august ends

can't believe it will be one month since i started blogging enigma. an entire month dedicated to one person (almost). most escapades were single blog entries. went all the way to angono last night just to see him. had a great time together, sampling local restaurants for dinner and coffee. feeling the 'artsy' culture of the town. from famous balao-balao resto of the perdigons, we had coffee and this turon with yema dip dessert at nemiranda cafe. then it was back to manila.

my pain

all it takes is one song. one song to bring tears, loads of tears.

home - chris daughtry

i'm going home to the place where I belong
where your love has always been enough for me
I'm running from you know I think you got me all wrong
I don't regret this life I chose for me
But these places and these faces are getting old
So I'm going home

i was weeping last night listening to this. i suddenly remembered my partner. how he really wants to come home. and how sorry i am that things have turned out this way.

i wasnt always this way. we had a great life while he was here. my day-to-day life always had him in the picture. living in with him was never a problem. and we shared our life with friends and family. i loved him and i loved 'us'. i loved 'me' when i was with him. it was a 'me' that didnt fool around, didnt have affairs, exercised maximum restraint. it was a 'me' that had him in my life, all the time.

and now i feel the home he wants to come back to is all changed, all different now. and i dont know how to bring it back. he loves me, i know that. and i love him. but.

there are other pieces of my life now. and im just so sorry.

the pain that comes with it

partner arrived last saturday afternoon. enigma and i were together till saturday lunch. he was still making light of the situation, still teasing me that i must be very excited. we went to the mall to take lunch and i had to leave him to fetch partner.

partner and i spent the afternoon to early evening playing badminton with friends, friends who were with enigma and me just last weekend. they were having a ball teasing me quietly.

we were supposed to go out, malate or makati but we ended up at the unit. he was leaving the following day. though there was a lot of intimacy, (hugging and kissing), we curiously did not 'consumate'. hmmm.

i didnt get in touch with enigma the entire time. neither did he.

but after partner left, i texted him, inviting him to dinner. all i got was "busy" as reply.

uh-oh. not good. not good. i asked him how he was. ":(" and as i pressed on - "m sad and lonely pero wala akong magawa"

reality sets in for us. pain is part of this affair. i was dreading that he might just opt to quit. we didnt see each other that night. what a waste.

following day was a little better. we saw each other in the mall. strained at first. awkward. not knowing how to talk to each other. i asked him how he was. "kailangan ok ako, di ba?" and asked him about the text. he hesitated discussing it. "kasi wala naman akong magagawa, di ba?" "honestly, may magagawa ba ako? di ba dapat ibahin ko ang nararamdaman ko? yun lang ang pwede"

we didnt spend the night together though things lightened up shortly after. i brought him to the terminal.

Etiquette for Gay Mistresses

- your man thinks about you, and sometimes, even if he has his primary in his arms.
- always feel good about yourself. you must have been that HOT for your man to risk this affair.
- enjoy the moments together, however few and far between these may be. have fun with the agreements AND the disagreements.
- go on and continue dating. that will always be your prerogative. the beauty of this is in the moment.
- the less you expose him to your world, the better actually. let him be 'mr big' of carrie bradshaw. sometimes there sometimes not. oh i know, sometimes it would be great if you could shout this love to the whole world. but sometimes, quiet joy is best!
- question not the circumstances, the love of your man. let the love behaviors speak for themselves.
- make sure you have your own life. continue doing that - going out with your friends, doing stuff you like. dont let your world revolve around your man. perhaps that is what he liked about you in the 1st place!

Deeper and Deeper

i cant help falling in love
i fall deeper and deeper the further i go
kisses sent from heaven above
they get sweeter and sweeter
the more that i know

the eloquence of Lola Madonna
trust her to express the innermost feelings

enigma joined me to spend overnight with friends out-of-town last weekend. that was a surprise. i thought he'd feel uncomfortable. he had a great time... i had a great time and so did the rest of the barkada. of course, eyebrows were raised. but they eventually welcomed enigma. their only complaint - too quiet. but eventually, he warmed up to them, loosened up and had tons of fun during the wee hours of the morning dancing and singing...

i was careful not to be showy (pda) to him with the barkada around. when everybody was asleep, we had a few moments of intimacy (just hugging) which i found particularly poignant.

we left the place earlier than the rest because i had some prior commitments. we got together for dinner and i brought him to my newest fave UCC place, somewhere out there. :) it was quite romantic, i must say.

he finally popped the question i thought he wouldnt ever: what is it that we are doing? i couldnt answer. "what are your plans?" "until when will this go on?"

i was struggling. he told me i didnt have to answer. but i wanted to. i was just trying to figure out the best way to say it but i realized that there was no 'best way'.

"this sounds so mean and selfish. but i cannot see that far ahead. i didnt plan to feel this way. it happened and i am really enjoying the moment. moment by moment. i like being with you. and i am going by what i feel"

i was met with a deep stare, not questioning.

he started talking. "ive held off having a lover for two years after getting burned that last time. that was too painful, the way my ex just dumped me. i swore it was never going to happen again. yet i seem to be walking head-on to another heartache with you. here i go again."

silence. and a little diversion. then i got seized by a desire to finally express how i felt, how i feel.

"since we are being very honest, i have something to tell you."

i was struggling again with finally letting out an emotion that has been welling up inside me. i couldnt say it. he was getting scared of what i was going to say. in exasperation, he told me to just blurt it out, say it fast.

"mahal kita" i blurted and watched for a reaction.

he was shocked. totally unexpected. and he had that wonderful smile on his face as he was clutching his chest as if in pain because of the shock. i went on.

"ive wanted to tell you this for so long, i wanted to say this while i cupped your face with my hands and looked into your eyes. you dont have to answer. i am not expecting anything. i just wanted to say it. and i wont say it again."

he was looking at me now with that smile, that sparkle in his eyes.

"okay. two things. i will accept your status. but i dont want to hear you talking to him. i will try to forget your partner exists. i will not think about him. second. no more other dates for you. no more playmates. i cant take it that you will still have other guys around. as it is, i'm already looking like a fool doing this. please dont make me look stupid."

with that statement i realized that i am now officially in an affair...

Missing Damortis Train Station

Saw this pdi article yesterday. i was surprised to see this beloved place. i first found out about this abandoned train station in the mid-80's. i used to spend summer vacation with a friend and his family in San Fabian, Pangasinan. at that time, my all-time favorite love story/movie was 'the promise' (kathleen quinlan). the greatest moment of that film was their final confrontation on the seaside cliff during sunset. that still sends goosebumps! anyway, my friend took me to Damortis Train Station, about 20 mins away from where we stay in San Fabian. I found that it was on a cliff off the Lingayen gulf, also facing west, with pine trees on top and a rocky shore below. it was the perfect counterpart to movie (though a lot less altitude)! since then i would always drop by the train station during sunset (whenever i go to san fabian). i have brought most of my lovers and friends there. sadly, a few years back, the phil national railways started selling of the surrounding property and even parts of the train station. all that is left would be featured in this inquirer article. the cliff-side property is now privately owned and fenced off. i have lost a memorable part of my growing up, my romance.
i just wish someone would do something to bring this back...

Commercial Break - Oprah Speaks

Yes, finally Oprah is speaking. Oprah is my folks' mynah bird. I gave her as a Mother's Day gift last May. Oprah was a few months old then. we eagerly waited for Oprah to start talking. her first words: "Oprah" and "Hello" (siyempre no, everybody calls out to her using her name). at first it was quite hard to discern. but after two weeks, the words became distinct. we're figuring out what to teach her next - Praise the Lord? (due to my folks' religious habits?)

a commercial break brought to you by Harpo Productions... in a short while, we go back to the gay telenovela