vacation complication

just got back from a trip. it was a barkada thing. the barkada i met through ex-partner. booked way in advance, we got a pretty good deal at the resort, nestled atop a cliff, with a picturesque view of the sea.

it was my first time to join this barkada for a long vacation. it was also my first time to be on a vacation with ex-partner and his current.

i had mixed feelings. i thought he would decide not to join anymore since he saw on the yahoogroup that i was joining. but he did, and he signed up his partner, too. his current happens to be the guy we fought about when we finally broke up. yes, they are still together.

ex and i, we still don't talk. he still refuses to talk to me. and i have not made any attempt to talk to him either. hence, i didnt know whether i should push through with this trip or not. well i felt that i should. i should because it is a common barkada. they want me to come with them.

it ended up to be a good vacation. we avoided each other. but i managed to talk and be nice to his current partner. contrary to what others were saying, i really dont hate the guy. i dont blame him for what happened to us. i just feel uncomfortable with ex. he's the one who refuses to talk to me.

i had tons of fun bonding with the rest. but it still wasnt a GREAT vacation. i still felt uncomfortable not talking to someone, avoiding someone when we are all traveling as one big group. our friends didnt make a big deal of the situation. there was no teasing. but all in all, i would have enjoyed more if i was at peace with everybody in the trip.

and as much as i tried to ignore him, ignore them, i find myself hearing his comments and his discourses. and i would be reacting to these inside my head. usually a snide remark.

i wish we didnt have to be so antagonistic towards one another. i just couldnt bring myself to try to mend the fence because of the high probability of being rebuffed. my ego just can't take that.

so despite that nice vacation, i am left wanting. it could have been more relaxing if there was peace and harmony.

thoughtful someone

i received this post card of manila bay (yes, a post card) yesterday. it read

hello cc. i just want you to know that somewhere someone always remember you (sic). stay safe all the time and god bless. from: someone :)

it was sent from the post office in paranaque. i couldnt help but smile at the sweetness, at the thoughtfulness of this 'someone'. i have no idea who this person is... but he/she made my day...

kakaibang crush ni cc

crush ko siya. di naman sa unang pagkakita. nakakatrabaho ko siya. supplier ng opisina, isang ahente. madalas kaming magkita dahil nagprisinta siya ng mga produkto para sa amin. nung umpisa, may pagka-antipatika pa nga ang dating niya sa akin. tisay na tisay kasi. pero sa katagalan, natutuwa ako pagmagkikita kami. inaabangan ko ang mga sandaling iyon. sa totoo lang, kagandahan naman talaga siya. ang lahat ay napapalingon at muling napapalingon.

ang aming pakikipagsalamuha dati ay strictly professional lang. walang personalan. pero nung isang gabi, nagkaroon ako ng pagkakataong makipagkwentuhan sa kanya, dahil may isang pagdiriwang sa opisina. imbitado ang mga supplier. duon ko pa lang siya nakausap ng may pagka-personal. ang pamilya niya... ang naging kurso niya, atbp.

inaamin kong kinilig ako habang kausap ko siya. nakakapanibago ang pakiramdam. ngunit takot pa rin akong magpahiwatig ng maski anong damdamin. kliyente pa rin niya ako. boss pa naman ako sa kumpanya. at siya'y batang-bata pa.

madalang lang ako makaramdam ng ganito. bilang na bilang ang mga naging crush kong babae. ang paghanga ko sa kanya ay di lamang dahil gusto ko siyang ayusan at bihisan. sumagi na rin sa isip ko na siguro, ang sarap na madampian ng labi ko ang kanyang mapulang labi. at haplusin ang kanyang mala-kremang kutis.

kakaiba nga eto. at alam kong di rin tatagal. at kahit tunay man ang aking paggiliw, di ko rin maaaring ipahiwatig. napakaraming balakid, unang-una na rin diyan ang aking pagiging plu.

yun lang.

the Talented Mr Ripley III (The Final Ripping)

and with this the telenovela ends...

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Music credits:"Crazy In Love" by Beyonce"Why" by Annie Lennox"Promises, Promises" by Naked Eyes"Weekend In New England" by Barry Manilow "Get Lost" by Patrick Wolf

my mortality

everybody seems to be talking about the end of the world according to the mayan calendar. havent seen the movie myself. even the priest was using it as a jump off point for his sermon. as expected, it was on preparedness. pretty much like disaster preparedness. ondoy. peping. zeitgeist?

made me think of my own mortality. i am closer to it compared to a lot of young readers out there. preparedness. is there such a thing?

a lot of people will find this topic morbid. or tempting fate. its just another topic for rumination for me.

im thinking im actually ready to go now. anytime. ive run a good race, so to speak. i look at my parents, the smile, the gratitude for the new house i've helped build for them. the renewal of their marriage vows after 50 years and the celebration of that. my siblings all with families, all settled in varying degrees abroad.

i look at my colleagues at the office. i also see their elation over the swanky new office. their pride over how the company has grown to where it is right now. how much more prosperous they have become, their families with them.

i see the friendships built with vendors, clients, customers. real sincere friendships. friendships that have supported the company through all the years.

there are also the people under my direct employ. ive done my part in taking care of them, making sure that i share with them the fruits of our collective labor.

these become thoughts of gratitude, of fulfillment, of peace.

i look at the glass that is my life. it's almost full. well, maybe just a bit more fixing to make sure they will be taken cared of. and they will all know that i love them dearly.

yeah, i can go now. if He wants me to.

changes in my life

im about to break into song. almost. going through major changes now, though largely in environment.

i have a new office after 9 years. we have a new address, a good upscale address. im very pleased. ive always wanted to have an office in this development. from a few years back. i already saw the potential. and i daydreamed about it.

the interiors are just awesome. understated. functional. it captured how i envisioned it to be, communicating corporate values we have built over the years.

outside, trees amid low rise buildings, sprawling across maintained lawns with water features around. serene. academic. inspiring.

colleagues are also ecstatic. im very pleased indeed.

im staying in a new condo, a transition condo actually. ive finally left that nest i shared with ex. will be having that unit face-lifted then leased. im staying in a bigger condo but its not something ill fix up. im just preparing for the transfer to my own place, a place i've built from ground up.

a different sense of fulfillment there. literally toiled to make another dream a reality. almost done but not quite. again, most of the dream elements are getting realized: the outdoor feeling with patios and balcony and deck. my architect is a great guy. he works with me, allows me to put in my design sense. works within my budget (almost).

the change involves revisiting objects and things collected throughout the years. memories rush in. old files and folders in the office. previous recognition. previous certificates. old photographs. in the condo, gifts of the past. more photos. more memorabilia. are they really memorable? previous behaviors. previous habits. previous emotions.

i walked into the condo, now empty. it looked new again, though still needing a fresh coat of paint.

i wasnt sad anymore. i was smiling.

i am pleased, very pleased.

i've moved out and moved on.

porn, my waning interest in

it must really be age. ive noticed that my interest in porn has reached almost zero levels. the few times ive popped a blue film was only because i wanted to get off in a different way. i could jerk off without porn stimulation easily. but for variety's sake, i'd watch my old films here. and i only have a few.

i remember the first x-rated film i watched. it was taboo. it was big when around high school to college. incest, basically. but it played on every pubescent boy's dream to make it with an older, experienced woman. i dont remember the title of the first gay x watched, but i still remember the high. i was able to borrow a VHS from a friend. i had to visit him at his school just to get the copy. and i rushed to the barkada hangout in sta cruz. it was a major event for all of the barkada. we were probably 2nd yr college then. and most of us had not even had sex yet. so just imagine that explosive combination of lust, curiosity and hormones kicking in at the same time. just seeing all those muscular bodies, big white powertools.

i wouldnt say i was really into it so much. but i did enjoy good porn then. i liked them handsome, big, muscular, usually white or latino. i like those with stories that lead up to sex. i like seduction scenes. i dont like s&m and i fast forward all those leather stuff. i actually put together some of the best scenes ive watched, recorded them in one vhs.

id borrow and exchange tapes with friends. tapes became discs. vcds to dvds. my appetite slowly waned. i couldnt stand to watch an entire movie. i start out the scene, wanting to see how it leads to sex then id cut to the cum part always. if im jerking off with it, id make sure i come together with the guys onscreen.

now that it is so available, so accessible, i have lost the interest. id probably stick around to see how the scene unfolds, and to see the sizes and shapes of their tools, their bodies. then that would be enough for me.

is it age? or is it because sex comes so easy now? or is it because ive pretty much 'tried and tasted' the fantasy? i really dont know.

i saw this clip and got turned on. i enjoyed the teasing. i enjoy the chase more than the catch.

The Talented Mr Ripley Who Deceived CC's Heart

Listen to part 1 here (16 mins 36 sec).

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credit Lola Madonna for Live to Tell. It Could Only be Madonna as background music.

toys i recommend

blu ray discs are simply amazing though simply expensive (compared to dvd). i didnt use to think that 'additional resolution blah blah' was worth it. i was quite happy with dvd quality movies, original ones or those masterfully copied from original ones. hence, i wasnt an 'early adopter' (term marketers use for those people who are usually first to 'adopt' a breakthrough product or service). even with flatscreens. yeah they looked nice but... i just didnt feel compelled to have one.

that investment in the LED tv fueled a desire to go hdmi all the way. so i finally got this blu ray disc player. even when the salesman was showing me a demo of the player, i was already floored with the quality. i was virtually speechless as he compared the same movie on blu ray and on dvd.

current prices of blu ray discs are at P1,500 - P1,800. pricey stuff. so i have resolved to buy only those i would want to watch over and over again. this is where my testosterone started asserting itself. it made more sense to buy big-budget adventure movies to see the stunning effects, with a good story to tell. im starting with the matrix reloaded and batman (dark knight). ironman blu ray is painfully out of stock.

my jaw dropped watching both films. you really, really do not need to go to the theatre anymore. visually stunning. and to think i havent made that investment in the home theatre equipment. that's for next level (and another reloading of deep pockets)

do they have kristen bjorn on blu ray? :)

serial sex

im on season 4 of x files. i watch this while in the car. im sure the driver is getting tired of hearing that x-files opening credits theme. i encounter serial killers over and over again. some of them have set numbers of victims before they hibernate for long periods. usually four or five victims. challenge of the duo is to get to the killer before he kills for the last time. mr tooms needed five livers for his genetic problem before he retreats into his self-made cocoon. african immigrant extracted pituitary glands of african-americans. he needed four to survive.

since cc became active again, he has had three different hook-ups every saturday. he's thinking that he needs just four before going back to fasting. yesterday, cc was on the look out. one more hook-up. he went to his friend's bar in qc. surveyed the place. nothing interesting. joined friends chatting and drinking. he notices from the corner of his eye this tall good-looking guy, being greeted by his friend with a warm hug. his focus narrows on this guy. he arranges an intro by his friend. he gets introduced to him, and his other good-looking pals.

unfortunately, when the guy opened his mouth to speak, attraction ended. not his type. enter his other friend, cute. jumps in and starts a conversation with cc. flirts. cc sizes up this cutie. not bad. looks like a willing receiver. they flirt. until he finds out cutie is from the same industry, competitor. he feels an invisible noose tighten. suddenly, it's just too hot. he excuses himself and leaves.

"cc, no take home??" asks his friend naughtily. cc smiles. "got to get up early."

saturday became sunday. no hook-up. missing one more for release.

sunday afternoon, cc goes to one of those spas. early bird that he is, he thought he'd be alone in the infamous wet area. there's another guy in the tub. as cc showers, guy gets next stall and overtly cruises him. cc tries to look oblivious. he goes to the dry sauna. guy follows. actually face is cute, tisoy, flabby. and very aggressive.

cc feels guy's knee brush against him. classic signal. cc doesnt budge. cc feels his hand on his thigh, going up to his crotch. cc watches should another guy come in. guy wastes no time licking and sucking his nipples, his hand caressing cc's c**k. cc watches him as he kneels in front of him, and takes him all in with his mouth. he attempts to kiss but cc turns his face. proceeds to blow him off, up and down his head bobs. cc grabs his head and thrusts it up his throat. he'd like to close his eyes but he doesnt dare let his guard down.

guy's good, really good. soon come is rising from within. cc mutters 'im near.. cummin na'. thinking guy might like to just jerk him off to release. but guy sucks him harder and harder until he comes inside his throat. guy laps it all up. no questions asked.

"ang sarap mo" he whispers. "ang sarap siguro kung i-f**k mo ako." cc pulls away. smiles. mutters. "yeah... sige kailangan ko ng maligo." guy jerks himself off as cc leaves, "thanks, sarap mo."

not exactly the hook-up he wanted. but enough to get him by. victim four done. time to hibernate.