I watched this movie, What's Your Number? starring Chris Evans and Anna Faris. Partner pointed out how Anna kept on mirroring whomever she was dating.
I realized how much of a mirror I am with my partners, too.
I am such a pleaser. I would quickly learn what makes him laugh, or tickle his fancy. And I would just go and learn it, copy it. So we will have something in common. When an ex was into badminton, I got into it, too. He liked Bocelli and Brightman. I got to appreciate them. And he was into watching figure-skating and tennis, well, I got interested in that, too.
Then I have another ex who was into classical music and opera. So I started to learn that and even took classical voice lessons. He loved gadgets and gizmos and cameras. I started buying more of those things. Even on impulse. He was all Downton Abbey, wood panelling, and I got into the lifestyle, too!
Ah. The pattern stares at me in the face. And it's not my partner's fault. It's mine. I just want to make sure we have common ground. We enjoy the same things. But sometimes, I end up not knowing when the "we" ends and the "me" begins?
I have been drinking hard drinks lately. Previously, my alcohol of choice was just wine, red wine more specifically. I could drink a glass or two everyday. And I could drink and just feel light. But I got introduced to hard drinks. Because partner enjoys it. He enjoys the night life in general. I have started to like it again. And on a few occasions, I have actually gotten drunk. Really drunk. Embarrassingly drunk.
And I trace it to me being both a mirror and getting competitive! I am challenged to outdrink partner. Parang mga lalaki lang. Palakasan uminom. Unahan matumba. But I never do, anyway. He ends up taking care of me, making sure I get to go home or to the hotel room, safe. I am not happy with myself.
All because I am mirroring again. In my effort to please, I lose sight of self.
This has got to stop.
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