faculty deliberations

part-time faculty get to sit with the regular, full-time professors when deliberating the standing of the students. it was my first faculty deliberation. and most of the professors there were mentors of mine when i was still a student.

i'm looking at them and seeing them so human now. it was natural for me to put 'teachers' and 'mentors' on a different plane then. i deferred to them. for some of them, i would be in awe at their brilliance. i see them now as regular people, yet people i still highly respect.

the discussions centered around awarding 'dean's list' and eventually the top honors during graduation. they really talk about the students in detail, how he/she acted in class, if the student was actually bright or lazy or had a great paper, etc.

i am suddenly reminded of the call one of the professors made to me right after deliberations for our graduation. he called to tell me that they have decided that i was the class valedictorian. BUT he also told me that there was a lot of contentious discussions leading up to the decision!

and it was because of attitude. i remember during my thesis defense, i was getting... defensive (nge) with the cross examination of one of the professors. napikon ako and blurted something sarcastic in reply, but still veiled in humor.

that turned out to be the bone of contention. that professor was saying that i didnt deserve the award. my professor/mentor rose to my defense. he cited that they were deliberating a candidate for honors, not for canonization. and he happily told me that that statement put the discussion to rest.

i didnt know if i should still be elated after that call. the fact that not all of them were on board about it made me feel... weird. but i snapped out of that soon after and happily received the award. and realized that hey, i worked for this. and i deserve this.

im now reflecting how these 'behind-the-scenes' scenarios could determine outcomes, how these could make or break people. is it wiser to know what really happened or is ignorance bliss?

"it tastes sweet"

that's what white meat told me, referring to my man-juice. ('man' daw oh? hehe)

yes, he swallowed. and even as my body was contorting as i approached THAT point, i actually wanted to pull away. i made sure i made my pronouncements ("aah. im cummmin....") just so he would be forewarned. not that i dont want to cum inside. i just dont want him to feel i rammed it down his throat. but he kept at it. and surely, he gulped it down.

and during that after-sex moment of intimacy, he told me that my cum was sweet. diet has a lot to do with the taste of cum, according to wm. and as we talked about it, he told me that diet high in fresh fruits contributed to the sweet taste. which is exactly the kind of diet i have.

which is why he wasnt the first to tell me about it. i guess cc is really sweet to the core. hahaha

im actually surprised that ive been with quite a few people who swallow. i had to ask if this was high risk sexual behavior. apparently for HIV, it's not, as long as the recipient doesnt have mouth sores or open wounds in the oral cavity. but it is high risk for other STD's.

there's heightened awareness for HIV again. reports have been circulating about the sudden jump in cases, specially among the younger MSM practitioners.

let's all just be careful.

it's the x's birthday

.. in a few days. should i greet him? send him an email or sms?

i don't harbor any grudges anymore. but i dont want to send wrong signals. ewww.

do i wish him a 'happy' birthday? yes, i do. i'm happier now. and he should be, too. i guess he is.

we're still not in the talking mode. so should i still be the peaceful one and send a greeting?

what do you think?

white meat that's good for me

i viewed his profile in one of those social networking sites, surprised to see someone white as a friend of one my friends here. besides, i found his profile picture very attractive.

he quickly replied, wondering if we had met previously. that started the exchange. but i got thrown off when i found out he was actually married. we made the jump to texting. and through the texts, i quickly established that being married will not be a hindrance to having fun with another man.

we met up at a starbucks outlet. and he is attractive, a very hot american. he was also witty and smart. and when i invited him to the condo, he didnt resist.

he is the first white guy ive brought to the condo. and boy, the sex was hot. he is such a turn on. sexy, handsome with big grey eyes, thin lips. and he was muscular and extremely endowed down there. he is such a kisser, as i am. and there were intimate moments, too. and good conversation.

we took a light nap after, in each other's arms. and he left because the wifey was waiting.

ironic isn't it. two weeks in the u.s. with hardly any sex with anyone white. barely a week back in manila and i hook up with a great looking american. a wonderful one-night stand. =)

now it can be told

earlier, i posted a dialogue with perfect man, a confession and a farewell. that dialogue didnt really transpire. i wanted to do it, i asked for a coffee date. but it never happened because we both got too busy (he cancelled that coffee date). but in my mind and in my heart, i still wanted that conversation to finally take place.

it finally happened, that bittersweet moment, a few days ago.

i invited him to dinner this time, at a nice, secluded date place that i love. i fetched him and brought him there. there was wine, antipasto and full dinner. and though the conversation seemed strained at first, it relaxed and quickly picked up as we talked about his trips and mine.

i found out more about his longtime partner, how it came about. and how much they have both invested in what they have. and he touched on some current relationship concerns (a very jealous lover his partner has become).

and he confided his own recent explorations (late bloomer) but always knowing his limits. i probed into an 'almost-affair' he had but he felt strongly that it was never going there. he knew how he wouldn't jeopardize his relationship for this other person.

that, and the wine, emboldened me to finally say my piece.

after much fiddling, i finally admitted to him how strongly i feel for him. how i feel that he is the perfect man for me. how i, despite what i feel, will not cause him or his relationship trouble. just like how i wrote it pretty much. what i didnt anticipate was his answer.

i feel the same way towards you. if you were that person i got almost involved with, i would probably have had a major dilemma. if you consider me the perfect person, i also think you are perfect. i have been fantasizing about how it would be if we were lovers. i feel that you would be a lot more relaxed, less jealous compared to my partner.

i want us to stay in touch. but i understand what you mean. i'd still like to see you and find out how you're doing.

i emphasized that i would not text him anymore. but i would always reply should he text me. and should he need me for whatever reason, i will be there for him.

we left the restaurant, relieved that all of this is finally out in the open. back in the office building, he asked to use the rest rooms and have some water. i hurriedly opened the office and got him water.

as i approached him, he hugged me, he hugged me tight. and i hugged him back. and finally, the kiss. after having imagined this for countless nights, i have finally felt how it is to kiss my perfect man.

i remain in a daze over what happened. but i have remained true to my word, and have stopped initiating sending him SMS. but every time he sends me a message, i reply, promptly.

i do not expect anything anymore. i have been blessed with having known that the perfect man exists. and that for a single moment, i was able to kiss him and hug him. he may not be mine. but during that moment, he was.

same time, next year

it's great to be back in manila. the downside is not being able to update my blog as often when i face the realities of work, school, extra-curriculars, etc. excuses, excuses.

back in nyc, i had the chance to meet up with a "the boy from new york city" just like last year. we maintained some contact through the year. but during the time i was finalizing plans for this trip, he stopped emailing. only when i got here did i finally get an email from him. he was apologetic for not writing. he just got too busy with work, with a new business venture and a new boyfriend. but he did say he still wanted to meet up while i would be in nyc.

oh. a boyfriend. so i guess this was going to be a purely 'friendly' meet up, not even a date. curiously though, he told me that he was NOT going to bring his bf along. seloso daw.

so i had no expectations as i walked to the starbucks near his place somewhere in east village. it was a mid-morning meeting, to lead up to brunch. but he quickly brought me to his place so we could continue chatting. hmmmm.

his fabulous place looked a lot less fahv since his bf moved in. ang gulo na. and there was the bf's chihuahua which kept barking at me. nakaka-amoy 'ata ang aso ng masama.

after some chit chat, as i was sitting on one of his bar stools, he went up to me and planted a long wet kiss. my balloon thought: di ba may jowa ka na???? and so it happened. regardless of the jowa, he still wanted to ah... play with me. fine. except that stupid dog kept barking.

and while we were on the bed, the dog was there, too. and that dog was actually licking my foot as we were busy entangled. aba, gusto ng threesome ng aso!

a quick shower after and we were out, mindful that bf just might suddenly appear. we had brunch at a diner near by (so SATC). and reminisced about our previous meetings. this is the 3rd time in 3 years we've actually been meeting. and always around december. hahaha. its broke back, transcontinental.

we parted ways, with a 'same time, next year' look.

my only sex in manhattan. with the same guy i had sex with last year. im a creature of habit. =)