Deeper and Deeper

i cant help falling in love
i fall deeper and deeper the further i go
kisses sent from heaven above
they get sweeter and sweeter
the more that i know

the eloquence of Lola Madonna
trust her to express the innermost feelings

enigma joined me to spend overnight with friends out-of-town last weekend. that was a surprise. i thought he'd feel uncomfortable. he had a great time... i had a great time and so did the rest of the barkada. of course, eyebrows were raised. but they eventually welcomed enigma. their only complaint - too quiet. but eventually, he warmed up to them, loosened up and had tons of fun during the wee hours of the morning dancing and singing...

i was careful not to be showy (pda) to him with the barkada around. when everybody was asleep, we had a few moments of intimacy (just hugging) which i found particularly poignant.

we left the place earlier than the rest because i had some prior commitments. we got together for dinner and i brought him to my newest fave UCC place, somewhere out there. :) it was quite romantic, i must say.

he finally popped the question i thought he wouldnt ever: what is it that we are doing? i couldnt answer. "what are your plans?" "until when will this go on?"

i was struggling. he told me i didnt have to answer. but i wanted to. i was just trying to figure out the best way to say it but i realized that there was no 'best way'.

"this sounds so mean and selfish. but i cannot see that far ahead. i didnt plan to feel this way. it happened and i am really enjoying the moment. moment by moment. i like being with you. and i am going by what i feel"

i was met with a deep stare, not questioning.

he started talking. "ive held off having a lover for two years after getting burned that last time. that was too painful, the way my ex just dumped me. i swore it was never going to happen again. yet i seem to be walking head-on to another heartache with you. here i go again."

silence. and a little diversion. then i got seized by a desire to finally express how i felt, how i feel.

"since we are being very honest, i have something to tell you."

i was struggling again with finally letting out an emotion that has been welling up inside me. i couldnt say it. he was getting scared of what i was going to say. in exasperation, he told me to just blurt it out, say it fast.

"mahal kita" i blurted and watched for a reaction.

he was shocked. totally unexpected. and he had that wonderful smile on his face as he was clutching his chest as if in pain because of the shock. i went on.

"ive wanted to tell you this for so long, i wanted to say this while i cupped your face with my hands and looked into your eyes. you dont have to answer. i am not expecting anything. i just wanted to say it. and i wont say it again."

he was looking at me now with that smile, that sparkle in his eyes.

"okay. two things. i will accept your status. but i dont want to hear you talking to him. i will try to forget your partner exists. i will not think about him. second. no more other dates for you. no more playmates. i cant take it that you will still have other guys around. as it is, i'm already looking like a fool doing this. please dont make me look stupid."

with that statement i realized that i am now officially in an affair...