something new, something old

the kiss was strangely unfamiliar. i was surprised, thinking that this was nothing new. but then again, so much has changed that everything between us was again unfamiliar... an enigma.

we've been going out a couple of times since i broke up. i knew he was pleased that we were going out again. i guess because he enjoyed my company. that first time he sat beside me again, he gently squeezed my thigh... a move i felt 'intimate'. yet i was playing cool, even torpe, i guess. we talked and updated each other. he wanted to hear about the break-up. and he played the role of friend well.

i didnt attempt to be intimate. and i sensed he was not going to either. so there we were again, second-guessing. now that sounds familiar. we went out again. and still , the 'friendliness'. i missed him, yes. but i didnt want to send wrong signals. so i played it safe and in a sense, distant. but i still had that fondness for him, for his smile, for his eyes. and i sensed he knew that.

the last time we saw each other was for non-personal reasons. he needed my help for something. and when that was accomplished, we were there alone looking at each from across the table. the tension of whatever kind, was in the air. we were making idle talk. he asked about my dates. he teased me about how i seem to have a lot of dates. 'ikaw talaga...'

the awkward moments had to end. he had to leave. he got up and gave me a hug. and i hugged him back. and i felt a soft kiss planted on my neck. then he pulled back. he looked at me as i looked at him, smiling. 'oh bakit ka nakangiti?' wala lang.

another hug. and another pull back. this time there was just those eyes looking at me, my lips... then he closed his eyes. and my lips found his. and at first his lips remained quite closed. until i felt a surrender as his lips parted and let mine in.

unfamiliar. different. but not strange. sweet. and eventually nostalgic. the kiss lingered. and i felt how much he missed me. but i also sensed hesitation. a lot of hesitation.

he knows very well how i feel now. how i am enjoying this single life. how there are other lips. and i knew he is not comfortable with it. and he is probably wondering why he should get into anything with me again. after all that pain.

i guess he suspended all of that for that moment. and though it started unfamiliar, that kiss eventually brought back the memories and the affection.

enigma left. and i smiled.

another SATC moment

havent been with my friends/badminton buddies for quite some time now. four of us had our lunch at the cafeteria of a supra-national org/bank in pasig. that ultra-secure place has a huge cafeteria. and with all the expats around, it was a great place to do rubbernecking (term for the way our necks become like rubber when checking guys out!).

and we were so SATC, with our trays and our cafeteria food. and updating each other about our sex lives! well, mine took a little longer for updating. LOL.

it was quite surreal having that nice conversation exactly like the girls would do it.

so i ended up being sam as the entrepreneur thought he was more miranda. the admin officer, since he was in a relationship, felt like he was charlotte, and the single bank analyst was acting like carrie.

well i wouldnt mind being sam as long as i get this in the end...


growl.

workout wear

it started when i had a yellow car. i so identified with that car and that color i started buying yellow stuff - yellow & black cross-trainers, tank top, shorts, etcl. then it expanded to other color palettes after i realized that work out wear should just be as fashionably attractive as casual or formal wear. and that meant coordinating colors across the apparel and accessories. so i started building up a wardrobe.

this is representative of what cc wears during work-out. i mix-match brands. and i dont mind using value brands. BUT i always use nike gym shoes, particularly the nike free 7.0 cross trainers and the air zoom 180. i love the 7.0 because they have established this as one of the main models that gets updated with colors and fabrics. i still have other gym shoes not shown here to match some other color combinations. looking for the right shoe colors and water bottles was most challenging. and that meant waiting till somehow, i see it appear on the racks or the shelves. and that constitutes an "aha" phenomenon!

i get excited seeing how the colors coordinate. first row would be the hand towels, followed by the tank tops, the shorts, the water bottle over the shorts and the gym shoes. vertically, each would be a day at the gym. and of course, i try to vary these everyday. that also translates to having to 'assemble' the pieces and pack them every time. vanity is tiring.

i was tempted to have matching gym bag colors but i had to draw the line. besides, i carry the gym bag outside the gym, when im in my casual or office clothes. so it needs to coordinate with those clothes, not with work out wear. hehehe.

i know, i know. this is somehow such a dead giveaway. who cares? i love it.

a hada story

i went to the gym early and took a shower before starting. well a shower and a some wet floor time. saw this new guy in the locker area. seemed to be checking me out and the others who were also going in and out of the steam & dry sauna rooms. hmm. looked okay. but i gotta work out. i noticed he did the wet floors as i left the locker. a player.

saw him around the gym area. my friends arrived so i behaved. i finished my workouts and went straight to the locker area. i wondered whether he was done with his workout. i put on my undies, brought my hand towel and went to the wet floor. as i was going in, he was going out, looking like he was done with the shower. sayang.

i spent some time in the dry sauna when he went in. hmmm. guy changed his mind? hehehe. looks like this is going to be an interesting afternoon. kaso there was another guy in the room. and he sat at the bleacher behind me.

other guy left us two alone. i casually glanced at this guy, in his white bath towel. nagpapakita ng motibo. slowly opened his legs and casually placed his hands on his lap. i changed seats so i could look at him. and his. carefully his hand touched his crotch. and i was fixated as he slowly stroked it. but i had to glance at the door to make sure nobody was looking. he was caressing himself. kaso somebody entered at that moment. sheesh. bitin.

he showered again and proceeded to fix himself up. i lingered around but there was nobody interesting anymore. so i showered too. and noticed he was still around. taking longer to prepare to leave? hmmm. i casually glance at him. he didnt look like he was making a move. and i wasnt going to, makita pa ng ibang kasama ko dito.

he was obviously lingering around. looking at me too as he was texting. was he expecting me to approach? no way. not in my territory.

then i saw him leave. and as i was leaving, i passed him at the lobby area. still looking at me pero weird. parang di ko alam anong balak. i left the gym and crossed the street. i saw him looking. ay. may sundo. rode a brand-new black crv.

but the crv was not moving fast. it was actually following me? then it went ahead and parked. i saw him get off. and walk towards me.

he had that smile. "could i get your number?" wow. gulat ako. number agad. "sure." as i was dictating my number, he introduced himself. "hi. im cc. let's go out sometime." "ah. ok. sige, keep in touch." then he left and boarded his crv.

and sent a txt to give me his number. hmm. it seems like im going to have fun soon with this cc.

anger management in tarlac

there's this resto in gerona, tarlac that you can't miss if you are on your way to baguio, la union, etc. along the highway, you'll come across huge monolith-inspired structures fronting the resto. the place is Isdaan and it serves.... fish.

the main point is really an area which they call tacsiyapo, a capampangan expression similar to 'damn!' (or so i was told). for a few pesos, you can pick up anything there and throw it at the wall! this is anger management, capampangan style. as crude yet probably as effective. the wall even has 'prompts' to remind you of what to focus that anger on ("a boss?, a client?, a neighbor?, a philandering spouse?) pick up your fancy (plates, saucers, even old TV's!!!) and throw away and see it crash and shatter!

my first throw lacked oomph. but after my second throw, i got the hang of it na. and it was actually cathartic! wonder how it would feel if i threw the TV???

and the meal they serve aint bad at all!!!

it would have been...

...8 years today. we would have celebrated 8 years of being together today.

yun lang.

it was his first time to be assigned out of manila. a newbie sales supervisor suddenly found himself in durian republic, with no friends, just reps to manage. he was thankful that this southern city was just beautiful - in between the mountains and the deep blue sea. from hot springs and forest hikes to beaches, everything was a short ride away.

but that didnt take away the loneliness. hiding his identity from his team, he would have to deal with weekends alone. besides, he didnt want to get too 'close' to them. often, that meant drinking alone saturday afternoon to evening at his fave restaurant by the beach. and sometimes, tearfully asking for a friend, anyone to ease the loneliness.

he met a young intern in one of his hospital visits. purely coincidental, two people in the same restroom. a lingering look became a smile. quickly that turned into a date for the weekend. suddenly it wasnt too lonely. he had found an answer, an antidote. and young intern was just as prescribed - bubbly tisoy local.

that affair however was not to last. for it was really just an affair. he had a lover back in manila who was coming over to visit. he had to break the news to the intern. he seemed to take it well. lover arrived. and he vowed not to even communicate with the intern while lover was there.

a call from manila changed his status immediately. and he was recalled. he packed his bags and went back to manila with his lover. he couldnt even say goodbye to the intern.

that was end-1995.

through the years, because they belonged to allied industries, intern would sometimes meet people who knew him. and he would send his regards.

in 2004, they bumped into each other in manila. intern was now a doctor, reviewing for the boards. he was now rising up the ranks of his company. it was a short exchange.

last year, his colleagues from the south were relaying greetings from the doctor once again. and his cellphone number. there were a few exchanges of SMS. nothing more because he was still in a relationship. and the doctor was simply far away.

they finally met again during the doctor's visit to manila recently. it was an arranged meeting. a date after 12 years. both of them single.

he felt good seeing him again, all grown up and 'professional' now. he has lost some hair but he still had that flawless skin, the sweet smile and the great sense of humor.

it was awkward at first but soon, barriers went down and talk became personal rather than professional. and the past was discussed again. questions were finally answered, after 12 years. "did you know i tried to look for you... to call you at your office? but you were always in a meeting. you were the only one i introduced to my family, ever. yet you just disappeared."

the doctor was leaving for the province the following day. but he managed to spend that last night with him. enough to savor the memories. enough to make new ones. the intensity was back again, as if it was 1995. but reality stepped in. there was a question of whether it could be real again. but that question was quickly answered with - no LDRs, not anymore.

they parted well. they promised to be in touch. but in their busy lives, it might take another 12 years. but both will probably look at this and smile. and realize that after 12 years, the affection could remain strong...

living the fantasy

so busy with work, people. apologies. Gee. you must have been bored with seeing the same post over and over again. bawi ako.

let me share with you a childhood fantasy...

... when i was a kid, my fantasy was to be a "millionaire-playboy", best exemplified by bruce wayne aka the dark knight. i so love the trappings - the mansion, the butler, the endless parties, the sports cars and the different babes bruce is photographed with. that was like ultimate when-i-grow-up stuff. this was about 5 to 6yrs old. yes, i remember being straight then. i remember running after girls, kissing them. i remember stroking my yaya's boobs. i remember getting so turned on with the playboy mags my father kept.


then i just snapped out of it. and by the time i was 8 or 9yo, i became wimp and limp. i wasnt into sports AT ALL. and preferred reading to 'roughing it up'. by end of elementary school, i was having fantasies of my beefier classmates. and there has been no change since. =)

but being single again, being relatively 'comfortable' in life reminded me of that childhood fantasy, especially when i came face-to-face with the mx-5. i really want to be single again and dating different people. im slowly acquiring the 'trappings'... suddenly, its back to the millionaire playboy fantasy, with a gender twist.

dating. i enjoy dating. i enjoy the flirting and the teasing. previously, i thought that being single would mean unrestrained casual sex, anonymous or not. i realized that that's not my style. i would not refuse casual anonymous sex but i would rather date THEN have that happy ending. im no stud, like my former-fling-now-friend legal eagle. that guy's Samantha (SATC) and Brian (QAF) all rolled into one. that guy's part slut, part stud (SLUD?)

call me old fashioned. but i 'd rather have some dinner and conversation first. but no commitments. nothing exclusive. just fun times together. and that's what ive been up to lately. and im enjoying every minute of it. especially going out with really hot AND nice guys. (well lately its been one hot guy. what a HOT saturday night!).

so though im no millionaire, im feeling like im living my fantasy life. and that's another reason why the posts have been few and far between. hehehe.

some people will call this the mid-life crisis. maybe it is. ouch. but actually, it doesnt hurt! =)

rainbow to appear soon

rainbow is set to appear on the cc horizon sometime in early may.

rainbow is coming back to manila, for good. he is coming back from a job in europe.

rainbow is 'manyaman' when i blogged about him last year. he is a hottie, a guy i met in malate while i was still very attached. he became fling no.2 and was the reason for the break-up with fling no.1. (yeah. yeah. judge me.) that fling was cut short by a sudden trip to europe. that visit became work and for a few months, it was also an LDR. (walang kadala-dala si cc) but i had to cut it then, two years ago. it was useless (and stupid) to be having two LDR's.

then there was hardly any communication, save for the eternally reliable friendster. but he didnt use that either to communicate. so i presumed that he was not interested in keeping in touch.

last year, january, he surprised me with a visit to the office. he was back because of his mom's operation though it took him two weeks before he actually got in touch with me. after that first date, he suddenly disappeared again. we were supposed to go out. no messages. no return calls. silence. again. a huge question on my mind: what happened???

and long silence. though he would occasionally visit my friendster site as i would his, looking at his pics of europe.

ive been offline since i arrived here in bora. and i just got the chance yesterday to update myself. lo and behold, i get a series of comments from rainbow. quite frantic, i must say, as he was trying to get in touch with me. and a question about my sudden singleness.

i got to talk to him yesterday. and he hadnt changed. contrary to his 'married' profile in friendster, there was no other guy, no other love. and he answered the question finally. visa problems had him flying back to europe pronto. no time for goodbyes.

he sounded like he did before. he sounded like he still felt the same. but im not the same. things have changed. but id like to hang out with him still. i just hope i could make him not expect and just have fun being together.

what's at the end of the rainbow?

the usual places

when in bora...


... coffee at cafe del sol


... greek salad, osso bucco (if i threw away my diet plan) at cyma (its easier to get a table than shang or greenbelt!)


... beer while watching the sunset wherever


... drinks at hey jude (after dinner before midnight)


... drinking & dancing at club paraw (its still the place. all others don't get as full), after midnight


... people watching at hey jude and aria


... end-to-end walking to see and be seen

doing dante

i am in the middle of a guilty pleasure: dante's cove. oh my, i can now see mcvie and gibbs rolling their eyes. puhlease, haha

this soft-porn excuse of a suspense series has me smiling. not the affect one should display as one watches a suspense series. but there are just many 'ano ba yun?' and 'san galing yun?' twists and turns in the story. but the blatant display of f-l-e-s-h is enough for me to keep on watching.


such gorgeous, gorgeous bods here, i swear. and because this takes place on an island off, i presume, florida, and i am in bora so the series takes on a new HOTness.

i wont go through the synopsis. the hottest bod would have to be adam's though he has a really weeirdowh kind of character. kevin, one of the main characters, has the wrong face for his bod. hehehe. he looks too boy-next-door with his nice round eyes but on an uber nice bod, with the height pa. ambrosius, the villain, looks hot here but hmm not nearly as nice on video.

its polysexual but im not going into lulu love. there's frontal nudity by some side characters (never the main. HMMMP!) and the humping and pumping abounds! (why not just go straight to porn, you may ask. well, i like it hotter if im into the story, however crappy, then i see the nudity, then i see the humping and pumping.)

and browing the site for season three i discover REICHEN joining the show. ooooh. i remember amazing race and how he and his ex became poster boys for the gay community! after going through so much on the show, they still broke up. (hmmm. reminds me of my own...)

after SATC, its DC. and that's why i just love my ipod touch!!!

hala bora! hala bora!

there must be something they could do about that lumot on the beach. its so bad now. swimming out to sea makes you really feel like a fish in an aquarium, one that hasnt been cleaned in a long time. sheesh.

im imagining a huge trawler that sweeps the beach instead of catching fish every morning. please.

i was here for the first time in 1989, almost 20years ago. i was a toddler then. JOKE. seriously, boracay was still a tourist secret. not too many people knew about it but it has been making the backpacker's buzz circles. i had a chance to visit iloilo then. i saw an acquaintance there and we decided to extend and explore that island called boracay. we went to roxas city first where a friend of his was based. and that friend eventually liked me and he took me to his hut by the sea and then gave me a mind-blowing blowjob as the night breeze blew and the waves crashed the shore and... oh sorry that's a different story.

back to bora in 89. totally virginal at that time. imagine all that stretch of white sand with just a few makeshift bars and restos, and lodging nipa huts. there were more caucasians than pinoys. and everybody was saying hello and greeting each other. ladies were doing topless everywhere.

so no huge resort complexes (some hideously designed). no buffet dinners. no jetski, parasailing or banana boat trips. it was really the beach as pristine and as pure. so you went here to bathe in the sea, lie on the sand and read a book when it gets too hot. and enjoy your beer as you chat with some nice new friends, comparing countries and cultures.

of course you now go to bora for a lot of other reasons. the sand remains white and flour-like but the lumot is such a damper. i still go to bora less for the sand and the sunset but more for the people.

the favorite past time is watching people pass by, as they walk by, as they get dark sunbathing and get drunk at club paraw. its all about seeing and being seen.

it's amazing how kids have changed. barely in their teens, the girls are so scantily clad. they are with their boyfriends, some of whom are so conscious of how they look, too. (im sure!!!) and bora is an excuse to be 'different'. to go around with a tatoo, dreadlocks, barely-there beachwear. and to drink beer and blowjobs at 3pm.

nightlife remains hot. and that's what draws you to it. suddenly those snobs in manila are nice and friendly. and more often than not, you'll get to meet nice people and PLU's from visayas and mindanao. MAN. where have they been hiding! makes you wanna sponsor their ticket and their schooling in manila as trophies! hehehe

that;s why i still come here. despite all the bad publicity. i like bora now for different reasons. but in my head, i could still enjoy a pure and pristine bora... in the middle of the crowd.

off to bora

my friend hates that i use this contracted term 'bora'. oh come on. 'bora' slides off the tongue better. and those with contrived accents do a much better job with this than 'boracay' (somehow the '-cay' messes things up).

it's work. partly. i stay on for two more nights just to have some alone time. will probably change my style this year. do less of the walking from end to end. will bring the book and the ipod touch to keep me company. solitude baga. then party at night. harhar.

got a text from chemistry. seems like he's getting into me. but he also sensed that i was not as much. "alam ko naman di mo ako gusto... pang kama lang ako". wow. i dont want to hurt the guy's feelings but hey, im just not into that now. and that was what i replied. 'its not you. its me' such drama. but seriously, i just replied 'lets just have fun'. NR na...

so i might not blog within the next couple of days. however, i will be gathering material for the blog through investigative journalism. hint. hint.

off to bora to try off my new bod. harhar. test-drive ika nga.

the books im not done with...

EXPOSE: the truth behind the 'friendship"

we all know them to be the best of friends. i grew up with them. ernie always being mischievous. bert the straight-laced one, with a twin. i dont even know what they do for a living. but i do know they share an apartment, separate beds. and they are sweet enough to always think of each other.

it was the best example of male bonding.

till now.

our cameras have captured what goes on inside the apartment. when the cameras stop rolling. male bonding my foot. male badings for sure.



and ernie is the bottom. i didnt think he would be the type, being so giggly. id think he would get tickled. they seem to be having a grand time, as seen in the way bert is smiling. well i would, too.


so there you have it folk. scoop of the decade. they really are a couple!

busy busy week

pressure! its april 6 and i've just put up one post for the month. apologies. even this long weekend is filled with activities.

the main reason for the silence is the limited blogging time. work takes priority always. and when i go home, i hardly have time to open mymac before ex arrives to 'sleep'.

yes, he is still around and yes, we continue NOT to speak a single word. however, he has started moving out some stuff and did not actually spend the night in the condo yesterday. so perhaps ill have more time alone after work to do some blogging.

so im sneaking this post in the middle of a get-together. hehehe. the host has got free wifi, my friend offered his laptop for use so i might as well put in some thoughts.

let me just share something that transpired during a trip to the beach last weekend.

i got invited by an acquaintance to an overnight stay at the beach. this gym buddy of mine was so nice to invite me, though for a moment i was thinking this might be architectural (i.e. drawing lang)

but it wasnt. and i ended up meeting two people ive been seeing in the gym regularly though not exchanging neither a handshake or a smile or a handjob. =)

but the four of us had a great time. we got to know each other so well during the overnight stay.

i must admit that for one of them, there was some sort of chemistry brewing, though i was being just friendly with all of them. i was noting, though, an occasional 'akbay' or 'lambing.' i had to brush it aside as simply part of female bonding.

we all slept on one bed, all four of us. Chemistry beside me (ill call him chemistry). even with the others there, i couldnt help but think that something might actually transpire.

i was having difficulty sleeping. there was a momentary commotion when i felt chemistry wake up for a brief time. and as he tried to get sleep again, he cuddled my arm. hmmmm.

i was lying there on my back stiff as a door nail. he had his arm around my arm. and i felt his free hand start to wander... from my belly to my chest. wow, chemistry was starting to get it on...

soon his hand had found home... and i found heaven. very slowly i faced him and we started some lip action... more lip action but very carefully. we didnt want to wake the others. more lip and hand action till we felt the futility of it all. we didnt want to wake the others by moving too much. so we ended up just cuddling until we unravelled to sleep.

the following day was like nothing happened. though an occasional wink and smile would give it away. that was enough for me. a furtive attempt at getting off, despite the odds!

Dating and the Single PLU: Survey says...

Question 1: Blind Dates

92% are open to blind dates though quite a few have not experienced it at all.

It seems that not many of us have been on blind dates. by definition from Wiki Weyes:

A blind date is a date where the people involved have not met each other previously. The match could have been arranged by mutual friends or by a dating system.
Blind dates are becoming more commonplace following the rise of the Internet, when people who have met in chatrooms, Instant Messaging or forums finally agree to meet in person. Afterwards, they go to a place where they can have time to talk and get to know one another.

i find it odd that the second paragraph seemingly negates the first one (people involved have not met each other previously). i guess online meeting is not considered as 'having met previously'.)

i believe the common definition of blind dating, being set up by mutual friends, is not very common among PLU's. although by experience, i used to get asked by single PLU-friends to set them up with other single PLUs i know. (that was when i was still 'coupled'). but i didnt really set an actual 'date'. i merely forwarded numbers and just let them do the setting up. would you call this a blind date?

now that i'm single, i'm tempted to do the same to friends - 'uy hanap niyo ako date'. but i remember my own feelings about being 'pressured' do to so. so i wont be pressuring any of you to set me up.

but there is something intrinsically 'exciting' about blind dating (even if he does read braille!) and i think that is what the survey reveals. the eternally optimistic PLU hopes that that blind date will be THE ONE. (or i quote Gibbs: the Effing One). i believe this will change once we get to experience first-hand the date from hell, as so many straight people picture it out to be.

Question 2: Sex on the 1st Date

83% are very open to having sex on the first date, for some, it has already happened
25% would like to delay this though it doesnt always happen.

I must admit that for a moment (not a while, hehehe), i thought this would be a no-brainer. I mean, a PLU refusing to have sex just because its a first date?!? as the survey shows, there are PLU's who would consciously delay gratification sexually because its a first date.

it hasnt been happening to me as much lately. though not because i dont want to, only because i would like to do it comfortably in my own place, not in some hotel or motel room. i have definitely gone out with some hot guys out there i would have gone to bed with right on the first date, had circumstances allowed.

i dont believe much in delayed gratification (this is a Charlotte York way of thinking). nothing changes for me, whether we had sex on the 1st or the 30th date.

Question 3: Multiple Dates

83% are amenable to dating different guys at the same time as long as it remains non-committal

so a lot of PLU's do date different guys at the same time. this brings a smile to cc's face.

i must admit that i was facing some kind of dilemma. after 7 years of being officially off the dating scene (officially, legally, technically, etc.), i'm glad to be back in the 'mercado' in a splenda (i.e. guilt-free) way! and im in no hurry to get involved (magagalit si aura reader!).

but i didnt know whether i should be doing 'serial dating' or 'parallel' multiple dating. dating just one person at a time might raise expectations. at the same time, i dont know how PLU's would react if they find out the guy they are dating is also dating some other people.

but my sense, based on the survey, is that PLU's are a lot more 'relaxed' now in their attitude towards dating. and expressing interest in multiple dating means accepting that they could also be among the date choices of another PLU.

of course, accepting this as a consequence does not take away that 'kurot' in the heart (and the loins) when i will realize that one of the guys i like going out with also likes hanging out with other guys. =(

i guess in that situation, ignorance is bliss!

so thanks to all those who participated in the survey! may we all have the successful blind date that ends up in bed on the 1st date AS we enjoy dating others! =)

HAPPY APRIL FOOL'S DAY!