AQAG #6

Kung bakla ka, bakit ka nagpapalaki ng katawan?

I grew up at a time when the idea of "straight-acting" was not yet part of the collective consciousness. There were only two categories of males: macho and bakla. Bakla meant being overtly effeminate, sexually desiring men and aspiring to be female.

I was effeminate as a child. Mahinhin. I wasn't into sports. And eventually, I started fantasizing about sex with men. I was identified quickly as Bakla. But as I got into college, despite my effeminate ways, I couldn't fully relate to that female-aspiring homosexual model. I had no interest in women's clothes or in make-up. Though I hung out with some friends who were overtly effeminate, I didn't share their penchant for femininity.

I honestly felt quite alone. I aspired to look 'masculine', and even wanted to bulk up. Male clothes appealed to me, not girls' apparel or accessories.

I came across gay porn then. And that opened my eyes to hot, masculine men having sex with other hot, masculine men. Then, slowly but surely, American gay literature started to trickle in. The way gay men were described there was exactly my ideal - still masculine, even buff and muscular, yet hooking up with other gay guys like them. The term was 'macho gay'.

Today, with more and more representation in media, the straight-acting gay man is becoming more recognized. But you would still encounter throwback to that time when the categories were two. Hence, the question persists.

His response: Kasi idol ko si Serena Williams at health buff ako, bawal ba?


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Another day. Another birthday.

By the time I wake up tomorrow, I will be 49 years old. (My official birth time was at 6am) Almost golden. I was thinking whether I should throw a party now rather than next year, when I officially turn gold. Some friends of Chinese ethnicity told me that they do NOT celebrate years that end with 0. It is not good Feng Shui. So they end up celebrating the 9’s.

I’m not Chinese nor Kris Aquino. I’ll stick to a big celebration next year.

Since last year, my excitement over my birthday has started to wane. I used to be big on celebrations. Another year, another blessing, so it always called for a celebration. There would be multiple celebrations because of the many sets of friends and colleagues.

This year, I didn’t even think much about it. Too many things happening for me to even consider planning any celebration. Leading up to tomorrow, I have been taking care of family members getting ill. I’m glad that Nanay has recovered from her mastectomy. Before that, I had to bring Tatay to the ER because of severe stomach pain. Even the household help had to be rushed to the hospital last week.

Previously, I would ask my officemates to help me celebrate my birthday at Asilo de San Vicente de Paul, a halfway house for children. I asked this as their gift for me. It used to be a big event, with a program, with games and prizes then food and a cake. The kids would also perform and sing me “happy birthday”. That was fun.

But this year, I decided to just bring them food. And I didn’t want to impose on my officemates anymore. I dropped off the food the other week. I was touched when they gave me their personalized birthday greeting cards. Heartfelt wishes from the kids.

Today, I visited the site of our monthly medical mission in Calauan, Laguna. This is something I started last year.  I just wanted to be there to help out. But the community insisted on giving a cake with communal singing “happy birthday”. Then some of them gave me letters and greeting cards. I didn’t expect that. Touched my heart again. I decided to share the cake with kids.

So tomorrow, it will be with family, c3 and my fag hag for lunch. Then just c3 and me for dinner.

Is this age? Or just some midlife birthday blues? I have to admit though that it feels good, refreshing. I don’t have to think about planning and organizing. Being such an OCD, I can’t worry myself to bits when I plan something, anything.

Let’s see how I feel next year.

AQAG #4

Hindi ka ba natatakot magka-AIDS?

Of course, I am scared of being infected with HIV. As I am scared of being told I have cancer or that my cardiovascular system is so screwed that I will suffer a stroke or a heart attack very soon. I have real health concerns. So I take precautions.

But funny how this question is much deeper than that. Inherently, the question seems to conclude that being gay puts you at risk of contracting the virus. Just by being gay. I believe their biases are showing if this question is asked upon knowing your sexual preference or orientation.

And as reflected in his answer:

Natatakot naman. STD yun eh. Pero lahat naman ng taong nakikipag-sex dapat mag-ingat sa mga sakit na maaaring maipasa through sex. Hindi ang pagiging bakla o transgender ang dahilan ng pagkakasakit ng HIV/AIDS. Ito ay dahil sa pakikipag-sex ng walang proteksiyon. Kaya dapat lahat tayo matakot at mag-ingat.

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Same-Sex Union Fabcast 1 & 2

Because it was relevant then. May be relevant till now. We decided to talk about this. for the heck of talking about it.


The Same-Sex Marriage Fabcast,
Part 1 Music: "Never Tear Us Apart" by Paloma Faith "A Thousand Years" by Christina Perri




The Same-Sex Marriage Fabcast,



Part 2 Music: "Marry Me" by Train "One More Try" by Kuh Ledesma (piano version only) "Stir It Up" by Bob Marley

Simeon and the Sto. Nino at the Temple

"Behold, this Child is appointed for the fall and rise of many in Israel, and for a sign to be opposed... to the end that thoughts from many hearts may be revealed." Luke 2:34

This was Simeon's prophecy as he was holding the Baby Jesus, the Sto. Nino, in his hands. I omitted the insert "and you (to Mary), your own heart will be pierced", for this has been the focus of most of what I've heard regarding this prophecy.

For a carpenter's child to be the fall and rise of many in Israel, that must have sounded so incredible to the child's parents. They have lived their lives virtually anonymous, just ordinary folk, ordinary laborers. Yet their child is destined to cause such an upheaval! Sounds looney!

But not to Mary, for she has received the announcement from the Angel Gabriel. And neither to Joseph, either through Mary or through that dream of the angel. I could imagine that they received this prophecy with both pride and dread.

Jesus was destined to be a sign to be opposed, contradicted. Many will not believe his message of Good News, that the Kingdom or Reign of God is here and now! (His message was not that he was the son of God.) He will be opposed to the point of crucifixion and death.

And being the Truth himself, the knowledge of Him will 'lay bare the thoughts from many hearts." Truth is like light shining on something that used to be in darkness and secrecy. I could imagine how it was living during those times. Before Jesus, they couldn't tell or understand what was going on inside the hearts of people. Motivations for acts and behaviors seemed hard to comprehend, particularly for 'holy and righteous' persons like the Scribes and the Pharisees. They know the Law by heart so they must be living by it to the letter. They must be living their lives in love and compassion. Yet one couldn't be sure. Are they for real?

Jesus' life and message ultimately revealed who among them was pure of heart (for not all of them had selfish intentions.) He exposed them, without having to say anything. Their reactions and connivances against Him exposed themselves.

How do my own actions and behaviors reflect the light that is Jesus in my life? Hmmm.


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AQAG #3

Panty o brief?

Panty, brief, bacon briefs, kamison, puting kamison mula sa Virgin People I and II, oversized shirt ng naka-one night stand, boxers ng jowa, duster ni lola, blusong itim ni Snooky. Kung saan ka komportable. O di kaya, wala.

Do they ask this of transgendered persons only? Or would they also think that an effeminate gay or butch lesbian would also crossdress underwear? I totally love her response. It seems that she believes this question should not to be taken seriously.

And I agree.

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