ny emos

you can read how the timelines and shoutouts are filling up with some emo lines.  it's year-in-review time.  your 2011 life flashing back at you.  the significant events light up in memory.  some are triumphant.  some are shining moments.  but some painful ones also come to the fore.  life-changing even, for some.  

why can't this be just another day?

because we need to review life from time to time.  we need to stop some time and take stock.  review, analyze, relive.  learn from then move on.  it can't be all just moving forward, even if time since to just have one direction.  our minds and souls move in all ways.  

so new year, birthdays are posts in the highway of life that show us where we are, where we have been.  how far we have come.  how far we have yet to go.  

and even if this seems trivial or perfunctory for others, i believe it serves a purpose.  so we use this time wisely and reflect.  

a happy new year happens when we can look back and say, i've had a good year.

Life in Feng Shui

it all started with an officemate gave me the 2010 Chinese Horoscope and Feng Shui book by Lillian and Jennifer Too. He recently got into all these things even if he isnt Chinese. and he wanted to share his good fortune with me. He asked me my chinese zodiac sign and did his research about the Fire Horse. He gave me the book as an 09 Christmas gift.

It was accompanied by this odd-looking ornament, supposedly a fire symbol. The horoscope pointed out that 2010 will be marked by conflict, whether personal or business. The symbol, when placed appropriately in West, would ward off the conflict star. I complied by putting it in my office. I was thinking there would be no harm. And he does mean well.

In 2011, he gave me the book again. This time it was accompanied by this rather heavy piece, a 'wu lou', a container for keeping herbal cures in China. He told me that Illness star was on the Southern horizon. Hence, by placing the wu lou in the south of my bedroom, it would generate healing energies. And so I did. The household help must have found it odd, for it didn't look particularly appealing.

This Christmas, he gave me the 2012 book. And what came with it was this better looking Victory Banner, a symbol of victory. This would enhance my success if placed in the Southwest part of the bedroom.

PC arranged all this in the bedroom, following the strict orders of placement. He told me to bring the Fire Symbol home to slowly complete the amulets. So now I have three of these inside my bedroom. PC told me in time, I'd probably have all the amulets needed. Would I be megasuccessful by then?
I actually relate to the Chinese Zodiac more than the Astrological signs. When I read the descriptions of the Fire Horse, I see more similarity with that compared to my Piscean personality description. But since I love compromises, I feel that I am a combination of both, hence I am actually a Sea Horse. (weird ba? LOL)
In 2010, I was eager to actually read the book and see what it held for me, especially in the area of lovelife. Since I was single then, I was wondering if my love fortune would come true. But such eagerness came only at the start. So I never really knew whether it accurately predicted that I would fall in love with PC in August 2010. (I couldnt find the book anymore)
But this time, I still have the 2011 book. And I now have the benefit of hindsight! So what did I discover?
Well, I don't recall major illness this year. I actually did a complete executive check-up and was pronounced healthy. I don't even remember getting really sick during the year. No flu. Not even major colds. Well, I did have some exercise-related injuries. And I did suffer from insomnia after that Toronto trip. I am tempted to say that the book was grossly inaccurate. Though another might say that the wu lou actually worked!
The book actually has monthly summary of what to expect. I dont have the patience to go through it now. Im reading the prognosis for this month and I am surprised that it lists down that my spirits would be down, my confidence shot. And I have been going through such emo lately. Hmm. interesting.
I wont divulge the outlook for 2012. Yes, I have read a part of it. The dragon year would still be very challenging for the Horse. That's enough. Ill revisit this book mid-year and see again if it predicted anything accurately. Meanwhile, I shall let these amulets do their work and hope that 2012 will turn out to be a better year for me.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

cc TOL: charity

cc TOL: cc thinks out loud. thoughts and musings. random. unedited. thoughts on the fly.

this post excludes philanthropic work for typhoon victims.

i just did my good deed for the season. i feel great.

tweets one friend.

christmas time. i see my timelines loaded with do-gooders feeling good with their good deeds. if you try to book parties at orphanages or other social institutions, you'd probably wait in line. schedules are full.

ahhh the wonderful spirit of christmas charity. generosity in the air.

why am i sounding sarcastic? because a part of me struggles with this seasonal charity.

i used to think that way. during christmas, i'd have this heightened sense of giving and forgiving. and i try to channel it by doing these good deeds.

one christmas, my partner then and i decided to pack goodies in a loot bag and give these away during the season anywhere and everywhere. we went to divisoria to get the best bargains. and i even had some of the people in the office help me sort and pack. then we went around the metro, distributing to street beggars and the homeless children. that was fun and it felt good.

then there were the occasional christmas parties at orphanages and halfway houses. asilo, golden acres. we would bring the food and the entertainment. share our blessings. make them smile and happy. and make ourselves happy, too.

then we leave them behind. then we go back to our lives. then for the rest of the year, we conveniently forget about them. meanwhile, they are left alone again. and once those resources we pumped into them gets used up, they are back to begging, back to looking for funding, and making ends meet. taghirap na naman.

and truth of the matter, we never came back. there were always others institutions to help and cheer.

can't doing good be year round? can't we think of them, the less privileged, the have-less all year round? and look at ways we can be helping on a more sustainable basis? if we liked how we felt then, wouldn't we want to feel that way whole year round?

control of this also resides in the institution. they could say no and tell you that they would rather you donate on a regular basis than just hold these once-a-year-or-less parties. but that wouldn't be polite.

oh well. just Thinking Out Loud.

meeting raiders

it is always such a pleasure to meet raiders of the blog (ok, fine, it is inherently flattering!) truly, encountering you guys who spend time to actually read this is so meaningful. ive met a quite a few in the past 4 years this blog has been around. ill try to recall some of those meetings. and it might not be comprehensive. i might or will miss out on some. ipagpaumanhin po. malilimutin na.!

my earliest recollection will start with meeting the nyc-based raiders, both of whom i remember but i wont mention their names to protect them. one of them i have this eternal debt of gratitude for. he lent me his iphone during that time i had that unfortunate incident, losing my phone in a party. and ill always remember him as the guy who took me to cafe lalo where 'you got mail' was filmed. and that was such a nice walk in central park! he shared me with his life abroad, and what he left in the philippines. through him i caught a glimpse of the bittersweet life of filipinos working abroad. and if you are still reading the blog, thank you for everything!

the other raider represented one who knew the manhattan gay life well. and he was such a fun spirit to have around, young and spritely. we met up in a nice drinking hole, and he even tagged me along on a visit to a friend's place. with him, i got to know that nyc's meatpacking district is not about meat. hehe

sg-based raider started corresponding via email. and he was ultra-secretive about his identity. im thankful he trusted me enough to meet up with me during a trip to manila that first time. we met up in ucc podium, and for a while, i thought he wanted to change his mind. he walked past me as i waited for the guy in the red shirt. but he eventually decided to face me. and that started a correspondence that has spanned years. he was kind enough to also meet me during one of my trips to sg. he brought me to watering hole at the top floor of one of the tallest buildings. and updated me about his life. first time for me to see sg from that perspective!

then there was my visit to dubai. to see my sister and her family. i met up with dubai-based raider, who hails from the south. he was so gracious to treat me to dinner and a night cap. im happy he continues to be in touch, wherever he is at. i think he is back in the phils. welcome back! :)

fabcasts create a different audience

i always thought that those who follow the fabcasts from the blogposts were raiders. i discovered that there are fabcast listeners who dont follow the blog at all but are still familiar with the character cc as one of the fabcasters. if im not mistaken, i have met up with one or two. sadly though, i can't remember who among them..

the grindr connection

when i was active in grindr, i used my cc persona. i didnt bother creating a new one. for one thing, it would be such a hassle to create and maintain another identity. and besides, maybe the "cc" brand has some equity. LOL. i met up with two raider/grindrees. and contrary to what you will conclude, nothing intimate (and you know what i mean) transpired between us. perhaps it was more of lacking in opportunity. or their interest in me was not there. hehe. one of them recounted his coming to terms story. and i was touched that the blog was part of that story. the other one.

the cc twitter

twiitter gave raiders a new channel to access cc. and though i was a late starter in the twitterworld and im certainly not even profilifc, i loved the chance it gave me to interact on a more immediate level. almost instantaneous! so i started to have a more accessible personality online.

a tweeter follower needed to interview a "Senior guy" for his psychology class. so he messaged me. OUCH. lol. i went through with it anyway, always glad to help someone taking up the same major as i did. his questions provoked me to think and i appreciated that much. and he went super-out of his way to meet up. eventually blog. thank you for giving me fodder for the blog!

the generous ones

when i blogged about fellowfab aj's financial problems, i was touched to get responses from two raiders. they eventually contributed to the cause. and i am so touched by their generosity. i met one of them over coffee, and our professional lives had some intersection! i have yet to meet the other one. and i still owe him coffee. pramis!

and very recently, i had a chance to meet two raiders through tweeter. they are also tweeter friends but this was the first offline meeting for all three. and one common denominator is our failing eyesight. so we were three blind mice having nice sunday conversation. they are so different from one another, although born months apart. yet they have been online friends for a while now. it started at that site called plurk. (i didnt even know this network existed!) they have their colorful stories to tell, despite their young ages. and what should have been a jogging AND chatting session became pure chat. and im the better for it.

from just raiders or listeners or followers, from being just electronic avatars, these people have become real to me. real people with real lives. some simple. some quite dramatic. but all worth listening to. and i am happy that through this blog, i have heard their stories and have met them in real life.

when i hear them talk about the blog, i am tickled pink. i am amazed that they do know details, or at least remember those that stand out for them. my raunchy posts will always be part of that list of memorable ones! and sometimes, i still feel so naked as they tell me their recollections. blogging can be so passive. me just hammering away on a keyboard my stories, both sordid and saintly. and with no immediate responses or replies, the words remain words, devoid of meaning once written. but hearing raiders echo back my posts could still be quite uncomfortable, embarrassing, and at times, unnerving. maybe ill get used to it. lol

megablogger miggs (mega because of size? LOL) regularly organizes big meet ups. which really suits his big following. in contrast, im pretty happy with these small, intimate meetings with raiders. i get to know you more intimately (not in any lewd sense! LOL) and hopefully, i could give you a real dimension to the cc persona. do remember that the blog remains just a part of the cc persona. and it is not everything!

i know ill have my chance to get to know some of you in the future, if you so desire. if that happens, i will only request that you be as comfortable with me as you could be. prepare a question or two to set the ball rolling. and i will hope that the experience would be enriching for you as it has always been for me.

and so this is christmas

in two weeks, it will be christmas. i just finished decorating. and my only decor this year is the christmas tree. i kept to last year's silver theme. and added christmas balls to the icicles and the string of silver pearls. then i became obsessed with finding snowflake trimmings. there used to be so much of that. sus! i wnet around and around looking for one. finally found some nice silver ones in ace hardware. and my tree is done.

i just sat there, admiring my work. naks. who else will anyway? lol. and im thinking how different christmas will be this year.

my previous chrstmas activities included, of course, shopping for gifts. which i actually enjoy. i challenge myself to get the perfect gift within the budget i have set. that's why my gift list has budget amounts per person! so i have an idea, or a total budget, for gifts. and i shouldn't overspend. shopping stresses me out, too. especially trying to guess if the gift will be appreciated. but that would be for family, special friends and that special someone.

for people in the office, i usually just buy ham. its practical. and it turns out that they actually look forward to it. especially now when gifts of ham seem to be few or none at all. so i order in bulk. and i let my secretary distribute. less headache. more people happy.

then there are the inaanaks. which is cash. i can begin to imagine what they would want. most of them i hardly get to see. so i buy those money cards and, voila! im done.

as i rose up the ranks, i started to get more and more gifts. from suppliers (expected) then even from the employees. this if find touching. because they really go out of their way to get me something, even if simple. and i just usually let them pile up in my office, without opening a single one. i bring them all home and open them come christmas morning. oh how i used to love opening and opening gifts. taking out the ribbons. tearing open the wrapping. the household help would delight watching me. they never saw so many gifts.

but i stopped that recently. i found out belatedly that some gifts were food that spoiled. sayang naman. so i usually check my gifts already even before christmas morning.

im also so lazy to do shopping now. so i decided to give to friends gifts of health from the company. and no, these gifts are not freebies. i actually still pay for them at employee's discount.

i dont do the simbang gabi thingie. i remember one time decades ago when i tried. i was still in a different gym. and id get up early to jog within the area before the gym opens. i saw that there was a chapel along my jogging route. so i decided to do the simbang gabir novenas. i d get to the chapel in my jogging outffit. and i almost completed it. but i had to be in pampanga during one day. and i wasnt able to schedule my simbang gabi that one time. so nasira rin ang plano ko. never again will i even attempt.

christmas eve is uneventful for me. my parents sleep early. my siblings are all abroad. so i usually just play christmas songs and sleep early. christmas dayi tself is bigger, when my mom hosts parties for the kamag-anaks.

christmas this time carries a sort of sad note. news from office performance, from my sisters and brother, well werent so positive. but after our office christmas party yesterday, i felt better. because christmas is simply christ+mas = putting more of christ in the celebration. i liked that. i ended my speech that way last night.

and so this is christmas. and it will still be a wonderful christmas!

ceo nightmares

i had this terrible dream last night. it was how this competitor of ours has finally won. and we no longer enjoy the patronage we used to have. i was announcing the massive layoffs to the people. the mood was so sad. and i was also being pounced on by the board. my presentation was being riddled with bullet holes, i felt so bad.

i guess that is the heart of my anxieties lately. this fear of terrible things to happen to the company. my nightmares when i was a kid included your usual ghosts and devils. but i remember being haunted by... numbers. yes, numbers that would appear randomly, getting bigger and bigger, overwhelmingly.

eventually, i'd have more personal anxiety dreams. of fighting with my parents. of shouting matches with siblings. then eventually, with lovers. all very personal. reflecting my current preoccupations with my life.

only now do i recall company related dreams. bad dreams that had me panting, sweating. i guess this reflects the scope of responsibilities now. what i do, what i decide impacts so directly on people i manage. and i have being wracking my brains trying to come up with answers to problems. solutions. strategies. oh my head aches just thinking about it.

im in a blue zone now.