Sunday, March 31, 2019


Earlier today I had my voice lessons. And after the vocal warm-ups, I picked “Nahan” by Ernani Cuenco for practice. I was doing ok with the first two passes. Then on the third, I suddenly choked, holding back my tears. I just realized that I might be singing this song to my father soon.

It was in early 2017 when he was diagnosed with Prostate CA. He was complaining about urination problems then. We thought it was urinary tract infection. And when he had his Xray, it seemed like the bone metastasis had begun. “It lit up like a Christmas Tree” A quote from “Fault In Our Stars”.

He was 81 then and declined any radical procedures or even chemotherapy. His doctor gave him hormone treatment. He responded well until late last year, probably around October. His PSA level started to climb again. His doctor became more aggressive with the treatment options. Yet, the tests seemed to confirm a re-awakened CA. Although he was still ‘clinically’ healthy: no pain, no weight loss.

It made a turn for the worse in December. First it was anxiety palpitations, with loss of appetite. Before Christmas, he contracted pneumonia and we had to hospitalize him. I posted about that last year. Though we were able to bring him home right on Christmas Eve, he seemed to have started to decline rapidly. He was generally weaker, though he would stubbornly try to fight it. We hired a night-duty caregiver and day nurse.

He started to show some recovery. But he had a relapse in January 2019. So we were back in the hospital. We even stayed longer as his body was taking longer to respond to the antibiotics.

But he managed and we took him home. We also just maintained his night-duty caregiver. He was slowly gaining his appetite. He seemed to be getting stronger. Until in mid-March, he had severe stomach ache and was vomiting at 3am. My sister and brother in-law took him to ER and he was given medicine for his acidity. He was home quickly but not for long. By mid-afternoon, he was having severe headache and asked to be brought back to the hospital.

His hemoglobin levels turned out to be very low and he had to undergo transfusion. And he still had a lingering infection that needed antibiotics. And he even had a mild heart attack. The transfusion brought back his color and after a week, he was back home.

Now, it seems that he will not fully recover. The doctors have told us to brace ourselves for the inevitable. But until this afternoon, I was still in denial. My sisters from abroad have visited. And they have been doing their rounds of tearing up. Not me. Not until today.


Di ba sabi mo, kay ganda ng lahat. Kulay rosas pa ang mga bulaklak. Tila sa akin ay ayaw kang magtapat. Yan ba ang sabi mong pag-ibig ay wagas.

Ang iyong ngiting dati ay kay tamis. Pag ikaw at ako ay nagkakalapit. Nahan ang yakap mong dati ay mahigpit? At ang ligaya kong matamis mong halik?

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