Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Deeper and Deeper

i cant help falling in love
i fall deeper and deeper the further i go
kisses sent from heaven above
they get sweeter and sweeter
the more that i know

the eloquence of Lola Madonna
trust her to express the innermost feelings

enigma joined me to spend overnight with friends out-of-town last weekend. that was a surprise. i thought he'd feel uncomfortable. he had a great time... i had a great time and so did the rest of the barkada. of course, eyebrows were raised. but they eventually welcomed enigma. their only complaint - too quiet. but eventually, he warmed up to them, loosened up and had tons of fun during the wee hours of the morning dancing and singing...

i was careful not to be showy (pda) to him with the barkada around. when everybody was asleep, we had a few moments of intimacy (just hugging) which i found particularly poignant.

we left the place earlier than the rest because i had some prior commitments. we got together for dinner and i brought him to my newest fave UCC place, somewhere out there. :) it was quite romantic, i must say.

he finally popped the question i thought he wouldnt ever: what is it that we are doing? i couldnt answer. "what are your plans?" "until when will this go on?"

i was struggling. he told me i didnt have to answer. but i wanted to. i was just trying to figure out the best way to say it but i realized that there was no 'best way'.

"this sounds so mean and selfish. but i cannot see that far ahead. i didnt plan to feel this way. it happened and i am really enjoying the moment. moment by moment. i like being with you. and i am going by what i feel"

i was met with a deep stare, not questioning.

he started talking. "ive held off having a lover for two years after getting burned that last time. that was too painful, the way my ex just dumped me. i swore it was never going to happen again. yet i seem to be walking head-on to another heartache with you. here i go again."

silence. and a little diversion. then i got seized by a desire to finally express how i felt, how i feel.

"since we are being very honest, i have something to tell you."

i was struggling again with finally letting out an emotion that has been welling up inside me. i couldnt say it. he was getting scared of what i was going to say. in exasperation, he told me to just blurt it out, say it fast.

"mahal kita" i blurted and watched for a reaction.

he was shocked. totally unexpected. and he had that wonderful smile on his face as he was clutching his chest as if in pain because of the shock. i went on.

"ive wanted to tell you this for so long, i wanted to say this while i cupped your face with my hands and looked into your eyes. you dont have to answer. i am not expecting anything. i just wanted to say it. and i wont say it again."

he was looking at me now with that smile, that sparkle in his eyes.

"okay. two things. i will accept your status. but i dont want to hear you talking to him. i will try to forget your partner exists. i will not think about him. second. no more other dates for you. no more playmates. i cant take it that you will still have other guys around. as it is, i'm already looking like a fool doing this. please dont make me look stupid."

with that statement i realized that i am now officially in an affair...


Mave said...

hmmm didnt we just have a gathering with someone telling us about how he was hurt by his ex and took him 2 years to recover from it .... hmmmm

f i l l i b u s t e r o said...

when i was a kid, i used to be the Enigma. when i finally broke-up with the guy after 8 months, so that he could move-on with his life with his original lover, i think i almost died.

closet case said...

i know, mave, i know... this things has found its own momentum

sorry to hear that, filli. though i know the outcome looks really bleak for us, for him... i remain helpless

Anonymous said...

CC, question ko lang ha, pano kaya pag c partner ay may enigma din? at anong gagawin mo pag nalaman mo na alam nya pala pero dedma na cya (si partner)?

YAJNAT said...

well ur there...u accepted it...

so is it really love???to whom???

am really sorry but im not really in favor with this...

Marcus: Bading Down Under said...

OMG. Good luck, hija! I feel your pain, to be honest, but I do hope things form themselves rightfully (whatever that means) for all concerned.

joelmcvie said...




Alam ko comments enabled ito. I'm curious what you're going to do with THIS comment, hehehe. ;-)

Tony said...

Helpless ka diyan. No one is helpless, only unwilling to decide. Say!

I wonder, is this an eventuality that I have to accept that happens to LDRs? Just recently one of my friends overseas found out that his partner of 4 years had a 3-month affair....

Makes me question a lot of things....

Mave said...

can you have an affair to an affair? :)

oh just wanted to say i thot you were fun and the dinner was a lot more fun because of you.

stay happy.

Mave said...

can you have an affair to an affair? :)

by the way, i think you are really fun. the dinner was a lot more fun with you around.

so stay happy.

sweetescape said...

Gosh, I just accidentally found your blog and might I say it's a good one, stories I can relate although having an affair for me is no-no but hey we're not perfect I know you're trying but sooner or later reality will catch up with you by then things will be bit messy and hard to clean but hey life is nothing without struggles but I respect your stand and wish you good luck. Ü

Anonymous said...

it's kinda unfair for enigma. but he wants it.

Bottomline the both of you may get hurt. There's no easy way to break somebody's heart, as the song says. :-)

Anonymous said...

to you closet...hope to chat with you soon... i just dont know how.

Anonymous said...

The story becomes more interesting.

closet case said...

sorry for the delayed posting of comments, people. partner arrived and did my dutiful role. the telenovela called CC continues

mave - tnx! was great finally meeting you!
mcvie - globe no change purely coincidental! HA!
tony - very well put. very true. LDRs just take a lot of work. too much work for me.
yajnat - tnx 4 reading. i blog this though i know a lot of people will not agree with me. i blog to express and let it out. :)
sweetescape - i wish i cud do just that 'escape sweetly'! :)
marcus - tnx, as always...
and to all others who remain in the dark - tnx 4 reading, truly and for commenting!

JOSH said...

i been bc for awhile and only visited now.. i knew it will come to this... i just hope everything will be fine with both of u...

Teka, u watched "love story" ryt?!(w/c i havent) how did their affair ended or who won aga? any lessons learnt from it? Sana lang nga walang masaktan, dahil masakit sa dibdib yun!

Anonymous said...

im not really a fan of affairs but i just got myself into one.

it's just hard to juggle between legal partner and number two. what makes it harder is that you feel something really special for both of them.

if only there's a way to get out of this sh*t. it's really becoming harder as the affair continues. today's officially my third month with number two.

im dreading the day that i had to let one (or both) go.


closet case said...

hey josh - i guess it was really inevitable where we are in right now. should i spoil the ending? aga ends up choosing wife only because mistress chose to be martyr...

one good drama moment was the breakdown of lola maricel inside the ladies room after talking to both aga and angelika in the hospital.

ergo, pain is part of this thing. talagang may masasaktan, minsan lahat nasasaktan.

piscean - we even share the same zodiac sign! must be the stars dictating our fate? hahaha. same fears, same problems. deeper and deeper. best taken one step at a time. good luck to us!