meetings, I had to accept a performance at the big, corporate Xmas party. It was a major, major production, with budgets in the tens of millions. I didn’t realize the pressure until rehearsals started.
I suddenly felt so amateurish. I was singing with pros, and with a band conducted by the brother of Ms Broadway star herself. I was being scolded by the director for my missteps. I was panicking. I was so afraid of so many things: forgetting lyrics, not reaching the high notes, missing my cues.
All on top of running a business, chasing the numbers, dealing with people issues, and of course, attending a hundred and one Xmas parties. I almost broke down or got sick. My regular was in susani - suspended animation, i.e. no Workouts!
But when it was all over yesterday, i felt sooo relieved.i started eating and drinking as my pat on the back. i was so determined NOT to do anything today.
Then I woke up to news about dad’s condition and the need to be confined. Honestly, I felt anger and frustration. Why now? What did I do to deserve this? And I knew I was transparent, even to my dad. I felt so guilty but I couldn’t control how I felt.
Ultimately, I volunteered to accompany him, from admission to sleeping over. When I was alone with him in the room, anger just dissipated. Well, it turned into self-pity for a while. But that quickly passed.
For the first time, too, I did what I never thought I’d ever be able to do - wash him after he moved his bowels.(he was just too weak to do it himself.) All the eww and ick didn’t happen. I was methodical and unemotional. Even with the odor and all.
He kept on apologizing. I told him he should stop. Of all people, he deserved to be taken cared of. He is entitled to it. He can be as difficult as he wants with me because he earned it. He gave decades of his life to us, to me,to get me to this place and time. No, he doesn’t need to apologize.
I failed to tell him that I should do the apologizing. For even daring to think for a moment of my selfish need to relax on top of taking care of him. I am deeply ashamed.
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